SCENE II.--_Another Room in the same.

Sir SIMON ADDLEPLOT _discovered sitting at a desk writing as a_ Clerk, Lady FLIPPANT _jogging him._

_Sir Sim._ 'Tis a lord's mortgage, and therefore requires the more haste:--pray do not jog me, madam.

_L. Flip._ Dull rascal! [_Aside._

_Sir Sim._ They cannot stay for money as other folks. If you will not let me make an end on't, I shall lose my expedition-fee.

_L. Flip._ There are some clerks would have understood me before this. [_Aside._

_Sir Sim._ Nay, pray be quiet, madam; if you squeeze me so to the wall, I cannot write.

_L. Flip._ [_Aside._] 'Tis much for the honour of the gentlemen of this age, that we persons of quality are forced to descend to the importuning of a clerk, a butler, coachman, or footman; while the rogues are as dull of apprehension, too, as an unfledged country squire amongst his mother's maids! [_Jogs him again._

_Sir Sim._ Again! Let me tell you, madam, familiarity breeds contempt: you'll never leave till you have made me saucy.

_L. Flip._ I would I could see that.

_Sir Sim._ I vow and swear then, get you gone! or I'll add a black patch or two to those on your face.--[_Aside._] I shall have no time to get Mrs. Martha out, for her.

_L. Flip._ Will you, sir, will you! [_Jogs him again._

_Sir Sim._ [_Aside._] I must have a plot for her, she is a coy woman.--[_Aloud._] I vow and swear if you pass this crevice,[45] I'll kiss you in plain English.

_L. Flip._ I would I could see that!--do you defy me! [_Steps to him--he kisses her._

_Sir Sim._ [_Aside._] How's this! I vow and swear, she kisses as tamely as Mrs. Ticklish, and with her mouth open too.

_L. Flip._ I thought you would have been ashamed to have done so to your master's own sister!

_Sir Sim._ I hope you'll be quiet now, madam?

_L. Flip._ Nay, I'll be revenged of you sure.

_Sir Sim._ If you come again, I shall do more to you than that.--[_Aside._] I'll pursue my plot and try if she be honest.

_L. Flip._ You do more to me than that! nay, if you'll do more to me than that--[_She throws down his ink and runs out, he following her._

_Enter_ Mrs. JOYNER.

_Mrs. Joyn._ I must visit my young clients in the meantime.

_Re-enter_ Sir SIMON, _holding up his hands._

What's the matter, Sir Simon?

_Sir Sim._ Lord! who would have thought it?

_Mrs. Joyn._ What ails you, Sir Simon?

_Sir Sim._ I have made such a discovery, Mrs. Joyner!

_Mrs. Joyn._ What is't?

_Sir Sim._ Such a one that makes me at once glad and sorry; I am sorry my Lady Flippant is naught, but I'm glad I know it:--thanks still to my disguise.

_Mrs. Joyn._ Fy! fy!

_Sir Sim._ Nay, this hand can tell--

_Mrs. Joyn._ But how?

_Sir Sim._ She threw down my ink-glass, and ran away into the next room; I followed her, and, in revenge, threw her down upon the bed:--but, in short, all that I could do to her would not make her squeak.

_Mrs. Joyn._ She was out of breath, man, she was out of breath.

_Sir Sim._ Ah, Mrs. Joyner, say no more, say no more of that!

_Re-enter_ Lady FLIPPANT.

_L. Flip._ You rude, unmannerly rascal!

_Mrs. Joyn._ You see she complains now.

_Sir Sim._ I know why, Mrs. Joyner, I know why. [_Aside to_ Mrs. JOYNER.

_L. Flip._ I'll have you turned out of the house; you are not fit for my brother's service.

_Sir Sim._ Not for yours, you mean, madam. [_Aside._

_L. Flip._ I'll go and acquaint my brother--

_Mrs. Joyn._ [_Aside to_ Lady FLIPPANT.] Hold, hold, madam, speak not so loud:--'tis Sir Simon Addleplot, your lover, who has taken this disguise on purpose to be near you, and to watch and supplant his rival.

_L. Flip._ What a beast was I, I could not discover it! you have undone me! why would you not tell me sooner of it? [_Aside to_ Mrs. JOYNER.

_Mrs. Joyn._ I thought he had been discernible enough.

_L. Flip._ I protest, I knew him not; for I must confess to you, my eyes are none of the best since I have used the last new wash of mercury-water.--What will he think of me!

_Mrs. Joyn._ Let me alone with him.--[_To_ Sir SIMON.] Come, come, did you think you could disguise yourself from my lady's knowledge? she knew you, man, or else you had ne'er had those liberties. Alas, poor lady, she cannot resist you!

_L. Flip._ 'Tis my weakness.

_Sir Sim._ How's this!--but here comes my master.

_Enter_ GRIPE _and_ Mrs. MARTHA.

_Gripe._ Come, Mrs. Joyner, are you ready to go?

_Mrs. Joyn._ I am ever ready when your worship commands.

_L. Flip._ Brother, if you go to t'other end of the town, you'll set me down near the playhouse?

_Gripe._ The playhouse! do you think I will be seen near the playhouse?

_L. Flip._ You shall set me down in Lincoln's-inn-fields, then? for I have earnest business there.--[_Apart to_ Sir SIMON.] When I come home again, I'll laugh at you soundly, Sir Simon.

_Sir Sim._ Has Joyner betrayed me then! 'tis time to look to my hits. [_Aside._

_Gripe._ Martha, be sure you stay within now. If you go out, you shall never come into my doors again.

_Mrs. Mar._ No, I will not, sir; I'll ne'er come into your doors again, if once I should go out.

_Gripe._ 'Tis well said, girl. [_Exeunt_ GRIPE, Mrs. JOYNER, _and_ Lady FLIPPANT.

_Sir Sim._ 'Twas prettily said: I understand you, they are dull, and have no intrigue in 'em. But dear sweet Mrs. Martha, 'tis time we were gone; you have stole away your scarfs and hood from your maid, I hope?

_Mrs. Mar._ Nay, I am ready, but--

_Sir Sim._ Come, come, Sir Simon Addleplot, poor gentleman, is an impatient man, to my knowledge.

_Mrs. Mar._ Well, my venture is great, I'm sure, for a man I know not. But pray, Jonas, do not deceive me; is he so fine a gentleman, as you say he is?

_Sir Sim._ Pish! pish! he is the--gentleman of the town, faith and troth.

_Mrs. Mar._ But may I take your word, Jonas?

_Sir Sim._ 'Tis not my word, 'tis the word of all the town.

_Mrs. Mar._ Excuse me, Jonas, for that:--I never heard any speak well of him but Mr. Dapperwit and you.

_Sir Sim._ That's because he has been a rival to all men, and a gallant to all ladies. Rivals and deserted mistresses never speak well of a man.

_Mrs. Mar._ Has he been so general in his amours? his kindness is not to be valued then.

_Sir Sim._ The more by you; because 'tis for you he deserts all the rest, faith and troth.

_Mrs. Mar._ You plead better for him than he could for himself, I believe; for, indeed, they say he is no better than an idiot.

_Sir Sim._ Then, believe me, madam--for nobody knows him better than I--he has as much wit, courage, and as good a mien to the full, as I have.--He an idiot!

_Mrs. Mar._ The common gull; so perspicuous a fop, the women find him out:--for none of 'em will marry him.

_Sir Sim._ You may see, now, how he and you are abused. For that he is not married, is a sign of his wit; and for being perspicuous, 'tis false; he is as mysterious as a new parliament-man, or a young statesman newly taken from a coffee-house or tennis-court.

_Mrs. Mar._ But is it a sign of his wit because he is not married?

_Sir Sim._ Yes, yes; your women of the town ravish your fops: there's not one about the town unmarried that has anything.

_Mrs. Mar._ It may be then he has spent his estate.

_Sir Sim._ [_Aside._] How unluckily guessed!--[_Aloud._] If he had, he has a head can retrieve it again.

_Mrs. Mar._ Besides, they say he has the modish distemper.

_Sir Sim._ He can cure it with the best French chirurgeon in town.

_Mrs. Mar._ Has his practice on himself been so much?

_Sir Sim._ Come, come.--

Fame, like deserted jilt, does still belie men; Who doubts her man, must be advised by Hymen; For he knows best of any how to try men. [_Exeunt._