Part 4

1.--One sharp toot from the horn on a Happy Hansom means that business men, messenger boys and other persons in a hurry must postpone indefinitely their contemplated journey across the street. Crossing the street in front of a chauffeur who has given the above signal is very bad form, and is generally productive of spinal meningitis and doctor's bills.

2.--Two sharp toots from the horn on a Vaseline Brougham is a signal to the truck drivers ahead that they must dismount at once, bow politely, and say "Gesundheit!" to the chauffeur as he passes. Truck drivers who refuse to obey this signal should be run into and injured severely.

3.--Three sharp toots from the horn on a Benzine Buggy is a signal to the policeman on the corner, who must immediately come to parade rest, doff his helmet and comment enthusiastically on the grace and general elegance of the chauffeur until the latter has disappeared in the distance. Policemen who fail to follow this rule should be arrested, tried, convicted and sent to Siberia.

4.--Four sharp toots from the horn on a Gasolene Barouche is a signal for the Fire Department to assemble immediately and remove all trees, statues and things of that sort, so that the chauffeur may take a short cut through any of the parks. Failure on the part of the firemen to obey this rule will justify the chauffeur in delaying an engine on its way to a fire by stopping in front of it long enough to get run over.

5.--Five sharp toots from the horn of a Whiz Wagon is a signal to all drivers of brewery wagons, ice wagons and mowing machines in the vicinage that they must descend at once from their various pedestals and lead their juggernautian caravans into the dry goods stores out of harm's way. If there are no dry good stores handy, a candy shop will do. No driver of a brewery wagon, ice wagon or mowing machine will be excused for breaking this rule simply because he doesn't know the meaning of vicinage.

6.--Six sharp toots from the horn of a Gas Carryall is a signal to conductors and motormen that they must, without any unnecessary delay, lift their cars from the rails and place them on the sidewalk. If the passengers in the cars so signalled offer any objections, the policemen on that beat will take the offenders to the nearest automobile garage and compel them to drink gasoline.

7.--One long and one short toot means that everybody in the neighborhood not in a Bubble must start promptly for the woods. Failure to observe this rule will justify any chauffeur in chasing the offender seventy-six consecutive miles in a southwesterly direction.

8.--Long and continued applause from the horn on any Rowdy Runabout means that the chauffeur has lost the combination on his brain cells, and is suffering severely from stage fright, superinduced by the sudden appearance of a coal cart directly in his pathway. In a predicament of this kind strict guiding rules cannot be laid down, but no blame can attach to the automobilist if he climbs over the tailboard of the vehicle and adds a new series of phrenological bumps to the suburban part of the head of the offending coal cart director.

9.--If the foregoing rules are carefully observed there is no occasion for further instructions, and automobubbling will become a thing of pleasure and a joy forever.

LITTLE BLASTS OF HOT AIR.

Life is a tragedy, and that's the best reason why it should be well acted.

What a lot of motive-power is wasted by those who jolly other people along.

A fault-finder is a home-made knocker.

Every woman jumps quickly from mice and at conclusions.

"Don't be a clam," must be wisdom on the half shell.

The man who means everything he says is generally a stingy talker.

Hot air is mighty, and will prevail in politics.

A fool and his money is the root of much laughter.

INSOMNIA.

How to Effect a Permanent and Lasting Cure.

1.--Lie perfectly still and count 287,643 in a slow, methodical manner. By the time you have finished counting it will be daylight, and you will be surprised to notice how quickly the night has passed.

2.--Always partake of a bountiful repast before retiring, giving special attention to a lobster salad, welsh rarebit and hard-boiled eggs. This will, no doubt, give you delirium tremens, night-mare, St. Vitus' dance and indigestion, but the pleasing thought will remain that you have kept the rest of the household awake as well as yourself.

3.--Always undress in the dark. When you have broken three chairs, upset the centre table and stepped on six assorted tacks, you will realize what a stupid habit sleeping is anyway, and your senses will have become so acute that you will want to sit up and read the Family Story Paper during that portion of the night which has not been devoted to swearing.

4.--Always lie with your head lower than any other point of your body and throw the pillows away. The monotony of a sleepless night will then be relieved by the novelty of having apoplexy or heart failure, either of which diseases is much more exciting and dangerous than insomnia.

5.--Always concentrate your thoughts and endeavor to breathe pronouncedly and with exaggeration, like a freight engine climbing a grade. This is calculated to frighten the rest of the family into convulsions and stampede all the cattle in the neighborhood, but you will be enabled to while the remaining hours of the night away by listening to the terse remarks hurled at you from time to time by the other members of the household.

6.--Always sponge your face with boiling water several times before retiring. If you keep this up long enough it will be breakfast time, and you may then go about your daily labor with the happy consciousness that you have saved the bed clothes a great deal of wear and tear.

7.--Always take a brisk, long walk before retiring, taking particular care to come home late and allow the watch dog to mistake you for a tramp and chase you hurriedly into the next country side. It is also calculated to withdraw the blood from the brain and put wings on your feet. A brisk run of sixteen miles across country as the crow flies with an angry bulldog pushing you pretty hard for first place, is a pleasant diversion in a sleepless night.

8.--Be phlegmatic and indifferent in a marked degree. If you hear thieves in the chicken coop during the night, don't move a muscle; if you smell smoke and know the house is on fire, lie perfectly still and count imaginary sheep jumping over an imaginary fence; if you feel the folding bed closing up let it close and go on with your counting; if you know that burglars are in the room pay no attention to them and let them burgle--you have business of your own to attend to. A man with a thoroughly developed case of insomnia has no time for such trifling details.

WISDOM IS AS WISDOM DOES.

All is not cold that shivers.

Success never shakes hands with a lazy man.

An American husband in the hand is worth two foreign Dukes in the divorce court.

The most successful politician is the one who knows how to finance his brains.

Before marriage a woman is an angel; after marriage she is still an angel, but her husband is now from Missouri, and she has to show him.

If it were impossible to speak anything but truth in this world how many times a day would we be insulted.

WHIST.

Being a Few Hints How to Play the Game.

Whist is a well known game with cards. It requires close attention and silence. Some people learn to play whist in fifteen minutes, but their partners generally wear a worried look. There are other people who never learn to play the game, but, unfortunately for humanity, they never fully realize this fact. Their partners soon discover it, however, but politeness forbids them making the discovery known to the wide, wide world.

The following series of "Don'ts" may help you to understand some of the intricacies of the delightful game of whist. If they do not help you the only thing to do is to try pinochle:--

Don't get up and dance a serpentine dance every time you take a trick. It is in very bad taste, unless you are a good dancer, and even then your opponents may feel deeply chagrined.

Don't smile sweetly your partner and inform him in a few well-chosen words that you have seven trumps in your hand. Your opponents may hear you, and scowl darkly at you.

Don't fail to call the attention of your opponent to the fact that he or she hasn't followed suit, being very careful to select a loud and resonant tone of voice for the occasion. This compels your opponent to look carefully through his or her cards and fervently wish that you had sense enough to mind your own business.

Don't ask what's trumps more than eighteen times during one hand. The limit used to be twenty-six times, but the best authorities on whist now say eighteen.

Don't have a conniption fit every time you lose a trick. Conniption fits are very bad form, and they delay the game.

Don't get excited and climb up on the table when the game is close. It shows a want of refinement and breeding to climb up on the table, especially if you are in a strange house.

Don't whistle softly while waiting for somebody to play. Whistling is not in good taste. Go and perform on the piano. It has a much better effect, particularly if your selection is something lively, like "El Capitan" or "The Maiden's Prayer."

Don't talk politics while playing whist. Either whist or politics will suffer if you do. Statisticians claim that 34,647,932 times out of 34,647,933 it is whist that suffers.

Don't, when drawing a trick towards you, pause in the act to smile disdainfully upon your opponents. They may not admire a spectacular arrangement of your features, and if they happen to be in a bad humor your facial expression may be ruined for life.

Don't labor under the erroneous impression that your opponents have no right to trump your ace if they can. Neither is it considered elegant or refined to hit them carelessly across the forehead with the bric-a-brac for so doing.

Don't make an earnest endeavor to split the table asunder when playing a winning card. People may think you are eccentric if you try to make kindling wood of the table every time you lay down an honor.

Don't lead the three of clubs in mistake for the ace of trumps, and then get mad and jump seventeen feet in the air because you are not permitted to pull it back. It isn't good form to jump seventeen feet in the air. Besides, you might fall and hurt yourself and the neighborhood.

Don't hesitate to inquire what was led when there is but one card on the table. It shows that you are taking a deep interest in the game, and it makes the other players admire your elocutionary powers.

Don't fail to dispute the count after every hand has been played. It draws attention to the fact that you are anxious to win. It also draws uncomplimentary remarks from your opponents and sometimes occasions the use of a club.

Don't fall off the chair in horrified dismay when your opponent puts your ace to sleep with a little trump. Trumps were invented for that purpose, and horrified dismay is not becoming to every style of beauty.

A FEW HARMLESS GERMS.

How the rest of the world does hate the people who have a good time.

A Miss is as good as a mile of Misses--if you love the girl.

The horseshoe is always lucky--when the horse wins.

A hard worker will never be arrested for killing time.

One half the world doesn't know why the other half doesn't get off the earth.

Be good and you'll be happy, but you won't get your name in the papers so often.

BASEBALL.

Being a Guide for the Grouchy Grandstandee.

These "do nots" have been arranged, compiled and hammered together with a view to rendering assistance to the spectator whose thinking machinery climbs out over his collar, and who shows symptoms of being dazed and disorderly during the progress of a game.

Don't have any regard for the feelings of your neighbors. Get up on the slightest provocation and yell. To make matters more exciting you had better get up on the back of the seat also.

Don't stop to make a careful selection of the English language before addressing the universe at large when the play is not to your liking. Say the first thing that comes into your mind. Doubtless, it will be glad to get out.

Don't pay any attention to the fact that ladies are in the immediate neighborhood. Your money is just as good as theirs. Besides, it's a man's privilege to swear and make a howling idiot of himself.

Don't fail to keep up a running comment on the general inefficiency of the visiting club. The majority of those who sit near you came out to the game especially to hear your views on this subject.

Don't neglect to call him a fat-headed renegade every time one of the home players makes an error. The home players need to be reproved at times, and nothing is quite so reproving as the term fat-headed renegade hurled at them by a bibulous gentleman with a subterbeerean voice.

Don't hesitate to tell all who are listening--and, if your voice is as convalescent as usual, everybody in your section of the Western Hemisphere will have to listen--that you know more about the game than Pop Anson and Pop Anson's younger brother, Methuselah. Under certain circumstances modesty is a crime; therefore, you should not commit a crime by withholding this information.

Don't forget the umpire. Don't forget him for one little moment. He will notice it if you do, and become miserably unhappy. Tell him what you think of him unceasingly. There is nothing so pleasing to an umpire's ears as the sweet strains of a whiskey-trimmed voice ringing softly on the evening air: "Hey, red-light, youse is a robber an' a thief!" Umpires love to be criticised in this manner. With every criticism they brace up wonderfully, and their straying sense of justice returns. You've noticed this fact, of course.

Don't hesitate to insult a player on the field. Remember, it is very hard for him to pick you out of the crowd. Besides, if he does, and jumps over the rail for the purpose of putting his imprint on your slats, you can scream for help. The police will probably wake up and come to your assistance.

Don't forget to use the most blood-curdling and decorative style of language now on the market when you engage in the pleasing duty of hurting a player's feelings. This will attract attention to you from all quarters, and will stamp you as a gentleman of the aber-nit style of architecture.

Don't pay any attention to the uneasiness displayed by those about you who came out for the selfish purpose of enjoying the game. If they cannot enjoy you and your lung-power exhibit, they should stay at home. Keep right on utilizing your vocal chords. Chatter on incessantly. Be a consistent ass until the last man is out and the umpire crawls into his cyclone cellar. Then go home and bathe what's left of your voice in witch hazel, and get ready for the morrow.

BURSTS OF CONFIDENCE.

A trouble-hunter always makes a success of his job.

The girl who hesitates is left at the hitching post.

The world has a poor memory for many who believe themselves famous.

The wise man saves up for a rainy day, and always stays in the house when it storms.

It keeps many a good man down to keep up appearances.

Some men are like a phonograph--they talk when you start them, but they have no originality.

THE POOR MAN'S COOK BOOK.

(Presented by the President of the Food Trust.)

This Cook Book was invented by the President of the Food Trust with the hope that the poor man will find therein much to comfort him since meat and other luxuries have gone out of his life, because the Trust needs the money.

The beauty about the dishes mentioned here is their cheapness. Let us begin with the soup:

MOCK CHICKEN SOUP.--Take a piece of white paper and a lead pencil and draw from memory the outlines of a hen. Then carefully remove the feathers. Pour one gallon of boiling water into a saucepan and sprinkle a pinch of salt on the hen's tail. Now let it simper. If the soup has a blonde appearance stir it with a lead pencil which will make it more of a brunette. Let it boil two hours. Then coax the hen away from the saucepan and serve the soup hot, with a glass of ice-water on the side.

BEEF TEA.--Take the white of an egg and beat it without mercy. When it is insensible put it in the teapot and add enough boiling water to drown it. Let it drown about twenty minutes. Then lead the yolk of the egg over to the teapot and push it in. Season with a small pinch of tobasco and let it simper. Serve hot and always be sure to put a piece of lemon in the finger bowl.

MOCK BEEFSTEAK.--Carefully remove the laces from one shoe and put them away, because they can be used for shoe-string potatoes just as soon as the Potato Trust gets started. Beat the shoe with a hammer for ten minutes until its tongue stops wagging and it gets black and blue in the face. Then put it in the frying pan and stir gently. When it begins to sizzle add the yolk of an egg and season with parsley. Imitation parsley can be made from green wall paper with the scissors. If there is no green wall paper in the house speak to the landlord about it. Let it simper. In two hours try it with a fork. If it breaks the fork it is not done. Let it simper. Should you wish to smother it with onions, now is your chance, because after cooking so long it is almost helpless. Serve hot with a hatchet on the side. If there are more than four people in the family use both shoes.

IRISH STEW.--Remove the jacket and waistcoat from a potato and put it in a saucepan. Add three quarts of boiling water. Get a map of Ireland and hang it on the wall directly in front of the saucepan. This will furnish the local color for the stew. Let it boil two hours. When the potato begins to moult it is a sign the stew is getting done. Walk easy so as not to frighten it. Add a pinch of rhubarb and serve hot with lettuce dressing. This is one of the best stews without meat that the Food Trust has ever invented for the poor man.

MOCK PORK PIE.--Peel the bark carefully away from the hindquarters of a spruce tree and remove the tenderloin. One of last year's Christmas trees is excellent for the purpose. Chop it up fine and place in a saucepan. Add boiling water and let it simper two hours. Season with a pinch of salt, and if this is not satisfactory, you might also pinch a little pepper. Put the bark in the coffee grinder and turn the handle rapidly to the left. Add boiling water and serve with milk and sugar. This will be a splendid joke on the Coffee Trust. The mock pork pie is now done. Serve with lionaise dressing and tomato catsup. After dinner eat four pepsin tablets and send for the doctor.

IMITATION APPLE FRITTERS.--First catch your fritter. Be sure that it is a young fritter. The way to tell the age of a fritter is to count its teeth. Remove the shell and add a pitcher of apple sauce. Place this in a saucepan and tease it with a pinch of baking soda. Let it simper two hours. Serve hot and smile rapidly while eating. Laughter always aids digestion.

OX-TAIL CHOW CHOW.--To make ox-tail chow chow without an ox is one of the best jokes in the world on the appetite. Remove the pin-feathers from a young onion and chop it up fine, add water, stir gently and add more water. Let it sizzle. Add more water. Always boil the water before adding. Let it sizzle. Now remove the skum and serve hot with watercresses on the side. This is a nice dish for a small family and at the same time it shows what a generous nature the Food Trust has to suggest it.

MOCK GIBLETS.--Take two rubber-neck clams and after stuffing them with chestnuts fry them over a slow fire. The Coal Trust will see to it that you have no trouble in getting a slow but expensive fire. Let them sizzle. Now remove the necks from the clams and add baking soda. Let them sizzle. Take the juice of a lemon and scatter it at the clams. Serve hot, with pink finger bowls with your initials on them. Some people prefer to have their initials on the clams, but such an idea is only for the wealthy.

IMITATION PRUNE PIE.--Take a dozen knot-holes and peel them carefully. Remove the shells and add a cup of sugar. Stir quickly and put in a hot oven. Bake gently for six hours and then add a little Jamaica ginger. Serve cold with tea wafers and talk fast while eating them.

BREAKFAST BACON.--Take a hat full of pine shavings and remove the interior. Add a little sherry wine and sweeten to taste. Let them sizzle. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and other cosmetics and let them sizzle. Now turn them over with a spoon and serve them hot off the griddle.

SARATOGA CHIPS.--The same as the breakfast bacon only you don't remove the interior from the pine shavings. Just take them as Nature made them and add a little salad oil. Serve cold with shredded onions on the side.

MOCK BAKED BEANS.--Take as many buttons as the family can afford and remove the thread. Add pure spring water, put in a saucepan and stir gently until you burst your buttons. Add a little flour to calm them and let them sizzle. Serve with tomato catsup or molasses, according to the location you find yourself living on the map.

OATMEAL PUDDING.--Take the sawdust carefully from a freshly caught board and remove the husks. Add water and let it sizzle. Stir gently two hours, then rest a while. Pour the contents into a saucepan and saturate it with sugar and salt and other spices. Serve without splashing it, and add a little cold water painted white to look like milk. This last idea is a splendid joke on the Milk Trust.

HAMBURGER STEAK.--Always be sure to get a fresh Hamburger. There is nothing that will reconcile a man to a vegetarian diet so quickly as an over-ripe Hamburger. They should always be picked at the full of the moon. To tell the age of a Hamburger look at its teeth. One row of teeth for every year, and the limit is seven rows. Now remove the wishbone and slice carefully. Add Wooster sauce and let it sizzle. Add a pinch of potato salad and stir gently. Serve hot and eat fast with the eyes closed tight.

APPLE DUMPLINGS.--Take a large sheet of blotting paper and remove the ink. Ink is a non-conductor and discolors the palate. Borrow an apple from the grocer and tie it up in the blotting paper. The blotting paper will absorb the flavor from the apple in about three minutes. Now take the apple back to the grocer and say, "Much obliged, thank you!" Cut the blotting paper into thin slices and add water. Stir gently until it boils over then unhook it. Serve hot and if your husband kicks say to him bitterly: "You should have married an heiress with a Papa in the Food Trust then you could afford to have real apples!"

IMITATION ROAST TURKEY.--Find a copy of a Thanksgiving Day newspaper and select therefrom the fattest turkey on page 3. Now with a few kind words coax the turkey away from the newspaper in the direction of the kitchen. Care should be taken that the turkey does not escape in the butler's pantry or fly up the dumb waiter, because the turkey is a very nervous animal. Once you get the turkey in the kitchen lock the door and prepare the stuffing. The best stuffing for a turkey is chestnuts, which you can obtain by tearing a few pages from "The Life and Anecdotes of an After Dinner Speaker." Now remove the wishbone carelessly and make a wish. Then coax the turkey over to the gas stove and push it in. Let it sizzle for four hours and serve hot by a Russian waiter and with Japanese napkins.

MOCK CELERY.--Take an old whiskbroom and remove the handle. If the handle is made of wood keep it, because it can be turned into breakfast food the first time you see a sawmill. Now remove the wire from the whiskbroom and sprinkle with baking soda. Serve cold with a pinch of salt on the northwestern end.