Part 3

OSLERIZE. To pour chloroform over an old man's breakfast food and telephone for the undertaker.

OSLERITIS. An attack of hysteria which broke out at a banquet and became epidemic in the newspapers.

OSLEROOZA. A man who believes in _Oslerism_. He is generally a young man in love with a girl whose Papa is over forty and who wears No. 11 shoes of a high voltage.

OSLERETTA. A young woman who believes in _Oslerism_. She is the same girl whose Papa has just been mentioned.

Perseverance is the root of all money.

Perhaps you have met the man who is so wrapped up in himself that he thinks he is a warm baby.

Pleasure travels with a brass band, but Trouble sneaks in on rubber shoes.

Philosophers do not believe half the things they tell themselves.

* * * * *

### P: The sixteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally in pickled peppers. ###

* * * * *

PAINT. A polite name for balloon juice. See the bartender.

PALPITATION OF THE TONGUE. A disease that affects many women.

PATRIOT. A man who spends all his money for fireworks for the little boy and doesn't hold out $2 for the doctor's bill.

PATHOS. A poor man laughing at his rich wife's poor joke.

PEACH. A bit of domestic fruit, consisting of blonde tresses, a dimple, and three bows of pink ribbon.

PEEKABOO. A summer idea invented for the purpose of making a girl's shirtwaist something like a barb-wire fence with a full view of the scenery. It is constructed by making one stitch and forgetting seven. The Peekaboo is the only friend the mosquito has on earth.

PENITENTIARY. An assembly hall which always plays to a full house because whiskey is it's advance agent.

PHILOSOPHER. A man who can size himself up and forget the result.

PLAN. Something which any fool can lay, but it takes patience like a hen to hatch it.

PLEASURE. Fun you have to-day so you can worry over it to-morrow.

POETICAL LICENSE. A woman who weighs 275 pounds and listens to the name of Birdie.

POLITICS. The place where a man gets it--sometimes in the neck, sometimes in the bank.

POLITICIAN. The reason we have so much politics.

POPULARITY. The cold storage house where the world sends her favorites before she forgets them.

POSTERITY. A lot of people who will forget all about you before they are born.

PRACTICAL JOKE. When Nature makes a pink lobster look like a man.

PREDICTION. A bit of funny business invented by the Weather Man for the purpose of playing tiddledewinks with the weather. He says what he thinks it will be and then the weather is what it pleases.

PROMISE. What a man says to a woman or a child to keep them quiet.

PRUDE. A female lady who wishes someone will say something so she can blush to listen and listen to blush.

Quitters cannot be trained to quit quitting.

Queer, isn't it, that the lazier a man gets the more he wants to work somebody else.

Quotation marks cover a multitude of plagiarists.

Qualmless consciences are fashionable nowadays.

* * * * *

### Q: The seventeenth and the most hunted letter in the alphabet, because it is always followed by u. ###

* * * * *

QUACK. A doctor who ducks the law.

QUARREL. Something that shouldn't be picked before it's ripe.

QUART. The amount of wine a sport always wants to open.

QUIRE. A bunch of singers in a church. Sometimes called _Choir_, sometimes called down. See Scrap, fight, jealousy.

QUIVER. To shake for the drinks.

QUITTER. A man who stops before he gets started.

Remember--you can fool some of the people all the time if you care to spend your money that way.

Reasons may be found for everything except why does a woman get off a street car backwards.

Race suicide doesn't appeal to poor people.

Rolling stones gather no moss but look at the excitement they have.

* * * * *

### R: The eighteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally to began a college yell; thus, Rah! Rah! Rah! ###

* * * * *

RAG. A material invented for chewing purposes.

RAKE. A man-about-town after he gets shop worn.

RARE. The way you get roast beef when you order it well done.

REFORM. A bird which is always flying towards us but which never gets here.

RETRIBUTION. A man who marries for money and finds it is all in Confederate bills.

RICHES. Something which is said to have wings, but I can't prove it, because they never flew my way.

ROYSTERER. A man who sowed so much wild oats in his youth that he has to eat cracked oats in his age.

RACE-SUICIDE. A disease which was cured by T. Roosevelt, Esquire, when he invented an idea for the purpose of giving nursemaids steady employment. For instance:

Rondeau.

There was a nice old lady and She lived within her shoe; She had so many children that She didn't know what to do. She wrote the President and said "I have twenty kids or more!" The President replied to her "Encore, old girl, encore!" She answered, "I've no room at home For more, so I am through!" And he replied, "Why don't you go And get another shoe?"

--Sir Walter Scott, page 96.

RIDDLE. A question-mark gone mad. A foolish member of the Interrogation family whose most fiendish offspring is "How old is Ann?" Some examples:

* * * * *

Ann's father sends his pitcher to the well; Mary's father sends his pitcher to the saloon; how much money has Ann's father saved?

Ann's mother has just finished reading a very beautiful story. Mary's mother sent over and borrowed the book. How old will Ann's mother be when the book gets back?

Ann's little brother is entertaining Ann's sweetheart in the parlor. Ann's little brother has just told Ann's sweetheart how old Ann is. How long did Ann's sweetheart remain after he learned the bitter truth?

Ann has a brother by the name of James. James wrote two letters, one to his wife and one to his lady typewriter. Ten minutes after mailing them he discovered that the right letter was in the wrong envelope. Which train did James take and when does Ann expect him back?

Ann took a dollar bill and went to a department store. She saved twenty cents for car fare and spent eighty cents for lunch. What were the clerks swearing at after Ann went out?

Ann had dark hair but she put peroxide on it to frighten it lighter. Ann's hair became angry at the peroxide and got up and left her head. Why does Ann converse with callers through the speaking tube?

Ann's friend Mary has seven brothers. One of them paints sawdust in a delicatessen factory at twelve dollars per. The other six play the races. What time does the dinner bell ring and who squares it with the grocer?

Ann has another friend by the name of Ellen. Ellen's father has one sitting room and four daughters. The four daughters are engaged to four nice young gentlemen. At what time in the evening does papa and mamma crawl out of the dumb waiter and how much is the gas bill?

Ann rode home in the Elevated Rough House at the twilight hour. Eighty-seven gentlemen were there hiding behind eighty-seven newspapers. Ann joined a strap and swung to and fro. How old was Ann when she received a seat?

Some people's talk is too cheap at any price.

Some men are just like a mule, because they kick at the wrong time.

Some people save up their money for a rainy day and finally decide that a foggy day is a good enough excuse to spend it.

Scandal is the black sheep in the family of Love.

* * * * *

### S: The nineteenth letter of the alphabet, which is called a sibilant, because it makes a hissing sound like a goose. ###

* * * * *

SALOON. Something which can be opened on credit, but it takes cash to start a church.

SARCASM. A thirty-dollar Panama hat on a thirty-cent man.

SATAN. An accommodating chap who picks out cosey-corners in his hot-house for the men that brag about being such devils among the women.

SCEPTIC. A man who will stop to see if there is a microbe in a kiss.

SEASHORE. A violent disease which breaks out all over people when the weather gets warm. The cure costs anywhere from $2 to $15 per day, according to the mood the landlord is in.

SINCERITY. What our friends think about us when our backs are turned.

SPECULATION. Paying a nickle for a seat in a street-car and then waiting till you get it.

STUBBORNNESS. A man who knows he is wrong but believes he is right for personal reasons.

SUCKERS. The bait used by those who go fishing for compliments.

SUCCESS. Failure kicked to pieces by hard work. A man who can make enough noise when he wins out to drown the voices of the knockers. Something which can be caught if a man only runs long enough.

SWIFTNESS. The manner in which a fool and his rich wife's money are parted.

SYNONYM. A lazy man trying to win success and a hen trying to lay a corner-stone.

SEAT. A mythical place in a street car where many are called but few are chosen. For instance:

Little Jack Horner Sat in a corner Riding down town on the "L." He jumped to his feet Gave a lady his seat-- I'm a liar, but don't it sound well.

--Oliver Goldsmith, page 34.

SARDINE-CAR. A term of endearment given to crowded street cars.

* * * * *

Marcus Aurelius thus describes the sardine-car in his "Meditations"--see page 946--as follows:

The sardine-cars consist of fifty people trying to squeeze into a space that was built only for a Pajama hat and two newspapers.

The seats in the sardine-cars run sideways; the passengers run edgeways, and the life insurance agents run any old way when they see these cars coming.

The sardine-car is the best genteel imitation of a rough-house that has ever been invented.

The are called "Sardine Cars" because the conductor has to let the passengers out with a can-opener.

Brave and strong men climb into a street car and they are full of health and life and vigor, but a few blocks up the road they fall out backwards and inquire feebly for a sanitarium.

To ride on the street cars in a big city of an evening brings out all that is in a man, including a lot of loud words he didn't know he had.

The last census shows us that the street cars in the city of New York have more ways of producing nervous prostration and palpitation of the brain to the square inch than the combined population of Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Tinkersdam and Gotterdammerung.

To get in some of the street cars about six o'clock is a problem, and to get out again is an assassination.

One evening I rode from Forty-second Street to Fifty-ninth without once touching the floor with my feet.

Part of the time I used the outposts of a stout gentleman to come between me and the ground, and during the rest of the occasion I hung on to a strap and swung out wild and free, like the Japanese flag on a windy day.

Some of our street cars lead a double life, because they are used all winter to act the part of a refrigerator.

It is a cold day when we cannot find it colder in the street cars.

In Germany we find Germans in the cars, but in America we find germs.

That is because this country is young and impulsive.

The germs in the street cars are extremely sociable and will often follow a stranger all the way home.

Often while riding in the street cars I have felt a germ rubbing against my ankle like a kitten, but being a gentleman, I did not reach down and kick it away because the law says we must not be disrespectful to the dumb brutes of the field.

Many of our street cars are made out of the same idea as a can of condensed milk.

The only difference is that the street cars have a sour taste like a lemon squeezer.

When you get out you cannot get in and when you get in you cannot get out because you hate to disturb the strange gentleman that is using your knee to lean over.

Between the seats there is a space of two feet, but in that space you will always find four feet and their owners, unless one of them happens to have a wooden leg. Under ordinary circumstances four into two won't go, but the sardine-cars defy the laws of gravitation.

A sardine-car conductor can put twenty-six into nine and still have four to carry.

The idea of expansion which is now used by our Congress was suggested by one of these sardine-cars.

The ladies of America have started a rebellion against the sardine-cars, but every time they start it the conductor pulls the bell and leaves the rebellious standing on the corner.

We are a very nervous and careless people in America. To prove how careless we are I will cite the fact that Manhattan Island is called after a cocktail.

This nervousness is our undoing because we are always in such a hurry to get somewhere that we would rather take the first car and get squeezed into breathlessness than wait for the next which would likely squeeze us into insensibility.

Breathlessness can be cured, but insensibility is dangerous without an alarm clock.

For a man with a small dining-room the sardine-car has its advantages, but when a stout man rides in them he finds himself supporting a lot of strangers he never met before.

One morning I jumped on one of those sardine-cars feeling just like a two-year-old, full of health and happiness.

During the first seven blocks three men fresh from a distillery grew up in front of me and removed the scenery.

One of them had to get out in a hurry so he kicked me on the shins to show how sorry he was to leave me.

One of the other two must have been in the distillery a long time because pretty soon he neglected to use his memory and sat down in my lap.

When I remonstrated with him he replied that this is a free country and if he wished to sit down I had no business to stop him.

Then his friend pulled us apart and I resumed the use of my lap.

During the next twenty blocks I had one of the worst daylight nightmares I ever rode behind.

The party which had been studying the exhibits in the distillery got the idea in his head that my foot was the loud pedal on a piano and he started to play the overture from _William Tell_ until I yelled "W'at'ell!"

That man was such a hard drinker that he gave me the gout just from standing on my feet.

Then I jumped off and swore off and swore at and walked home.

If the man who invented the idea of standing up between the seats in a sardine-car is alive he should have a monument.

My idea would be to catch him alive and place the monument on him and have the conductor come around every ten minutes for his fare.

Then the punishment would have a fit like the crime.

The man with plenty of money has friends to burn and when he goes broke he finds he has burned most of them.

The sky always looks blue when we look at it through a roll of bills.

The mud slinger never has clean hands.

The way of the transgressor is hard on his family.

* * * * *

### T: The twentieth letter of the alphabet, so called because the author of the alphabet always drank coffee. ###

* * * * *

TABLE. A wooden arrangement covered with green cloth around which certain parties gather for the purpose of taking each other's money. See _gambling_. You might, incidentally, see the police if they don't see you first.

TACT. The art of knowing just when to laugh at a rich man's joke.

TALENT. The ability to know how to keep still at the right moment.

TEMPER. Something you should keep, otherwise the man you show it to may hand it back to you with a short-arm jab.

TEMPTATION. The banana peel in a man's brain that causes him to slip.

THE LAUGH. Something which should always be on the other fellow.

TO-MORROW. The only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man.

THERMOMETER. A machine invented by a drugstore proprietor for the purpose of driving humanity to drink.

TROUBLE. The only thing which a man borrows and wants to pay back in a hurry. The place where a man finds his head when he loses it.

TROUBLE HUNTER. A man who always comes home with a game-bag full.

TRUTH. The kind words our enemies say about us. Something which never figures in politics because it forgets to register.

Undoubtedly the man that burns the candle at both ends is light-headed.

Usually you'll find that self-made men spend the rest of their lives talking about home industry.

Uneasy looks the face that wears a frown.

Unfortunately, many a Prince of Good Fellows loses his title when his pocketbook runs dry.

* * * * *

### U: The twenty-first letter of the alphabet, about which there is some scandal because it is always tagging after Q. ###

* * * * *

UMPIRE. A guessing machine used and abused in and about a baseball game.

UNHAPPY. The man who knows it all with nobody to tell it to.

UNSELFISHNESS. To be able to read of a neighbor's success without reaching for the harpoon. A man who will give his last cigar to a stranger and then go home and kick his wife on the shins because she spent forty cents for baby's new shoes.

UNDERTAKER. A man who gets the laugh on those who take life as a joke.

Vanity is the raw material from which hot air is manufactured.

Victors get the spoils, but the spoils generally spoil the victors.

Very true is it that the man without ideas always expresses them.

Valuable time is often wasted by men of little value.

* * * * *

### V: The twenty-second letter of the alphabet, used as a pet name for a five-dollar bill. ###

* * * * *

VACATION. The time of the year which a young man looks forward to with his hand on his heart; goes through with his hand on his pocketbook, and looks back on with both hands on his head and no skin on his nose.

VACANT. The top story of a snob.

VANITY. The name of the machinery that makes our swelled heads.

VERSATILITY. The ability of a woman to wear a tight shoe and a loose smile at the same time.

VICE VERSA. To sleep with one's head at the foot of the bed and one's feet at the head of the bed. See _Jag_ and _Soused_.

VIRTUE. Its own reward, but many people don't care to handle such a small amount.

VULGARIANS. People who go through the world like a lot of automobiles, with rubberneck tires and gasoline in their garrets, and noise, noise, noise.

When a man is his own worst enemy the fight is always to a finish.

Whiskey is the name of the photographer that can make a high-priced man look like 30 cents.

When a man sits around waiting for something to turn up Fortune always turns him down.

When a man is anxious to keep your secret keep him anxious.

* * * * *

### W: The twenty-third letter of the alphabet, which wasn't treated very well in the matter of a name. ###

* * * * *

WAD. A roll of bills with a rubber band around it. This is a wonderful weapon in the hands of a steady spender.

WAR. An excuse for talking about the dove of peace.

WEALTH. To have money enough to support an automobile that goes the pace that kills.

WEATHER MAN. A machine disguised as a human being who tries to play tiddlewinks with the weather. He tells the weather what to do, and the weather does as it pleases. A machine which says, "Cooler to-morrow, with westerly winds," but means something different. The idea comes from the Latin words "_Guessa Gain_," which mean, "I am paid to tell the truth, but I don't need the money."

WHISKEY. Old Mother Misery's dare-devil son.

WORRY. A lot of unwelcome thoughts which refuse to remain unthinkable.

Xperience is the name of the concern which opened the first night school.

Xplanations quite often are old-fashioned lies disguised in good fashion.

Xpostulation often leads to the ambulance.

Xperience teaches some people to go and do the same fool thing over again.

* * * * *

### X: The twenty-fourth letter of the alphabet. It was so late getting in that very few words are fastened to it. ###

* * * * *

X. That ten dollars you loaned some time ago.

XTRACTOR. The fellow you loaned it to.

XCITEMENT. What happened when you tried to get it back.

X-RAYS. A machine you'll have to use to find your X.

You shouldn't look a gift automobile in the price tag.

Yea, verily, a first-class listener is a woman's best friend.

Yes, and if it were not for the fools in this world the poor would never get rich.

You may take my word for it, that whatever a man hopes to be he will be, unless he gets on the wrong car.

* * * * *

### Y: The twenty-fifth letter of the alphabet, which is of a bibulous nature because it's always in rye. (Mercy!) ###

* * * * *

YAP. The real thing on the farm, but an awful thing on Broadway.

YACHT. A device which eats up money and yells for more.

YOKE. The way a Swede says joke.

YESTERDAY. The day upon which our ship should have arrived.

Zum men fall in love and get out of it by marrying the girl.

Zum men tell themselves a lie just to fool their conscience.

Zumhow or other a ticklish situation never gets a laugh from the parties concerned.

Zum say that money isn't everything in this world, but it takes a man with money to believe it.

* * * * *

### Z: The twenty-sixth and last letter of the alphabet, and I'm glad of it. ###

* * * * *

ZEAL. The ardor with which we manage other people's affairs.

ZEBRA. An animal used principally to illustrate the letter Z.

ZERO. The place where the cold waves come from.

ZIP. The same as _Zow_.

ZOW. The same as _Zip_.

ZOO. A garden scented by wild animals.

ZABO. A contraction of Gonzabo, which means a Fiff.

APPENDIX.

(This part of the book may be cut out.)

AUTOMOBILES.

A Few Rules of the Road Which, It Is Hoped, Will Speedily Be Adopted By All Automobile Societies.

The automobile is the rich man's liquor and the poor man's chaser.

It keeps our streets full of red, white and blue streaks all the livelong day, and if the weary pedestrian is not supplied with a ball-bearing neck his chance of getting home is null and void.

Probably the safest part about the machinery of an automobile is the _Chauffeur_, because he knows which way to jump out.

_Chauffeur_ is the name of the man who points the machine at you and dares you to get out of the way.

We have no word in the English language brave enough to ride on a horseless wagon when it goes real fast.

That is why we had to reach over to Paris and pull a word out of the French.

_Chauffeur_ was the first word we grabbed, and I think we should give it back at the first opportunity.

The first Careless Cart we had in this country was called the "Coroner's Delight," because it lived up to its name.

Consequently it became necessary that a set of road rules should be composed which would help the general public to die easier when automobo-annihilated.

Here are the rules: