Part 17

944. Swift having paid a visit at Sir Arthur Acheson’s country seat, and being, on the morning of his return to his deanery, detained a few minutes longer than he expected at his breakfast, found, when he came to the door, his own man on horseback, and a servant of Sir Arthur’s holding the horse he was to ride himself. He mounted, turned the head of his horse towards his own man, and asked him in a low voice if he did not think he should give something to the servant who held his horse, and if he thought five shillings would be too much: No, sir, it will not, if you mean to do the thing handsomely, was the reply. The dean made no remark upon this, but when he paid his man’s weekly account, wrote under it, Deducted from this, for money paid to Sir Arthur’s servant for doing your business, five shillings.

945. Two Irish porters meeting in Dublin, one addressed the other with, Och, Thady, my jewel, is it you? Are you just come from England! Pray did you see anything of our old friend, Pat Murphy? The devil a sight, replied he, and what’s worse, I’m afraid I never shall. How so? Why, he met with a very unfortunate accident lately. Amazing! What was it? O, indeed, nothing more than this; as he was standing on a plank, talking devoutly to a priest, at a place in London which I think they call the Old Bailey, the plank suddenly gave way, and poor Murphy got his neck broke.

946. A Quaker from Bristol, who lately alighted at an inn, called for some porter, and observing, as it is now the fashion, the pint deficient in quantity, thus addressed the landlord: Pray, friend, how many butts of beer dost thou draw in a month? Ten, sir, replied Boniface. And thou wouldst like to draw eleven if thou couldst, rejoined Ebenezer. Certainly, exclaimed the smiling landlord. Then I will tell thee how, friend, added the Quaker―fill thy measures.

947. A man who was on the point of being married, obtained from his confessor his certificate of confession. Having read it, he observed that the priest had omitted the usual penance. Did you not tell me, said the confessor, that you were going to be married?

948. Lord Galloway was an enemy to the Bute administration. At the change of the ministry he came to London, for the first time in the late king’s reign. He was dressed in black, in a very uncourtly style. When he appeared at the levee, the eyes of the company were turned upon him, and George Selwyn being asked who he was, replied, A Scotch undertaker come to bury the last administration.

949. Old Astley, one evening, when his band was playing an overture, went up to the horn players, and asked why they were not playing? They said they had twenty bars rest. Rest! said he, I’ll have nobody rest in my company; I pay you for playing, not for resting.

950. Tom Tickle was peculiarly odd in his manner of drawing characters. He once sent his servant to a gentleman, remarkable for being always in a hurry, with a message of great importance; but the servant returned, and told his master that the gentleman was in so great a hurry he could not speak to him. It is no more than what I expected, said Tom, for he loses an hour in the morning, and runs after it all day.

951. As the late Chevalier Taylor was once enumerating, in company, the great honours which he had received from the different princes of Europe, and the orders with which he had been dignified by numerous sovereigns, a gentleman present took occasion to remark, that he had not named the king of Prussia; adding, I suppose, sir, that monarch never gave you any order! You are quite mistaken, sir, replied the Chevalier; for I can most positively assure you, that he gave me a very peremptory order―to quit his dominions.

952. A lady of rank, dancing one evening, approached so near to a chandelier, that the fluttering plume of feathers, waving to and fro on her forehead, came in contact with the flame, and the whole was instantly in a blaze. The illumination, however, was quickly and happily extinguished without harm; when her husband, seeing the danger avoided, and the thoughtlessness of the act, peevishly and half angrily exclaimed, Surely, your ladyship must be absolutely mad! No, no, replied her ladyship, only a little light-headed.

953. A poor player, in a mixed company, undertook to quote a passage from Shakespeare, that should be applicable to any remark that might be made by any person present. A forward young fellow undertook to supply a sentence that he believed could not be answered from the works of the bard; and addressing the player, he said, You are the most insolent pretender in the room. “You forget yourself,” promptly replied the player, quoting from the quarrel-scene between Brutus and Cassius.

954. At a public dinner, a gentleman observed a person who sat opposite use a toothpick which had just done the same service to his neighbour. Wishing to apprise him of his mistake, he said, I beg your pardon, sir, but you are using Mr. ―’s toothpick. I know I am. By the powers, sir, do you think I am not going to return it!

955. A Leicestershire farmer, who had never seen a silver fork, had some soup handed to him at a dinner lately. He found that no spoon was placed at his elbow. Lifting the fork, and twirling it in his fingers for some time, he called the waiter, and requested him to bring a silver spoon wi’out ony slits in it.

956. A sailor coming across Blackheath one evening, was stopped by a footpad, who demanded his money, when a scuffle ensued. The tar took the robber, and bore away with his prize to a justice of the peace at Woolwich. When the magistrate came to examine into the assault, he told the sailor that he must take his oath that the robber had put him in bodily fear, otherwise he could not commit him. The sailor, looking stedfastly at the justice, answered, He,―he put me in bodily fear! No, nor any he that ever lived; therefore, if that is the case you may let him go, for I will not swear to any such thing.

957. A barrister entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he was not apprised, but endured from almost every observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself to Mr. Curran, he asked him, Do you see anything ridiculous in this wig? The answer instantly was, Nothing but the head.

958. Sterne, who used his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental manner, in praise of conjugal love and fidelity. The husband, said Sterne, who behaves unkindly to his wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head. If you think so, said Garrick, I hope your house is insured.

959. A lady after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonata on the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music? No, madam, replied the doctor; but of all noises I think music is the least disagreeable.

960. The Abbé Maury, who had rendered himself obnoxious to the democrats, during the French revolution, was one night seized by the mob, who looked round for a lamp-post to suspend him on. Pray, my good friends, said the Abbé, were you to hang me to that lamp-post, do you think that you would see any the clearer for it? This well-timed wit softened the rabble and saved his life.

961. Salezzo de Pedrada praising an old lady for her beauty, she answered, that beauty was incompatible with her age. To which Salezzo replied, We say, as beautiful as an angel; and yet the angels are, of all creatures, the most ancient.

962. A French officer quarreling with a Swiss, reproached him with his country’s vice of fighting on either side for money, while we Frenchmen, said he, fight for honour. Yes, sir, replied the Swiss, every one fights for that which he most wants.

963. When the late Mr. Windham, the war minister, was upon a trip to the continent, he met with a Dutch clergyman, who was very eager in his inquiries as to the doctrines and discipline of the church of England, to which he received satisfactory answers; those, however, were succeeded by others of a more difficult nature, particularly as to the manner in which some English preachers manufacture their sermons. Upon Mr. Windham confessing his ignorance of this subject, the Dutchman, in a tone of disappointment, exclaimed, Why, then, I find, sir, after all the conversation we have had, that I have been deceived as to your profession: they told me you were an English minister.

964. Dr. Savage, who died in 1747, travelled in his younger days with the Earl of Salisbury, to whom he was indebted for a considerable living in Hertfordshire. One day at the levee, the king (George I.) asked him how long he had resided at Rome with Lord Salisbury? Upon his telling how long, Why, said the king you stayed there long enough; how is it you did not convert the Pope? Because, sir, replied the doctor, I had nothing better to offer him.

965. On the Scotch circuits, the judges gave dinners, having an allowance for that purpose. The great Lord Kames was extremely parsimonious; and, at a circuit dinner at Perth, did not allow claret, as had been the custom. The conversation turned on Sir Charles Hardy’s fleet, which was then blockaded by the French; and one of the company asked what had become of our fleet. Mr. Henry Erskine answered, Confined, like us, to port.

966. M. Lalande, the French astronomer, during the whole time of the revolution, confined himself to the study of that science. When he found that he had escaped the fury of Robespierre, he jocosely said, I may thank my stars for it.

967. After Dr. Johnson had been honoured with an interview with the king, in the queen’s library at Buckingham House, he was interrogated by a friend concerning his reception, and his opinion of the royal intellect. His majesty, replied the doctor, seems to be possessed of much good-nature and much curiosity, and is far from contemptible. His majesty, indeed, was multifarious in his questions, but he answered them all himself.

968. A common councilman was hoaxed into an opinion, that, as a representative of the citizens, he was entitled to ride through the turnpikes free of expense. He next day mounted his nag, to ascertain his civic privileges; and asked at the turnpike at the Dog-row, in Mile-end road, if, as a common councilman, he had not a right to pass without payment? Yes, replied the turnpike man archly, you may pass yourself, but you must pay for your horse.

969. There was a lady of the west country, that gave a great entertainment at her house, to most of the gallant gentlemen thereabout, and, among others, Sir Walter Raleigh. This lady, though otherwise a stately dame, was a notable good housewife; and in the morning betimes she called to one of her maids that looked to the swine, and asked, Are the pigs served? Sir Walter Raleigh’s chamber was close to the lady’s. Before dinner the lady came down in great state into the assembling-room, which was full of gentlemen, and as soon as Sir Walter cast his eyes upon her, Madam, are the pigs served? The lady answered, You know best whether you have had your breakfast.

970. Joseph II. Emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. It being fair time, and the house rather crowded, the host, ignorant of his guest’s quality, appointed them to sleep in an out-house, which they readily complied with; and, after eating a few slices of ham and biscuit, retired to rest, and in the morning paid their bill, which amounted to only 3_s._ 6_d._ English, and rode off. A few hours afterwards, several of his suite coming to inquire after him, and the publican understanding the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. Psha! psha! man, said one of the attendants, Joseph is accustomed to such adventures, and will think no more of it. But I shall, replied the landlord; for I can never forget the circumstance, nor forgive myself neither, for having had an emperor in my house, and letting him off for 3_s._ 6_d._

971. Some years ago, says Richardson, in his Anecdotes of Painting, a gentleman came to me to invite me to his house: I have, said he, a picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. There is little H. the other day came to see it, and said it was a copy. If any one says so again, I’ll break his head. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favour to come, and give me your real opinion of it?

972. A chimney-sweep having descended a wrong chimney, made his sudden appearance in a room where two men, one named Butler and the other Cook, were enjoying themselves over a pot of beer. How now, cried the former, what news from the other world? The sweep perceiving his mistake, and recollecting the persons, very smartly replied, I came to inform you that we are very much in want of a Butler and Cook.

973. One of the Dover stages, on its way to London, was stopped by a single highwayman, who was informed by the coachman there were no inside passengers, and only one in the basket, and he was a sailor. The robber then proceeded to exercise his employment on the tar; when waking him out of his sleep Jack demanded what he wanted; to which the son of plunder replied, Your money. You shan’t have it, said Jack. No! replied the robber, then I’ll blow your brains out. Blow away then, you land-lubber, cried Jack, squirting the tobacco-juice out of his mouth, I may as well go to London without brains as without money; drive on, coachman.

974. After a loud preface of O yes, pronounced most audibly three times, in the High Street, Newmarket, the late Lord Barrymore, having collected a number of persons together, made the following general proposal to the gapers, Who wants to buy a horse that can walk five miles an hour, trot sixteen, and gallop twenty? I do, said a gentleman, with manifest eagerness. Then, replied Lord Barrymore, If I see any such animal to be sold, I will be sure to let you know.

975. The Duke of Longueville’s reply, when it was observed to him that the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: I had much rather, answered the duke, have friends than hares.

976. A gentleman was once praising the style of Swift before Johnson: the doctor did not find himself in the humour to agree with him; the critic was driven from one of his performances to another. At length, you must allow me, said the gentleman, that there are strong facts in the account of the “Four last years of Queen Anne.” Yes, surely, replied Johnson, and so there always are in the Newgate Calendar.

977. Johnson made Goldsmith a comical answer one day, when he was repining at the success of Beattie’s Essay on Truth. Here is such a stir, said he, about a fellow that has written one book, and I have written many. Ah, doctor, said his friend, there go two and forty sixpences, you know, to one guinea.

978. A finished coquette, at a ball, asked a gentleman near her, while she adjusted her tucker, whether he could flirt a fan, which she held in her hand. No, madam, answered he, proceeding to use it, but I can fan a flirt.

979. A notorious thief, being to be tried for his life, confessed the robbery he was charged with. The judge hereupon directed the jury to find him guilty on his own confession. The jury having laid their heads together, brought him in Not guilty. The judge bid them consider of it again; but still they brought in their verdict Not guilty. The judge asked the reason. The foreman replied, There is reason enough, for we all know him to be one of the greatest liars in the world.

980. A notorious culprit, who suffered some years since at Salisbury, and the last of three brothers who had been executed for similar offences, after sentence was passed, said, My lord, I humbly thank you. His lordship, astonished, asked him for what? Because, my lord, I thought I should have been hung in chains, which would have been a disgrace to the family.

981. Dean Jackson, passing one morning through Christchurch quadrangle, met some undergraduates, who walked along without capping. The dean called one of them, and asked, Do you know who I am? No, sir. How long have you been in college? Eight days, sir. Oh, very well, said the dean, walking away, puppies don’t open their eyes till the ninth day.

982. A little lawyer appearing as evidence in one of the courts, was asked by a gigantic counsellor, what profession he was of; and having replied that he was an attorney―You a lawyer! said Brief, why I could put you in my pocket. Very likely you may, rejoined the other, and if you do, you will have more law in your pocket than ever you had in your head.

983. When George Bidder, the calculating phenomenon, was a very little boy, he made the tour of England with his father, displaying everywhere his astonishing power of combining and resolving numbers. Among several very ingenious and difficult questions prepared purposely for him, an ignorant pedagogue asked (without furnishing any data), How many cow’s tails would reach to the moon? The boy, turning upon the inquirer an eye of considerable archness, answered instantly, One, if it were long enough.

984. Mr. Moore having been long under a prosecution in Doctors Commons, his proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of the Gamester. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of the piece, being all he had written, by which the man of law was so much affected, that he exclaimed, Good God! can you add to this couple’s distress in the last act? Oh, very easily, said the poet, I intend to put them in the Ecclesiastical Court.

985. Ned Shuter was often very poor, and being still more negligent than poor, was careless about his dress. A friend overtaking him one day in the street, said to him, Why, Ned, are you not ashamed to walk the streets with twenty holes in your stockings? why don’t you get them mended? No, my friend, said Ned, I am above it; and if you have the pride of a gentleman, you will act like me, and walk with twenty holes rather than have one darn. How, replied the other, how do you make that out? Why, replied Ned, a hole is the accident of the day; but a darn is premeditated poverty.

986. The witty Lord Ross, having spent all his money in London, set out for Ireland, in order to recruit his purse. On his way, he happened to meet with Sir Murrough O’Brien, driving towards Dublin in a lofty phaeton with six prime dun-coloured horses. Sir Murrough, exclaimed his lordship, what a contrast there is between you and me! you are driving your duns before you, but my duns are driving me before them.

987. The high-bailiff of Birmingham, attended by some officers of the town, goes round on a market-day to examine the weight of the butter, and they seize all which is found short of sixteen ounces. A countryman, who generally stood in a particular place, having on a former market-day lost two pounds of butter, was seen, the next time they came round, to laugh heartily, while the officers were taking a considerable quantity from a woman who stood near him. One of the officers, not pleased with the fellow’s want of decorum, particularly in the presence of men vested with such high authority, said, What do you mean by laughing, fellow? I took two pounds from you last week. I’ll lay you a guinea of it, said the countryman. Done, replied the officer; and immediately put a guinea into the hands of a respectable tradesman, who was standing at his own door. The countryman instantly covered it; and then, with a triumphant grin, said, Well done, thickhead, if it had been two pounds would you have taken it from me? Was it not for being short of weight that I lost it? The umpire without hesitation decided it in his favour, to the great mortification of the humble administrator of justice.

988. An Irishman, some years ago, attending the University of Edinburgh, waited upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German flute, desiring to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons: the flute-player informed him, that he generally charged two guineas for the first month, and one guinea for the second. Then, by my soul, replied the Hibernian, I’ll begin the second month!

989. Foote being at table next to a gentleman who had helped himself to a very large piece of bread; he took it up and cut a piece off. Sir, said the gentleman, that is my bread. I beg a thousand pardons, sir, said Foote, I protest I took it for the loaf.

990. The Marquis della Scalas, an Italian nobleman, having invited the neighbouring gentry to a grand entertainment, where all the delicacies of the season were provided, some of the company arrived very early, for the purpose of paying their respects to his excellency: soon after which, the major-domo, entering the dining-room in a great hurry, told the marquis that there was a fisherman below, who had brought one of the finest fish in all Italy, for which, however, he demanded a most extravagant price. Regard not his price, cried the marquis; pay him the money directly. So I would, please your highness, but he refuses to take any money. What, then, would the fellow have? A hundred strokes of the strappado on his bare shoulders, my lord; he says he will not bate a single blow. On this, the whole company ran down stairs, to see so singular a man. A fine fish! cried the marquis; what is your demand, my friend? Not a quatrini, my lord, answered the fisherman; I will not take money: if your lordship wishes to have the fish, you must order me a hundred lashes of the strappado on my naked back; otherwise I shall apply elsewhere. Rather than lose the fish, said the marquis, we must e’en let this fellow have his humour. Here! cried he to one of his grooms, discharge this honest man’s demands: but don’t lay on too hard; don’t hurt the poor devil very much! The fisherman then stripped, and the groom prepared to execute his lordship’s orders. Now, my friend, said the fisherman, keep an exact account, I beseech you; for I don’t desire a single stroke more than my due. The whole company were astonished at the amazing fortitude with which the man submitted to the operation, till he had received the fiftieth lash; when, addressing himself to the servant, Hold, my friend, cried the fisherman; I have now had my full share of the price. Your share? exclaimed the marquis; what is the meaning of all this? My lord, returned the fisherman, I have a partner, to whom my honour is engaged, that he shall have his full half of whatever I receive for the fish; and your lordship, I dare venture to say, will by and by own that it would be a thousand pities to defraud him of a single stroke. And pray, honest friend, said the marquis, who is this partner? Your porter, my lord, answered the fisherman, who keeps the outer gate of the palace, and refused to admit me, unless I would promise him half what I should obtain for the fish. Ho! ho! exclaimed the marquis, laughing very heartily, by the blessing of heaven, he shall have double his demand in full! The porter was accordingly sent for; and being stripped to the skin, two grooms were directed to lay on with all their might till he had fairly received what he was so well entitled to. The marquis then ordered his steward to pay the fisherman twenty sequins; desiring him to call annually for the like sum, as a recompense for the friendly service he had rendered him.