ACT II
ENTER _Eunomia_ AND _Megadorus_ FROM LATTER’S HOUSE
_Eun._
Velim te arbitrari med haec verba, frater, 120 meai fidei tuaique rei causa facere, ut aequom est germanam sororem. quamquam haud falsa sum nos odiosas haberi; nam multum loquaces merito omnes habemur, nec mutam profecto repertam ullam esse aut hodie dicunt mulierem aut ullo in saeclo.
Brother, I do hope you’ll believe I say this out of my loyalty to you and for your welfare, as a true sister should. Of course I’m well enough aware you men think us women are a bother; yes, awful chatterboxes--that’s the name we all have, and (_ruefully_) it fits. And then that common saying, “Never now, nor through the ages, never any woman dumb.”
verum hoc, frater, unum tamen cogitato, tibi proximam me mihique esse item te; ita aequom est quod in rem esse utrique arbitremur et mihi te et tibi me consulere et monere; 130 neque occultum id haberi neque per metum mussari, quin participem pariter ego te et tu me ut facias, eo nunc ego secreto ted huc foras seduxi, ut tuam rem ego tecum hic loquerer familiarem.
But just the same, do remember this one thing, brother,-- that I am closer to you and you to me than anyone else in the whole world. So both of us ought to advise and counsel each other as to what we feel is to either’s advantage, not keep such things back or be afraid to speak out openly, we ought to confide in one another fully, you and I. This is why I’ve taken you aside out here now--so that we can have a quiet talk on a matter that concerns you intimately.
_Mega._
Da mi, optuma femina, manum.
(_warmly_) Let’s have your hand, you best of women!
_Eun._
Ubi ea est? quis ea est nam optuma?
(_pretending to look about_) Where is she? Who on earth is that best of women?
_Mega._
Tu.
Yourself.
_Eun._
Tune ais?
You say that--you?
_Mega._
Si negas, nego.
(_banteringly_) Oh well, if you deny it--
_Eun._
Decet te equidem vera proloqui; nam optuma nulla potest eligi: alia alia peior, frater, est.
Really now, you ought to be truthful. There’s no such thing, you know, as picking out the best woman; it’s only a question of comparative badness, brother.
_Mega._
Idem ego arbitror, 140 nec tibi advorsari certum est de istac re umquam, soror.
My own opinion precisely. I’ll never differ with you there, sister, you may count on that.
_Eun._
Da mihi operam amabo.
Now do give me your attention, there’s a dear.
_Mega._
Tuast, utere atque impera, si quid vis.
It is all your own; use me, command me--anything you wish.
_Eun._
Id quod in rem tuam optumum esse arbitror, ted id monitum advento.
I’m going to advise you to do something that I think will be the very best thing in the world for you.
_Mega_
Soror, more tuo facis.
Quite like you, sister.
_Eun._
Factum volo.
I certainly hope so.
_Mega._
Quid est id, soror?
And what is this something, my dear?
_Eun._
Quod tibi sempiternum salutare sit: liberis procreandis-- ita di faxint--volo te uxorem domum ducere.
Something that will make for your everlasting welfare. You should have children. God grant you may!--and I want you to marry.
_Mega._
Ei occidi.
Oh-h-h, murder!
_Eun._
Quid ita? 150
How so?
_Mega._
Quia mihi misero cerebrum excutiunt tua dicta, soror: lapides loqueris.
Well, you’re knocking my poor brains out with such a proposition, my dear girl: you’re talking cobble-stones.
_Eun._
Heia, hoc face quod te iubet soror.
Now, now, do what your sister tells you.
_Mega._
Si lubeat, faciam.
I would, if it appealed to me.
_Eun._
In rem hoc tuam est.
It would be a good thing for you.
_Mega._
Ut quidem emoriar prius quam ducam. sed his legibus si quam dare vis ducam: quae cras veniat, perendie foras feratur; his legibus dare vis? cedo: nuptias adorna.
Yes--to die before marrying. (_pause_) All right. I’ll marry anyone you please, on this condition, though: her wedding to-morrow, and her wake the day after. Still wish it, on this condition? Produce her! Arrange for the festivities!
_Eun._
Cum maxima possum tibi, frater, dare dote; sed est grandior natu: media est mulieris aetas. eam si iubes, frater, tibi me poscere, poscam. 160
I can get you one with ever so big a dowry, dear. To be sure, she’s not a young girl--middle-aged, as a matter of fact. I’ll see about it for you, brother, if you want.
_Mega._
Num non vis me interrogare te?
You don’t mind my asking you a question, I dare say?
_Eun._
Immo, si quid vis, roga.
Why, of course not; anything you like.
_Mega._
Post mediam aetatem qui media ducit uxorem domum, si eam senex anum praegnatem fortuito fecerit, quid dubitas, quin sit paratum nomen puero Postumus?
Now supposing a man pretty well on in life marries a lady of maturity and this aged female should happen to show intentions of making the old fellow a father--can you doubt but that the name in store for that youngster is Postumus?[A]
[Footnote A: The last born, or born after the father’s death.]
nunc ego istum, soror, laborem demam et deminuam tibi. ego virtute deum et maiorum nostrum dives sum satis. istas magnas factiones, animos, dotes dapsiles, clamores, imperia, eburata vehicla, pallas, purpuram, nil moror quae in servitutem sumptibus redigunt viros.
See here, sister, I’ll relieve you of all this and save you trouble. I’m rich enough, thanks be to heaven and our forbears. And I have no fancy at all for those ladies of high station and hauteur and fat dowries, with their shouting and their ordering and their ivory trimmed carriages and their purple and fine linen that cost a husband his liberty.
_Eun._
Dic mihi, quaeso, quis ea est quam vis ducere uxorem?
For mercy’s sake tell me who you do want to marry, then!
_Mega._
Eloquar. 170 nostin hunc senem Euclionem ex proximo pauperculum?
I’m going to. You know the old gentleman--rather hard up, poor fellow,--that lives next door, Euclio?
_Eun._
Novi, hominem haud malum mecastor.
Yes indeed. Why, he seems quite nice.
_Mega._
Eius cupio filiam virginem mihi desponderi. verba ne facias, soror. scio quid dictura es: hanc esse pauperem. haec pauper placet.
It’s his daughter--there’s the engagement I’m eager for. Now don’t make a fuss, sister. I know what you’re about to say-- that she’s poor. But this particular poor girl suits me.
_Eun._
Di bene vortant.
God’s blessing on your choice, dear!
_Mega._
Idem ego spero.
I trust so.
_Eun._
Quid me? num quid vis?
(_about to leave_) Well, there’s nothing I can do?
_Mega._
Vale.
Yes--take good care of yourself.
_Eun._
Et tu, frater.
You too, brother. [EXIT _Eunomia_.
_Mega._
Ego conveniam Euclionem, si domi est. sed eccum video. nescio unde sese homo recipit domum.
Now for an interview with Euclio, if he’s at home. (_looking down street_) Hullo, though! here he is! Just getting back from somewhere or other.
II. 2.