SCENE I.--PINCHWIFE'S _House.

_Enter_ PINCHWIFE _and_ Mrs. PINCHWIFE. _A table and candle._

_Pinch._ Come, take the pen and make an end of the letter, just as you intended; if you are false in a tittle, I shall soon perceive it, and punish you as you deserve.--[_Lays his hand on his sword._] Write what was to follow--let's see--"You must make haste, and help me away before to-morrow, or else I shall be for ever out of your reach, for I can defer no longer our"--What follows "our"?

_Mrs. Pinch._ Must all out, then, bud?--Look you there, then. [Mrs. PINCHWIFE _takes the pen and writes._

_Pinch._ Let's see--"For I can defer no longer our--wedding--Your slighted Alithea."--What's the meaning of this? my sister's name to't? speak, unriddle.

_Mrs. Pinch._ Yes, indeed, bud.

_Pinch._ But why her name to't? speak--speak, I say.

_Mrs. Pinch._ Ay, but you'll tell her then again. If you would not tell her again--

_Pinch._ I will not:--I am stunned, my head turns round.--Speak.

_Mrs. Pinch._ Won't you tell her, indeed, and indeed?

_Pinch._ No; speak, I say.

_Mrs. Pinch._ She'll be angry with me; but I had rather she should be angry with me than you, bud; and, to tell you the truth, 'twas she made me write the letter, and taught me what I should write.

_Pinch._ [_Aside._] Ha!--I thought the style was somewhat better than her own.--[_Aloud._] Could she come to you to teach you, since I had locked you up alone?

_Mrs. Pinch._ O, through the key-hole, bud.

_Pinch._ But why should she make you write a letter for her to him, since she can write herself?

_Mrs. Pinch._ Why, she said because--for I was unwilling to do it--

_Pinch._ Because what--because?

_Mrs. Pinch._ Because, lest Mr. Horner should be cruel, and refuse her; or be vain afterwards, and show the letter, she might disown it, the hand not being hers.

_Pinch._ [_Aside._] How's this? Ha!--then I think I shall come to myself again.--This changeling could not invent this lie: but if she could, why should she? she might think I should soon discover it.--Stay--now I think on't too, Horner said he was sorry she had married Sparkish; and her disowning her marriage to me makes me think she has evaded it for Horner's sake: yet why should she take this course? But men in love are fools; women may well be so--[_Aloud._] But hark you, madam, your sister went out in the morning, and I have not seen her within since.

_Mrs. Pinch._ Alack-a-day, she has been crying all day above, it seems, in a corner.

_Pinch._ Where is she? let me speak with her.

_Mrs. Pinch._ [_Aside._] O Lord, then she'll discover all!--[_Aloud._] Pray hold, bud; what, d'ye mean to discover me? she'll know I have told you then. Pray, bud, let me talk with her first.

_Pinch._ I must speak with her, to know whether Horner ever made her any promise, and whether she be married to Sparkish or no.

_Mrs. Pinch._ Pray, dear bud, don't, till I have spoken with her, and told her that I have told you all; for she'll kill me else.

_Pinch._ Go then, and bid her come out to me.

_Mrs. Pinch._ Yes, yes, bud.

_Pinch._ Let me see--[_Pausing._

_Mrs. Pinch._ [_Aside._] I'll go, but she is not within to come to him: I have just got time to know of Lucy her maid, who first set me on work, what lie I shall tell next; for I am e'en at my wit's end. [_Exit._

_Pinch._ Well, I resolve it, Horner shall have her: I'd rather give him my sister than lend him my wife; and such an alliance will prevent his pretensions to my wife, sure. I'll make him of kin to her, and then he won't care for her.

_Re-enter_ Mrs. PINCHWIFE.

_Mrs. Pinch._ O Lord, bud! I told you what anger you would make me with my sister.

_Pinch._ Won't she come hither?

_Mrs. Pinch._ No, no. Lack-a-day, she's ashamed to look you in the face: and she says, if you go in to her, she'll run away down stairs, and shamefully go herself to Mr. Horner, who has promised her marriage, she says; and she will have no other, so she won't.

_Pinch._ Did he so?--promise her marriage!--then she shall have no other. Go tell her so; and if she will come and discourse with me a little concerning the means, I will about it immediately. Go.--[_Exit_ Mrs. PINCHWIFE.] His estate is equal to Sparkish's, and his extraction as much better than his, as his parts are; but my chief reason is, I'd rather be akin to him by the name of brother-in-law than that of cuckold.

_Re-enter_ Mrs. PINCHWIFE.

Well, what says she now?

_Mrs. Pinch._ Why, she says, she would only have you lead her to Horner's lodging; with whom she first will discourse the matter before she talks with you, which yet she cannot do; for alack, poor creature, she says she can't so much as look you in the face, therefore she'll come to you in a mask. And you must excuse her, if she make you no answer to any question of yours, till you have brought her to Mr. Horner; and if you will not chide her, nor question her, she'll come out to you immediately.

_Pinch._ Let her come: I will not speak a word to her, nor require a word from her.

_Mrs. Pinch._ Oh, I forgot: besides she says, she cannot look you in the face, though through a mask; therefore would desire you to put out the candle.

_Pinch._ I agree to all. Let her make haste.--There, 'tis out--[_Puts out the candle. Exit_ Mrs. PINCHWIFE.] My case is something better: I'd rather fight with Horner for not lying with my sister, than for lying with my wife; and of the two, I had rather find my sister too forward than my wife. I expected no other from her free education, as she calls it, and her passion for the town. Well, wife and sister are names which make us expect love and duty, pleasure and comfort; but we find 'em plagues and torments, and are equally, though differently, troublesome to their keeper; for we have as much ado to get people to lie with our sisters as to keep 'em from lying with our wives.

_Re-enter_ Mrs. PINCHWIFE _masked, and in hoods and scarfs, and a night-gown and petticoat of_ ALITHEA'S.

What, are you come, sister? let us go then.--But first, let me lock up my wife. Mrs. Margery, where are you?

_Mrs. Pinch._ Here, bud.

_Pinch._ Come hither, that I may lock you up: get you in.--[_Locks the door._] Come, sister, where are you now? [Mrs. PINCHWIFE _gives him her hand; but when he lets her go, she steals softly on to the other side of him, and is led away by him for his_ Sister, ALITHEA.