The Book of Gud

One Sunday afternoon I was driving through a sparsely settled region on the southwest slope of the Catskills. It was growing late and I was anxious to get back to New York, but...

Then Fidu pricked up his ears and listened. And Gud listened also and he heard a far-off wailing sound, as of a soul in torment. So he bade Fidu to remain where he was, and he c...

As Gud was knocking about among the stars he saw yet another world spinning idly on its axis as it floated aimlessly in the nebulous ether. Prompted by curiosity he drew nearer...

As Gud passed on along the way he saw a white-haired man sitting in a window of the sky and writing with a tattered goose quill pen, which he dipped into a pool of blood.

And Gud came to a great Republic and sat himself down at meat in a tavern of the capital city thereof. Said the damsel who came to serve him: "Alas, there is no meat, for we hav...

Gud was not a real god such as men believe in. He was only Gud, whom no one believes in, and so does not exist, and will not unless some man who reads this Book of Gud should be...

As he was sitting one night by a campfire waiting for the beans to boil, Gud picked up a newspaper. Glancing over the advertisements, his eye fell on this item:

"Unfair competition," replied the prophet. "Those up-start scientists across the way have berated my goods and stolen my customers until I have none left save a few old ladies....

Having passed through the graveyard of the gods, Gud came to a vast beyond where there really was nothing, when the gods are dead there can be nothing. And so Gud journeyed on,...

"Of course, it merely means that the love of man is insufficient to satisfy the yearning of woman, and so she must look into the mirror of her own soul in search of greater spir...

As Gud and Fidu journeyed on they came to a rippling rivulet and saw two women who were bathing in the laughing water. Gud was not astonished at what he saw because Gud sees all...

Gud came around a bend in the Impossible Curve and lo, the Curve broadened into a great highway which was very smooth. The way had been rough before, so Gud now rejoiced and str...

I. B. Devil paced restlessly about in his brand new Hell. Everything was running in apple pie order, but not a soul in torment. That fact worried him, for it had been nearly two...

"A bear went over the mountain," sang the child (Gud stopped to listen, for the child had had its voice cultivated prenatally) "to see what he could see. A row of hanging skelet...

When the music had done Gud picked up a curved line which was shaped like a scimetar and whacked at the whirling spheres. Each time Gud whacked, he whacked off a disk from a whi...

After everyone else had drowned, Gud came up for air. He lit a cigarette and blew a smoke ring and tossed it on the water to see if it would float. It did and so Gud climbed upo...

Now the fame of Gud's wisdom was broadcast about, so that important personages of other worlds came and laid their problems at the feet of Gud and begged of him solutions.

And it came to pass that as Gud was making a long journey to a certain place he neared a wayside inn, and being weary he entered and found six characters drinking tea.

Presently Gud ran dead against an ivory wall; but being versed in aviation, he flew over it. Having done so he went on walking. Gud perceived that he was walking in a kingdom, a...

And Gud overtook a thief who had stolen an ocean and loaded it into a wagon which he had hitched to a star. The thief was making a poor getaway, for the wagon was leaking badly...

As Gud and the Underdog walked on their way, they passed through a dark valley where they could hardly see in the murkiness to keep their feet on the Impossible Curve, and so th...

A great storm of the far-flung astronomical elements arose without cause. The like of it had never been before nor since and it disobeyed all laws, both known and unknown, natur...

As Gud strolled along trying to forget the past he stumbled over the soul of an old blind ghost who was sitting on a petrified memory and sentimentalizing over her woes.

Gud was lonely, for he missed his faithful companion, the Underdog, whom he had sold into slavery. His heart was filled with grief, and remorse preyed upon his soul, and Gud res...

The Gods of the Gallows ride tonight Their shadowy faces spotted white. The creature who watches through the bars Hears every footfall under the stars. The gods of the gallows n...

Gud was walking and as he walked he wondered wherein and whereon he was walking. But as he knew all things he realized that he was in the Nth dimension and that he was walking a...

About a decade later, Fidu came running up to Gud. For a moment he was too excited to speak and could only bark, but when he again found his articulation the Underdog said: "Oh...

After a long journey Gud came to a place where it looked as if it needed rain. So he sat down upon a cactus and took out his horoscope and consulted the stars. Then he made an e...

"Because," explained the girl, "I made me a bathing pettitcoat and went bathing in the pool. Someone had told me how to make it and how to sew lead sinkers in the hem of it. But...

And Gud came upon a paradise, its streets of hammered gold. Iridescent fountains played beneath o'er-hanging palms, and gentle breezes, wafting through the glistening latticery...

As Gud was passing up through hell he saw two souls which were not being properly punished, but were strolling about as trusties of the place. Gud approached them and asked: "Wh...

And now Gud came to a place where the ether was as thick as coal tar. It was so dark that Fidu could not even imagine a moon, and Gud could not see any reason for existence.

Gud had traveled many infinite distances since he had seen any sign of matter or mind or spirits. In this region things were not merely dead! they were absolutely non-existent,...

She came toward Gud with an arch smile. In fact, her smile was very arch. Her brows were also arched. But her nose was as straight as the road to Hell and her lashes were curved...

Gud was dumbfounded. "What can you be doing on this Impossible Curve?" he cried, "for I destroyed everything and my dog has eaten nothing. Speak up, sir, and tell me what you ar...

They had not gone far until Gud was arrested. His thumb print was taken and he was cast into jail. As he did not know how to change his thumb print, he wished to know why he had...

After Gud had regaled himself on pork and beans he laid down under a deadly nightshade tree and fell asleep. As he slept a worm happened along and stepped on Gud, and Gud turned.

Then the Skeptic related to Gud some of the gossip of the place. "We have here," said he, "a powerful sheik who rules over this oasis in the Desert of Righteousness. The sheik b...

There are figures in the shadow but the shadow hides the faces, And their silence is a subject that must flagellate the flesh. There are hands and arms that touch you with their...

The man did not answer but kept on weeping. So Gud paused to read the epitaph on the tombstone of the grave on which the man was sitting. The inscription was: "IN THIS GRAVE LIE...

From out the distant and neglected past, The "is" or "isn'tness" of things remain As ever still unsolved. Admitting this, Outscepting every sceptic, we've indulged Our wildest f...

Once she had been indifferent To languishment or guile, But when I argued with intent To hold her by a smile, Upon my eyes her own were bent For quite a little while.

"That may also be true, Master, but nevertheless we just passed that world again where you made a virgin prophetess out of a stupid girl, and I know that building ahead of us is...

And now the rich merchant pointed out upon the horizon a small speck which was no larger than a woman's honesty. As the camel journeyed on toward the horizon the speck grew in s...

Lo, the north wind trembled and the sea of sorrow froze into beauteous frost forms that shimmered all lacy and green like ferns waving in an ancient breeze. And frozen frogs cam...

Now Cruickshank was a loyal worker Who frowned upon the average shirker, And in the place where Cruickshank toiled The wheels of work were shrewdly oiled, And profits had a way...

"I made several criticisms. I told him that his plot was choppy, and that most of it was stale; that the work lacked sadly in originality and there was considerable repetition....

Passing a heap of fossil platitudes Gud came to an oasis in a Desert of Righteousness and saw nineteen pretty murderers hanging in a row. There also he saw the couple who were p...

The next morning when the Underdog awoke he had an imagination that a fly had alighted on the ear which Gud had cut off. The Underdog grieved because he could not flop the ear w...

He loads the dice, scratches the cards, Hoists us up by our own petards; And when low music thrills the banquet halls, His shadow like a silent spectre falls In grotesque imager...

It was a great occasion--every seat Was filled and jewels sparkled rich and bright-- One almost heard each throbbing heart that beat As the orchestra filed in that gala night. T...

"I don't know," answered the deep sea diver, who was looking for the treasure. "But they call 'Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea' prophetic fiction, but you can't shoot a ri...

And the ghosts of the three blind mice sang to Gud as if their hearts would break. They sang of brave deeds, for they had been field mice and they had died upon the field of honor.

When Gud had finished that which he was writing he arose and looked about him. He seemed to be searching for something, but could not recall what it was, and decided that it was...

Who shall say that his love was not good For the dummy of cloth and wax and wood? I know that more curious things exist Than the love of a dreaming ventriloquist.

Having come a long way and being footsore and weary Gud felt that it was time to retire. But he possessed no sleeping garments. So he caused a deep sleep to fall upon the Underd...

The Gogs are good, the Gogs are great, They rule a realm of real estate. Their greedy little eyes are slits That vision beauty torn to bits, And when the night's aglow with star...

I met an old man walking through the sky, A sort of startled twinkle in his eye. "And who are you?" asked I. "I am Gud," replied he, with a frown. "Which one?" I asked, polite b...

And when the last sound had gone howling by and tumbled into the bottomless pit of silence, Gud held his breath, and even Fidu ceased to breathe and listened ... and listened fo...

Once Gud sat all alone High on his shining throne. The Devil had been driven Flaming out of heaven; And this was eons after Gud suddenly burst with laughter, Remembering with a...

We have built our own skyscrapers Out of slender metal girders, We have flung our shining cities, Reaped our harvests from the sod.... With our paths of empire crimson From a li...