Part 16

Ever since Adam waz ordered to root, or perish, thare haz been an endless lot ov labor saving masheens, invented, az plenty, and menny ov them az useless, az tudstools in an old meadow. Theze invenshuns are generally pattented, and to be a good pattent rite vender, and sell a man an injun rubber litening rod, who haz allreddy got two, requires more genius, than to be consul to the Azore Islands. I have seen theze litening rod fellows sell a man a rod who wouldn't hav one at enny price, and after they had got hiz house all covered over with one, and got the munny for it, git one onto hiz barn, and pig pen, and git hiz note for them, with his nabors endorsement, for 9 months, with 7 per cent interest from date. I should be a mizerable hand to sell a pattent rite miself, but just the rite kind ov a man to buy one. It iz a grate wonder that I dont own a dozen now, that would be az useless to enny boddy az a pair ov pattent crutches would be to a lame grasshopper. I hav got a grate deal ov pattent rite kuriosity in my compound, and am allways hanging around things that hav got a little mistery in them, but i suppoze i hav got a grate deal ov caushun too. But now I think ov it, kuriosity, and caushun, well mixt, are a hard thing to sell a pattent rite to.

_ESPOUSE._

The fust 3 notes i endorsed i had to pay, and i hope it will be jiss so with the next 3.

* * * * *

It aint no kredit for enny man, to work for nothing, and board himself.

31 Days. JULY. 1876.

Q.--What are sassages? @ @ @

A.--Doggerels. @ @ @

_Our pashunt now took to reading, He studdid the liver ov man, Untill he knu what ailed him, A heap less, than when he began._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _RIGHT BOWERS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || Big-hotness @ @ | | | 2| G || @ @ Paul waz an | Luv is the strongest pashun ov | | 3| M || apostle @ @ @ | a woman's harte, she has got to | | 4| T || @ sighns @ ov @ | luv sumthing, either a baby, a | | 5| W || @ @ thunder @ | nu bonnet, a lap dog, or the | | 6| T || now destroy grass | heathen. | | 7| F || @ Sam Perkins @ | | | 8| S || died @ 1836 | * * * * * | | 9| G || very mutch hot @ | | |10| M || @ @ Sam Perkins | | |11| T || @ waz @ a @ pharo @ | I am allwuss more than haff | |12| W || -][- dealer :--: | afraid ov the man, who kant talk | |13| T || | 5 minnitts with me, on enny subjekt,| |14| F || @ @ heat hottens | without expressing grate | |15| S || @ ¶ @ @ | anxiety about my soul. | |16| G || snakes ~ hav cum | | |17| M || @ @ it rains @ @ | * * * * * | |18| T || Ward Beecher | | |19| W || @ iz a preecher @ | | |20| T || @ @ expekt @ | Go slo yung man, if yu tap | |21| F || thunder @ @ @ | both ends ov yure cider barrell | |22| S || @ ~ @ musketore | at once, and draw out ov the | |23| G || @ perforate @ @ | bung hole besides; yure cider | |24| M || hotly @ ¶ cheuing | aint a going to hold out long. | |25| T || gum @ diskovered | | |26| W || @ @ 1596 @ @ | | |27| T || Adam waz our @ | * * * * * | |28| F || @ @ @ beginning | | |29| S || @ mutch § hot @ | Eat hash washing days, and be | |30| G || 3 cheers ß @ @ | thankfull for it, even if yu hav | |31| M || @ @ @ for Adam | to shut both eyes to do it. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE PEACH._

Peaches and kream will convert enny man who iz worth saving. The peach haz a doun on them, like the doun on a maiden's cheek, but it aint haff so plezant to git onto the lips. Peach brandy iz made out ov the peach, this licker haz been called mellow, but like all other licker that i hav tried, it will lay out a saint, just az flatt az it will a sinner. The fakt ov it iz, thare aint no kind ov ardent rum, i dont kare how artless, and gentle the name ov it iz, or how ritch, and mello yu may call it, but what will throw him who wrassells with it, be he phool, or be he philospher. Thare iz only one piece ov humanity that kan stand ardent speerits, and he iz an injun, and he kant stand it, only just long enuff to git civilized. When peach brandy is fust made it iz az hot az a streak ov litening, and just about az sudden. I once drank a tea spoon full ov it warm from the still, and it waz 20 minnitts be fore i could draw a long breath. I waz az hot inside az a chimney on fire. I thought it would brake out and blaze sum whare, but it didn't happen to.

_DIGEST._

I konsider all profeshions that are honest, honorabell enuff, but i hav thought, that a travelling korn doktor, waz the last one i should adopt, just for the sake ov glory.

* * * * *

Thare iz one thing about a mule that i allwuss did like, the minnitt that you begin to flatter them, then they begin to kik.

31 Days. AUGUST. 1876.

Q.--Define dispepshy. @ @ @

A.--Nightmare ov the stummuk.

_John bought next a kord of hard wood, And sawed like a man on a bet, It bent him dubble,--if it hadn't,-- John would have sawed at it yet._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _QUEEN BEES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || Mutch warm @ @ | He who aims at perfekshun | | 2| W || @ now consume | will probably miss the mark, but | | 3| T || @ juleps @ @ @ | he who aims at nothing, iz sure | | 4| F || thunder showers | to hit it every time. | | 5| S || Pete Larkins @ | | | 6| G || @ absconds 1741 | * * * * * | | 7| M || @ .: @ @ | | | 8| T || @ immense heat @ | | | 9| W || now @ @ @ @ | The man who haz been waiting | |10| T || [ ¶ ] : : pik geese | for the last 15 years, for sumthing | |11| F || @ more hotter @ | to turn up, iz to work on the | |12| S || Eve waz our (!) | same job yet. | |13| G || @ @ fust mother | | |14| M || @ less @ hot @ | | |15| T || fleas are here @ @ | * * * * | |16| W || @ @ @ big rain | | |17| T || pills diskovered 436 | I had a grate deal rather be | |18| F || @ hot @ seems @ | told that a man is virteuous, and | |19| S || | morely | | honest, than to hear that hiz | |20| G || now snatch @ @ | father is a member ov congress, | |21| M || @ @ @ doun oats | or even that hiz grandfather, fit | |22| T || thunder @ @ and | into the revolushun. | |23| W || @ @ @ litening @ | | |24| T || Ben Franklin @ @ | | |25| F || @ @ @ waz a @ | * * * * * | |26| S || S¡p¡e¡n¡d¡t¡h¡r¡i¡f¡t | | |27| G || expekt @ flies | Men sumtimes hav doubts about | |28| M || Judas Iskariott @ | their religion, and even honesty, | |29| T || @ waz a @ @ @ | but i never met one who doubted | |30| W || @ @ @ failure | his shrewdness. | |31| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE BUMBLE BEE._

The bumble bee iz a kind ov big fly who goes muttering, and swareing around the lots, during the summer, looking after little boys to sting them, and stealing hunny out ov the dandylions, and thissells. He iz mad all the time about sumthing, and dont seem to kare a kuss what people think ov him. A skool boy will studdy harder enny time to find a bumble bees nest than he will to git hiz lesson in arithmetik, and when he haz found it, and got the hunny out ov it, and got badly stung into the bargin, he finds thare aint mutch margin in it. Next to poor mollassis, bumble bee hunny iz the poorest kind ov sweetmeats in market. Bumble bees hav allwuss been in fashion, and probably allwuss will be, but whare the fun, or proffit lays in them, i never could cypher out. The proffit dont seem to be in the hunny, nor in the bumble bee neither. They bild their nest in the ground, or enny whare else they take a noshun too, and aint afrade to fite a whole distrikt skool, if they meddle with them. I dont blame the bumble bee, nor enny other fellow, for defending hiz sugar, it iz the fust, and last Law ov natur, and i hope the law wont never run out. The smartest thing about the bumble bee iz their stinger.

_DISCUSS._

Mice very seldum cum out ov a hole that iz clussly watched.

* * * * *

I fully beleave in ghosts, but I never herd yet ov two persons seeing the same ghost, at the same time.

30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1876.

Q.--Define thunder. @ @ @

A.--Lightning on a bust. @ @ @

_John's minister called on him now, His case exciting alarm, The good man sed,_ "John is all right," _Only go to work on a farm._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _UPPER KRUSTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ Mildly @ @ | The gratest bores in the world | | 2| S || now @ @ crickets | are those who are eternally trieing | | 3| G || simmer @ soft @ @ | to prove to yu that 2, and 2, | | 4| M || @ Fred Johnsing | allwuss makes 4. | | 5| T || deceased @ @ @ | | | 6| W || @ @ wind east | | | 7| T || Johnsing waz @ @ | * * * * * | | 8| F || @ a barber @ | | | 9| S || now lift @ @ | | |10| G || onions @ warm | One ov the simplest ways to | |11| M || @ @ rane @ @ | try menny men's faith iz, to ask | |12| T || Chapin @ iz @ a | them to subskribe for fixing up | |13| W || p*r*e*a*c*h*e*r | the meeting house. | |14| T || @ : mild : @ | | |15| F || @ September @ | | |16| S || now the cuckoo | * * * * * | |17| G || @ @ @ hollers | | |18| M || expekt showers @ | | |19| T || @ @ Sim Darling | Free luv is the science ov luveing | |20| W || born 1492 * ~ @ | sumboddy else's wife more | |21| T || @ @ @ "si quod | than yu do yure own, and trieing | |22| F || infantum" @ @ | to preserve a good average,--it | |23| S || @ much pleasant | kant be did. | |24| G || now the lamb @ | | |25| M || @ @ bleats @ @ | * * * * * | |26| T || @ sweet @ weather | | |27| W || giv us your hand | | |28| T || @ stranger @ | Stealing is the oldest sin on | |29| F || @ @ for 90 days | rekord,--stealing apples. | |30| S || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE YELLO JACKET._

The yello jacket iz ov the wasp purswashun, and iz about one size smaller than the common blak hornet, and iz az mutch hotter, in hiz coolest moments, than enny other bug, az jersey litening iz hotter than ice kream. They are the most krewel fighters in existence, and will hit a man, or beast, four times in a seckond, in the same spot. They are az yello az gold, and when they are good mad, they blaze like a kandle. When a yello jacket gits mad all the way through, he will fite a brush heap on fire, just az quick az he will a mile stun. I hav seen them pitch on to each other, and having killed their man, close up the fite by stinging themselfs to death. Dont go near a yellow jacket's nest in the month of August, unless yure life iz insured, not even a hard shell Baptist, or a missionary, would be safe in that naborhood. They kant tell a friend from a foe, and I think would sting a potash kittle, a dozen times, and not mistrust it waz iron. They make homes for themselfs out in the lots amungst the ploughed ground, and i hav seen them bile out ov their nests like a distrikt skool let out for noon, or a smothered fire, and pitching into the oxen, farmer, and plough, drive the whole party, on the jump, off from the premises.

_EMBRACE._

Most men are like vinegar, the older they gro, the sourer they git.

* * * * *

Lazy men, and black ants, are allwuss hunting for a job.

Thare iz no phun in gitting kikt bi a mule, but thare iz lots ov phun in knowing that he kant do it agin.=

How is this, Josh Billings

Falling in luv, iz like falling down stairs.--we never kan tell exackly how the thing waz did.=

In haste, Josh Billings

31 Days. OCTOBER. 1876.

Q.--Deskribe old maids. @ @ @

A.--Embers from which the sparks hav fled.

_Our hero soon found out a place, With a farmer, kind hearted indeed, Who let him ho corn for nothing, And only charged John for his feed._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _MORNING STARS._* | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ @ @ Jack | Seckond luv, iz like a seckond | | 2| M || Frosty @ @ @ | case ov the measles, the pashunt | | 3| T || @ now @ hunt @ | iz sure to allwuss hav it light. | | 4| W || butternuts @ @@ | | | 5| T || @ cool but wet @ | | | 6| F || John Bunyan @ | * * * * * | | 7| S || @ @ waz a pilgrim | | | 8| G || @ more cool @ | | | 9| M || now trap @ @ | Yu kant hire a man to be honest, | |10| T || @ @ for rats @ | if yer do, he will want his | |11| W || @ wind northy @ | wages raised every morning. | |12| T || apple sass@ @ @ | | |13| F || @ @ invented 986 | | |14| S || wet but cool @ @ | * * * * * | |15| G || @ @ @ now jerk | | |16| M || turnips @ @ @ | | |17| T || @ @ more @ | Thare iz a grate deal ov religion | |18| W || moistly @ @ @ | in this world that iz like a life | |19| T || sun in @ apogee | preserver, only put on at the | |20| F || @ frosty now @ | moment ov extreme danger, and | |21| S || @ destroy @ early @ | then half the time put on hind | |22| G || @ pork @ | side before. | |23| M || sum snow @ @ | | |24| T || @ @ Dan Barker | | |25| W || kikt the bucket @ | * * * * * | |26| T || @ 1691 @ @ | | |27| F || koldy @ now | | |28| S || smash @ wood @ | Most people are like an egg, | |29| G || muskeeters skarse* | too full of themselves to hold | |30| M || | enny more. | |31| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE YANKEE PEDLAR._

Probably the sharpest man that the world haz been blest with thus far iz the natral born Yankee pedlar. He takes to the bizzness just az handy az a yung duk takes to the water, who haz been hatched out by mistake amung a lot ov hen's eggs. He kan see just whare the proffit lies in a dicker, and aint afrade to invest hiz whole pile, at a minnitt's notiss, in an assorted lot ov goose yokes. He begins life yung, and like the bizzy ant, gits up arly, and eats on the run. Az long az he keeps honest he iz sure to sukceed, but sumtimes hiz genius iz too mutch for hiz integrity, and every boddy gits to be az frade ov him, az they are ov a hornet. The hornet iz the smartest bug in kreashun, but haint got no friends. The world luvs to be cheated, but they want to hav it dun bi an honest man, and not bi a hornet, and then they never seem to git tired ov it. I hav seen Yankee pedlars who allwus cheated every boddy they traded with, but they allwuss did it so honest, and square, that every boddy seemed to be happy when their turn cum. But the old fashioned Yankee pedlar, with his little red painted kart, and bobtail pony, like the letterings on the mile stuns, iz fast fading away.

_SEIZE._

Stik and hang yung man, it iz the last six inches in a race that allwuss wins the munny.

* * * * *

If yu want to find out just how mean, and dishonest, yu hav allwuss been, git a nominashun, and run for sum offiss.

30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1876.

Q.--What are oaths? @ @ @

A.--Sin in italicks. @ @ @

_John read in a hand bill somewhare, That salt water was shure to save him, So he went forthwith to Long Branch, And hired a man to bathe him._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _EARLY BIRDS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || Kold but sour @ | | | 2| T || @ @ now worry | Thoze who are too proud to | | 3| F || the fires @ @ @ | enquire what a thing kosts when | | 4| S || sno | 9| foot @ | they buy it, are the fust ones to | | 5| G || @ @ @ deep | find fault when they cum to pay | | 6| M || Zeke @ Rathbun | for it. | | 7| T || failed 1862 @ @ | | | 8| W || kold @ @ grows | | | 9| T || @ Zeke waz in @ | * * * * * | |10| F || @ @ @ @ | | |11| S || the pea nut @ @ | | |12| G || @ ~ @ profeshun | | |13| M || | Kards, whiskey, and hoss raceing, | |14| T || grate kold @ @ | bring all men down to the | |15| W || @ @ now @ @ | same level. | |16| T || mastikate @ @ @ | | |17| F || @ @ @ | | |18| S || @ ham and egg | * * * * * | |19| G || kolder :: @ @ | | |20| M || @ avoid @ tite @ | | |21| T || @ boots @ | If a man writes for fame, the | |22| W || sno inkreases @ @ | less he writes, the better. | |23| T || @ @ Satan iz @ | | |24| F || @ @ @ | | |25| S || a @ mean @ kuss | * * * * * | |26| G || it ~ thaws | | |27| M || mutch kold @ ß | | |28| T || @ @ hitch up to | When a man meazzures out | |29| W || the fire @ @ @ | glory for himself, he allwuss heaps | |30| T || ¶ @ @ ¶ | the haff bushel. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE KUNTRY HOSS JOCKEY._

For a red hot speciality, yu hav got to hunt kreashun cluss, to find an equal, to the kuntry hoss jockey. He iz allwuss a man ov plezant temperament, vain ov hiz opinyuns, often ov more fancy than judgement, and quik to decide. He haz but little real affecksun for a hoss, and only luvs him, for the cheat that iz in him. He iz allwuss reddy to trade for enny thing, from a yerling kolt, to the kavalry hoss that Gen Butler rode, at the battle ov Brandywine. He never knows when he gits cheated, and ever thinks, that the last nag he got, iz the best one he ever owned. He iz not bothered with too mutch conscience, and would az soon lay out a travelling preacher in a swop, az hiz own father-in-law, and do it without enny malice, but just for the honor ov the profeshun. I dont kno whi it iz, that a man kan trade cows and be pious, or swop oxen, and be a good deakon, or even negoshiate dogs, and be lookt upon favourably, but when he goes into the hoss trading enterprize, if he kant cheat, he haz mistaken hiz calling, and aint happy. The hoss jockey iz sumtimes honest from policy, and the man who iz simply honest from policy, needs az mutch watching az a hive ov bees do, who are just gitting reddy to swarm.

_DISKOUNT._

If yu want to find out the utter weakness ov munny, just try to hire a dubble tooth to stop akeing.

* * * * *

A boy will learn to sware well, in just haff the time it takes to learn the 10 commands.

31 Days. DECEMBER. 1876.

Q.--What iz a fiddle? @ @ @

A.--A ticklish thing. @ @ @

_John kept growing wusser and wuss, Thinner, and thinner each day, At last he waz nothing but mist, And an East wind blu him away._