Chapter 11

His Majesty ondoubtedly eggsagerated towards the last; but it is safe to put the throng down at a good many. That estimate is entirely safe. There wuz the finest display uv banners and sich I hev seen since we startid. The red white and red wuz displayed from almost half the houses, ladies waved their handkerchiefs ez we passed, and men cheered. A pleasin incident occurd here. I noticed one gushin maiden uv thirty-seven wavin her handkercher ez tho she was gettin so much per wave, and had rent to pay that nite. I recognized her to wunst. When I wuz a citizen uv Ohio, and wuz drafted into the service uv the United States, and clothed in a bob-tailed blue coat, and hed a Oystran muskit put into my unwillin hands, and forced to fite agin my brethren, our regiment passed thro Looisville and stayed there some days. I wuz walkin one afternoon, when I met this identical angel. She saw my bloo kote, and enraged, spit in my face with sich energy that she threw out uv her mouth a full sett uv false teeth. I returned em gallantly, wiped my face with my handkercher, and vowed that handkercher shood henceforth be kept sacred. It wuz; and when I seed her wavin hern at our party, I wept like a Philadelphia Convenshen. I stopped the carriage, met the patriotic female, called her attention to the incident, and handed her my handkercher which hed, four years before, wiped her spittle. The incident gave new vigor to her arms, and from that time she waved two handkerchers, and mine wuz one uv em. I narrated the insident to the President, and he wept.

There wuz a large perceshen and a great variety of banners. Among the most noticeable, wuz a company uv solgers uv the late war, each with a leg off, dressed in the gray uniforms into wich they hed been mustered out, with this motto: "We are willin to go the other leg for A. Jonson." Another company uv solgers, who hed each lost an arm, carried this inscription: "What we didn't get by bullets, we shel get by ballots."

The President cut down his speech jest one half here. In swingin around the cirkle he omitted to menshen that he found traitors on the Southern side uv it. But he left the constooshn in their hands cheerfully.

CINCINNATI.--A very enthoosiastic recepshen--continyood and loud cheers for Grant, wich the President acknowledged. A unsophisticated Postmaster, who jined us here, wanted to know why the people cheered for Grant instid uv the President, to which His Highness answered that they wuz considrit--they knew his modesty, and wanted to spare his blushes. Another man, who wuz also unsophisticated, asked him, confidenshelly, ef he didn't think there wuz a samenis in his speeches, and that ef he didn't think he'd do better to give a greater variety. His Eggslency asked him how there _cood_ be more variety. "At Cincinnati," sed he, "I observed the followin order:--

1. I swung around the cirkle.

2. I asked who wuz the Saviour ef I wuz Joodis Iskariot?

3. I left the Constitooshn, the 36 States, and the flag with 36 stars onto it, in their hands.

Now, at Columbus, I shel vary it thusly:

1. The Constitooshn, flag, and stars.

2. The Joodis Iskariot biznis.

3. Swingin around the cirkle.

At Stoobenville, agin, ez follows:

1. Joodis Iskariot.

2. Swingin around the cirkle.

3. Constitooshn, flag, and stars.

And so on. It's susceptible uv many changes. I thot uv that when I writ that speech, and divided it up into sections on purpose."

JOHNSTOWN, PA.--A bridge fell down, onto wich wuz 400 voters, killin a dozen uv em. His Eggslency felt releeved when heerin uv the axident, at bein asshoored that there wuzn't wun uv his supporters on the bridge. He considered it a speshl Providence. The condukter overheerd the remark, and answered, that ef any uv his supporters wuz killed in that seckshun they'd have to import wun for the purpose.

MIFFLIN, PA.--A enthoosiastic indivijjle who wants the Post Office at this place very much, fell on the President's neck, and wept, hailin him ez the "Preserver uv the Union." The President thanked him for this spontaneous triboot, and left in his hands the Constitooshun, the flag, and the appintment he desired.

BALTIMORE.--There wuz a spontaneous recepshun here, wich wuz gratifying to us. The perceshun wuz immense, and the mottoes expressive. One division wuz headed by the identikle indivijooel who fired the first shot at the Massachusetts men in 1861. He is a ardent supporter uv President Johnson's policy. One flag wuz capchered from a Injeany regiment at the first Bull Run, at wich the President wept. "Things is becomin normal," sed he, "when the people will stand that. Wat love!--wat unity! The flags uv both secshuns, wich was lately borne by foes, now minglin in the same proceshun, and all uv em cheerin ME."

At last we arrived at Washinton, hevin swung entirely round the cirkle, and found traitors North and South. The demonstrashen to greet the President on his arrival was immense. The clerks in all the departments wuz out (at least them ez wuzn't will wish they hed bin, ez their names wuz all taken), the solgers on duty wuz ordered out, and altogether it wuz the most spontaneous exhibition I ever witnest. The Mayor made a speech. The President asked if he was Joodis Iscariot who wuz the Saviour--told him he had swung around the entire cirkle, and hed found traitors on all sides uv it, though sence he left Cleveland, Chicago, and Indianapolis he wuz satisfied there wuz the heft uv them in the North; but be this ez it may, he left the Constooshn, and the 36 States, and the flag with 36 stars onto it, in his hands. He had bin Alderman uv his native village, and Congressman, and United States Senator, and Vice-President, and President, wich latter circumstance he considered forchinit, but wuz, after all, an Humble Indivij'le. He didn't feel his oats much, and wood do his dooty agin traitors North, ez well as agin his misguided friends South.

And so ended the Presidential excursion.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.

P.S. I forgot to menshun that at Chicago we laid the corner-stone uv a monument to Douglas. The occurence hed entirely slipped my memory.

P.V.N.

XXXIII.

At Home again.--A detailed Account of Soul-harrowing Outrages inflicted upon the People of Confederate × Roads by a Party of Freedmen, and how the Insult was wiped out.

POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), September 16, 1866.

I found my flock in a terrible state uv depression, at which, when I wuz told the cause, I didn't wonder at. There wuz, back of the Corners on the side hill, over towards Garrettstown, about three quarters uv a mile this side of Abbott's grocery (we estimate distance here from one grocery to another), five or six families uv niggers. The males of this settlement had all been in the Federal army ez soljers, and hed saved their pay, and bounty, and sich, and hed bought uv a disgustid Confederate, who proposed to find in Mexico that freedom which was denied him here, and who, bein determined to leave the country, didn't care who he sold his plantashen to, so ez he got greenbax, three hundred acres, wich they hed divided up, and built cabins onto em, and wuz a cultivatin it. There wuz a store-keeper at the Corners who come here from Illinoy, and who hed been so greedy uv gain and so graspin ez to buy their prodoose uv em, and sell em sich supplies ez they needed. These accursed sons and daughters of Ham was a livin there in comfort. The thing was a gittin unendoorable. They come to the Corners dressed in clothes without patches, and white shirts, and hats on; and the females in dresses, and hoops under em; in short, these apes hed assoomed so much uv the style uv people that ef it hadn't bin for their black faces, they wood have passed for folks.

Our people become indignant, and ez soon ez I returned, I was requested to call a meetin to consider the matter, which I uv course did.

The horn wuz tootid, and the entire Corners wuz assembled, eggscepting the Illinoy store-keeper, who didn't attend to us much. I stated briefly and elokently (I hev improved in public speakin sense I heered His Serene Highness, Androo the I., all the way from Washinton to Looisville), and asked the brethren to ease their minds.

Squire Gavitt hed observed the progress uv them niggers with the most profoundest alarm. He hed noticed em comin to the Corners, dressed better nor his family dressed, and sellin the produx uv their land to that wretch--

At this point the Illinoy store-keeper come in, and the Squire proceeded.

--he shood say Mr. Pollock, and he hed made inquiries, and found that one family hed sold three hundred and seventy-five dollars worth uv truck, this season, uv which they hed laid out for clothes and books two hundred dollars, leavin em one hundred and seventy-five dollars in cash, which was more money than he hed made sense the accursed Linkin passed the emancipashen proclamation. And what hed driv the iron into his soul wuz the fact that wun of them niggers wuz _his_ nigger. "The money they hev," pursood the Squire, "is MY MONEY; that man worth $1500 is my man; his wife is my woman; her children my children--"

"That's a literal fact!" shouted Joe Bigler, a drunken, returned Confederate sojer; "they hev yoor nose eggsactly, and they're the meanest yaller brats in the settlement."

This unhappy remark endid in a slite unpleasantness, wich resultid in the Squire's bein carried out, minus one ear, and his nose smashed. Joseph remarked that he'd wantid to git at him ever sense he woodn't lend him a half dollar two months ago. He was now satisfied, and hoped this little episode woodn't mar the harmony uv the meetin.

Elder Smathers observed that he hed noticed with pain that them niggers alluz hed money, and wuz alluz dresst well, while we, their sooperiors, hed no money, and nothin to boast uv in the way uv close. He wood say--

Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, put in. Ef the Elder wood work ez them niggers wuz workin, and not loaf over half the time at Bascom's grocery, he mite possibly hev a hull soot uv close, and now and then a dollar in money. It wuz here, ez it wuz in all strikly Dimekratic communities, the grocery keepers absorb all the floatin capital, and--

He wuz not allowed to proceed. Bascom flung a chair at him, and four or five uv his constitooents fell on him. He wuz carried out for dead. Bascom remarked that he wuz for the utmost freedom uv speech, but in the discussion uv a grate Constooshnel question, no Illinoy Ablishnist shood put in his yawp. The patriotic remark wuz cheered, but when Bascom ask't the whole meetin out to drink, the applause wuz uproarious. Bascom alluz gets applause; he knows how to move an audience.

Deekin Pogram sed he'd bore with them niggers till his patience wuz gin out. He endoored it till last Sunday. After service he felt pensive, ruther, and walked out towards Garrettstown, meditatin, as he went, on the sermon he hed listened to that mornin on the necessity uv the spread of the Gospil. Mournin in sperit over the condition of the heathen, he didn't notis where he wuz till he found hisself in the nigger settlement, and in front uv one uv their houses. There he saw a site wich paralyzed him. There wuz a nigger, wich wuz wunst his nigger, wich Linkin deprived him uv, settin under his porch, and a profanin the Holy Bible by teachin his child to read it! "Kin this be endoored?" the Deekin asked.

Deekin Parkins sed he must bear his unworthy testimony agin these disturbers. They hed--he knowd whereof he spoke--hired a female woman from Massachusetts to teach their children! He hed bin in their skool-room, and with his own eyes witnest it.

Bascom, the grocery keeper, hed bin shocked at their conduct. He wuz convinct that a nigger wuz a beast. They come to the Corners to sell the produx of their lands; do they leave their money at his bar? Nary! They spend sum uv it at the store uv a disorganizer from Illinoy, who is here interferin with the biznis uv troo Southern men, but he hed never seed one uv em inside his door. He hed no pashence with em, and believed suthin shood be done to rid the community uv sich yooseless inhabitance. Ef they ever git votes they'r agin us. No man who dodges my bar ever votes straight Dimocrisy.

Ginral Punt moved that this meetin do to wunst proceed to the settlement, and clean em out. They wuz a reproach to Kentucky. Of course, ez they were heathens and savages, sich goods ez they hed wood fall to the righteous, uv whom we wuz which, and he insisted upon a fair divide. All he wanted wuz a bureau and a set uv chairs he hed seen.

The motion wuz amendid to inclood Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, and it wuz to wunst acted upon.

Pollock wuz reconstructed first. Filled with zeal for the right, his door wuz bustid in, and in a jiffy the goods wich he wuz a contaminatin our people with wuz distributed among the people, each takin sich ez sooted em. Wun man sejested that ez they wuz made by Yankees, and brought south by Yankees, that there wuz contaminashen in the touch uv em, and that they be burned, but he wuz hooted down, our people seein a distinction. The contaminashen wuz in payin for em; gittin em gratooitusly took the cuss off.

Elated, the crowd started for the settlement. I never saw more zeal manifested. A half hour brought us there, and then a scene ensood wich filled me with joy onspeekable. The niggers wuz routed out, and their goods wuz bundled after em. The Bibles and skool books wuz destroyed first, coz we hed no use for them; their chairs, tables, and bureaus, clothin and beddin, wuz distributed. A wooman hed the impudence to beg for suthin she fancied, when the righteous zeal uv my next door neighbor, Pettus, biled over, and he struck her. Her husband, forgettin his color, struck Pettus, and the outrage wuz completed. _A nigger hed raised his hand agin a white man!_

The insulted Caucashen blood riz, and in less than a minit the bodies uv six male Ethiopians wuz a danglin in the air, and the bodies uv six Ethiopian wimin wuz layin prostrate on the earth. The children wuz spared, for they wuz still young, and not hevin bin taught to read so far that they could not forgit it, ef kept carefully from books, they kin be brought up in their proper speer, ez servance to their brethern. (By the way, the inspired writer must hev yoosed this word "brethern," in this connection, figeratively. The nigger, bein a beast, cannot be our brother.) Some may censure us for too much zeal in this matter, but what else cood we hev dun? We are high toned, and can't stand everything. These niggers hed no rite to irritate us by their presence. They knowd our feelins on the subjick, and by buyin land and remainin in the visinity, they kindled the flame wich resulted ez it did. Ez they did in Memphis and Noo Orleans, they brought their fate onto their own heads.

Pollock recovered, and with the Yankee school marm who wuz a teechin the niggers, left for the North yesterday. It speeks well for the forbearance uv our people that they wuz permitted to depart at all.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise late Chaplin to the expedishn.

XXXIV.

Is requested to act as Chaplain of the Cleveland Convention.--That Beautiful City visited for that Purpose.

POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), September 20, 1866.

I wuz sent for to come to Washington, from my comfortable quarters at the Post Offis, to attend the convenshun uv sich soldiers and sailors uv the United States ez bleeve in a Union uv 36 States, and who hev sworn allejinse to a flag with 36 stars onto it, at Cleveland. My esteemed and life-long friend and co-laborer, Rev. HENRY WARD BEECHER, wuz to hev bin the chaplin uv the convenshun, but he failed us, and it wuz decided in a Cabinet meetin that I shood take his place. I didn't see the necessity uv hevin a chaplin at every little convenshun uv our party, and so stated; but Seward remarked, with a groan, that ef ever there wuz a party, since parties wuz invented, wich needed prayin for, ours wuz that party. "And, Parson," sed he, glancin at a list uv delegates, "ef yoo hev any agonizin petitions, any prayers uv extra fervency, offer em up for these fellers. Ef there is any efficacy in prayer, it's my honest, unbiased opinion that there never wuz in the history uv the world, nor never will be agin, sich a magnificent chance to make it manifest. Try yoorself particularly on Custer; tho', after all," continyood he, in a musin, abstracted sort uv a way, wich he's fallen into lately, "the fellow is sich a triflin bein, that he reely kin hardly be held 'sponsible for what he's doin; and the balance uv em, good Hevens! they'r mostly druv to it by hunger." And the Secretary maundered on suthin about "sixty days" and "ninety days," paying no more attention to the rest uv us than ez ef we wuzn't there at all.

So, receevin transportashen and suffishent money from the secret service fund for expenses, I departed for Cleveland, and after a tejus trip thro' an Ablishn country, I arrived there. My thots were gloomy beyond expression. I hed recently gone through this same country ez chaplin to the Presidential tour, and every stashen hed its pecooliar onpleasant remembrances. Here wuz where the cheers for Grant were vociferous, with nary a snort for His Eggslency; there wuz where the peasantry laft in his face when he went thro' with the regler ritooal uv presentin the constitooshn and the flag with 36 stars onto it to a deestrick assessor; there wuz--but why recount my sufferins? Why harrow up the public bosom, or lasserate the public mind? Suffice to say, I endoored it; suffice to say that I hed strength left to ride up Bank street, in Cleveland, the scen uv the most awful insult the Eggsecutive ever receeved.

The evenin I arrived, the delegates, sich ez wuz on hand, held a informal meetin to arrange matters so ez they wood work smooth when the crowd finally got together. Genral Wool wuz ez gay and frisky ez though he reely belonged to the last ginerashn. There wuz Custar, uv Michigan, with his hair freshly oiled and curled, and busslin about ez though he hed cheated hisself into the beleef that he reely amounted to suthin; and there wuz seventy-eight other men, who hed distinguished theirselves in the late war, but who hed never got their deserts, ceptin by brevet, owin to the fact that the Administrashn wuz Ablishn, which they wuzn't. They were, in a pekuniary pint uv view, suthin the worse for wear, tho' why that shood hev bin the case I coodent see (they hevin bin, to an alarmin extent, quartermasters and commissaries, and in the recrootin service), til I notist the prevailin color uv their noses, and heerd one uv em ask his neighbor ef Cleveland wuz blest with a faro bank! Then I knowd all about it.

There wuz another pekooliarity about it which for a time amoozed me. Them ez wuz present wuz divided into 2 classes--those ez hed bin recently appinted to posishens, and them ez expected to be shortly. I notist on the countenances uv the first class a look uv releef, sich ez I hev seen in factories Saturday nite, after the hands wuz paid off for a hard week's work; and on the other class the most wolfish, hungry, fierce expression I hev ever witnessed. Likewise, I notist that the latter set uv patriots talked more hefty uv the necessity uv sustainin the policy uv our firm and noble President, and damned the Ablishunists with more emphasis and fervency than the others.

One enthoosiastic individual, who hed bin quartermaster two years, and hed bin allowed to resign "jest after the battle, mother," wich, hevin his papers all destroyed, made settlin with the government a easy matter, wuz so feroshus that I felt called upon to check him. "Gently, my frend," sed I, "gently! I hev bin thro' this thing; I hev my commission. It broke out on me jest ez it hez on yoo; but yoo won't git yoor Assessorship a minit sooner for it."

"It ain't a Assessorship I want," sez he. "I hev devoted myself to the task uv bindin up the wounds uv my beloved country--"

"Did you stop anybody very much from inflictin them sed wounds?" murmured I.

"An ef I accept the Post Orfis in my native village,--which I hev bin solissited so strongly to take that I hev finally yielded,--I do it only that I may devote my few remainin energies wholly to the great cause uv restorin the 36 States to their normal posishens under the flag with 36 stars onto it, in spite uv the Joodis Iskariots wich, ef I am whom, wat is the Saviour, and--and where is--"

Perseevin that the unfortunate man hed got into the middle uv a quotashen from the speech uv our noble and patriotic President, and knowin his intellek wuzn't hefty enough to git it off jist as it wuz originally delivered, I took him by the throat, and shet off the flood uv his elokence.

"Be quiet, yoo idiot!" remarked I, soothingly, to him. "Yoo'll git your apintment, becoz, for the fust time in the history uv this or any other Republic, there's a market for jist sich men ez yoo; but all this blather won't fetch it a minit sooner."

"Good Lord!" tho't I, ez I turned away, "wat a President A.J. is, to hev to buy up _sich_ cattle! Wat a postmaster he must be, whose gineral cussedness turns _my_ stummick!"

It wuz deemed necessary to see uv wat we wuz compozed; whereupon Kernel K----, who is now Collector uv Revenue in Illinoy, asked ef there wuz ary man in the room who hed bin a prizner doorin the late fratricidle struggle. A gentleman uv, perhaps, thirty aroze, and sed he wuz. He hed bin taken three times, and wuz, altogether, 18 months in doorance vile in three diffrent prizns.

Custar fell on his neck, and asked him, aggitatidly, ef he wuz shoor--quite shoor, after sufferin all that, that he supported the policy of the President? Are you quite shoor--quite shoor?

"I am," returned the phenomenon. "I stand by Andrew Johnson and his policy, and I don't want no office!!"

"Hev yoo got wun?" shouted they all in korus.

"Nary!" sed he. "With me it is a matter uv principle!"

"Wat prizns wuz yoo incarcerated in?" asked I, lookin at him with wonder.

"Fust at Camp Morton, then at Camp Douglas, and finally at Johnson's Island!"

Custar dropt him, and the rest remarked that, while they hed a very helthy opinion uv him, they guessed he'd better not menshen his presence, or consider hisself a delegate. Ez ginerous foes they loved him ruther better than a brother; yet, as the call didn't quite inclood him, tho' there wuz a delightful oneness between em, yet, ef 'twuz all the same, he hed better not announce hisself. He wuz from Kentucky, I afterwards ascertained.

The next mornin, suthin over two hundred more arriv; and the delegashens bein all in, it wuz decided to go on with the show. A big tent hed bin brought on from Boston to accommodate the expected crowd, and quite an animated discussion arose ez to wich corner uv it the Convenshun wuz to ockepy. This settled, the biznis wuz begun. Genral WOOL wuz made temporary Chairman, to wich honor he responded in a elokent extemporaneous speech, which he read from manuscript. General EWING made another extemporaneous address, which he read from manuscript, and we adjourned for dinner.