SCENE III.--_A Room in_ Mrs. CROSSBITE'S _House.

_Enter_ Mrs. JOYNER _and_ GRIPE.

_Gripe._ Peace, plenty, and pastime be within these walls!

_Mrs. Joyn._ 'Tis a small house, you see, and mean furniture; for no gallants are suffered to come hither. She might have had ere now as good lodgings as any in town; her Mortlake[42] hangings, great glasses, cabinets, china, embroidered beds, Persia carpets, gold-plate, and the like, if she would have put herself forward. But your worship may please to make 'em remove to a place fit to receive one of your worship's quality; for this is a little scandalous, in truly.

_Gripe._ No, no; I like it well enough:--I am not dainty. Besides, privacy, privacy, Mrs. Joyner! I love privacy in opposition to the wicked, who hate it. [_Looks about._

_Mrs. Joyn._ What do you look for, sir?

_Gripe._ Walls have ears; but, besides, I look for a private place to retire to, in time of need. Oh! here's one convenient. [_Turns up a hanging, and discovers the slender provisions of the family._]

_Mrs. Joyn._ But you see, poor innocent souls, to what use they put it;--not to hide gallants.

_Gripe._ Temperance is the nurse of chastity.

_Mrs. Joyn._ But your worship may please to mend their fare; and, when you come, may make them entertain you better than, you see, they do themselves.

_Gripe._ No, I am not dainty, as I told you. I abominate entertainments;--no entertainments, pray, Mrs. Joyner.

_Mrs. Joyn._ No! [_Aside._

_Gripe._ There can be no entertainment to me more luscious and savoury than communion with that little gentlewoman.--Will you call her out? I fast till I see her.

_Mrs. Joyn._ But, in truly, your worship, we should have brought a bottle or two of Rhenish and some Naples biscuit, to have entertained the young gentlewoman. 'Tis the mode for lovers to treat their mistresses.

_Gripe._ Modes! I tell you, Mrs. Joyner, I hate modes and forms.

_Mrs. Joyn._ You must send for something to entertain her with.

_Gripe._ Again entertaining!--we will be to each other a feast.

_Mrs. Joyn._ I shall be ashamed, in truly, your worship.--Besides, the young gentlewoman will despise you.

_Gripe._ I shall content her, I warrant you; leave it to me.

_Mrs. Joyn._ [_Aside._] I am sure you will not content me, if you will not content her; 'tis as impossible for a man to love and be a miser, as to love and be wise, as they say.

_Gripe._ While you talk of treats, you starve my eyes; I long to see the fair one; fetch her hither.

_Mrs. Joyn._ I am ashamed she should find me so abominable a liar; I have so praised you to her, and, above all your virtues, your liberality; which is so great a virtue, that it often excuses youth, beauty, courage, wit, or anything.

_Gripe._ Pish, pish! 'tis the virtue of fools; every fool can have it.

_Mrs. Joyn._ And will your worship want it, then? I told her--

_Gripe._ Why would you tell her anything of me? you know I am a modest man. But come, if you will have me as extravagant as the wicked, take that and fetch us a treat, as you call it.

_Mrs. Joyn._ Upon my life a groat! what will this purchase?

_Gripe._ Two black pots of ale and a cake, at the cellar.--Come, the wine has arsenic in't.

_Mrs. Joyn._ [_Aside._] Well, I am mistaken, and my hopes are abused: I never knew any man so mortified a miser, that he would deny his lechery anything; I must be even with thee then another way. [_Exit._

_Gripe._ These useful old women are more exorbitant and craving in their desires than the young ones in theirs. These prodigals in white perukes spoil 'em both; and that's the reason, when the squires come under my clutches, I make 'em pay for their folly and mine, and 'tis but conscience:--oh, here comes the fair one at last!

_Re-enter_ Mrs. JOYNER _leading in_ LUCY, _who hangs backwards as she enters._

_Lucy._ Oh Lord, there's a man, godmother!

_Mrs. Joyn._ Come in, child, thou art so bashful--

_Lucy._ My mother is from home too, I dare not.

_Mrs. Joyn._ If she were here, she'd teach you better manners.

_Lucy._ I'm afraid she'd be angry.

_Mrs. Joyn._ To see you so much an ass.--Come along, I say.

_Gripe._ Nay, speak to her gently; if you won't, I will.

_Lucy._ Thank you, sir.

_Gripe._ Pretty innocent! there is, I see, one left of her age; what hap have I! Sweet little gentlewoman, come sit down by me.

_Lucy._ I am better bred, I hope, sir.

_Gripe._ You must sit down by me.

_Lucy._ I'd rather stand, if you please.

_Gripe._ To please me, you must sit, sweetest.

_Lucy._ Not before my godmother, sure.

_Gripe._ Wonderment of innocence!

_Mrs. Joyn._ A poor bashful girl, sir: I'm sorry she is not better taught.

_Gripe._ I am glad she is not taught; I'll teach her myself.

_Lucy._ Are you a dancing-master then, sir? But if I should be dull, and not move as you would have me, you would not beat me, sir, I hope?

_Gripe._ Beat thee, honeysuckle! I'll use thee thus, and thus, and thus. [_Kisses her._] Ah, Mrs. Joyner, prithee go fetch our treat now.

_Mrs. Joyn._ A treat of a groat! I will not wag.

_Gripe._ Why don't you go? Here, take more money, and fetch what you will; take here, half-a-crown.

_Mrs. Joyn._ What will half-a-crown do?

_Gripe._ Take a crown then, an angel, a piece;[43]--begone!

_Mrs. Joyn._ A treat only will not serve my turn; I must buy the poor wretch there some toys.

_Gripe._ What toys? what? speak quickly.

_Mrs. Joyn._ Pendants, necklaces, fans, ribbons, points, laces, stockings, gloves--

_Gripe._ Hold, hold! before it comes to a gown.

_Mrs. Joyn._ Well remembered, sir; indeed she wants a gown, for she has but that one to her back. For your own sake you should give her a new gown, for variety of dresses rouses desire, and makes an old mistress seem every day a new one.

_Gripe._ For that reason she shall have no new gown; for I am naturally constant, and as I am still the same, I love she should be still the same. But here, take half a piece for the other things.

_Mrs. Joyn._ Half a piece!--

_Gripe._ Prithee, begone!--take t'other piece then--two pieces--three pieces--five! here, 'tis all I have.

_Mrs. Joyn._ I must have the broad-seal ring too, or l stir not.

_Gripe._ Insatiable woman! will you have that too! Prithee spare me that, 'twas my grandfather's.

_Mrs. Joyn._ That's false, he had ne'er a coat.--So! now I go; this is but a violent fit, and will not hold. [_Aside._

_Lucy._ Oh! whither do you go, godmother? will you leave me alone?

_Mrs. Joyn._ The gentleman will not hurt you; you may venture yourself with him alone.

_Lucy._ I think I may, godmother.--[_Exit_ Mrs. JOYNER.] What! will you lock me in, sir? don't lock me in, sir. [GRIPE, _fumbling at the door, locks it._

_Gripe._ 'Tis a private lesson, I must teach you, fair.

_Lucy._ I don't see your fiddle, sir; where is your little kit?

_Gripe._ I'll show it thee presently, sweetest.--[_Sets a chair against the door._]--Necessity, mother of invention!--Come, my dearest. [_Takes her in his arms._

_Lucy._ What do you mean, sir? don't hurt me, sir, will you--Oh! oh! you will kill me! Murder! murder!--Oh! oh!--help! help! oh!

_The door is broken open; enter_ Mrs. CROSSBITE, _and her_ Landlord, _and his_ 'Prentice, _in aprons._

_Mrs. Cros._ What, murder my daughter, villain!

_Lucy._ I wish he had murdered me.--Oh! oh!

_Mrs. Cros._ What has he done?

_Lucy._ Why would you go out, and leave me alone? unfortunate woman that I am!

_Gripe._ How now, what will this end in? [_Aside._

_Mrs. Cros._ Who brought him in?

_Lucy._ That witch, that treacherous false woman, my godmother, who has betrayed me, sold me to his lust.--Oh! oh!--

_Mrs. Cros._ Have you ravished my daughter, then, you old goat? ravished my daughter!--ravished my daughter! speak, villain.

_Gripe._ By yea and by nay, no such matter.

_Mrs. Cros._ A canting rogue, too! Take notice, landlord, he has ravished my daughter, you see her all in tears and distraction; and see there the wicked engine of the filthy execution.--[_Pointing to the chair._]--Jeremy, call up the neighbours, and the constable,--False villain! thou shalt die for it.

_Gripe._ Hold! hold!--[_Aside._]--Nay, I am caught.

_Mrs. Cros._ Go, go, make haste--

_Lucy._ Oh! oh!--

_Mrs. Cros._ Poor wretch!--Go quickly.

_Gripe._ Hold! hold!--Thou young spawn of the old serpent! wicked, as I thought thee innocent! wilt thou say I would have ravished thee?

_Lucy._ I will swear you did ravish me.

_Gripe._ I thought so, treacherous Eve!--then I am gone, I must shift as well as I can.

_Lucy._ Oh! oh!--

_Mrs. Cros._ Will none of you call up the neighbours, and the authority of the alley?

_Gripe._ Hold, I'll give you twenty mark[44] among you to let me go.

_Mrs. Cros._ Villain! nothing shall buy thy life.

_Land._ But stay, Mrs. Crossbite, let me talk with you.

_Lucy._ Oh! oh!--

_Land._ Come, sir, I am your friend:--in a word, I have appeased her, and she shall be contented with a little sum.

_Gripe._ What is it? what is it?

_Land._ But five hundred pounds.

_Gripe._ But five hundred pounds!--hang me then, hang me rather.

_Land._ You will say I have been your friend.

_Pren._ The constable and neighbours are a-coming.

_Gripe._ How, how; will you not take a hundred? pray use conscience in your ways. [_Kneels to_ Mrs. CROSSBITE.

_Mrs. Cros._ I scorn your money! I will not take a thousand.

_Gripe._ [_Aside._] My enemies are many, and I shall be a scandal to the faithful, as a laughing-stock to the wicked.--[_Aloud._] Go, prepare your engines for my persecution; I'll give you the best security I can.

_Land._ The instruments are drawing in the other room, if you please to go thither.

_Mrs. Cros._ Indeed, now I consider, a portion will do my daughter more good than his death. That would but publish her shame; money will cover it--_probatum est_, as they say. Let me tell you, sir, 'tis a charitable thing to give a young maid a portion. [_Exeunt._