Part 9

They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably necessary, if a fellow only knew how.

They liv apart from the rest ov mankind, in little circles numbering about 75 or 80 souls.

They are born about haying time, and are different from enny bug i know ov; they are the biggest when they are fust born. They resemble sum men in this respekt.

Their principle bizziness is making poor honey, but they don't make enny to sell.

Boys sumtimes rob them out ov a whole summer's work; but thare is one thing about a bumble bee that boys alwus watch dreadful cluss, and that iz their _helm_.

I had rather not hav awl the bumble bee honey that is between here and the city ov Jerusalem, than tew hav a bumble bee hit me with his helm when he cums round suddin.

They are different from other war vessels; the helm alwus minds the bumble bee.

LXVI.

SLIVVERS OV THOUGHT.

The heart ov a true friend iz like a mirror; if yu look into it yu see yurself thare.

* * * * *

Wisdom that don't make us happier aint worth plowing for.

* * * * *

I am dredful fond ov melody; and a banjo, with a negro hung tew it, will knock more sense out ov me, in one night, than i kan git back in 3 weeks.

* * * * *

It is a good plan tu know menny people, but tu let only a few kno yu.

* * * * *

I have no more respekt for those who only cater tu mi imaginashun, than I have for the man who fust invented ginger-pop.

* * * * *

I never knu a man ov much wisdum who could sing a song well or pla on a fiddle.

* * * * *

I don't kare how mutch a man talks, if he will only say it in a few wurds.

* * * * *

Rewards deferred make us miserable; it is jist so with punishments. When i was a boy, i had rather be licked twice than tew be postponed once.

* * * * *

Thare is one thing sertain: reason is more than master ov the pashuns. If this iz probably so, the man must be a phool who aint boss ov himself.

* * * * *

I think it reduces the stummuk ake tew holler; so i think it lessens awl kinds ov anguish, just as it does sin, by owning it.

* * * * *

We are awl willing tew pay more for being amused than instrukted.

* * * * *

How menny folks do yu serpose thare is in this world who are satisfied with things as far as they hav got? Not more than 6, i'll bet. This looks rather dusty for the rest ov the trip.

* * * * *

Thare aint no general rule for happiness; a man has tew be measured for his happiness, just as he does for his boots, and even then he don't alwus git a good fit.

* * * * *

Joy will make a man change ends quicker than sorrow.

* * * * *

If a yung man kant find enny thing else that he is fit for, i like tew see him carry a goold-headed cane.

The top rounds ov a ladder are always the most dangerous.

* * * * *

I beleaf in the final salvashun ov men, but i want the privilege ov picking the men.

* * * * *

Thare is just this difference between a success and a failure--1/4 ov an inch.

* * * * *

It is a great deal easier tew beat natur than it is tew equal her--so it is easier tew bile an egg tew much, than just enuff.

LXVII.

THE BUZZERS.

Ov awl the insekts or even animals, who occupy two legs and breathe the same kind ov air, and drink the same kind ov water that other folks do, thare is not a more distressingly bizzy and uncomfortably obnoxious one, than yure whisperer.

I mean now those men or those wimmin whose position in the world gives them the title tew be listened to, and even beleaved, who spend their lives like a bumbel bee on the wing, from flower to flower, and from thistle to thistle, buzzing and whispering.

These kind ov bumbel beeze deal only in sekrets ov the most delikate or dreadful kind, which they entrust to you with awl the importance and aimable reserve that distinguishes the intimate frend.

Thare is nothing in the world that would give them more pain or confusion (if you can beleave them) than to have their buzzes repeated, and yet, in truth, nothing would giv them more mortifikation if they were not.

They sow their seed as the husbandman duz his expekting it tew sprout, and rejoice as he duz in a good crop.

I know not from what ambishun this buzzing springs, unless it is the vanity ov knowledge, or the skarcity ov news; but one thing is certain, that no more inveterate workers kan be found--they are emphatikally the early birds who find the worm; they are the bizzy bees ov thrift, and they are your provident pissmires who alwus have corn in their cells against the calamity ov a wet day. Evry citty has a thousand ov them, evry village a score, and evry naborhood its Aunt Dority, or its Unkle Darby, who whisper and buzz from Christmas to Christmas agin. These insekts know evry marriage that is on the ways, and just when it is tew be launched; they know awl the slips and the slipshods within a circle of twenty leagues or more; they guess at outrages and divine bankrupcys; they hear ov elopements in the breath ov the morning, and see the spektral shaddow ov a domestik brawl stealing on tiptoze amid the gray ov the evening; they know the crimes ov evrybodys grandfather, and remember, just like a book, the time when the wife ov esquire Baker was no better than she should be. I don't know as there is truth enuff in the world just now to do the bizness with; if there aint, the buzzers may be in a measure necessary as a circulating medium; but if this is really so, they stand in the same relation to an honest circulation that other counterfit munny dus.

I hav searched the musty annals ov primogeniture, and hav dove down deep into the labarynths of succession, to trace the literal descent ov these slander-breeding and birth-giving scorpions, and found that about four thousand years ago, _Envy_ begot _Malice_, _Malice_ begot _Revenge_, and _Revenge_ had twins--one was a common thief and the other was a buzzer.

Nature seems, in the production of Buzzers, to hav transgressed one ov her most aimable laws: I mean, the grate parsimony she generally shows in inflikting humanity with venemous reptiles.

Stealing is more ancient and more honorable than malishus buzzing, but it aint quite so safe; the goods are often found on the thief, and this leads to his detection, while the buzzer is more like the incendiary, who applys the match and makes good his escape before the flames begin tew spread.

If these pests ov humanity were not wuss in their malice than a pizen snake without rattles, or meaner in their mischief than the robber ov birds nests, I would try and hunt up an apology for them, or at least, would attribute to an eager curiosity, or the vanity ov being thought a kind ov sub-treasury ov other folks' confidence, what is quite too often too gross to be set down only in the calendar ov crimes.

Good-bye buzzers, ov high and low degree--yu that buzz in petticoats, and yu that buzz in britches; I hav but one opinion ov yu, and that is--a dreadful mean one.

LXVIII.

MONOGRAFFS.

THE PASHIONATE MAN.

Pride, without dout, is the old man ov anger.

The pashionate man is like a hornet's nest, alwus reddy for a fight.

These kind ov men live, if they are possessed ov virtues, the most degrading kind ov a life; their fury is followed bi the humiliation ov repentance. Pride forces them tew the indignity ov an apology, and the apology is but the smouldering ashes ov another fit ov phrensy.

If men only flew into a pashun at great things thare would be some pleasure in forgiving them if it took an earthquake or an elephant tew stir them up, we could pity them; but to see them convulsed with rage bekause they stub their toe, or bekause their name happens to be spelt wrong in the morning paper, sinks them down tew the level ov a cat, whose dignity and decency is awl gone if enny boddy happens to step on their continuation.

But i don't want it told around the country that i am hollering halleluger for a living, on them kind uv men who kant git mad at all.

I don't believe the Lord ever intended, if a mule kicks me on one side, that i am tew turn the other fresh side tew the mule.

I say, let a hornet light ontu yu if he wants to, and let him set thare, and chaw his cud in peace; but if he stings yu, while he is setting on yu, i say, kill the cuss.

THE ZEALOUS MAN.

The zealous man is alwus trieing tew bile, that is, if he has got enny steam on at all.

His pot never simmers, it generally biles over, and puts out the fire; he is either awl bile, or not even lukewarm.

Zeal often makes a man more ridiklus than folly duz; in fakt, zeal and folly were twins, only zeal was born a little first; he couldn't wait, ov course, till his time cum.

Zeal in religion, is the way that biggots are made, an zeal in selling the most dri goods, is the way that good liars are made.

I beleaf in zeal, but when it trys tew beat Dexter's time, then i think it wants watching as much as a mule's hind legg dus.

Zeal that trots square, and goes a measured mile in about 3 minnitts without a skip, is mi kind; i am willing to bet mi suspender buttons (and they are the last things i want tew lose) on this kind ov zeal.

After all, zeal is a good deal like lead; when it is biling hot, yu kan run it into enny kind ov shape yu want tew, but when it is cold, it is as heavy as enny thing i kno ov.

I want mi zeal just as i dew mi beefsteak, nicely dun thru.

THE GOOD-NATURED MAN.

Good nature is not an accomplishment, (that is it is not one of them kind ov collaterals, that kan be manufakterd,) it is one ov the virtews, which a man gits, just as he dus his nose, bi having it born with him.

It is really worth more tew the world, tew hav a good natured man born into it, and go into the good natured bissness, than to hav a poeck born, and go into the poeckry bissness.

Good natur is what evry man kan understand, but there is a good deal of poeckry that noboddy kan understand, and if they did, they wouldn't be enny the wiser for it.

Good natured men work up into fathers, husbands, and brothers, fust rate, and without enny waste; they make good feller citizens, and evry boddy feels as if they had some stock in them; little children love them, and the girls ain't afrade tew be kist by them; they are as safe and as pleasant as root beer.

The good-natured man aint alwus a statesman, nor aint alwus just the man for sekretary ov the treasury, but to grease the griddle ov evry day life, tew soften the furious, tew raise the despondent, and tew endorse 60 day paper, he weighs at least a ton.

I had rather be a good natured man than tew hav a seat in the New York Legislature; thare may not be as mutch money in it, but thare is twice the means ov grace.

LXIX.

PHILOSOPHEE ON THE HALF SHELL.

I hav finally cum tew the conclusion that thare aint truth enuff in the world, just now, to do the bissiness with, and if sum kind ov compromise cant be had, the Devil might as well step in, and run the consarn at onst.

* * * * *

I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet, or else he is a boring in the rong plase.

* * * * *

Don't tell the world yure sorrows, enny more than you would tell them your shame.

* * * * *

Philosophers are like graveyards--they take all things just as they come, and give them a decent burial and a suitable epitaff.

* * * * *

Enny boddy can tell where lightning struck last, but it takes a smart man tew find out whare it is going tew strike nex time--this is one ov the differences between learning and wisdom.

* * * * *

Sailors heave the lead for the purpose ov finding the bottom, not for the purpose ov going thare--it is sum so with advise; men should ask for it, not so mutch for the purpose ov following it, as for the purpose ov strengthening their own plans.

* * * * *

I have got a first rate recollekshun, but no memory--I can recolleckt distinctly ov loseing a 10 Dollar bill onse, but cant remember whare, to save mi life.

* * * * *

There is men ov so mutch learning and impudence, they wouldn't hesitate tew criticise the song ov a bird.

* * * * *

Hogs hav an excellent ear for music--but it takes a dog tew pitch the tune.

* * * * *

I hav seen men as full ov indecision as an old barn--alwus reddy, but didn't know exactly which way to pitch.

* * * * *

Thare is sum folks whose thoughts cant be controled:--they are like twins, they cant be had, nor they cant be stopped.

* * * * *

Most ennyboddy can write poor sense, but there aint but few that can write good nonsense--and it alwus takes an eddycated man to appreciate it after it is writ.

LXX.

JOSH EPISTOLATES.

_Neptune._--I cant answer yure questions satisfactorily tew miself, but perhaps mi answers may suit yu. I cant tell yu what _wit_ and _humor_ is.

It may be the bringing together two ideas, apparently unlike, and hav them prove tew be a cluss match.

Thare wouldn't be enny wit in striking fire with a flint, but thare might be in striking fire with a piece of injia rubber.

I don't serpose thare would be enny grate quantity ov wit in yure telling sumboddy that yure gal was as hansum as a rose, but thare might possibly be sum wit into it if yu should go on and say that she was as frail, and as thorny, too.

Humor (as compared with wit) seems to be what the old fashioned folks in Connecticut used tew call "heat lightning," not the original artikle that gashes the heavens with a flaming sword, and makes a fellow's hair get up on end and ake with astonishment. Humor don't dazzle, don't knock a man down with a sparkle; it is more a soothing syrup, sumthing tew tickle, without enny danger ov throwing the patient into fits.

Thare seems tew be more than one kind ov wit; punning is called wit, but punning alwus looked to me like trieing tew make words pass for ideas.

Thare is without doubt, sum wit in puns, but it is something like sticking a pin into a man, just for fun, and then ask him tew join in the joke.

Thare is sum more kinds ov wit, but i find i aint roomy enuff in the skull tew talk mutch about them.

Wit and humor both are similar tew kissing; thare is a peculiar kind ov bewitchment in awl three ov them, that evryboddy can acknowledge better than they can pictur out.

Almost evryboddy hankers tew be witty, and most folks think they am, but ginowine wit is like piety; thare aint much ov it in the market, and those who think they hav the least ov it, are quite apt tew hav the most.

_Philo._--I am chuck full ov favourable sentiments towards dancing. I like most awl kinds, from a genteel, and modest Saratoger prance, tew the limber, and loose bilt Alabama break-down. Thare is no other way tew git the booby out ov a boy, and keep him from steping onto himself, than tew learn him how tew danse. This kind ov leg manuel is useful for both sexes. Dancing is just as harmless as gitting over a fence, and i think dancing-masters should be encouraged, but still i haint got enny more respekt for a full grown man, who weighs over a hundred pounds, who will give himself up tew this profession, ov learning folks how tew dance, than I hav for the fellow who exhibits trained mice. The best apology that i kan make, tew these dancing professors, is tew say, that they are martyrs tew the calling. But while I am loud in mi sentiments for the theory ov motion, thare is sum ov its collaterals that don't fasten onto my bussum with mutch exta-tickness, but rather with grate clammyness. I don't kno but awl the kind ov dances that are now raging, are as free from guile as an oyster, but i hav witnessed sum amung the top ov the ladder folks, (i don't know the name ov the dances) that i think ought tew be confined tew the married people, and each man with his own wife, and not tew menny bystanders at that.

The amusements which i refer to, are ov the cluss communion style, a species ov affectionate rotaryousness, interspersed with palpitating pauses, and demiquaver wiglings, which, strike me, must be indulged in with great risk by those whose minds and hearts ain't thoroughly broke to go in aul harness.

I kant dance miself; i was away from hum in mi younger dase, bissy about sumthing else, when i ought tew hav learnt, and the consequents is, that i cant even walk now without betraying mi awkwardness.

I am most certainly in favor ov dancing, as a matter of boddy and limb educashun; but i hope the fastidious and immoderately polite won't introduce into the exercise ov this most delightful and innocent amusement enny more questionable figgers and forms, and will see the propriety ov banishing some now already indulged in, which are more a credit tew their dexterity and prurient knowledge than tew enny thing else.

_Plutark._--"Bring up a child in the way he should go, and when he gits old, he won't depart from it."

This is trew, but it is tuff to know how to do it.

I have seen children brought up on hasty pudding and the catechism, half and half; but they didn't stick. Ministers' sons are proverbial eggs for badness; this may be owing tew the fact, that religious discipline aint half so good tew raise young ones on as good common sense is.

When I speak ov "religious discipline," Plutark, i don't mean piety, i only mean a certain kind of stiff-faced and buckram morality, made up out ov creed and ironclad noshons.

As a general thing ministers hav as little tew brag ov, over and above their piety, as ennybody i kno ov.

As a class, they are better judges of chicken pie than they are of human natur; their theorys are too much like a tredmill, and there is nothing in the world will ruin a child enny faster than tew bring them up by rule.

Children want studdying as much as the weather dus during planting time, tew know when and what tew plant.

One child may be as easy tew raise as pertatoes, and the next one as difficult as wild oats.

I have raised two miself, and consider them a fair average, and the only string I fiddled on was their good sense, and the more sense a child has got the less fiddling is necessary.

If a young one haint got enny sense, they won't pay for raising ennyhow.

If a child has got plenty ov sense, they are apt tew hav pride, and a child that has got sense and pride, is just as easy tew raise as a hopvine; aul you want to dew is tew stick up a decent pole for them, and then stand one side and look on, and jerusalem! how the critters will climb.

LXXI.

AULMINAK FOR 1869.

MARCH.

March begins on Saturday, and hangs on for 31 days.

_Saturday, 1st._--Sum wind; look out for squalls, and pack peddlers; munny iz tight, so are briks. Ben Jonson had his boots tapped 1574; eggs a dollar a piece, hens on a strike; mercury 45 degrees above zero; snow, mixed with wind.

_Sunday, 2nd._--Horace Greeley preaches in Grace church; text, "the gentleman in black," wind north-west, with simptoms of dust; hen strike continues; the ringleaders are finally arrested and sent to pot; eggs eazier.

_Monday, 3rd._--Big wind; omnibus, with 17 passengers inside, blown over in Broadway; sow lettuce, and sow on buttons; about these days look out for wind; Augustus Ceazer sighns the tempranse pledge 1286; strong simptoms ov spring; blue birds and organ grinders make their appearance; sun sets in wind.

_Tuesday, 4th._--Augustus Ceazer breaks the pledge 1286; "put not your trust in kings, and princes;" much wind with rain; a whole lot ov naughty children destroyed in Mercer street by wind; several gusts ov wind; buckwheat slapjacks invented 1745; Andy Johnson commits suicide; grate failure in Wall street; the Bulls fail tew inflate Erie; windy.

_Wensday, 5th._--A good day tew set a hen; mutch wind: "he that spareth the child, hateth the rod;" wind raises awnings, and hoop skirts; William Seward resigns in favor ov Fernando Would; Thad Stevens jines the mormons.

_Thursday, 6th._--Wind generally, accompanied with wind from the east; the Black Crook still rages; more wind; whisky hots still in favor ov the seller; sow peas, and punkin pies, for arly sass; babes in the woods born 1600; wind threatens.

_Friday, 7th._--Fred Douglass nominated for president by the demokrats; black clouds in the west; wind brewing; grate scare in Nassau street; a man runs over a horce; Docktors Pug and Bug in immediate attendance; horce not expekted tew live. Rain and snow and wind and mud, about equally mixt.

_Saturday, 8th._--Horce more easier this morning; mint julips offered, but no takers. About these days expect wind; wind from the northwest; a good day for wind mills. Half-past 5 o'clock, P.M., the following notis appears on all the bulletin boards. "Doctor Pug thinks the horce, with the most skillful treatment at the hands ov the attendant physicians, may possibly be rendered suitable for a clam waggon, and Doctor Bug corroborates Pug, _provided_, the oleaginous dipthong that connects the parodial glysses with the nervaqular episode, is not displaced; if so, the most consumit skill ov the profeshion will be requisite to restore a secondary unity." Later--"The horce has been turned out tew grass."

_Sunday, 9th._--This is the Sabbath, a day that our fathers thought a good deal ov. Mutch wind (in sum ov the churches); streets lively, bissiness good; prize fight on the palisades; police reach the ground after the fight is aul over, and arrest the ropes and the ring. Wind sutherly; a lager-beer spring discovered just out ov the limits ov the city; millions are flocking out to see it.

_Monday, 10th._--A gale, mile stuns are torn up bi the rutes; fight for 700 dollars and the belt, at Red Bank, Nu Jersey, between two well known roosters; oysters fust eaten on the half shell 1342, by Don Bivalvo, an Irish Duke; sun sets in the west.

_Tuesday, 11th._--Roosters still fighting; indications ov wind; counterfeit Tens in circulashun on the Faro Bank; look out for them; milk only 15 cents a quart; thank the Lord, "the good time," has finally come; Don Quixot fights his first wind mill, 1510, at short range, and got whipped the second round; time 14 minnits.

9:30 P.M.--Torch-lite procession at Red Bank, in honor ov the winning rooster.

_Wednesday, 12th._--Sum wind, with wet showers; showers smell strong ov dandylions and grass; gold 132 17-16; exchange on Brooklin and Williamsburgh, one cent (by the ferry boats.)

_Thursday. 13th._--Bad day for the alminak bissiness; no nuze, no wind; no cards; no nothing.

_Friday, 14th._--Wendal Phillips tares up the constitushun ov the United States; "alas! poor Yorick;" rain from abuv; strawberries, watermillions and peaches, gitting skase; rain continners, accompanied with thunder and slight moister; mercury abuv zero.

_Saturday, 15th._--Grate fraud diskovered in the custom house--3 dollars missing; fifty subordinates suspended; a wet rain sets in; robbins cum, and immediately begin tew enquire for sum cherrys.

_Sunday, 16th._--Henry W. Beecher preaches in Brooklyn by partickular request; dandylions in market only 15 cents a head.

_Monday, 17th._--Plant sum beans; plant them deep; if yu don't they will be sure tew cum up. Robinson Cruso born 1515, all alone, on a destitute iland. Warm rain, mixt with wind; woodchucks cum out ov their holes and begin tew chuck a little.