Part 2

ELOCUTION. A disease which breaks out among students, but which is fatal only to the spectators.

EMPLOYER. A man who has a soft spot for a hard worker.

ENVY. The root of much criticism.

ECONOMY. A system practiced by some men which permits their wives to wear last year's dresses so that they can buy better cigars.

EXPERIENCE. The best of all teachers, because it's impossible for the scholar to run away from school.

Fine feathers make fine birds take to the woods.

Failures made by other people pave the road to your Success.

Fortune wears rubber shoes and a feather pillow on each hand when she knocks on your door.

Fair play is a jewel, but so many people can't afford jewelry.

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### F: The sixth letter of the alphabet. It is formed by the passage of the breath between the lower lip and the upper incisive teeth, but that doesn't seem to worry it any. ###

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FABLE. The story a man thinks his wife believes--and she lets him think it.

FAD. See hobby.

FADE. To gradually disappear. For example: "I had ten plunks when I went out last night, but they faded away." (Lord Palmerston, page 21.)

FAKE. Something we buy to make sure it isn't on the level.

FAITH. Something which is said to move mountains, but the railroad contractors always mix in a little dynamite to help matters along.

FAULT. Something which is so easy to find, but it is so hard to give it when we find it.

FAMILY. The only cure for race suicide.

FAVOR. Something we do for a friend so he can forget about it.

FLATTERER. A man who makes friends until he begins to talk about himself.

FORGER. A man who tries to make a name for himself, but who picks out the wrong name.

FRIEND. A man who knows you are a liar, but hopes otherwise.

FRIENDSHIP. The name of the handle some people put on other people for the purpose of using them.

FOOTBALL. A system of manslaughter very fashionable with boys. From the Latin words "footibus," meaning "_put the boots to him_," and "balloona," meaning "up in the air, or, who hit me with a public building?" A body of college students surrounded by ambulances. For instance:

Sing a song of football Pockets full of salve; Four and twenty legs all Punctured at the calve. Captain in the hospital Fullback in the soup, Twenty-seven faces Broken in the group. Sophomores and Freshmen Punched around the ring; When the war was over The boys began to sing!

Raw! Raw! Raw! Raw! Raw! Raw! Stew them! Fry them! Raw! Raw! Raw! Oysters!

Great oaths from little aching corns do grow.

Great minds run in the same channel--especially if they are sea captains.

Gold is a dull metal, but it can cut friendship quicker than a knife.

Good names are better than great riches and that is why so many of us have names without price.

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### G: The seventh letter of the alphabet. Used by the ancients as an expression of surprise, thus: Hully Gee! ###

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GAB. The product of a ball-bearing chin.

GAG. A joke rendered insensible by a third-rail comedian.

GAS. A substance we make light of until the bill comes in. _"You may hide your light under a bushel, but you'll get a bill from the gas company just the same_." (Shakespeare, page 9.)

GAS BILL. Something that comes in to put us out.

GAS METER. A bit of machinery invented by Ananias in order to please Saphira and keep the household supplied with lies while the old man was down in the grocery store.

GET-RICH-QUICK. An aquarium for suckers. A place where poor people go to get poorer.

GEE-GEE. A horse by any other name will run as fast.

GENIAL. A guy that never was known to buy.

GENIUS. Something we have in _our_ family--if you don't believe me, come and hear our little boy recite.

GENT. Two-thirds of a gentleman.

GENTLEMAN. A title which many a man claims because the public hasn't time to prove him otherwise.

GERM. See _microbes_. In order to see microbes you'll have to get a magnifying glass.

GOSH. A Yankee synonym for dad bust it! See _dag my buttons!_ See any Reub.

GOSSIP. Something which a woman hears with one ear and tells with both. A woman who can put two and two together and make five.

GOOD TIME. About $9 worth of headache next morning and eighteen cents in small change left in the pocket.

GOURMAND. A man who delights to make his stomach feel like a department store.

GRAND OPERA. A disease which breaks out in society every winter and can be cured only by inward applications of a seat in a box and outward applications of diamonds on the chest.

* * * * *

Bjingle Bjangle, the celebrated Norwegian _raconteur_, thus describes in his book of travels a visit to the grand opera in New York, as follows:--

I went to the opera last night and enjoyed it unspeakably.

I noticed that most of the ladies in the boxes enjoyed it also, but not unspeakably.

The ladies, Heaven bless them! seemed to be suffering from that operatic disease which is called nervous conversation.

This is a disease which attacks the vocal chords just as soon as the curtain rises and causes the voice to fall out.

I also enjoyed the names of the singers.

Some of the names on the programme looked like a round robin sent out by a Turnverein bowling club, but I suppose if they were baked in the oven until translated they would mean something soft and soothing like a custard pudding.

Why is it that foreign singers and singerettes always have a name which listens like a cuckoo clock with a sore throat.

Perhaps if we knew how to unlock them these names would mean just plain Schmidt or Jones.

There was one singer on the programme that had the most extravagant name I ever witnessed.

If you read it off quick it sounded like the finish of the six-day bicycle race at the Madison Square Garden.

Then if you looked at it sideways it seemed to be the report of a skirmish between the Russians and the Japs.

I think that fellow just waded into the alphabet with a dip net and all the letters he caught he kept.

I liked the plot of the Opera.

She was a blonde lady with one of those _embonpoint_ faces which must cost a good deal to keep in repair.

The hero was a young gentleman with a sweet expression and a forehead which had moved into his hair when it was very young.

I don't know which was the villain, but I have my suspicions that it was the usher who gave me a seat.

I was interpolated in between a fat man who spoke with an onion accent and a narrow-headed man who whistled softly to himself all the evening without taking 32 bars rest.

My enjoyment under these circumstances was delicious.

The story of the Opera was simple.

A lot of young ladies all ready to go in bathing changed their minds and came out on the stage.

Then a tall gentleman came out and warbled at them and the young ladies went away.

Perhaps he belonged to the crusaders on vice.

Then the lady that drew the largest salary came out and made goo-goo eyes at the tall gentleman.

He was so embarrassed that he walked right down to the footlights and took a couple of high notes.

She took the same.

Then four people came out on the stage and yelled together with so much earnestness that the women in the boxes had an attack of nervous exclamation, and the way they talked about whoever was not present was pitiful.

When you would least expect it the hero jumped on the stage and made some quick motions with his face and arms which resulted in a solo.

The story he told was simplicity itself.

Plainer than words could make it his beautifully imported voice kept saying "Aha! aha-eo! I-am-getting-one-thousand-dollars-a-night--tra-la-la- la!-aha!-aha-eo! For-doing-this,--for-doing-this-with-the-pipes-I-get-one- thousand-plunks-oh-plunks-per-night-aha!-aha-eo!"

Then the soprano responded with much emotion from the orchestra, "Ditto, ditto, ditto! me too, me too! oo-oo-me too!"

It was delicious.

But just then came the bitter moment when all my deliciousness was crushed because the narrow-headed man on my left switched softly into "Hiawatha" with a few personal additions to the coda.

So I stood up and went home.

He laughs best who laughs with a full stomach.

How many people in this world are being coaxed when it's a club they need!

Here are two things any man can find in the dark--a carpet tack and a limburger sandwich.

"Handsome is as handsome does them"--the motto of the bunco steerer.

* * * * *

### H: The eighth letter of the alphabet, which is all broken up because Englishmen have dropped it so often. (Get ap!) ###

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HA! An exclamation of surprise used in connection with other dark blue words when you step on a tack.

HA, HA! Something the world tries to give you on the slightest provocation.

HAIR. The fur that pays a temporary visit to a man's head for the purpose of falling out later on.

HARD JOB. Trying to live without working.

HARD WORK. The sugar of life, but it is surprising how many people prefer lemons.

HEALTH. The ability to eat meat for breakfast without having to rush to the drugstore.

HEAT. A scheme invented by Nature for the purpose of sending human beings to the seashore, the mountains and the hospital. It is from the Latin words "_Gee Whizzibus Aintit Fierceibus?_"--which means much or little, according to the size of the hotel you stop at.

HERO. A person whom we all delight to honor because the facts in the case prevent us from throwing the hammer at him. A man who goes into history and cannot get out again.

HIGHBALL. A drink in the hand which is worth two headache powders in the drugstore.

HOG. A man who thinks everybody should move over and give him the end seat.

HONESTY. The best policy after they catch you trying the others. The excuse that a politician always has up his sleeve.

HOPE. A firm belief in to-morrow with the ability to take gracefully a transfer to the day after to-morrow.

HORSE-SHOW. A place where the women show the horse that he has no show. Society's parade grounds, where one dress is as good as another until the price is known.

HUSBAND. A domestic animal, invented for the purpose of giving a wife something to worry about. See _Fourflush_. Also look in the discard.

HUMIDITY. Something which comes in through the window and goes out through the pores. A warm proposition any way you take it. A brother-in-law to Torture and a half-sister to Hades.

The word comes from the Swedish language, "_Sockett Toodem_," which means "_Melt, you Spitzbuben, melt!_"

HYPOCRITE. A knocker which is out of order except when your back is turned.

It is a wise son that owes his own father.

It takes a lot of money to teach a Duke how to love an American heiress.

If we could see ourselves as others see us many of us would wear a mask.

It takes three people to engineer a quarrel--two to make it and one to run for a policeman.

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### I: The ninth letter of the alphabet. Used principally by touchers in connection with O and U. Thus, I. O. U. ###

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ICE. A substance the world uses to put a damper on swelled heads.

IGNORANCE. A lack of knowledge. For instance: The man who never heard of a microbe sometimes has the colic, but he never gets appendicitis. (Milton, page 7.)

IMPOSSIBILITY. A stuttering man trying to make a bluff.

INCONGRUITY. A man who prays with such noise in Sunday School that he sprains his voice and then goes home and beats his child for talking too loud on the Sabbath day.

INDOLENT. A lazy man just before he becomes a loafer.

IRONY OF FATE. A man with an invitation to a beefsteak dinner who has to stay home because his wife has acute indigestion.

INDIAN COMMISSIONER. The gentleman who invented the idea of opening up barber shops near the Indian reservations, so that Lo could get his hair clipped by a reaping machine once every year, whether he needed it or not.

* * * * *

The idea of Marconi's wireless telegraph system pales into insignificance before the idea of coaxing a wild Indian away from the reservation and running the remorseless horse-clippers over the wild foliage to which his head has been acclimated these many years.

This is a noble suggestion, and no doubt the Indians will take kindly to the barbers and pay them much attention even if their tommyhawks and scalping knives are a little dull at first.

In the dramatic language of the plains Biff Hawkins, of Spotted Dog, Idaho, thus describes the opening of the first barber shop in the vicinity of an Indian reservation:

"Hist!"

The speaker was the bootblack in one of those handsome hand-painted barber shops which a loving government at Washington has placed at intervals along the border of the Indian Reservation.

"What is it, Mike?" said Sniffles, the barber.

"Hist!"

Again that ominous word, and Mike pointed feverishly at the distant horizon.

On it an Indian was walking, steadfastly, onward, onward, onward!

Remorseless as a gas bill the Indian came onward to the barber shop.

Sniffles, the barber, jumped quickly into his armor-plated working clothes, and Mike, with a sad smile of farewell, crawled into the cyclone cellar and closed the steel doors.

The Indian entered the barber shop.

"You are next!" said Sniffles, politely.

"I know it," said the Indian; "but I was put next only an hour ago--hence the delay. The bay rum, please!"

"You want it for the hair?" inquired the barber.

"No, I want it for a souse," said the Indian.

"Get in the chair, please!" said the barber.

"Man-Behind-The-Snip-Snap speaks foolish," said the Indian. "I am not for a hair cut; I am for that bay rum idea. Heap thirst! Don't keep me waiting!"

The barber turned pale as the awful truth flashed across him.

"What is your name?" he said painfully.

"Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo," said the Indian, sullenly.

"Nice Indian! pretty Indian! good Indian! You are not compelled to get your hair cut, you know!" said the barber, wishing to avoid bloodshed.

"Paleface give me heap pain," said Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo, fiercely.

Sniffles, the barber, trembled and believed him.

"Ugh!" said the Indian.

"Ugh!" has the same meaning in Indian as the word "Oof!" has in English.

"When I came in paleface said I was next," said Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo. "Well, I am next to this business. You have bay rum and I have a thirst--let us get together!"

"But the bay rum is used only on the outside of the head," said the barber.

"I have original ideas about bay rum," said the Indian, "therefore I have decided to use it on the inside of my neck!"

"But bay rum is five cents extra with a hair cut," whispered the barber.

It was his last whisper in that shop.

Shouting the battle cry of the Cherokees, the Indian, grabbed the bay rum bottle and poured it carefully over his thirst.

This was followed by a bottle of hair tonic, which seemed to go to his head.

Then the Indian swallowed a bottle of whisker dye and all seemed to grow black before him.

The barber groaned in agony.

It was thrilling.

When last seen the Indian was drinking a bottle of dry shampoo and foaming at the mouth, while he blessed the White Father at Washington for inventing the barber shop.

That afternoon Sniffles, the barber, and Mike, his under secretary, walked back to Washington and handed in their resignation to the Interior Department.

Jolly not that you be not jollied.

Justice is blind for the reason that some lawyers would give her a pain if she could see them.

Journeys end in porter tippings.

Just as you value yourself justly just that much are you valuable.

* * * * *

### J: The tenth letter of the alphabet, used almost exclusively to designate a Reub with rubber in the neck--whatever that may be. ###

* * * * *

JAG. See gold cure. If that hasn't any effect, see an undertaker.

JOCKEY. A hero or a slob--it all together depends on where the horse finishes.

JOKE. Something that's extremely clever--when we make it ourselves.

JOLLY. Flattery with a smile on its face.

JOLT. The thing a man gets who thinks he knows it all.

JOY. Gladness with the lid off.

JUG. A place to keep the material before it becomes a jag.

JUDGMENT. An ability which some men get credit for having when in reality they are merely lucky at guessing things.

JUSTICE. The name we give it when the verdict is the way we want it.

Kisses go by favorable circumstances.

Kidders are as happy as kids till somebody kids them.

Keep a stiff upper lip--especially when you're shaving yourself.

Knockers never have weak lungs.

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### K: The eleventh letter of the alphabet, pronounced K, as in Knuckle. ###

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KEEN. A grafter with a victim in sight.

KENO. What the grafter says when he's through with the victim.

KEEP. The motto of the Trusts.

KEY. An instrument used at 2 A.M. in connection with a door to determine whether a man is sober or not.

KEROSENE. An ambitious substance used by cooks when they want to go out through the kitchen roof.

KICKER. A man with a grouch on the inside and a voice on the outside.

KISS. A sigh set to music. The oldest monopoly in the world with the exception of John D. Rockerfeller. A kiss is the soul's cocktail. A wireless message from he to she, with a little peaches and cream on the side.

KNOCKER. A hurdle in the way of the worthy. A chin-critic. An expert with the harpoon.

Love laughs at everybody except the girl's Papa.

Laziness generally attacks every part of a man except his tongue.

Lots of men spend two dollars' worth of worry over the loss of a quarter.

Look around and you'll see that the world likes to side with the man who has the cash.

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### L: The twelfth letter of the alphabet, captured some years ago for the purpose of describing the Elevated Railroad. ###

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LABOR. Trying to get back the money you loaned.

LADY. A gentleman woman.

LAMB. A young mutton-head that goes into Wall Street.

LARK. A bird of a name given to a bird of a time.

LIGHT. An excuse used by the Gas Company to collect money.

LITERARY FAILURE. A man whose brain was unfit for publication.

LOBSTER. A shine after he gets in the swim.

LOAFER. A man who believes the world owes him a living and sends another man to collect it.

LOVE. A certain party who is supposed to be blind, but he doesn't seem to have much trouble in finding someone to lead him around.

Money cannot buy happiness, but most of us are willing to make the experiment.

Many people would take a short walk on the road to ruin if they were sure their friends wouldn't see them.

Money is the root of much friendship.

Marry in haste and repent in Dakota.

* * * * *

#### M: The thirteenth letter of the alphabet, which very few people use because thirteen is unlucky. ####

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MACARONI. An excuse for opening an Italian restaurant.

MAP. That part of the human face which is visible above the collar.

MARVEL. A man who never tells you his troubles.

MEDAL. A gold or silver dingus which you get for doing something you intended to do anyway.

MEDDLER. The fellow who butts in and says you're not entitled to a medal.

MISER. A man who has all the money he wants but wants more.

MONEY. Something which talks, but a poor man can't keep it long enough to know what it says.

MICROBE. A very small animal that devotes all its energy to moving into the system of an entire stranger. Once in it begins to do light housekeeping on the aforementioned stranger's epiglottis. (For the meaning of epiglottis consult the first doctor you meet. If he doesn't tell you he's no gentleman.)

No matter how many good things our friends say about us, we are never surprised.

Nothing is so astonishing to us as another man's success.

Needless to say, a friend in need is a friend in the soup.

Nothing ventured nothing wonderful.

* * * * *

### N: The fourteenth letter of the alphabet, sometimes called a nasal by those who ought to know better. ###

* * * * *

NABOB. A man who can put on a new suit of clothes every fifteen minutes.

NATION. A large principality ready to go to war at a moment's notice. For example: Carrie Nation.

NATURE. Something which makes no mistakes, with the exception of a crowded street car.

NECESSITY. The mother of many an empty stomach.

NECK. A place to get it in.

NEXT. The battle cry in a barber shop before blood is shed.

NIT. An abbreviation of Nix.

NIX. An abbreviation of Nit.

NOPE. An abbreviation of No!

NOISE. The sound of a new suit of clothes on a loud man.

NODDLE. The place where some people think they think.

NOVEL. A book that sells better than it reads.

Of two evils choose the one least likely to be talked about.

Oh, yes, the man with a jag can hold on to the fence, but he can't hold on to his reputation.

Opportunity is something a Fool waits for while the Wise Guy runs down the road to meet it.

Occasionally we meet men who have to part their hair in the middle in order to have a well-balanced head.

* * * * *

### O: The fifteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally by the Irish in front of their names. ###

* * * * *

OH! The mild-mannered sister of Ouch!

OATS. A substance invented by Nature and intended for a breakfast food, but because pine shavings are cheaper it is now obsolete.

OBEY. A word put in the marriage service for the purpose of giving the parties of the first part something to kick about.

OCULIST. A man many young people should consult who think they have fallen in love at first sight.

OIL. See John D. Rockerfeller--if you can.

OLD HEN. The pet name a man has for his wife because she rules the roost.

OLIVE. A green grape dropped in a cocktail so the customer can pull it out with his fingers. See _Cherry_.

ONION. A noisy vegetable eaten principally by people who sit next to us in street cars.

OPERA. A device used for the purpose of making a fortune for a good singer.

OPPORTUNITY. Something never seen until it is not there to be looked at.

ORIGINALITY. The gift some people have of saying the bright things which we intended to think about later on.

OSLER. A modern abbreviation of chloroform. An up to date bogie man invented for the purpose of chasing "has-beens" to the woods.

OSLERESQUE. The state of being ready for _Oslerizing_. See any man over forty.

OSLERISM. The art of picking out a fit subject for the _Osler_ treatment. "You can lead an old man into a drugstore but you can't make him drink chloroform." (Tupper's Proverbial Philosophy, page 19.)