Part 4

TO LET--UNFURNISHED

When it was suggested that the squire's son should enter Parliament he was asked which side he would take. The young man replied that he would vote with those who had the most to offer him, and that he should wear on his forehead a label "To Let." "Do, Tom," commented his father, "and write underneath those words 'unfurnished.'"

A FRIEND OF SATAN

A clergyman who was an enthusiastic geologist always carried his specimens about in a handkerchief such as navvies use to carry their dinners in. One day, as he was returning home with the handkerchief full of specimens, he saw a navvy seated at the top of a well swearing vigorously because he could not make the windlass work.

"My friend," said the clergyman gravely, "do you know Satan?"

"Satan," said the man; "who's he? Wait a moment, sir," he added, "I'll ask my mate. Bill," he called, "do you know Satan?"

The answer came from down the well: "No. Why?"

"Well," said the one at the top, eyeing the handkerchief, "there's a bloke up here wot's got his dinner!"

THE TEDDY BEAR

A little girl received a present of a Teddy Bear. Unfortunately one of its eyes was injured in the post. Asked what name she had given it, the child said, "I call it Gladly, because I read in a book the other day, 'Gladly my cross I'd bear.'"

BROTHERLY LOVE

"Ah!" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been preaching to a congregation of asses." "Was that the reason why you always called them beloved brethren?" a lady inquired.

CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES

On his removal to Bath after his retirement, Quin, the actor, found himself extravagantly charged for everything, and at the end of the week complained of this to Beau Nash, saying that he had invited him to Bath as being the cheapest place in England for a man of taste and a bon vivant. Nash, himself no mean utterer of wit, replied saying that his townsmen had acted upon truly Christian principles. "How so?" demanded Quin. "Why!" concluded the Beau, "you were a stranger and they took you in."

MULTIPLICATION

The little boy was discovered in front of the rabbit-hutch with a perplexed frown on his forehead. "What's twice two?" he shouted. No response. "What's twice two?" he repeated. "There, I knew teacher was wrong when he said rabbits multiply quickly."

A BIBLICAL STORY

A clergyman during his first curacy found the ladies of the parish too helpful. He soon left the place. Some while later he met his successor. "How are you getting on with the ladies?" asked the escaped curate. "Oh, very well," was the answer, "there's safety in numbers." "I found it in Exodus," was the reply.

THE THOUGHTFUL MAID

"Bridget," said the mistress in a reproving tone of voice, "breakfast is very late this morning. I noticed last night that you had company in the kitchen, and it was nearly twelve o'clock when you went to bed."

"It was, ma'am," admitted Bridget. "I knew you was awake, for I heard ye movin' about; an' I said to meself ye'd need sleep this mornin', an' I wouldn't disturb ye wid an early breakfast, ma'am."

HEMP

Two "nuts" were passing a field where a labourer was sowing. "Well, old man," said one of them to him, "it's your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour." To which the countryman replied, "'Tis very likely you may, truly; for I am sowing hemp."

GOOD ADVICE

"George," said the farmer half-way through the first banquet in which his son took part, "be careful of the drink. When you see those two lights at the end of the room appear to be four, you may be sure you have had enough, and stop." "But, father," replied the interested son, "I see only one light at present."

CHANGE AND REST

Bishop Creighton used to tell a story of the ready wit of Magee, his predecessor in the see of Peterborough. Magee had been staying at some country place, and on his leaving, the innkeeper had presented an extortionate bill, at the same time expressing the hope that his visitor had had change and rest. "No, indeed," was Magee's reply, "the waiter has got the change and you have got the rest."

THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM

A young recruit was somewhat perturbed regarding a regulation about which his comrades had told him. "If you please, sergeant," he said, "the other fellows say I've got to grow a moustache." "Oh, there's no compulsion about growing a moustache, my lad; but you mustn't shave your upper lip," was the reply.

THE WAY TO YORK

A traveller, lost on a Yorkshire moor, met a member of a shrewd and plain-speaking sect. "This is the way to York, is it not?" said the traveller. To which the other replied, "Friend, first thou tellest me a lie, and then thou askest me a question."

THE WAY TO DO IT

A gentleman, having a light sovereign which he could not pass, gave it to his Irish servant, and asked him to pass it. At night he asked him if he had got rid of the coin. "Yes, sir," replied the man, "but I was forced to be very sly; the people refused it at breakfast and at dinner; so, at a cinema where the admission was threepence, I whipped it in between two halfpence, and the man put it in his pocket and never saw it."

LOT AND THE FLEA

"Children," said the Sunday school superintendent, "this picture illustrates to-day's lesson: Lot was warned to take his wife and daughters and flee out of Sodom. Here is Lot and his daughters, with his wife just behind them; and there is Sodom in the background. Now has any girl or boy a question before we take up the study of the lesson? Well, Susie?"

"Pleathe, thir," lisped the latest graduate from the infant class, "where ith the flea?"

WHIST

Dr. Parr was very fond of whist and very impatient of any want of skill on the part of those with whom he was playing. Taking a hand with three poor players he was asked by a friend how he was getting on, and replied with cutting sarcasm, "Pretty well, considering that I have three adversaries."

A NEW PRESCRIPTION

An American doctor being called upon to prescribe for a child, whose ailment was not clear to him, said to the nurse, "I'll give the little cuss a powder, then it'll have a fit, and I'm a dab at fits."

JACOB'S LADDER

A clergyman had preached on the subject of Jacob's ladder, and his son, who was present, was much impressed. A few days later he told his father that he had dreamed about his father's discourse. "And what did you see, my son?" "I dreamt," replied the boy, "that I saw a ladder reaching from the ground up into the clouds. At the foot of the ladder were many pieces of chalk and no one was allowed to ascend without taking a piece for the purpose of placing a mark on each rung for each sin committed." "Very interesting, my boy, and what else?" "Well, father, I thought I would go up and I marked the rungs as I went, but I hadn't got very far when I heard someone coming down." "Yes," said the father, "and who was that?" "You, father," replied the boy. "I, whatever was I coming down for?" "More chalk," was the reply.

A PORTRAIT

A photographer went with a friend to an exhibition of paintings. The latter called his attention to a portrait of an angular lady in evening dress. "Ha," he exclaimed in professional tones, "over-exposed and underdeveloped."

BLOATERS

"If a bloater and a half cost three ha'pence, what would thirteen cost?" Tommy did not know and was sent into an adjoining classroom to work out the problem. The boy was very quiet, and on looking to see what he was doing the master discovered him before a blackboard covered with figures. "How are you getting on, Tommy?" he asked. "What was the question, sir?" he replied. "If a bloater and a half----" "Oh, bloaters--I've been working it out in kippers!"

A CONVENIENCE

During a cross-examination an undertaker produced his business card, on which was a telegraphic address. He was asked why the latter should be necessary.

"Oh," interposed the judge, "I suppose it is for the convenience of people who want to be buried in a hurry."

THE PRAYER MEETING

A clergyman met a parishioner of dissolute habits. "I was surprised but very glad to see you at the prayer meeting last evening," he said. "So that's where I was!" replied the man.

TAKING TIME

An old negro was taken ill, and called in a physician of his own race. After a time, as there were no signs of improvement, he asked for a white doctor. Soon after arriving, the doctor felt the old man's pulse, and then examined his tongue. "Did your other doctor take your temperature?" he asked. "I don't know, boss," replied the ailing negro, "I hain't missed nothing but my watch as yet."

KING'S EVIDENCE

When Whitfield first went to America, observing, during his voyage, the dissolute manners of the crew, he invited them to one of his pious declamations, and took occasion to reprehend them for their loose manner of living. "You will certainly," says he, "go to hell. Perhaps you may think I will be an advocate for you; but, believe me, I will tell of all your wicked actions." Upon this one of the sailors, turning to his messmate, observed, "Ay, Jack, that's just the way at the Old Bailey; the greatest rogue always turns king's evidence."

A PLEASANT PROSPECT

"Grandma, shall I have a face like you when I get old?" asked the _enfant terrible_.

"Yes, my dear, if you're good."

BALAAM'S SWORD

A student, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, produced, among many other curiosities, a rusty sword. "This," said he, "is a sword with which Balaam was going to kill his ass." One of the company observed that he thought Balaam had no sword, but only wished for one. "You are right," replied the student, "and this is the very sword he wished for."

THE HONORARIUM

The local Council had decided that in consequence of untiring and devoted service they would grant an honorarium to one of their staff.

One of the oldest and most energetic members rose to speak in favour of the presentation, but expressed his opinion that the Council certainly ought to ascertain first whether the young man could play the instrument.

MANNERS

A well-known cleric came to a stile occupied by a farm lad, who was eating his bread and bacon luncheon. The boy making no attempt to allow his reverence to pass, was told that he seemed to be "better fed than taught." "Very likely," answered the lad, "for ye teaches Oi, but Oi feeds meself."

SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING

A lady asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of more abilities than those who remained at home. "Oh, madam," said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to examine all who pass, that, for the honour of the country, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding." "Then," said she, "I suppose your lordship was smuggled."

THE AVERAGE EGG

The teacher asked the arithmetic class: "What is the meaning of the word average?" A small boy replied: "It's a thing that hens lay eggs on." "Why?" "Because I've read that a hen lays an egg on an average once a day."

FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE

A gentleman was one day relating to a Quaker a tale of deep distress, and concluded very pathetically by saying, "I could not but feel for him." "Verily, friend," replied the Quaker, "thou didst right in that thou didst feel for thy neighbour; but didst thou feel in the right place--didst thou feel in thy pocket?"

THE G.O.M.

A clergyman calling at Hawarden, while Mr. Gladstone still held the reins, Mrs. Gladstone entertained him, till her husband, who was upstairs writing, was disengaged. The minister lamented the terrible state of affairs in Ireland and elsewhere, but added consolingly, "There is One above us who will set all right." "Oh, yes," exclaimed Mrs. G., "he'll be down directly."

A NEAT RETORT

A member of a celebrated theatrical family made his first appearance on the operatic stage. His voice, however, was so bad that the conductor of the orchestra called out to him at rehearsal: "Mr. Kemble, Mr. Kemble, you are murdering the music." "My dear Sir," came the retort, "it is far better to murder it outright than to keep on beating it as you do."

A SYDNEY SMITH STORY

To a country squire, who having been worsted in an argument with his rector, remarked, "If I had a son who was an idiot, by Jove! I'd make him a parson," Sydney Smith quietly replied, "I see that your father was of a different mind."

A COMMON DIFFICULTY

A man who had a large family, and but very moderate means to support them, was lamenting to an acquaintance of no family and a large fortune how difficult it was to make both ends meet. "We should not repine," replied his friend; "He that sends mouths, sends food." "That I do not deny," replied the other; "only permit me to observe, He has sent me the mouths, and you the food."

MARY JONES

The Vicar, conducting a Sunday afternoon service, was trying to interest the children in the Burial Service.

He was dealing with the part which speaks of the changing of the earthly body: but found several of his audience busily engaged in conversation.

Determined to secure better attention if possible, he asked the following question, "And now, Mary Jones, who made your vile body?" To which came the ready answer, "Please, sir, mother did, and I made the skirt."

DONALD COMPLIED

A gentleman having an estate in the Highlands advertised the shootings to let, and told his gamekeeper, Donald, to praise the place for all it was worth.

An Englishman, inquiring of Donald as to how it was stocked with game, first asked if it had any deer.

Donald's reply was, "Thoosands of them."

"Any grouse?"

"Thoosands of them, too."

"Any partridges?"

"Thoosands of them, too."

"Any woodcock?"

"Thoosands of them, too."

The Englishman, thinking Donald was drawing the long bow, asked if there were any gorillas. Donald drew himself up.

"Well, they are no' so plentifu'; they jist come occasionally, noo and again, like yoursel'."

VEGETARIANISM

It is related of a coachman that his medical adviser prescribed animal food as the best means of restoring health and activity. "Patrick," said he, "you're run down a bit, that's all. What you need is animal food." Remembering his case a few days afterwards, he called upon Pat at his stable. "Well, Pat," he asked, "how are you getting on with the treatment?" "Oh, shure, sir," Pat replied, "Oi manage all right with the grain and oats, but it's mighty hard with the chopped hay."

FELLOW-FEELING

A doctor, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, dwelt so long on the sexton's misconduct that the latter was constrained to say: "Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my failings with more gentleness, and that you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours."

JONAH AND THE WHALE

"I cannot conceive how Jonah could live in the stomach of a whale," someone said to Father Healy one day.

"Oh, that's nothing," was the reply, "I saw a friend coming out of a fly this morning."

WHOLLY GOOD

At a religious meeting a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said gravely, "I think if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way." This had the desired effect--she immediately sat down. A young minister standing by, blushed to the temples, and said, "O brother! how could you say what was not the fact." "Not the fact!" replied the old gentleman; "if she had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she gets them on."

"CAREFUL, NOW!"

"How is it, Mary, that whenever I enter the kitchen I always find a man there?" enquired a mistress.

"I don't know, ma'am, indeed, unless it be them there soft shoes ye wears, that don't make no noise," replied Mary.

SAFETY

An English gentleman, travelling through the county of Kilkenny, came to a ford, and hired a boat to take him across. The water being rather more agitated than was agreeable to him, he asked the boatman if any person was ever lost in the passage! "Never," replied Terence; "never. My brother was drowned here last week; but we found him again the next day."

O'BRIEN THE LUCID

"You are not opaque, are you?" sarcastically asked one man of another who was standing in front of him at the theatre. "Faith, an' Oi'm not," replied the other. "It's O'Brien that Oi am."

MERCY

An old woman walking down the church aisle during service in a large red cloak, heard the minister say, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" then the clerk repeated, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" and then the whole congregation echoed, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" "Bless my heart!" cried she, stopping short, "did ye never see an old woman in a red cloak before."

A BULL

"Pat, can you tell me what is an Irish 'bull'?" asked an inquiring tourist. "Well, if your honour has seen four cows lying down in a field, an' one of them standing up, that 'ud be a bull!" retorted Pat triumphantly.

A GOOD REASON

"That's a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes, and he never cries," replied the old lady. "That's because he's never washed," rejoined the youngster.

THE ARREST

"Now, Pat," said a magistrate sympathetically to an "old offender," "what brought you here again?" "Two policemen, sor," was the laconic reply. "Drunk, I suppose?" queried the magistrate. "Yes, sor," said Pat, without relaxing a muscle, "both av them."

CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM

"As you are well up in biblical points, will you tell us the difference between the cherubim and seraphim?" Father Healy was once asked.

"Well, I believe there was a difference between them a long time ago, but they have since made it up."

SOLITUDE

An amusing anecdote is told by Schopenhauer in support of his theory of the ridiculous. One man said to another, "I am very fond of taking long walks by myself." "So am I," said the other; "our tastes are congenial, so let us take long walks together."

A QUESTION OF NUMBERS

A nursery-maid was leading a little child up and down a garden. "Is't a laddie or a lassie?" asked the gardener. "A laddie," said the maid. "Weel," said he, "I'm glad o' that, for there's ower mony women in the world." "Heck, mon," said Jess, "did ye no ken there's ay maist sown o' the best crop?"

AMERICAN POULTRY

A wealthy Irish-American was proud of the opportunity to do the honours and "show off" on the occasion of a visit to New York of one of his compatriots from the "Ould Counthry." To dazzle him he invited him to dine at one of the most notable and "toniest" of restaurants. "Now, me bhoy," he said, "just you follow my lead, and I'll order everything of the best." Seated at table, the host led off with--"Waiter, fetch a couple of cocktails." His friend gave himself away, however, when he whispered audibly--"Waiter, if ye don't moind, I'd rather have a wing."

GRACE MAL A PROPOS

A milliner's apprentice, about to wait upon a duchess, was fearful of committing some error in her deportment. She therefore consulted a friend as to the manner in which she should consult this great personage, and was told that, on going before the duchess, she must say her Grace, and so on. Accordingly, away went the girl, and, on being introduced, after a very low curtsey, she said: "For what I am going to receive, the Lord make me truly thankful." To which the duchess answered: "Amen!"

THE POOR IDIOT

A dull preacher in a country church sent all the congregation to sleep, except an idiot, who sat with open mouth, listening. The parson became enraged, and, thumping the pulpit, exclaimed, "What! all asleep but this poor idiot!" "Aye," replied the lad, "and if I had not been a poor idiot, I should have been asleep too."

A WELSH WIG-GING

An Englishman and a Welshman were disputing in whose country was the best living. Said the Welshman, "There is such noble housekeeping in Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner." "Ay," answered the Englishman, "that was because every man toasted his own cheese."

FORGIVENESS

"I intend to pray that you may forgive Casey for having thrown that brick at you," said the parson, when he called to see a man who had been worsted in a melee. "Mebbe yer riv'rence 'ud be saving toime if ye'd just wait till Oi git well, an' then pray for Casey," replied the patient.

AN ODD COMPARISON

Sir William B----, speaking at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the farmer, "do you know that I have been at the two Universities, and at two colleges in each University?" "Well, sir," said the farmer, "what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the more he sucked, the greater calf he grew."

ACOUSTICS

When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great room in York Buildings, for public orations, he happened at that time to be behindhand in his payments to his workmen; and coming one day among them to see how they were working, he ordered one of them to get into the rostrum and make a speech, that he might observe how it could be heard. The fellow mounting and scratching his pate, told him he knew not what to say, for in truth he was no orator. "Oh!" said the knight, "no matter for that, speak any thing that comes uppermost." "Why here, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "we have been working for you these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, Sir, when do you intend to pay us?" "Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray come down; I have heard enough; I cannot but own that you speak very distinctly, though I don't much admire your subject."

SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT

A boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighbourhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can your mag t-t-talk yet?" "Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than you, or I'd wring his head off."

BRIGHT AND SHARP

A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years, and vice versa. "What a very sensible boy, sir, must you have been!" returned the child.

SOFTNESS

A lady and gentleman conversing together, the latter observed that he always slept in gloves, because it made his hands so soft. "Do you sleep in your hat, too?" the lady asked.

AN EASY QUALIFICATION

Residence in the parish is, of course, required of those who desire their banns to be proclaimed, and an expectant bride and bridegroom must qualify themselves by staying several nights in the parish where such banns are published.

"Do you sleep in the parish?" asked a rector of an intending benedict.

"Yes, sir, I have slept through several of your sermons," was the surprising answer.

MISER'S CHARITY

An illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat," but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is nothing to nobody."

ON TAKING A WIFE

The great Sheridan, giving his son Tom a lecture, said, "You have been fooling about as a bachelor quite long enough. You ought to settle down and take a wife." Tom innocently asked, "Whose wife shall I take?"

THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES

A Bishop, arriving at the end of a railway journey, the porter began collecting his luggage, and said: "How many articles are there, sir?" "Thirty-nine," replied the Bishop imperturbably. The porter hunted round, then said in despair: "There are only fourteen here, sir." "Ah," said the Bishop, smiling, "you are evidently a dissenter."

THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS