Part 17

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _MIXT PHOOD._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ ~ @ Raw kold | | | 2| S || now whissell @ @ | Whiskey makes a grate menny | | 3| G || @ in your kats | wize men to day, and phools | | 4| M || more snowy @ @ | tommorow. | | 5| T || @ @ Sue Benson | | | 6| W || died 1812 @ @ | * * * * * | | 7| T || @ expekt @ snow | | | 8| F || Sue @ waz @ a * flirt | | | 9| S || mutch raw ß @ | Persons who marry after a long | |10| G || @ @ @ now | and tejus courtship, go into | |11| M || con::glom::e::rate | bizzness with just about the same | |12| T || @ sassage @ | alakraty, that an old plough hoss | |13| W || | jogs to church on Sunday. | |14| T || wind north ~ ¶ | | |15| F || @ @ Noah @ @ | | |16| S || owned @ the @ ark | * * * * * | |17| G || @ @ it @ snows | | |18| M || let her snow @ @ | | |19| T || @ @ @ hansum iz | Kuriosity is the same in all | |20| W || az hansum duz @ | people, the vulgar stare, and the | |21| T || @ :@: @ | refined peek thru a krak. | |22| F || :|: quite snowfull ~ | | |23| S || now slay @ @ | | |24| G || @ @ @ turkeys | * * * * * | |25| M || Noah @ Webster | | |26| T || @ bilt the @ | | |27| W || dikshionary @ @ @ | It is sed that men will tell the | |28| T || @ @ @ | truth when they are drunk, but | |29| F || may we all meet | sutch folks will lie more than | |30| S || @ @ @ next year | enuff to ballance the akount, | |31| G || GOOD-BYE !!!! | just az soon az they git sober. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_PREVAILING SENTIMENTS OV THE PRESS._

Josh Billings still livs, and his Allminax for 1877 iz full ov joy for the sad, and rest for the weary.

_Atlantik Monthly._

* * * * *

How natural, how happy, how concise, how forcible, it is, Josh Billings' Allminax for 1877.

_Appleton's Journal._

* * * * *

Welcome, sweet morsel of delight, ever funny, and ever profound, Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the current year.

_Harpers' Bazzar._

* * * * *

Bully for you Josh, hit 'em agin, slay, and spare not, may you outlive Methuseler, and not haul in your gang plank until Gabriel cries, "All a board."

_Springfield Republican._

* * * * *

Aroma of lovelyness, perfume of joy, essence of tiltilation, breath of beauty, seance of bliss, Josh Billings' Allminax for 1877.

_Lady's Book._

31 Days. JANUARY. 1877.

Q.--How iz yure mother-in-law? @ @ @ @

A.--Pretty well i thank yu, how iz yures? @ @ @

_Hawk eyed, and spileing for a fight, If enny one thinks they kan lick him, Just let them put up the spondulicks, And trot out the other game chicken._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _PETS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ Now dig ice | | | 2| T || @ kold @ but | A man with mutch welth, and | | 3| W || raw @ ¶ meazles | no pedigree, should do az the | | 4| T || diskovered 1312 @ | bob tailed kats do, set down on | | 5| F || @ * snowfull * @ | himself, and keep still. | | 6| S || Adam fell @ hard | | | 7| G || ::: wind north @ | | | 8| M || § Enok Jones died | * * * * * | | 9| T || @ 1102 -- more | | |10| W || snow @ Enok < | | |11| T || @ Jones was a free | Tricks upon travellers are allwuss | |12| F || | dangerous experiments, i | |13| S || lover @ sighns @@ | hav known a ded hornet to | |14| G || ov melting @ now | wake up sudden, and sting just | |15| M || destroy sum -- @ | once more. | |16| T || hogs @ it rains @ | | |17| W || @ litening @ bugs | | |18| T || fust seen 956 @ (!) | * * * * * | |19| F || × inkreasing snow | | |20| S || @ mormonism @ | | |21| G || invented 1832 () * | Familiarity iz a dangerous | |22| M || @ @ snow 4 feet | experiment, the most familiar thing | |23| T || deep * now the @ | in the whole world iz a puppy, | |24| W || [Φ] muskeeter [Φ] | and the oftenest stept on. | |25| T || lies @ @ dreaming | | |26| F || @ cold @ @ @ | * * * * * | |27| S || morely @ + @ | | |28| G || @ now @ the | | |29| M || @ :o: kat Ω @ | This is my plan,--to beleave | |30| T || huggeth the @ @ | all things that i hear, but to put | |31| W || --Φ-- @ stove | mi faith, and munny, in but few. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_SUM ABRUPT LETTERS._

_Dear Bob._--The most disgusting kritter to me, in the whole ov the United States ov Amerika, iz an overgrown boy, ov about fifteen summers, who haz bekum the terror ov the whole family, and spends hiz spare time hammering the cow, and stirring up the pig, and chickens. If the father, or father-in-law, ov one ov these youths, will lend him to me, if i dont civilize him, or kill him in ninety days, i will agree to forfit 50 dollars, and the cloth for a new alpacka dress.

P. S.--Send on the boy at once, at mi expense, i am just now out ov a job.--J. B.

* * * * *

_Dear Steve._--It iz hard work to be in luv and not akt phoolish, but luv iz the only thing i kno ov that makes pholly excusable. Luv haz made sum kind ov a phool ov every man it haz attacked since the days ov Adam, and it made the biggest kind ov a phool ov him. Wisdum, and ambishun iz no protekshun aginst the disseaze, for Soloman evaporated before it like the dew before the morning sun, and even good old David wilted like the hewn grass.

* * * * *

_Dear Hank._--When yu strike ile pull out yure auger at onst, and begin to barrell the ile, menny a man haz kept on untill he bored klean thru and sum other phellow kaught the grease at the bottom.

_BULBS._

Ministers often point out to us, poor sinners, the strate, and narrow gauge, az the only way to git to heaven, while they hav got a private turnpike ov their own that 2.40 kan be made on.

* * * * *

Waiting to be whipt iz the most uninteresting period in boyhood life.

28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1877.

Q.--What iz the smartest thing that a man kan do? @ @ @

A.--To drink pepper sass. @ @ @ @

_An ugly lump is the Tarrier Bull, For fighting allwuss reddy, With Mike O'Rowke he travels, And his name iz one eyed Teddy._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _VAGRANTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || The kold @!@ | Life aint mutch more than a | | 2| F || chatters @@ Bill | farce enny how, but it iz quite | | 3| S || Comstock deceased | necessary that the play should | | 4| G || !! 1746 @ sighn ov | go on, and the farce be well | | 5| M || snow @ Bill @ | ackted. | | 6| T || Comstock died ov | | | 7| W || ¶ § a broken heart | * * * * * | | 8| T || more koldful () @ | | | 9| F || @ Bill Comstock @ | The man whoze ambishun iz | |10| S || tried to lift a @ @ | simply to liv, iz of no more | |11| G || ton * kolder * but | importanse in this world, than an | |12| M || | extra rat iz. | |13| T || couldn't @ @ snow | | |14| W || @ falls @ sun in | * * * * * | |15| T || apogee @ bitter § | | |16| F || kold @ rats are | If Adam and Eve had remained | |17| S || skarse @ it storms | in the garden ov Eden untill to | |18| G || C-h-r-i-s-t-o-p-h-e-r | day, they would hav simply been | |19| M || Columbus @ @ @ | two fat, overgrown babys. | |20| T || @ diskovered @ | | |21| W || Amerika @ koldness | * * * * * | |22| T || waxes :@: now @ | | |23| F || @ @ the + @ | The gratest cumfort i hav seen | |24| S || bull frog @ holds | in marrid life waz whare one ov | |25| G || [@] hiz tung * @ | the partys wanted everything | |26| M || snow rages @ Sam | their own way, and the other | |27| T || :@: Patch died @@@ | party waz willing they should | |28| W || poor * 1837 * @ | hav it. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE ALLIGATOR._

The alligator iz an original kritter, a chip of the old block, and az ugly to kontemplate az a congo darkey. They are residents ov Florida, and gro 12 feet, and nine inches and then halt. Their teeth are all tushes, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a buzz saw iz. Their eys are sot up, and down, in their hed like a chinamans, and they hav an appetight equal to 18 distrikt skool masters. They are the krokerdiles ov Amerika, and lay eggs az eazy az a hen duz, but dont kackle when they cum oph from the nest. They are grate cowards but aint afrade ov yung pork, or little darkeys, and kan eat all the time, or go without eating, az long az a gold fish kan. The alligator waz made for sum usefull purpose, but like the muskeeter, the bedbugg, and the kokroach, their usefullness haz been karephully hid from us. Yu kan shoot a hundred alligators a day on the St. Johns river, but you kant bag one, and thare aint enny more game in them, than thare iz in a rotten log. They are long lived, and liv, if mi memory serves me right, 4 thousand years, and their grate strength lays in their tails. They hiss when they are angry like a tea kittle, and want az mutch room to turn round in az a fore and aft skooner.

_DEW DROPS_

I hav known whiskey to make a man generous, but when he got sober agin, he would git square with himself, bi being meaner than ever.

* * * * *

The man who iz rekless ov hiz life holds it at just about its market value.

31 Days. MARCH. 1877.

Q.--What are the 2 luxurys ov life? @ @ @

A.--Eazy boots, and a snug conshience. @ @ @

_Darwin sez, we hail from the munky, And Darwin knows all about this thing, But while i respekt mi poor relashuns, From whitch, pray tell me, did the munky spring._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _NUTMEGS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || It blows @ @ | | | 2| F || (@) Robert Burns | Enny man kan beat me out | | 3| S || @ wrote poetry @ | ov mi munny, and mi opinyuns, | | 4| G || more wind !! @ | eazy enuff, but no man kan beat | | 5| M || * Fulton was * a | me out ov mi faith. | | 6| T || @ steambote @ | | | 7| W || @ @ Capting | | | 8| T || @ wind travels @ | * * * * * | | 9| F || around loose @ | | |10| S || | | |11| G || @ | now set hens | One ov the most unhappy | |12| M || @ kold and raw @ | kritters in this world iz a | |13| T || kongress sits ! more | neglekted pet, they are wuss off | |14| W || @ windy @ Bob | than a vagrant. | |15| T || Fletcher @ loved | | |16| F || not @ wisely * but | * * * * * | |17| S || too well @ Bob | | |18| G || @ Fletcher loved | | |19| M || whiskey @ wind @ | The middle course iz the best, | |20| T || Easty @ Bonaparte | even a moderate deakon iz better | |21| W || @ was a ~ @ | than a red hot one. | |22| T || @ Frenchman @ | | |23| F || ¶ @ rain @ with | | |24| S || @ w-i-n-d @ | * * * * * | |25| G || @ buty @@ iz | | |26| M || short lived @ @ | | |27| T || @ it blows @ @ | Yung man, dont ask enny | |28| W || @ @ @ @ now | favours, it iz better to hav the | |29| T || @ twitch teeth ß | world owe yu 10 dollars, and | |30| F || more @ @ @ | finally git cheated out ov it, | |31| S || @ @ @ wind @ | than to owe them one. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE LOAFER._

The loafer iz a thing who iz willing to be dispized for the privilege ov abusing others. He occupys all grades in sosiety from the judge on the bench clear down to the ragged kritter who leans aginst the lamp posts, and fites flies in August. He haz no pride that iz worthy, and no delikasy that enny boddy kan hurt. During his boyhood he kills kats, and robs all the hens nests in the naborhood. During hiz middle life he begs all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whiskey he kan at sumboddy else's expense. During hiz old age he winters in the alms houses, and summers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he cums to die, he iz buried in a dich, like an omnibuss horse, with hiz old shuze on. The loafer cares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make enny man a loafer. The loafer rather covets disgrase, and when a man gits az low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git in this world without digging. We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust loafer, and probably shant hav ov the last one, but in mi opinyun, they hav existed just about az long az man haz. If Cain want a loafer, pray what waz he?

_TIT BITS._

Woman hav allwuss been more than a match for man, Adam held the best kards, but he didn't kno how to play them well.

* * * * *

Thare iz one trait ov the human karakter that the devil himself must envy, and that iz, the more we hav injured a man, the more we dispize him.

30 Days. APRIL. 1877.

Q.--Who fust struk ile? @ @ @

A.--Jonah @ @ @

_Long, lank, lean, and lemon colored. An orphan, without friends, or place, A target for every ones brik bat. The yaller dog runs a dusty race._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _BIRDLINGS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ Pensive showers | One of the most diskourageing | | 2| M || @ April Phool @ | features ov modern civilizashun, | | 3| T || begot 896 @ @ | iz the average kuntry hotel. | | 4| W || @ @ more wetness | | | 5| T || @ Babes in the @ | | | 6| F || woods @ @ @ lost | * * * * * | | 7| S || 1122 @ wind @ | | | 8| G || @ south @ now the | | | 9| M || @ @ frogs squeal | Mankind luv to be cheated, | |10| T || @ sum more @ @ | but they want to hav it dun bi | |11| W || @ wetness @ now @ | an artist | |12| T ||@ investigate @ for | | |13| F || hens eggs @ a @ | | |14| S ||@ @ kloudless day @ | * * * * * | |15| G || Peter Bacon died | | |16| M || 1492 @ @ cool but | | |17| T ||@ pretty @ Peter @ | The most kritikal people to | |18| W || @ @ Bacon had no | suit, are thoze who board at the | |19| T || mother @ in law | alms houses. | |20| F ||wind veers northy @ | | |21| S ||@ @ now the gentle | | |22| G || @ kokroach @ @ | * * * * * | |23| M || cometh @ sum more | | |24| T || @ wet @ Amos @ | | |25| W || @ @ Bostwick born | Thare may be sutch a thing az | |26| T || @ 1827 @ hard @ | a man who haz stole once, and | |27| F || showers @ Amos @ | then quit, but i hav not the | |28| S ||Bostwick @ had but | honor ov hiz acquaintanse. | |29| G || @ @ @ one eye @ | | |30| M || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_ARTIKLES OV FAITH._

Heaven bless the stummuk ake, if it want for this, menny ov us deakons wouldn't hav no good excuse for hot rum.

* * * * *

The saddest ov all sights sad in this world, iz a child with a broken spirit.

* * * * *

Man kant make cirkumstanses, but he kan take them bi the horns, insted ov the tale.

* * * * *

Dont parade yure sorrows before the world, but bury them az the dogs do their old bones, and then growl if enny boddy offers to dig them up.

* * * * *

Klubs are a place whare most people go to git rid ov themselfs.

* * * * *

A trained child to me iz a kind ov horror, i like to see them rekless with innosense.

* * * * *

The boy who iz pikt out to be the genius ov the family is allwuss sure to be the biggest dohed in the whole lot.

The only way to tire a phool out, iz to listen to him, and agree to every thing he sez =

Affekshionately Josh Billings

I hav seen men load a dubble barrell gun klear up to the muzzell, to kill a chipping bird with, and git knokt hed over heels, when. the gun went off.--and miss the bird besides.=

A literal fakt, Josh Billings

31 Days. MAY. 1877.

Q.--What kind ov a pen do plagarists use? @:~:

A.--A steal pen. @ @ @ @

_Thou mewel!--thou art mi horror,-- Desaitfull, and dang'rous kritter,-- Az humbly az satan himself, And besides a pizon hitter._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _SHADDOWS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || Butiful @ May @ | After a man has reached the | | 2| W || @ now the @ tud | hight ov hiz ambishun the fust | | 3| T || murmers @ @ soft | thing he duz, iz to be disgusted | | 4| F || showers ( @ ) Kate | with it. | | 5| S ||Sturgiss admitted * | | | 6| G || 1842 @ @ Kate | | | 7| M || Stuigis @ was a @ | * * * * * | | 8| T || doktriss @ more * | | | 9| W || hazy @ now prepare | | |10| T ||@ @ for arly lettiss | It aint safe to endorse ennybody, | |11| F || @ rain @ munny iz | we kant even tell ourselfs | |12| S || tite @ brite and @ | what kind ov a man we shall | |13| G || * klear @ Solaman | be on the 25th day of next | |14| M || @ @ had wisdum | june. | |15| T || klearing weather @ | | |16| W || now probe * for @ | | |17| T || @ @ hoss radish | * * * * * | |18| F || @ sum more @ @ | | |19| S || @ @ @ rainness @ | | |20| G || @ Jabez Tucker | I prefer the gravity ov the | |21| M || @ obituated @ @ | owl to the loquacity ov the | |22| T || 1776 @ @ @ a @ | magpie, it iz better to look | |23| W || @ @ @ sweet day | wize, than to talk phoolish. | |24| T || Jabez fit @ @ @ | | |25| F || @ and died @ | | |26| S || @ ~ into the @ | * * * * * | |27| G || revolushun @ @ | | |28| M || @ @ @ more rain | | |29| T || now insert @ @ | The cheapest and best way to | |30| W || @ onion seed -@- | convince a phool, is to agree | |31| T || | with him. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_SHORT REPLYS._

_Dear Luke._--I kant bear to see enny man strike a dog, i kno dogs are full ov fleas, but i kno they are full ov affeckshun too. I am very sad when i think that affeckshun iz no protekshun to man, nor kritter in this kold, and ironklad world. It would seem that a lamb ought to git along thru life more fluently than a hornet duz, but they duzzent, and i also notiss that the most suckcessful hornets are thoze who are bilt with a stinger on both ends ov them. I love the lambs, but respekt the hornets.

* * * * *