SCENE III.--_A Room in the same.

_Enter_ Widow BLACKACRE, _and two_ Knights of the Post,[126] _a_ Waiter _following with wine._

_Wid._ Sweetheart, are you sure the door was shut close, that none of those roysters saw us come in?

_Wait._ Yes, mistress; and you shall have a privater room above, instantly. [_Exit._

_Wid._ You are safe enough, gentlemen; for I have been private in this house ere now, upon other occasions, when I was something younger. Come, gentlemen; in short, I leave my business to your care and fidelity: and so here's to you.

_1st Knight._ We are ungrateful rogues if we should not be honest to you; for we have had a great deal of your money.

_Wid._ And you have done me many a good job for't; and so, here's to you again.

_2nd Knight._ Why, we have been perjured but six times for you.

_1st Knight._ Forged but four deeds, with your husband's last deed of gift.

_2nd Knight._ And but three wills.

_1st Knight._ And counterfeited hands and seals to some six bonds; I think that's all, brother?

_Wid._ Ay, that's all, gentlemen; and so, here's to you again.

_2nd Knight._ Nay, 'twould do one's heart good to be forsworn for you. You have a conscience in your ways, and pay us well.

_1st Knight._ You are in the right on't, brother; one would be damned for her with all one's heart.

_2nd Knight._ But there are rogues, who make us forsworn for 'em; and when we come to be paid, they'll be forsworn too, and not pay us our wages, which they promised with oaths sufficient.

_1st Knight._ Ay, a great lawyer that shall be nameless bilked me too.

_Wid._ That was hard, methinks, that a lawyer should use gentlemen witnesses no better.

_2nd Knight._ A lawyer! d'ye wonder a lawyer should do't? I was bilked by a reverend divine, that preaches twice on Sundays, and prays half an hour still before dinner.

_Wid._ How! a conscientious divine and not pay people for damning themselves! sure then, for all his talking, he does not believe damnation. But, come, to our business. Pray be sure to imitate exactly the flourish at the end of this name. [_Pulls out a deed or two._

_1st Knight._ O, he's the best in England at untangling a flourish, madam.

_Wid._ And let not the seal be a jot bigger. Observe well the dash too, at the end of this name.

_2nd Knight._ I warrant you, madam.

_Wid._ Well, these and many other shifts, poor widows are put to sometimes; for everybody would be riding a widow, as they say, and breaking into her jointure. They think marrying a widow an easy business, like leaping the hedge where another has gone over before. A widow is a mere gap, a gap with them.

_Enter_ Major OLDFOX, _with two_ Waiters. _The_ Knights of the Post _huddle up the writings._

What, he here! Go then, go my hearts, you have your instructions. [_Exeunt_ Knights of the Post.

_Old._ Come, madam, to be plain with you, I'll be fobbed off no longer.--[_Aside._] I'll bind her and gag her but she shall hear me.--[_To the_ Waiters.] Look you, friends, there's the money I promised you; and now do you what you promised me: here my garters, and here's a gag.--[_To the_ Widow.] You shall be acquainted with my parts, lady, you shall.

_Wid._ Acquainted with your parts! A rape! a rape!--what, will you ravish me? [_The_ Waiters _tie her to the chair, gag her, and exeunt._

_Old._ Yes, lady, I will ravish you: but it shall be through the ear, lady, the ear only, with my well-penned acrostics.

_Enter_ FREEMAN, JERRY BLACKACRE, _three_ Bailiffs, _a_ Constable, _and his_ Assistants _with the two_ Knights of the Post.

What, shall I never read my things undisturbed again?

_Jer._ O la! my mother bound hand and foot, and gaping as if she rose before her time to-day!

_Free._ What means this, Oldfox? But I'll release you from him; you shall be no man's prisoner but mine. Bailiffs, execute your writ. [_Unties her._

_Old._ Nay, then, I'll be gone, for fear of being bail, and paying her debts without being her husband. [_Exit._

_1st Bail._ We arrest you in the king's name, at the suit of Mr. Freeman, guardian to Jeremiah Blackacre, esquire, in an action of ten thousand pounds.

_Wid._ How, how, in a choke-bail action! What, and the pen and-ink gentlemen taken too!--Have you confessed, you rogues?

_1st Knight._ We needed not to confess; for the bailiffs have dogged us hither to the very door, and overheard all that you and we said.

_Wid._ Undone, undone then! no man was ever too hard for me till now. O Jerry, child, wilt thou vex again the womb that bore thee?

_Jer._ Ay, for bearing me before wedlock, as you say. But I'll teach you call a Blackacre bastard, though you were never so much my mother.

_Wid._ [_Aside._] Well, I'm undone! not one trick left? no law-mesh imaginable?--[_To_ FREEMAN.] Cruel sir, a word with you, I pray.

_Free._ In vain, madam; for you have no other way to release yourself but by the bonds of matrimony.

_Wid._ How, sir, how! that were but to sue out a habeas-corpus, for a removal from one prison to another.--Matrimony!

_Free._ Well, bailiffs, away with her.

_Wid._ O stay, sir! can you be so cruel as to bring me under covert-baron[127] again, and put it out of my power to sue in my own name? Matrimony to a woman is worse than excommunication, in depriving her of the benefit of the law; and I would rather be deprived of life. But hark you, sir, I am contented you should hold and enjoy my person by lease or patent, but not by the spiritual patent called a licence; that is, to have the privileges of a husband, without the dominion; that is, _Durante beneplacito_. In consideration of which, I will out of my jointure secure you an annuity of three hundred pounds a year, and pay your debts; and that's all you younger brothers desire to marry a widow for, I'm sure.

_Free._ Well, widow, if--

_Jer._ What! I hope, bully-guardian, you are not making agreements without me?

_Free._ No, no. First, widow, you must say no more that he is a son of a whore; have a care of that. And, then, he must have a settled exhibition of forty pounds a year, and a nag of assizes, kept by you, but not upon the common; and have free ingress, egress, and regress, to and from your maids' garret.

_Wid._ Well, I can grant all that too.

_Jer._ Ay, ay, fair words butter no cabbage: but guardian, make her sign, sign and seal; for otherwise, if you knew her as well as I, you would not trust her word for a farthing.

_Free._ I warrant thee, squire.--Well, widow, since thou art so generous, I will be generous too; and if you'll secure me four hundred pounds a year, but during your life, and pay my debts, not above a thousand pounds, I'll bate you your person, to dispose of as you please.

_Wid._ Have a care, sir, a settlement without a consideration is void in law; you must do something for't.

_Free._ Prithee, then let the settlement on me be called alimony; and the consideration, our separation. Come; my lawyer, with writings ready drawn, is within, and in haste. Come.

_Wid._ But, what, no other kind of consideration, Mr. Freeman? Well, a widow, I see, is a kind of sinecure, by custom of which the unconscionable incumbent enjoys the profits, without any duty, but does that still elsewhere. [_Exeunt._