The Complete Works of Josh Billings

"I kant see what makes the cockroaches so stuck up, i met one this morning, and before i could put two civil questions at him he was out ov sight!

I kant tell what the Sandy Hill crane waz made for, and it aint none ov mi bizzness--even a crane from Sandy Hill kan fill hiz destiny, and praize God loafing along the banks ov...

They will harvest a dozen ov yung chickens for yu, and then steal into the sitting room, az softly az an undertaker, and lay themselfs down on the rug, at yure feet, full ov inj...

Every man haz a right to pick hiz playmates, but az for me, i had rather visit knee deep among cockroaches than to hear the dieing embers ov a single muskeeter's song in the roo...

"_Son_, i hav ben tew blame thus far in frameing yure timber, but yu kan bet them pattent leather boots yu hav got on, and witch haint bin paid for yet, that from now hereafter...

He haz been bizzy at work for the last 4 thousand years trieing tew bild perpetual moshun, and haz cum within 3 quarters ov an inch ov it sevral times, but alwus slips up jist a...

Ennyboddy who haz ever looked a coon, right square in the face, will bet yu a dollar, that he iz a dead beat, or under five hundred dollar bonds, not tew go into the bizzness, f...

Cunning men are sure tew git kaught at last, and when they are kaught they are like a fox in a trap, about the sylliest looking fox yu ever see.

This smell iz less popular, in the fashionable world, than lubins extrakt, but the day may cum when it will be bottled up like musk, and sold for 87 1-2 cents per bottle; bottle...

Cunning iz not an evidence ov wisdom, but iz prima facie evidence ov the want of it. If we were wize enuff tew ketch a fox bi argument, we shouldn't hav to set a trap for him.

Whi iz it that we despize the man who puts himself in our power, and are quite az apt to respekt him just in proporshun az he iz out of our reach.

Human knowledge is very short, and don't reach but a little ways, and even that little ways iz twilite; but faith lengthens out the road, and makes it light, so that we kan see...

Thare are hotels that are a joy upon earth, where a man pays hiz bill az cheerfully az he did the parson who married him, whare yu kant find the landlord unless yu hunt in the k...

I aint so anxious about it on mi own ackount, for i kan manage tew worry along sumhow without it, but what iz a going tew bekum ov the grate mass ov suffering humanity?

It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner than words.--Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense.--It ma...

I never knew but one infidel in mi life, and he had no more courage than a haff drowned kitten jist pulled out ov a swill barrel, and waz az afraid tew die az the devil would be...

"_Ram's Horn._"--A spiral root, that emerges suddenly from the figure hed ov the maskuline sheep, and ramafies untill it reaches a tip end. Ram's horns are alwus a sure sighn ov...

It iz a lucky thing that epitaffs dont appear on a man's tumestun untill he haz gone dead. If they were published while he waz living, what an insult most ov them would be tew h...

Thare iz menny a person who kan set a mouse-trap tew perfeckshun, but not satisfied with sich small game, undertake tew trap for bears, and git ketched bi the bears. MORAL: stud...

Docktor Magnum worked in physick about 46 years after the landing ov the pilgrims, on Mount Arryrat, and i presume iz now fully dead, and gone, or too old for a full days work.

I dont kno whether meddo moles are an accredited artikle ov diet or not, i never hav seen their names registered on enny bill of fare, in our grate hotels spelt in english, but...

Yu kan alwus tell one ov theze kind ov men, espeshily if they are in the company ov their wives. They look az humble and resighned tew their fate az a hen turkey in a wet day.

The pedigree that we receive from our ansestors iz like the money we receive from them, we are not expekted tew liv on the principle, but on the accumulashun, and transmit the p...

In life matrimonial we hav the conjugaler _Bend_, which brings a man down on the hard pan ov hiz knees, and makes him az eazy, and interesting tew handle as a rat in a steel trap.

If all the vanity should leave this world, haff the virtew would go with it; thare iz no telling how menny ov us are simply proud ov our various virtews.

I kan sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars, a pallas, a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks ov the Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land is lu...

"This is a glorious country! It has longer rivers and more of them, and they are muddier and deeper, and run faster, and rise higher, and make more noise, and fall lower, and do...

Mi private opinyun ov Adam iz--that without enny experience at all, in running the machine, he dun jist as well as the man ov to-day would do, let him step into Paradise to-morrow.

After the minutes of the last meeting had been read and approved, each "Owl," as is their custom, lit his cigar, shook out his feathers, and story-telling commenced, the Preside...

The _Anonymous Man_ boards at a red tavern, and pays for hiz board bi tending bar occasionly. He hain't got any more karakter than the jack ov spades haz, when it ain't trumps.

Thare waz one thing that happened tew me, while here, that will last me for mi lifetime, and when i git through with it will do to hand down tew mi posteritys without the danger...

A "showman," as well as an author, _Josh Billings_ is now regarded in the cities of the Union. In England we would style him a facetious lecturer, but the lecturing business in...

They won't bight at a hook, and are a lazy set ov vagrants, emigrating in the spring ov the year, out ov muddy mill ponds, up sluggish streams, into the country.

The weird spelling in this book is mostly intentional, and it has been retained as in the original, this includes inconsistencies in spelling and hyphenation. A few changes to w...