Part 18

_Dear Mose._--All the humorist that i am acquainted with are sad, and sober kusses. I never knu a fust rate humorist who waz a good laffer, they are willing to make other people laff, but prefer themselfs to stand by and look on. If Mark Twain should be kaught laffing, hiz friends would immejately put him to bed and send for hiz family physician. Nasby, the grate politikal satirist, waz never known to smile but once, and then he, and Pogram, were in the bak end ov the grosery at the crossroads, but the cauze ov hiz mirth iz a profound sekret to this day. The best laffers i hav ever knu, whare thoze who lafft at their own jokes.

_SPLINTERS._

If yu are determined to bet enny how, bet yure bottom dollar the fust time, and then go into sum more respektable bizzness.

* * * * *

Thare are no weeds in this world that wilt so quick, az the weeds ov the widower.

30 Days. JUNE. 1877.

Q.--What iz yure favourite name for a Boy? @ @ @

A.--George Washington, Lafayette, Napoleon, Ulyssess Grant. @

_The poodle iz a frowzy bird, A hiding place for fleas, and varmin, Wimmin lug them round for pets. And call them_ "luv," _and_ "duv," _and_ "charming."

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _POSTSKRIPTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ Luvly moments | The man who iz eazily influenced | | 2| S || @ wind bammy @ | and yet wont be advised, | | 3| G || june bugs are @ @ | iz a dredphull hard kritter | | 4| M || @ here @ very wet | to steer. | | 5| T || Patience Burbanks | | | 6| W || @ @ run @ away @ | | | 7| T || 1840 @ sun hot | * * * * * | | 8| F || @ @ Patience fled | | | 9| S ||with @ a @ pedlar @ | | |10| G || @ @ hot showers | Necessity iz the very best gift | |11| M ||@ the @ violet @ haz | ov heaven, without it poor human | |12| T || @ cum @ @ gentle | natur would only be a herd ov | |13| W ||softness @ prevails | loafers. | |14| T || @ now @ jerk @ | | |15| F ||@: lettiss @ sum :@ | | |16| S || | * * * * * | |17| G || wet @ @ now pik | | |18| M || the goose @ more @ | | |19| T ||@ softness @ @ fleas | What a man gits for nothing, | |20| W || diskovered 1309 @ | he iz very apt to value at just | |21| T || hotness exists @ @ | about what it kost. | |22| F || expekt pak pedlars | | |23| S || @ @ wind rizes @ | | |24| G || @ @ Sam Brewster | * * * * * | |25| M ||elekted constable @ | | |26| T || @ 1865 @ sighns ov | | |27| W || drougth @ be kind | Opportunitys are like birds, | |28| T || @ @ to your mother | they will slip out ov yure hands | |29| F ||in law @ @ very hot | if yu giv them haff a chance. | |30| S || -now-stik-in-beans | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE SPIDER._

One ov the most ingenious, and hardest workers amung the whole lot ov little bugs in kreashun iz the common spider. They will do more work on a web, in six hours, than a man could do in his whole life time, and do a mutch better job into the bargin. Spiders are the meanest reptiles that hang around the footstool, for they are the only ones that i kan think ov now, that set traps for their viktims. They are az mean az a man in this respekt. Thare iz no fun in a spider, he iz az lonesum az a mizer, he spends hiz whole life making webs, and watching them, and allways lays at the mouth ov hiz hole, reddy to back in out ov danger. A man will go out ov hiz way rather than step on a kricket, and would rather skare a fly than kill him, az sazzy az he iz, but he goes for a spider with both feet, and seems to feel melankolly if he happens to miss him. Spiders hav no friends in this world, and the reazon must be bekauze their naturs are viscious, and cunning. Theze two traits will make even man an outlaw, and they akt just the same way on the spider. I dispize the spider, and aint afraid to tell him so.

_DREGS._

Every man thinks he iz the principal bull frog in the puddle, and rather than argy the case, i am willing to think so too.

* * * * *

Mizery luvs company but iz allwuss jealous,--there never waz a man yet but what thought hiz lame back was a good deal lamer than hiz nabors.

31 Days. JULY. 1877.

Q.--What iz a mint julep? @ @ @

A.--A refuge for cheap whiskey. @ @ @

_Full of cunning, and low deceit, With stolen cream, and chickens fat, Sweetly in dreams he lays at yure feet, Judas Iskariott, in shape ov a kat._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _VAPOR._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ Warm hotness | The man who gits hiz edukashun | | 2| M || @ now the frog @ | from the daily papers, | | 3| T || sweats (@) thunder | if he happens to miss one, haz | | 4| W || @ @ and litening | lost all he iz a going to kno for | | 5| T || @ Amos Jones @ @ | the next 24 hours. | | 6| F || @ sloped @ 1839 | | | 7| S || south wind @ @ | | | 8| G ||Amos waz a wood-sawyer | * * * * * | | 9| M || @ more hot | | |10| T || @ @ now borrow | | |11| W || @ umbrellers @ @ | The hardest man to convince | |12| T || thunder @ showers | in an argument iz the one who | |13| F || let us hav @ @ | alwuss sez "_yes_" to everything | |14| S || peace @ inkreasing | yu say. | |15| G || hotness @ now pik | | |16| M || @ @ green corn @ | | |17| T || Wind southly @ @ | * * * * * | |18| W || @ @ virtew iz its | | |19| T || @ own reward @ very | | |20| F || dusty @ now inhale | I would rather a boy ov mine | |21| S || juleps @ @ hot grows | would be haff full ov deviltry, | |22| G || Mary Walker @ @ | than chuck full gravity,--but i | |23| M || @ born (!) 1840 | haint got enny boy yu know. | |24| T || kloudy @ Mary had | | |25| W || @ a little @ lam | | |26| T || cooler @ Job waz | * * * * * | |27| F || @ @ a pashunt @ | | |28| S || fellow @ very hot | | |29| G || @ @ now chew @ | The road to ruin iz down hill, | |30| M || ice @ @ go slow | and McAdamized at that. | |31| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE MILKSOP._

The milksop iz a human being who has not the stamina ov a man, nor the weakness ov a woman. He iz a hibrid ov the nuter gender, without karakter enuff to make him respekted, or dispized. These kind ov pholks are innosent enuff if they are well watched, but they need az mutch watching az a blind baby duz. They occupy quarters about haff way between a phool, and an ideot. If milksops would only keep still but few would suspekt them, but how strange it iz, that the thinner a man iz, the more anxious he iz to get into a strong light.

_THE MIZER._

The mizer digs hiz heart out hollow to stow away hiz munny in. He akumulates bi littles, and never opens hiz harte, only on a krak, to let another shilling in. An old mizer iz a sad sight enuff, but next to an ideot, a yung mizer iz the most revolting thing on earth. Mizers enjoy what they dont use, looze what they save, and die possessed ov the only treasure that iz ov no use to them. The most terrible sarkasm iz a mizers phuneral, the heir often makes it gorgeous, and expensiv, and then pitches hedlong into the pile the old phool haz left.

_CHALK MARKS._

Advice iz generally like the bred and cheese we giv to beggars, thrown over into the fust vacant lot they cum to.

* * * * *

Bigots, enthusiasts, and clothes pins, all hav the same sized heds on them.

31 Days. AUGUST. 1877.

Q.--Pleze to define buty? @ @ @

A.--Buty iz a blank catridge. @ @ @

_Short haired, and nervous az a ghost, Answering to_"Bill," _or_ "Ned" _or_ "Fan," _Death on rats, and sirloin steak, Behold the sparkling, Black and Tan._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _COQUETS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || Fiery hot @ now | I hav seen men load a gun | | 2| T || @ the kow pants | klean up to the muzzle to kill | | 3| F || @ thunder with @ | a chipping bird with, a git | | 4| S || litening @ Bill @ | knokt hed over heels when the | | 5| G || @ @ Sprauge died | gun went off, and miss the bird | | 6| M || 1500 @ more hot ! | besides. | | 7| T || Bill Sprauge waz @ | | | 8| W ||@ a fiddler @ hotter | | | 9| T ||Bill fiddled @ with ! | * * * * * | |10| F || @ hiz left hand @ | | |11| S || heavy rain @ @ | The man who livs the live | |12| G || @ sun in apogee @ | ov a toadey iz a kind ov human | |13| M || more cool @ now @ | spit box. | |14| T || @ keep cool @ hot | | |15| W || the grasshopper @ | | |16| T || @ @ iz a burden | * * * * * | |17| F || @ more hot @ @ | | |18| S || Moses waz a @ @ | Yu will find plenty ov folks | |19| G || @ meek man @ hot | who are red hott to hunt tigers | |20| M || wetness @ the @ | and wild kats, only muzzle the | |21| T || rackcoon iz @ @ | kussid kritters, and put them 10 | |22| W || @ a kuss @ Sarah | or fifteen miles off. | |23| T || @ @ Pettibone born | | |24| F || @ 1846 @ red hot @ | * * * * * | |25| S || Sarah waz kross @ | | |26| G || eyed @ @ still @ | The man who haz got nothing | |27| M || @ hotter @ @ in the | but the truth to tell allwuss uses | |28| T || @ @ midst ov @ | the fust words he kan lay hiz | |29| W || * life * we * are * | hands on. | |30| T || @ in death @ @ | | |31| F || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_LAZYNESS._

Lazyness seems to be az natral az onions, and just about az helthy too. The lame, and the lazy, hav allwuss been provided for, sumboddy haz allwuss waited on them, and sumboddy allwuss will. I dont luv lazy pholks, i dont even respekt them, but i kant help but admire the way they eat. I never knu a lazy man that didn't hav a good appetight and a square digestion. Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur, and for that reazon is entitled to sum respekt. Lazy folks are allwuss good natured, i hav seen them so docile that they wouldn't fite flies. Lazyness iz often mistaken for shifflessness, but thare iz az much diffrence az thare iz between a hornet, and a fly. I had rather watch two raskalls than one shiftless kuss. Thare are sum things that will hurry lazyness, but death is the only sure kure for shifflessnes.

_LAFFTER._

Laffter iz the joy ov the soul comeing to the surface to hav a good time. The mule kant laff, and the devil wont. Laffing iz az natral az the meazles, and allmost as ketching, but the man who will laff when he dont feel like it, iz a grate koward to say the least, and may be a grate villain. Next to logick, to prove things, cums laffing, and the hardest man for ennyboddy, or enny thing, to beat, iz he who laffs at every thing.

_GIMBLETS._

I hav figgered onto it, and find that civilizashun kosts about 90 cents on the dollar.

* * * * *

One quarrellsum dog will demoralize all the curs in hiz naborhood.

30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1877.

Q.--Who iz the best lawyer? @ @ @

A.--He who duz the least bizzness. @ @ @

_What he kant steal must be tied down, Ever reddy to caw, and to go, Thare's nothing so full ov the devil, Az the life, and labors, ov a tame krow._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _MISFITS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ Delitesum @ | | | 2| G ||@ weather @ rain | Thare are two kinds of men | | 3| M ||listen to the @ @ | that fear makes phools ov, them | | 4| T ||@ mocking bird @ | who are afrade of nothing, and | | 5| W ||@ @ Pete Brown | them who are afrade of everything. | | 6| T ||@ waz diskovered @ | | | 7| F ||1856 @ Windy @ Pete | * * * * * | | 8| S ||waz diskovered @ | | | 9| G ||@ stealing chickens | | |10| M ||@ more weather @ | I would respekfully say to all | |11| T ||now brile quails @ | that klass, "_who want to be an | |12| W ||@ @ wind easterly | angell, and with the angels | |13| T ||@ hope deferred @ | dwell_," pleaze drop that noshun, | |14| F ||maketh @ the @ harte | and go at sumthing usefull, if the | |15| S ||@ sik @ more softness | Lord wants enny more angels, | |16| G ||@ @ Lucy Smith @ | he will let yu kno in due time. | |17| M || married 1800 @ | | |18| T ||@ @ it rains @ @ | * * * * * | |19| W ||@ @ Lucy married | | |20| T ||well @ now @ | | |21| F ||@ bile @ beans @ | Civil war iz like a fite in the | |22| S || | family, it seldum, if ever, waz | |23| G ||@ @ @ more mild | known to be healed. | |24| M ||@ strike while @ @ | | |25| T ||@ - the iron - @ | * * * * * | |26| W ||iz hot. @ @ cool | | |27| T || but @ pleasant | | |28| F ||10 mills make @ @ | If thare iz no hereafter, kats | |29| S ||one cent @ very | and dogs are better off than we | |30| G ||@ slick @ weather | are. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE DUK._

The duk iz a foul, naturalists say so, and common sense teaches it. Wild duks are very good shooting, and very good missing too, unless you understand the bizzness. I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a few tale feathers, but that satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kinds ov sport, you know. Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard to git even if you do kill them. I shot one whole afternoon, three years ago, at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I never hav told even mi wife ov this, and hope no one will repeat it.

_THE SANDY HILL CRANE._

The crane iz neither flesh, nor foul, but a sad mixtur ov theze two things. He mopes along the banks ov kreeks, and wet places, looking for sumthing he haz lost. He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz long all over. He livs upon lizzards, and frogs, and sleeps standing on one leg, like a gide board. Sumtimes he tips over in hiz dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a pikax. When he flies thru the air he iz az gracephull az a wind mill that haz broke away from its fastenings. Cranes are not very plenty on this earth, but at the last quotations, the supply just about equals the demand.

_BLOSSOMS._

The reputashun that a man gits from hiz ansesstors often wants az mutch altering to fit him, az their old clothes would.

* * * * *

How menny people thare are in this world who work for the devil all the time, and then look to the lord for their pay.

I dont never expekt to hav enny Poodle, but if i ever do, he must make up hiz mind to be tied onto a long stik every Saturday and be used for washing windows on the outside=

Jess so. Josh Billings.

If i kan hav all the salt makrell i want for brekfasst, I kan manage to make the other two meals out ov kold water.=

Yes. Josh Billings.

31 Days. OCTOBER. 1877.

Q.--Will yu define luck? @ @ @

A.--Luck iz driftwood. @ @ @

_This Nu Foundland weighs 94 pounds, And to save children iz willing, If yu haint no pond, nor children to save, The dog aint worth a shilling._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _IMPS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || Bracing weather @ | | | 2| T || now squeeze @ @ | I never knu a man to brag ov | | 3| W || @ @ apples for | hiz munny, or hiz pedigree, who | | 4| T || sider @ more cool | had enny thing else worth bragging | | 5| F || @ @ Sam Lewis @ | about. | | 6| S || @ died @ 1492 @ | | | 7| G || frost @ @ Sam @ | | | 8| M || * waz * a * hard * | * * * * * | | 9| T || @ shell @ Babtiss | | |10| W || mutch frost @ @ | | |11| T || ß now exkavate | The meekest Moses in the | |12| F || -p-o-t-a-t-o-s-e- | whole lot iz the man who haz | |13| S || | found out that he kant git the | |14| G || @ @ kold grows | thing he wants the most. | |15| M || @ Solaman @ @ | | |16| T || @ had @ mutch @ | | |17| W || @ wives @ @ it | * * * * * | |18| T || hails @ @ haste | | |19| F || makes waste @ ~ | | |20| S || -- @ snow falls @ -- | Thare are but very few people | |21| G || @ now @ chew @ | in this world who hav got the | |22| M || sassage @ more | nerve to be allways sassy to the | |23| T || @ @ cool @ Kate | devil. | |24| W || @ Savage died @ | | |25| T || 1749 @ mutch @ | | |26| F || @ frosty @ Kate | * * * * * | |27| S || @ @ had a pug @ | | |28| G || nose @ @ now @ | | |29| M || @ @ lift turnips | Before a vice ov enny kind | |30| T || @ kolder @ @ | kan bekum very dangerous it | |31| W || @ @ go slo @ | haz got to bekum respektable. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_AN EPISTOL._

_Dear Snyder._--Yu tell me that yu hav got the blues, and want to kno how to git shut of them. The following resipees will heal yu in 90 days if yu stik to them klussly. To wit, marry sum delikate only dauter of 22 summers (more or less) and take yure mother in law home with yu to board, this will oil the pores of the sistem, and the blues will eskape like steam out of the noze of a tea kittle. Once more, hire out to keep a distrikt skool for 9 dollars per month, and hash around the naborhood, or take a 3 year old kiking heifer to brake to milk, this will open yure swareing valves, and so hurry the blood, that the blues will leave yu in disgust, and fasten their fangs on to sum other phellow. Againly, go down into sum marsh in the kingdum ov Nu Jersey fishing for frogs in the month ov August, and fish with one hand, and slap muskeeters with the other, and the blues will take the hint and vacate yure natur like a shooting-star. Try either ov the abuv alteratives, dear Snyder, and if they dont work, go into the bak yard of sum Irish woman and kut her clothes line when it iz filled with the weeks washing, and if yu dont git the blues taken out ov yu, and a good deal else besides, yu are a morbid kuss and wont pay for experimenting on.

_BUBBLES._

Hero's are skarse, but the man who kan make poverty respektable, is one ov them.

* * * * *

If yu would eskape envy, abuse, and taxes, yu must liv in a deep well, and only cum out in the nite time.

30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1877.

Q.--Who iz the dearest old aunt? @ @ @

A.--The one whoze bank account iz all right. @ @

_The Rackcoon haz a striped tail, And steals green korn amazing, Hiz hide iz worth 6 bits perhaps, But coons wont pay for raizing._