Part 1

Produced by Al Haines.

EVER HEARD THIS?

OVER THREE HUNDRED GOOD STORIES

BY

F. W. CHAMBERS

THIRD EDITION

METHUEN & CO. LTD. 36 ESSEX STREET W.C. LONDON

First Published ...... October 27th 1916 Second Edition ...... November 1916 Third Edition ...... December 1916

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CONTENTS

WHAT HE WANTED HIS CHOICE NOT IN THE REGULATIONS CHEAP TALK SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT A CANDID CRITIC WHAT'S IN A NAME WHY BROWN LEFT AN ASS'S SHADOW GRACE MISUNDERSTOOD TRUMPS THE STUTTERER PRESENT AND FUTURE THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE A PASSOVER STORY EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER A GOOD PUN SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT THE UNWELCOME GUEST A LOST BALANCE A BAD CROP NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES JAW-ACHE HER PROGRAMME THE PROUD FATHER A MIRACLE KEEPING TIME QUESTION AND ANSWER MOTHER'S JAM POTS WISDOM WHY NOT? THE OLD FARMER ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER TACT THE RETORT RUDE THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP THE BEST JUDGE A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE A SHIPWRECK A SAFE CASE THE WATCH MENDER THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS HIGH PRINCIPLES THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE CANNY SCOT A NICE DISTINCTION NOT TWO-FACED CLERICAL WIT A COSTLY EXPERIMENT A GOOD REASON ECONOMY IN THE STABLE THE PATRIARCH HIGH AND LOW BEER NOT IMPORTUNATE THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON UNION IS STRENGTH COURTSHIP TO LET CUT AND COME AGAIN THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT KISMET THE YOUNG IDEA THE NEW BABY HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES THE SHE BEAR KNOWLEDGE A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS THE EARLY BIRD TABLE TALK TROUBLES A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND DRY HUMOUR THE CHURCH ORGAN COMMON PRAYER SHORT COMMONS TRUTH A WRONG CHOICE FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD A CHARACTER HUSBAND OR COW A NEW METHOD GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD COLD FEET BUSYBODIES ALDERMANIC TASTES "WARRANTED TO KILL" PROFESSIONAL THE NEW VERSION DRAUGHTS TENDERNESS HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE A GOOD EXAMPLE A MISFIT A CHEERFUL INVITATION THE INEVITABLE RESULT JUSTICE THAT AWFUL CHILD A COSMOPOLITAN CLOTHES AND THE MAN A WITTY REPLY THE SOUND OF A TRUMPET GRAMMAR ONE SIDE AT A TIME COMPANY HER OWN FAULT A POSER YOUTHFUL PRECOCITY ABOVE PROOF ON DEATH ENVY A HAT FOR NOTHING AN OLD PROVERB PRO BONO PUBLICO A NEW RECIPE NOT A WAXWORK THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU TIPS JUSTICE DEAD AS A DOORNAIL FAITH JOB'S CURSE A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION THE RULING PASSION FELO-DE-SE HOW TO GET WARM NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR OF COMPOSITIONS PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF ANTICIPATION HYMNS AND HERS HORS CONCOURS THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE A UNITED COUPLE WET PAINT TICK, TICK, TICK DIFFIDENCE THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED IMAGINATION UNREMITTING KINDNESS A WARM PROSPECT A SOPORIFIC STORY ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS THE LOST JOINT THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN ALL MEN ARE LIARS AN OBJECT LESSON A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT "SOMEWHERE" THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE WAR AND TAXES A MODERN ALFRED CHARITY ON CREDIT COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER THE EMPTY BOTTLE H2O AN ACCIDENT TOUCH HIM UP A SMART BOY WEARING ROUGE THE POOR LANDLORD THE DAY OF REST NOT TO BE CAUGHT MOLECULES A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN TWINS A NATURAL OBJECTION BADLY PUT A DOUBTFUL MARKET SEQUENCES TWO POINTS OF VIEW A CANNIBAL TO LET--UNFURNISHED A FRIEND OF SATAN THE TEDDY BEAR BROTHERLY LOVE CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES MULTIPLICATION A BIBLICAL STORY THE THOUGHTFUL MAID HEMP GOOD ADVICE CHANGE AND REST THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM THE WAY TO YORK THE WAY TO DO IT LOT AND THE FLEA WHIST A NEW PRESCRIPTION JACOB'S LADDER A PORTRAIT BLOATERS A CONVENIENCE THE PRAYER MEETING TAKING TIME KING'S EVIDENCE A PLEASANT PROSPECT BALAAM'S SWORD THE HONORARIUM MANNERS SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING THE AVERAGE EGG FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE THE G.O.M. A NEAT RETORT A SYDNEY SMITH STORY A COMMON DIFFICULTY MARY JONES DONALD COMPLIED VEGETARIANISM FELLOW-FEELING JONAH AND THE WHALE WHOLLY GOOD "CAREFUL, NOW!" SAFETY O'BRIEN THE LUCID MERCY A BULL A GOOD REASON THE ARREST CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM SOLITUDE A QUESTION OF NUMBERS AMERICAN POULTRY GRACE MAL A PROPOS THE POOR IDIOT A WELSH WIG-GING FORGIVENESS AN ODD COMPARISON ACOUSTICS SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT BRIGHT AND SHARP SOFTNESS AN EASY QUALIFICATION MISER'S CHARITY ON TAKING A WIFE THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS HOW TO WIN PIGS BACON AND THE DEVIL HINTS TO MOTHERS GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE A SAFE SHOT HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION DIFFERENCES COALS MODESTY AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK MODERN EDUCATION THE RULING PASSION EDUCATION A LONG GRACE THE USE OF FALSE TEETH HOW TO COLLECT IMPERSONATION A SMART RETORT TRUTH WILL OUT SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES A NEW DISH FULL OF PLUCK CANDID ON BOTH SIDES THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN A CUNNING ELDER AS YOU LIKE IT UNNECESSARY CIVILITY AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE TABLE OF COMPARISON THE INTELLIGENT CAT HEAR! HEAR! MISPLACING THE BLAME WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH MORAL QUALIFICATIONS MEASURING HIS DISTANCE AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES THE LATIN FOR COLD THE CUT DIRECT COMMON WANT NOT TO BE BEATEN AN ODD NOTION "IF----" LATE AND EARLY A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE SHARP BOY THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH CREDIT UNKIND NOT COMPULSORY "YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!" AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT A DIFFICULT TASK NON-RUNNERS THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN A VIOLENT PARTNER WISDOM A DOUBTFUL POINT THE BETTER WAY A GOOD REASON A NEW TEXT AN AUCTION A REAL SPORT THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR

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EVER HEARD THIS?

WHAT HE WANTED

A lover and his lass sought a secluded lane, but to their disgust a small boy arrived there too. Said the lover:

"Here's a penny. Go and get some sweets."

"I don't want any sweets."

"Well, here's a shilling. Run away."

"I don't want a shilling."

"Then here's half a crown."

"I don't want half a crown."

"Well, what do you want?"

"I want to watch."

HIS CHOICE

A little boy, who had had some insight into the disposal of surplus kittens, on being shown his mother's newly arrived twins, laid his finger on that which struck his fancy, and said, "That's the one I'll have kept."

NOT IN THE REGULATIONS

A raw Highlander from a northern depot was put on guard at the C.O.'s tent. In the morning the Colonel looked out, and though he prided himself on knowing all his men the sentry's face was unfamiliar.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"A'am fine, thank ye," was the reply, "an' hoo's yerself?"

CHEAP TALK

Jones was proud of his virtues. "Gentlemen, for twenty years I haven't touched whisky, cards, told a lie, done an unkind deed, or smoked, or sworn," he said.

"By Jove! I wish I could say that," Brown exclaimed enviously.

"Well, why don't you?" said a mutual friend. "Jones did."

SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT

A Scot and a minister were in a train together travelling through a lovely part of Scotland.

Beautiful scenery--mountains, dales, rivers, and all the glories of Nature. When passing a grand mountain they saw a huge advertisement for So-and-So's whisky.

The Scot gave a snort of disgust. The minister leant forward and said, "I'm glad to see, sir, that you agree with me, that they should not be allowed to desecrate the beauties of Nature by advertisement."

"It's no' that, sir," said the Scot bitterly, "it's rotten whusky."

A CANDID CRITIC

Bishop Blomfield, having forgotten his written sermon, once preached _ex tempore_, for the first and only time in his life, choosing as his text "The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God." On his way home he asked one of his congregation how he liked the discourse. "Well, Mr. Blomfield," replied the man, "I liked the sermon well enough, but I can't say I agree with you; I think there be a God!"

WHAT'S IN A NAME

A lawyer who was sometimes forgetful, having been engaged to plead the cause of an offender, began by saying: "I know the prisoner at the bar, and he bears the character of being a most consummate and impudent scoundrel." Here somebody whispered to him that the prisoner was his client, when he immediately continued: "But what great and good man ever lived who was not calumniated by many of his contemporaries?"

WHY BROWN LEFT

Mr. Brown expressed to his landlady his pleasure in seeing her place a plate of scraps before the cat. "Oh, yes, sir," she replied. "Wot I says, Mr. Brown, is, be kind to the cats, and yer'll find it saves yer 'arf the washin'-up."

AN ASS'S SHADOW

A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a very long face, that he had seen a ghost. "When and where?" said the pastor. "Last night," replied the timid man, "I was passing by the church, and up against the wall of it, did I behold the spectre." "In what shape did it appear?" replied the priest. "It appeared in the shape of a great ass." "Go home and say not a word about it," rejoined the pastor; "you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow."

GRACE

A precocious child found the long graces used by his father before and after meals very tedious. One day, when the week's provisions had been delivered, he said, "I think, father, if you were to say grace over the whole lot at once, it would be a great saving of time."

MISUNDERSTOOD

A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster was thus accosted by his landlord: "John, I am going to raise your rent." John replied, "Sir, I am very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself."

TRUMPS

Ayrton, Charles Lamb's friend, only made one joke in his life; it was this. Lamb had his usual Wednesday-evening gathering, and Martin Burney and the rest were playing at whist. Ayrton contented himself with looking on. Presently he said to Burney, in an undertone, the latter not being notorious for his love of soap and water, "Ah! Martin, if dirt were trumps, what hands you'd hold!"

THE STUTTERER

An old woman received a letter from the post-office at New York. Not knowing how to read and being anxious to know the contents, supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read it to her. He accordingly began and read: "Charleston, June 23rd. Dear Mother"--then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed: "Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry, he always stuttered!"

PRESENT AND FUTURE

A rude young fellow seeing an aged hermit going by him barefoot said, "Father, you are in a miserable condition if there is not another world." "True, son," said the hermit, "but what is thy condition if there is?"

THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE

A London girl visited the country on May Day. She came to a pond whose shallows were full of tadpoles--thousands and thousands of little black tadpoles flopping about in an inch of mud and water. "Oh," she said, "look at the tadpoles! And to think that some day every one of the horrid, wriggling things will be a beautiful butterfly!"

A PASSOVER STORY

A member of an impecunious family having hurried off to the Continent to avoid the importunities of his creditors, a celebrated wit remarked, "It is a pass-over that will not be much relished by the Jews."

EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE

At Durham assizes a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages against a neighbour, was being examined, when the judge suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle the matter. "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's car. "I thank his lordship kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's no illconwenience to him, I'll take a little warm ale!"

BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER

"Sir," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, "will you tell me if this is a good half-sovereign?" The lawyer, pronouncing the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If you'll send your lad to my office, I'll return the three and fourpence."

A GOOD PUN

Sir G. Rose, the great punster, on observing someone imitating his gait, said, "You have the stalk without the rose."

SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT

The late Judge C---- one day had occasion to examine a witness who stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his Lordship, "you are a very great rogue." "Not so great a rogue as you, my lord, t-t-t-takes me to be."

THE UNWELCOME GUEST

A man who was fond of visiting his friends and outstaying his welcome had been cordially received by a Quaker who treated him with attention and politeness for some days. At last his host said, "My friend, I am afraid thee wilt never visit me again." "Oh, yes, I shall," he replied. "I have enjoyed my visit very much; I will certainly come again." "Nay," said the Quaker, "I think thee wilt not visit me again." "What makes you think I shall not come again?" asked the visitor. "If thee does never leave," said the Quaker, "how canst thee come again?"

A LOST BALANCE

A celebrated wit coming from a bank which had been obliged to close its doors, slipped down the steps into the arms of a friend.

"Why, what's the matter?" said the latter.

"Oh," was the quick reply, "I've only lost my balance."

A BAD CROP

After a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain: and a country gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful rain; I hope it will bring up everything out of the ground." "By Jove, sir," said Sir John, "I hope not; for I have buried three wives."

NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES

Mr. Pitt was discoursing at a Cabinet dinner on the energy and beauty of the Latin language. In support of the superiority which he affirmed it to have over the English, he asserted that two negatives made a thing more positive than one affirmative possibly could. "Then," said Thurlow, "your father and mother must have been two complete negatives to make such a positive fellow as you are!"

JAW-ACHE

"Why, you have never opened your mouth this session," said Sir Thomas Lethbridge to Mr. Gye; replied Mr. Gye, "Your speeches have made me open it very frequently. My jaws have ached with yawning."

HER PROGRAMME

Jane had asked for an evening off to go to her first dance. Returning at a very early hour, she was asked by her master whether she had enjoyed herself. "No, indeed, sir," she replied, "I was most insulted." "How was that, Jane?" "I 'adn't been there very long, sir, when a young man comes up and hactually hasks whether my programme was full. And I'd only 'ad two sandwiches."

THE PROUD FATHER

"Shure an' it's married Oi am!" said Pat to an old friend he had not seen for a long time. "You don't mane it?" "Faith, an' it's true. An' Oi've got a fine healthy bhoy, an' the neighbours say he's the very picture of me." "Och, niver moind what they say," said Mick. "What's the harm so long as the child is healthy."

A MIRACLE

An Irish parson of the old school, in whom a perception of the ridiculous was developed with a Rabelaisian breadth of appreciation, was asked by a clodhopper to explain the meaning of a miracle. "Walk on a few paces before me," said his reverence, which having done the peasant was surprised to feel in the rear a kick, administered with decided energy. "What did you do that for?" demanded the young man angrily. "Simply to illustrate my meaning," replied the cleric blandly; "if you had not felt it, it would have been a miracle."

KEEPING TIME

A gentleman at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, how he should stir the fire without interrupting the music. "Between the bars," replied the friend.

QUESTION AND ANSWER

A Quaker was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by his theeing and thouing, one of them with a stern countenance asked him--"Pray, sir, do you know what we sit here for?"--"Yea," replied Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen hundred and fifty pounds a year."

MOTHER'S JAM POTS

"Willy, why were you not at school yesterday?" asked the teacher.

"Please, mum," answered the absentee, "Muvver made marmalade yesterday and she sent me to the cemetery."

"What on earth for?"

"To collect some jam pots, mum."

WISDOM

A country clergyman, meeting a neighbour, who never came to church, although an old fellow above sixty, reproved him on that account, and asked if he ever read at home? "No," replied the man, "I can't read." "I dare say," said the clergyman, "you don't know who made you." "Not I, in troth," said the countryman. A little boy coming by at the time, "Who made you, child?" said the parson. "God, sir," answered the boy. "Why, look you there," quoth the honest parson. "Are you not ashamed to hear a child of five or six years old tell me who made him, when you, that are so old a man, cannot?" "Ah!" said the countryman. "It is no wonder that he should remember; he was made but t'other day, it is a great while, master, sin' I was made."

WHY NOT?

Jimmy giggled when the teacher read the story of the man who swam across the Tiber three times before breakfast.

"You do not doubt that a trained swimmer could do that, do you?"

"No, sir," answered Jimmy, "but I wonder why he did not make it four and get back to the side where his clothes were."

THE OLD FARMER

An old farmer lay so dangerously ill that the doctor gave no hope of recovery.

Whilst lying in an apparently semi-conscious state, he suddenly opened his eyes, and said to his wife, who was watching by his bedside: "Mary, that's a nice smell, it's just like a ham cooking. I almost think I could eat a little, if it is cooked."

The reply was, "Thee get on with the dying, that ham is for the funeral."

ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER

In the course of the play one of the characters had to say to a very plain actor, "My lord, you change countenance"; whereupon a young fellow in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, let him!"

TACT

Little Jimmy had been sent early to bed, but he could not sleep. Presently he called out to his mother in plaintive tones, "Mummy, bring me a glass of water, I'm so thirsty." No reply being vouchsafed him, he repeated his request after a short interval. And this time received an abrupt answer, "If you don't be quiet I'll come up to slap you." Suddenly a thought struck him and still in plaintive voice he cried, "Mummy, when you come to slap me, bring me a glass of water."

THE RETORT RUDE

A young dude (with a monocle) and very irregular features while travelling by train was at first much amused by the grimaces of a boy who was sitting facing him. The boy, however, was obviously laughing at him so the dude asked him if he could share the joke.

"Joke!" said the boy, "it's your face I'm laughing at."

"Well, I can't help my face, can I?"

"No," replied the boy, leaving the train, "but you _could_ stay at home."

THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE

A man once went to purchase a horse of a Quaker. "Will he draw well?" asked the buyer. "Thee wilt be pleased to see him draw." The bargain was concluded, and the farmer tried the horse, but he would not stir a step. He returned and said, "That horse will not draw an inch." "I did not tell thee that it would draw, friend, I only remarked that it would please thee to see him draw, so it would me, but he would never gratify me in that respect."

CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP

A country schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?" "Please, sir," said the favourite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steamboat-bell." "Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favourite. "And now, sir," turning to the other, "what have you to say?" "Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "I--I--was waiting to see Tom off!"

THE BEST JUDGE

A lady said to her husband, in a friend's presence:

"My dear, you certainly want a pair of new trousers." "No, I think not," replied the husband.

"Well," interposed the friend, "I think the lady who always wears them, ought to know."

A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE

"Young man," said an inquisitive old lady, to a tram conductor, "if I put my foot on that rail shall I receive an electric shock?"

"No, mum," he replied, "unless you place your other foot on the overhead wire."

A SHIPWRECK

An Irish fisherman passed himself off to the captain of a ship near the coast of Ireland as a qualified pilot. He knew nothing of the coast. "This is a very dangerous shore here," said the captain to him, when he was on board. "Yes, it is, your honour," replied the fellow. "There are a great many dangerous rocks about here, I believe," observed the captain. "Yes, there are, and," a dreadful crash coming, "_this is one of them,_" coolly returned the fisherman.

A SAFE CASE

A briefless barrister was spending his time at the Courts when his clerk came to him with the news that a man was at his chambers with a brief. The barrister immediately hurried from the Courts for fear the client should escape him. "Stop, sir, stop," cried his clerk. "You needn't hurry, sir, I've locked him in."

THE WATCH MENDER

A private in a company of engineers gained a certain reputation for mending his comrades' watches. His reputation reached his captain's ears, who one day said to him, "Jones, I hear you are clever at watch-mending, here take this one of mine and see what you can make of it." Some few days after, Jones took back the watch. "Well, Jones, how much do I owe you?" "Three shillings," was the reply. "Well, here you are, and thank you," said the captain. "Oh! I forgot," said Jones, "here are three wheels which I had over."

THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS

"Do people ever take advantage of the invitation to use this church for meditation and prayer?" a City verger was once asked. "Yes," he replied, "I catched two of 'em at it the other day!"

HIGH PRINCIPLES

A Methodist who kept a grocer's shop was heard one day to say to his assistant, "John, have you watered the rum?" "Yes." "Have you sanded the brown sugar?" "Yes." "Have you damped the tobacco?" "Yes." "Then come in to prayers."

THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE

A gentleman who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for several days, desired to have the bill. Finding a large quantity of port placed to his servant's account he questioned him about it. "Please your honour," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge for." "One bottle port, one ditto, one ditto, one ditto." "Stop, stop, stop, master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are cheating you. I know I had some bottles of port, but I did not taste a drop of their ditto."

CANNY SCOT