Part 10

_Tuesday, 18th._--Look out for rain and yu will be apt tew see it; wind sow bi sow west; ice discovered in our Rushion purchiss; miners rushing that way; geese are seen marching in single phile, a sure indicashun ov the cholera; musketose invented by George Tucker, Esq., 1491; patent applied for but refused, on the ground that they might bight sumboddy.

_Wensday, 19th._--A mare's nest discovered in Ontary county; a warm and slightly liquid rain; thousands ov people hav visited the nest; windy; the old mare is dredfull cross and kickful; hens average an egg a day, beside several cackels.

_Thursday, 20th._--Appearance ov rain; plant corn for early whiskey; frogs hold their fust concert--Ole Bullfrog musical direcktor--matinee every afternoon; snakes are caught wriggling (an old trick ov theirs); a warm and muggy night; yu can hear the bullheads bark; United States buys the iland ov Great Brittain.

LXXII.

SUM NATRAL HISTORY.

"THE CLAM."--The claim iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under side ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don't cum out ov his shell. He iz deserted by his parents, at a young and tender age, but don't bekum clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps watch with hiz mouth, for sumthin tew cum along.

Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold, and clammy, but he must have a relish for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time. He iz the life ov the kompany at a clam-bake, and sumtimes may be seen sunning a half bushell ov himself, in front ov a grocery, and quite often 13 ov them, under the temporarious excitement ov salt and peppersas, hav bin known tew peal, and pitch into a man belo the belt, and kick up-a devil ov a muss with him.

The clam and the oyster are cuzzins, but the oyster haz the best edukashun ov the two; their habits are simlar, but thare iz a grate diffrence in the thickness ov their skulls, and in the softness ov their brains; the oyster would shine az a poet, in the collums of the monthly * * * * *, while the clam might do the fish market report for the New York daily * * * * *.

Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they sumtimes git into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky; they hav got an impediment in their noize; their lips open with too much titeness, and their mouth iz tew full ov tongue tew be glib.

Thare iz az mutch diffrence in the breed ov clams, az thare iz in the breed ov christians; sum are so tender; and sum are so tuff,--sum are good on the half shell, at a minnitt's notis, and sum want az mutch biling az a hoss shu, and then will stand a good deal ov chawing besides.

Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How long a clam kan live I don't beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5 thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted; a clam's time aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuff in; it is jiss so with sum other folks I kno ov.

* * * * *

"THE CRAB."--Natur is fond ov a joke.

She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft shell crab. The strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. They aint afrade tew bite a sawlog, or a black bear. They are born in the water, but they kan live out doors on the land as long az they kan find ennything tew bite.

They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the starboard side ov their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the mud turtles, but they move evry fust ov May, into a new one.

They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn't think so tew stand and look at them; it would bother a stranger tew tell where tew begin; it would be a good deal like trying tew make a sudden dinner out ov a kross kut saw.

They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until they stop biting, and then they are done, and are et by throwing away the boddy, and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. It is a good deal like trieng tew get the meat out ov a grasshopper's leggs. It is considered a good day's work to git one dinner out of biled crabs; I think perhaps a person mite sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin.

LXXIII.

MONOGRAFFS.

THE INQUISITIVE MAN.

Thare iz no commerce which men and wimmin indulge in, that haz so much plezure in it, and at the same time iz subjeckt tew such peculiaritys and abuses, az askin questions.

I hav seen people who could ask questions awl day long, and not looze enny flesh.

Theze kind are like 2 inch augers--espeshilly ordained.

They don't seem tew have enny difinite objeckt in view, and therefore seldum git satisfied, but if they ever do git satisfied, they are then awl reddy to begin agin.

They are something like the festiff-muskeeter, they kan liv on nothing, if it iz necessary, but they don't like tew be idle, and the best way to drive them oph, iz tew let them settle, and git full.

The inquisitive man don't seem tew be aktuated by maliss, or envy; he iz only dry, and asking questions iz the only thing that will wet hiz drouth.

They most alwus live tew a good old age, and often die ritch and even virtuous, but never satisfied; yu might az well undertake tew blow up a shad net with wind, az tew fill a genuine quidnunker with nuze.

* * * * *

THE LAZY MAN.

Self-preservashun iz the fust law ov natur, and laziness iz the sekund.

Laziness iz a kind ov moral dispepshee, or a species of virtuous gout.

It iz just az natral for a man tew be lazy, az it iz tew be born.

I never knu a lazy man tew really want ennything, wanting things iz just what spiles a man for laziness. Awl kinds ov laber requires an insentive; thare aint but now and then a man who is anxious tew saw dri hickory wood twice in 2 awl day long jist for fun.

Even boys hav tew be larnt how tew work, just az a dorg haz tew be lernt how to churn butter, and i hav known dorgs, after they had got well lernt, to hide under the barn churning days.

If laber iz a cuss, it strikes me that laziness must be a blessing.

Bees are alwus quoted az patterns ov industry, but bees don't lay up enny hunny in those kuntrys whare the flowers bloom the year round.

But i am not in favour ov laziness, and don't recommend it, even if it iz natral, enny more than i would recommend murder, bekauze the fust man that waz born into the wurld saw fit tew kill the seckund one naturally.

I hav alwus looked upon a lazy man az a kind ov natral pirate, who lives upon the oats ov others, and don't think he haz enny more right tew live and be lazy than a snake haz.

In conclusion, laziness iz like red hair, the only way tew cure it iz to die.

I forgot to say that the lazyest man I ever knu lived a little southeast ov Dunkirk; he waz too lazy to pay hiz honest dets, or even wipe hiz noze, and so he let them both run.

THE PERFEKT MAN.

It is hard work tew be perfeckt, and yet thare is menny who reach perfekshun with fust rate skill.

Thare seems to be 2 kinds ov worldly perfekshun; one kind is very mutch like a squash; if it is good, it is good bekause it kant help it.

I alwus envy this kind, they don't hav enny intestine fights with themselfs; they are like an eight day clock, don't want winding up but onst a week.

Their morality is like the Eolian harp; even an east wind will play a pleasant tune upon it.

The other kind ov perfektion belongs tew those folks who kno they are perfekt, these kind ov perfectioners travel on their muscle, and wouldn't be afrade tew fight the Devil for 200 dollars a side.

Whenever yu find a man who is natrally perfekt, yu will find one who either never haz been temted or who haint got enny thing worth tempting. And whenever you find a man who sez he is perfekt, yu find one who want swatching az much az a buzz saw duz. Theze 2 kinds ov moral perfectioners are the only ones i kno ov in this wurld; we kan awl ov us imagine, and even hanker, for sumthing better than either ov theze, but perfekshun is not earthy, it roosts near the skeys.

THE FAULT-FINDING MAN.

Good Lord deliver us! Good Lord deliver us now this minnit! from the fault-finding man.

One ov yure wheezing cusses, i mean.

These kind ov humin critters are alwus full ov natral flesh; evry boddy iz wrong but they grab thissells, whare other folks gather figs. If they enjoy enny thing they do it under a kind ov protest, and if enny body else enjoys enny thing, they are reddy tew bet 10 dollars, they lie about it.

I pitty these poor fellers, more than i do a lost dorg.

Their happiness seems tew be alwus drawn from the top ov their misery.

Rather than not be able tew find enny fault, they wouldn't hezitate tew say tew an angle-worm, that his tail was altogether too long for the rest of his boddy.

They keep up a kind ov running fight, all their lives, with evry thing they cum across, but seldum ever win a battle; they are like a second-rate bull terrier, alwus a fighting and alwus a gitting licked.

LXXIV.

JOSH DOES UP HIS CORRESPONDENCE.

"_Bushrod._"--I got yure faver bi this morning's mail, and taking oph mi cut, and rooling up mi sleeves, and spitting on mi hands, repli az follers:

If yu have got plenty ov brains, and no money, Nu York citty iz a good place tew cum to, but if yu hav got plenty ov money, and no brains, stay right whare yu are, and keep in the house most always.

A ritch phool, in this citty, iz soon smelt out, and then don't last enny longer than a nuzeboy's brekfast.

If you haint got enny money, nor enny brains, steal a cow, the fust good chance yu kan git, and live quietly on the milk.

"_Deacon._"'--Yure question iz too big; i kant tell which i think iz the most preacher, Chapin or Beecher.

They kan, either ov them, preach the gospel up a heavier grade than enny men i kno ov, in North Amerika, including our rushing possessions.

Sum folks think that religion consists in preaching the gospel thru yure noze, and that piety iz a kind ov moral jandies, but i don't; i beleave the Lord iz not angry at a lively christian, provided he iz level, and duz bizz square, after dark.

Sum people are down on sensashun preachers, but i aint. Paul waz a sensashioner ov the best brand, and i kno ov lots ov places now, whare a man could preach the gospel, with one hand on hiz revolver, and do a good bizzness.

The world iz choked up with human beings, who hav either got tew be skared or drove into heaven, if they ever git thare.

I kan imagine that it iz hard work for a man, with a head full ov lightning, not tew flash once in a while, but lightning don't skare me; I had rather be struk with it, than tew be strangled with sawdust.

Thare iz plenty of churches in the United States left, whare yu kan have religion measured out to yu by the small meazure, and whare piety sits like an owl on its roost. If yu are afrade ov lightning, tend one ov theze.

I have sot under dull and under lively preeching, and i say, (if thare iz enny to spare,) give me the lively.

"_Molly._"--Street dresses are worn here almost unanimously; in fackt, it iz impossibel tew see enny kind ov a femail in the streets without sum kind of a dress on--i mean street dress.

They are made in the shape ov a dinner-bell, and fit just about az tight.

Waterfalls are a peg higher than they waz, and soon will be worn on the top ov the hed, like a rooster's comb.

Hoop skirts are close-reefed, and tilters are on their last leggs.

Kid gloves are the rage in lavender; the more lavender the better, and the hair eddys in front, like a nest ov yung whirlpools just hatched out, and drops down behind from the waterfall in one link a foot long, about the size ov a rope, with the pucker coming out ov it.

"_Barney_"--I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the Merchants' Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart ov milk for hiz tea.

He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made him stick out like a false caff.

He slept sound last night, and hasn't waked up yet, altho it iz now 10 o'clock this morning.

I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and he iz now rushing things around the room for sum rats.

He haz just tipped over a Chinese god, worth 8 dollars, and broke him, he will git rats when mi wife cums in.

He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little boy's toe--to hiz shoe.

He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other vase agin, I'll bet.

Thare goes the other vase, bi thunder! all tew powder.

He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and in.

He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him went.

He haz just found a poor little boy in the street, whom he knows, and the boy seems tew know him, and they hav gone round the next block, on a run, together, tew see sumthing.

He don't seem tew cum back!

It iz now to-morrow, and the tarrier don't seem tew cum back.

My wife iz glad ov it.

I am out 2 vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier.

My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him tew immediate soak in the cistern at onst.

Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimmin that don't make enny statements unless they are true, so yu needn't send me enny more tarrier.

LXXV.

CUPID ON A RAID.

It iz real singular what a man-killer and a woman killer the god Cupid iz for one ov hiz heft.

He iz piktured out on paper about the size of a four-year old fat boy baby, with a pair of wings about az large as a boss butterfly's, and iz armed with a bow and arrows, that might possibly answer tew kill bumbelbees at four paces.

This little fellow haz bagged more game with hiz wooden shuteing irons than aul the powder and shot that ever haz been built can brag ov.

I suppoze that it is generally known that he shutes from under cover, at both long and short range, and never iz seen himself.

He haz in hiz quiver innumerable arrows, sum few ov them dipped in genuine love, and feathered with good sense, but most ov them would seem too trifling tew be at all dangerous if I hadn't, with mi own eyes, noticed him at work with them, both at male and female game, both sitting and flieing, and seen the many ded shots he haz made.

I have been at sum pains for the last tew seazons tew watch hiz manoovers, whare I have happened tew be, and the following reckord iz a faithful history of this little chap's bloody bizz:

--> Ben Slocum, aged 19 years, weight about 190 pounds, and a good eater, at work by the month for Farmer Brown, hoeing corn, received hiz death wound from a garter belonging to Rachel Tucker, Brown's hired girl, as the said Tucker waz learning tew jump the rope down in the garden.

--> Kate Freelove, youngest daughter of I. S. Freelove, Esq., who could play big on the pianner, and had studied Latin one quarter, waz shot thru and thru by a paper ov Stuart's mixed candys that Frank Fever sent her.

--> John Davis got his mutton cooked bi a spit-curl that waz dangling on Angeline Brown's forehead.

--> Bill Weatherby, a dry goods clerk, died suddenly bi gitting in range ov one ov Roxy Mathew's sweetest smiles, darted acrost the counter.

--> Sally Munson disseased without a struggle. Cause--Dick Fenton's No. 7 patent leather boots, and Californy soltaire.

--> Master David Mentor, aged 12 years, departed this life at a district school-house while sharpening little Libby Sherman's slate pensil.

--> Sam Benson, butcher, wounded with a hoop skirt, got better, then was struck plumb dead by a false calf, in the Bowery.

--> Lawrence Peters, aged 60, and for 30 years a consistent bachelor, lived only an hour, in grate agony, atfer eating warm apple pies at Widow Stebbins's.

--> Matt Marshall, worth 250 thousand in 7-30's, waz give up for ded, the arrow passing direktly thru hiz heart, from Maggie Morse's tucker, but recovered instantly upon learning that Maggie's father waz only worth 75 thousand.

--> Frank Hunter, maimed for life by a black balmoral with an orange stripe in it.

--> Tabitha Spencer, slightly tuff, had been shot at a hundred times, and always mist, waz finally fetched by the Rev. Furbush, in his grate act, reading the 146th hymn, common meter.

--> Seth Perkins, tailor, waz slain, goose in hand, by a pucker in the eye ov Hanner Hemstich's cambric needle.

--> Matilda Alabaster Jones, caught her death by a squeeze from the hand of Fitzherbert Augustus Boliver, only son ov Duke Mose Boliver. This squeeze took place last Friday.

--> Jack Tindar, killed instantly at Saratoger, on the 15th ov last August, by four shots at once, from the eyes ov Jane Smirk, and her cuzzin Tildy.

--> Spencer Richards was wantonly murdered by a chance shot, in a crowd, from an opera glass.

LXXVI.

JOSH COMMUNES WITH HIS FRIENDS.

Dear Joe--Your letter came by the last mail and brought with it menny thoughts ov that sunny time when yu and I waz boys, and slid down hill together. Yu ask for mi advise upon a topick which iz always a delikate one for a third party to mix in with; but yu are aware that I am not very delikate, and don't hesitate tew launch mi opinion, espeshily when invited to do it. I consider advise generally wasted, and most sure to be when given upon the matter in question, but i hav a large stock ov it on hand, and shan't miss what i devote to you.

By awl means, Joe, git married, if yu hav got a fair show. Don't stand shivvering on the bank; but pitch in and stick yure head under, and the shiver iz awl over. Thare aint enny more trick in gitting marrid, after yu are ready, than there iz in eating peanuts. Menny a man haz stood shivvering on the shore till the river haz awl run out. Don't expect tew marry an angel; the angels hav awl been picked up long ago. Remember, Joe, yu aint a saint yureself. Don't marry for buty excloosively; buty iz like ice, awful slippery, and thaws dredful eazy. Don't marry for garments; dry goods are uncommon deceptibus; they are like the feathers on a blue-jay--pick oph the feathers, and thare aint nothing left. Don't marry for munny; munny may make yu respectabel, but kan't make you honnest nor happy. Don't marry excloosively for luv neither; luv iz like a cooking-stove, good for nothing when the fuel gives out. But marry a mixtur. Let the mixtur be: sum buty, becumingly dressed, with about 225 dollars in her pocket; a good speller, handy and neat in the house, plenty ov good sense, a tuff constitution and by-laws, small feet, and a light stepper; add tew this, clean teeth, and a warm heart; the whole tew be well shaken before taken. This mixtur will keep in enny climate, and not evaporate. If the cork happens tew be left out for two or three minutes, the strength aint awl gone.

Joe, for heaven's sake don't marry for pedigree; thare aint much in pedigree, unless it iz backed up bi bank stock; a family, with nothing but pedigree, generally lacks sense; they are like a kight with tew much tail; if they would only take oph sum ov the tail, they mite possibly git up, but they are always tew illustrious to take off any tail.

Let me hear from yu again, Joe, soon.

But mi dear fellow, don't be afrade; wedlok iz az natral az milk, but in course thare iz sum difference in milk about highsting cream, but there iz one thing that don't vary, and that iz awl milk tew have the cream rize good, and keep sweet, must be kept in a cool place, not be rousted up tew often.

Don't be an olde bachelor; lonesum, and selfish, crawling out ov yure hole, in the morning, like a shiny backed beetle, and then backing into it again, late every night, suspicious, and suspected.

I would az soon be a stuffed rooster, set up in a show window, or a tin weather cock, on the ridge-pole of a female seminary, az a lonesum bachelor, jeered at by awl the virginity ov the land.

_Jeremiah._--Don't confuse learning and wisdum; thare iz jist az mutch diffrence between them az thare iz between fruit that iz raized in a hott-house and that which ripens out doors, smiled upon bi the sun, and shook up by the wind and the storm.

When the two hitch up together, they are a bully team.

Wisdum, being natrally the stoughtest, takes learning up in its arms, and learning points out the shortest road tew take; they work together handy az a pair ov twin oxen.

If a man kant hav but one, he better hav the wisdum, for wisdum iz alwus fatt with good sense, and kan alwus uze its strength; while learning must hav just sich a spot tew work in, and jist sich a way tew do it.

Wisdum iz a giant, whoze strength makes him respekted, while learning iz a pigmy, whoze knowledge makes him feared.

But, Jeremiah, thare kan be a good deal sed for both ov them.

Wisdum grows stout by thinking, and learning gits fat by studdy.

Wisdum iz ov the natur ov genius, while learning iz ov the natur ov tallent.

But, Jeremiah, these subjects are too full ov logick for you and me tew phool with. We had better spend our loose moments in finding out the best way tew raize beans, and the best market tew take them to.

P.S.--I forgot to say that thare iz four hundred times az mutch learning in the world as thare iz wisdum.

And also, a man may hav a grate deal ov learning, and not know mutch, just as he may have a grate deal ov strength, and not know the best holts.

LXXVII.

JAW BONES.

Genius iz like a hop vine; it will run, and spread, enny how, and hav a whole lot ov wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be poled, and cut back, and suckered.

_Precept_ iz a buck saw--_experience_ the elbo grease that runs the cussid instrument.

Don't talk tew much, Jessie; one half the wisdum ov this world consists in not saying ennything.

Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than praize; it iz like filling them up with gunpowder, and then tutching them oph.

Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don't appear tew me to be enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are.

LXXVIII.

MORE PHILOSOPHY.

THE SUSPICIOUS MAN.

Suspicion, a little ov it, iz almost az good az wisdum, but it iz one ov them kind ov disseazes that men aint apt tew hav small. It iz like the meazles--if they have it they hav it aul over.

A suspicious man iz most alwus a cunning man; and a cunning man iz generally a rogue.

What the happiness ov a suspicious man consists in i never could tell. It certainly aint in friendship, for he iz afraid tew trust hiz own brother; it kant be in conversashun, for he beleaves evry man lies; nor in affection, for he looks upon the artlessness, even ov children, as the germs ov fraud.

If a man iz born with this trait, it iz alwus the stoughtest one he haz got, and about the only one; for suspicions iz like sheep sorrell, a vinegary weed, that runs evry generous plant out ov the soil.

If a man learns tew be suspicious, it only proves that he haz been tew bad schools, where not mutch of ennything else waz taught.

Noboddy but a phool would lay aside all kaution and undertake tew go thru this world without enny linch-pin; but noboddy but a rogue would learn enny more suspicion than he was aktually obliged to.

Prudence and kaution are the simple children ov wisdum; but suspicion iz either a bastard, got by Deceit, upon the person of Ignorance, or else it iz the legitimate baby ov parents who hav studdied kaution, not tew protekt themselves, but tew be able tew cheat sumboddy else aul the eazier.

THE WISE MAN.

Wisdum is a six-hoss team, with a karfull driver on the box. Yea! a wize man iz an iron-klad elephant chawing hiz cud.

But this wurld is full ov wisdum that never cums out ov its hole; that always roosts on the top limbs ov a tree and hoots at the wayfairing man, but kant show him the way out ov the wilderness.

These kind ov wise men are like old gideboards at the crotch ov the roads with the lettering aul washed oph--wooden prophets, wus than no news.

Wisdum is made out ov faith and virtew and truth seasoned with toil and experience, and scented with modesty. This kind ov wisdum is full as glorious as it is skase.