Part 16

886. A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a very long face, that he had seen a ghost. When and where? said the pastor. Last night, replied the timid man, I was passing by the church, and up against the wall of it, did I behold the spectre. In what shape did it appear? replied the priest. It appeared in the shape of a great ass. Go home, and say not a word about it, rejoined the pastor: you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow.

887. A lady remarking to a bookseller that she had just had Crabbe’s Tales, and thought them excellent; another lady heard the observation with astonishment, and on the departure of the speaker, asked the bookseller, with a very grave face, If he could tell her how the crab’s tails were dressed, as she should like much to taste them.

888. A very worthy, though not particularly erudite, underwriter at Lloyd’s was conversing one day with a friend in the coffee-house, on the subject of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, Do you know, I shrewdly suspect our ship is in jeopardy. The devil she is! said he; well, I am glad that she has got into port at last.

889. Sir Thomas Overbury says, that the man who has not anything to boast of but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato plant―the only good belonging to him is under ground.

890. It is well known that the celebrated lawyer Dunning (afterwards Lord Ashburton) was a severe cross-examiner, unsparing in his sarcasms and reflections upon character, when he thought that the truth might be elicited by alarming a witness. He sometimes was harsh and overbearing, when milder behaviour would have done him more credit, and answered his purpose quite as well. Among the numerous rebukes which he received for this habit of severity, the following is related, from his brother barrister, Jack Lee. He mentioned to Lee that he had made a purchase of some manors in Devonshire. It would be well, said Lee, if you could bring them to Westminster Hall.

891. The late Lee Lewes shooting on a field, the proprietor attacked him violently: I allow no person, said he, to kill game on my manor but myself, and I’ll shoot you, if you come here again. What, said the other, I suppose you mean to make game of me.

892. George the Fourth, on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered Sheridan, in his biography of that statesman, observed: I won’t say that Mr. Moore has murdered Sheridan, but he has certainly attempted his life.

893. The late Duke of Norfolk was remarkably fond of his bottle. On a masquerade night, he consulted Foote as to what character he should appear in. Don’t go disguised, said Foote, but assume a new character; go sober.

894. Lord B―, who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr. O’Connell in Dublin, the latter said, When do you mean to place your whiskers on the peace establishment? When you place your tongue on the civil list! was the witty rejoinder.

895. A gentleman, at whose house Swift was once dining in Ireland, introduced at dinner remarkably small hock glasses, and at length turning to Swift addressed him,―Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of _hic_, _hæc_, _hoc_, with you. Sir, rejoined the doctor, I shall be happy to comply, but it must be out of a _hujus_ glass.

896. There were two very fat noblemen at the court of Louis the Fifteenth, the Duke de L― and the Duke de N―. They were both one day at the levee, when the king began to rally the former on his corpulence. You take no exercise, I suppose, said the king. Pardon me, sire, said de L―, I walk twice a day round my cousin de N―.

897. An avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining on Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow. O, yes, retorted the half-starved lad, but I ha’nt eaten for yesterday and to-day yet, father.

898. Shortly after the commencement of the last war, a tax was laid on candles, which, as a political economist would prove, made them dear. A Scotch wife, in Greenock, remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that the price was raised, and asked why. It’s a’ owin’ to the war, said Paddy. The war! said the astonished matron, gracious me! are they gaun to fight by candle light?

899. Dr. Parr, who, it is well known, was not very partial to the Thea linensis, although lauded so warmly by a French writer as _nostris gratissima musis_, being invited to take tea by a lady, with true classic wit and refined gallantry, uttered the following delicate compliment:―_Non possum te-cum vivere, nec sine te!_

900. Benjamin Franklin, when a child, found the long graces used by his father before and after meals, very tedious. One day, after the winter’s provisions had been salted―I think, father, said Benjamin, if you were to say grace over the whole cask once for all, it would be a great saving of time.

901. Mr. Pitt, said the Duchess of Gordon, I wish you to dine with me at ten this evening. I must decline the honour, said the premier, for I am engaged to sup with the Bishop of Lincoln at nine.

902. Burnet relates that the Habeas Corpus Act was carried by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lords Grey and Norris being named the tellers, and Lord Norris being subject to vapours, was not at all times attentive; on a very fat lord passing, Lord Grey counted him as ten, as a jest at first, but seeing Lord Norris had not observed it, he went on, and it was reported to the house, and it was declared, that they who were for the bill, were the majority, though it was really on the other side; and by this means the bill was passed. Would that all tricks had the same happy results!

903. The late Bonnel Thornton, like most wits, was a lover of conviviality, which frequently led him to spend the whole night in company, and all the next morning in bed. On one of these occasions, an old female relation, having waited on him before he had risen, began to read him a familiar lecture on prudence; which she concluded by saying, Ah! Bonnel, Bonnel! I see plainly that you’ll shorten your days. Very true, Madam, replied he, but, by the same rule, you must admit that I shall lengthen my nights.

904. An attorney, who was much molested by a fellow importuning him to bestow something, threatened to have him taken up as a common beggar. A beggar! exclaimed the man, I would have you to know that I am of the same profession as yourself; are we not both solicitors? That may be, friend, yet there is this difference―you are not a legal one, which I am.

905. Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neckcloth of his companion, said, I see you are a Grecian. Pooh! said the other, that’s far-fetched. No, indeed, said the punster, I made it on the spot.

906. Foote being in company, and the Tuscan grape producing more riot than concord, he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle at his antagonist’s head; upon which, catching the missile in his hand, he restored the harmony of the company, by observing, that if the bottle was passed so quickly, not one of them would be able to stand out the evening.

907. On Mr. H. Erskine’s receiving his appointment to succeed Mr. Dundas, as justiciary in Scotland, he exclaimed that he must go and order his silk robe. Never mind, said Mr. Dundas, for the short time you will want it, you had better borrow mine! No! replied Erskine, how short a time soever I may need it, heaven forbid that I commence my career by adopting the abandoned habits of my predecessor.

908. Lord Mansfield being willing to save a man who stole a watch, desired the jury to value it at tenpence; upon which the prosecutor cried out, Tenpence, my lord! why the very fashion of it cost me five pounds. Oh, said his lordship, we must not hang a man for fashion’s sake.

909. One morning a party came into the public rooms at Buxton, somewhat later than usual, and requested some tongue. They were told that Lord Byron had eaten it all. I am very angry with his lordship, said a lady, loud enough for him to hear the observation. I am sorry for it, madam, retorted Lord Byron; but before I ate the tongue, I was assured you did not want it.

910. Sir William Gooch being engaged in conversation with a gentleman in a street of the city of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of a negro, who was passing by about his master’s business. Sir William, said the gentleman, do you descend so far as to salute a slave? Why, yes, replied the governor; I cannot suffer a man of his condition to exceed me in good manners.

911. A learned Irish Judge, among other peculiarities, has a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. On his circuit, a short time since, his favourite expression was employed in a singular manner. At the close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the court reminded him that he had not passed sentence on one of the criminals, as he had intended―Dear me! said his lordship, I really beg his pardon―bring him in.

912. Dr. Parr and Lord Erskine are said to have been the vainest men of their time. At dinner, some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasy with the conversational powers of Lord E., called out to him, My lord, I mean to write your epitaph. Dr. Parr, replied the noble lawyer, it is a temptation to commit suicide.

913. Gibbon the historian, notwithstanding his shortness and rotundity, was very gallant. One day being alone with Madame de Cronuas, Gibbon wished to seize the favourable moment, and suddenly dropping on his knees, he declared his love in the most passionate terms. Madame de Cronuas replied in a tone to prevent the repetition of such a scene. Gibbon was thunder-struck, but still remained on his knees, though frequently desired to get up and resume his seat. Sir, said Madame de Cronuas, will you have the goodness to rise? Alas, madam, replied the unhappy lover, I cannot―(his size prevented him from rising without assistance)―upon this Madame de Cronuas rang the bell, saying to the servant, Assist Mr. Gibbon up.

914. An Irishman, who served on board a man-of-war in the capacity of a waister, was selected by one of the officers to haul in a tow-line, of considerable length, that was towing over the taffrail. After rowsing-in forty or fifty fathoms, which had put his patience severely to proof, as well as every muscle of his arms, he muttered to himself, By my soul, it’s as long as to-day and to-morrow!―It’s a good week’s work for any five in the ship!―Bad luck to the arm or leg it’ll lave me at last!―What! more of it yet!―Och, murder; the sa’s mighty deep, to be sure! When, after continuing in a similar strain, and conceiving there was little probability of the completion of the labour, he stopped suddenly short, and addressing the officer of the watch, exclaimed, Bad manners to me sir, if I don’t think somebody’s cut off the other end of it!

915. Rose, private secretary to Louis XIV., having married his daughter to M. Portail, president of the parliament, was constantly receiving from his son-in-law, complaints of his daughter’s ill temper. To one of these he at length answered, that he was fully convinced of her misconduct, and was resolved to punish her for it: in short, that if he heard any more of it, he would disinherit her. He heard no more.

916. It was some years ago said in the parliament-house at Edinburgh, that a gentleman who was notorious for a pretty good appetite, had eaten away his senses. Poh! replied Erskine, they would not be a mouthful to a man of his bowels.

917. Sir Watkin Williams Wynne talking to a friend about the antiquity of his family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere mushroom of yesterday. How so, pray? said the baronet. Why continued the other, when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular family was shown to me: it filled up above five large skins of parchment, and near the middle of it was a note in the margin―About this time the world was created.

918. A gentleman having occasion to call upon Mr. Joseph Graham, writer, found him at home in his writing chamber. He remarked the great heat of the apartment, and said, It was hot as an oven. So it ought, replied Mr. G., for ’tis here I make my bread.

919. Judge Burnet, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by his father in a very serious humour, What is the matter with you, Tom? said the bishop; what are you ruminating on? A greater work than your Lordship’s History of the Reformation, answered the son. Ay! what is that? asked the father. The reformation of myself, my lord, replied the son.

920. A facetious abbé having engaged a box at the opera-house at Paris, was turned out of his possession by a marshal of France, as remarkable for his ungentlemanlike behaviour as for his cowardice and meanness. The abbé, for his unjustifiable breach of good manners, brought his action in a court of honour, and solicited permission to be his own advocate, which was granted, when he pleaded to the following effect:―It is not of Monsieur Suffrein, who acted so nobly in the East Indies, that I complain; it is not of the Duke de Crebillon, who took Minorca, that I complain; it is not of the Comte de Grasse, who so bravely fought Lord Rodney, that I complain; but it is of Marshal ―, who took my box at the opera-house, and never took anything else. This most poignant stroke of satire so sensibly convinced the court that he had already inflicted punishment sufficient, that they refused to grant him a verdict―a fine compliment to the abbé’s wit.

921. Frederic, conqueror as he was, sustained a severe defeat at Coslin in the war of 1755. Some time after, at a review, he jocosely asked a soldier, who had got a deep cut in his cheek, Friend, at what alehouse did you get that scratch? I got it, said the soldier, at Coslin, where your majesty paid the reckoning.

922. During an action of Admiral Rodney with the French, a woman assisted at one of the guns on the main deck, and being asked by the admiral, what she did there? she replied, An’t please your honour, my husband is sent down to the cockpit wounded, and I am here to supply his place: do you think, your honour, I am afraid of the French?

923. The celebrated Bubb Doddington was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the general, the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep; and to prove he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story, and Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. And yet, said Doddington, I did not hear a word of it; but I went to sleep because I knew that about this time you would tell that story.

924. When the late Duchess of Kingston wished to be received at the court of Berlin, she got the Russian minister there to mention her intention to his Prussian majesty, and to tell him at the same time, that her fortune was at Rome, her bank at Venice, but that her heart was at Berlin. The king replied, I am sorry we are only intrusted with the worst part of her grace’s property.

925. Fletcher, Bishop of Nismes, was the son of a tallow-chandler. A proud duke once endeavoured to mortify the prelate, by saying, at the levee, that he smelt of tallow: to which the bishop replied, My lord, I am the son of a chandler, it is true, and if your lordship had been, you would have remained so all the days of your life.

926. Zimmerman, who was very eminent as a physician, went from Hanover to attend Frederic the Great in his last illness. One day the king said to him, You have, I presume, sir, helped many a man into another world? This was a rude speech, and an unpleasant pill for the doctor; but the dose he gave the king in return, was a judicious mixture of truth and flattery: Not so many as your majesty, nor with so much honour to myself.

927. During the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their houses from being burned or pulled down, wrote on the outside, No Popery! Old Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, No Religion.

928. Mr. Palmer going home, after the business of the theatre was concluded one evening, saw a man lying on the ground, with another on him beating him violently; upon this he remonstrated with the uppermost, telling him his conduct was unfair, and that he ought to let his opponent get up, and have an equal chance with him. The fellow drolly turned up his face to Mr. Palmer, and drily replied, Faith, sir, if you had been at as much trouble to get him down as I have, you would not be for letting him get up so readily.

929. A French ambassador at an audience with James I. conversed with such rapidity, gesticulation, and grimace, as excited the wonder and conversation of the court. James afterwards asked Lord Chancellor Bacon, what he thought of the ambassador. Sire, replied the philosopher, he appears a fine, tall, well-built man. I mean, interrupted the king, what do you think of his head? is it equal to his employment? Sire, answered Bacon, men of high stature very often resemble houses of four or five stories, where the upper one is always the worst furnished.

930. In Mr. Fox’s frolicsome days, a tradesman, who held his bill for two hundred pounds, called for payment. Charles said he could not then discharge it. How can that be? said the creditor; you have just now lying before you bank notes to a large amount. Those, replied Mr. Fox, are for paying my debts of honour. The tradesman immediately threw his bill into the fire. Now, sir, said he, mine is a debt of honour, which I cannot oblige you to pay. Charles, much to his honour, instantly paid him his full demand.

931. The Duke d’Ossuna, being viceroy of Naples, went on board a Spanish galley, on a festival, to exercise his right of delivering one of the wretches from punishment. On interrogating them why they were brought there, they all asserted their innocence but one, who confessed that his punishment was too small for his crimes. The duke said, Here, take away this rascal, lest he should corrupt all these honest men!

932. V― having satirized a nobleman who was powerful at court, the latter sought every occasion to revenge himself, and challenged V― to fight him with swords. We are not equals, replied the poet; you are very great, I am little; you are brave, I am cowardly; you wish to kill me―_eh bien_, I will consider myself as dead. This timely jest turned the anger of the nobleman into irrestrainable laughter, and they parted good friends.

933. In the time of the old court, the faces of the Parisian ladies were spotted with patches like pards, and plastered with rouge like so many red lions of the roadside. Lord Chesterfield, being at Paris, was asked by Voltaire, if he did not think some French ladies, then in company, whose cheeks were fashionably tinted, very beautiful. Excuse me, said Chesterfield, from giving an opinion: I am really no judge of amateur painting.

934. George II. passing through his chamber one evening, preceded by a single page, a small canvas bag of guineas, which he held in his hand, accidentally dropped, and one of them rolled under a closet door, in which wood was usually kept for the use of his bed-chamber. After the king had very deliberately picked up the money, he found himself deficient of a guinea; and, guessing where it went, Come, said he to the page, we must find this guinea; here, help me to throw out the wood. The page and he accordingly went to work, and after some time found it. Well, said the king, you have wrought hard, there is the guinea for your labour, but I would have nothing lost.

935. A beauish marquis waited on some ladies, in order to take them to the Paris Observatory, where the celebrated Cassini was to observe an eclipse of the sun. The arrival of this party had been delayed by the toilet; and the eclipse was over when the petit-maitre appeared at the door. He was informed he had come too late, and that all was over. Never mind, ladies, said he, step up; Monsieur Cassini is a particular friend of mine; he will be so obliging as to begin again for me.

936. When Rabelais was on his death-bed, a consultation of physicians was called. Dear gentlemen, said the wit to the doctors, raising his languid head, let me die a natural death.

937. Dr. Busby, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day accosted in a public coffee-room, by an Irish baronet of colossal stature, with, May I pass to my seat, O Giant? When the doctor, politely making way, replied, Pass, O Pigmy! Oh, sir, said the baronet, my expression alluded to the size of your intellect. And my expression, sir, said the doctor, to the size of your’s.

938. An apothecary, who used to value himself on his knowledge of drugs, asserted that all bitter things were hot. No, said a gentleman present, there is one of a very different quality―a bitter cold day.

939. Philip, Earl Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House of Peers by a door-keeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the house without explaining who he was; and the door-keeper, equally determined on his part, said to him, Honest man, you have no business here; honest man, you can have no business in this place. I believe, rejoined his lordship, you are right; honest men have no business here.

940. When the late King of Denmark was in England, he very frequently honoured Sir Thomas Robinson with his company, though the knight spoke French in a very imperfect manner, and the king had scarce any knowledge of English. One day, when Sir Thomas was in company with the late Lord Chesterfield, and boasted much of his intimacy with the king, and added, that he believed the monarch had a greater friendship for him than any man in England, How report lies, exclaimed Lord Chesterfield; I heard no later than this day, that you never met but a great deal of bad language passed between you.

941. One of the most flattering and ingenious compliments Frederick ever paid, was that which he addressed to the celebrated General Laudohn, at the time of his interview with the emperor at the camp of Neiss. After they had discoursed for about an hour, the two monarchs sat down to dinner, with the princes and general officers in their train. Marshal Laudohn, who had been invited among the rest, was about to seat himself at the bottom of the table, but the king bade him come and sit by him, saying, Come here, General Laudohn; I have always wished to see you on my side, instead of fronting me.

942. Dr. Walcot, better known as Peter Pindar, called one day upon a bookseller in Paternoster Row, the publisher of his works, by way of inquiring into the literary and other news of the day. After some chat, the doctor was asked to take a glass of wine with the seller of his wit and poetry. Our author consented to accept of a little negus as an innocent morning beverage; when instantly was presented to him a cocoa-nut goblet, with the face of a man carved on it. Eh! eh! said the doctor, what have we here? A man’s skull, replied the bookseller; a poet’s for what I know. Nothing more likely, rejoined the facetious doctor, for it is universally known that all you booksellers drink your wine from our skulls.

943. A gentleman who was dining with another, praised very much the meat, and asked who was the butcher? His name is Addison. Addison! echoed the guest, pray is he any relation to the poet? In all probability he is, for he is seldom without his steel (Steele) by his side.