Part 2

Once upon a time there was a minister, a very orthodox man, and he was very fond of pepper-sauce, and he liked it piping hot, the very strongest kind on the market. Distrusting that furnished by the hotels, he always carried with him on his travels a bottle of his favorite brand. One day as he was seated at the dinner table of a hotel, a man on the other side of the table asked him to "please pass the pepper-sauce." "Certainly," said he, "with pleasure. This bottle is my own private property, I always carry it with me. I think you will find it very good." The man helped himself freely, and when he had got done coughing and had recovered enough breath to enable him to speak, he said: "Pardon me, sir. I believe you are a preacher?" "Yes, that is my calling in life." "An orthodox preacher, I presume?" "Yes, sir." "And you really believe in hell-fire?" "Yes--I feel it my duty to warn the inpenitent of their danger." "And you do preach and believe in a literal hell-fire?" "I cannot do otherwise with the Scriptures before me." "Well"--said the man, "I have met a good many preachers in my time who believe and preach just as you do, sir, but I must say I never before met a man who carries his samples with him."

ONE PLACE OR THE OTHER

"When I get to heaven," said Brown, as he laid down the book he had been reading--"when I get to heaven, the very first person I want to see will be Shakespeare."

"And what do you want to see Shakespeare for?" inquired his wife.

"Why, I just want to ask him whether he wrote his own plays, or whether he got some one else to write them for him, and have this question settled."

"Well, but"--objected his wife, "how do you know he'll be there? Not all people will get to heaven."

"That's so, that's so," said Brown meditatively. "Well, I'll tell you what we'll do--if he isn't there, then suppose you ask him?"

"LOUDER!"

At a criminal trial both judge and counsel had a deal of trouble to make the timid witnesses speak loud enough to be heard by the jury, and it is possible that the temper of the counsel may thereby have been turned from the even tenor of its way. After this gentleman had gone through the various stages of bar pleading, and had coaxed, threatened and even bullied the witnesses, there was called into the box a young hostler who appeared to be simplicity itself.

"Now, sir," said the counsel, in a tone that would at any other time have been denounced as vulgarly loud, "I hope we shall have no difficulty in making you speak out."

"I hope not, sir," was shouted, or rather bellowed out, by the witness in tones which almost shook the building, and would certainly have alarmed any timid or nervous person.

"How dare you speak in that way, sir?" demanded the counsel.

"Please, sir, I can't speak no louder," roared the perplexed witness, evidently thinking that fault was found with him for speaking too softly.

"Pray, have you been drinking this morning?" shouted the counsel, who had now thoroughly lost the last remnant of his temper.

"Yes, sir," was the stentorian reply.

"And what have you been drinking?"

"Corfee, sir."

"And what did you have in your coffee?"

"A spune, sir," bawled the witness in his highest key amidst the roars of the court.

A COLLEGE TRICK

It occurred in an Ohio college, in the early days when the small college was struggling for an existence, and the students were struggling for an education. Many of the boys were very poor, and had to board themselves, doing all their cooking, sleeping and studying in the same room. To economize space they were used to keep their little store of groceries and provisions under the bed, and the bed was of the old bed-cord kind. The two particular boys of whom we write, for some reason or other, at this particular time, had a pan full of molasses under the bed.

Boys will be boys, poor as well as rich, and college boys the world over are full of all manner of tricks. These two chaps had concocted a very neat little scheme for getting on to the nerves of Professor John, who had charge of the building in which they were domiciled. For days and days they had been secretly carrying a lot of stones up into their room and depositing them in an empty barrel. When the barrel was full, the trick was ready to be pulled off just at bedtime, the trick consisting of simply rolling the barrel to the top of the corkscrew staircase, and letting her go Gallagher, when the perpetrators would skip to their room hard by, dive into bed and be sound asleep before Professor John could say Jack Robinson.

But--Professor John knew about all the possible combinations of the college boy, and could smell a hatching trick a mile away. Knowing that something was in the air, he had quietly stationed himself in a dark niche in the wall at the head of the staircase, and was watching the two night-begowned boys as they tugged with all their strength at the heavy barrel of stones, gently rolling it to the top of the stairs. "Don't make a noise," hoarsely whispered the one who was bossing the job, "and don't let her go till all is ready and I give the word."

When all was about ready to heave away, out stepped Professor John with a terrible "What's--all--this!"

Away went the boys pell-mell to their room. They tried to slam the door shut, but the Professor's foot got there first, and they dived into bed.

But alas! there had been a trick within a trick. Some one had cut the bed-cords! And as the two went down to the floor, one pitifully called out "Oh--we're in the molasses!"

Professor John knew what that meant. He leaned up against the wall and laughed till he cried. "Let them go, poor fellows," he said, as he went to his room, "they have been punished enough."

ANY PORT IN A STORM

In a lecture on Carlyle, Moncure D. Conway related how the great writer was interviewed one morning by a very rough man in his neighborhood. A great revival being in progress in the vicinity, this man, well known as a very rough and profane fellow, had been attending the meetings and was "under conviction," as the phrase went. Thinking that perhaps Mr. Carlyle might be able to give him some good and godly advice, he made a morning call on the celebrated writer, who unfortunately was just then enduring a most grievous attack of dyspepsia.

"Good morning, Mr. Carlyle," said the man.

"Morning," growled Carlyle.

"Mr. Carlyle," said he, "I have come to see you this morning about my soul----"

"And what has gone wrong with your soul, then?" interrupted the man of letters.

"Why, Mr. Carlyle, I've been such an awful bad man that I'm afraid, if I were to die, I'd go straight to hell."

"Very likely," was the prompt answer. "Very likely indeed. And, what is more--you may be very thankful you have a hell to go to, too."

A VERY GOOD INVESTMENT

"Now, James," said a business man to his ten-year-old boy, "you are going to be a business man, and it is time that we should begin to give you some practical lessons in the art and science of investing money. Here's a half dollar. You take it and go down town and invest it on your own hook and to the best advantage. I don't care where you put it in, only so you put it where it will be safe and where you will get a good interest for your money."

The boy took the silver and started off. In an hour he returned, reporting that he had made a good investment, and was going to get a hundred per cent. interest.

"Splendid!" said the admiring father. "Where did you put it in?"

"Well," said the boy, "I went down town and walked around a while, wondering where I should find a good place, and by and by I came by a church, and there was a meeting, and they were singing, and I went in. It was a missionary meeting, and the man was begging money for Missions, and he said if you gave him your money why the Lord would send it back to you doubled--He would pay you a hundred per cent."

"I hope," expostulated his father, "you didn't put that half dollar on the collection plate?" "Yes, I did, father," said the boy, "and the man he said that the Lord is a good paymaster and that He'd send it back doubled."

"And you believed him! O pshaw, I'm utterly disappointed in you, James. You'll never make a business man. The idea of your believing such stuff like that. Why, that half dollar--you'll never see it again, and that man--why, he's nothing but a fakir. O well--pshaw! I'll give you another chance, and see that you do better this time. Here's a dollar. Now you steer clear of all churches and missionary meetings this time----"

"Why, father!" exclaimed the boy as he took the dollar, "why, that man was right after all. The Lord did send my half dollar back, and sooner than I looked for it--and doubled, too!"

THE POOR

Josh Billings concluded his celebrated lecture on "Milk" with these memorable words--"Remember the poor. It costs nothing."

A town meeting had been called to devise ways and means to provide for the poor of the community. After many speeches had been made, and many recommendations offered, and much time wasted and nothing done, a benevolent German arose in the back part of the hall and said:

"Mister Chairman, I move, before we adjourn, we all shtand oop undt gif three cheers for de poor!"

TEMPERANCE A HUNDRED YEARS AGO

The first Temperance Society organized in this country, in the year 1808, provided that "No member shall be intoxicated under a penalty of fifty cents, and no member shall ask another person to take a drink under a penalty of twenty-five cents."

There was a Temperance Society in the State of Maine, prior to the year 1825, which had the following remarkable plank in its platform: "If any member of this Society shall get drunk, he shall be obliged to stand treat for the whole Society all round!"

A hundred years ago the virtues of rum were set forth in an English publication after the following fashion:

"It sloweth age, it strengthened youth, it helpeth digestion, it cutteth phlegme, it abandoneth melancholy, it relisheth the heart, it lighteneth the mind, it quickeneth the spirits, it cureth the hydupsia, it healeth the strangurie, it pounceth the stone, it expelleth the gravel, it puffeth away ventosity; it keepeth and preserveth the head from whirling, the tongue from lisping, the mouth from snaffling, the teeth from chattering and the throat from rattling. It keepeth the weasen from stiffling, the stomach from wambling and the heart from swelling. It keepeth the hands from shivering, the sinews from shrinking, the veins from crumbling, the bones from aching, and the marrow from soaking."

"THE ---- YANKEES"

When Sherman's army was making its great march through Georgia the colored people were, of course, very much excited over the news of the approach of the Northern army. They had very little idea of what Northern soldiers looked like, but had commonly heard them spoken of as "the dam Yankees." In a certain part of Georgia, when they heard of the approach of the great army, the darkies held a prayer-meeting, and one old fellow prayed--"O Lawd, bress Massa Linkum, an' bress Gin'l Sherman. O Lawd, he's one o' us. He got a white skin, but he got a black heart, he one o' us. An', O Lawd, bress all dem dam Yankees!"

THE SNOLLIGOSTER

A circus came to town down in Kentucky. The tents were set up and the cages put in, and the people gathered about to look. "There, ladies and gentlemen," shouted the barker, "is the Royal Lion, the king of beasts. He can whip any other animal in the world."

"He kin, kin he?" queried a gawky Kentuckian. "I'll bet you five dollars I have an animal at home that'll lick him the very first round."

"Can't take your bet," said the barker. "Too little money. Couldn't think of letting him fight for five dollars, but I'll take a bet of twenty-five dollars."

"I ain't got that much," said Kentuck, "but I'll borrow it of my friends, an' we'll have a fight."

The bystanders made up the money, and the stakes were duly put up. Kentuck went to his home, and by and by returned with a bag over his shoulder.

"What you got in that bag?" asked the showman.

"A snolligoster," answered Kentuck.

"A snolligoster? What's that? Let's see it."

"No, you don't," answered Kentuck. "You open the top of your cage and I'll put my animile in, the money's put up, you know."

So the cage was opened and Kentuck climbed up to the hole in the top and, opening his bag, shook out of it a big snapping turtle. The turtle stood on the defensive. The lion came up to smell him. He took only one smell, gave a yell of pain and retired to his corner to howl the snapper loose if he could.

"Take him off," yelled the showman.

"Take him off yerself, if ye want to," said Kentuck. "The fightin's just commenced. First blood for my snolligoster."

SHARPENING THEIR WITS

Two human Whetstones met on the street.

"Queer, isn't it?"

"What's queer?"

"The night falls----"

"Yes."

"----but it doesn't break."

"No."

"And the day breaks----"

"Yes."

"But it doesn't fall?"

"No--but it's getting very warm."

"Yes, it is."

"There would be a big thaw but for one thing----"

"And what's that?"

"There's nothing froze."

And they parted.

AN ILL-ASSORTED COUPLE

A missionary in the Far West, residing near an Indian reservation, relates how one day there came to his house an Indian and a squaw wishing to "get married white man's way." Everything being in order they were duly made man and wife according to the service of the Church. "I was a little apprehensive," said the minister, laughing, "that it might not turn out well with them. They had such queer names. His name was 'Little Red Horse,' and hers was 'Jane-kick-a-hole-in-the-sky."

THE STRONGEST MAN

"Who was the strongest man?" asked the Sunday-school teacher. One boy said "Samson, cause he choked a lion to death." "Naw," said another boy, "g'wan, it wasn't Samson. It was Jonah, 'cause a whale couldn't keep him down."

WHY THEY MARRIED

Postal cards having been sent out to all the married men in a certain town in Western New York carrying the question, "Why did you marry?" the following are some of the answers returned:

"That's what I've been trying for eleven years to find out."

"Married to get even with her mother--but never have."

"Was freckle-faced and thought it was my last chance. I've found out, however, that freckles ain't near as bad as henspeck."

"Because I was too lazy to work."

"Because Sarah told me that five other young fellows had proposed to her. Lucky dogs!"

"The old man thought eight years courtin' was long enough."

"I was lonesome and melancholy, and wanted some one to make me lively. N. B. She makes me lively, you bet!"

"I was tired of buying ice cream and candies and going to theatres and church, and wanted a rest. Have saved money."

"Please don't stir me up!"

"Because I thought she was one among a thousand; now I sometimes think she is a thousand among one."

"Because I did not then have the experience I now have."

"The Governor was going to give me his foot, so I took his daughter's hand."

"I thought it would be cheaper than a breach-of-promise suit."

"That's the same fool question all my friends and neighbors ask."

"Because I had more money than I knew what to do with. And now I have more to do with than I have money."

"I wanted a companion of the opposite sex. P. S. She is still opposite."

"Don't mention it!"

"Had difficulty in unlocking the door at night, and wanted somebody in the house to let me in."

"Because it is just my luck."

"I didn't intend to go and do it."

"I yearned for company. We now have company all the time--her folks."

"I married to get the best wife in the world."

"Because I asked her if she'd have me. She said she would. I think she's got me!"

THE STUTTERERS

It is related of the late William Travers of New York City, who was used at times to make merry of his own incurable and distressing infirmity, that he was on one occasion asked by a woman in a street car, "Would he be so good as to tell her whether it was nine o'clock yet?" Pulling his timepiece out of his pocket and looking at it a moment, he began, "N--n--no, M--m--madam, it isn't n--n--nine oc--oc--o'clock yet, b--b--but it will be by--by--by the time I can g--g--get it out."

On another occasion he was asked some question by an entire stranger on the street, who stammered quite as painfully as he himself did, and when he stuttered out a laborious answer, the man thinking Travers was mocking him, grew angry and exclaimed:

"How d--dare y--y--you m--make sport of m--m--m--my inf--infirmity?"

And Travers replied, "I wasn't m--m--making f--f--fun of your in--inf--infirmity. I stut--tut--tut--tutter myself. W--w--why don't you go to Doctor B--B--Brown? He--cu--cuc--cured me!"

* * * * *

Two men once went squirrel shooting. One of them was a notorious stammerer. He had no load in his gun when he saw a squirrel running up a tree, and wishing to call the attention of his companion to it he began:

"J--J--James! I see a--a--a--a sq--sq--sq--Oh, by George he's gone into his hole!"

ALEXANDER

There was a chap who kept a store, And though there might be grander, He sold his goods nor asked for more, And his name was Alexander.

He mixed his goods with cunning hand, He was a skillful brander; And since his sugar half was sand, They called him Alex-Sander.

He had his dear one, to her came, Then lovingly he scanned her; He asked her would she change her name? Then a ring did Alex-hand-her.

"Oh, yes," she said, with smiling lip, "If I can be commander!" And so they framed a partnership And called it Alex-and-her.

A FOOL ACCORDING TO HIS FOLLY

Once in traveling the Rev. Dr. Bledsoe was exceedingly annoyed by a pedantic bore who forced himself upon him, and made a great parade of his shallow learning. The doctor endured it as long as he could, but at length, looking at the man, said: "My friend, you and I know all that is to be known." "Why, how is that?" asked the man, much pleased with what he thought a very complimentary association. "Why," blandly replied the doctor, "you know everything in this world, except that you are a fool--and I know that."

HE COULDN'T CATCH UP

When the pious deacon, riding a very poor horse, pulled up at the cross-roads and asked a farmer's boy to tell him which road to take, the boy asked him who he was and where it was he was going?

"My boy," replied the deacon with a pious gaze heavenward, "I am a follower of the Lord."

"A follower of the Lord!" exclaimed the lad. "I reckon, mister, you'd better buy another nag, for you'll never catch up to him on that old horse of yourn!"

A SUDDEN RISE

Stooping down to wash his hands in a creek, the darkey couldn't, of course, observe the peculiar motions of a goat right behind him. When he scrambled out of the water and was asked how it happened, he answered: "I dunno zacktly. 'Peared as if de shore kinder histed an' frowed me."

"OLD HOSS"

During the trying days of drafting in Civil War times, a farmer from away out West called on President Lincoln. As soon as he got near enough to the President he slapped him familiarly on the back and said, "Hello, old hoss, how are ye?"

"You call me an old hoss," said Mr. Lincoln; "may I inquire what kind of a hoss I am?" "Why--an old Draft hoss, to be sure. Ha, ha!"

DISTURBING THE SOLEMNITY

Somehow or other there were many more queer things happening in church in the olden time than occur in these sober and decorous days. In old St. Paul's, Newburyport, for example, some very amusing things are recorded to have happened during the hours of service. Uncle Nat Bailey was the sexton, and it was his duty to attend to the new stove which had just been put in. But one Sunday morning Uncle Nat was engaged in ringing the bell, and the last comers were hurrying in, and the clerk, Harvey, perceived that the stove needed attention. Taking the sexton's duty, he poked the fire, chucked in more wood, shut the door and returned to his place at his desk. Unfortunately he had got his hand all black with soot, and unwittingly he had smeared the soot all over his face. The congregation broadly smiled a few minutes later when he solemnly rose at his desk and gave out the first hymn, "Behold the beauties of my face."

Lighting as well as heating gave trouble in those days. Candles guttered, or went out, and kept the attentive sextons busy tiptoeing about, snuffing or relighting them. Sexton Currier--pronounced in country speech "Kiah"--of Parson Milton's church in the same old town, once neglected this duty during an evening service.

Parson Milton, from his tremendous, booming voice nicknamed "Thundering Milton," was an excellent pastor, but very singular and abrupt in his ways. Observing the condition of the lights, he quite upset the congregation by proclaiming at the top of his voice, without the slightest break between the sentences:

"The Lord said unto Moses, Kiah, snuff the candles."

He it was, too, who, when a worthy parishioner whose Christian name was Mark once dropped off into a doze in his pew, recalled him to his duty in a marvelous fashion. Leaning forward in the middle of the sermon, and apparently addressing himself directly to the offender, he exclaimed in quick, sharp tones, "Mark!"

At the sound of his name, the man opened his eyes and sat hastily erect, while the preacher, resuming his normal voice, concluded the sentence--"the perfect man, and behold the upright."

* * * * *

On a very cold day, when the church was inadequately warmed, another minister preached from a very hot text. At the conclusion of the service he leaned over the pulpit and said, in a tone audible to all the congregation:

"Deacon Craig, do, I pray you, see to it that this church is properly warmed this afternoon. What's the use of my preaching to a parcel of sinners about the danger of hell-fire when the church is as cold as a barn?"

TECHNIQUE

They were both musical, and of course became engaged. One evening the young man was late in paying his visit. The young lady was anxious and getting nervous. The whole family sympathized with the poor girl as she waited for the bell to ring. Suddenly the bell rang, and the calm blue sky of peace reappeared in the young girl's eyes as she exclaimed rapturously even if ungrammatically, "That's him! How exquisite his technique is on the bell-pull, and oh! the breadth and compass of his ring!"

* * * * *

Three street boys were brought by the city missionary into a downtown Sunday-school, and placed in Mr. B----'s class. "What is your first name?" he asked of one. "Lem," was the reply. "Ah, Lemuel," corrected the teacher. "And yours, my boy?" he asked of the next. "Sam," yelled the urchin. "Ah, Samuel," rejoined Mr. B----. "And what may I call you?" he kindly asked of the third. "My name is--Jimuel," said he.

TACT--AND NO TACT

That English clergyman had no tact who vehemently declared his parishioners to be "a set of unmitigated asses." One of the Long-Eared standing by ventured to inquire whether that was the reason his reverence addressed them every Sunday morning as "Dearly beloved Brethren?"

But here was another English clergyman who had tact. On one occasion he was traveling in a stage-coach in company with a noisy talker who persisted in thrusting upon his fellow-passengers the fact that he did not believe in the Bible. In particular he was severe upon the writer who had alleged that Joshua had commanded the sun to stand still and look on while he wiped out the heathen. The clergyman had been measuring up his companion, and at this point he spoke out----

"Did you ever read the further explanation of that great miracle as given in the First Book of Zorobbabel?"

"Yes, I have," snapped the learned infidel, "and that doesn't throw any light on it either. In fact, it makes it worse----"