Part 3

The general roar of laughter which followed this confession of ignorance ended the controversy, and bottled up the agnostic.

On another occasion this same clergyman was annoyed by a bustling preacher who walked up to him in public, and, in a voice that arrested the attention of all within hearing, challenged him to a controversy on Apostolic Succession. The challenged man turned sharply and said: "Can you repeat the Lord's Prayer, sir?" "But--" stammered the man, "I want to discuss--" "Sir," said the other, "I repeat, say the Lord's Prayer, if you can." The man was so taken aback by this unexpected flank movement that, if he ever knew the Lord's Prayer, every petition of it had vanished from his memory, and he became red-faced and silent. Then his dignified antagonist turned in a stately way to the group of amused auditors, and said, "Sir, I will leave it to this intelligent assemblage to decide whether a man who is unable to repeat the Lord's Prayer is competent to discuss Apostolic Succession."

THE ECHO

A tourist was told by a guide that the echo on a Killarney lake was very fine. So, off went the tourist to hear it, and hired two men to row him out, accomplishing the transaction so swiftly that there was no time for them to arrange for the usual echo to be in attendance. The echo wasn't working. What was to be done? In despair of a better expedient, the men that were rowing broke an oar, and one swam ashore to fetch another--and while he was gone, the echo began to work!

"Good morning," cried the tourist.

"Good marning," said the echo, with a charming brogue.

"Fine day, sir."

"Foine day, sir," improved the echo.

"Will you take a drink?" cried the tourist.

"Begorra, an' that I will!" roared the echo.

"LOGIC IS LOGIC"

Jack and his friend Mickey were walking uptown one morning and Jack said, "Mickey, I bet you a dollar I can prove to you that you are on the other side of the street."

"Done," said Mickey, "I'm the man for your money."

"Well," continued Jack, pointing to the opposite side of the street, "that is one side of the street, isn't it?"

"Yes," said Mickey.

"And this side is the other side, isn't it? And you are on the other side. And I'll take your dollar, please."

Mickey passed out the dollar, but scratched his head. He resolved to win that dollar back, and later in the day waylaid a man with, "I say--I bet you a dollar I can prove to you that you are on the other side of the street." "Done," said the man. "I'd as soon make a dollar easy as not."

"Well," said Mickey, "this is one side of the street, isn't it?"

"Yes, that can't be disputed."

"And over there is the other side, isn't it?"

"Yes--but I ain't on that side--and I'll take your dollar, please."

And Mickey walked home scratching his head and wondering how it came that "the dang thing didn't work?"

LIONIZED

This is how the colonel and the lieutenant-colonel of a French regiment in Algeria were lionized. The major of the regiment one day came across a lion suffering grievous pain from a thorn in his paw. Pitying the poor animal, the major extracted the thorn. Considering what he could do in return for the kindness, the grateful lion secured a copy of the army register, ran his eye over the list of officers in the gentle major's regiment, and waylaid and devoured both the colonel and the lieutenant-colonel, so that his friend, the major, could be promoted.

LAUGHED IT OUT OF COURT

In the course of a sermon on "The Soul," a certain minister once said: "They are saying these days that the soul is nothing but electricity. Now, brethren, just to show you how utterly ridiculous this modern conceit is, suppose we substitute the word 'electricity' for the words 'the soul' wherever they occur in the Bible, and see how it will read. For instance: 'What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world, and lose his--electricity. Or what shall a man give in exchange for his--electricity.' Ridiculous, perfectly ridiculous!"

HOW TO CATCH A MULE

There was a farmer who had a balky mule and he couldn't make the mule go. A stranger came along and offered to help, and the farmer told him to go right ahead. The stranger had a bottle of turpentine, and he opened the mule's mouth and pushed back his head and poured about half of the bottle into the mule's stomach. The mule gave one startled gasp and struck out across the prairie, and was lost to sight. The surprised farmer stood for a while immersed in deep thought, and then he said, "Stranger, please give me the rest of that turpentine; I've got to catch my mule."

HOW THE YOUNG IDEA SHOOTS

Many children are so crammed with everything that they really know nothing.

In proof of this, read these veritable specimens of definitions, written by public school children:

"Stability is taking care of a stable."

"A mosquito is the child of black and white parents."

"Tocsin is something to do with getting drunk."

"Expostulation is to have the smallpox."

"Monastery is the place for monsters."

"Cannibal is two brothers who killed each other in the Bible."

"Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, the head, the chist and the stummick. The head contains the eyes and brains, if any. The chist contains the lungs and a piece of the liver. The stummick is devoted to the bowels, of which there are five, a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes w and y."

NAMES FOR THE TWINS

Some amusing "baptismal experiences" of a "well-known clergyman" are printed in the columns of an exchange. A boy born on January 3, 1863, was dubbed Emancipation Proclamation Baxter. Another he christened Perseverance Jones. When the minister endeavored to dissuade the father he replied that the child's mother was named Patience, and he saw no reason why the boy should not be called Perseverance, because the two always went together. But the richest of his reminiscences had to do with twins:

"What names will you call them?" I inquired.

"Cherubim and Seraphim," replied their mother.

"Why?" I asked, in astonishment.

"Because," she replied, "de pra'er book says, 'De cherubim and seraphim continually do cry,' an' dese yere chil'en do nuffin' else."

EXTREMES MEET

As the newspaper man put it: "A late invoice from Boston to Africa included three missionaries and eighty-three casks of rum--salvation in the cabin, damnation in the hold, and Old Glory floating over both."

This fine bit of ecclesiastical sarcasm is further illustrated by a fact concerning a church in the city of Edinburgh, which city is noted for its Scottish brand of "religion and whiskey," and of which wits have spoken as being "the most spiritually minded city in the Kingdom." Well--there is said to be a church there, so built as to include a spacious basement adapted for storage purposes, which the pious elders, with a business eye to revenue, did not scruple to rent for the storage of casks of wine and other spirits in considerable bulk. Well--along comes some clever wit with a facile pen and writes on the door of the basement of that Edinburgh church the following lines. The authorship is unknown, but Macready is suspected:

"There's a spirit above And a spirit below, The spirit of love And the spirit of woe.

"The spirit above Is the spirit of love, And the spirit below Is the spirit of woe.

"The spirit above Is a spirit divine, And the spirit below Is the spirit of wine."

A FIRE SCREEN

A Southern politician, in rehearsing some of the stories with which he made many Democratic votes during a campaign, related the following as having probably been the most effective:

A darkey had a dream and thought he went to the bad place. The next day he told his friends what he had dreamed, and they asked him a great many questions.

"Did you see ole Satan down dar?" one of them asked.

"Oh, yes; I seed ole Satan dar, an' Belzybub, an' Pollyun an' de hull lot. Dey was jist standin' roun' an' tendin' to de bisniss, pokin' de fires an' makin' it hot fer de folks."

"Was dey--was dey any niggahs down dar?"

"Oh, yes, dey was lots an' lots o' niggahs, heaps on 'em."

"An' white folks?"

"Oh, yes, lots o' white folks, too; scores an' scores on 'em."

"Democrats?"

"Oh, yes, plenty Democrats."

"An' 'Publicans?"

"Oh, yes. De 'Publicans dey was in one pen by deyselves, an' de Democrats dey was all in a pen, too."

"Was de white an' de black 'Publicans in de same pen?"

"Yes, dey was all togedder in de same pen."

"What was dey all a-doin'?"

"Well, I 'clar to goodness, w'en I looked in dat ar pen an' seed 'em, it peered like ebbery blame white 'Publikin had a niggah in his arms a-holdin' him up 'twixt him an' de fire to cotch de heft o' de heat."

"I estimate that this story," said the politician, "was good for at least twelve hundred colored votes on our side in this campaign."

BRANDIED PEACHES

The guests were all gathered in the parlor laughing and talking, when the host was suddenly summoned by his wife for a brief consultation in the dining-room before dinner was served.

"Tom," said she, in evident alarm, "what shall I do? I have nothing for dessert but brandied peaches, and there's Dr. Brown, the Methodist minister, in the company. I never thought about him--you know he's such a strict temperance person."

Tom said he was sorry, but it was evidently too late to change the schedule, and that they would just have to trust to luck.

They did--and luck did not fail them. For when it came to the dessert, the Rev. Mr. Brown evidently enjoyed the peaches very much, very much. Dear innocent soul! he thought he had never tasted anything half so good. And when the hostess sweetly asked him, "Could she not have the pleasure of serving him with another peach?" he hesitatingly replied, "No--thank you--thank you--but I believe I will take a little more of the juice!"

"MOUNTED?"

Another darkey relates a dream he had during an exciting political campaign down in Kentucky, only in this case his dream took an opposite direction. "I dreamed," said he, "dat I died an' went up to de big gate o' hebbin an' wanted to git in, an' Sent Petah he says to me, says he, 'Is you mounted?' an' I says, 'No.' An' he says, 'Den you can't come in.' So I kum away, an' on de way down I met Kunnel White, de man wat's runnin' fo' Congress, an' I told him 'twant no use: he couldn't git in if he wasn't mounted. 'Better go back,' says I, 'an' mount de bay mare.' But he says, 'No, I tell you, Sam, what we'll do. You'll be my hoss. I'll git on your back, an' we'll ride up to de gate an' when Petah says, "Is you mounted?" I'll say, "Yaas," an' I'll ride you right in.'

"So I got down on my han's an' feet an' he got up on my back, an' we trotted up to de big gate, and de kunnel he knocked on de doo', an' Sent Petah he open de gate a crack an' says, 'Who's dar?' an' de kunnel says, 'Kunnel White o' Kentucky, sah.' An' Petah says, 'Is you mounted?' an' de kunnel says, 'Yaas, I is, sah.' An' Sent Petah he says, 'Mighty glad to see you, kunnel. Jist tie your hoss on de outside de gate an' come right in!'"

"DOLLARS TO DOUGHNUTS"

They say that the difference between an optimist and a pessimist is this: The optimist looks on the doughnut, the pessimist looks on the hole. Well, there once was a man up in a certain town in Eastern Pennsylvania who did a very good business at the baker-trade. Everybody knew and patronized the good German baker, Hans Kitzeldorfer. Hans was industrious, frugal and thrifty, and was making money, until one unfortunate day he turned pessimist and began to look on the hole in the doughnut. The longer he looked at that hole the more he became persuaded that he could make money much more rapidly by making the holes in his celebrated brand of doughnuts larger than they had been. This happy suggestion he at once proceeded to act on, and for two years he was immensely tickled over his discovery. But by and by it seemed to him that his receipts were not as large as formerly, especially in the Doughnut Department, and he ordered an investigation, the result of which Was that he discovered that by making the holes larger he had unwittingly used more dough to go around the holes than when the holes were less in diameter, whereupon he at once restored his earlier and more profitable system--and Prosperity returned.

TWO POLITE AND SPUNKY BOYS

A German, meeting a friend on the street, asked him to come up to his house some day, he wanted to show him his two boys. "I haf," said he, "two of de finest poys vot ever vas; two very fine, polite undt spunky poys."

His friend went up to the house one day, and the two friends were sitting on the porch talking and smoking their pipes, while the two boys were playing in front of the house in the street.

"Now I vill show you," said the proud father, "vat two very fine poys I haf." And with that he called, "Poys!"

One of the little fellows looked up and promptly answered, "Sir?"

"See," said the father, "how polite. Two very polite undt spunky poys."

By and by he called out again, "Poys!" and the other little chap looked up from his play and responded, "Sir?"

Again the father proudly commended them to his companion, saying, "How polite, how polite."

A third time he ventured to put them to the test, as he said, "Just to show you vat two polite undt spunky poys I haf," and called out, "poys!"

One of the little fellows straightened himself up at this, and shaking his fist at the old man, called out:

"Look here, old man, if you don't stop your blame hollerin' at us, I'll come in there an' bust your head with a brick."

"See!" exclaimed the delighted father, "spunky, spunky! Two very polite undt spunky poys."

* * * * *

Passing by a mill-pond in winter time, and observing a parcel of boys skating right under and around a DANGER sign which had been erected there, a gentleman looked up the miller and expostulated with him for allowing it.

The miller smiled and said, "You just rest easy, my friend. It's all right. I put that danger sign there on purpose to attract the boys to that part of the pond. You see the water is only a foot deep there, but away on the other side it's twenty feet deep. If I'd a put the danger sign over there, then they'd all gone over there. So I put it over here. Catch on?"

A CRANKY COUPLE

On the way to the minister's house to be married a couple had a fall-out, and when the woman was asked: "Would she take this man for her wedded husband?" she said, "No!" And the man said, "Why--what's the matter with you?" and she said, "Well, I've taken a sudden dislike to you."

They went away without being married, but they made it all up in a few days' time and went to the minister's house again. But, when the man was asked, "Would he have this woman for his wedded wife?" he, to get even, answered, "No!" and then she said, "What's the matter with you, now?" and he said, "Oh, nothin', only I've tuk a sudden dislike to you."

They went away again, again made it up, and again came to the minister's house, rang the bell, and when the minister appeared, the man said, "Well, parson, here we are again. We'll make it good this time, sure; third time proves, you know." And the minister said "No--he guessed he didn't care to marry them." And then they both said, "Why, what's the matter with you, now?" and he said, "Well, I've taken a sudden dislike to both of you!"

SO MANY BALD HEADS

Thirty-six years after the date of the battle of Gettysburg, the veteran survivors of a Pennsylvania regiment were holding their first reunion in that celebrated town. In the forenoon they dedicated their monument on the field of "The First Day's Fight," and in the afternoon they were to hold a business meeting in the Post Room of the local G. A. R. On that day accommodations were quite inadequate in Gettysburg, and the Post Room was in consequence occupied nearly every hour of the day by some of the various organizations there assembled, so that when it came the turn of this particular regiment to occupy the room, the Seventh Pennsylvania Cavalry was still in session. They waited outside until the cavalrymen were through, and then filed in. One who was there says:

"As we went in, I noticed a man going in beside me, tall, well-formed, with a very fine head of coal-black hair, and rather the worse for drink. I wondered who he was, for I knew nearly every man in the regiment, but I couldn't place that man.

"Well, when we were all seated, and General Wister took the gavel in hand to rap to order, this black-haired man arose slowly and somewhat uncertainly, saluted and said:

"'Cap'n, before you read the minutes and proceed to business, I'd like to ask a question. What, hic, regiment is this that's holding a reunion here?'

"'The One Hundred and Fiftieth Pennsylvania, Bucktails,' answered the general with a smile.

"'Then, 'tain't the Seventh Cavalry?'

"'No. It's the One Hundred and Fiftieth.'

"The Man seemed dazed, repeated the number over and over to himself and said: 'Then I'm in the wrong box, cap'n--got left. Ever get left yourself, cap'n? Great Scott, got in the wrong box."

"Then he sat down, chuckling to himself over his adventure and muttering, 'Wrong box,' and 'Got left.'

"By and by he arose again, courteously saluted, and said:

"'Cap'n, 'scuze me--but what regiment did you say this was? How much was it?"

"'The One Hundred and Fiftieth.'

"'The One Hundred and Fiftieth--'m hic, Great Scott,' looking carefully around the room, 'a fellow'd think it was the Three Hundred and Forty-Ninth by the bald heads a-settin' around here!' And then he left, amidst roars of laughter."

WIND AND WATER

When a political stump speaker, from the wild and windy West, after a very high-falutin flight of oratory paused to gulp down two tumblers of ice-water, old Hayseed arose in one of the front benches and called out: "Well, I'll be durned if this hain't the fust time I ever see a windmill run by water."

Which goes well with what we read of a newly elected senator. He was pounding his desk and waving his arms in an impassioned appeal to the Senate.

"What do you think of him?" whispered Senator K----, of New Jersey, to the impassive Senator K----, of Pennsylvania.

"Oh, he can't help it," answered K----. "It's a birth mark."

"A--what?"

"A birth mark," repeated K----. "His mother was scared by a windmill."

THE THREE ASSES

In his "Scotch Reminiscences" Dean Ramsay relates that a certain ruling elder, by the name of David, was well known in the district as a very shrewd and ready-witted man. He received visits from many people who liked a banter or were fond of a good joke. One day three young theological students called on the old man, intending to sharpen their wits upon him and have some fun at his expense.

Said the first, "Well, Father Abraham, how are you to-day?"

"You are wrong," said the second. "This is not Father Abraham. This is Father Isaac."

"Tut," said the third, "you are both wrong. This is only Father Jacob, the originator of the twelve tribes of Israel."

The old man looked at the young chaps a moment and then said: "I am neither old Father Abraham, nor old Father Isaac, nor old Father Jacob; but I am Saul, the son of Kish, seeking his father's asses, and lo! I have found three of them!"

IN THE CLASS-ROOM

Said the professor to a student, "What is the effect of heat, and what the effect of cold?" "Heat expands, sir, and cold contracts."

"Correct. Give some illustrations." "Well," said the boy, "in the summer, when it is hot, the days are long; and in the winter, when it is cold, the days are short."

"How many sides has a circle?" "Two--the inside and the outside."

"Does an effect ever go before a cause?" "Yes, sir."

"Give an illustration." "When a man pushes a wheelbarrow----"

"That will do, sir. Next--Mr. Johnson."

* * * * *

A man who was very cross-eyed happened to put his hand into another man's pocket, and took out his watch. He told the judge that he "only wanted to know the time." And the judge said it was "Three years."

OLD MAN SNUCKLES

One night after saying her prayers before going to bed, a nine-year-old girl astonished her mother by innocently asking:

"Mother, who is Old Man Snuckles?"

"Why, my child, I never heard of a man by that name."

"Oh, yes, mother," said the child, "there must be some such man, for I pray for him every night."

"Pray for Old Man Snuckles, my child? Why, what do you mean?"

"Why, yes, mother. You know I pray for God to bless father and mother, brother and sister and 'Old Man Snuckles.' Who is he?"

Her mother saw by and by that it meant "All my aunts and uncles!"

IN SEARCH OF A RESTAURANT

Many interesting and amusing stories have been told of the late Judge Jeremiah Black, an eminent jurist and a very prominent member of President Buchanan's Cabinet. On one occasion the judge and a legal friend were coming out of the Capitol at Harrisburg, Pa. The judge was busy discussing a certain case at law in which he was interested, and his friend was very hungry. "Say, judge," said he, "let's get something to eat. I'm awful hungry." "Well," said the judge, "come on. Right down this street is a good place. I know it well." And they walked on arm in arm, the judge laying down the law as they proceeded. To the amazement of the judge they pulled up in front of an engine house!

"Oh, no," said the judge, laughing, "I've made a mistake. This isn't the place. Oh--I see. It's right up this street around the corner." Around the corner they went, walked three blocks and halted in front of a church!

Again the judge looked foolish and said: "Oh, no. This isn't the place either. Let me see. Oh--now I have it. The place I was thinking of is in--Baltimore!"

His companion groaned and made a break for the nearest hotel.

LITERATURE MADE EASY

A man wrote to the editor of a small weekly newspaper asking a very simple question: "How can I get an article into your esteemed paper?" and the cruel editor wrote in reply: "It all depends on the kind of article you want to get into our paper. If it is small in bulk, like a hair-brush or a tea-caddy, for instance, spread the paper out on the floor nice and smooth, place the article exactly in the center, neatly fold the edges over it, and tie with a string. This will keep the article from slipping out. If, on the other hand, the article is an English bath-tub or a clothes-horse, you will find one of the New York Sunday papers better suited to your purpose."

SURE CURE FOR SNORING

I was visiting my friend Nicholas von Spoopendyke over in New York. He has a splendid mansion away uptown, very handsomely furnished. One day he took me all over the house. His bedroom was beautiful indeed, all furnished with rich old mahogany polished like a looking-glass. I was admiring the bed. It was a very old "Napoleon," most finely veneered and carved, and the bed was faultlessly made up, with a spotless white counterpane, level as a board and not a wrinkle in sight. Beautiful!

"That's my white elephant," said Spoopendyke. "I always walk round it and keep my distance. When I was first married and before I knew the rules of the house, I sat down on the side of the bed to take off my shoes--once. I've never done that since. Say--that's a mighty fine bed, ain't it? For one thing, it always tells me when I'm sick. If I lay down on that bed in the day-time, and pull the white cover over me, and my wife doesn't say nothing--then I know I'm a sick man, and the doctor'll be there in twenty minutes."