Part 1

THE FUNNY BONE

SHORT STORIES AND AMUSING ANECDOTES FOR A DULL HOUR

EDITED AND ARRANGED BY HENRY MARTYN KIEFFER

Author of "The Recollections of a Drummer Boy," "It is to Laugh," etc.

NEW YORK : : : DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY 214-220 East 23d Street

Copyright, 1910, by DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY

CONTENTS

Page

A good after-dinner speech 16 Afternoon teas 174 Alexander 46 Almost won the bet 23 Any port in a storm 34 Artemus Ward at the theatre 159 Awful lot of practice, an 135 Axioms 14 Bashful bridegroom, a 84 Boo! 96 Boomerang stories 113 Brandied peaches 63 Business boy, a promising 117 Chief end of man, the 173 Clerical corkscrew, a 172 College trick, a 31 Colored apostles 94 Costly dodge, a 164 Couldn't catch up 47 Couldn't help crying 164 Cranky couple, a 69 Cure for snoring, sure 78 Deacon balked, the 180 Delirious 136 Difference without distinction, a 176 Disturbing the solemnity 49 Doing the dons 187 "Dollars to doughnuts" 66 Dutch conundrum, a 91 Eccentric great man, an 138 Echo, the 54 Epitaphs, interesting 170 Exeunt omnes 187 Extremes meet 60 Farm accidents 98 Fast train, a 167 Finally the worm turned 126 Fire screen, a 62 First class 144 Flank movement, a 102 Fool according to his folly, a 47 Forbidden fruit, the 107 Getting a wife 155 "God bless our home" 26 Go to father 169 Good ear, a 178 Great country, a 97 Hard witness, a 118 He cut it short 100 He didn't get it in the neck 117 He warned her 90 How the young idea shoots 58 How to catch a mule 58 Ill-assorted couple 41 Impossible, but funny 120 Incorrigible 91 Inquisitive boy, an 26 In search of a restaurant 76 In the class-room 74 In the way they should go 147 It wouldn't work 151 Keen cutters 108 Keeping a secret 149 Kickin', a 85 Knight errant, a 165 Knightly conundrum, a 176 Laughed it out of court 57 Left-handed compliments 139 Lincoln story, a 18 Lincoln story, another 19 Lionized 56 Literature made easy 77 Logic is logic 55 Logic of grammar, the 135 Lonely place, a 103 Louder 29 Mean company, a 131 Michael Maloney's serenade 15 Millinerymania 136 "Mounted?" 64 Names for the twins 59 Naming the apostles 109 Near the end of his journey 95 Not good looking 101 No thoroughfare 148 No water in his 128 "Old Hoss!" 48 Old Man Snuckles 75 On the point of a needle 154 One place or the other 28 Other eye, the 149 Part in the play, his 172 Pepper-sauce 27 Poor business location, a 81 Poor, the 36 Prayer that was answered, a 25 Price of a dog, the 104 Protecting the minister 182 Punishment made sure 83 Pure Scotch 124 Rabbits enough 94 Raising Cain 129 Rear guard, the 112 Rest and a change, a 140 Right-of-way, the 179 Rough on the deacon 93 Rural justice 121 Same old kind, the 141 Sanctum, the 156 Sharp reproof, a 150 Sharpening their wits 41 She came to his aid 161 She dried up 20 Shrewd selection, a 177 Shy boarder, the 176 Slow coach, a 168 Snolligoster, the 39 So many bald heads 70 She spoiled the poetry 171 Strongest man, the 42 Stutterers, the 44 Sudden rise, a 48 Sure thing, a 133 Tact and no tact 52 Tale of a sausage, a 82 Technique 51 Temperance a hundred years ago 37 Thackeray and the oyster 166 That terrible infant 22 Three asses, the 73 Timely answer, a 21 Too young 80 Tough goose-yarn, a 142 Turkey was tame, the 112 Two polite and spunky boys 67 Unanimous action 174 Use of riches 24 Very good investment, a 34 Walla Walla! 183 What the statute did not say 17 "Who'd 'a' bin 'er?" 147 Why he was a democrat 125 Why the Hawkeye man couldn't pay 105 Why they married 42 Wicked parrot, the 185 Wind and water 72 Wonderful climate, a 99 Yankees, the-- 38

"Laugh and grow fat is a saying of old, Whether or no 'tis a cause of obesity, This much I know that the physical man Laughter demands as a kind of necessity. Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! Laughter demands as a kind of necessity." --_Old Song._

AXIOMS

Tew brake a mule--commence at his head.

In shooting at a deer that looks like a calf, always aim so as to miss it if it iz a calf, and to hit it if it iz a deer.

Tew git rid of cock-roaches--sell yure house, and lot, and flee tew the mountains.

Tew pick out a good husband--shut up both eyes, grab hard, and trust in the Lord.

There ain't nothing that iz a sure kure for laziness, but i hav known a second wife tew hurry it sum.

_Josh Billings Allminax._

Michael Maloney's Serenade

Oh, Nora McCune! Is it draimin' ye are? Is it wakin' or shleepin' ye be? 'Tis the dark of the moon An' there's niver a star To watch if ye're peepin' at me. Throw opin yer blind, shweet love, if ye're there; An' if ye are not, plaze be shpakin'; An' if ye're inclined, ye might bring yer guitah, An' help me, me darlint to wakin'.

I am lonely! Ahone! An' I'm Michael Maloney, Awakin' shweet Nora McCune. For, love, I'm alone, An' here's Larrie Mahoney, An' Dinnis O'Rouk an' Muldoon. I've brought them to jine in the song I'll be singin'; For, Nora, shweet Nora McCune,

Ye've shtarted me heart-strings so loudly to ringin', One person can't carry the chune!

But don't be unaisy, Me darlint, for fear Our saicrit of love should be tould. Mahoney is crazy, An' Dinnis can't hear; Muldoon is struck dum wid a could. Their backs are all facin' the window, me dear; An' they've shworn by the horn of the moon That niver a note of me song will they hear That refers to shweet Nora McCune.

A GOOD AFTER-DINNER SPEECH

It was his first banquet, and they were making speeches. Everybody was being called on for a speech, and he was in mortal terror, for he had never made a speech in his life. An old-timer at his side cruelly suggested that he "get under the table--or say a prayer." His name was called and he got up with fear and trembling, and said:

"My friends, I never made a speech in all my life, and I'm just scared nearly to death. A friend here beside me has suggested two things for me to do--to get under the table, or to pray. Well, I couldn't get under the table without observation, and now that I am on my feet, I can't think of any other prayer to say except one that I used to hear my sister Mary say in the morning when mother called us--'O Lord, how I do hate to get up!'"

WHAT THE STATUTE DID NOT SAY

When Benjamin F. Butler lived in Lowell, Massachusetts, he had a little black-and-tan dog. One morning, as he was coming down the street, followed by the dog, a policeman stopped him and told him that, in accordance with an ordinance just passed, he must muzzle the dog.

"Very well," said Butler.

Next morning he came along with the dog, and the policeman again told him of the muzzling ordinance and requested him to muzzle the dog.

"All right," snorted Butler. "It is a fool ordinance, but I'll muzzle him. Let me pass."

Next morning the policeman was on the lookout. "I beg your pardon, General," he said, "but I must arrest you. Your dog is not muzzled."

"Not muzzled?" shouted Butler. "Not muzzled? Well, look at him."

The policeman looked more carefully at the dog and found a tiny, toy muzzle tied to its tail.

"General," he expostulated, "this dog is not properly muzzled."

"Yes, he is, sir," asserted Butler. "Yes, he is. I have examined that idiotic statute and I find it says that every dog must wear a muzzle. It doesn't say where the dog shall wear the muzzle, and I choose to decorate the tail of my dog instead of the head with this infernal contraption."

A LINCOLN STORY

"One day," said General Howard, "Mr. Lincoln saw Senator Fessenden coming toward his office room. Mr. Fessenden had received the promise of some appointment in Maine for one of his constituents. The case had been overlooked. As soon as Mr. Lincoln caught sight of the Senator he saw he was angry, and called out: 'Say, Fessenden, aren't you an Episcopalian?' Mr. Fessenden, somewhat taken aback, answered, 'Yes, I belong to that persuasion, Mr. President.' Mr. Lincoln then said, 'I thought so. You swear so much like Seward. Seward is an Episcopalian. But, you ought to hear Stanton swear. He can beat you both. He is a Presbyterian.'"

ANOTHER LINCOLN STORY

Some one once called on President Lincoln during the war to suggest some change of command for General B----, who did not seem to do well as a commander anywhere. "Well," said Mr. Lincoln, "that's so. General B----doesn't fit in well anywhere. He reminds me of an experience I once had with a piece of iron I found while at work in the woods. I thought it would make a good axe-head, and took it to a blacksmith. 'Yes,' said he, 'it'll make a good axe.' So he put it into the fire, made it red-hot and pounded away on it on his anvil. After hammering it a good while, he stopped and said, 'No, it won't make an axe, but I tell you, it'll make a mighty good clevis.' So I told him to make a clevis out of it. Then he heated it again, and again pounded away at it a great while, and then stopped and looked at it and said, 'No, it won't make a clevis neither. But,' said he, holding it red-hot in his pincers over his tub of water, 'I'll tell you what it will make. It will make a blame' good fizzle.' And here he dropped it into the tub--and it fizzled."

SHE DRIED UP

The occupants of a Pullman sleeper were diligently trying to get some rest, but could not. There was a very thirsty woman in one of the berths who kept the whole car awake by her perpetual song of--"Oh, I am so dry. I am so dry. My, but I am dry. Dear me, what shall I do? I am so dry."

"Hello, Porter!" at last sang out a gentleman across the way, "For Heaven's sake give that woman some ice water, and plenty of it. I want to get some sleep."

The Porter brought a glass of water. He brought a second glass. She drank them both--and took up her song afresh--

"My, but I was dry. I was so dry. I never was so dry in all my life. Dear me, but I was dry."

"Oh, Great Scott, woman," sang out the man across the way, "dry up, and let me sleep!"

A TIMELY ANSWER

In the good old days of the rod of birch a Philadelphia school teacher was very partial to one of his boys, and very severe to another. One day they were both tardy. Rod in hand he called them both up on the floor. "James, my boy," said he to the favorite regretfully, but kindly, "why were you late to-day?" "You see, sir," replied James, "I was asleep, sir, and I dreamed I was going to California, and I was down on the wharf, and I thought the school-bell was the bell of the steamboat." "That will do, my boy," said the teacher, glad of an excuse to shield his favorite, "always tell the truth, my boy. And now, sir," said he to the other sternly, "and where were you?" "You, see, sir," said the other candidly, "I was down on the wharf waitin' to see Jim off!"

THAT TERRIBLE INFANT

Annie had a beau. She also had a small brother of the proverbially troublesome age of five. One day at the dinner table they were teasing Annie about Mr. Lovejoy--that was the beau's name--and Annie declared that she didn't like him one bit, and said moreover that Mr. Lovejoy "had a soft spot in his head." That called off the dogs, for a time at least, but her brother Bobbie took note.

The next evening Mr. Lovejoy called to see Annie. They were both in the parlor. He was sitting on the sofa, and she occupied a chair on the other side of the room. Bobbie strolled into the room, climbed up on the sofa and began a very diligent examination of Mr. Lovejoy's head. He felt all over it, and looked puzzled. Mr. Lovejoy was puzzled likewise, and at length said, "Why, Bobbie, what are you examining my head for? Are you studying phrenology?" "No," said the boy, "Sister Annie says you have a soft spot on your head somewhere, and I was just trying to find it!"

They made it up somehow, and Mr. Lovejoy began to call again, evidently with better results. For, one rainy day the father of the household was looking everywhere in the hall for his umbrella. "Where's my umbrella, Annie?" asked he. "I believe somebody has carried it off." And Bobbie said, "Annie's beau stole it." And Annie said, "Bobbie! how dare you say such a thing of Mr. Lovejoy?" And Bobbie said, "I know he did, because when he was giving you good-night at the hat-rack last night, I heard him say as plain as could be, 'I'm going to steal just one!'"

ALMOST WON THE BET

Two Irish hod-carriers were arguing about their ability to carry their hods safely to the top of a high building. One said he could carry a tumbler of water on top of his load without spilling a drop. And Pat said, "Ach! a tumbler of water! Why, Mike, I could carry you in my hod to the top of this ten-story buildin' without spillin' you." And Mike said, "I bet you tin dollars you can't." "Done!" said Pat. "Get into my hod."

Mike got in, and up Pat went quickly and safely until he came to the sixth floor, when all of a sudden his foot slipped off the rung of the ladder and his hod pitched, threatening to deposit its cargo on the sidewalk seventy-five feet below. But with a mighty effort he steadied himself, grasped his hod tight and proceeded to the top safely, where he deposited Mike on the floor of the scaffolding with, "There, Mike, I've won the bet. Out wid yer tin dollars." "Sure, ye did, Pat," said Mike, "the tin is yours, but whin ye got to the sixth flure, an' stoombled--be gob, I thought I had ye!"

THE USE OF RICHES

In a sleeping car one morning not long ago a Vermont man was accosted by his neighbor opposite, who was putting on his shoes, with the inquiry: "My friend, allow me to inquire, are you a rich man?" The Vermonter looked astonished, but answered the pleasant-faced, tired-looking gentleman with a "Yes, I am tolerably rich." A pause occurred, and then came another question, "How rich are you?" He answered, "Oh--about seven or eight hundred thousand. Why?" "Well," said the weary-looking old man, "if I were as rich as you say you are, and went traveling, and snored as loud as I know you do, I'd hire a whole sleeper all for myself every time I went traveling."

A PRAYER THAT WAS ANSWERED

An old darkey who was asked if in his experience prayer was ever answered, replied: "Well, sah, some pra'rs is ansud an' some isn't--'pends on what yo' asks fo'? Jest arter de wah, w'en it was mighty hard scratchin' fo' de cullud brudren, I 'bsarved dat w'enebber I pway de Lo'd to sen' one o' Massa Peyton's fat turkeys fo' de ole man, dere was no notice took o' de partition; but--w'en I pway dat he would sen' de ole man fo' de turkey, de ting was 'tended to befo' sunup nex' mornin' dead sartain."

GOD BLESS OUR HOME

A lonely traveler on horseback, riding through a dreary section of the far West, eagerly scanned the horizon for some signs of a human habitation. At last away in the distance he spied a cabin, put his horse to a trot, only to find the house deserted. Nailed on the front door was a sheet of paper on which he read the following pathetic story:

Five miles from water.

Ten miles from timber.

A hundred miles from a neighbor.

A hundred and fifty miles from a post office.

Two hundred and fifty from a railroad.

God bless our home!

We have gone East to spend the winter with my wife's folks.

AN INQUISITIVE BOY

Bobbie was taken to church for the first time, and his dear Aunt Lou, who took him there, "just wondered how he would behave." She soon discovered, for Bobbie was no sooner seated in the pew than he observed a very bald-headed man two seats to the front, and exclaimed in a loud whisper which set everybody smiling, "Oh, Aunt Lou! there's a man with a skinned head!" Aunt Lou's face was crimson, and she shook him, but it did little good, for when the minister took his place in the chancel, the boy remarked, "Another man with a skinned head!" Things were getting uncomfortable, and reached their climax when the boy, seeing the choir up in the gallery, called out, "Oh, Aunt Lou! what are all those people doing up there on the mantel-piece?"

PEPPER-SAUCE