Category: Humour
_Lady Flip._ Not a husband to be had for money!--Come, come, I might have been a better housewife for myself, as the world goes now, if I had dealt for an heir with his guardian, uncle, or mother-in-law; and you are no better than a chouse, a cheat.
_Eliza._ I must confess, I think we women as often discover where we love by railing, as men when they lie by their swearing; and the world is but a constant keeping gallant, wh...
29. SCENE I.--_A Room in_ Don DIEGO'S _House._Mons._ Good morrow to thee, noble dancing-master:--ha! ha! ha! your little black brother here, my master, I see, is the more diligent man of the two. But why do you come so lat...
41. SCENE IV.--HORNER'S _Lodging. A table, banquet, and bottles._Horn._ A pox! they are come too soon--before I have sent back my new mistress. All that I have now to do is to lock her in, that they may not see her. [_Aside._
44. SCENE I.--_Westminster Hall._Man._ This, the reverend of the law would have thought the palace or residence of Justice; but, if it be, she lives here with the state of a Turkish emperor, rarely seen; and b...
42. SCENE I.--MANLY'S _Lodging._Man._ Tell not me, my good Lord Plausible, of your decorums, supercilious forms, and slavish ceremonies! your little tricks, which you, the spaniels of the world, do daily over...
26. SCENE I.--Don DIEGO'S _House._Mons. Serviteur, serviteur, la cousine._ Your maid told me she watched at the stair-foot for my coming; because you had a mind to speak wit me before I saw your fader, it seem.
33. SCENE II.--_The New Exchange._Har._ Now your sting is gone, you looked in the box amongst all those women like a drone in the hive; all upon you, shoved and ill-used by 'em all, and thrust from one side to...
31. SCENE I _.--A Room in_ PINCHWIFE'S _House._Mrs. Pinch._ Pray, sister, tell me why my husband looks so grum here in town, and keeps me up so close, and will not let me go a-walking, nor let me wear my best gown yesterday.
25. SCENE II.--_A Room in_ Don DIEGO'S _House._Hip._ My summons, sir! no, I assure you; and if you do not like your reception, I cannot help it; for I am not used to receive men, I'd have you to know.
30. SCENE I.--HORNER'S _Lodging._Horn._ [_Aside._] A quack is as fit for a pimp, as a midwife for a bawd; they are still but in their way, both helpers of nature.--[_Aloud._] Well, my dear doctor, hast thou do...
51. Letter 15.[10] Macaulay's version of the above story is derived from Spence's _Anecdotes._ It differs entirely from Dennis's version, which is evidently the correct one, as the former tot...
28. did. I'm sure I cried out, and waked all in tears, with these words in_Prue._ Indeed it was so lively, I know not whether 'twas a dream, or no.--But if you were not there, I'll undertake you may come when you will, and do anything to me you will,...
46. SCENE II.--OLIVIA'S _Lodging._Nov._ Ha! ha! nay, then she abused you, 'tis plain; for you know what Manly said:--the sweetness of your pulvillio she might mean; but for your breath! ha! ha! ha! Your breath...
36. SCENE III.--HORNER'S _Lodging_Horn._ No, good domine doctor, I deceive you, it seems, and others too; for the grave matrons, and old, rigid husbands think me as unfit for love, as they are; but their wives,...
45. SCENE I.--MANLY'S _Lodging._Man._ So; I told thee what thou wert fit for, and thou wouldst not believe me. Come, thank me for bringing thee acquainted with thy genius. Well, thou hast mollified her heart...
48. SCENE II.--_The Cock in Bow Street. A table and bottles._Fid._ I was so frightened, I confess, I can give no other account of him, but that he was pretty tall, round-faced, and one, I'm sure, I ne'er had seen before.
23. SCENE II.--_The French House.--A table, bottles, and candles._Mons._ 'Tis ver veritable, _jarni!_ what the French say of you Englis: you use the debauch so much, it cannot have with you the French operation; you are never enjoyee. But com...
15. SCENE V.--VINCENT'S _Lodging._Vin._ I told you I had sent my man to Christina's this morning, to inquire of her maid, (who seldom denies him a secret,) if her lady had been at the Park last night; which she...
2. SCENE II.--_The French House. A table, wine and candles._Ran._ At repartee already! Come, Vincent. I know you would rather have him pledge you: here, Dapperwit--[_Gives him the glass._]--But why are you so eager to have him drink alw...
3. SCENE I.--_St. James's Park at night._Ran._ And now no woman's modest or proud; for her blushes are hid, and the rubies on her lips are dyed, and all sleepy and glimmering eyes have lost their attraction.
22. SCENE I.--Don DIEGO'S _House, in the evening._Hip._ To confine a woman just in her rambling age! take away her liberty at the very time she should use it! O barbarous aunt! O unnatural father! to shut up a poor girl at fou...
21. SCENE VI.--_The Dining-room in Mulberry-garden House._Sir Sim._ Mrs. Joyner, do not let me lose the widow too:--for if you do, (betwixt friends,) I and my small annuity are both blown up: it will follow my estate. [_Aside to_ Mrs....
27. SCENE I.--_A Room in_ Don DIEGO'S _House._Enter_ Monsieur de PARIS _without a peruke, with a Spanish hat, a Spanish doublet, stockings, and shoes, but in pantaloons, a waist-belt, and a Spanish dagger in it, and a crav...
1. SCENE I.--GRIPE'S _House, in the evening._Lady Flip._ Not a husband to be had for money!--Come, come, I might have been a better housewife for myself, as the world goes now, if I had dealt for an heir with his guardian...
8. SCENE II.--Mrs. CROSSBITE'S _Dining-room._Dap._ Nay, I hide my mistress with as much care as a spark of the town does his money from his dun after a good hand at play; and nothing but you could have wrought upon me for...
20. SCENE V.--_Another part of the same._Vin._ Just as I shut the door upon you, the woman Ranger expected came up stairs; but finding another woman in discourse with him, went down again; I suppose, as jealous of him...
50. SCENE IV.--OLIVIA'S _Lodging._Oliv._ So, I am now prepared once more for my timorous young lover's reception. My husband is gone; and go thou out too, thou next interrupter of love.--[_Puts out the candle._...
35. SCENE II.--_A Bedchamber in_ PINCHWIFE'S _House._Pinch._ [_Aside._] I would try, if in the repetition of the ungrateful tale, I could find her altering it in the least circumstance; for if her story be false, she is so too.--...
4. SCENE II.--CHRISTINA'S _Lodging._Isa._ I am then more glad, madam, for then they cannot be great; and it is in my power, it seems, to make you in part happy, if I could but hold this villainous tongue of mine:...
9. SCENE III.--_A Room in_ Mrs. CROSSBITE'S _House._Mrs. Joyn._ 'Tis a small house, you see, and mean furniture; for no gallants are suffered to come hither. She might have had ere now as good lodgings as any in town; her Mortla...
34. SCENE I.--PINCHWIFE'S _House in the morning._Lucy._ Well--madam, now have I dressed you, and set you out with so many ornaments, and spent upon you ounces of essence and pulvillio;[76] and all this for no other purpose bu...
47. SCENE I.--ELIZA'S _Lodgings._Oliv._ Ah, cousin! nothing troubles me but that I have given the malicious world its revenge, and reason now to talk as freely of me as I used to do of it.
10. SCENE IV.--LYDIA'S _Lodging._Lyd._ If Ranger should come up, (I saw him just now in the street,) the discovery of my anger to him now would be as mean as the discovery of my love to him before.
12. SCENE II.--_Another Room in the same._L. Flip._ [_Aside._] 'Tis much for the honour of the gentlemen of this age, that we persons of quality are forced to descend to the importuning of a clerk, a butler, coachman,...
49. SCENE III.--_A Room in the same._Wid._ You are safe enough, gentlemen; for I have been private in this house ere now, upon other occasions, when I was something younger. Come, gentlemen; in short, I leave my b...
6. SCENE IV.--VINCENT'S _Lodging._Vin._ Your mistress, dear Valentine, will not be more glad to see you! but my wonder is no less than my joy, that you would return ere you were informed Clerimont were out of d...
38. SCENE I.--PINCHWIFE'S _House._Pinch._ Come, take the pen and make an end of the letter, just as you intended; if you are false in a tittle, I shall soon perceive it, and punish you as you deserve.--[_Lays h...
39. SCENE II.--HORNER'S _Lodging._Quack._ What, all alone? not so much as one of your cuckolds here, nor one of their wives! They use to take their turns with you, as if they were to watch you.
32. SCENE I.--_A Room in_ PINCHWIFE'S _House._Mrs. Pinch._ Would it not make any one melancholy to see you go every day fluttering about abroad, whilst I must stay at home like a poor lonely sullen bird in a cage?
16. SCENE I.--_St. James's Park._Sir Sim._ I would have kept the maidenhead of your lips for your sweet knight, Mrs. Martha, that's all; I dare swear you never kissed any man before but your father.
40. SCENE III.--_The Piazza of Covent Garden._Pinch._ You were for giving and taking liberty: she has taken it only, sir, now you find in that letter. You are a frank person, and so is she, you see there.
7. SCENE I.--_A Room in_ Mrs. CROSSBITE'S _House._Mrs. Cros._ Nine-and thirty years old, mistress! I'd have you to know, I am no far-born child; and if the register had not been burned in the last great fire, alas!--but my fac...
37. SCENE IV.--_A Room in_ PINCHWIFE'S _House._Mrs. Pinch._ Well, 'tis e'en so, I have got the London disease they call love; I am sick of my husband, and for my gallant. I have heard this distemper called a fever, but meth...
18. SCENE III.--_Another part of the same._Sir Sim._ Well, after all my seeking, I can find those I would not find; I'm sure 'twas old Gripe, and Joyner with him, and the widow followed. He would not have been here, but...
11. SCENE I.--_A Room in_ GRIPE'S _House._Mrs. Joyn._ What, not well, your worship! This it is, you will be laying out yourself beyond your strength. You have taken a surfeit of the little gentlewoman, I find. Indeed y...
17. SCENE II.--_Another part of the same._Mrs. Joyn._ Your reputation! indeed, your worship, 'tis well known there are as grave men as your worship; nay, men in office too, that adjourn their cares and businesses, to c...
13. SCENE III.--_The old Pall Mall._Dap._ A pox! some young heir or another has promised her marriage. There are so many fools in the world, 'tis impossible for a man of wit to keep his wench from being a lady, l...
24. SCENE I.--Don DIEGO'S _House in the morning._Don._ No, we are bold enough in trusting them with our souls, I'll never trust them with the body of my daughter, look you, _guarda!_ You see what comes of trusting churchmen h...
19. SCENE IV.--_Another part of the same._Leo._ Grief is so far from retrieving a loss, that it makes it greater; but the way to lessen it is by a comparison with others' losses. Here are ladies in the Park of your acq...
14. SCENE IV.--_The Street before_ VINCENT'S _Lodging._Chris._ And not see me yet! nay, not send to me!--'tis false, he is not come,--I wish he were not. I know not which I should take more unkindly from him, exposing his life to h...
5. SCENE III.--_The Street before_ CHRISTINA'S _Lodging._Dap._ Faith, I know not any. She is, I warrant you, some fine woman of a term's standing or so in the town; such as seldom appear in public, but in their balconies, where they...