Part 3

At one of the meetings of a literary club a dish of peas was brought in, become almost grey with age. "You ought to carry these peas to Kensington," said one of the party. "Why?" asked another. "Because it's the way to Turn 'em Green."

Goldsmith hearing this is delighted and made a note of the joke. The next evening, dining out, he was pleased to find a dish of yellow peas on the table. "These ought to be sent to Kensington," he said. "Why?" he was asked. "Because that's the way to make them green," he replied.

NOT A WAXWORK

A farmer once took his son into an Assize Court. The lad gaped with open mouth at the resplendent figure of the judge, arrayed in scarlet and ermine. Suddenly the judge made a sign to the usher, and the lad exclaimed, "Why, father, it's alive. I thought he were a waxwork."

THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU

_Mike_: "I did an extraordinary thing to-day. I had the last word with a woman."

_Ike_: "That so? How'd it occur?"

_Mike_: "Coming home on the car I said, 'Won't you have my seat, madam?'"

TIPS

A foreign lord, who resided for a time in England, had his own way of dealing with the question of tips. When his friends, who had dined with him, were going away, he always attended them to the door; and if they offered any money to the servant who opened it (for he never suffered but one servant to appear), he always prevented them, saying, in his manner of speaking English, "If you do give it, give it to me, for it was I that did buy the dinner."

JUSTICE

At a temperance lecture the speaker told of a Dutchman and his companion who went into Delmonico's in New York to get a lunch. They were surprised at being charged nine dollars! The Dutchman began to swear. "Don't you swear," said the other, "God has already punished Delmonico. I have got my pocket full of his spoons."

DEAD AS A DOORNAIL

An Irish farmer was asked by his landlord if the report of his intended second marriage was true, and replied--"It is, yer honner." "But your first wife has only been dead a week, Pat," said the landlord. "An' shure," retorted Pat, "she's as dead now as she ever will be, yer honner."

FAITH

A cleric, whose name was Mountain, being a candidate for a vacant see in the gift of the Lord Chancellor, waited upon his lordship to present his application. Said the Chancellor, "What influence do you possess?" "None," said the candidate, "except faith. You will remember, my lord, that, if thou have faith, and shall say to this mountain, Be thou cast into the sea, verily it shall be done." Said the Chancellor, "Brother Mountain, go into that see."

JOB'S CURSE

"Mother," said little Eva on the way from church, "babies aren't so good as they used to be, are they?" "Whatever makes you think that?" replied her mother. "Well, little Willie can't talk yet, and he's nearly two, but Job could talk when he was a baby." "Where does it tell you that, dear?" asked mother. "Don't you remember the lesson this morning, mother? It said that Job cursed the day he was born!"

A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION

A woman having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her, proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The bystanders asked him if he was mad--she could not have gone against the stream. The man answered, "She was obstinate and contrary in her life, and no doubt she was the same at her death."

THE RULING PASSION

Lazarus Goldstein the auctioneer, being somewhat run down, was ordered on a sea voyage by his doctor. After several days on board during which period nothing had occurred to break the monotony of this to him overpeaceful existence, he was suddenly aroused from his afternoon siesta by the cry "A sail, a sail." His eyes brightened and calling his wife, he said, "Sarah, where is dot catalogue?"

FELO-DE-SE

An under officer of the Customs at the port of Liverpool, running heedlessly along the ship's gunnel, happened to slip overboard, and was drowned. The body soon being recovered, the coroner's jury was summoned. One of the jurymen returning home, was asked what verdict they brought in, and whether they found it "felo-de-se"? "Ay, ay!" says the juryman, shaking his noddle. "He fell into the sea, sure enough."

HOW TO GET WARM

A Quaker gentleman, riding in a carriage with a fashionable lady decked with a profusion of jewellery, heard her complain of the cold. Shivering in her lace bonnet and shawl, as light as a cobweb, she exclaimed, "What shall I do to get warm?" "I really don't know," replied the Quaker solemnly, "unless thee should put on another breast-pin."

NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR

An eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?" "I don't know," answered the divine drily, "whether they are black or white sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be fleeced."

OF COMPOSITIONS

A lady at a dinner-party was sitting next to a musician, and, thinking she ought to say something about music, turned to her neighbour and said: "Has Bach been composing much of late?" "No, madam, but I hear he has been decomposing for some time!"

PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER

A parson in the country, taking his text from St. Matthew, chap. viii. 14, "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," preached for three Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows going across the churchyard and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other, who it was for. "Perhaps," replied he, "it is for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three weeks."

THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF

An old gentleman went out to tea, and being somewhat deaf was unable to join in the general conversation. A kind-hearted lady wishing to make him feel at home, said: "Do you like bananas?" To which he replied, "No; I prefer the old-fashioned nightshirt."

ANTICIPATION

Towards the close of a meeting at Exeter Hall at which Bishop Wilberforce had made an eloquent speech the audience began to go away. A gentleman whose name was on the programme said to the Bishop, "I need not speak; I hardly think they expect me." "To be sure they do," said Wilberforce; "don't you see they are all going."

HYMNS AND HERS

On seeing a large picture by Watts from _Theodore and Honoria_ a friend once asked Lord Houghton what it represented. "Oh!" he replied, "you have heard of Watts's Hymns. These are Watts's Hers!"

HORS CONCOURS

At an evening party a new game was suggested. The guests were each to make the most hideous grimaces that they could and the prize was to go to the ugliest effort.

After long scrutiny the judge awarded the prize to a lady seated away from the others. "I'm not playing," she replied indignantly.

THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE

A story told of William the Fourth, if genuine, shows that king possessed on occasion of a ready tact which is so happy as to be wit. The story runs that when dining with several officers he ordered a waiter to "take away that marine," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your Majesty!" exclaimed one of the officers, "do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our branch of the service?" "Yes," answered the king. "I mean to say that it has done its duty once and is ready to do it again."

A UNITED COUPLE

John's wife complains, that John discourses And thinks of nothing else but horses. Whilst John, a caustic wag, Says it's wonderful to see How thoroughly their tastes agree,-- For, that his wife, as well as he, Most dearly loves a nag.

WET PAINT

It was a dark wintry night, when a belated traveller, in a lonely country district, found himself entirely lost as to his locality.

He wandered aimlessly for some time, till at last he found himself against what he considered a signpost.

All efforts to find out any name on the same failing, he climbed the post and read the words, "Wet paint."

TICK, TICK, TICK

Sheridan had taken a new house and meeting Lord Guildford, he mentioned his change of residence, and also a change in his own habits. "My lord, everything is carried on in my new house with the greatest regularity--everything in short goes like clockwork." "Ah!" replied Lord Guildford meaningly, "tick, tick, tick, I suppose."

DIFFIDENCE

An Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have heard the evidence?"

THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED

A bailiff who had tried numerous expedients in vain to arrest a Quaker, resolved to adopt the habit and manner of one, in hope of catching the primitive Christian. In this disguise, he knocked at the Quaker's door and inquired if he was at home. The housekeeper replied, "Yes." "Can I see him?" "Walk in, friend," she said, "and he shall see thee." The bailiff, confident of success, walked in, and after waiting nearly an hour, rung a bell, and on the housekeeper appearing, said, "Thou promised me I should see friend Aminadab." "No, friend," answered the housekeeper, "I promised _he_ should see _thee_. He hath seen thee, but he doth not like thee."

IMAGINATION

A small boy walking across a common with his mother espied a bunny. "Look, mother, there goes a rabbit!" "Nonsense, my boy, it must have been imagination." "Mother, is imagination white behind?"

UNREMITTING KINDNESS

"Call that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a farthing! Call that kindness!" "Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.

A WARM PROSPECT

A well-known judge was credited with being parsimonious. A friend once asked him, "What are you going to do with your money? You cannot take it with you, and if you could it would melt!"

A SOPORIFIC STORY

The celebrated Bubb Doddington was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the general, the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep; and to prove that he had not offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story and Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "And yet," said Doddington, "I did not hear a word of it but I went to sleep because I knew that about this time you would tell that story."

ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS

Curran and Father O'Leary were dining with Michael Kelly when the barrister said: "Reverend Father, I wish you were St. Peter." "And why, Counsellor, would you wish I were St. Peter?" asked O'Leary. "Because, Reverend Father, in that case you would have the keys of heaven, and could let me in." "By my honour and conscience, Counsellor," answered O'Leary, "it would be better for you if I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let you out."

THE LOST JOINT

The serving-maid was awkward and the joint fell on the floor. The young mistress was naturally upset and cried, "Now we've lost our dinner."

"Indeed you haven't," said Jane, "I've got my foot on it."

THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN

A recruiting sergeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with--"Come, my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?" "Voight for my King," answered Hodge, "why, has he fawn out wi' onybody?"

IRELAND FOR EVER

An Irishman homeward bound from America frequently expressed his delight by shouting, "Hurrah for Ireland!" "Hurrah for Ireland!" to the intense amusement of most of the passengers. One irascible old fellow, however, barely concealed his irritation at Pat's outbursts, and at last, exasperated beyond endurance, retorted, "Hurrah for Hell!" "That's right," said Pat. "Every man for his own country."

ALL MEN ARE LIARS

Thackeray was fond of telling the story of two men relating their adventures. One of them had told his companion something as having happened to him which was extremely improbable; the other capped it by a statement still more outrageous. "What a liar you must be, Jack," said his friend, to which he replied, "Well, _we are telling lies_, aren't we?"

AN OBJECT LESSON

The diner-out had waited a quarter of an hour for his soup. Calling the waiter he asked, "Have you ever been to the Zoo?"

"No, sir," was the reply.

"Well, you ought to go. You'd enjoy watching the tortoises whiz past."

AN UNKNOWN TONGUE

During the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer were going to the kirk, the one said to the other, "Was it no' a wonderfu' thing that the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?" "Not a bit," said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their prayers before ga'in into battle?" The other replied, "But canna the French say their prayers as weel?" The reply was most characteristic, "Hoot! jabbering bodies, wha could understan' them."

A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT

"Did you present your account to the defendant?" inquired a lawyer of his client. "I did, your Honour." "And what did he say?" "He told me to go to the devil." "And what did you say then?" "Why, then I came to you."

"SOMEWHERE"

A lady who gave herself great airs of importance, on being introduced to a gentleman for the first time, said, with much cool indifference, "I think, sir, I have seen you somewhere." "Very likely," replied the gentleman, "you may, ma'am, as I have often been there."

THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE

An Englishman and a Scotsman were on a walking tour in the Highlands when they came to a signpost which said, "Five miles to Stronachlachar." Underneath this was written, "If you cannot read inquire at the baker's." The Englishman laughed heartily when he read it, but refused to tell the Scotsman the joke. That night the Englishman was surprised at being woke up by his companion, who seemed much amused at something. Asking the reason, the Scotsman replied, "Och, mon, I hae just seen the joke--the baker might not be in."

WAR AND TAXES

Shortly after the commencement of the Peninsular War, a tax was laid on candles, which, as a political economist would prove, made them dearer. A Scotch wife in Greenock remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that the price was raised, and asked why? "It's a' awin' to the war," said Paddy. "The war!" said the astonished matron. "Gracious me! are they gaun to fecht by candlelicht?"

A MODERN ALFRED

A woman gave her little child a cloth to warm while she was otherwise busied. The child held it to the fire, but so near that it changed colour presently, and began to look like tinder; upon which the child called to its mother, "Mamma, is it done enough when it looks brown?"

CHARITY ON CREDIT

A certain rich laird in Fife, whose weekly contribution to the church collection never exceeded one penny, one day, by mistake, dropped into the plate at the door a five-shilling piece; but discovering his error before he was seated in his pew, hurried back, and was about to replace the coin by his customary penny, when the elder in attendance cried out, "Stop, laird, ye may put in what ye like, but ye maun take naething out!" The laird, finding his explanations went for nothing, at last said, "A weel, I suppose I'll get credit for it in heaven." "Na, na, laird," said the elder, "ye'll only get credit for the penny."

COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT

The carter was going out with a lantern one evening, when he met the farmer who employed him; he was asked where he was going. "Courting," was the reply. The farmer replied, "You don't want a lantern to go courting with. When I went courting I never took a lantern." "I can quite believe you," said the man, "when I look at your missus!"

THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER

An old gentleman was observed earnestly looking on the sands, evidently for some object he had lost.

An inquisitive onlooker asked, "Have you lost something?" "Yes," was the reply.

Not quite satisfied, the inquisitive one said, "Is it anything important?" "Yes," again came the answer, "I have lost my toffee." "But, surely, the toffee would be useless if you found it, as it would be full of sand." "But my teeth are in it," was the prompt reply.

THE EMPTY BOTTLE

In a dark room in an Irish cabin Biddy was searching for the whisky bottle, when her husband enquired, "What is't yer lookin' for?" "Nuthin', Pat," answered Biddy. "Sure," replied the husband, "you'll find it in the bottle where the whisky was."

H2O

The elementary class was being instructed in chemistry, and the master, after several lessons, asked: "What is water?" One very young but bright pupil promptly replied: "A colourless fluid that turns black when you wash your hands."

AN ACCIDENT

Two Irish porters meeting at Dublin, one addressed the other with, "Och, Thady my jewel, is it you? Are you just come from England? Pray did you see anything of our old friend Pat Murphy?" "The devil a sight," he replied, "and what's worse I'm afraid I never shall." "How so?" "Why he met with a very unfortunate accident lately." "Amazing! What was it?" "Oh, indeed nothing more than this; he was standing on a plank talking devoutly to a priest, at a place in London which I think they call Brixton, when the plank suddenly gave way, and poor Murphy got his neck broke."

TOUCH HIM UP

Mackintosh was once taking Parr for a drive when the horse became restive and the scholar became nervous. "Gently, Jemmy," said Parr, "don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let me down, Jemmy." The horse was stopped enough for the purpose, and no sooner had Parr safely descended than his advice changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him. And now I'll leave you to manage him--I'll walk home."

A SMART BOY

A boy of only nine years old was asked many questions by a bishop, and gave very prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said, "I will give you an orange if you will tell me where God is." "My Lord," replied the boy, "I will give you two if you will tell me where He is not."

WEARING ROUGE

There was a certain Bishop of Amiens who was a saint and yet had a good deal of wit. A lady went to consult him whether she might wear rouge; she had been with several directeurs, but some were so severe, and some so relaxed, that she could not satisfy her conscience, and therefore was come to Monseigneur to decide for her, and would rest by his sentence. "I see, Madam," said the good prelate, "what the case is: some of your casuists forbid rouge totally; others will permit you to wear as much as you please. Now, for my part, I love a medium in all things, and therefore I permit you to wear rouge on one cheek only."

THE POOR LANDLORD

Father Healy was talking to a friend in the street when a youth came up begging alms; having received a penny he scampered off, revealing in his retreat a very tattered apparel. "That is a nice cut of an Irish landlord," said the priest. "How so?" asked the friend, "Because he has rents in a rear."

THE DAY OF REST

"Well, Master Jackson," said the minister, walking homeward after service with an industrious labourer, who was a constant attendant, "well, Master Jackson, Sunday must be a blessed day of rest for you who work so hard all the week. And you make a good use of the day, for you are always to be seen at church." "Ah, sir," replied Jackson, "it is indeed a blessed day; I works hard enough all the week, and then I comes to church o' Sundays, and sets me down, and lays my legs up, and thinks o' nothing!"

NOT TO BE CAUGHT

It was examination day at one of the R.A.M.C. headquarters.

"And if a man suffering from trench feet were brought to you, how would you treat him?" asked the examiner.

The recruit, a Londoner with a good knowledge of the licensing laws, quickly answered: "You won't catch me that way, sir. We should both pay for our own."

MOLECULES

"What are you studying now?" asked Mrs. Johnson.

"We have taken up the subject of molecules," answered her son.

"I hope you will be very attentive and practise constantly," said the mother. "I tried to get your father to wear one, but he could not keep it in his eye."

A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN

Professor Johnson, the antiquary, returning meditatively from a learned discourse, came upon the recumbent body of a man in front of a house. Being a Samaritan he proffered his services, and discovered that the man lived on the first floor. Thither he piloted him and opening a door pushed him gently in. Reaching again the ground floor another human being confronted him and he also needed help to the first floor. But when our Professor found yet another fellow-creature in distress his curiosity was aroused and he said:

"It is strange that there should be three men needing help to the first floor of the same house."

"Not so strange, mister," replied the prone figure, "seeing as 'ow you've dropped me down the lift 'ole twice."

CHAPS

A pretty girl was complaining to a young Quaker that she was dreadfully troubled by chaps on her lips. "Friend Mary!" replied the Quaker, "thou shouldst not permit the chaps to come so near the lips."

TWINS

A farmer became the father of twins and on learning the news he was so delighted that he hurried to the nearest post-office and sent this telegram to his sister-in-law.

"Twins to-day. More to-morrow."

A NATURAL OBJECTION

The Daylight Saving Bill has its detractors as well as its advocates. Of the former it is said that milkmen are the chief, but as Jones said to William: "It's but natural. A milkman would pour cold water on anything."

BADLY PUT

A doctor of eminence was called up on the telephone by an anxious lady. "Are you a baby specialist?" he was asked.

"No," was the reply, "I'm a full-grown man."

A DOUBTFUL MARKET

A boy in an office was dissatisfied with his prospects and gave notice. "You are making a mistake," said his employer, "you will do better to remain here. Remember, a rolling stone gathers no moss."

"Who wants moss?" replied the youth. "Where's the market for it, I should like to know?"

SEQUENCES

An old gentleman engaged a footman, and having instructed him in his duties asked him if he understood sequences.

"I don't know, sir," replied the man; "will you please explain?"

"Why," he said, "when I ask you to lay the cloth, you are to put the knives, forks, salt, etc., on the table."

"Oh, sir," replied the footman, "if that's all, no doubt I shall please you."

His master, being ill one morning, ordered him to fetch a nurse with all speed. He did not return until late at night, and on being reproached explained the delay by telling that he went and found the nurse who was below; the sequences of a nurse, he thought, were a chemist, a doctor, a surgeon, and an undertaker; and he had asked them all to attend--in fact they were now waiting below.

TWO POINTS OF VIEW

A lawyer travelling by the Great Western to his circuit, wished to be alone in order to study a brief, and having for his single companion a mild clergyman, he got rid of him by affecting insanity. This he did so naturally that all the clergyman's efforts, after the first quarter of an hour, were directed to soothe and conciliate his fellow-passenger. As they passed the great Middlesex Asylum, he observed, like a nurse with a fractious child, "How pretty Hanwell looks from the railway." "Ah," answered the lawyer, with a slight bark, "you should see how the railway looks from Hanwell." At the next station the divine got out precipitately, and left the lawyer to himself.

A CANNIBAL

Willie had reached the tender and somewhat difficult age of six when his uncle Edward came on a visit. His first conversation proved rather trying.

"Uncle, you must be a sort o' cannibal.

"A what, sir? What d'yer mean, sir?" returned the uncle.

"'Cause mamma said you was always livin' on somebody!"