Chapter 9

Lucifer had barely pronounced their sentence—that they should be driven to the great glacier in the land of eternal ice, a doom that set their teeth a-gnashing, even before they saw their prison, when suddenly, hell again most marvellously resounded with the crash of terrible bolts, with loud-rolling thunder, and with every noise of war. Lucifer loured and grew pale; in a moment, there flew in a wry-footed imp, panting and trembling. “What is the matter?” cried Lucifer. “A matter fraught with the greatest peril for you since hell is hell,” said the dwarf, “all the ends of the kingdom of darkness have risen up against you and against each other, especially those between whom there was longstanding enmity, who are already locked together fang to fang, so that it is impossible to pull them apart. Soldiers have attacked the doctors for taking away their trade of slaughter; a myriad userers have fallen upon the lawyers, for claiming a share in the business of robbery; the busybodies and the swindlers are tearing the gentlemen, limb-meal, for unnecessary swearing and cursing, whereby they gained their living. Harlots and their minions, and a million other old friends and former comrades have fallen out with one another irreconcilably. But worst of all is the fray raging between the misers and their own offspring, for wasting the goods and money which, the old pinchfists aver, ‘cost us much pain on earth, and here endless anguish.’ Their sons, on the other hand, cursing and rending them outrageously, call for eternal ruin upon their heads for leaving overmuch wealth to madden them with pride and riotous living, when a little, under the blessing of heaven, would have rendered them happy in both worlds.” “Enough, enough,” cried Lucifer, “there is more need of arms than words. Return, sirrah, and play the spy in every watch to find the where and why of this great negligence, for there’s some treachery in the air we wot not of as yet.” The imp departed at his bidding, and in the meantime Lucifer and his compeers arose in terror and exceeding fear, and ordered the levying of the bravest armies of the black angels; and having disposed them, he himself started foremost to quell the rebellion, his chieftains and their hosts going other ways. The royal army, like shafts of lightning across the hideous gloom, advanced (and we in their rear); ere long the uproar falls upon their ears; a fiendish bellower cries, “Silence, in the King’s name!” to no purpose, it would be an easier task to hale apart old beavers than one of these. But when Lucifer’s veterans dashed into their midst, the growls, and blows, and battering lessened. “Silence in Lucifer’s name!” roared the devil a second time. “What is this,” demanded the King, “and who are these?” “Nothing, sire, but that in the general confusion, the drovers came across the cuckolds, and set a-butting to prove whose horns were the harder; it might have turned out seriously, had not your horned giants joined in the affray.” “Well,” said Lucifer, “since ye are all so ready with your arms, come with me to trounce the other rebels.” But when the rumour reached these that Lucifer was approaching with three horned armies, everyone made for his lair.

So he marched on across the desolate plains unresisted, and seeking in vain the cause of the revolt. After a while, however, one of the King’s spies returns, quite out of breath: “Most noble, Lucifer! Moloch, your prince, hath subdued part of the North, and hath cut thousands to pieces upon the glaciers, but there are three or four dangerous evils still threatening you.” “Whom meanest thou?” asked Lucifer. “The Slanderer, the Busybody, and the Lawmonger, have broken out of their prisons and got free.” “No wonder then,” said the Evil One, “if further troubles arise.” Then there comes another spy from the South, informing that matters would soon reach a dire pass in that quarter if the three who had already thrown the West into utter confusion be not taken, namely, the Huntress, the Rogue and the Swaggerer. “Since the day I tempted Adam from his garden,” said Satan, who stood next but one to Lucifer, “I have never seen so many evils of his race at liberty together. The Huntress, the Swaggerer, the Rogue, on the one hand, and on the other, the Slanderer, the Lawmonger and the Busybody—a mixture would make devils reach.” “Little wonder, verily,” said Lucifer, “that they were so much hated by all on earth, seeing that they are capable of causing such trouble to us here.” Not long after, the Huntress comes to meet the King upon the way. “Ho! grandam o’ the breeches,” cries a shrill-voiced demon, “good night to you.” “Thy grandam on which side, prithee?” said she, displeased because he did not “madam” her. “You are a fine king, Lucifer, to keep such impudent rascals about you; a thousand pities that such a vast realm should be under so impotent a ruler; would that I might be made its regent.” Then comes the Swaggerer, nodding in the dark—“Your humble servant, sir,” saith he to one, over his shoulder; “Are you quite well?” to another; “Can I be of any service to you?” addressing a third, with a leering smirk, and to the Huntress: “Your beauty quite fascinates me, madam.” “Oh oh,” cried she, “away with the hell-hound;” and all join in the shout: “Away with this new tormentor, hell on hell that he is!” “Let both be bound together hand and foot,” commanded Lucifer. Soon after the Lawmonger comes on the scene between two devils. “Ho, ho, thou angel of peace,” exclaimed Lucifer, “hast thou come? Keep him safe, guards, at your peril!” Before we had gone far, the Rogue and the Slanderer appeared, chained between forty devils, and whispering to one another. “Most noble Lucifer,” began the Rogue, “I am very sorry there is so much disturbance in your kingdom; but if I may be heard, I will teach you a better method. Under the pretence of holding a Parliament, you can cite all the damned into the burning Evildom, and then bid the devils hurl them headlong to bottomless perdition, and lock them up in its vortex, to trouble you no more.” “But the Common Meddler is still missing,” said Lucifer, frowning most darkly at the Rogue. When we reached once more the entrance of the infernal court, who should come straight to meet the King but the Busybody. “Ah, your majesty, I have a word with you.” “And I have one or two with you, peradventure,” said the Evil One. “I have been over the half of Hell,” said he, “to see how your affairs went. You have many officers in the East who are remiss, and take their ease instead of attending to the torturing of their prisoners and to their safe keeping; it was this that gave rise to the great rebellion. And moreover many of your fiends, and of the lost whom you sent to the world to tempt men, have not returned, although their time is up, and others have come, but hide rather than give an account of their doings.”

Then commanded Lucifer his herald to summon a second Parliament, and in the twinkling of an eye all the potentates and their officers were again in attendance at their infernal _Eisteddfod_. The first thing done was to change the officers, and to order a place to be made round the mouth of the pit for the Swaggerer and the Huntress, linked face to face, and for the other rebels, bound topsy-turvy together; and a law was published that whosoever of the demons or of the damned thenceforth transgressed his duty should be thrown into their midst till doomsday. At these words all the fiends and even Lucifer himself trembled and were sore perturbed. Then next came the trial of the devils and the lost who had been sent to earth to find “associates and co-partners of their loss;” the devils gave a clear account, but the statement of the damned was so hazy and uncertain, that they were driven to the ever-burning school, and there scourged with fiery, knotted serpents to teach them their task the better. “Here’s a wench that’s pretty enough when dressed up,” said an imp, “she was sent up into the world to gain you new subjects; and whom should she first tempt but a weary ploughman, homeward wending his way, late from his toils, who, instead of succumbing to her wiles, went on his knees praying to be saved from the devil and his angels.” “Ho there!” cried Lucifer, “throw her to that worthless losel who long ago loved Einion ab Gwalchmai of Mona.” {102} “Stay, stay,” pleaded the fair one, “this is but my first offence; there is yet scarcely a year since the day when all was over with me, when I was condemned to your cursed state, Oh king of woes!” “No, there is not yet three weeks,” said the demon that had brought her there. “How therefore,” said she, “would you have me be as skilled as those lost beings who have been here three or four centuries hunting their prey? If you desire better service at my hands, let me go free into the world once more to roam about uncensured; and if I bring you not twenty adulterers for every year I am out, mete me what punishment you list.” Nevertheless the verdict went against her, and she was doomed to live a hundred long years under chastisement, that she might be more careful a second time. Presently, another devil entered, pushing to the front a man. “Here is a fine messenger,” he said, “who wandering the other night in his old neighbourhood above, saw a thief stealing a stallion, but could not help him even to catch the foal without showing himself; and the thief, when he saw him, abandoned that career for ever.” “Begging the court’s pardon,” said the man, “if the thief’s child was endowed with power from above to see me, could I help that? Moreover, this is only a single case; ’t is not a hundred years since that day which put an end to all my hopes for ever, and how many of my own family and of my neighbours have I enticed here after me in that time? Perdition hold me, if I am not as dutiful to my trade as the best of you, but the wisest is sometimes at fault.” Then said Lucifer: “Throw him into the school of the fairies, who are still under castigation for their mischievous tricks in days gone by, when they were wont to strangle and threaten their neighbours, and so awaken them from their torpor; for their fear probably had more influence upon them than forty sermons.”

Then came four constables, an accuser, and fifteen of the damned, dragging forward two devils. “Lest you lay the blame of every wrongful service upon the children of Adam,” said the accuser, “here are two of your old angels who misspent their time above as much as the two who were last before the court. Here is a rogue quite as worthless as that one at Shrewsbury the other day, when the Interlude of _Doctor Faustus_ was being played, amidst all manner of most wanton and lascivious revelries, and where many things were going on conducive to the welfare of your realm; when they were busiest, the devil himself appeared to play his part, and so drove all away from pleasure to prayers. Even so this one, in his wanderings over the world: he heard some people talk of walking round the church {104} to see their sweethearts, and what should the fool do but show himself to the simpletons in his own natural form, and though their fright was great they recovered their senses, and made a vow to leave that vanity for ever; whereas had he only assumed the form of some vile jades, they would have held themselves bound to accept those; and so the foul fiend might have been master of the household with both parties, since he himself had mated them. And here is another, who went, last Twelfth Night, to visit two Welsh lasses who were turning their shifts, and instead of enticing them to wantonness in the form of a fair youth, to one he took a bier, to make her thoughts more serious; to the other, he went with the tumult of war in a hellish whirlwind, to make her madder than before; and this was quite needless. Nor was this all; for after he had entered the maiden, and had thrown her about, and sorely tormented her, some of our learned enemies were sent for to pray for her and to cast him out, and instead of tempting her to despair and endeavouring to win over the preachers, he began to preach to them, and to disclose the mysteries of your kingdom, thus aiding their salvation instead of hindering it.” At the word “salvation” I saw some leaping up, a living fire of rage. “Every tale is fair till the other side be told,” quoth the devil, “I hope Lucifer will not allow one of the earth-born race of Adam to contend with me, who am an angel of far superior kind and stock.” “His punishment is certain,” said Lucifer, “but do thou, sirrah, give clear and ready answer to these charges; or by hopeless Hell I will—.” “I have led hither,” said he, “many a soul since Satan was in the Garden of Eden, and I ought to understand my business, better than this upstart accuser.” “Blood of infernal firebrands,” cried Lucifer, “did I not bid thee answer clearly and readily?” “By your leave,” said the demon, “I have preached a hundred times, and have denounced many of the various ways that lead to your confines, and yet at the same breath, have quietly brought them hither safe and sound by some other delusive path, just as I did while preaching recently in the German States, in one of the Faro Isles, and in several other places. In this manner, through my preaching have many Papist beliefs, and old traditions come first into the world, and all in the guise of goodness. For who ever would swallow a baitless hook? Who ever gained credence for a tale which had not some truth mingled with the false, or some little good overshadowing the bad? So, if whilst preaching I can instil one counsel of mine own among a hundred that are good and true, by means of that one, through heedlessness or superstition, will more weal betide your kingdom than woe through all the others ever.” “Well,” said Lucifer, “since thou canst do so much good in the pulpit, I bid thee dwell seven years in the mouth of a barndoor preacher who always utter what first comes to his mind; there thou wilt have an opportunity of putting in a word now and then to thine own purpose.”

There were many more devils and damned darting to and fro like lightning about the awful throne, to count and to receive offices. But suddenly without any warning there came a command for all the messengers and prisoners to depart from the court, each one to his den, leaving the King and his chief counsellors alone together. “Is it not better for us also to depart, lest they find us?” I asked my friend. “Thou needest have no fear,” answered the angel, “no unclean spirit can ever pierce this veil.” Wherefore we remained there invisible, to see the issue.

Then Lucifer began graciously to address his peers thus:—“Ye mightiest spirits of evil, ye archfiends of hellish guile, the utmost of your malicious wiles am I now constrained to demand. All here know that Britain and its adjacent isles is the realm most dangerous to my state, and fullest of mine enemies; and what is a hundredfold worse, there reigns now a queen most dangerous of all, who has never once inclined hither, nor along the old way of Rome on the one hand nor yet along the way of Geneva on the other: to think what great good the Pope has for a long time done us there and Oliver even to this day! What therefore shall we do? I fear me we shall entirely lose our ancient possession of that mart unless we instantly set-to to pave a new way for them to travel over, for they know too well all the old roads that lead hitherwards. Since this invincible hand shortens my chain, and prevents me from going myself to the earth, your advice I pray. Whom shall I appoint my viceroy to oppose yon hateful queen, Our Enemy’s vicegerent?”

“Oh! thou great Emperor of Darkness,” said Cerberus, {106} the demon of tobacco, “’tis I that supply the third of that country’s maintenance, I shall go, and I will despatch you a hundred thousand of your foemen’s souls through a pipe stem.” “In sooth,” said Lucifer, “thou hast done me some good service, what with causing the slaughter of the owners in India and poisoning those that indulge in it, through the saliva, sending many to wander with it idly from house to house, others to steal in order to obtain it, and millions to grow that fond of it that they cannot spend a single day without it, and be in their right mind. For all this, go and do thy best, but thou art nought to our present purpose.”

Whereupon Cerberus sat down; then rose Mammon, the devil of money, and with surly skulking mien began: “’T was I who pointed out the first mine whence money was to be obtained, and ever since I am praised and worshipped more than God, and men lay their pain and peril, all their mind, their affection and their trust upon me, yea, there is no man content, but all crave more of my favor; the more they obtain, the further still are they from rest, until at last, while seeking ease, they come to this region of everlasting woes. How many a crafty old miser have I enticed hither over paths that were harder to traverse than those that lead to the realm of bliss? Whenever a fair was held, a market, assize or election, or any other concourse, who had more subjects than I or greater power and authority? Cursing, swearing, fighting, litigation, falsehood and deceit, beating, clawing, murdering and robbing one another, Sabbath-breaking, perjury, cruelty, and what black mark besides, which stamps men as of Lucifer’s fold, that I have not had a hand in placing? For which reason have I been called ‘the root of all evil.’ Wherefore, an it please your majesty, I will go.”

He ceased. Then Apolyon uprose and spoke: “I know of nought more certain to lead them hither than what brought you here, {107} and that is Pride; once it plants its straight stake in them and puffs them up, there is no need to fear that they will condescend to bear the cross or go through the narrow gate. I will go with your daughter Pride, and before they can realise where they are, I will drive the Welsh hither headlong while admiring the pomp of the English, and the English while imitating the vivacity of the French.”

After him arose Asmodai, the devil of lust: “’T is not unknown to you, mightiest King of the deep, nor to you, princes of the land of despair, how many of the gulfs of hell have I filled through voluptuousness and lewdness. What of the time I kindled such a flame of lust over all the world that the deluge had needs be sent to clear the earth of men, and to sweep them all into our unquenchable fire? What of Sodoma and Gomorrah, fine and fair cities, which I so consumed with licentiousness that a hell-shower blazed in their infernal lusts and beat them down here alive, to burn for ages on ages. And what of the great hosts of the Assyrians, who were all slain in one night on my account? I disappointed Sarah of seven husbands’ {108} and Solomon and many a thousand other kings did I bring to shame through women. Wherefore let me and this sweet sin go, and I will kindle the hellish spark so generally that it will at length become one with this inextinguishable flame, for scarce one will ever return from following me to walk in the paths of life.” At that he sat down.

Then Belphegor, chief of sloth and idleness, stood up and spake thus: “I am the great prince of listlessness and sloth, who have great influence upon millions of all sorts and conditions of men; I am that stagnant pond where the spawn of every evil is bred, where the dregs of every corruption and baleful slime grows rank. What good wouldst thou be, Asmodai, or ye, chief damned evils, were I not? I, who keep the windows open and unguarded that ye may enter into the man when ye will, through his eyes, his ears and his mouth. I will go and roll them all over the precipice unto you in their sleep.”

Then Satan, the devil of delusion, who was on Lucifer’s left hand, arose, and turning his grim visage to the king, began: “It is unnecessary for me to recount my deeds to thee, Oh lost Archangel, or to you, swarthy princes of Destruction: for ’twas I who dealt the first blow to man, and mighty was that blow, to be the cause of death from the beginning of the world to its end. Is it likely that I, who erst ravaged all the earth, could not now give advice that would serve one little isle? Could not I, who deceived Eve in Paradise, overcome Anne in Britain? If inborn craft and continuous experience for five thousand years profit aught, my advice is that you adorn your daughter Hypocrisy to deceive Britain and its queen: you have no other as serviceable as she; her sway extends more widely than that of all the rest of your daughters, and her subjects are more numerous. Was it not through her that I beguiled the first woman? And ever since she has remained on earth and waxed very great therein, so that by now the world is hardly anything but one mass of hypocrisy. And were it not for the craftiness of Hypocrisy how could anyone of us do business in any part of the world? For what man would ever have aught to do with sin, did he once behold it in its true color and under its own proper name? He would sooner clasp a devil in his own infernal shape and garb. If it were not that Hypocrisy can disguise the name and nature of every evil under the semblance of some good, and give a bad name to every goodness, no man at all would put forth his hand to do evil or would lust after it. Walk through the entire city of Destruction and ye will perceive her greatness in every quarter. Go to the street of Pride and ask for an arrogant man or for a penny-worth of affectation mixed through pride: ‘Woe is me,’ exclaims Hypocrisy, ‘there is no such thing here,’ no, nor for a devil, anything else in the whole street save proud demeanour. Or walk into the street of Lucre and enquire for the miser’s house: pshaw, there is no one of the kind therein; or for the dwelling of the murderer among the doctors, or for the abode of highwaymen amongst the drovers; thou wouldst sooner be thrown to prison for asking than that one should confess to his own name. Yea, Hypocrisy crawls in between a man and his own heart, and so skilfully does she hide every wrong under the name and guise of some virtue that she has caused well nigh all to lose cognisance of their own selves. Greed she calls thrift; in her tongue riotous living is innocent joy; pride is courtesy; the froward, a clever, courageous man; the drunkard, a boon companion; and adultery is a mere freak of youth. On the other hand, if she and her scholars’ {110} are to be believed, the godly is a hypocrite or a fool; the gentle, a coward; the abstemious, a churl, and so for every other quality. Send her thither in all her adornment, and I warrant you she will deceive everyone; she will blinden the counsellors, the soldiers, and all the officers of church and state, and will draw them hither in hurrying multitudes with the varicolored mask upon their eyes.” Whereupon he too sat down.