Part 23

Yu kan alwus tell one ov theze kind ov men, espeshily if they are in the company ov their wives. They look az humble and resighned tew their fate az a hen turkey in a wet day.

Thare aint nothing that will take the starch out ov a man like being pecked by a woman. It is wuss than a seven months' turn ov the fever and agy.

The wives ov hen-pecked husbands most alwus out liv their viktims, and I hav known them tew git marrid agin, and git hold ov a man that time (_thank the Lord!_) who understood all the hen-peck dodges.

One ov these kind ov husbands iz an honor tew his sex.

The hen-pecked man, when he gits out amungst men, puts on an air ov bravery and defiance, and once in a while will git a leetle drunk, and then go home with a firm resolve that he will be captain ov his household; but the old woman soon takes the glory out ov him, and handles him just az she would a haff-grown chicken, who had fell into the swill barrel, and had tew be jerked out dredful quick.

THE OFFICIOUS MAN.

The officious man stands around rubbing his hands, anxious for a job.

He seems tew ake for sumthing tew do, and if he gits snubbed in one place, it don't seem tew diskourage him, but like the fly, he lights on another.

The officious man iz az free from malice as a young pup, who, if he kant do anything else, iz reddy tew lay down in front of yu and be stept on.

Theze kind ov men spend their whole lives trieing tew make friends ov all, and never succeed with any.

There iz a kind ov officious man, who iz only prompted bi his vanity, hiz anxiety tew be useful tew others don't arise from enny goodness ov heart, but simply from a desire ov stiking hiz noze into things.

Theze kind ov individuals are supremely disgusting.

The officious man iz generally ov no use whatever tew himself, and a nusance tew everyboddy else.

I don't know ov but phew more unfortunit disposishuns than the officious mans, for even in its very best phase, it seldom suckceedes in gitting paid for its labors with common politeness.

THE PHUNNY MAN.

Thare iz hardly ennything that a man iz so vain ov az the humor that iz in him.

The _phunny man_ iz seldum an humorist, and never a wit.

Hiz only pride iz tew make you laff; he seldum rizes abuv a jest, and very often iz the only one who kan see enny point even in that.

He iz generally the hero ov the ockashun in the rural distrikts, and kuntry bumbkins laff obstreprous whenever he opens his mouth.

The phunny man iz the clown at large, and hiz jests are sumtimes amuzing, but never remembered.

Thare iz seldum enny taint ov originality in him, and the quips and the quirks he deals in are old saws reset and refiled, and bad enuff done at that.

It iz a dredful unfortunit thing tew deal in cast oph jokes; for, like the old clothes bizzness, they will stick tew a man all thru life.

THE CHEEKY MAN.

Impudence, or sumthing like it, iz the leading trait in most suckcessful mens karakters.

All the nice things that hav bin sed in favour ov modesty, fail tew stand the test when brought into the pull and haul of every-day life.

Bold assurance, while it may often disgust us; will win 9 times out ov 10.

We all ov us praze the modest, but our praze iz only a kind ov pitty, and pitty will ruin enny man.

Enny man will liv four times az long on abuse, and git phatt, az he will on pitty.

Thare iz now and then a man who iz modest, but intensely in earnest, and sutch men sweep everything before them.

The karakter ov the modest man iz a good thing, and a butiful thing tew frame and hang up in a private apartment, but experience teaches us that if we wait for our turn in this world, _our turn_ never seems tew come round.

The cheeky man never enjoys thoze delightful sensations which arize from having yielded tew others; hiz logick iz that the arly bird gits the worm, and, regardless ov all delikasy, he goze for the worm.

Thare seems tew be nothing now daze that will warrant sukcess like cheek, and the more cheek the better, even if you hav az mutch as a mule.

THE LIVE MAN.

The _Live Man_ iz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins tew root arly.

He iz the pepper-sass ov creation--the all-spice ov the world.

One _Live Man_ in a village is like a case ov itch in a distrikt skool--he sets evry boddy scratching at onst.

A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month ov January, thru a half inch augur-hole, and sing "Home! sweet home!" while the molasis iz running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this climate.

The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar--he iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.

He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew spare than a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons.

He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at least 18 months each year.

He is like a runaway hoss; he gits the whole ov the road.

He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze everyboddy else duz.

The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions, just as the frog duz, and don't alwus land at the spot he is looking at.

He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has done more (with charcoal) tew work out the greatness of this country than any other man in it.

He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree.

He don't alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss.

THE FAULT-FINDER.

Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov human critters are alwuss full ov self consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old-bachelor, for instanze, odars a pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the trane, and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don't believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus it under protess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing, and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I never maik their ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sumboddy's small pox, bekause i am a looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder! if yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and if yu jine in with them yu onla maik them mad with them selfs.

I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good luk. The more i think ov it, the more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much like bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny eels.

Thare are many singular beins in this world, but i fancy the singularest are the spinsters.

JOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN.

Yu inform me, mi dear sir, that yu are a member ov the sosiety "for the prevenshun ov kruelty tew animiles."

Allow me tew simpathize with yu, bi saying, that i am glad ov it.

It iz a nobel institushun, and stands _ahed_ ov the prevenshun ov kruelty tew humans.

It iz a fakt, that thoze who are kind tew animiles, are kind tew humans.

I am not acquainted with Mr. Bergh, the president ov yure assosiashun, whom yu speak ov so kindly, i dont kno him personally, but i kno him at a distance, he is very tall.

In yure letter tew me, yu speak very tenderly about the Injuns, and ask me, "if thare aint sum way, tew alleviate the condishun ov the nobel red man on our frontier."

Yu say yu are willing tew bekum a missionary, and go amung them, and labur for their good.

The injun, mi dear sir, iz a pekuliar kuss.

He haz the most ardent simpathizers amung thoze who dont kno him the muchest.

In the komposishun ov the skool girl, the injun maiden bekums a brik, and when the boys speak about him, they speak ov his bo and arrows, and hiz nobel natur.

Most people kno the injun from the Hiawatha stand point, but i git mi informashun from the kritter himself.

I dont liv amungst him now, but in the early years ov mi misfortunes, in this latitude, i bekum striktly acquainted with the nobel injun az he iz, not so mutch az he ought tew be, nor az poets hav tost him up.

I hav saw him in hiz natiff buty at home, and hav mi opinyun ov him, which i am willing tew impart tew yu, at fust cost.

Mi advice tew yu, iz tew stay with Mr. Bergh, and stick tew the stage hoss, and make him az comfortable az yu kan, and not waste enny philanthropy, nor hallelujah, on the border injun.

Thare ain't a more villainous individual, now loafing around loose, on the footstool, than Mr. Lo, the injun.

The minnit an injun bekums what yu kall civilized, that minnit he iz spilte.

A civilized injun aint ov enny more use tew himself, az a means ov grace, nor ennyboddy else, than a tame deer.

If thare could be found an iland, in the depths of the sea, whare it waz sure, no white man, nor blak man, nor blue man, would ever go, it mite do tew stock it, with the injuns now residing on our border, and let them civilize each other.

I am willing tew admit, thare iz a difference in the various tribes ov injuns.

Sum are wuss than others, but civilizashun haz never been ov enny uze tew an injun.

If yu ask enny border man, one who knos the kritters, he will tell yu the same story.

Sunday skools are a good place tew learn the katekism, and git the hang ov the 10 commandments, but tew kno the injun, mi dear sir, yu must go amungst him.

Yu kant studdy injun, and lay around a meeting house all the time, i am sorry for this, but i dont konsider that i am tew blame for it.

As i sed above, stick tew the omnibust hoss, he iz, in mi opinyun, a more fit, and better paying investment, for yure kindness, than the best Blackfeet injun thare iz now in the rocky mountains.

If yu should go amungst this tribe, az a fust class missionary, yu mite eskape with yure life, and possibly with yure skalp, if yu did, you would have sumthing tew brag ov, the rest ov yure life.

The grate trubble iz, the injun wont larn the virtews ov civilizashun, he iz satisfied with larning the vices, and only studdiz how tew improve on them.

Kruelty, and deceit, are the leading artikles in an injuns natur, and yu mite az well undertaik tew break the wiggle out ov a snaix, or the sting out ov a hornet, az tew git theze two vices out ov enny specimen ov human natur, when they form the basis ov karakter.

Kindness towards an injun, is no gurantee ov safety.

When yu are amungst injuns, keep yure hand on yure revolver, and yure eye over yure shoulder.

When i waz a very pretty boy, and fust began tew dwell amung romances, i red menny ov the tales, told so well, about the injun, and thought, how i would like tew be an nobel injun, and hav a wigwam, and foller the bounding deer, and lay mi venson at the feet ov a dark komplekted buty, and several more things, ov this prerswashun, but sum years after, i found miself on the trail, and had all the injun poetry taken out ov me, never more tew cum back.

I dont wish tew hurt ennyboddys aktual pheelings, who have made up their minds, that the injun iz a nobel kritter, but i will say tew them, stay at home, and enjoy yure sentiments.

Dont go amung the nobel red man, now on our frontier, but stay at home, and write sum stanzas about him, and civilize him at a distance.

I hav never had but one plan tew civilize the injun, since i hav got old enuff tew do him enny good, and this plan iz more unique, than elegant.

Mi plan iz simpli thus,--let the government offer 10 dollars for every injun civilized, and let the proof ov civilizashun be the hair ov the injuns head, with the skin attached tew it.

Now menny folks will hold up their hands, in number one horror, at this plan, but i will bet on the plan.

This iz the only way tew civilize the kind ov injun that i am a talking ov, and not hav tew do the work over agin.

I dont klaim tew be the original pattentee ov this plan ov civilizashun, sumthing like it occurred in the palmy daze ov Noah, when the best plan for civilizashun, that could be thought ov, waz tew wipe out the whole race ov human beings and make sum more.

This iz mi plan, for noble red men, on the frontier, wipe them out, but here i pauze, i say, dont make enny more.

Try sum other breed ov human kritter.

Mi opinyun, mi dear sir, about the missionary bizzness, haz alwus bin, that it iz a profitable bizzness, well followed, but thare iz several good ways tew do it, and several good men tew invest in the undertaking.

Sum are kalkulated tew make the good better, sum are kalkulated tew make the better almost perfekt, but thare aint but phew, ov the right bore, kalkulated tew work in the vineyard ov the wild border savage, and thoze, are theze, whoze piety konsists, in shooting at a mark, and hitting the bull's eye every time.

I say once more, mi friend, stick to the omnibust hoss, and let thoze missionarys, on the borders, the skalps ov whoze wifes, and children, are now hung up az trophys in the wigwams ov the nobel red man, let them civilize the injuns.

They will do it so that it will stay did.

I am the last man tew throw enny thing in the way ov yure gitting a good job, espeshily in the missionary bizzness, but i kant reckomend enny man, tew this partikular situashun, unless i kno he understands the use ov a gain twist rifle, and kan civilize a Pawnee, every time, 440 yards, with a cross wind.

THE CUNNING MAN.

Cunning iz often took for wisdum, but it iz the mere skum that rizes when wisdum biles her pot, it hath not the stride ov wisdum, neither haz it the honesty ov wisdum, it iz more like instinkt, than it iz like reazon.

Cunning ain't good at begetting, it iz better at executing, it iz like the wisdum ov a kat, fust rate tew watch a rat hole.

The cunning man haz two virtues alwus prominent, patience, and energy, without these he would fall below the kat, and fail tew git hiz mouse.

Thare iz lots ov cunning men who are like an unskillful trapper, who knows how tew set a trap, but hain't got the wisdum tew bait it.

Cunning men alwus hav a speciality, such az it iz, i hav seen them who could ride a mule tew a spot, but who set a hoss awkwardly.

Thare iz this average between a cunning man and a wise man, the cunning man's wisdum iz alwus on the outside ov hiz face, he kant hide it, it iz alwus squirting out ov the corner ov his eyes, while the wize man carrys hiz grist deep, stowed away in hiz heart, and don't use hiz wisdum tew find ockasions, but tew master them, when they pop up.

Cunning men have grate caution, bekauze they serpoze themselfs watched, inasmutch az they are alwus watching others.

They hav but few brains, but what they hav, are petroleum, and their brains being few, and greasy, enables them tew fetch them tew a focus sudden.

It iz hard work to be very cunning and very honest, at the same time, i reckon this, bekauze i dont see the two hugging and kissing each other very much.

Cunning haz a skandalous pedigree, he iz the babe ov wisdum, and Fraud, and iz the only child they ever had, but looks and ackts just like his ma.

It would take a big book tew make an almanack ov a cunning man, and the changes in him, fits, starts, and doubles, and hiz windings, hiz in's and hiz outs, the parables in which he talks, and the double entenders ov hiz face, awl that he duz, and awl that he thinks, are for effekt.

Cunning men's advice iz hard tew follow, bekause their wisdum iz made like a bed quilt, out ov patches, and iz also composed ov shifts, for the emergincy ov an ockasion, tew mutch for a stiddy diet.

If you don't understand wiggling yourself, or the rudiments ov it, yu must not git yure advice from the cunning man.

Cunning haz alwus passed for wisdum, and will continue on to do so, az long az phools last, and phools will last az long az enny boddy else duz, and sustane their reputashun.

Cunning iz alwus selfish, bekauze it iz not ov mutch breadth, while wisdum can afford tew be magnanimous, and hav sumthing left over.

But the ways and dodges ov cunning are past finding out, yu might az well undertake tew track a snake in the grass, when the dew iz off, or a fox, in a straight line tew hiz hole.

Cunning men are not very dangerous, they hav so mutch vanity, and their vanity satisfied their ambition iz, and when vanity takes the place ov ambishun, we are more amuzed than alarmed.

Cunning men, in the hands ov wize men, are useful, more useful, quite often, than honesty, bekauze they are more sudden, and less sempelous.

It is safer tew entrust a sekret tew a cunning man, than a clever man, the clever man is sure tew spill it, the cunning one may use it aginst yu, but he iz eazier tew watch, and control, than the good natured fellow, who, like a young pup, lays down, rools over, and wags himself in front ov evry man he meets.

Cunning men hav manny associates, but few intimates, they sumtimes hunt in couples, but are apt tew fight, when they cum to divide the plunder.

_The Deceitful Cuss._--An open enemy, a hearty hater, a bold dead-beater, an imperious friend, a phoolish chum, a reckless companyun, anything in shape ov human, or ov brute, and even aul things devlish, are mince pies with raizins in them, compared tew a slipping, sneaking _Deceit_, who, under the guize and garments ov being in love with you, chaws tobbaker out ov yure box, and lies tew yu evry time he tells yu the truth.

Theze human polecats are thick in this world, their eyes are like the kats, made tew see in the dark, they hav the face ov a sheep, and the heart ov a snaik, they kan kry at an impromptu christening, they are az full ov cunning az a she opposum, and would rather fail in an enterprise than to do it honestly.

These critters, az awkward as it may seem, are full ov vanity and ambishun, and their vanity and ambishun iz tew play lion under a sheep's skin.

It iz a strange ambishun that a man will cultivate wisdum only for the sake ov being cunning, that he will perfect himself in the art and imagery of love and friendship for the sake ov counterfitting them, that he will studdy pitty for gain, that he will work hard for the devil at 2 shillings a day, and finally, that he will practiss the rudiments ov awl the virtews ov soshul life, simply for the sake ov doing with a good grace what iz shameful and wicked to do at all.

I hav known men ov this brand, who where not wholly malishus, who would aktually dew yu a good turn to-morrow if they could cheat yu to-day, who deceive not entirely for gain, but tew keep their tools whet, who hav sum excellent traits, which sumtimes drop out seemingly by mistake.

But a natral crook toward deception iz like the bight ov a mad dogg, it may sleep for a long time in the veins ov its viktim, very well behaved pizen, watching for a good time, but sooner or later, when least expekted, the virus begins tew play dorg by asserting its dredful prerogative.

It don't cure theze vermin tew ketch them, if they waz rats, which we could drown in the trap, it would be bully, but letting them go only makes them the more cunning.

Deception iz one ov the sciences, it haz its deakons, elders and hod carriers, the world swarms with them, all ov the pimps among them, such az the wodden nutmeg makers, and the small beer-cheats, we kan punish enuff by dispising, but what reward, short ov the gibbet, or at least the whipping post, iz equal tew the villainous cuss who creeps on hiz body into yure confidense, a subdued and shivering snake, and warms up into a viper.

Ingratitude iz one ov them diabolikal crimes that awl men hate, but leave the punishment to heaven.

The _Domestik Man_ iz ov a maskuline and feminine tendency--half and half--and sumtimes more so.

He kan most generally be found at home--when he aint wanted.

He iz a kind ov second lutennant in hiz family, under haff pay, with promiss of promoshun.

He kan beat hiz wife bileing soap, or nussing the baby, and she kan beat him, in the 4th ward, running for perlice constabel.

He iz alwus reddy tew do ennything--when hiz wife iz.

He iz a kind ov spy in the household, and iz treated az such by the whole family. The servants laff at him, and the children dont fear him.

He iz az fierce as an old hen setting on one egg, and just about az dangerous.

Hiz wife marrid him, not out ov love, but out ov pitty; and pitty never changes into respekt, but gennerally into disgust.

_The Generous Man._--Generosity iz an instinkt--a kind ov natral crook--a weird child ov the heart.

It iz diffrent from profusion; profusion iz most alwus the decoy duck ov vanity.

Generosity iz diffrent from charity; charity iz the impulse ov reason.

It iz diffrent from justiss--justiss iz 16 ounces tew the pound, and no more.

Generosity iz sumthing more than justiss, and sumthing less than profusion; it iz the good a man duz, without being able tew give enny reazon for it.

If a man iz alwus genrous he will alwus be right, or will hav a good excuse for what seems tew be wrong.

Generosity iz bravery, and it iz truth: no one ever saw a generous man who waz a coward or a liar.

Generosity sumtimes may lack prudence, but it never lacks faith, and faith haz won holier laurels than prudence ever did.

The generous man chastens hiz gifts with the assurance that the giver iz az happy in the gift az the receiver iz.

He takes the fust swaller out ov the dipper, and smacking hiz lips, insists upon your drinking the balance awl up.

Poverty haz no power over generosity enny more than it haz over love.

This iz my idee ov the kind ov generosity that I am writing about.

FREQUENT KRITTERS.

THE LOAFER.

The loafer iz a human being who iz willing tew be dispized just for the privilege ov abuzing others.

He occupys all grades in sosiety, from the judge on the bench klean doun to the ragged thing in britches who leans aginst a lamp-post and fites flys in August.

He haz hiz circle ov friends, whare hiz koarse jests are re-echoed, and whare to be in hiz konfidence iz konsidered an honor.

He iz not alwus destitute ov kommon sense, and quite often iz the author ov jests which pass upon the unwary for humor and even wit.

He haz no pride that is worthy, and haz no delikasy that enny boddy kan hurt.

During hiz boyhood he kills kats and sells their hides to the hatters, and robs all the hens' nests and arly apple trees in the naborhood.

During hiz middle life he begs all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whisky he kan at sumboddy else's expense.

During hiz old age he winters in the alms-houses, and summers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he comes tew die he iz buried in a dich, like an omnibus hoss, with hiz old shoes on.

This iz a trew ackount ov the life and adventures ov the ordinary loafer, and yet there are thousands ov human kritters coming onto the platform ov life every six months whoze only ambishun iz to be successful loafers.

The loafer kares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make any man a loafer.

The loafer rather covets disgrace ov all kinds, and when a man gits az low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git without digging.

THE PROJEKTOR.

The projektor iz a man with one idee, and that idee iz often like a paving stun, the hardest kind ov a thing tew hatch out, and when it iz hatched out, yu kan't alwus tell what kind ov a breed the thing iz.