Part 2
“Suppose,” said a friend who had been reading Enoch Arden, “that you went away on a sea voyage and came back and found that your wife had married another man?”
“That’s an absurd proposition. Henrietta would never be so careless as to let me go away on a sea voyage.”
—Washington Star.
May Thirtieth
An Atchison girl will marry a widower with five hand-me-down children.
—Atchison Globe.
May Thirty-first
A widow is a woman who has buried her husband; a grass widow is one who has simply mislaid hers.
—Will M. Clemens.
June First
Yet because this widow troubleth me, I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.
—Luke xviii:5.
June Second
Not even the immense labor of assimilating a new spouse’s relatives, appalling as it is, should hinder second marriages.
—Edward Stanton Martin.
June Third
The rich widow cries with one eye and rejoices with the other.
—Cervantes.
June Fourth
“There is one thing about my first husband I shall always respect him for,” she said.
“What is that?”
“He paid all the expenses of our divorce like a perfect gentleman.”
—Life.
June Fifth
He that marries a widow and three daughters has three back doors to his house.
—Spanish Proverb.
June Sixth
He that wooes a maid must never come in sight, But he that wooes a widow, must woo her day and night.
—English Proverb.
June Seventh
In appearance the widow is extremely attractive, being smooth and sleek, of a jet black color, with snow white collar. It also possesses a most melodious purr, and though it has extra sharp claws, these are seldom visible.
—Dorothy Dix.
June Eighth
Mrs. Manhattan—“The thirteenth husband is sure to be unlucky.”
Mrs. Lakeside (pensively)—“I’ll have to skip that number and marry twins.”
—New York Herald.
June Ninth
Misfortunes never come single; sometimes they come married.
—Life.
June Tenth
“Doctor, I can’t get it out of my head that possibly my poor husband was buried alive.”
“Nonsense,” snorted Dr. Peduncle, “didn’t I attend him myself in his last illness?”
—Life.
June Eleventh
Scarcely less to be feared by the prudent, is the species of this interesting animal, which is known as the domestic widow.
—Dorothy Dix.
June Twelfth
Little Clara (in an audible whisper)—“O nurse! I wish I had been born a widow instead of an orphan!”
—Harper’s Monthly
June Thirteenth
Young widows are always charming.
—Stowe.
June Fourteenth
Surely any good man who has one wife already would stay at home till moss accumulated on his scalp, rather than go gadding and take the chance of running against his affinity.
—Edward Stanton Martin.
June Fifteenth
When a man is chased by a determined widow, it is a mere waste of shoe leather to run away from it.
—Dorothy Dix.
June Sixteenth
You can’t imagine, sir, what ’tis to have to do with a widow.
—Addison.
June Seventeenth
What objections there are to second marriages are almost exclusively sentimental.
—Edward Stanton Martin.
June Eighteenth
Miss Jones (to Mr. Brown who has survived three wives)—“They must get kind o’ mixed up in heaven with so many Mrs. Browns about.”
Mr. Brown—“Oh, no, I calculate not! You see they’re all different shades of Brown.”
—Life.
June Nineteenth
The chief characteristic of the widow is its skill in bringing down its game.
—Dorothy Dix.
June Twentieth
“For patient resignation, that widow lying there a corpse could dance all ’round any woman living.”
—Danbury News Man.
June Twenty-first
By taking a second wife man pays the highest compliment to the first.
—Johnson.
June Twenty-second
For many persons who have lost their mates prematurely, it is far better to find a new one, if that is possible, than to go through life alone.
—Edward Stanton Martin.
June Twenty-third
And I caused the widow’s heart to sing for joy.
—Job xxix:13.
June Twenty-fourth
If you are an unsophisticated widow—one whose husband is just dead—you will find that you can remain in your own home sixty days without paying rent.
—Stowe.
June Twenty-fifth
I don’t feel at all sentimental; For women I care not a rap, But give me a jolly and gentle Rich widow in weeds and a cap.
—Strong.
June Twenty-sixth
When they deal directly with widows, they want a class that knows nothing of business.
—Stowe.
June Twenty-seventh
Then let him write her a bill of divorcement and give it in her hand and send her out of his house.
—Deut. xxiv:1.
June Twenty-eighth
“Ah, sweetest one, may I be your captain and guide your bark down the sea of life?”
“No. But you can be my second mate.”
—Exchange.
June Twenty-ninth
One of the chief inducements to marry a widow is the conversation that ought to result from her enlarged experience of life.
—Edward Stanton Martin.
June Thirtieth
“I celebrate June Thirtieth as Independence Day.”
“Isn’t that a trifle early?”
“It’s the day on which I secured my first divorce.”
—Judge.
July First
“You say his wife’s a brunette? I thought he married a blonde.”
“He did, but she dyed.”
—Wrinkle.
July Second
A law by which a widow should not burn herself till she had conversed privately with a young man. Since that time not a single woman hath burned herself in Arabia.
—Voltaire.
July Third
To the diplomatic widow, man is simply an open book. She plays upon his weaknesses as upon a harp with a thousand strings.
—Dorothy Dix.
July Fourth
Widows are dangerous animals to be at large.
—J. W. Stowe.
July Fifth
Wanted—A nice young girl of affectionate disposition willing to make a good-looking bachelor happy. Previous experience not necessary.
—Wasp.
July Sixth
In buying a horse and taking a wife, Shut your eyes and trust God for your life.
—Italian Proverb.
July Seventh
A Bunch of Cash, with figures not too Few, A Mine of Gold, a Government Bond or Two, And Youth and Beauty and Cupid ever near her, A Widow’s lot is not so Worse, think You?
—Widow.
July Eighth
Drying a widow’s tears is an expensive luxury.
—Dorothy Dix.
July Ninth
Wake! for the Son that scatters into flight The Sighs and Tears that make you such a fright, Drives them along, away, forever, and Knocks Your Widow’s mourning Higher than a Kite!
—Widow.
July Tenth
Love makes time pass and time makes love pass.
—Proverb.
July Eleventh
Divorce is necessary in advanced civilization.
—Montesquieu.
July Twelfth
Woman, by nature, is a thing of change.
—Petrarch.
July Thirteenth
They can show no mercy to the widow.
—Barnich.
July Fourteenth
God has to me sufficiently been kind, To take my husband, and leave me here behind.
—Anonymous.
July Fifteenth
Whoso has married once and seeks a second wedding, is a shipwrecked man who sails twice through a difficult gulf.
—Greek Epigramme.
July Sixteenth
A mistress I’ve lost, it is true; But one comfort attends the disaster: That had she my mistress remained, I could not have called myself master.
—Epigrammes Old and New.
July Seventeenth
He that marries a widow and three children marries four thieves.
—Spanish Proverb.
July Eighteenth
Said Jan, twice wedded to a scolding wife, “Church-going’s the greatest pleasure of my life; ’Tis strange and sweet to see a man, oh, rare! Keep full five hundred women quiet there.”
—Dutch Epigramme.
July Nineteenth
The greatest merit of some men is their wife.
—Poincelot.
July Twentieth
There was a time when the ideal condition coveted by women who craved unlimited freedom, was that of a widow with one child.
—Edward Stanton Martin.
July Twenty-first
Let no Mandalay in his effort to seize The Widows Three, or just one if he please, There are others, I know, quite Simla to these, And the diff’rence not one man in Seven Seas.
—Widow.
July Twenty-second
Two consorts in heaven are not two, but one angel.
—Swedenborg.
July Twenty-third
“Please take the medicine, wife, and I’ll be hanged if it doesn’t cure you.”
“Oh, I’LL take it, then, for it is sure to do good one way or another.”
July Twenty-fourth
Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.
—Colton.
July Twenty-fifth
“It is never too late to wed.”
July Twenty-sixth
The cause of his death was a complication of diseases, madam.
Widow—Ah! that was so like him! He was always versatile in everything.
—The Wasp.
July Twenty-seventh
“You say Grace married into the smart set?”
“Gracious, no; she was divorced into it.”
—Baltimore Herald.
July Twenty-eighth
A young widow has established a pistol gallery. Her qualifications as a teacher of the art of dueling are of course undoubted. Has she not killed her man?
—Louisville Journal.
July Twenty-ninth
“I have here one divorce notice and one marriage announcement,” said the editor’s assistant. “What caption shall I put on them?”
“Run them together and head them “Breaks and Couplings,” replied the railway editor.
—Exchange.
July Thirtieth
But when he called on Sally Brown To see how she got on, He found she’d got another Ben Whose Christian name was John.
—Thomas Hood.
July Thirty-first
Widowhood grows yearly less necessary.
—Edward Stanton Martin.
August First
The giddy widow is an ever-present danger.
—Dorothy Dix.
August Second
“Some men are awfully unfortunate. You remember Smith, whose wife died last year?”
“Yes.”
“Well, he’s got married again.”
—The Wasp.
August Third
A daughter of Eve—for such was the widow Wadman—had better be fifty leagues off than make a man the object of her attentions when the house and all the furniture are her own.
—Sterne.
August Fourth
What is a first love worth, except To prepare for a second? What does a second love bring? Only regret for the first.
—John Hay.
August Fifth
If once I loved him? Dear, I cannot say; All things have changed to me since he was here; I thought to die when first he went away, And now I name his name without a tear.
—Anonymous.
August Sixth
Is it dyin’ ye’re shpakin’ of? What would I do, An unmarried widda in mournin’ for you?
—David L. Proudfit.
August Seventh
It is better to have courage than a wife. A man can’t have both.
—Life.
August Eighth
The widow knows man as merely a fallible human institution and she works him for all that he is worth.
—Dorothy Dix.
August Ninth
The instances that second marriage move Are base respects of thrift and not of love.
—Shakespeare.
August Tenth
Faith, I thought him dead, not he! There he loves with ten-fold glee; And now this moment with his wings, I feel him tickling my heart-strings.
—Cupid Swallowed.
August Eleventh
Court in haste but marry at leisure.
—Widow’s Maxim.
August Twelfth
As you may find, whene’er you like to find her, One man alone at first her heart can move; She then prefers him in the plural number, Not finding that the additions much encumber.
—Byron.
August Thirteenth
Mrs. Morris—“Since I have been married I have had only one wish ungratified.”
Mr. Morris—“And what is that, dear?”
Mrs. Morris—“That I were single again.”
—Life.
August Fourteenth
The pure one loved him to the day he died, But when he died, his dearest friend she wed.
—James B. Bensal.
August Fifteenth
“There never was a nicer woman as a widder, than that ’ere second wentur o’ mine,—a sweet cretur she was, Sammy; and all I can say on her now, is, that as she was such an uncommon pleasant widder, it’s a great pity she ever changed her condition.”
—Dickens.
August Sixteenth
Alas! you see of how slight metal widows’ vows are made.
—Chapman.
August Seventeenth
It tells me how short lived widows’ tears are, that their weeping is in truth but laughing under a mask, that they mourn in their gowns and laugh in their sleeves.
—Chapman.
August Eighteenth
But few men who have gone out to console widows have returned unscathed.
—Dorothy Dix.
August Nineteenth
“Maids are either harmless, or will become so, but with a widow the sting is never gone.”
August Twentieth
The widow about to remarry is the most unselfish of mortals. She seldom thinks of number one.
—Life.
August Twenty-first
The head and the heart in the game of love Must each play a separate part; But we’ll pardon a girl with a cold in her head, If she’ll only be warm in the heart.
—Life.
August Twenty-second
“Do you think old maids live longer than widows?”
Old maid—“It seems longer.”
August Twenty-third
That’s what a man wants in a wife, mostly: he wants to make sure o’ one fool as ’ll tell him he’s wise.
—George Eliot.
August Twenty-fourth
Husbands are in heaven whose wives chide them not.
—Proverb.
August Twenty-fifth
“No man is a romantic hero to a widow.”
August Twenty-sixth
The chain of wedlock is so heavy that it takes two to carry it—sometimes three.
—Alex. Dumas.
August Twenty-seventh
“And how long have you been a widow?”
“Oh, the year was up yesterday; but indeed you must give me at least a month to get ready.”
When he got outside again, he murmured, “Now I know what old Weller meant.”
—The Wasp.
August Twenty-eighth
It is mere folly for a man to underestimate the danger he runs from a widow.
—Dorothy Dix.
August Twenty-ninth
Are you not ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course?
—Shakespeare.
August Thirtieth
Cupid has no trouble keeping Lent; For since with flame his year is spent, He must have lots of ashes.
—Puck.
August Thirty-first
After such years of dissension and strife, Some wonder that Peter should weep for his wife; But his tears on her grave are nothing surprising, He’s laying her dust, for fear of its rising.
—Hood.
September First
Was never widow had so dear a loss!
—Shakespeare.
September Second
For she saith in her heart, I sit a queen, and am no widow and shall see no sorrow.
—Rev. xviii:7.
September Third
“And so you are married—joined for life?”
“Oh, it’s hardly that bad!”
—Judge.
September Fourth
Parke—“Wiggson married a widow, didn’t he?”
Lane—“Yes.”
Parke—“I wonder how he likes her former husband?”
—Puck.
September Fifth
She had tasted the sweets of wedded life, but somehow single blessedness, decked in the latest modes of widow’s weeds, offered her a more alluring programme.
—Malcolm C. Salomon.
September Sixth
The dearest object to a married man should be his wife; but it is not infrequently her clothes.
—Danbury News Man.
September Seventh
A little widow is a dangerous thing; but is there not always a fascination in dangerous things?
—Malcolm C. Salomon.
September Eighth
Being a widow, rightly understood, gives a woman many privileges that no other woman possesses.
—Dorothy Dix.
September Ninth
It does not matter whom you marry, for you will find next morning you have married some one else.
—S. Rogers.
September Tenth
Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing.
—Proverbs.
September Eleventh
A young man in the West has written home: “Send me a wig.” And his fond parents don’t know whether he is scalped or married.
—Danbury News Man.
September Twelfth
Heaven preserve you ever from that dull blessing, an obedient husband.
—John Tobin.
September Thirteenth
“By George! if I were in your place I would apply for a divorce.”
“I’d like to, but she won’t let me.”
—Indianapolis Journal.
September Fourteenth
George Washington was rejected by at least one young lady and finally had to marry a mere widow.
—Judge.
September Fifteenth
Divorce Lawyer—“What’s the cause, madam?”
Client—“I have been married two years.”
—Puck.
September Sixteenth
One husband on earth is worth two underground.
—Widow.
September Seventeenth
A woman enjoys two days of happiness on earth: when she takes a husband and when she buries him.
—Anonymous.
September Eighteenth
“Widows are witches, don’t you think?”
September Nineteenth
Widow Black—“Whad meks you fink he’s gwine to propose at last?”
Widow Grey—“Kase I kin tell from his hungry looks and his seediness dat he cain’t suppo’t hisself much longer.”
—Harper’s Bazar.
September Twentieth
Many overhasty widows cut their years of mourning very short and within a few weeks make post-speed to a second marriage.
—Fuller.
September Twenty-first
Handsome widows, after a twelvemonth, enjoy a latitude and longitude without limit.
—Balzac.
September Twenty-second
Marriage: an institution where one person undertakes to provide happiness for two.
—Mme. Roland.
September Twenty-third
It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
—Beaconsfield.
September Twenty-fourth
If a widower buys a new tie and it is of a bright color, his daughters begin to grow suspicious.
—Atchison Globe.
September Twenty-fifth
“All the world loves a widow.”
September Twenty-sixth
“Do you think that was a fortunate marriage?” asked the minister’s wife.
“Oh, yes, very!” replied the reverend gentleman; “I needed the money.”
—Yonkers Statesman.
September Twenty-seventh
Mrs. Black—“They say he’s dreadfully henpecked.”
Mrs. Dash—“Henpecked! why the man does not even dare to get a divorce.”
—Harper’s Bazar.
September Twenty-eighth
A woman keeps her first love long if she happens not to take a second.
—Rochefoucauld.
September Twenty-ninth
“Yes, sir, it’s a fact: that married men live longer than single ones.”
“And do you know the reason, sir? The miserable wretches don’t dare die.”
—Harper’s Bazar.
September Thirtieth
First Soubrette—“What is the cause of the divorce?”
Second Soubrette—“Both intend to star next season.”
—Exchange.
October First
Maude—“Is she married?”
Mabel—“No, unmarried for the fourth time.”
—Harper’s Bazar.
October Second
Now, if you must marry, take care she is old; A troop-sergeant’s widow’s the nicest, I’m told; For beauty won’t help if your rations is cold, Nor love ain’t enough for a soldier.
—Kipling.
October Third
Your spouse, who husbands dear hath buried seven, Stands a bad chance to make the number even.
—Martial.
October Fourth
Marriage is a lottery; every wife does not become a widow.
—I. Zangwill.
October Fifth
Bachelors are providential beings; God created them for the consolation of widows.
—J. de Finod.
October Sixth
A man without a wife is but half a man.
—Benjamin Franklin.
October Seventh
No wise man ever married; but for a fool it is the most ambrosial of all possible future states.
—Byron.
October Eighth
Now a little widow is perilously fascinating; her very littleness constitutes an element of danger, since it coaxingly compels sympathy.
—Malcolm C. Salomon.
October Ninth
“Sacred to the memory of my dearly beloved wife, Mary. Ditto Jane.”
—Epitaph.
October Tenth
It is but a shallow philosophy that underrates the married state; and he who bids you avoid matrimony because he has tried it and failed, is a fool for his pains.
—Malcolm C. Salomon.
October Eleventh
We would the widow wed; she’s old, say I, But if she older were, I would comply.
—Martial.
October Twelfth
To be a widow is a mournful state; Delia was wise and made one moon its date.
—Anonymous.
October Thirteenth
Your wise man will never marry his first love.
—Malcolm C. Salomon.
October Fourteenth
From your breast you may pluck His dart, if you will, But the place where it struck Will be sensitive still.
—Life.
October Fifteenth
Star—“I have had my diamonds stolen three times and been married four. Now what else can I do?”
Manager—“You might take lessons in acting.”
—Puck.
October Sixteenth
“A widow and her money are soon married.”
October Seventeenth
Widows differ; maids are all alike.
October Eighteenth
The law allows one husband to one wife, But wives will seldom brook the straightened life; They must have two; besides her Jack, each Jill, In spite of law and gospel, weds her will.
—Exchange.
October Nineteenth
When one sympathizes with a widow, when one says, “Poor little woman”—one is lost.
—Malcolm C. Salomon.
October Twentieth
She was so pious during Lent, I thought it best to shun her, So she’d have leisure to repent; But in the forty days so spent, My rival wooed and won her.
—Life.
October Twenty-first
“Needs must when the widow drives.”
October Twenty-second
“Are you going to sue him for breach of promise?”
“No. Dick always signed his letters ‘without recourse.’”
—Life.
October Twenty-third
Man flattering man not always can prevail, But woman flattering man can never fail.
—Marriott.
October Twenty-fourth
A place under government was all that Paddy wanted; He married soon a scolding wife, and his wish was granted.
—Anonymous.
October Twenty-fifth
Why should she be condemned to wear moral sackcloth and ashes all her life because she is a widow and does not choose to marry again?
—Malcolm C. Salomon.
October Twenty-sixth
Though marriage by some folks be reckoned a curse, Three wives did I marry, for better or worse; The first for her person, the next for her purse, The third for a warming pan, doctor and nurse.
—Thomas Bastard, of Oxford.
October Twenty-seventh
If you’d be married, first grow young, Wear a mask and hold your tongue.
—Proverb.
October Twenty-eighth
And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house.
—I Tim. v:13.
October Twenty-ninth
There is a great charm in loving a woman who is versed in the lore of love and who is practiced in all the sleight-of-heart tricks of it.
—Malcolm C. Salomon.
October Thirtieth
And there came a certain poor widow and she threw in two mites, which make a farthing.
—Mark xii:42.
October Thirty-first
And not only idle, but tattlers also, and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.
—I Tim. v:13.
November First
If a man do not erect in this age his own tomb ere he dies, he shall live no longer in monument than the bell rings and the widow weeps.
—Shakespeare.
November Second
Raillery! Raillery! madam, we’ve no animosity. We hit off a little wit now and then, but no animosity.
—Congreve.
November Third
Not whom you marry, but how much you marry, is the real question.
—Whipple.
November Fourth
“They tell me, Daniel, you’ve had four wives.”
Daniel (proudly)—“Ess, zur, I ’ave—and what’s more, two of ’em was good ’uns!”
—San Francisco News Letter.
November Fifth
The little widow is experienced, accessible and free, and withal fatally fascinating.
—Malcolm C. Salomon.
November Sixth
“Haven’t you lost your wife?” inquired the gravestone agent.
“Why, yes, I have,” said the man, “but no gravestone ain’t necessary; you see the cussed critter ain’t dead. She’s scooted with another man.” The agent retired.
—Danbury News Man.
November Seventh
Give unto mine hand, which am a widow, the power that I have conceived.
—Judith ix:9.
November Eighth
He (desperately in love)—“Don’t you think two can live as cheaply as one?”
Widow (reflectingly)—“Ya-as; but I’d rather be the one.”
—Puck.
November Ninth
Let us oppress the poor righteous man, let us not spare the widow.
—Wisdom of Solomon ii:10.
November Tenth
Do not the tears run down the widow’s cheeks, and is not her cry against him that causeth them to fall?
—Ecclesiasticus xxxv:15.
November Eleventh
She is a dead shot with Cupid’s arrow, and never misses her mark.
—Malcolm C. Salomon.
November Twelfth
She was a woman without a past.
Who?
Eve.
—Life.
November Thirteenth
A little widow may be a dangerous thing, but the danger is harmless.
—Malcolm C. Salomon.
November Fourteenth