CHAPTER XIII

WHEEZES AND GAGS

The social side of music-hall life--The Vaudeville Club--A telephone wheeze--The swanking “pro.” and his mythical salary --About “tops” and “bottoms”--Ring up “625 Chiswick”--“Big Fred” and Fred Lindrum--A queer billiard match--An unexpected _dénouement_--Roberts and the Australian billiard marker--I make of myself a human telescope--Growing to order--Willard the original “man who grew”--Puzzling a Scotland Yard “’tec” --My most wonderful fall--I make a “hit” in a double sense --A Wigan wheeze--The performer who got too much “bird”--A blood-thirsty barber--My worst insult 183