Part 3
The remains of many eligible bachelors who have strayed away from their clubs and been lost have been found by their anxious friends reposing by the domestic widow’s fireside.
—Dorothy Dix.
November Fifteenth
He evil entreateth the barren that beareth not; and doest not good to the widow.
—Job xxiv:21.
November Sixteenth
The barrel of meal shall not waste; neither shall the cruse of oil fail.
—I Kings xvii:14.
November Seventeenth
To the public eye the most attractive widow is the gay and frivolous one.
—Dorothy Dix.
November Eighteenth
Among all her lovers she hath none to comfort her.
—Lamentations i:2.
November Nineteenth
Finally, I will search for things that are little, avoiding all torch-lite processions, wimmin’s rights conventions and grass widders generally.
—Josh Billings.
November Twentieth
How is she become as a widow! she that was great among the nations!
—Lamentations i:1.
November Twenty-first
Neither shall they take for their wives a widow.
—Ezekiel xliv:22.
November Twenty-second
“I want some cards printed for ‘Mrs. Carrol.’”
“What’s her other name?”
“Ain’t got no other; her husband’s run away and left her.”
—Danbury News.
November Twenty-third
And all the widows stood by him weeping.
—Acts ix:39.
November Twenty-fourth
And now a widow I must mourn, The pleasures that will ne’er return; No comfort but a hearty can, When I think on John Highlandman.
—Burns.
November Twenty-fifth
Where is the bill of your mother’s divorcement?
—Isaiah i:1.
November Twenty-sixth
“Ev’ybody knows there ain’ no happiness in married life till one of de contractin’ parties done ’ceasted.”
—Harper’s Magazine.
November Twenty-seventh
Whoso shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement.
—Matthew v:31.
November Twenty-eighth
It has been found that the only way to head off a widow is to kill it.
—Dorothy Dix.
November Twenty-ninth
“If ever you’re attacked with the gout, sir, just you marry a widder as has got a good loud woice, with a decent notion of using it.”
—Dickens.
November Thirtieth
Your seventh wife, Phileros, is now being buried in your field. No man’s field yields him greater profit than yours, Phileros.
—Martial.
December First
“It behooves a husband, if he would not be forgotten, to stay alive.”
December Second
The most common, and perhaps the most dangerous, is the weeping widow, which may be easily distinguished by its long, flowing black veil and pensive air of melancholy.
—Dorothy Dix.
December Third
“The widow can bake, the widow can brew, The widow can shape and the widow can sew.”
December Fourth
Honor widows that are widows indeed.
—I Timothy v:3.
December Fifth
Now she that is a widow indeed and desolate, trusteth in God.
—I Timothy v:5.
December Sixth
“Take example by your father, my boy, and be very careful o’ the widders all your life.”
—Dickens.
December Seventh
Mrs. Peachblow—“Why does your husband carry such a tremendous amount of life insurance when he’s in such perfect health?”
Mrs. Flicker—“Oh, just to tantalize me! Men are naturally cruel.”
—Life.
December Eighth
She that is a widow is a lady.
—Kent.
December Ninth
The particular skill of the widow has ever been to inflame your wishes and yet command respect.
—Addison.
December Tenth
Second marriage: “The triumph of hope over experience.”
—Johnson.
December Eleventh
Lawyer—“Incompatibility? How does this incompatibility manifest itself?”
Lady—“Why, I want to get a divorce and my husband doesn’t.”
December Twelfth
“Thou art not the first man a widow’s love hath sent to the barber shop.”
—Exchange.
December Thirteenth
These widows, sir, are the most perverse creatures in the world.
—Addison.
December Fourteenth
With his dying breath he bid me never marry again till his grave should be dry, even though it should take up four days in drying.
—Oliver Goldsmith.
December Fifteenth
Lawyer—“But, Mrs. Smith, there is absolutely no ground for a divorce.”
Fair Client—“No cause? How long do you imagine it requires for one to become thoroughly tired of the name of Smith?”
—Life.
December Sixteenth
Both here and hence, pursue me lasting strife, If, once a widow, ever I be wife!
—Shakespeare.
December Seventeenth
None wed the second but who killed the first.
—Shakespeare.
December Eighteenth
If I have withheld the poor from their desire or have caused the eyes of the widow to fail.
—Job xxxi:16.
December Nineteenth
“The Bible distinctly says, ‘Ye ask and ye receive not, because ye ask amiss.’”
“Then ask a widow.”
December Twentieth
In proportion as his passion for the widow abated and old age came on, he left off fox-hunting; but a hare is not yet safe that sits within ten miles of his house.
—Addison.
December Twenty-first
Man proposes and the widow—accepts.
December Twenty-second
Come, Hurry up! Cause the widow’s heart to sing, Seal Pledge and Vow and Pleading with a Ring; Or, if Cupid’s dart has failed your Heart to flutter, To Cupid She won’t do a Thing.
—Ex-Widow.
December Twenty-third
Are you mirthful? how her laughter, Silver sounding, will ring out! She can lure, and catch and play you, As an angler does the trout.
—Anonymous.
December Twenty-fourth
How would you like to swap a ten-dollar pension for a five-dollar man?
—Kansas Suitor.
December Twenty-fifth
Men dying make their wills, But wives escape a task so sad; Why should they make what all their lives The gentle dames have had?
—Dryden.
December Twenty-sixth
Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
—Heywood.
December Twenty-seventh
Of old women, widows are most woeful.
—Thomas Fuller.
December Twenty-eighth
The first moment the widow Wadman saw him she felt something stirring within her in his favor,—something, something.
—Sterne.
December Twenty-ninth
But with a husband we demand The coin that’s current in the land.
—Richard Realf.
December Thirtieth
In her first passion woman loves her lover; in all others, all she loves is love.
—Byron.
December Thirty-first
“And when a widow’s in the case, You know all other things give place.”
The Tomoyé Press San Francisco, Cal.