Part 15

829. Some one seeing a beggar in his shirt, in winter, as brisk as another muffled up to the ears in furs, asked him how he could endure to go so? The man of many wants replied, Why, sir, you go with your face bare; I am all face. A good reply, for a regular beggar, whether taken in a jocose or a philosophical sense.

830. How do you find yourself, Mrs. Judy? said a St. Bartholomew’s surgeon, after taking off the arm of an Irish basket-woman. How do I find myself? why, without my arm―how the devil else should I?

831. A loving husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe for his wife’s eyes, which were very sore. Let her wash them, said the doctor, every morning, with a small glass of brandy. A few weeks after, the doctor chanced to meet the husband. Well, my friend, has your wife followed my advice? She has done everything in her power to do it, doctor, said the spouse, but she never could get the glass higher than her mouth.

832. Two Scotch clergymen, who were not so long-headed as they themselves imagined, met one day at the turning of a street, and ran their heads together unawares. The shock was rather stunning to one of them. He pulled off his hat, and laying his hand on his forehead, said, Sic a thump! my heed’s a’ ringing again. Nae wonder, said his companion, your heed was aye Boss (empty), that makes it ring; my heed disna ring a bit. How could it ring, said the other, seeing it is cracket? cracket vessels never ring.―Each described the other to a T.

833. I will save you a thousand pounds, said an Irishman to an old gentleman, if you don’t stand in your own light. How? You have a daughter, and you intend to give her ten thousand as a marriage portion. I do, sir. I will take her with nine thousand.

834. An Irishman telling what he called an excellent story, a gentleman observed, he had met with it in a book published many years ago. Confound those ancients, said Teague, they are always stealing one’s good thoughts.

835. A man of the name of Mark Noble, passing by the garrison at Hull, the sentinel, as usual, called out, Who goes there? Twenty shillings, answered Mark. That cannot be, said the sentinel. Why, a Mark and a Noble make twenty shillings, said Mark.

836. I live in Julia’s eyes, said an affected dandy in Colman’s hearing. I don’t wonder at it, replied George, since I observed she had a sty in them when I saw her last.

837. A veteran at the battle of Trafalgar, who was actively employed at one of the guns on the quarter-deck of the Britannia, had his leg shot off below the knee, and observed to an officer, who was ordering him to be conveyed to the cockpit, That’s but a shilling touch; an inch higher and I should have had my eighteen pence for it; alluding by this to the scale of pensions allowed for wounds, which, of course, increase according to their severity. The same hearty fellow, as they were lifting him on a brother tar’s shoulders, said to one of his friends, Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the silver buckle out of my shoe; I’ll do as much for you, please God, some other time.

838. Some time after Louis XIV. had collated the celebrated Bossuet to the bishopric of Meaux, he asked the citizens how they liked their new bishop. Why, your majesty, we like him pretty well. Pretty well! why what fault have you to find with him? To tell your majesty the truth, we should have preferred having a bishop who had finished his education; for whenever we wait upon him, we are told that he is at his studies.

839. A boy who did not return after the holidays to Winchester school, by the time the master had charged him to do, returned at last loaded with a fine ham, as a bribe. The master took the ham, and told him, that he might give his compliments to his mother for the ham, but assured him it should not save his bacon, and flogged him.

840. Previous to a late general election, two candidates for a northern county met in a ball-room. Why do you sit still? said a friend, to one of them, whilst your opponent is tripping it so assiduously with the electors’ wives and daughters? The aspirant for parliamentary fame replied, I have no objection to his dancing for the county, if I am allowed to sit for it.

841. An uninformed Irishman, hearing the Sphinx alluded to in company, whispered to a friend, Sphinx! who is he now? A monster-man. Oh, a Munster man! I thought he was from Connaught, replied the Irishman, determined not to seem totally unacquainted with the family.

842. An Irish gentleman, sojourning at Mitchner’s Hotel, Margate, felt much annoyed at the smallness of the bottles, considering the high price of the wine. One evening, taking his glass with a friend in the coffee-room, the pompous owner came in, when the gentleman, after apologizing to Mitchner, told him he and his friend had laid a wager, which he must decide, by telling him what profession he was bred to. Mitchner, after some hesitation at the question, answered that he was bred to the law. Then, said the gentleman, I have lost, for I laid that you was bred a packer. A packer, sir! said Mitchner, swelling like a turkey-cock, what could induce you, sir, to think I was bred a packer? Why, sir, said the other, I judged so from your wine measures, for I thought no man but a skilful packer could put a quart of wine into a pint bottle.

843. Lady Carteret, wife of the lord lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift’s time, said to him, The air of this country is good. For God’s sake, madam, said Swift, don’t say so in England: if you do they will certainly tax it.

844. King Charles II. was reputed a great connoisseur in naval architecture. Being once at Chatham, to view a ship just finished, on the stocks, he asked the famous Killigrew, if he did not think he should make an excellent shipwright? who pleasantly replied, He always thought his majesty would have done better at any other trade than his own. No favourable compliment, but as true a one, perhaps, as ever was paid.

845. One day Dean Swift observed a great rabble assembled before the deanery door, in Kevin Street, and upon inquiring into the cause of it, he was told they were waiting to see the eclipse. He immediately sent for the beadle and told him what he should do. Away ran Davy for his bell, and after ringing it some time among the crowd, bawled out―O yes, O yes? all manner of persons here concerned are desired to take notice, that it is the Dean of St. Patrick’s good will and pleasure, that the eclipse be put off till this time to-morrow! so God save the king and his reverence the dean. The mob upon this dispersed; only some Irish wit, more shrewd and cunning than the rest, said, with great self-complacency, that they would not lose another afternoon, for that the dean, who was a very comical man, might take it into his head to put off the eclipse again, and so make fools of them a second time.

846. Some school-boys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to her, Good morning, mother of asses! Good morning, my children, was the reply.

847. A clergyman being at the point of death, a neighbouring brother, who had some interest with his patron, applied to him for the next presentation; upon which the former, who soon recovered, upbraided him with a breach of friendship, and said he wanted his death. No, no, doctor, said the other, you quite mistake: it was your living I wanted.

848. A gentleman in company complaining that he was very subject to catch cold in his feet, another, not over-loaded with sense, told him that might easily be prevented, if he would follow his directions. I always get, said he, a thin piece of lead out of an India chest, and fit it to my shoe for this purpose. Then, sir, said the former, you are like a rope-dancer’s pole, you have lead at both ends.

849. The late Duchess of Kingston, who was remarkable for having a very high sense of her own dignity, being one day detained in her carriage by a cart of coals that was unloading in the street, she leaned with both her arms upon the door, and asked the fellow, How dare you, sirrah, stop a woman of quality in the street? Woman of quality! replied the man. Yes, fellow, rejoined her grace, don’t you see my arms upon my carriage? Yes, I do, indeed, said he, and a pair of plaguy coarse arms they are.

850. A worthy churchwarden of Canterbury lately excused himself, by note, from a dinner party, by alleging that he was engaged in taking the senses (census) of his parish.

851. On the day for renewing the licences of the publicans in the West Riding of Yorkshire, one of the magistrates said to an old woman who kept a little alehouse, that he trusted she did not put any pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she replied, There is nought pernicious put into our barrels but the exciseman’s stick.

852. Some soldiers at Chelsea were bragging of the privations they had often undergone; when one of them said, he had slept for weeks on rough boards, with a wooden pillow; the other observed, that was a comfort to what he endured, having slept night after night, in Italy, on marble. An Irish fisherman, who was in company, observed, It was all bother and nonsense, for he had often slept on a bed of oysters.

853. A droll fellow, who got a livelihood by fiddling at fairs and about the country, was one day met by an acquaintance that had not seen him a great while, who accosted him thus: Bless me! what, are you alive? Why not? answered the fiddler; did you send anybody to kill me? No, replied the other, but I was told you were dead. Ay, so it was reported, it seems, said the fiddler, but I knew it was false as soon as I heard it.

854. Mr. M―, the artist, was reading the paper the other day, while his boy, who had the daily task of preparing his palette for him, was rubbing in the various tints, when the boy suddenly stopped, and, with an anxious look, said, Pray, sir, I have heard so much about it, will you have the goodness to tell me what is the Color o’ Morbus?

855. Milton, the British Homer, and prince of modern poets, in his latter days, and when he was blind―(a thing some men do with their eyes open), married a shrew. The Duke of Buckingham one day, in Milton’s hearing, called her a rose. I am no judge of flowers, observed Milton, but it may be so, for I feel the thorns daily.

856. One of the wooden mitres, carved by Gui. Gibbon, over one of the stalls, in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become loose, Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether he should make it fast; for, perhaps, said Jessy, it may fall on your reverence’s head. Well, Jessy, suppose it does, answered the humorous Cantab, suppose it does fall on my head, I don’t know that a mitre falling on my head would hurt it.

857. A gentleman of Magdalen College, whose name was Nott, returning late from his friend’s rooms in rather a merry mood, and, not quite able to preserve his centre of gravity, in his way home, attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his name and college. I am Nott of Maudlin, was the hiccuping reply. Sir, said the proctor, in an angry tone, I did not ask of what college you are not, but of what college you are. I am Nott of Maudlin, was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, whither having arrived, he demanded of the porter whether he knew the gentleman. Know him, sir, said the porter, yes, it is Mr. Nott, of this college. The proctor now perceived his error in not understanding the gentleman, and, laughing heartily at the affair, wished him a good night.

858. Bishop Sherlock and Hoadly were both fresh-men of the same year, at Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were first lectured, was Tully’s Offices, and it so happened, one morning, that Hoadly received a compliment from the tutor for the excellence of his construing. Sherlock, a little vexed at the preference shown to his rival (for such they then were), and, thinking to bore Hoadly by the remark, said, when they left the lecture-room, Ben, you made good use of L’Estrange’s translation to-day. Why, no, Tom, retorted Hoadly, I did not, for I had not got one; and I forgot to borrow yours, which is the only one in the college.

859. A cockney sportsman, being out one day amusing himself with shooting, happened to fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man, standing or leaning, no matter which. The shot passed through the man’s hat, but missed the bird. Did you fire at me, sir? he hastily asked. O no, sir, said the shrewd sportsman, I never hit what I fire at.

860. Some persons broke into the stables belonging to a troop of horse, which was quartered at Carlisle, and wantonly docked the tail of every horse close to the rump. The captain, relating the circumstance next day, to a brother officer, said he was at a loss what to do with the horses. I fancy you must dispose of them by wholesale, was the reply. Why by wholesale? Because you’ll certainly find it impossible to retail them.

861. At one of the Holland House Sunday dinner-parties, a few years ago, Crockford’s club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hostess observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous than the rage for play among men. In short, you think, said Mr. Rogers, that clubs are worse than diamonds. This joke excited a laugh, and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following impromptu sermonet―most appropriately on a card;

Thoughtless that “all that’s brightest fades,” Unmindful of that Knave of Spades, The Sexton and his Subs: How foolishly we play our parts! Our wives on diamonds set their hearts, We set our hearts on clubs.

862. The Duke of Clarence jocularly observing to a captain of the navy, that he heard he read the Bible, wished to know what he had learned from it. The captain replied that there was one part of Scripture, at least, which he well remembered, and thought it contained an admirable lesson. What is that? cried the duke. Not to put my trust in princes! your royal highness.

863. Mr. Abrahams, said Lord Mansfield, this man is your son, and cannot go in the same bail bond. He ish not my son, my lord. Why, Mr. Abrahams, here are twenty in court will prove it. I will shwear, my lord, he ish not. Take care, Abrahams, or I will send you to the King’s Bench. Now, my lord, if your lordship pleases, I will tell you the truth. Well, I shall be glad to hear the truth from a Jew, replied Lord Mansfield. My lord, I wash in Amsterdam two years and three quarters; when I came home I findish this lad; now the law obliges me to maintain him; and consequently, my lord, he ish but my son-in-law. Well, rejoined Lord Mansfield, this is the best definition of a son-in-law I ever heard.

864. An Irishman being told that a friend of his had put his money in the stocks, Well, said he, I never had a farthing in the stocks, but I have had my legs often enough in them.

865. Dr. Fuller having requested one of his companions, who was a bon vivant, to make an epitaph for him, received the following, with the conceit of which he always expressed himself much pleased―“Here lies Fuller’s earth.”

866. Two Irish seamen being on board a ship of war that was lying at Spithead, one of them, looking on Haslar Hospital, observed, How much that building puts me in mind of my father’s stables. Arrah, my honey, cried the other, come with me, and I will shew you what will put you in mind of your father’s house. So saying, he led him to the pig-sty. There, said he, does not that put you in mind of your father’s parlour?

867. At a violent opposition election for Shrewsbury, in the reign of George I., a half-pay officer, who was a non-resident burgess, was, with some other voters, brought down from London at the expense of Mr. Kynaston, one of the candidates. The old campaigner regularly attended and feasted at the houses which were opened for the electors in Mr. Kynaston’s interest, until the last day of the polling, when, to the astonishment of the party, he gave his vote to his opponent. For this strange conduct he was reproached by his quondam companions, and asked, what could have induced him to act so dishonourable a part, and become an apostate. An apostate! answered the old soldier―an apostate! by no means. I made up my mind about whom I should vote for before I set out upon this campaign; but I remembered the duke’s constant advice to us when I served with our army in Flanders―Always quarter upon the enemy, my lads; always quarter upon the enemy.

868. One of those Hibernian lapidaries to whose skill the London pavements are so highly indebted, was tried at the Old Bailey one day for biting off the nose of a Welchman, a brother paviour, in a quarrel, at their work. The unfortunate Cambrian appeared in court with his noseless countenance, and swore the fact against the prisoner; but Dennis stoutly denied it, and called his gossip, another Hibernian paviour, to give evidence in his defence. This witness, with great apparent simplicity, stated, That to be sure his gossip and the other man had a little bit of a scrimmage, and both fell together; that the Welchman made several attempts to bite his gossip’s face, and at last he made a twist of his mouth, and bit off his own nose in a mistake.

869. Counsellor Crips, of Cork, being on a party at Castle Martyr, the seat of the Earl of Shannon, in Ireland, one of the company, who was a physician, strolled out before dinner into the church-yard. Dinner being served up, and the doctor not returned, some of the company were expressing their surprise where he could be gone to. Oh, said the counsellor, he is but just stepped out to pay a visit to some of his old patients.

870. Sir John Davis, a Welchman, in the reign of King James I., wrote a letter to the king in these words: Most mighty Prince! the gold mine that was lately discovered in Ballycurry turns out to be a lead one.

871. An Irish gentleman in company, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to render the darkness visible, called out lustily, Here, waiter, let me have a couple of daycent candles, just that I may see how these others burn.

872. An Irishman lately arriving in London, and passing through Broad Street, observed a glass globe, containing some fine large gold fish, he exclaimed―And sure, this is the first time in my life that I have seen live red herrings.

873. The father of the celebrated Sheridan was one day descanting on the pedigree of his family, regretting that they were no longer styled the O’Sheridans, as they were formerly. Indeed, father, replied Sheridan, then a boy, we have more right to the O than any one else; for we owe everybody.

874. A country carpenter having neglected to make a gibbet (which was ordered by the executioner), on the ground that he had not been paid for the last he erected, gave so much offence, that the next time the judge went the circuit he was sent for. Fellow, said the judge, in a stern tone, how came you to neglect making the gibbet that was ordered on my account? I humbly beg your pardon, said the carpenter, had I known it had been for your lordship, it should have been done immediately.

875. An Intendant of Montpellier, having lost his lady, was solicitous that the chief officers of the city should attend her funeral obsequies. This honour the magistrates thought proper to refuse, because it was not customary, and might introduce a bad precedent. With a view, however, to conciliate the favour of a person whom it would not be their interest to offend, they politely added, If, sir, it had been your own funeral, we should have attended it with the greatest pleasure.

876. An Irish bookseller, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he had personal objection, he might legally challenge them. Faith, and so I will, replied he; if they do not bring me off handsomely I will shoot every man of them.

877. A prisoner confined in a French prison for a petty debt, lately sent to his creditor, to let him know he had a proposal to make for their mutual benefit. The creditor came, and the incarcerated thus addressed him: Sir, I have been thinking that it is a very idle thing for me to be here, and put you to the expense of twenty sous a day. My being so chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness, and God knows what it may cost you in the end. Therefore, I propose that you should let me out of prison, and, instead of a franc, you shall allow me only ten sous a day, and the other half franc shall go towards the discharge of the debt.[3]

[3] By the French law a creditor is bound to allow his debtor a franc a day so long as he detains him in prison.

878. Porson was no less distinguished for his wit and humour during his residence in Cambridge, than for his profound learning; and he would frequently divert himself by sending quizzical morceaux, in the shape of notes, to his companions. He one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, who is now a D.D. and master of his college, requesting him to find the value of nothing; next day he met his friend walking, and, stopping him, he desired to know, whether he had succeeded? His friend answered, Yes. And what may it be? asked Porson. Sixpence! replied he, which I gave the man for bringing the note.

879. A fellow of atrocious ugliness chanced to pick up a looking-glass on his road. But when he looked at himself he flung it away in a rage, crying, Curse you, if you were good for anything you would not have been thrown away by your owner.

880. Dr. Graham being on his stage at Chelmsford, in Essex, in order to promote the sale of his medicines, told the country people that he came there for the good of the public, not for want. Then speaking to his merry Andrew, Andrew, said he, do we come here for want? No, faith, sir, said Andrew, we have enough of that at home.

881. An Irish gentleman meeting his nephew, who told him he had just been entered at college, replied, I am extremely happy to hear it; make the most of your time and abilities, and I hope I shall live to hear you preach my funeral sermon.

882. An old gentleman, who used to frequent one of the coffee-houses in Dublin, being unwell, thought he might make so free as to steal an opinion concerning his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking one of the faculty, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for such a complaint? Advice, said the doctor.

883. An Irishman maintained in company that the sun did not make his revolution round the earth. But how, said one to him, is it possible, that having reached the west, where he sets, he could be seen to rise in the east, if he did not pass underneath the globe? How puzzled you are, replied the obstinate ignorant man; he returns the same way; and if it be not perceived, it is on account of his coming back by night.

884. Baron d’Adrets occasionally made his prisoners throw themselves headlong, from the battlements of a high tower, upon the pikes of his soldiers. One of these unfortunate persons, having approached the battlements twice, without venturing to leap, the baron reproached him with his want of courage, in a very insulting manner. Why, sir, said the prisoner, bold as you are, I would give you five times before you took the leap. This pleasantry saved the poor fellow’s life.

885. An Irishman, angling in the rain, was observed to keep his line under the arch of a bridge; upon being asked the reason, he gave the following answer: To be sure, the fishes will be after crowding there, in order to keep out of the wet.