Chapter 10
"'Sh!" sed I; "easy over the rough places. My friend, they didn't mean it; or, ef they did, _we_ didn't. Is a oath so hard to break? Wood it trouble that eminent patriot Breckenridge, after all the times he swore to support the Constitution, to sware to it wunst more? and wood it trouble him to break it any more than it did in '61? Nay, verily. Dismiss them gloomy thots. Vallandigham wuz kicked out; but a thousand mules, and all uv em old and experienced, cooden't kick him out uv our service. Doolittle talked Northern talk, coz it's a habit he got into doorin the war; but he'll git over it. Raymond will be on our side this year, certain, for last year he was agin us; and by the time he is ready to turn agin, he'll be worn to so small a pint that he won't be worth hevin; and the Democrisy uv the North wuz alluz ourn, and ef they wuzzent, the offices Johnson hez in reserve will draw em like lode stun.
"My deer sir, I wunst knowd a Irishman, who wuz sense killed in a Fenian raid, employed as a artist in well diggin. It wuz his lot to go to the bottom uv the excavation and load the buckets with earth. The dinner horn sounded, and he, with the alacrity characteristic uv the race, sprang into the bucket, and told em to hist away; and they histed. But ez they histed, they amoozed themselves a droppin earth onto him. 'Shtop!' sed he; but they didn't. 'Shtop!' sed he, 'or, be gorra! I'll cut the rope.' My dear sir, Randall, and Doolittle, and Seward, and Johnson are a histin us out uv the pit we fell into in 1860. Their little talk about debts, and slavery, and sich, is the earth they're droppin onto us for fun; but shel we, like ijeots, cut the rope? Nary! Let em hist; and when we're safe out, and on solid ground, we kin, ef we desire, turn and chuck em into the hole."
All went off satisfied: the Northern men, for they carried home with em their commishuns; I, feelin that my Post office wuz sekoor; for ef, with the show we've got, we can't reëlect Johnson, the glory uv the Democracy hez departed indeed.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster.)
XXX.
The Great Presidential Excursion to the Tomb of Douglas.--An Account of the Ride of the Modern John Gilpin, who went a Pleasuring and came Home with nothing but the Necks of His Bottles: by His Chaplain.--From Washington to Detroit.
AT THE BIDDLE HOUSE (wich is in Detroit, Michigan), September the 4th, 1866.
Step by step I am assendin the ladder uv fame; step by step I am climbin to a proud eminence. Three weeks ago I wuz summoned to Washinton by that eminently grate and good man, Androo Johnson, to attend a consultation ez to the proposed Western tour, wich wuz to be undertaken for the purpose uv arousin the masses uv the West to a sence uv the danger wich wuz threatnin uv em in case they persisted in centralizin the power uv the Government into the hands uv a Congress, instid uv diffusin it throughout the hands uv one man, wich is Johnson. I got there too late to take part in the first uv the discussion. When I arrove they hed everything settled cepting the appintment uv a Chaplain for the excursion. The President insisted upon my fillin that position, but Seward objected. He wanted Beecher, but Johnson wuz inflexibly agin him. "I am determined," sez he, "to carry out my policy, but I hev some bowels left. Beecher hez done enuff already, considerin the pay he got. No, no! he shel be spared this trip; indeed he shel."
"Very good," said Seward; "but at least find some clergyman who endorses us without hevin P.M. to his honored name. It wood look better."
"I know it wood," replied Johnson; "but where kin we find sich a one? I hev swung around the entire circle, and heven't ez yet seen him. Nasby it must be."
There wuz then a lively discussion ez to the propriety, before the procession started, of removin all the Federal offis-holders on the proposed route, and appintin men who beleeved in us (Johnson, Beecher, and Me), that we might be shoor uv a sootable recepshun at each pint at wich we wuz to stop. The Annointed wuz in favor uv it. Sez he, "Them ez won't support my polisy shan't eat my bread and butter." Randall and Doolittle chimed in, for it's got to be a part of their religion to assent to whatever the President sez, but I mildly protested. I owe a duty to the party, and I am determined to do it.
"Most High," sez I, "a settin hen wich is lazy makes no fuss; cut its head off, and it flops about, for a while, lively. Lincoln's office-holders are settin hens. They don't like yoo nor yoor policy, but while they are on their nests, they will keep moderitly quiet. Cut off their heads, and they will spurt their blood in your face. Ez to bein enshoord of a reception at each point, you need fear nothin. Calkerlatin moderately, there are at least twenty-five or thirty patriots who feel a call for every offis in your disposal. So long, Yoor Highnis, ez them offisis is held just where they kin see em, and they don't know wich is to git em, yoo may depend upon the entire enthoosiasm uv each, individyooally and collectively. In short, ef there's 4 offises in a town, and yoo make the appointments, yoo hev sekoored 4 supporters; till yoo make the appointments yoo hev the hundred who expect to get em."
The President agreed with me that until after the trip the gullotine shood stop.
Secretary Seward sejested that a clean shirt wood improve my personal appearance, and akkordingly a cirkular wuz sent to the clerks in the Departments, assessin em for that purpose. Sich uv em ez refoosed to contribute their quota wuz instantly dismissed for disloyalty.
At last we started, and I must say we wuz got up in a highly conciliatory style. Every wun of the civilians uv the party wore buzzum pins, et settry, wich wuz presented to em by the Southern delegates to the Philadelphia Convention, wich wuz made uv the bones uv Federal soldiers wich hed fallen at various battles. Sum uv em were partiklerly valuable ez anteeks, hevin bin made from the bones uv the fust soldiers who fell at Bull Run.
The Noo York recepshun wuz a gay affair. I never saw His Imperial Highness in better spirits, and he delivered his speech to better advantage than I ever heard him do it before, and I bleeve I've heard it a hundred times. We left Noo York sadly. Even now, ez I write, the remembrance uv that perceshun, the recollection uv that banquet, lingers around me, and the taste uv them wines is still in my mouth. But we hed to go. We hed a mishn to perform, and we put ourselves on a steamboat and started.
ALBANY.--There wuz a immense crowd, but the Czar uv all the Amerikas didn't get orf his speech here. The Governor welcomed him, but he welcomed him ez the Cheef Magistrate uv the nashen, and happened to drop in Lincoln's name. That struck a chill over the party, and the President got out uv it ez soon ez possible. Bein reseeved ez Chief Magistrate, and not ez the great Pacificator, ain't His Eggslency's best holt. It wuz unkind uv Governor Fenton to do it. If he takes the papers, he must know that His Mightiness ain't got but one speech, and he ought to hev made sich a reception ez wood hev enabled him to hev got it off. We shook the dust off uv our feet, and left Albany in disgust.
SKENACTADY.--The people uv this delightfull little village wuz awake when the Imperial train arrived. The changes hadn't bin made in the offices here, and consekently there wuz a splendid recepshun. I didn't suppose there wuz so many patriots along the Mohawk. I wuz pinted out by sum one ez the President's private adviser--a sort uv private Secretary uv State; and after the train started, I found jest 211 petitions for the Post Offis in Skenaktedy in my side coat pocket, wich the patriots who hed hurrahed so vocifferously hed dexterously deposited there. The incident wuz a movin one. "Thank God!" thought I. "So long ez we hev the post offiees to give, we kin alluz hev a party." The Sultan swung around the cirkle wunst here, and leaving the Constooshun in their hands, the train moved off.
UTICA.--The President spoke here with greater warmth, and jerked more originality than I hed before observed. He introdoost here the remark that he didn't come to make a speech; that he wuz goin to shed a tear over the tomb uv Douglas; that, in swingin around the circle, he hed fought traitors on all sides uv it, but that he felt safe. He shood leave the Constooshn in their hands, and ef a martyr wuz wanted, he wuz ready to die with neetness and dispatch.
ROME.--Here we hed a splendid recepshun, and I never heard His Majesty speek more felicitously. He menshuned to the audience that he hed swung around the Southern side uv the cirkle, and wuz now swingin around the Northern side uv it, and that he wuz fightin traitors on all sides. He left the Constitooshun in their hands, and bid em good bye. I received at this pint only 130 petitions for the post office, wich I took ez a bad omen for the comin election.
LOCKPORT.--The President is improvin wonderfully. He rises with the occasion. At this pint he mentioned that he wuz sot on savin the country wich hed honored him. Ez for himself, his ambishn wuz more than satisfied. He hed bin Alderman, Member uv the Legislacher, Congressman, Senator, Military Governor, Vice-President, and President. He hed swung around the entire circle uv offises, and all he wanted now wuz to heal the wounds uv the nashen. He felt safe in leavin the Constooshn in their hands. Ez he swung around the cirkle--
At this pint I interrupted him. I told him that he hed swung around the cirkle wunst in this town, and ez yooseful ez the phrase wuz, it might spile by too much yoose.
At Cleveland we begun to get into hot water. Here is the post to which the devil uv Ablishnism is chained, and his chain is long enough to let him rage over neerly the whole State. I am pained to state that the President wuzn't treated here with the respeck due his station. He commenst deliverin his speech, but wuz made the subjeck uv ribald laffture. Skasely hed he got to the pint uv swingin around the cirkle, when a foul-mouthed nigger-lover yelled "Veto!" and another vocifferated "Noo Orleens!" and another remarked "Memphis!" and one after another interruption occurred until His Highness wuz completely turned off the track, and got wild. He forgot his speech, and struck out crazy, but the starch wuz out uv him, and he wuz worsted. Grant, wich we hed taken along to draw the crowds, played dirt on us here, and stepped onto a boat for Detroit, leavin us only Farragut ez a attraction, who tried twice to git away ditto, but wuz timely prevented. The President recovered his ekanimity, and swung around the cirkle wunst, and leavin the Constooshn in their hands, retired.
At the next pint we wuz astounded at seein but one man at the station. He wuz dressed with a sash over his shoulder, and wuz wavin a flag with wun hand, firin a saloot with a revolver with the other, and playin "Hail to the Chief!" on a mouth organ, all to wunst.
"Who are you, my gentle friend?" sez I.
"I'm the newly-appinted Postmaster, sir," sez he. "I'm a perceshun a waitin here to do honor to our Cheef Magistrate, all alone, sir. There wuz twenty Johnsonians in this hamlet, sir; but when the commishn came for me, the other nineteen wuz soured, and sed they didn't care a d----n for him nor his policy, sir. Where is the President?"
Androo wuz a goin to swing around the cirkle for this one man, and leave the Constooshn in his hands, but Seward checked him.
At Fremont we hed a handsome recepshun, for the offises hevn't bin changed there, but Toledo didn't do so well. The crowd didn't cheer Androo much, but when Farragut was trotted out they gave him a rouser, wich wuz anything but pleasin to the Cheef Magistrate uv this nashen, who bleeves in bein respected.
Finally we reeched Detroit. This bein a Democratic city, the President wuz hisself agin. His speech here wuz wun uv rare merit. He gathered together in one quiver all the sparklin arrows he had used from Washington to this point, and shot em one by one. He swung around the cirkle; he didn't come to make a speech; he hed bin Alderman uv his native town; he mite hev been Dicktater, but woodent; and ended with a poetickal cotashun wich I coodent ketch, but wich, ez neer ez I cood understand, wuz,--
"Kum wun, kum all; this rock shel fly From its firm base--in a pig's eye."
Here we repose for the nite. To-morrow we start onward, and shel continue swingin around the cirkle till we reach Chicago.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.
XXXI.
The Presidential Tour Continued.--From Detroit to Indianapolis.
POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), September 11, 1866.
I am at home, and glad am I that I am at home. Here in Kentucky, surrounded by Dimicrats, immersed a part of the time in my offishel dooties, and the balance uv the time in whiskey, with the privilege uv wallopin niggers, and the more inestimable and soothing privilege uv assistin in mobbin uv Northern Ablishnists, who are not yet all out uv the State, time passes pleasantly, and leaves no vain regrets. I alluz go to bed nites, feeling that the day hez not bin wasted.
From Detroit the Presidential cavalcade, or ez the infamous Jacobin Radical party irrevelently term it, the menajery, proceeded to Chicago. The recepshuns his Imperial Highniss received through Michigan were flatterin in the extreme. I continue my diary:
IPSLANTY.--At this pint the President displayed that originality and fertility uv imaginashun karacteristic uv him. The recepshun wuz grand. The masses called for Grant, and His Highness promptly responded. He asked em, ef he was Judis Iskariot who wuz the Saviour? Thad Stevens? If so, then after swingin around the cirkle, and findin traitors at both ends of the line, I leeve the 36 States with 36 stars onto em in yoor hands, and--
The train wuz off amid loud shouts uv "Grant! Grant!" to wich the President responded by wavin his hat.
ANN ARBOR.--At this pint the train moved in to the inspiring sounds uv a band playin "Hale to the Cheef," and vocifrous cries uv "Grant! Grant!" His Majesty smilinly appeared and thanked em for the demonstration. It was soothin, he remarked. The air their band wuz playin, "Hail to the Chief," wuz appropit, ez he wuz Chief Magistrate uv the nashen, to wich posishen he hed reached, hevin bin Alderman uv his native village, U.S. Senator, etsettry. The crowd hollered "Grant! Grant!" and the President thanked em for the demonstration. It showed him that the people wuz with him in his efforts to close his eyes on a Union uv 36 States and a flag uv 36 stars onto it. Ef I am a traitor, sed he, warmin up, who is the Judis Iscariot? Ez I'm swingin around the cirkle, I find Thad Stevens on the one side and Jeff' Davis on the--
The conductor cruelly startid the train, without givin him time to finish.
The crowd proposed three cheers for Grant, and the President waved his hat to em, sayin that he thanked em, showing as it did that the people wuz with him.
BATTLE CREEK.--A large number was assembled here, who, ez the train stopped, yelled "Grant! Grant!" Affected to tears by the warmth uv the reception, the President thanked em for this mark of confidence. Ef he ever hed any doubts ez to the people's being with him, these doubts wuz removed. He wood leave in their hands the flag and the Union uv 36 States, and the stars thereto appertaining. Ef he wuz a Joodis Iskariot who wuz--
The crowd gave three hearty cheers for Grant ez the train moved off, to wich the President responded by wavin his hat.
KALAMAZOO.--The offishels were on hand at this pint, and so wuz the people--4 offishels and several thousand people, which the latter greeted us with cheers for Grant! Grant! The President responded, sayin, that in swingin around the cirkle, he hed bin called Joodis Iskariot for sacrificin uv hisself for the people! Who wuz the Saviour? Wuz Thad Stevens? No! Then cleerly into yoor hands I leave the Constitution uv 36 stars with 36 States onto em, intact and undissevered.
The offishels received the stars and States, and amid cheers for Grant, for which the President thanked em, the train glode off magestically.
And so on to Chicago, where we didn't get off our speech, though from the manner in wich the people hollered Grant! Grant! we felt cheered at realizin how much they wuz with us. His eminence wanted to sling the 36 States and the flag with the stars at em, but ez General Logan wuz there, ready to fling em back, it wuz deemed highly prudent not to do it.
Here my trials commenst. At the Biddle House, in Detroit, the nigger waiters showed how much a African kin be spiled by bein free. _They hed the impudence to refoose to wait on us_, and for a half hour the imperial stumick wuz forced to fast. This alarmin manifestation uv negro malignancy alarmed His Eggsalency. "Thank God!" sed he, "that I vetoed the Freedmen's Buroo Bill. I hev bin Alderman uv my native town--I hev swung around the entire cirkle, but this I never dreemed uv. What would they do if they hed their rites?" The insident made an impression onto him, and at Chicago he resolved to trust em no longer. He ordered his meals to his room, and sent for me. "My friend," sed he, "taste evrything onto this table."
"Why? my liege," sed I.
"Niggers is cooks," sed he, "and this food may be pizoned. They hate me, for I ain't in the Moses bizness. Taste, my friend."
"But spozn," sed I, "that it _shood_ be pizoned? Wat uv _my_ bowels? My stomick is uv ez much valyoo to me ez yourn is to yoo."
"Nasby," sez he, "taste! Ef yoo die, who mourns? Ef I die, who'd swing around the cirkle? Who'd sling the flag and the 36 stars at the people, and who'd leave the Constooshn in their hands? The country demands the sacrifice; and besides, ef yoo don't, off goes yoor offishl head."
That last appele fetched me. Ruther than risk that offis I'd chaw striknine, for uv what akkount is a Dimokrat, who hez wunst tasted the sweets uv place, and is ousted? And from Chicago on I wuz forced to taste his food and likker--to act ez a sort uv a litenin-rod to shed off the vengeance uv the nigger waiters. I wood taste uv every dish and drink from each bottle, and ef I didn't swell up and bust in 15 minits His serene Highness wood take hold. I suffered several deaths. I resoom my diary:
JOLIET.--The crowd wuz immense. The peasantry, ez the train approached, rent the air with shouts uv "Grant!" "Grant!" His Potency, the President, promptly acknowledged the compliment. He was sacrificin hisself for them--who hed made greater sacrifices? He hed bin Alderman uv his native town, and Vice-President; he wuz too modest to make a speech; but ef he wuz Joodas Iskariot, who wuz the Saviour? He hed swung around the cirkle, and hedn't found none so far. He left in their hands the--
And so on, until near St. Louis, when we penetrated a Democratic country, uv wich I informed his Majesty. "How knowest thou?" sez he. "Easy," sez I. "I observe in the crowds a large proportion uv red noses, and hats with the tops off. I notice the houses unpainted, with pig pens in front ov em; and what is more, I observe that crowds compliment yoo direct, instead of doin it, ez heretofore, over Grant's shoulders. The Knights uv the Golden Cirkle, wich I spect is the identical cirkle yoo've bin swingin around lately, love yoo and approach yoo confidently."
The President brisked up, and from this to Indianapolis he spoke with a flooidity I never observed in him before. I may say, to yoose a medikle term, that he had a hemorrhage uv words. At the latter city our reception was the most flatrin uv eny we have experienced. The people, when the President appeared on the balcony uv the Bates House, yelled so vociferously for Grant, that the President, when he stepped forward to acknowledge the compliment, coodent be heard at all. He waved his hat; and the more he waved it the more complimentary the crowd became. "Grant!" "Grant!" they yelled; and the more the President showed himself the more they yelled Grant, until, overpowered by the warmth uv the recepshun, and unwillin to expose his health, the President retired without slingin a speech at em, but entirely satisfied that the people wuz with him.
The next mornin the office-holders uv the State, without the people, assembled, and he made his regler speech to em, wich appeared to be gratifyin to both him and them. The President does not like to sleep with a undelivered speech on his mental stumick. It gives him the nitemare.
Here I left the party, for a short time, that I mite go home and attend to my official dooties. There is five Northern families near the Corners wich must hev notice to leave, and eight niggers to hang. I hed orders to report to the party somewhere between Looisville and Harrisburgh, wich I shall do, ez, travelin by order, I get mileage and sich.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.
XXXII.
The End of the Presidential Tour.--From Louisville to Washington.
WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D.C., September, 12, '66.
I rejined the Presidenshel party at Looisville, and glad I am that I did it at that pint. His Imperial Serenity hed bin pleased ever sence he left Chicago, or rather sence he got near St. Loois, for two-thirds uv Illinois wuz pizen, and Indianapolis wuz pizener. From St. Loois the recepshuns wuz trooly corjel and even enthoosiastic. We got out uv the region uv aristocrats, and hed come down to the hard-fisted yomanry. I seed holes thro the hats uv men; I seed wat mite be called the flag uv Democrisy wavin from behind em, which, ez they genrally either had no coats at all, or if any, they were roundabouts, wuz alluz in view. I saw wimen who disdained stockins and dipped snuff, and I felt to home. I wuz among Democracy. The cheerin for Grant and Farragut closed ez we got into them regions, and uv the vociferous crowds half uv em, the younger ones, cheered Andrew Johnson, while the old veterans, them whose noses wuz blossomin for the tomb, cheered for Andrew Jackson. His Serenity smilinly acknowledged both, by makin a speech to em, and wavin his hat.
With these preliminary remarks I resoom my diary:--
LOUISVILLE.--There wuz a magnificent demonstration here. His Imperial Majesty, who wuz in a eggslent condition to make crowds large enough, remarked to me as we wuz ridin through the streets: "'Splen 'splay! 'Mor'n ten 'unerd sousand people--mor'n ten million people--mor'n ten 'unerd million people--mor'n ten 'unerd sousand million people--and alluvum 'sporters my policy. 'Rah for me!"