Part 1

THE NURSERYMATOGRAPH

THE NURSERYMATOGRAPH

BY A LAWYER

WITH INTERLUDICROUSNESS BY A PARSON

AND SILLYSTRATIONS BY A SERJEANT-MAJOR

LONDON: JOHN LANE, THE BODLEY HEAD NEW YORK: JOHN LANE COMPANY. MCMXXI.

PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN BY R. CLAY AND SONS, LTD., BRUNSWICK STREET, STAMFORD STREET, S.E. 1, AND BUNGAY, SUFFOLK.

DON'T USE TALLOW CANDLES

in your machine.

Pharaoh's lean kine ate the fat kine.

SPARKES' OXETYLENE KINE- matic Lantern.

SACK THE LOT!

But you must have them on the carpet first.

And you have no carpet.

So BUY a

KINE-MAT

YOUR MONEY RETURNED if we are not

SATISFIED WITH IT.

_By the same Author_

FILM-FACE. The story of a Kinematograph Actress. 1893.

ENCYCLOPÆDIA KINEMATICA. 7 vols. 1895.

TURNING THE HANDLE. Practical hints to Operators. 1899.

THE KINEMATOGRAPH FORETOLD. An exhaustive digest of all Prophetic utterances regarding the Kinematograph, from the birth of Amram to the death of Mrs. Beeton. 13 vols. Folio. 1930.[A]

NEBULA OR OCCULTATION. A Poetical Fragment on the Shooting of a Kinematograph Star. 1913.

HOW A KINEMATOGRAPH PICTURE IS PRODUCED

1 THE AUDIENCE. This is often deaf, and as often wishes it were. It pays large money for uncomfortable seats, smoke-laden atmosphere, and peppermint scenery. It also pays an entertainment tax, and wonders why it is so called. The front seats applaud the dashing hero, and are surprised at his coldness, forgetting that he can't hear, oh!

2 THE NAMES OF THE PLAYERS. These are perhaps more important than the audience, and involve the expenditure of much fine gold to determine whether Artie Applin is Artie Applin's name or a pseudonymous inexactitude appropriated to the corporation financing the undertaking. The answer is in the negative, usually.

3 THE PALACE. Of this there are two kinds. First, the disused theatre, known as DE LUXE, on the _lucus a non lucendo_ principle, it being steeped in quintessence of Cimmerian gloom and warmed by diminutive red lights marked Exit. The other kind is the disused barn, known as the GEM; of which the brilliance is all outside, and the inside reminds one of the apocalyptic sardine stone.

4 THE MACHINE AND OPERATOR. These are two hands with but a single handle, which is turned, but which does not produce the music above referred to. The Operator is a skilled labourer. His work consists in lighting the lamp, fixing the film, and turning the handle. This last is very difficult to perform properly: for not only does the operator have to keep time to the music above referred to, but he must be most careful that the villain does not get caught before his pursuers arrive, and that none of the characters escape from the screen.

5 THE FILM. Everyone knows what a film is and how the photographs are taken, so it is unnecessary to say anything on this point. It may not, however, be generally known that all films are transparent in varying degrees, and that the picture which appears on the screen is caused by the light from the lantern passing through, or being obstructed by, the film. That which is dark on the film thus becomes dark on the screen, and that which is light on the screen is represented by that which is light on the film. This throws a great deal of light on things otherwise dark. The apparent movement of the players is produced by the turning of the before-mentioned handle.

6 THE LEADING LADY'S SMILE. This elusive abstraction is part of the stock-in-trade of the management. Its cost to the lady is merely the trouble to contract certain risible muscles, but the contract itself is more precious than rubies. The rippling smile of golden corn is as nothing to the golden smile of a rippling actress. It cuts ice. It are the goods. It is IT some.

INTRODUCTORY ESSAY

ON THE INTELLECTUAL, MORAL, AND PSYCHOLOGICAL VALUE OF THE KINEMATOGRAPH AS AN EFFECTIVE AID TO THE EDUCATION OF YOUNG CHILDREN;

OR,

WHAT'S THE GOOD OF IT?

WE have no sympathy with those who maintain that the merely visual presentment of presentations as presently presented conveys a more lasting impression to a child's mind than the same thing expressed in more technical treatment. It is as easy, we hold, to teach a child his Multiplication Table by _saying_ "Twice two are four" as by _writing_ this questionable statement on a black-board or white sheet.

But we venture to assert, and are prepared to uphold with all the strength and vigour of our arms--being thereto in duty bound by the nature of our obligations as members of a civilized community striving incessantly to banish from the four corners of the earth those outrageous transgressions against[B]--where were we?--oh, yes. We say that it _is_ easier to teach a child by means of short pithy sentences than by long-winded and involved dittoes. Which would a child--which would you--rather learn, and which would you find easier: the whole of "Paradise Lost," or the following Kinematic summary:--

1. Garden of Eden. 2. Eve steals apple. 3. Adam shares. 4. Both expelled from Garden.

It has been thought by many eminent scholastic and preceptual authorities that this is (1) a good summary; (2) theologically sound; (3) simple; (4) expressed with some quantity of jerk. And it has been further pointed out that another of its hidden merits is the ease with which it can be explained. Not a word in it but will be quite familiar to the youngest scholar: with two possible exceptions. "Expelled" (which means "driven out") might be unfamiliar to a child of two; and "Apple" (at 9_d._ a lb.) might be a forbidden fruit to a child of one or one and a half.

Q.E.D., therefore. We may regard it as proven that the Kinematograph has come to stay. _Hinc illae lacrimae_: because, after all, it destroys eyesight and thus defeats its own purposes; for a blind person attending a Kinematograph performance must be a _real_ enthusiast.

FOOTNOTES:

[A] Probably a misprint for 1903.

[B] Extract from old MS. (probably of Guildhall speech).

THE CHILDREN'S HOUR

HUMPTY DUMPTY

1 THE building of the Wall. A strike. A settlement.

2 Humpty Dumpty arrives, and after several ineffectual attempts to climb, rolls up to the top, where he seats himself.

3 A gust of wind blows him off, dislodging one brick. He falls. He breaks.

4 He pulls himself together. He has some pull.

5 He applies for summons against Balbus, builder of the wall, for contributory negligence. To which Balbus replies with a cross-summons for trespass and nuisance.

6 Humpty Dumpty is asked his age. 23. Nuisance held to be proved. Nasal organs likewise held. Judge willing to grant injunction, but thinks con-junction would be more useful after such a dis-junction.

7 King's Proctor intervenes with statement of Royal interest in plaintiff. Very old friend of family. Elicited that squadron of cavalry had been sent out to assist.

8 Humpty Dumpty discharged with yellow stains on clothing. Balbus bound over not to break the pieces.

SIMPLE SIMON

1 THE Pieman makes the pies. Ingredients carefully concealed. The Pieman's crest: Bacillus Botulorum rampantibus.

2 S. Simon starts off for his unwilling walk, and meets Pieman. His mouth waters. He is penniless. His eyes water. He is hankeyless. His nose waters.

3 He accosts the Pieman, who respectfully asks to be allowed a private view of the colour of his money. No money forthcomes.

4 A passing policeman arrests S. Simon for attempting to obtain goods under false pretences.

5 The case is heard. Pies produced. Pies heard. Magistrate orders Court to be cleared and sterilized.

6 Adjourned sitting. Simple Simon is proved to be an undischarged bankrupt. Discharged accordingly. Pieman bound over to keep the pies. He pleads for mercy.

7 The Pieman's nightmare. Procession of dogs, cats, horses, and rats, headed by the Pied Piper. The Pieman's coat-of-arms: On a field sanguinary semée de Melton Mowbray proper, a microbe vert, armed cap-à-pie.

SEE-SAW, MARGERY DAW

1 MISS MARGERY DAW'S home in Thibet. Her boudoir. With inimitable nonchalance she lights a cigarette. She turns pale. She dies. She disappears from history.

2 Interior of See-saw factory in Honolulu. Visitor sees see-saws. He sees saws. He sees saucy girls. He sees sore hands. A class is being instructed on the distribution of weight. He waits and sees.

3 Jenny at work with the weight and see-saw. The foreman arrives and recriminates. Jenny responds in kind, unkindly. Foreman retires hurt.

4 Slave market at Jamaica. Jenny on sale, labelled "Slow." Wealthy Turk is successfully sold, and buys her, being partial to sloe jin. Together they execute a Turkish trot. (Inset, a Turkish execution.)

5 Jenny in her new master's harem. (Censored.)

6 Jennina out walking, clothed in voluminous tarboosh. Her glad eye. She is faster than was thought. Her master catches her eye, intended for a Young Turk, and throws it back.

7 Night. Darkness. Exterior of Harem. A sack descends, falling into river with long, dull, lingering splash.

DING DONG BELL

1 A LARGE bell rings itself. Grandsire Triples. Its grandsire doubles.

2 A well is dug. Well, well!

3 J. Green, a very small boy, throws a dead cat into the well. It bobs.

4 T. Stout, another very small boy, sits fishing on the edge of the well. After some hours he pulls out aforesaid cat. Cat goes (or should go) into the hunt.

5 The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals invokes the majesty of the law (which is a hass), and attempts to crush J. Green, ætat 7. (Inset, Johnny's sister feeding Johnny's chicken.)

6 The Royal Humane Society awards Medal and Certificate to T. Stout, who is much moved. (Inset, Tommy's mother getting Tommy's tea.)

7 The galled jade winces, and the large bell is unrung in Stedman Triples instead.

INTERVAL OF TEN YEARS

BUT DON'T WASTE TIME

GO OUT AND BUY A CUP OF BOVRIL

It is not the cup that cheers; it is you who applaud the contents.

CURLY-LOCKS

1 CURLY-LOCKS and Another washing dishes. Tender passages. The passages become dark. Another penny is placed in gas-meter.

2 Twenty years later. C. Locks sues unnamed defendant for Breach of Promise. Many letters are put in and read.

3 First letter:--

"My ownest Curly-girly, Leave the hurly-burly Of washing dishes. Be my little wifey Quick as saying knifey. Loving wishes."

Her reply:--"Is this a definitive offer?"

4 Next letter:--

"Googly-woogle, let the swine Feed themselves when you are mine. You shall sit on silken seats Eating choicest sweety-meats."

Her answer:--

"Once already I've asked you is it a Prop.? Reply to my solicitor."

5 The Jury disagree. They return to Court and ask Judge if plaintiff may be directed to raise her veil. (Sensation in Court.) She does so. Judge faints. Jury retire hastily.

6 Verdict unanimously for defendant, with a rider to the effect that he has had a lucky escape. Plaintiff fined 1_s._ 3_d._ for malicious persecution, and recommended to have mercy on all men by keeping visor lowered.

DOCTOR FOSTER

1 MOUNTAIN SCENERY in Gloucestershire. Rain falls. Curtain falls.

2 Foster, the medical student, in his laboratory, cultivating bacteria, surrounded by stills, alembics, crucibles, etc. His retorts uncourteous when bitten by tame streptococcus. (Inset, his pet blue-eyed staphylococcus begging for gelatine.)

3 Secretary of State for War arrives with his Staff. Foster seizes the staff, which forthwith blossoms. He is invited to accept a Commission. He demands 12½ per cent.

4 Selection Committee at War Office doubt Foster's skill. He produces pocket-knife and amputates Serjeant-Major's leg. He amputates both his own arms. He is accepted, and gazetted Major-General.

5 Proceeding to Gloucester in charge of Ambulance Column, he is caught in above-mentioned rain. He steps out of his Daimler into a puddle. He sinks to the waist. He is hauled out with improvised crane. He resolves not to revisit Gloucester.

6 Being quite armless, he is allowed to indict District Council for illegal detention.

7 Judge remarks that "he who comes into Equity must come with clean hands." As General Foster has no hands, and as they would be dirty if he had, case is dismissed, and he is struck off the Rolls-Royce.

THE MAN IN THE MOON

1 TYCHO BRAHE in his observatory. His telescope (by Dollond) brings the Moon so close that the Man therefrom slides down the barrel. Tycho is astonied some.

2 The checking of chronometers--(Inset, the Pagoda at Kew)--shows that the visitor, travelling by summer time, has arrived too early. He asks for Ordnance map of Norfolk. T. Brahe replies "Sur-vey victis."

3 The Man from Moon journeys southwards. He arrives at Pampeluna, his cousin. He is hospitably entertained with pease porridge.

4 Porridge being made from O T meal, he burns his mouth. He does the obvious, remarking that some fools would have kept it in. The gentility of his bringing up is questioned. Sic transit.

5 He is called to the Bar. He orders a split soda. His cousin runs out. He is run in, for treatment which is not of the nature and quality demanded. One pussyfoot makes one rude.

6 Ascending in a paravane, he is assumed, as a balloonatic, to be incapable of managing his affairs, with costs on the High Court Scale, and the custody of the weights thereunto belonging. The Man in the Moon is deceitful upon the weights. He is altogether lighter than alimony.

THE FIREPROOF CURTAIN

IS LOWERED at least once during each chapter in accordance with instructions from the Ministry of Wealth shortly to be established.

You will not, however, be invited to invest your savings, as by that time you will not have any.

Therefore, now, while the cash is hot in your pocket (or your stocking), take a stroll down Ludgate Hill, and see other and more useful Curtains (and Carpets, too).

Might Sir William Treloar be described as a "Carpet Knight"? No, he is a Baronet; and though there may be scions of many a genealogical tree higher there is only one Treloar.

TOM, TOM, THE PIPER'S SON

1 A PEACEFUL farmyard in Macedonia. A herd of swine is collecting pearls in silk purses. Swine are more precious in the Balkans than good women.

2 Thomas, the Greek, arrives. He is not a Jew. He despises jewellery and loves pork. He steals a pig. (Inset, the squeal thereof.)

3 Thomas retires to a shady nook and consumes the pig. He regrets it. So does the pig. Crackling is heard.

4 Tom's father, with his pipe. Pipe goes out. Father goes in. (This is a striking scene.)

5 Thomas descends the street roaring. He is in real pain. Mumm is not the word.

6 Action for assault and barratry, Thomas _v._ Pater. Judge rules that plaintiff has saved his bacon, and defendant is let off with a fine for being accessory after the fat.

OLD KING COLE

1 EXTERIOR view of Royal Palace. Interior of same--Dining Hall, Piping Room, Bowling Alley, Fiddling Saloon. Queen Cole's allotment. (Inset, a few vegetables grown by the Princess Anthracite.)

2 The King calls for his pipe. No reply. Boy in street is heard calling "Paiper." Exit the King to buy one.

3 The King calls for his bowl. No reply. He takes from adjacent peg his bowler, which he dons.

4 The King calls for his three fiddlers. No reply. Eventually enter three fiddles with low bows. The King picks one up, and begins to play. Many dogs come about him, and sit around howling.

5 A crowd arrives, kneeling, and praying him to desist. Not having a crown on, the King borrows half-a-crown from each member of the congregation. This is apt to confound a fellow kneeling, so they rise.

6 The King thus assisting them to rise is hailed as King Borwick I., afterwards altered, on better acquaintance, to King Borrowit.

7 Having the fiddlers hanged on lamp-posts leads to misprision of trees on the green. But the King can do no wrong. He goes to write, and is left alone.

TAFFY WAS A WELSHMAN

1 MOUNTAIN scenery in Wales. Cricket at Criccieth. Stoolball at Llyngwllws.

2 Taffy at school, stealing marbles from playmates, while they steal a march on him. The Welsh Marches.

3 Taffy arrives at my house, and makes guarded enquiries as to location of larder. His questions parried. We retire to sleep.

4 Next morning. Taffy missing. Leg of beef ditto. I go to Taffy's residence, and find him in bed. Only available ornament in bedroom, Bones, Marrow, 1. This I hurl at his head, and make tracks.

5 Applying at Police Station for protection against Taffy's murderous intentions, I am examined as to causes precedent. It is suggested that legs of beef are unusual joints to purchase at 1_s._ 8_d._ a week. Dislike the suggestion, and propose to walk out in dudgeon.

6 Dudgeon aforesaid discounted by slipping on banana-skin. Uncontrollable Food Controller accuses me of hoarding food. I refer him to Taffy, but he has hidden the goods in a teacup labelled "Bullo."

7 Chorus of Welsh bards, "Alas! my poor brother."

A

LETTER OF APPRECIATION

TO THE

AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK

PICTURE PALACE MANSIONS, BUCKINGHAM, 1st April, 00.

GENTLEMEN,

_I am desirous of informing you that, if Sir James Brownton-Cricht, M.D., ever reported to the Lunacy Commissioners that I attempted to take my life there was not the slightest truth in the rumour, until I read your book._

_Yours faithfully_, JOSEPH MILLER, _Junr._

SPECIMENS OF KINEMATIC PEDAGOGY

LANGUAGES

FRENCH

A GARDEN. My aunt. She meets the gardener, who introduces his aunt to her. My mother and father arrive with the gardener's mother and father. They mutually interrogate regarding the localization of a missing pen. They divide up into search parties, chanting "Where is the pen of the gardener's aunt?" Alas! if only there were an answer, it would lead to the next question, "Where is my Chardenal?"

LATIN

Enter Mr. Pickford (not Mary's father), bearing a large table in six cases. The consignee removes all the cases, and the table is declined. A Lord walks across the screen. He looks like a War Lord. He is declined. A Boy and a Master come in. The boy deprives the Master of his e'es. They go out together botanizing, and find consonant stems; and here endeth the lesson.

ITALIAN

Un leone and Una. Una feels il. The doctor asks what is the matter. Uno, she says, and takes Eno. She gets lo, but pluralizes with gli. So do i. Enter Dante dreaming of Rossetti. He meets Beatrice (when on Holliday) and thinks it a divine comedy, till he finds she doesn't cary.

GERMAN

A dachshund across the screen walked has. A butcher him met has. He a sausage becomes, and the customers the rine watch. C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas lager.

GREEK

Delos, Samos, and the Wooden one, disputing as to Homer's birthplace. The Swan of Avon (follow me, Leda!) claims to have laid two eggs which produced the Dove of Peace and a Homer pigeon. Pi. Eta. Internal irregularities. The middle voice. The temporal augment, 100 per cent., or the perfect reduplication. Mu. Kata. On the tiles. The Attic dialect, heard when alpha beta. O Phi.

HEBREW

Aleph ben Jonson enters very very softly. He is of no value as a vocalist. His bosom friend, Ayin, makes the sound of a subdued and home-sick calf. Together they irregularize many verbs, and play havoc with vowels. They juggle with pronominal suffixes, but, being true Israelites without guile, they make something out of it. Their children play in the talmud and chew targum.

ARABIC

The screen is far to sheik, and the auditorium becomes a desert. The pianist plays "The camels are coming," and Mahmoud el Ibrahim, who has been badly jehad, is placed as an alko ran. Arrival of Kismet at Mecca. The magic Carpet. The Bashaw of ten tails. The cat of nine ditto. Gum Arabic. Chewing ditto. Shaking the spearmint.

SHORTHAND

A pitman duploying to the left in fours. He encounters a grammalogue, from which, after a bloody struggle, he removes the vowels. He takes the third place, and crosses the line. He continues to march forward with sinuous curves, making a sharp angle round Amen corner.

CHINESE

Confucius at home. He invents pictureless Kinematographs and featureless films. He calls on Ming, who has but Wun Lung. Go Hang, says Ming. This causes confucion. So he returns to Ping Pong.

RUSSIAN

Vodka, disguised as a Bolshevik, is in love with Popoffski. In Siberia they hunt the wily samovar. They find a Russian toffee mine, and thereout suck they no small advantage. They come to Pskoff, but remain at Prague; and live happily until Vodka climbs up the Lenin Poland falls off.

ASSYRIAN

Sennacherib folded up like a wolf. He unfolds, and his cuneiform is seen to be that of a man-headed lion. His pal Assurbani meets him in his chariot, arrow drawn to head. They conjugate the permansive of Ittanafal, and recite the numerals as far as ninety-nineveh.

SPANISH

Onions. Chestnuts. Sancho Panza and his servantes. A Don approaches on a mule, slowly. Sancho sizes him up as a keen sahib, and enquires "Quien sabe?" They play matador, pompadour, and toreador. The dago is then shown another door, and a bull-fight ensues. When will the day go?

HINDUSTANI

The plains, with hilly tails. Jubbul, pore fellow, attends the Delhi Durbar in Sanskrit character, but finds it difficult to keep his place. As his character must change with his position, he is hard put to it. Slinging the bat. Pawning the rooty. The Towers of Silence. Bukhing up to pass the Parsees. Pas par ici à Paris. Suttee. Sikh itur ad astrachan. Nepaul plus ultramarine.

WELMANISM

I HAVE found it. A vast, colossal, even terrifying discovery, is mine.

Descendant of a hundred Earls; more mutton-headed than the sheep which daily entangle themselves in my motor; with no hope (save the Telephone service); I now see Empires at my feet.

I NEARLY MISSED IT

For four years, with trembling hands have I opened my paper--only to dash it with fury into the grate as my eyes caught the hated word. I changed my paper until I had to change my stationer.

One day I bought the Parish Magazine of St. Sous Without. Could it be possible? My lips were dry, so that I could not turn the pages. I sucked an acidulated drop. Like a Bank clerk counting Bradburys and Fishers, or like the autumn, I turned the leaves, and scanned them with a feverish zeal. It was not there!

RENAISSANCE

In a moment my mind was made up. My hand went to my breast-pocket--my Bank book (also made up). I wrote a postcard, sent a telegram, a special messenger, Carter Paterson, and went myself in a cab. As I entered the vast Institute I threw into the area the bottle of medicine I had that morning purchased for this effect.

THE HOME OF EFFICIENCY

I was flung into a lift; whirled aloft; flung out. I rose from my hands and knees, and found myself in the presence of a small boy wearing the ribbons of every known and unknown order. "Sign please," he demanded. I found my cheque-book open on the desk. I signed. I saved myself by catching the basement landing. Five men followed bearing literature.

A NEW WORLD

I opened the first pamphlet. My head swelled immediately. Development had begun to commence starting already. I wrote a letter to the _Daily Whale_. It was not published. I knew myself upon the path to greatness. My horizon was enlarged.

I discarded my glasses and led from a singleton. While shaving I invented a lock for motor-cars and a solution of the Irish Problem; I unravelled the Russian tangle and elaborated a new Tango; I designed a rat-proof barn and went to breakfast.

AMONGST MY FELLOWS