Part 15

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _STROKE OARS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ Mutch kold @ | | | 2| G || mares nest @ | Pashunce iz a good thing for a | | 3| M || diskovered 1810 § | man to hav, but when he haz got | | 4| T || @ now keep cool @ | so mutch ov it, that he kan fish | | 5| W || @ @ Ben Butler | all day, over the side of a boat, | | 6| T || iz a lawyer @ @ | without enny bait on hiz hook, | | 7| F || @ less koldly @ | lazyness iz what's the matter ov | | 8| S || sarch *** for Ω | him. | | 9| G || @ ice @ expekt | | |10| M || @ sum @ @ | | |11| T || inkrease Ω Σ ov | * * * * * | |12| W || | | |13| T || @ weather § * § | Pills will sumtimes refuze to | |14| F || Flora Temple @ | akt on the liver, but sawing wood | |15| S || ¶ × could + | never will. | |16| G || trot fast @ § @ | | |17| M || @ more koldfull ! | | |18| T || Job Perkins @ @ | * * * * * | |19| W || @ * kreated * @ | | |20| T || @ @ 1264 × (@) | When i waz 20 i knew twice az | |21| F || kold rather @ ¶ | mutch az i do now, and the way | |22| S || @ @ waxes | things are going on, if i should | |23| G || @ @ Job @ @ | liv to be 75, i dont expekt to kno | |24| M || Perkins @ @ Ψ | nothing. | |25| T || @ @ @ loved @ | | |26| W || onions @ ¶ | | |27| T || @!! now is the !!@ | * * * * * | |28| F || winter ov @ Σ | | |29| S || @ @ our diskontent | Thare iz no radikal kure for | |30| G || @ @ examine *|* | lazyness, but starvashun will cum | |31| M || @ + yure geese | the nearest to it. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE VEGATABEL BITTERS MAN._

Whenever a man gits ded broke, and kant think ov nothing to raze a breeze with, and hiz uncle wont hav him boarding at hiz house enny more, and the heels ov hiz boots hav knawed the bottom ov his pantaloons all off, he takes rubarb root, and a fu katnip blossoms, and sum tan bark, and sokes them for 14 hours in sum cheap whiskey, and goes hedlong into the liver renovating bizzness. He plasters every fence, saw mill log, stun wall, and cow's back, from Portland Maine to Stockton Californy, with red, and yello hand bills, offering to heal the halt, make the blind talk, and the deaf see, and renew the inside, and outside, ov all kreashun, for a dollar and twenty five cents a bottle. He takes rooms at sum fust klass hotel, drives 8 in hand, and never iz seen, only on the jump. He iz az full ov bizzness az a deputy superintendant ov a Sunday skool, on a piknik day, and call on him when yu will, to kollekt yure little bill ov 7 dollars, he haz just left for Baltimore, or wont be home from Nu Orleans, untill week after next. Theze men are not all ov them unskrupulous, they are kunning kritters, who hav found out, that mankind to be happy, must be cheated.

_PAUZE._

It iz the prudes in this world that need the most watching, coquets are too kareless to be dangerous.

* * * * *

Most men are like a hop vine, if they dont hav sum kind ov a pole to klimb, and then stik to it, they wont promulgate mutch hops.

29 Days. FEBRUARY. 1876.

Q.--Please define old bachelors. @ @ @ @

A.--Pickled Krabs. @ @ @

_Sum friend told John to travel, Twelve miles on the jump each day, Before he et enny brekfasst, And not loiter upon the way._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _FIGGER HEDS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || Dern kold @ the | | | 2| W || kockroach haz no | Kats are very humble, espeshily | | 3| T || sting @ prepare | just after they hav committed | | 4| F || for more @@@ | sum nu kind ov deviltry. | | 5| S || @ @ weather | | | 6| G || Bonaparte fit @--@ | * * * * * | | 7| M || § for a living :@: | | | 8| T || sighns * ov * wind | The man who iz allwuss trieing | | 9| W || now sing sams | to kreate a sensashun, will git so | |10| T || Jake @@ Turner | pretty soon, that he kant kreate | |11| F || departed @ 1830 | even a disturbance. | |12| S || | | |13| G || Ω ω snowy @@@ | | |14| M || Jake Turner Ψ Σ | * * * * * | |15| T || !-?-! waz a @@ | | |16| W || c-o-n-s-t-a-b-l-e | If yu want to git a fust klass | |17| T || @it duz § snow@ | situashun in sum alms house, | |18| F || @ @ now | giv all yure property to yure | |19| S || slay hogs :(): | children before yu die. | |20| G || @ [] for pork | | |21| M || lessly --!!-- cold | | |22| T || Washington @ | * * * * * | |23| W || @ [::] could §@@§ | | |24| T || @ not lie @ wind | | |25| F || more fluktuous | Thare's lots ov men in this | |26| S || expekt visitors @ | world that are like a rooster, | |27| G || @ snow-squally | take the cockade, and spurs off | |28| M || now munch @@@ | from them, and yu couldn't hardly | |29| T || @ Ω @ slapjax | tell them from a hen. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE KROW._

I hav written sevral very poplar obituary notisses ov the krow, but find that i hav stated a good deal about them that wazn't jist so, and left unsed mutch that waz true. The krow iz az cunning az a Tombs lawyer, and just about az mutch ov a ded beat. Yu kant ketch one in a trap, and if you should, yu could not bile one in a pot, soft enuff to eat, in 3 weeks. A tame krow, and a civilized injun, may be a moral triumph on the face ov it, but when yu cum to examine the other side ov it, yu will find that yu hav overdid the bizzness. If all the krows, and injuns, in this world were tame and, civilized, yu could bid fairwell to all other manuel, and mental labor, and spend all yure time, and talents, studying the pesky, infernal kritters. Krows assemble in the fall ov the year, 30 thousand ov them, or more, in council, and appoint their deakons for the following year. At this grate kawkuss, rezolushuns ov a inflamitory natur are passed, daming the farmers for putting up skare krows in the kornfields, plans are laid for next years stealings, and each krow swopping wives, the meeting disseminates, and the krows fli away.

_HOLD!_

Dont keep but one dog, no one but a pauper kan afford to keep three.

* * * * *

If yu are going to make amuzements a stiddy bizzness, ketching flies iz az good az enny.

31 Days. MARCH. 1876.

Q.--What are bording-houses? @ @

A.--Asylums for cockroaches. @ @ @

_John heard next that dieting, Waz the only thing 'twould kure him,---- Liv on a jill of soup a day, And they offered to insure him._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _FRONT TEETH._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || Windy @ winds @ | | | 2| T || @ Congress gits | Wize men sumtimes bild air | | 3| F || together @ [ @ | kastles just for the fun ov the | | 4| S || now ß look out | thing, it iz only the phools who | | 5| G || @ @ for wind | bild them, and then undertake to | | 6| M || watch hens @ @ | liv in them. | | 7| T || @ for eggs @ | | | 8| W || @ wind more @ so | | | 9| T || Frank Dutcher | * * * * * | |10| F || appeared 1742 @ | | |11| S || @ wind howls @ | I hav seen folks who waz violently | |12| G || | oppozed to gambling, simply | |13| M || @ @ Frank @ @ | bekauze they had found out | |14| T || D-u-t-c-h-e-r | that they couldn't win. | |15| W || @ @ waz @ @ a | | |16| T || failure @ ~ @ | | |17| F || wind @ shouts | * * * * * | |18| S || @ now ! ask @ | | |19| G || k!o!n!u!md!r!u!m!s | | |20| M || @ @ windy @ @ | I notiss one thing, when a man | |21| T || William @ Penn | stubs his toe he cussess all | |22| W || @ @ waz a @ @ | kreashun fust, then the toe, but | |23| T || quaker @ @ @ | never himself. | |24| F || @ wind @ | | |25| S || frackshus ¶ @ @ | | |26| G || @ now hunt | * * * * * | |27| M || weazels @ @ @ | | |28| T | | @ wind @ | | |29| W || more south :: | Dont change yure bait mi boy, | |30| T || @ @ @ than it | if yu are ketching fish with angle | |31| F || (w) (a) (z) @ @ | worms--stik to the worms. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE KROTON BUG._

The kroton bug are dirty blak kusses, without enny pedigree, and ov no more use than an extra fli in a plate ov soup. They hang around wet and damp places, and are all the time either going in, or comeing out, ov every krak in that naborhood. Thare iz no begining, nor end, to their number, and if yu bore a hole with a gimblet, enny whare near a plug basin, the next day the krotons will be az thick around it, az tho a nu 3 cent gin mill had just been opened thare. What they liv on no naturalist knows, or dassent tell, and yu kant git rid ov them, enny more than you kan skare the flies out ov a sugar hogshed, by hollering at them. They are allwuss on the move like a grasshopper, but what they are about, or would like to hav, they kant even tell them selfs. Thare iz a powder advertized which they say will klean the kroton bugs all out ov the house in 4 days. I am no gambler, but i will give the powder 7 days the start, and then bet on the bugs. Thare is only one sure way to git the krotons out ov a house, burn up the house and let a strong east wind blo the ashes away.

_DWELL._

The devil allwuss keeps the gide boards that lead to hiz dominions, fresh painted, and in good order.

* * * * *

I never knu a man yet who waz allwuss watching his helth, to die enny whare near az soon az he expekted to.

30 Days. APRIL. 1876.

Q.--Define a pig. @ @ @

A.--Pork in pantaletts. @ @ @

_For two years John lived on nothing, And walkt like a ghost on a raid, 'Till he lookt like the piktur abuv, Which kost us a "V" to hav made._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _HED LIGHTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ @ It rains @ @ | | | 2| G || bright @ and @ | Dont never trust a man at the | | 3| M || butiful @ let | rate ov 50 cents on a dollar,--if | | 4| T || @ @ her rain @ @ | yu kant konfide in him at par, | | 5| W || now stik in lettiss | let him slide. | | 6| T || @ sum @ @ more @ | | | 7| F || @ rain @ | | | 8| S || now @ the ß frog | * * * * * | | 9| G || @ squeals a wet @ | | |10| M || @ day @ @ @ | I dont kno which iz the biggest | |11| T || Joab ¶ @ Mitchell | phool, the man who kan spend | |12| W || @ died 1769 @ | two hours bragging about himself, | |13| T || mizzling wet @ @ | or the one who kan sit pashuntly | |14| F || @ @ @ Joab loved | and listen to him. | |15| S || old cider @ wind | | |16| G || southy @ @ about | | |17| M || now ~ @ @ @ | * * * * * | |18| T || | | |19| W || @ thrust in arly @ | It iz very diffikult for a man to | |20| T || peas @ @ @ moist | change his pollyticks, or hiz | |21| F || but @ wet @ @ @ | religion, without being suspekted | |22| S || ekonemy is welth | ov having very little ov either. | |23| G || @ @ it rains @ | | |24| M || Daniel Webster | | |25| T || @ @ knu law ß @ | * * * * * | |26| W || it @--@ drizzles | | |27| T || @ @ @ "vox @ @ @ | | |28| F || non est @ @ @ | The two bizzyest persons in | |29| S || con-fab-u-lus" § | this world about nothing, iz a | |30| G || @ :~. @ | country gossip, and a June bug. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE KUNTRY SKOOL MOM._

The kuntry skool mom iz allwuss about 23 years, and six months old, and remains rite thare for a term ov years. She wears her hair either kut short, or hanging around in ringlets, and iz az precise in every thing, az a pair ov Fairbanks' improved platform skales. She never laffs out loud, and seldum even smiles, but when she duz, she duz it ackording to the rules laid down by Murray, for speaking, and pronouncing, the English language propperly. She iz the very oil ov propriety, and would rather be four years behind the fashions in bonnetts, than to spell a word wrong, or parse a sentence inkorrektly. The kuntry skool mom seldum dies an old maid, she gits marrid to sum man who haz less larning than she haz, and he thinks (az he ought to) that thare aint another sutch a larnt woman az hiz wife iz, in all kreashun. With all her precise foolishness i luv, and respekt, the kuntry skool mom, she taut me mi letters, and larnt me how to spel, she waz pashunt while i waz stupid, she soothed me when i waz frackshus, and she often (good soul) giv me a titbit from her luncheon at noon time. May Heaven bless, and comfort her, for she iz poorly paid, and iz stepmother to every boddys yung ones.

_STOP._

A man will liv longer on onions, and abuse, than on enny other 2 things i kno ov.

* * * * *

Yung man, mark yure goose up hi, two thirds ov the world hav no other idea of value, only by the price that iz put onto things.

31 Days. MAY. 1876.

Q.--What iz honesty? @ @ @

A.--The wag ov a dogs tail. @ @ @

_Johnny then bought a hard trotter, And rode himself weak az a rag, Then sold him for 19 dollars, Just haff that he gave for the nag._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _WEATHER COCKS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ Hoss radish @ | | | 2| T || haz cum @ @ @ | Thare iz now and then a fool | | 3| W || wind south-east | so well bred that he is really | | 4| T || @ @ @ @ | quite endurable. | | 5| F || @@ grindstuns @@ | | | 6| S || diskovered @ 1714 | | | 7| G || @ @ wet showers | * * * * * | | 8| M || Ralph Goodo @ | | | 9| T || @ @ @ born 1109 | | |10| W || mild but plezant | Gossip that iz travelling around | |11| T || @ @ @ | loose iz a lie, or will be, bi the | |12| F || @ @ Ralph @ @ | time it haz changed hands once | |13| S || loved @ @ sassage | more. | |14| G || @ prepare @ | | |15| M || for nice @ @ @ | * * * * * | |16| T || @ weather @ | | |17| W || man waz @ @ @ @ | I wrote 5 years just for glory, | |18| T || kreated ¶ a @ little | and met with sum glory, but | |19| F || lower than the | when i asked for pay, every boddy | |20| S || @ angells @ and @ | found out at once, that i waz | |21| G || | a kussid phool. | |22| M || haz been @ @ @ | | |23| T || @ gitting @ | | |24| W || a @ little @ lower | | |25| T || @ ever since @ | * * * * * | |26| F || now @ @ insert | | |27| S || @ @ arly corn @ @ | | |28| G || @ @ Pharaoh fell @ | Thare iz lots ov pholks who if | |29| M || warm @ ~ @ @ | they should miss their morning | |30| T || @ @ @ @ into the | paper wouldn't kno mutch ov | |31| W || red see @ @ @ | ennything for that day | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE RED CURRANT_

Next to the apple, for every day wear, cums the red currant. They are allmost az necessary, and common, for sweetmeats, in all well regulated familys, az hash iz for brekfasst. They gro on a low bush, and they gro so thick, that yu couldn't stik another one on, without knocking off two. They are about the size ov a dubble B shot, and when they are ripe, are az red az the eye of a wild pigeon. They are az sour az the blood ov a lemon, but plenty ov sugar kures them ov this malady. Currants are good green, ripe, and haff ripe, and are cheaper than herring, and not haff so full of bones. Thare iz a grate menny things i had rather do, in a hot day, than pik currants but i hav dun it all day, when i waz a boy, and got a ninepence at night for the job. I am more than haff a century old now, but i kan look bak and see just how brite, and how big, one ov them ninepences used to be. A hundred dollars aint haff so mutch munny now, az they waz then. I wish ı waz a boy agin, and knu ov life what i kno now, ı would bind miself, if I could allwuss be a boy, to pik currants for a ninepence a day, az long az the currants held out.

_REFLEKT_

A jealous man iz allwuss anxious to beleave what he doubts the most.

* * * * *

Too grate a luv ov popularity makes a munky ov a man.

Next to a klear conshunce, for solid cumfort, cums an eazy boot.=

Try both. Josh Billings

Dont dispize yure poor relashuns, they may bekum suddenly ritch sum day, and then it will be awkward to explain things to them.=

Undoubtedly so, Josh Billings.

30 Days. JUNE. 1876.

Q.--Define a perfume. @ @ @

A.--Rape ov the flowers. @ @ @

_Five years John spent hunting tonicks, He drank all the kures in the land, And lost so mutch flesh he waz forced To hold up hiz pants with each hand._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _TOP KNOTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || Sighns ov warmness | | | 2| F || @ @ @ Ruth | He who elevates hiz profeshun | | 3| S || Comstok born | iz the best mechanik, whether he | | 4| G || @ @ 1786 @ @ | preaches the gospel, peddles | | 5| M || @ Ruth Comstok @ | phisick, or skins eels for a living.| | 6| T || had the @ dispepshy | | | 7| W || @ more rain @ | | | 8| T || @ @ now expekt | * * * * * | | 9| F || litening rod @ @ | | |10| S || @ @ venders | Lazyness iz a terrible burden | |11| G || @: hot but wet :@ | to carry, and it iz one ov them | |12| M || | kind ov burdens that yu kant | |13| T || § June bugs ¶ @ | dump, if you want to ever so | |14| W || @ @ @ have cum | mutch. | |15| T || more heat @ @ @ | | |16| F || Mark @ Twain | | |17| S || @ is a funny kuss @ | * * * * * | |18| G || expekt hotness @ | | |19| M || @ @ now bury ~ | | |20| T || potatoes @ @ @ | It aint no disgrace for a man to | |21| W || @ @ not so warm | fall, but to lay thare, and grunt, | |22| T || @ Old Grimes @ | iz. | |23| F || is ded @ @ @ | | |24| S || hunt @ for @ frogs | | |25| G || @ hind legs @ | * * * * * | |26| M || thunder and @ @ | | |27| T || @ @ litening | | |28| W || @ thare iz a @ | An old man desperately in luv | |29| T || divinity shapes | iz an objekt ov pitty, he iz az | |30| F || @ our ends @ @ | bad off az a lost dog. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE LITENING ROD MAN._