Part 1

Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE

The weird spelling in this book is mostly intentional, and it has been retained as in the original, this includes inconsistencies in spelling and hyphenation. A few changes to which seemed more likely typographic errors have been made, they are listed at the end of the book.

Titles in the Table ov Kontents do not always correspond exactly to the titles in the main text, this has been retained, but the spelling has been changed in some cases to match the text. Some texts, near the end of the book are printed with no title in the original, this has been maintained too. The List of Illustrations contains some entries for non-existing (in this edition, at least) illustrations and the numbering is not consecutive, this reproduces the printed book as well.

The original printed book was apparently divided into large "sections", which were marked only as running page headers. In this version the titles for these sections are written between {braces} where they start.

PUBLISHERS' ANNOUNCEMENT.

Among the many humorists of America, not one is better known, or more readily accorded a high rank by the public, than Henry W. Shaw (Josh Billings). No writer of the present age is so universally quoted from as he. His name is familiar to every tongue, and scarcely a paper in the country appears without more or less space devoted to the sayings of "Josh Billings." His ready pen seems adapted to all subjects, and he is equally at home, whether writing on the gravest or the most trivial matters.

PUNGENCY, BREVITY, AND QUAINTNESS

seem to be prominent characteristics of his productions, while a fountain of the richest wit supplies his pen with humor, and its waters sparkle and glimmer like diamonds upon the paper, as he traces thereon his description of objects in his undisputably original style. His jokes are always clear and perceptible, and his satire, pointed and keen, invariably strikes home.

As laughter is conducive to health, and as nothing is learned so easily and remembered so tenaciously as that with which something pleasant is connected, this volume will prove doubly advantageous, as it consists of matter in which wit and wisdom are so equally mingled, that the reader will rise from its perusal undecided whether he has gained most by its reading, bodily health, or general knowledge.

Thousands are eager to place upon their tables and in their libraries a volume which will be a fair specimen of the writings of this great American humorist, and the publishers of this book take great pleasure in being able to offer them an opportunity to gratify so laudable a desire.

THE COMPLETE WORKS OF JOSH BILLINGS, (HENRY W. SHAW.)

WITH ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS BY THOMAS NAST AND OTHERS, AND A BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION. REVISED EDITION.

NEW YORK: G. W. DILLINGHAM CO., Publishers. MDCCCXCIX.

COPYRIGHT, 1876, BY G. W. CARLETON & CO.

_Josh Billings._

TO FRANCIS S. STREET, and FRANCIS S. SMITH [EDITORS AND PROPRIETORS OF "THE NEW YORK WEEKLY."] MY PATRONS AND FRIENDS, THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED.

NEW YORK, 1873. JOSH BILLINGS.

TABLE OV KONTENTS.

Page. 1 Kontentment 33 2 Marriage 36 3 Fashion's Prayer 38 4 The Bizzy Body 40 5 Fastidiousness 42 6 Love 43 7 Fear 44 8 Buty 45 9 Faith 46 10 Branes 47 11 Spring and Biles 48 12 Tight Boots 50 13 The Lam and the Dove 52 14 The Duv 55 15 The Old Bachelor 57 16 Horns 59 17 Kissing 62 18 About Pharming 65 19 Questions and Answers 68 20 Whissling 69 21 Hotels 72 22 Laffing 75 23 Hoss Sense 78 24 Silence 79 25 Bravery 80 26 Dispatch 81 27 Pik out a Wife 82 28 Watermellons 83 29 Pik out a Dog 84 30 Pik out a Kat 86 31 Lost Arts 86 32 To Komic Lekturers 89 33 Fashion 92 34 Fun 93 35 Fret 94 36 Fury 94 37 Fits 95 38 Fuss 95 39 Fellow 96 40 Flunkey 96 41 Finis 96 42 Nu Foundland and Tarrier 97 43 The Rat Tarrier 99 44 The Monkey 100 45 The Pissmire 103 46 The Pole Kat 104 47 The Weazel 105 48 Angle Worms 107 49 The Mouse 108 50 The Yaller Dog 110 51 Roosters 113 52 The Fox 115 53 Aunt and Grasshopper 118 54 A Hen 120 55 The Gote 124 56 Goose Talk 126 57 The Clam 128 58 Snails 128 59 Striped Snake 129 60 Babys 130 61 The Crab 132 62 Essa on Swine 132 63 Cat and Kangaroo 133 64 The Codfish 136 65 The Mackrel 137 66 The Pollywogg 137 67 The Bull Head 138 68 Mudturkles 139 69 The Fly 140 70 The Crow 143 71 The Bumble Bee 144 72 The Robbing 145 73 The Swallo 146 74 The Bat 146 75 The Hawk 147 76 The Meddo Mole 148 77 The Possum 149 78 The Cursid Musketo 151 79 The Hornet 154 80 The Rabbit 157 81 The Poodle 158 82 The Patridge 159 83 The Snipe 160 84 The Cockroach 160 85 The Mule 163 86 Bed Bugs 164 87 The Flea 165 88 Not enny Shanghi 166 89 The Aunt 169 90 The Adder 172 91 The Striped Snaik 172 92 The Blue Racer 174 93 The Blak Snaik 174 94 The Milk Snaik 175 95 Raccoon and Pettyfogger 176 96 The Duk 179 97 The Turkey 180 98 The Hosstritch 181 99 The Parrot 182 100 The Bobalink 182 101 The Eagle 183 102 Natral History 183 103 Kats 186 104 The Hum Bugg 187 105 The Bugg Bear 189 106 The Game Chicken 190 107 The Duk 190 108 Sandy Hill Crane 192 109 The Rattlesnaix 193 110 The Hoop Snaik 194 111 The Anakondy 195 112 The Garter Snaix 195 113 The Eel Snaik 196 114 See Sarpent Snaix 196 115 Kopper-hed Snaix 197 116 The Blujay 198 117 The Quail 199 118 The Patridge 199 119 The Woodkok 200 120 The Guina Hen 200 121 The Goslin 201 122 The Grub 202 123 The Lady Bug 203 124 The Tree-Tud 204 125 The Porkupine 204 126 Devil's Darning Needle 205 127 Ramrods 206 128 Lobstir Sallad 209 129 Mollassis Kandy 211 130 Puddin & Milk 215 131 Plum Pits 217 132 Chips 221 133 Koarse Shot 223 134 Slips of the Pen 226 135 Glass Dimonds 228 136 Jews Harps 231 137 Tadpoles 233 138 Pepper Pods 237 139 Hooks & Eyes 240 140 Jaw Bones 244 141 Ods and Ens 245 142 Fust Impreshuns 249 143 Plum Pits 252 144 Gnats 255 145 Kindling Wood 256 146 Phish Bawls 260 147 Stray Children 264 148 Ink Brats 269 149 Lightning Bugs 272 150 Parboils 275 151 Nest Eggs 277 152 Chicken Feed 280 153 Hard Tack 283 154 Sollum Thoughts 286 155 Ink Lings 288 156 Embers on the Harth 292 157 Hot Korn 294 158 Foundlings 298 159 Dried Fruit 300 160 Remnants 301 161 Remarks 303 162 Saws 306 163 Remarks 309 164 Nosegays 311 165 Shooting Stars 316 166 The Interviewer 320 167 The Musk Rat 322 168 The Mink 323 169 Distrikt Schoolmaster 324 170 The Pompous Man 326 171 The One Idea Man 327 172 The Happy Man 327 173 The Henpecked Man 328 174 The Officious Man 328 175 The Phunny Man 329 176 The Cheeky Man 329 177 The Live Man 330 178 The Fault-Finder 331 179 The Border Injun 332 180 The Cunning Man 336 181 The Loafer 341 182 The Projector 342 183 The Kondem Phool 343 The Precise Man 344 184 The Obtuse Man 345 185 The Posatiff Man 346 186 The Cross Man 347 187 The Pashunt Man 347 188 The Funny Man 347 189 The Honest Man 348 190 The Square Man 348 191 The Oblong Man 349 192 The Perpindiklar Man 350 193 The Limber Man 350 194 The Jolly Man 350 195 The Pewter Man 351 196 The Fiteing Man 351 197 The Precise Man 352 198 Coquett and Prude 353 199 The Effeminate Man 356 200 The Jealous Man 357 201 The Anonymous Man 357 202 The Stiff Man 357 203 The Model Man 358 204 The Neat Person 359 205 John Bascomb 361 206 Elizibeth Meachem 364 207 Good Rezolushuns 366 208 My Fust Gong 369 209 Korn 370 210 Advertizement 372 211 Tew Lectur Kommittys 373 212 Letter to Farmers 376 213 A Tempranse Klub 377 214 The Proverbial Pig 380 215 Sowing Sosiety Address 381 216 The Fust Baby 383 217 Billings under Oath 383 218 At Niagra Falls 386 219 Negro and Trout 390 220 Dandy and Thimble-Rigger 393 221 Long Branch 396 222 Billiards 400 223 Habits of Grate Men 401 224 Insures his Life 403 225 Tew pick out a Hoss 404 226 Agrikultural Hoss-Trott 407 227 Oats 409 228 Pashunce ov Job 413 229 The Game of Yewker 415 230 Beer 416 231 Laughing 418 232 The Advent No. 2. 419 233 Questions and Answers 422 234 Saratoga and Lake George 424 235 Sum Vegetabel History 428 236 New Ashford 428 237 Bends 432 238 Koliding 434 239 At Short Range 438 240 Beau Bennet 440 241 To Male Young Men 442 242 Female Remarks 445 243 Private Opinyuns 447 244 On Courting 451 245 Nuzepaper Tatlings 452 246 Mounts a Velocipede 456 247 The Rase Koarse 458 248 Billings Lexicon 462 249 Owly 465 250 Pordunk Village 468 251 4 Letters 472 252 Settles with Correspondents 475 253 A Loose Epistle 477 254 Short Replys 480 255 Wimmins Rights 483 256 Dog Talk 487 258 Short but Sweet 490 259 Josh Replies 494 260 Hair Oil Man 497 261 The Gassy Man 500 262 The Sharp Man 501 263 The Lazy Man 502 264 The Nervous Man 502 265 The Dignified Man 503 266 The Weak Man 504

THE END.

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.

Page. 1 Steel Portrait 1 2 Darwin & Whiskey 11 3 Essays 33 4 Perfectly Satisfied 34 5 Fashuns Prayer 40 6 Fastidiousness 43 7 Biles 50 8 The Lam & Duv 54 9 In a horn 60 10 Connubial Bliss 64 11 Horace Greeley 65 12 Whissling 70 13 An Oration 78 14 Esops Jackass 83 15 Comik Lekture 90 16 Fuss & Feathers 93 17 Animated Natur 97 18 A newfoundland Dog 98 19 The Pole Kat 104 20 A Yaller Dog 111 21 A Sly Fox 117 22 A phool of a hen 123 23 Goose talk 127 24 Spice-box 129 25 Cat and Kangaroo 134 26 Annimated Natur 136 27 The Fly 140 28 A nightmare 145 29 The Musketo 152 30 The Rabbit 157 31 The Mule 163 32 The Shanghi 167 33 Snaix 173 34 Publik Institutions 174 35 Feathered ones 179 36 Kats 186 37 The Game Chicken 190 38 More Snaix 194 39 The Blujay 198 40 Vermin 203 41 Affurisms 206 42 Ramrods 207 43 Molasis Kandy 212 44 Christmas Pie 218 45 Koarse Shot 223 46 Glass Dimonds 229 47 Tadpoles 234 48 Hooks & Eyes 241 49 A Musical Duett 244 50 Odds & Ends 246 51 First Impressions 249 52 Voting 253 53 The World on fire 257 54 Stray Children 264 55 Lightning bugs 272 56 Nest Eggs 278 58 Hard tack 284 59 Ink-lings 289 60 Hot Korn 295 61 Remnants 302 62 Saws 306 63 Nosegays 312 64 Shooting stars 317 66 The Interviewer 321 67 The Yankee 327 68 Spinsters 332 69 Injuns 335 70 Frequent Kritters 341 71 Peculiar ones 349 72 Coquet & prude 354 73 The neat Person 360 74 John Bascomb 362 76 Good Rezolushuns 367 77 Korns 371 78 Lektur Committees 374 79 Temperance Klub 378 80 Pordunk Sowing Society 382 81 A Bookeeper 384 82 Takes a drink 392 83 At Long Branch 397 84 Grate men 401 86 The Hoss 405 87 A hoss-laff 410 88 Mi Washerwoman 414 89 Beer 417 90 Science 420 91 Long Branch 425 92 Tadpoles 431 93 Tew late 435 95 Skating akcident 437 96 At Prayers 441 97 Tew mutch whiskey 443 98 Private opinions 448 99 Latest news 453 100 The Races 459 101 Spinning Yarns 466 102 Pordunk Churchyard 469 103 To Correspondents 472 104 Letter boxes 473 105 Hiz Washerwoman 478 106 Wimmins Rongs 483 107 Meeting a Bear 488 108 Among Beasts 490 109 Hotel Porter 494 113 A Domestik Scene 498 124 Democratic Orator 500 129 Suicide 504

BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION. ADAPTED FROM THE LONDON EDITION.

In the United States of America a "show" is the generic name comprising every description of entertainment, being equally applied to an equestrian performance, a dramatic company, an operatic concert, a political oration, or a lecture on the geology of the oil district of Pennsylvania. A few years ago, when I did not know America quite so well as I do now, I was asked by Mr. Barnum to meet him on a matter of business at his celebrated Museum on Broadway. Every one who has visited New York and called in at that strangely-jumbled exhibition, will remember a small room on the first landing, with "Mr. Barnum--Private" painted on the door. I don't know whether any show-case in the Museum was as attractive to the crowds of country visitors as that little room proved to be. Though privacy was written on the post, publicity was ever peeping in at the door. Shrewd, astute, and _rusA(C)_ as Barnum is, none knew better than he that the greatest object of interest in the Museum was himself. Hence he arranged to have his private room immediately in front of the public staircase, with the door always a little open, to pique curiosity, unless really important business required absolute seclusion. In this room, or rather in this glass-case, for its three sides were of glass, like the cases containing the wax-figures and the stuffed animals, Barnum and I met. He conversed about different speculations he had on hand, and various ideas which he wished to carry out. Some of them were very characteristic of the man and his spirit of enterprise. One, was to organize an expedition to the mouth of Davis's Straits at the proper season, select a very large iceberg, bring it down in the tow of two or three steamers to New York Bay, put a floating fence around it, exhibit the iceberg at twenty-five cents admission, and realize a large profit by making and vending sherry cobblers with ice from the real iceberg! Another idea suggested by the man of many shows was to get the American Minister at the Court of Constantinople to apply to the Sultan for a firman to permit Barnum or his agent to visit the mosque at Hebron, traditionally asserted to be built over the Cave of Machpelah, in which the remains of the patriarchs were buried. "If we could only get the remains of Abraham and bring them to New York!" exclaimed the _deus ex machinAc_ of the Museum, rubbing his hands with delight at the ingenuity of the thought. Then, after a moment's reflection, and knowing me to be well acquainted with England, he remarked, inquiringly, "What do you think of Spurgeon for a show? Could he be got over here?" To me unused as I then was to American can manners, the association of a clergyman with Bartlemy Fair and Barnum's Museum seemed ludicrously incongruous. Subsequently my experience taught me to believe that some of the preachers of the United States look at their position from the same point of view as did Mr. Barnum in wishing to speculate in Spurgeon.