Chapter 9

Whereas, there hed bin a season uv unpleasantness in our national history, wich, owin to circumstances over wich nobody hed any control, extended over several periods uv ninety days each; and

Whereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the two sections viewin things each from its own stand-pint, instead of viewin things from the other's stand-pint; and

Whereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong, partikelerly the North; and

Whereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown in history, hed thrown down her arms, and wuz ready to resoom her old position in the Government--nay, more, to take more than her old share in the trouble uv runnin the Government; therefore be it

_Resolved_, That we are for the Yoonyun ez it wuz.

_Resolved_, That the persistency uv a sectional Congress, in continuin the unpleasantness wich hez to some extent disturbed our system uv Government, in legistatin while eleven sovereign States is unrepresented, is pizen.

_Resolved_, That we view with alarm the manifest determination uv Congress to centralize in theirselves the law-makin power uv the Government, and we pledge our support to our worthy Chief Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his efforts to check their centralizin schemes by vetoin all they may do.

_Resolved_, That all traces uv the late onpleasantness may be wiped out ez soon ez possible, we demand uv Congress an appropriation for plowin over all the fields on wich the citizens uv the two sections who wuz indoost by their respective Governments, so-called, to carry muskets, cum together, particklerly them on wich our Southern brethren got the worst uv the disputes that ensood.

_Resolved_, That Congress shood, ez soon ez it convenes, change the names uv Murfreesboro', Gettysburg, Atlanta, Vicksburg, et settry, to sich names ez Smithboro', Brownsburg, Jonesburg, et settry, that the serious unpleasantnesses wich occurred at them places may be remembered no more forever.

_Resolved_, That the citizens uv the Southern States wich lost their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late unpleasantnesses wich hez bin referred to, ought to be placed on the pension rolls the same ez the Northern citizens who suffered likewise; and that the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things ez viewed from its stand-pint, is entitled to be paid the same ez the debt incurred by the North in upholdin things ez viewed from its stand-pint.

_Resolved_, That we are willin, for the sake uv harmony, to admit that Sherman and Grant were, all things considered, worthy uv bein ranked with Lee and Jackson.

_Resolved_, That the safety uv the Government demands that sich ez took part in the late unpleasantnis, from the Southern States, be to-wunst admitted to Congress, and to the other posishens wich they yoost to ornament, and that the more unpleasant they wuz doorin the trouble the more they ought to be admitted.

_Resolved_, That there shall be gushen confidences, we freely forgive the honored Secretary uv State for the too free use uv his little bell doorin the late unpleasantnis, believin that he viewed things from his own stand-pint instead uv somebody else's, wich alluz causes trouble.

At this pint His Eggslency, Andrew Johnson, supported by Secretary Wells on the wun side and Vice-President Stephens on one other, with Bukanan in front and Toombs behind, entered the hall. Sich a cheering I never heerd. Hats wuz slung into the air, and seats wuz torn up. Proudly they advanced up the aisle, treading, ez they went, onto a portrait uv Linkin wich a enthusiastic Connecticut delegate tore from the wall and throwd before em. They took their position on the stage, Gen. Buell holdin over em a Fedral flag, and Genral Henry A. Wise, uv Virginny, a Confedrit flag, both wavin em to the music uv two bands; one a playin Dixie, and the other Yankee Doodle.

At this pint methought the sperit uv Washinton floated into the hall, and for a minnit contemplated the countenance uv President Johnson. In my dreem I heerd him murmur, "There wuz me, and Adams, and Gefferson, and Monroe, and sich, and then cum Fillmore, and Peerce, and Bookannon, and, good God! Johnson! Faugh!" and I notist that George spit ez tho' suthin in his mouth didn't taste well. In fact, the Father uv his country looked sick, and spreadin his wings, the sperit moved out uv the hall, shakin the sperit dust off uv his speritool boots ez he shot thro' the sky-lite.

There wuz then a blank in my dream. When I resoomed, I was at the Post-offis Department the next mornin. The gullotin hed commenced work, and the supporters uv the constitushun were reseevin their commissions ez postmasters ez fast ez four hundred clerks cood make em out. Ez I pressed forward, Randall hisself give me mine. "Take it, my venerable friend," sez he, with tears a gushin down his cheeks; "take it. No more shall that Demokrat in your township who takes a paper reseeve it contaminated by the touch uv a Ablishin radical."

At this critical pint I awoke. Wood that that dream wuz a reality! Will I only git that postoffis in a dream.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XXVIII.

The Reward of Virtue.--After Months of waiting, the Virtuous Patriot secures his Loaf.--The Jollification.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), August 12, 1866.

At last I hev it! Finally it come! After five weary trips to Washington, after much weary waitin and much travail, I hev got it. I am now Post Master at Confedrit × Roads, and am dooly installed in my new position. Ef I ever hed any doubts ez to A. Johnson bein a better man than Paul the Apossle, a look at my commission removes it. If I ketch myself a feelin that he deserted us onnecessarily five years ago, another look, and my resentment softens into pity. Ef I doubt his Democrisy, I look at that blessed commission, and am reassured, for a President who cood turn out a wounded Federal soldier, and apoint sich a man ez ME, must be above suspicion.

I felt it wuz coming two weeks ago. I received a cirkler from Randall, now my sooperior in offis, propoundin these questions:--

1. Do yoo hev the most implicit faith in Androo Johnson, in all that he hez done, all that he is doin, and all he may hereafter do?

2. Do you bleeve that the Philadelphia Convenshun will be a convocashen uv saints, all actuated by pure motives, and devoted to the salvation uv our wunst happy, but now distractid country?

3. Do yoo bleeve that, next to A. Johnson, Seward, Doolittle, Cowan, and Randall are the four greatest, and purest, and bestest, and self-sacrificinest, and honestest, and righteousist men that this country hez ever prodoost?

4. Doo yoo bleeve that there is a partikelerly hot place reserved in the next world for Trumbull, a hotter for Wade, and the hottest for Sumner and Thad Stevens?

5. Do yoo approve uv the canin uv Grinnell by Rosso?

6. Do yoo consider the keepin out uv Congris eleven sovrin states a unconstooshnel and unwarrantid assumption uv power by a secshnal Congris?

7. Do yoo bleeve the present Congris a rump, and that (eleven states bein unrepresented) all their acts are unconstooshnel and illegal, ceptin them wich provides for payin salaries?

8. Do yoo bleeve that the Memphis and Noo Orleans unpleasantnesses wuz brot about by the unholy machinashens uv them Radical agitators, actin in conjunction with ignorant and besotted niggers, to wreak their spite on the now loyal citizens uv those properly reconstructed cities.

9. Are yoo not satisfied that the African citizens uv Amerikin descent kin be safely trusted to the operations uv the universal law wich governs labor and capital?

10. Are yoo willin to contribute a reasonable per cent. uv yoor salary to a fund to be used for the defeat uv objectionable Congrismen in the disloyal states North?

To all uv these inquiries I not only answered yes, but went afore a Justis uv the Peace and took an affidavit to em, forwarded it back, and my commission wuz forthwith sent to me.

There wuz a jubilee the nite it arriv. The news spread rapidly through the four groceries uv the town, and sich anuther spontaneous outbust uv joy I never witnessed.

The bells rung, and for an hour or two the Corners wuz in the wildest stait uv eggsitement. The citizens congratoolated each other on the certainty uv the acceshun uv the President to the Dimocrisy, and in their enthoosiasm five nigger families were cleaned out, two uv em, one a male and the tother a female, wuz killed. Then a perceshun wuz organized as follers:--

Two grocery keepers with bottles.

Deekin Pogram.

ME, with my commishun pinned onto a banner, and under it written, "In this Sign we Conker."

Wagon with tabloo onto it: A nigger on the bottom boards, Bascom, the grocery keeper, with one foot onto him, holdin a banner inscribed, "The Nigger where he oughter be."

Citizen with bottle.

Deekin Pogram's daughter Mirandy in a attitood uv wallopin a wench. Banner: "We've Regained our Rites."

Two citizens with bottles tryin to keep in perceshun.

Two more citizens, wich hed emptyd their bottles, fallin out by the way side.

Citizens, two and two, with bottles.

Wagon, loaded with the books and furnitur uv a nigger skool, in a stait uv wreck, with a ded nigger layin on top uv it, wich hed bin captoored within the hour. Banner: "My Policy."

The perceshun mooved to the meetin hous, and Deekin Pogram takin the Chair, a meetin wuz to wunst organized.

The Deekin remarked that this wuz the proudest moment uv his life. He wuz gratified at the appintment uv his esteemed friend, becoz he appreciated the noble qualities wich wuz so conspikuous into him, and becoz his arduous services in the coz uv Dimokrisy entitled him to the posishun. All these wuz aside uv and entirely disconnected from the fact that thare wood now be a probability uv his gittin back a little matter uv nine dollars and sixty-two cents ("Hear! hear!") wich he hed loaned him about eighteen months ago, afore he had knowed him well, or larned to luv him. But thare wuz anuther reason why he met to rejoyce to-nite. It showed that A. Johnson meant bizness; that A. Johnson wuz troo to the Dimokrasy, and that he hed fully made up his mind to hurl the bolts uv offishl thunder wich he held in his Presidenshal hands at his enemies, and to make fight in earnest; that he wuz goin to reward his friends--them ez he cood trust. Our venerable friend's bein put in condishun to pay the confidin residents uv the Corners the little sums he owes them is a good thing ("Hear!" "Hear!" "Troo!" "Troo!" with singular unanimity from every man in the bildin), but wat wuz sich considerashuns when compared to the grate moral effect uv the decisive movement? ("A d----d site!" shouted one grocery keeper, and "We don't want no moral effect!" cried another.) My friends, when the news uv this bold step uv the President goes forth to the South, the price uv Confedrit skript will go up, and the shootin uv niggers will cease; for the redempshun uv the first I consider ashoored, and the redoosin uv the latter to their normal condishun I count ez good ez done.

Squire Gavitt remarked that he wuz too much overpowered with emoshun to speak. For four years, nearly five, the only newspaper wich come to that offis hed passed thro' the polluted hands uv a Ablishnist. He hed no partikler objecshun to the misguided man, but he wuz a symbol uv tyranny, and so long ez he sot there, he reminded em that they were wearin chains. Thank the Lord, that day is over! The Corners is redeemed, the second Jaxson hez risin, and struck off the shackles. He wood not allood to the trifle uv twelve dollars and a half that he loaned the appintee some months ago, knowin that it wood be paid out uv the first money--

Bascom, the principal grocery keeper, rose, and called the Squire to order. He wanted to know ef it wuz fair play to talk sich talk. No man cood feel a more hart-felt satisfaction at the appintment uv our honored friend than him, showin, ez it did, that the President hed cut loose from Ablishnism, wich he dispised, but he protestid agin the Squire undertakin to git in his bill afore the rest hed a chance. Who furnisht him his licker for eight months, and who hez the best rite for the first dig at the proceeds uv the position? He wood never--

The other three grocery keepers rose, when Deekin Pogram rooled em all out uv order, and offered the followin resolutions:--

Whereas, the President hez, in a strikly constooshnel manner, relieved this commoonity uv an offensive Ablishunist, appinted by that abhorred tyrant Linkin, and appinted in his place a sound constooshnel Demokrat--one whom to know is to lend; therefore, be it

_Resolved_, That we greet the President, and, ashoor him uv our continyood support and confidence.

_Resolved_, That we now consider the work uv Reconstruction, so far ez this community is concerned, completed, and that we feel that we are wunst more restored to our proper relations with the federal government.

_Resolved_, That the glorious defence made by the loyal Democracy uv Noo Orleans agin the combined conventioners and niggers, shows that freemen kin not be conkered, and that white men shel rule America.

_Resolved_, That, on this happy occasion, we forgive the Government for what we did, and cherish nary resentment agin anybody.

The resolutions wuz adopted, and the meetin adjourned with three cheers for Johnson and his policy.

Then came a scene. Every last one uv em hed come there with a note made out for the amount I owed him at three months. Kindness of heart is a weakness of mine, and I signed em all, feelin that ef the mere fact of writin my name wood do em any good, it wood be crooel in me to object to the little laber required. Bless their innocent soles! they went away happy.

The next mornin I took possesshun uv the offis.

"Am I awake, or am I dreamin?" thought I. No, no! it is no dream. Here is the stamps, here is the blanks, and here is the commisshun! It is troo! it is troo!

I heerd a child, across the way, singin,--

"I'd like to be a angel, And with the angels stand."

I woodn't, thought I. I woodn't trade places with an angel, even up. A Offis with but little to do, with four grocerys within a stone's throw, is ez much happiness ez my bilers will stand without bustin. A angel 4sooth!

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster.)

XXIX.

The Convocation of Hungry Souls at Philadelphia.--A Description of that Memorable Occasion by One who had been Provided for.

POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), August 14, 1866.

Peace is into me. I hev spent many happy periods in the course uv a eventful life; but I never knowd what perfeck satisfaction wuz till now. The first week I wuz married to my Looizer Jane it wuz hevenly; for, independent uv the other blisses incident to the married state, I beleeved that she wuz the undivided possessor uv a farm, or ruther her father wuz, wich, on the old man's decease, wood be hern, and the prospeck uv a lifetime with a amiable, well-built woman, with a farm big enough to support me, with prudence on her part, wuz bliss itself; and I enjoyed it with a degree uv muchness rarely ekaled, until I found out that it wuz kivered more deeply with mortgages than it wuz ever likely to be with crops, and my dreem uv happiness busted. Sweet ez wuz this week, it wuz misery condensed when compared to the season I hev jest passed through.

I wuz a delegate to Philadelphia. I wuzn't elected nor nothin, and hedn't any credentials; but the door uv the wigwam I passed, nevertheless. The door-keeper wuz a Dimokrat, and my breath helped me; my nose, wich reely blossoms like the lobster, wuz uv yoose; but I spect my hevin a gray coat on, with a stand up collar, with a brass star onto it, wuz wat finished the biznis. The Southern delegates fought shy uv me; but the Northern ones, bless their souls! the minit they saw the star on the collar uv my gray coat, couldn't do enuff for me. They addressed me ez Kernel and Gineral, and sed "this wuz trooly an unmeritid honor," and paid for my drinks; and I succeeded in borrowin a hundred and twenty dollars of em the first day. I mite hev doubled it; but the fellows wuz took in so easy that no financeerin wuz required, and it really wuz no amoozment.

The Convenshun itself wuz the most affectinist gatherin I ever witnist. I hed a seat beside Randall, who wuz a managin the concern, and I cood see it all. The crowd rushed into the bildin, and filled it, when Randall desired attention. He bein the Postmaster General, every one of em dropped into his seat ez though he hed bin shot, and there wuz the most perfeck quiet I ever saw. Doolittle, who wuz the Cheerman, winked at Randall, and nodded his head, when Randall announced that THE DELEGATES FROM SOUTH KARLINY, AND THE DELEGATES FROM MASSACHOOSITS, WOOD ENTER ARM IN ARM! With a slow and measured step they cum in; and, at a signal from Randall, the cheerin commenst--and sich cheerin! Then Doolittle pulled out his white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes; and every delegate simultaneously pulled out a white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes.

To me, this wuz the proudest moment uv my life; not that there wuz anything partikilerly inspiritin in the scene afore me, for there wuzzent. Orr, from South Caroliny, looked partikilerly ashamed of hisself, ez though he wuz going thro a highly nessary, but extremely disgustin, ceremony, and wuz determined to keep up a stiff upper lip over it; and Couch looked up to Orr, ez though he wuz afeerd uv him, and ez though he felt flattered by Orr's condecension in walkin at all with sich a umble individjooal. But, to my eyes, the scene wuz significant. I looked into the fucher, and wat did I see, ez them two men--one sneekin, and tother ashamed uv hisself--walked up that aisle? Wat did I see? I saw the Democrisy restored to its normal condishun. I saw the reunion uv the two wings. In fact, I saw the entire Dimokratic bird reunited. The North, one wing, and the weakest; Kentucky, the beak, sharp, hungry, and rapacious; South-west, the strong, active wing; Virginny, the legs and claws; Ohio, the heart; Pennsylvania, the stomach; South Caroliny, the tail feathers; and Noo Jersey, the balance of the bird,--I saw these parts, for five years dissevered, come together, holdin nigger in one claw, and Post Offises in the other, sayin, "Take em both together; they go in lots." I saw the old Union--the bold, shivelrous Southner a guidin, controllin, and directin the machine, and assoomin to hisself the places uv honor, and the Dimokrat uv the North follerin, like a puppy dog, at his heels, takin sich fat things ez he cood snap up; the Southerner ashamed uv his associations, but forced to yoose em; the Northerner uncomfortable in his presence, but tied to him by self-interest. I saw a comin back the good old times when thirty-four States met in convenshun, and let eleven rule em; and ez I contemplated the scene, I too wept, but it wuz in dead earnest.

"Wat are you blubberin for?" asked a enthusiastic delegate in front uv me, who wuz a swabbin his eyes with a handkercher.

"I'm a Postmaster," sez I, "and must do my dooty in this crisis. Wat are you sheddin pearls for?" retorted I. "Are you a Postmaster?"

"No," sez he; "but I hope to be;" and he swabbed away with renood vigger.

"Wat's the matter with the eyes uv all the delegates?" sez I.

"They've all got Post Offisis in em," sez he; and he worked away faster than ever.

While gettin a fresh handkercher (wich I borrered from the hind coat pocket uv a delegate near me, and wich, by the way, in my delirious joy, I forgot to say anythin to him about it), I looked over the Convenshun, and agin the teers welled up from my heart. My sole wuz full and overflowin, and I slopped over at the eyes. There, before me, sat that hero, Dick Taylor, and Cuth Bullitt; and there wuz the Nelsons and Yeadons, and the representatives uv the first families uv the South, and in PHILADELPHIA, AT A CONVENTION, with all the leadin Demokrats uv the North, ceptin Vallandigham and Wood, and they wuz skulkin around within call, with their watchful eyes on the perceedins. Here is a prospeck! Here is fatnis! The President into our confidence! The Postmaster General a runnin the Convention! The bands a playin Dixie and the Star Spangled Banner alternitly, so that nobody cood complain uv partiality, or tell reely wich side the Convention wuz on, or wich side it had been on in the past! Ah! my too susceptible sole filled up agin; the teers started; but that vent wuznt enuff, and I fell faintin onto the floor. Twenty or thirty Northern delegates seed me fallin, and ketchin site uv the gray coat, with the brass star onto it, rushed to ketch me; and they bore me out uv the wigwam. Sed one, "Wat a techin scene! overpowered by his feelins." "Yes," sed another: "he deserves a apintment."

I didn't go back to the Convenshun, coz I knowd it wan't no yoose; and besides, after all the teers that had been shed,--the members wringin their handkerchers onto the floor,--it wuz sloppy under foot. Conciliation and tenderness gushed out uv em. I knowd it would be all right; it couldn't be otherwise. There wuz bonds wich held the members together, and prevented the possibility uv trouble. Johnson, hevin a ambition to head a party, must hev a party to head. The Northern delegashun--wich hed formerly actid with the Ablishnists--couldn't do nothin without the Democracy North; and both on em combined couldn't do nothin without the Democracy South, The President cood depend on the Democracy North, coz he holds the offices; the Democracy North cood depend on the President, coz he must hev their votes. The President cood depend on the Democracy South, coz they want him to make a fight agin a Ablishen Congris, wich is a unconstooshnelly keepin uv em out, and preventin em from wollopin their niggers; the Democracy South cood depend on the President, coz he must hev their Representatives in their seats to beat the Ablishnists in Congris,--all cood depend on all, each cood depend on the other, coz each faction, or ruther each stripe, hed its little private axe to grind, wich it coodent do without the others to turn the grind-stone.

The Southern delegates, some on em, wuznt so well pleased. "What in thunder," sed one uv em, "did they mean by pilin on the agony over the the Yanks we killed? by pledgin us to give up the ijee uv seceshen, and by pledgin on us to pay the Nashnel Yankee debt?"