Chapter 7
_HUMPHRY in new clothes, reading a newspaper.--TOUPEE shaving him._
HUMPHRY. Pray now, master barber, what does Constitution mean? I hears so many people a quarrelling about it,--I wish I cou'd get somebody to give me the exclamation of it; here it is among the news too. It's spelt C, O, N, con--S, T, I, sti--consti--T, U, tu--constitu--T, I, ti--constituti--O, N, on--con-sti-tu-ti-on,--but your city folks calls it Constitushon; they've got such a queer pronouncication.
TOUPEE. Vat you please, sare?
HUMPHRY. Yes, it pleases me well enough; I only want to know what it magnifies.
TOUPEE. Je ne vous entens pas, monsieur.
HUMPHRY. Why, what outlandish dialogue is that you're a talking? I can't understand your lingo as well as the Schoolmaster's, with his monstrous memorandums, and his ignorant mouses.
TOUPEE. You be 'quainted with monsieur de Schoolmastare, monsieur?
HUMPHRY. Yes, mounsieur; he and the consumptive old gentleman, old what's his name, was a wrangling about that confounded name that I was axing you about;--caw--con--[_Looks at the paper._] aye, Constitution.
TOUPEE. Dat Constitution is no bon;--de Schoolmastare vas strike me for dat. By gar, I get de satisfaction!
HUMPHRY. He talks as crooked as a Guinea niger. [_Aside._
TOUPEE. He vas call me--ah, le diable!--block; dis--[_Points to his head._] blockhead, oui, blockhead.
HUMPHRY. If you've got a mind, I'll lather him for you.
TOUPEE. Yes; den I vill lader you for nothing.
HUMPHRY. You lather me for nothing?--I'll lather you for less yet, you barber-looking--
TOUPEE. No, no; me lader you so. [_Lathers HUMPHRY'S face._
HUMPHRY. Oh, with soap-suds, you mean:--I ax pardon, mounsieur; I thought how you was a going for to lather me without soap-suds or razor, as the old proverb is.
TOUPEE. Dat is no possible, monsieur.
HUMPHRY. I believe not; you shou'd be shav'd as clean as a whistle, if you was; 'faith should you.
TOUPEE. Yes, I will shave you very clean;--here is de bon razor for shave de beard.
[_Draws the razor over the back of HUMPHRY'S hand, to shew him it can cut a hair._]
HUMPHRY. [_Bellowing out._] You ill-looking, lousy, beard-combing, head-shaving rascal! Did you ever know any body for to have a beard upon their hand?
TOUPEE. You be von big 'merican brute, sur mon âme!
HUMPHRY. You lie, as the saying is. What a mouth he makes whenever he goes for to talk his gibberage!--He screws it up for all the world like a pickled oyster. I must have a care I don't get some of that snuff out of his nose.
TOUPEE. You please for taste de snuff?
HUMPHRY. I don't care if I _smell_ some.
[_Takes a pinch of snuff, which makes him sneeze, while TOUPEE is shaving him; by which he gets his face cut._]
TOUPEE. Prenez garde à vous!
HUMPHRY. The devil take the snuff and you! [_Going._
TOUPEE. S'il vous plaît, monsieur, you vill please for take de--de--vat is dat--de lettre--de shallange to monsieur de Schoolmastare, for fight me?
HUMPHRY. Yes, that I will, with the most carefullest manner;--he shall have it in the greatest pleasure.
[_TOUPEE gives a paper to HUMPHRY._
TOUPEE. Dat is de bon civility,--I vill be your--a--very good friend.
HUMPHRY. Thank 'e kindly, Mounsieur. [_Exeunt, severally._