Part 2

Robbie met a neighbour smoking some fine tobacco sent by his son in America. He took out his own pipe ostentatiously. "Hae ye a match, Sandy?" he queried. The match was forthcoming, but nothing more. "I do believe," said Robbie, "I hae left ma tobacco at hame." "Then," said Sandy, after a silence, "ye micht gie me back ma match."

A NICE DISTINCTION

_The Vicar_ (discussing the Daylight Saving Bill): "But why have you put the small clock on and not the big one?" _Old Man_: "Well, it's like this, sir; grandfeyther's clock 'ave been tellin' th' truth for ninety year, and I can't find it i' my heart to make a _liar_ o' he now; but li'le clock, 'e be a German make, so it be all right for 'e."

NOT TWO-FACED

"Well, you're not two-faced anyway," said one man who had been quarrelling with another: "I'll say that for you."

"That's a very handsome acknowledgment," said the other, mollified.

"Because if you were," the first one continued, "you wouldn't be seen with that one."

CLERICAL WIT

An old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him--"The font is at the other end of the church." "What do I want with the font?" said the old gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought you had brought this child to be christened."

A COSTLY EXPERIMENT

An Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened a villain? "Please, your worship," says Paddy, "I was just trying to get a good one."

A GOOD REASON

A certain minister going to visit one of his sick parishioners, asked him how he had rested during the night. "Oh, wondrous ill, sir," replied he, "my eyes have not come together these three nights." "What is the reason of that?" said the other. "Alas! sir," says he, "because my nose was between them."

ECONOMY IN THE STABLE

Jones, who was a student of economy, lamented the death of his horse. His friend sympathised and enquired the cause. "He was a wonderful horse, and if he had lived another day he would have proved a theory I have been pursuing." "How is that?" "Well, you see," replied Jones, "I reckon that it's all nonsense about having to spend so much on a horse's keep. I started this one with the ordinary feed, but gradually reduced the quantity." "And what did he have yesterday?" "Well, I'd got him down to one oat."

THE PATRIARCH

Three young fellows were strolling along a country lane, and saw approaching them a very patriarchal-looking old man. Thinking to take a rise out of him, they accosted him thus: "Hail, Father Abraham, Father Isaac, or Father Jacob." "Nay, my sons," the old man replied, "I am none of these, but rather Saul seeking his father's asses, and lo! here have I found them."

HIGH AND LOW

"I expect six clergymen to dine with me on Sunday next," said a gentleman to his butler. "Very good, sir," said the butler. "Are they High Church or Low Church, sir?" "What on earth can that signify to you?" asked the astonished master. "Everything, sir," was the reply. "If they are High Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, they'll eat!"

BEER

A gentleman, calling for small beer at another gentleman's table, finding it very hard, gave it to the servant again without drinking. "What!" said the master of the house, "don't you like the beer?" "It is not to be found fault with," answered the other, "for one should never speak ill of the dead."

NOT IMPORTUNATE

A lady having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had accepted, with the reservation, "If I am spared." "Weel, weel," replied she, "if ye're dead, I'll no' expect ye."

THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON

A story of a Tudor judge is told of Sir Nicholas Bacon, who in the time of Elizabeth was importuned by a criminal to spare his life on account of kinship.

"How so?" demanded the judge.

"Because my name is Hog and yours is Bacon; and hog and bacon are so near akin that they cannot be separated."

"Ay," responded the judge dryly, "but you and I cannot yet be kindred--for the hog is not bacon until it be well hanged."

UNION IS STRENGTH

A country traveller was asked by the landlord of the inn at which he had put up how he had slept. "Well," he replied, "union is strength--a fact of which your inmates seem to be unaware; for had the fleas been unanimous last night they might have pushed me out of bed." "Fleas!" said the landlord, in astonishment, "I was not aware that I had a single one in the house." "I don't believe you have," retorted the traveller, "they are all married and have uncommonly large families."

COURTSHIP

"Martha, dost thou love me?" asked a Quaker youth of one at whose shrine his heart's holiest feelings had been offered up. "Why, Seth," she answered, "we are commanded to love one another, are we not?" "Ay, Martha, but dost thee regard me with the feeling the world calls love?" "I hardly know what to tell thee, Seth, I have greatly feared that my heart was an erring one. I have tried to bestow my love on all, but I have sometimes thought, perhaps, that thee was getting rather more than thy share."

TO LET

A gentleman, inspecting lodgings to be let, asked the pretty girl, who showed them, "And are you, my dear, to be let with the lodgings?" "No," answered she, "I am to be let alone."

CUT AND COME AGAIN

A gentleman who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he, "it's whipcord it is!"

THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT

A Scotch minister was once sent for to visit a sick man. On arriving at the house he enquired:

"What church do you attend?"

"Barry kirk," replied the invalid.

"Why, then, did you not send for your own minister?"

"Na, na," replied the sick man, "we would not risk him. Do you no' ken it's a dangerous case of typhoid?"

KISMET

A lady who had named her house Kismet engaged an Irish servant. Bridget desiring to know the meaning of Kismet was told it signified "Fate." Shortly after, Bridget was painfully and laboriously descending the stairs. "What is the matter?" asked her mistress. "I've got fearful corns on my Kismet," was the reply.

THE YOUNG IDEA

A small boy, asked to name the four seasons, replied: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar." Another, asked for the principal gases, said: "Oxygen and Cambridgen."

THE NEW BABY

Jack was rather put out on the arrival of a new little brother. "But, Mummy, he has no hair." "No, Jack, he has no hair." "Mummy, he has no teeth." "Oh, no, Jack, no teeth now." "Oh, Mummy, dear, you've been had; they have given you an old 'un."

HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES

One of the best remembered of Hook's efforts in extemporising is that recorded of his improvising at a party when Mr. Winter was announced, a well-known inspector of taxes. Without a moment's break in his performance Hook went on:--

"Here comes Mr. Winter, inspector of taxes, I'd advise you to give him whatever he axes, I'd advise ye to give him without any flummery-- For though his name's Winter his actions are summary."

THE SHE BEAR

A thoughtful child said to her mother on the way to church: "Mummy, dear! Shall we have that hymn to-day about the she bear?" "I don't remember any hymn about a she bear, darling," replied the perplexed mother. "Whatever do you mean, child?" "I mean the hymn that goes, 'Can a mother's tender care, Cease towards the child she bear?'"

KNOWLEDGE

A girl of tender age was a witness at a trial.

"Do you know what an oath is, my child?" asked the judge.

"Yes, sir, I am obliged to tell the truth."

"And what will happen if you tell lies?"

"I shall go to the naughty place," replied the child.

"Are you sure of that?"

"Yes, sir, quite sure."

"Let her be sworn," said the judge; "it is clear she knows a great deal more than I do."

A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS

Calling one day at Saunders and Otley's library, a subscriber was very angry because certain books that he had ordered had not been sent. He was so heated in his indignation that one of the partners could stand it no longer, and told him so.

"I don't know who you are," was the customer's retort, "and I don't want to annoy you _personally_, as you may not be the one in fault; it's your confounded house I blame. You may be Otley, or you may be Saunders; if you are Saunders, damn Otley! if you are Otley, damn Saunders! I mean nothing personal to _you_."

THE EARLY BIRD

A father chiding his son for not getting up early, told him as an inducement, that a certain man being up in good time, found a purse containing money. "That may be," replied the son, "but he that lost it was up before him."

TABLE TALK

An ingenious gentleman had been showing at a dinner-table how he could cut a pig out of orange peel. A guest who was present tried again and again to do the same, but after strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges exclaimed, "Hang the pig! I can't make him." "Why no," said the performer, "you have done more--instead of one pig you have made a litter."

TROUBLES

"I'm sorry to see you giving way to drink like this, Pat," said the village priest, "you that were always such a respectable boy, too." "Shure, an' Oi'm obleeged to do it, your 'anner," replied Pat. "Oi have to dhrink to droun me trubles." "H'm," said his interrogator, "and do you succeed in drowning them?" "No, begorra," cried Pat, "shure an' that's the warst uv it. The divvles can shwim!"

A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND

A Southerner with no love for Scotland returned from his first trip to the North, and was asked by a Scot if he had not acquired a better opinion of Scotland. What did he now think of it? "That it is a very vile country to be sure," answered the traveller. "Well, sir!" retorted the nettled Scot, "God made it!" "Certainly he did!" came the instant acknowledgment; "but we must always remember that He made it for Scotsmen."

DRY HUMOUR

An Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman many miles during torrents of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care about being very wet, if I wasn't so very dry, your honour."

THE CHURCH ORGAN

"Friend Maltby, I am pleased that thou hast got such a fine organ in thy church." "But," said the clergyman, "I thought you were strongly opposed to having an organ in a church?" "So I am," said Friend Obadiah, "but then if thou wilt worship the Lord by machinery, I would like thee to have a first-rate instrument."

COMMON PRAYER

A little boy had been brought up with much care. On his eighth birthday he was given a nicely bound Prayer Book by his aunt. After a brief examination he pushed the book on one side disappointedly. On being asked the reason he said, "I don't like anything 'Common.'"

SHORT COMMONS

At a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice: "Wanted, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family."

TRUTH

"My lord," said a witness, "you may believe me or not, but I have stated not a word that is false, for I have been wedded to truth from infancy."

"Yes, sir," replied the Judge drily, "but the question is, how long have you been a widower."

A WRONG CHOICE

"I can't stand the missus, sir," said a servant in a complaining voice to her master.

"It's a pity, Mary," said the master sarcastically, "that I couldn't have selected a wife to suit you."

"Sure, sir," replied Mary, "we all make mistakes."

FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD

A visitor at a Devonshire fishing village asked the parson what was the principal diet of the villagers. "Fish mostly," said the Vicar. "But I thought fish was a brain food, and these are the most unintelligent folk I ever saw," remarked the tourist. "Well," replied the parson, "just think what they would look like if they didn't eat fish!"

A CHARACTER

A gentleman lately dismissed a clever but dishonest gardener. For the sake of his wife and family he gave him a character, and this is how he worded it: "I hereby certify that A. Brown has been my gardener for over two years, and that during that time he got more out of my garden than any man I ever employed."

HUSBAND OR COW

The wife of a small farmer in Perthshire went to a chemist with two prescriptions--one for her husband, and the other for her cow. Finding she had not money to pay for both, the chemist asked her which she would take. "Gie me that for the coo," said the wife; "if my man were to dee, I could sune get another; but I am not sae sure if I would sune get another coo."

A NEW METHOD

It was baking day and mother was very busy with other duties also. "May," she cried, "see if the cake is done. Put a knife in it and if it comes out clean you'll know that it is finished." "Yes," added father, "and if it comes out clean stick the others in too."

GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED

"You have saved my life," said the old man whom the young hero had just pulled out of the river. "As a reward you may marry my daughter there." The hero glanced at the daughter, then grasped the old man. "What are you doing?" asked the perplexed father. "Going to drop you in again," he replied.

ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD

A merchant dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors' ears, "Farewell," said one, "there is so much of mine gone with him." "And he carried so much of mine," said another. One hearing them make their several complaints said, "Well, I see now, that though a man can carry nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of other men's."

COLD FEET

"Do you suffer from cold feet?" the doctor asked the young wife.

"Yes," she replied.

He promised to send her some medicine to take.

"Oh," she said nervously. "They're--not--not mine."

BUSYBODIES

A master of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will, sir." "What are you doing?" "Nothing, sir." "Is Tom there?" "Yes," said Tom. "What are you doing?" "Helping Will, sir."

ALDERMANIC TASTES

_Freddy_: "Papa, may I study elocution?"

_Proud Father_: "Indeed you may, my boy, if you wish. You desire to become a great orator, do you?"

"Yes, that's it."

"And some day perhaps have your voice ringing in the vaulted chamber of the first legislative assembly in the world?"

"I shouldn't care for that. I want to be an after-dinner speaker."

"Ah, you are ambitious for social distinction, then?"

"No--I want the dinners."

"WARRANTED TO KILL"

An itinerant "old-clo" woman on reaching a village in an irritated condition proceeded to the general shop with a request for a certain useful powder. The shopkeeper expressed his ability to supply her need either in packet form or loose. "Don't you worry about no packet, young man," she said. "Jest pour it down here," indicating her open collar.

PROFESSIONAL

An editor being asked at dinner if he would take some pudding, replied, in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, we are unable to find room for it."

THE NEW VERSION

A class of boys were undergoing an examination in Scripture. The subject was the Good Samaritan. "And why do you consider the Pharisee, after looking at him, passed by on the other side?" "Because he saw he had been robbed already," was the answer given.

DRAUGHTS

A well-known judge was so afraid of draughts that the air of his courts was always of a very high temperature. One of his colleagues once explained this habit by saying that he was preparing the bar for a future state.

TENDERNESS

A beggar in Dublin had been a long time besieging an old gouty, testy, limping gentleman, who refused his mite with much irritability; on which the mendicant said, "Ah, plase your honour's honour, I wish your heart were as tender as your toes."

HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP

Little May was going to tea, and her mother was giving her some words of advice. "There will be a Bishop, dear; remember always to address him as My Lord when you speak."

During the afternoon the Bishop approached May, and, patting her on the head, said, "Well, little girl, how old are you?"

The Bishop's surprise was great when she replied, "My God, I'm eight."

HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE

One of the best known of Hook's puns was uttered to a visitor to his house at Fulham. The visitor, looking at Putney Bridge, said that he had heard that it was a good investment, and turning to his host asked if that was really so. "I really don't know," was the answer, "but you have only to cross it and you will certainly be tolled."

A GOOD EXAMPLE

A Welsh parson, in his sermon, told his congregation how kind and respectful we ought to be towards each other, and added, that in this respect we were greatly inferior to animals. To prove this, he mentioned as an example the circumstance of two goats, which met one another upon a narrow plank across a river, so that they could not pass by without one thrusting the other off, "Now, how do you think they did? Why, I'll tell you. One lay down, and let the other leap over him. Ah, my beloved, let us live like goats."

A MISFIT

_Assistant_: "Do the shoes fit, madam?"

_Madam_: "Oh, yes, they fit me perfectly; but they hurt me terribly when I try to walk."

A CHEERFUL INVITATION

An odd instance of the force of technical training is afforded by a story of one of the official attendants at a funeral. Having been charged with a message from a relative of the departed to another guest, he came across the room, and translating it into his own language, said, "If you please, sir, the corpse's brother would be happy to take wine with you."

THE INEVITABLE RESULT

The fervent temperance orator stopped in the midst of his speech, and said, impressively: "I wish all the pubs were at the bottom of the sea." Voice in crowd, "Hear, hear!" "Ah, there speaks a noble teetotaller!" "Not at all, I'm a diver."

JUSTICE

An Irishman, who was to undergo trial for theft, was being comforted by his priest. "Keep up your heart, Dennis, my boy. Take my word for it, you'll get justice." "Troth, yer riverence," replied Dennis in an undertone, "and that's just what I am afraid of."

THAT AWFUL CHILD

"What does God have for His dinner, mother?" asked Willy.

"Sh-h. You must not ask such questions. God does not need any dinner."

"Then I suppose he has an egg for his tea."

A COSMOPOLITAN

Speaking of the different languages of Europe, a professor thus described them: "The French is the best language to speak to one's friend; the Italian to one's mistress; the English to the people; the Spanish to God, and the German to a horse."

CLOTHES AND THE MAN

_Debt Collector_: "Is your master at home?"

_Servant_ (curtly): "No, he isn't."

_Debt Collector_ (suspiciously): "But I can see his hat hanging up in the hall."

_Servant_: "Well, what's that got to do with it? One of my dresses is hanging on the line in the back garden, but I'm not there!"

A WITTY REPLY

One day a celebrated advocate was arguing before a very stupid and very rude Scotch judge who, to express his contempt of what he was saying, pointed with one forefinger to one of his ears, and with the other to the opposite one.

"You see this, Mr. ----?"

"I do, my lord," said the advocate.

"Well, it just goes in here and comes out there!" and his lordship smiled with the hilarity of a judge who thinks he has actually said a good thing.

"I do not doubt it, my lord. What is there to prevent it?"

THE SOUND OF A TRUMPET

An old inhabitant of Kilmarnock had taken more whiskey than was good for him. On his way home, feeling very tired, he lay down in the churchyard for a rest, with his head against a tombstone. He was suddenly aroused from his sleep by the blast of a trumpet. He woke in a fright, thinking the end of the world had come, but when he found himself alone, exclaimed, "Well, this is a poor show for Kilmarnock."

GRAMMAR

A waggish curate overheard the schoolmaster giving lessons in grammar. "You cannot place a, the singular article," said the preceptor, "before plural nouns. No one can say _a_ pigs, _a_ women, _a_----" "Nonsense," cried the curate, "the prayerbook teaches us to say _a_-men."

ONE SIDE AT A TIME

A juryman asked to be excused as he was deaf in one ear. "I don't think that matters," said the judge; "let him be sworn, we only hear one side of a case at a time."

COMPANY

"Bridget, I don't think it looks well for you to entertain company in the kitchen the way you do," said the young mistress.

"Thanks, mum," replied the cook; "but I wouldn't like t' take him int' th' parlour--he spits t'baccy."

HER OWN FAULT

_Mistress_: "Mary, don't let me catch you kissing the grocer's boy again."

_Mary_: "Lor', mum, I don't mean to, but you do bob around so."

A POSER

A new sentry was on guard outside the residence of a general; a small green was in front of the house and the strict orders were that no one was to cross it, human or otherwise, save the General's cow. An old lady coming to visit, bent her steps across the lawn as a short cut, but was called on by the sentry asking her to return. She was not unnaturally somewhat put out and said, with a stately air, "But do you know who I am?" "I don't know who you be, ma'am," replied the immovable sentry, "but I knows you b'aint--you b'aint the General's cow!"

YOUTHFUL PRECOCITY

A youth asked permission of his mother to go to a ball. She told him it was a bad place for little boys. "Why, mother, didn't you and father use to go to balls when you were young?" "Yes, but we have seen the folly of it," said the mother. "Well, mother," exclaimed the son, "I want to see the folly of it too!"

ABOVE PROOF

An East-India Governor having died abroad his body was put in spirit, to preserve it for internment in England. A sailor on board the ship being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all in the ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow appeared very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The captain resolved to find out, promising to forgive him if he would tell from whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out, "Why, please your honour, I tapped the Governor."

ON DEATH

Two recruits were discussing the Great War and the possible date of their being sent to the front. Said one to the other, "I wouldn't mind getting killed, Charlie, if it wasn't so d----d permanent."

ENVY

A drunken man was found by the roadside in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!" replied another, who had perceived him to be merely intoxicated; "by the powers, I wish I had just half his disease!"

A HAT FOR NOTHING

An honest rustic went into the shop of a Quaker to buy a hat, for which fifteen shillings were demanded. He offered twelve shillings. "As I live," said the Quaker, "I cannot afford to give it thee at that price." "As you live!" exclaimed the countryman, "then live more moderately, and be hanged to you." "Friend," said the Quaker, "thou shalt have the hat for nothing. I have sold hats for twenty years, and my 'As I live' trick has never been found out till now."

AN OLD PROVERB

A Chinaman was much worried by a vicious-looking dog which barked at him in an angry manner. "Don't be afraid of him," said a friend. "You know the old proverb: 'A barking dog never bites.'"

"Yes," said the Chinaman, "you know proverb, I know proverb, but does d--n dog know proverb?"

PRO BONO PUBLICO

It was just before the opening of the Academy and Swiper was growling as usual.

"I wish I had a fortune," he said, "I'd never paint again."

"By Jove, old man," replied his visitor, "I wish I had one. I'd give it to you!"

A NEW RECIPE