Part 8

Yure article on "frogs" is received.

It made me laff like lightning.

LX.

JOSH CHAWS HIS CUD.

Earthli glory is sum like potatoze on very ritch sile,--top plenty,--tater skase.

* * * * *

It aint so much trouble tew _git_ ritch, as it is tew tell when we hav _got_ ritch.

* * * * *

The most bitter sarkasm sleeps in silent words.

* * * * *

It is unkommon hard tew annihilate a man with words,--altho it is often undertook.

* * * * *

Hope is evryboddy's handmaid--she is a sli coquet and promises menny favors, but grants only a fu, and them are badly diskounted.

* * * * *

If yu want tew git at the circumference ov a man, examine him among men,--but if yu want tew get at his aktual diameter, meazure him at his fireside.

* * * * *

Thare is nothing so difficult tew hide as our follys.

* * * * *

Thare seems tew be 4 styles ov mind,--

1st, them who know it _iz_ so!

2d, them who know it _aint_ so!

3d, them who split the diffrence, and guess at it!

4th, them who don't care a darn which way it is!

* * * * *

Thare is but few men who hav karackter enuff tew lead a life ov idleness.

* * * * *

True Love is spelt just the same in Choctaw, as it is in English.

* * * * *

Thoze who retire from the world on akount ov its sin and peskyness, must not forgit that they hav got tew keep kompany with a person who wants just as much watching as ennyboddy else.

* * * * *

Buty that don't make a woman vain makes her very butiful.

* * * * *

A puppy plays with evry pup he meets, but old dorgs hav but fu associates.

* * * * *

He who buys what he kant want, will ear long want what he kant buy.

* * * * *

It kosts a good deal tew be wise, but it don't kost ennything tew be happy.

* * * * *

Necessity begot Invenshun, Invenshun begot Convenience, Convenience begot Pleasure, Pleasure begot Luxury, Luxury begot Riot and Disease, Riot and Disease, between them, begot Poverty, and Poverty begot Necessity again,--this is the revolushun ov man, and is about aul he kan brag on.

Power either makes a man a tyrant, or a tool.

* * * * *

Thare is no such thing as flattery,--if commendashun is deserved, it is no flattery, but truth, and if commendashun is undeserved, it is not flattery, but slander.

* * * * *

"Man was kreated a little lower than the Angels,"--and it is lucky for the said Angels that he was.

* * * * *

"The luxury ov grief!"--this, i take it, means tew hav yure old unkle die, and leave yu $9000, and yu cry.

* * * * *

"Love lies bleeding!"--this is probably one ov the bludiest lies that ever was told.

LXI.

MONOGRAFFS.

THE NEAT PERSON.

Neatness, in my opinyun, iz one ov the virtews. I hav alwus konsidered it twin sister to chastity. But while I almost worship neatness in folks, i hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew acktually make it fearful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want satisfied in being a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy uneazy who kum in kontackt with it.

When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail heds in the cellar stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks' feet in hot water, it iz then that neatness haz bekum the tyrant of its viktim.

I hav seen individuals who wouldn't let a tired fly light on the wall paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up the bread for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach up stairs and down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what they would hav him. I kan't blame them for being a little lively with the cockroach, for i don't like cockroaches miself--espeshily in mi soup.

Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az the vicktims ov extatick neatness; but they don't seem tew do mutch after all, for they don't get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbling it awl over agin.

If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean a hole right thru the side ov the hogshed in less than 3 months.

They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning it, and the only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or making dip kandles.

They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, and go tew bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git dirty. These kind ov excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell what kind ov soap will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin--very regularly laid out, but not planted yet.

If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness; but i think we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not stay but one night in a place, and i don't think she would undertake tew skrub up the whole ov the United States ov Amerika.

THE PHATT MAN.

Thare iz only 3 things that belong tew other folks that i ever envy, and them iz virtew, flesh, and understanding.

I suppose it iz possibel for a man tew manufakter hiz own virtew, and improve hiz stock ov understanding; but he kant kivver hiz long, lean boddy ov bones with a soft and pulpy cushion ov flesh, that is fun tew set down on.

I never cum akross a phatt man neatly dressed, with hiz slik and shining face cut generously out ov warm meat, and gashed with a pair of smaking lips, az smoothe and az gently red az the doorway tew a sea shell, and garnished with a grate pair of juicy eyes, that are forever slopping over with good natur, but what I wanted to call him unkle, and kiss him for mi ant.

And then their embonpint, (i beleave you call it,) so outspoken, so full ov good things, iz equal to a dinner, for a lean devil, like me, to look at even.

I kant tell whatt makes one man so phatt, and the next one so like an empty stocking, or a manakin in a narrow bolster, unless it iz that the phatt souls are like a mountain spring, fed from within, until they kant hold no more, and then run over the brim, tew make others happy.

Did ye ever kno a phatt man to commit sewicide? i guess yu never did; they luv gravy tew well for that.

Shaikspear loved old Jack Fallstaff more than enny picture he ever drew, and tho he filled him up tew the edge with deviltry, and stale heroism, and much sack, and but little bread, he made him phatt, and everyboddy would be verry sorry now tew hav this good-natured hillock ov flesh graded down out ov their memory.

When Shaikspear wanted sum pizen, he sought out, you remember, a _lean_ apothekary, who kept a grocery ov beggarly boxes.

Did yu ever hear ov a phatt man being hung? I guess not. They sumtimes destroy plum puddin, and biled ox, but they never murder enny thing that ain't good tew eat.

That must hav been a phatt Frenchman who exclaimed, upon hiz fust visit tew this kuntry, "By gar! what a people! Ten tousand different religions, and only one gravy!"

In konklusion, i never knu but one phatt skool-master, and he want good for enny thing, only tew slide down hill with the boys. This satisfize me that _phat_ iz only another name for virtew.

LXII.

JOSH TALKS.

"_Paul._"--Yu ask me what i think ov the "Gift Distributing bizziness," and i don't hesitate tew say, that it has awl the premonitory simptums ov a dead beat.

I hav alwus found that when enny man offers tew giv me ten dollars for 50 cents, he lies; i may think he means to do it, but he don't think so; but i may possibly cum within 2 dollars and a half ov it once, and if i do, i hav dun well, a grate deal better than i will the next time.

I never put enny money into these swindles, and would as soon undertake tew raize a good sized greenback bi planting a shinplaster back ov the hog pen.

If yu get desperate, and feel az tho yu must gamble, or die, go 25 cents, odd or even, on the number ov hairs in a kat's back, and count them; this will cool yu oph.

"_Peter._"--I kant simpathize with yu, for i never was in love miself, and don't kno what iz best tew grease it with.

Put a plaster on yur back, and see if that won't help yu.

If yu don't git enny better, wash in kerosene ile, and eat sum green persimmons; if that don't make yu feel enny more eazier, git sea-sick, and lift up things; this will cure 9 times out ov ten.

If yu find you don't git enny better, take another dose ov sea-sickness.

If yu keep a gitting, finally, more wuss, yu hav got the real old yeller love, and no mistake.

Thare iz only one kure for this kind, and that iz the ile ov wedlock; but this iz very powerful, and wants tew be took with grate caution.

I hav known one dose ov it tew give a man phitts for life.

"_Brahma Pootra._"--Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust place, that hens, thus far, are a suckcess.

They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff.

This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their yunger daze; but the hen ain't tew blame for this.

Biled hen is universally respekted.

Thare is a grate deal ov originality tew the hen--exactly how mutch i kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. Sum say Knower had hens with him in the ark, and sum say he didn't. So it goes which and tuther.

I kant tell yu which was born fust, the hen or the egg; sumtimes i think the egg was--and sumtimes i think the hen was--and sumtimes i think i don't kno, and i kant tell now, which way is right, for the life of me.

Laying eggs is the hen's best grip.

A hen that kant lay eggs--is laid out.

One egg is konsidered a fair day's work for a hen. i hav heard ov their doing better, but i don't want a hen ov mine tew do it--it is apt tew hurt their constitution and by-laws, and thus impaire their futer worth.

The poet sez, beautifully:

"Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen! I wish they'd let her bee; She used tew lay 2 eggs a day, And Sundays she'd lay 3."

This sounds trew enuff for poetry, but i will bet 75 thousand dollars that it never took place.

This bet stands open till the 17th day ov November next, at halff past twelve o'clock.

"_Student._"--Rats originally cum from Norway, and i wish they had originally staid thare.

They are about as uncalled for as a pain in the small ov the back.

They kan be domestikated dreadful easy, that is, as far as gitting in cupboards, and eating cheese, and knawing pie, is concerned.

The best way tew domestikate them that ever i saw, is tew surround them gently, with a steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate advantage.

Rats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever they hav a mind to.

Pisen is also good for rats; it softens their whole moral naturs.

Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and--who don't.

I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in Amerika (i quote now entirely from memory,) and i don't serpose thare is a single necessary rat in the whole lot. This shows at a glance how menny waste rats thare is. Rats enhance in numbers, faster than shoe pegs do by machinery. One pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start the rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, he will begin tew hav rats,--tew turn oph.

Rats viewed from enny platform yu kan bild, are unspeakably cussid, and i would be willing tew make enny man who would destroy awl the rats in the United States, a valuable keepsake, say for instance either the life and sufferings ov Andy Johnson, in one vollum calf bound, or a receipt tew kure the blind staggers.

LXIII.

GIMBLITS.

When a man loses hiz health then he fust begins tew take good care on it. This iz good judgment! this iz!

* * * * *

Most people decline tew learn only bi their own experiense. I guess they are more than 1/2 right, for I don't serpoze a man can git a perfek idee on molasses kandy bi letting another feller taste it for him.

* * * * *

It iz a getting so no-a-daze if a man kant cheat in sum way he aint happy.

* * * * *

Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn't much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump; he kant remember when he waz a tadpole--but other folks kan.

* * * * *

An individual, tew be a fine gentleman, has either got tew be born so or be brought up so from infansy; he kant learn it suddin enny more than he kan larn how tew tork injun correkly bi praktising on a tommyhawk.

* * * * *

I wonder if thare ever waz an olde maid who ever herd on a match that she thought waz suitable.

* * * * *

If a man wants tew git at hiz aktual dimenshuns, let him visit a grave-yard.

* * * * *

I suppoze Adam iz the only man who ever lived and want never spanked.

* * * * *

I hav oftin sett down square on the ice, bi having mi feet git out ov plase; but i never could see ennything in it tew laff at, (espeshila if thare waz sum water on the top ov the ise,) but i notis other folks kan.

* * * * *

Precepts are like kold bukwheat slap-jacks,--noboddy feels like being sassy tew them, nor noboddy wants tew adopt them.

* * * * *

If enny man wants tew be an olde bachelor, and git sick at a boarding tavern, and hav a back room in the 4th story, and hav a red haired chambermaid bring hiz water gruel tew him in a tin wash-basin, I hav alwus sed, and i stick tew it yet, he haz got a perfek right tew dew it.

* * * * *

It iz dreadful eazy work tew repent ov other folks sins--but not very profitable.

LXIV.

MORE CORRESPONDENCE.

LONG BRANCH, August 24th.

DEAR WEEKLY:--I seaze the opportunity--opportunitys are like pullet's eggs, they are small, and don't cum only one at a time--tew tell yu by letter how mutch I am infatuated with Long Branch.

I arrived hear tew weeks ago, just in time tew see the Atlantick Ocean, which iz now on exhibition and doing a swelling bizziness tew full houses.

The fust thing I did after mi arrival waz tew _go in_, and I waz astonished tew find the water so high seasoned. I asked an intelligent natiff who stood on the bank, with both ov hiz hands in hiz pantaloon pockets, the cauze ov this saltuous phenomenon, and he informed me "_he didn't care_."

I think the cuss lied.

It iz perfectly heart-rending, and fills one ov mi mellow nature with tumults ov genuwine sorrow, tew see the gross amount ov young femailes here on track ov husbands and prospective fathers.

I counted 16 yesterday in one pile. They all drew in their breaths as I passed by them with downcast eyes. I felt sorry awl the way through for them, but couldn't give them enny releaf, for I am thoroughly marrid, and intend to keep so.

Shoddy and Petroleum are both here, az full ov wind az a bellows, and attrakt az mutch attention az a pattent churn, warranted tew make good sweet butter from skim milk in ten minits; but they say "they shan't remain long, bekause it smells so much like old brine."

Yesterday I went out a crabbing, and caught a cart load ov them (several ov them with my hands).

Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country cousin.

Crabs are used for diet, but thare ain't mutch more meat in them than thare iz in a horse-shoe, and it iz about az difficult to arrive at.

They also hav the musketow here, a musikil bug, in great profusion; they travel around loose, and seem to know everyboddy.

The bathing here iz perfectly plenty, and the bathers resemble mermaids--half men and half wimmin--and when they emerge from the Atlantic Ocean you kant tell _which_ is _who_, unless you ask them.

After bathing yu feel a kind ov diskonsolate feeling, for which I was advised (by the resident physician) tew wet miself inside with sum whiskee.

I took one small wash, about a tumbler full, and immediately never felt so mutch like lifting things in awl mi life.

I thought I could lift an acre and a half of their light sandy land, and acktually tried tew do it, but after the whiskee let go its grip ov me I felt as though I could pursew an angle worm into her hole, and hadn't strength enuff left tew take a photograff ov me.

If ever I drink enny more Jersee whiskee, it will be after I am ded and gone.

Thare iz only one church here, and it kan hold so few that noboddy don't _go_, out ov politeness.

Thare iz 21 hotels, and they are principally bilt inside out, tew give the boarders az mutch salt wind az possible.

The lodging rooms are about the size ov a hencoop. Each one haz a door to them, two cracked wash bowls, and a wet towel.

Dinner iz paraded at 2 o'clock, and opens with soup, and shuts up with huckelberrys. Huckelberrys are the ruling pashun in New jersey.

The servants are designed tew be blak, but menny ov them hav resided so long amung the whites that they begin tew adopt our color.

Yesterday the Big Snake (which annually makes his appearance here, and at Nuport, and belongs tew the landlords ov the different taverns) waz distinktly visibel to the naked eye.

Az we stood gazing at the Black Crook, a very well drest man told me he hadn't enny doubt that this waz the old primary old serpent that snaked Eve out ov Paradise a fu years ago.

I waz so mutch pleased with the moral power ov the idee, that I immediately offered him six dollars for it, but he sed he waz engaged exclusively to write one year for the _Ledger_, and couldn't spare it. He also sed "he had made snakes a studdy for 14 years," and gave us a long orashun about the different kind ov snake, (including the copper snake,) and did it in sich a kind ov a way that led me to beleaf he waz one ov yure cussed brunette republikans.

Thare was one feller, who wore glasses and looked with hiz mouth, sed "the entire snake waz an optik allussion, cauzed by the rays ov the oshun upon the philaktrick globbules ov the saline fluids."

The feller had a very perpindikular forehed, and wore hiz hair a grate deal behind, and looked tew me az tho he had been gittin himself in condition tew travail in the Holy Land.

One delikate little cherub ov a female (not an hour over 35 years) screamed tenderly, and begun tew feel for a snake.

One pensive creeture murmured "How bewitching!" and another sed "How egstatick!" but one coarse individual spilte the whole effect ov the thing by bawling out, loud enuff for the snake to hear, "What a--lov a snake!" but the snake took no notis ov the remark, and soon skrewed himself out ov sight.

Adew.

LXV.

SUM NATRAL HISTORY.

The _Alligator_ iz not a natiff ov Nu England; he iz too useless a critter tew be born thare.

He belongs down South, and resides in the same swamp that the copperhead duz.

He lives upon raw pig, and don't hesitate tew take them whole, if thare don't happen tew be a smaller one handy.

He iz also fond ov a little negro, once in a while, by way ov a fresh.

They are amphibicus, and sevral other kinds ov cuss too plenty to menshun.

What on earth they are good for, i don't seem to know, unless it iz tew watch for pigs.

Their hides kan be tanned into leather, but they are az hard tew skin az a beech tree iz; and the leather, when tanned, iz just about as limber az a cooking-stove. But one pair ov boots, made out ov alligator, will last az long az a man's name duz; the only way tew wear them out iz tew heave them away.

Alligator meat iz not luscious. If yu ask for it at the fust-klass hotels, they will alwus tell yu "that they are jist out." It tastes az i should think the beef ov a mule would, who had been worked forty years in a brick-yard, and then been struk with lightning, to git rid ov him.

When an alligater's mouth iz wide open, hiz head iz just about in the center ov hiz boddy; but they hav one virtew i came verry near forgitting--they make a verry still noize, altho they hav more jaw than enny other critter i kno ov.

These are sum ov the heavyest fakts i hav been able tew gather about the alligater.

The alligator seems tew be a second edition ov the krokadile, made out ov what waz left.

I think the krokodile usually lays eggs when they want sum more krokadiles, but i don't kno whether i think the alligatur duz or don't; but if they do, and i ever find the nest, and the old feller aint on the nest, i shouldn't hesitate tew hatch out the eggs myself--with a klub.

This iz all i kno at prezent about the alligatur.

* * * * *

The Ren iz the smallest thing surrounded with feathers, except the humming bird.

He iz about the size ov a horse chestnutt.

He iz ov a dark brown color, and bilds hiz nest in not holes, out ov little bits ov stix.

He iz az gritty az a mud pie, and will fight a hen turkey.

Rens are little pirates; i hav seen them drive a blu-bird out ov his house, and sett up bizziness on hiz stock in trade.

They lay an egg about the size ov a marrow fat p, and hatch out at least a half dozen children at a setting.

A young ren iz the funniest little package i ever see done up; they aint much bigger, and look verry mutch like a small-sized semicolon.

Rens are long-lived, but if they should live tew be az old az Methuseler, they wouldn't be az bigg az a butter-nutt.

They liv on the bug and worm family, and spend their winters south.

They are not profitable to eat--i would az soon dress a bumble bee, and one ren pot pie would use up the whole breed.

* * * * *

THE CROW.

Next to the monkey, the crow haz the most deviltry to spare. They are born verry wild, but kan be tamed az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame crow iz aktually wuss than a sore thumb.

If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git into, it iz bekause the thing ain't big enuff. I had rather watch a distrikt skool than one tame crow. Crows live on what they kan steal, and they will steal enny thing that aint tied down.

They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold an inquest over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are a fine bird tew hunt, but a hard one tew kill; they kan see you 2 miles first, and will smell a gun right through the side ov a mountain.

They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to cultivate, but what they do sing, they seem to understand thoroughly; long praktiss has made them perfekt.

The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a blacksmith, and the cold like a stun wall.

They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both eggs would hatch out, if they was laid in a snow bank,--thare aint no such thing as stopping a young crow.

Crows are very lengthy; i beleave they live always i never knu one to die a natral deth, and don't believe they kno how.

They are alwus thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber shew, poor inside and out.

They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read sumwhare ov biled crow, but still i never heard ov the same man hankering for sum biled crow 2 times.

This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true, i aint tew blame for it; natur made the crow, i didn't; if i had i would hav made her more honest and not quite so tuff.

* * * * *

The Bumble Bee is one ov natur's sekrets.