Part 2
An enormous crowd at the Tube Station. I read one sentence from Pamphlet 2, and I was seated in the train; another sentence and the train started.
I called at the Bank of England, and informed a very gentlemanly young fellow that my income would soon be £5,000 a year by the Welmanometer. He was superficially interested, and I was conducted to the vaults. I was presented with a spade. I have not known an idle moment since.
"THOU SHALT DO NO MURDER"
1 GEORGE teaching in Sunday School. He is snubbed by the lady superintendent. He becomes tired of life.
2 He buys a revolver, and shoots the salesman. As he goes home he shoots two policemen and an apple woman. Too easy. He exchanges the revolver for Winchester Repeating Rifle.
3 He hires an aeroplane to circle above his house. As people watch it, from his bedroom window he picks off twenty-three. He tires. He purchases two pennyworth of rat-poison.
4 He visits the Kitchen of a large Hotel, and very unostentatiously drops the poison in the soup. 137 deaths due to misadventure.
5 He sets fire to the Grand Theatre. 5,022 persons burned to death alive. On his way home, carrying a cubic foot of dynamite, he is arrested. (Sensation.)
6 He drops the parcel and escapes. He is tracked. He is sighted. (More sensation.) He eludes pursuit, and is never recaptured. He lives happily ever after, and still retains a warm spot in his heart for the lady who helped to teach him how to live.
MORE KINEMATIC PEDAGOGY
GEOLOGY
THE crust of the earth. The crumb. A plio scene. An eo scene. Laminated strata of neolithic oolite. Sandstone. Sugar stone. Plum stone. Outcrop of turnips in wealden clay. Fly in amber. Flyin machine. Prehistoric man on the rocks. Author also on the rocks. Arrival of a megalokinemastodontichthyosaurus. His jaw breaks. The camera breaks.
POLITICAL ECONOMY
Relation between wages and work. Comparison impossible. The wealth of the individual. N/S Nil. The wealth of nations. Adam Shame. Specimens of bimetallic coinage. Paper currents. Their raison d'être. King Charles I. demanding supplies. Ministry of Food supplying demands. Not half. Foreign Exchanges. Germany's low-water Mark. Francness on the Bourse. The Rouble trouble. Millionaires playing with agricultural returns, or baccarrot.
SCIENCE
Fair Science frowning on an humble birth. Her deeper frown on sulphuretted hydrogen. Demonstrator upsets nitric acid. Specific gravity of class upset. The Torricellian vacuum. Cleaning the vacuum. (Inset, the vacuum cleaner; can be used for the head.) The wet-and-dry bulb. Johnson's hydrometer. Converting a pussyfoot into liquid measure with caustic soda water. Electrolysis. Analysis. Paralysis.
BOOK-KEEPING
A double cash column marches through the double entry. It reads the journal. A Post Office. The ledger is posted. It is put on the scales, but won't balance. It is returned to drawer for re-check. While books are in the drawer they cannot be kept. When they are posted they cannot be retained. Therefore Book-keeping is impossible.
ARCHÆOLOGY
The Temple of Leonidas in Valparaiso. A papyrus is discovered. It is found to be dated B.C. 5000, and written in Scotch. Sinn Feiners at work deciphering. The finding of the key. The document is a recipe for utilizing the sharpenings of pencils to make iron joists. A limited company is formed to exploit the process. Present address, Carey Street.
NUMISMATICS
Specimens of various rare coins. A sovereign. Two sovereigns. A half-sovereign. Obverse. Reverse. Perverse. Coins not quite so rare. A half-crown. It is given away in error between two threepenny-bits. A sixpence. It goes bang. A small coin is shown, which gradually recedes into the borderland between visibility and invisibility. It is then seen to be a far thing.
ALCOHOLISM
A field of potatoes in full ear. One of the Old Guard at Waterloo (Station). He is conscribed. Ten years later: not yet promoted. Twenty years after: he is a private still. He distils a potato by suction. He becomes intoxicated by the protuberance of his own pomposity. He tries to say Truly rural. He attempts to uphold the British Constitution. He walks across a chalk mark. Hic transit.
PHILATELY
A stampede. Enter an ardent collector wiping the perforation. He forges ahead, but is discovered by absence of watermark. His duplicate marches in like a lamb from mint source. He is in rare condition, having been surcharged with a plate number. He is absolutely used up. Post mortem.
VERGER WHITE, DETECTIVE
1 VERGER WHITE and his pet tortoise Ermyntrude. White is playing the trombone, while Ermyntrude is running up and down the curtains.
2 A client arrives. White puts away the trombone, tells his client what he has come for, and the name of the person who committed the burglary with violence. The client agrees, noting subconsciously that White has a habit of flapping his left ear when thinking deeply.
3 White takes the case. It is a case of whiskey, which the client has thoughtfully provided. He turns up a file of the Quiver, and reads through the Postal Guide.
4 He finds what he wants. He calls Ermyntrude and starts off. He takes a taxicab to Waterloo, and goes by train to Richmond.
5 He returns to Hammersmith, takes a motor-bus to Barnes, and train back to Waterloo. Having thus thrown off his pursuers, he walks to Vauxhall, followed by Ermyntrude.
6 He secures assistance from local police and fire brigade, and between them they arrest the supposititious criminal--a blind paralytic.
7 White is rewarded with the Freedom of Tooting Bee and a complimentary dinner at The Stag, Kennington. Responding to the toast of "Our Greatest Detective," he returns the compliment by Tooting on the trombone. He remains under the table, flapping his left ear, while Ermyntrude sleeps coiled up in the instrument.
THE TOPICAL BUDGET
LIFE IN THE NAVY. BY A SOLDIER
1 THE RATINGS AT THEIR WORK. The Sailor sailing the boat. Midshipman finding the centre of the ship. Boatswain balancing himself to prevent the boat swaying. Purser collecting purses. Assistant Paymaster assisting the Paymaster. Paymaster paying Officers in their own coin. The Lootnant looting. The First Lootnant saluting. The Commodore commodoring. Post Captain delivering the mails. Admiral with his baton and broom.
2 FLYING THE BLUE PETER. Popular sport. Whole crew paraded to watch. Peter, a young lady-bird, is first dipped in sulphate of copper. A rope is attached to the maintopgallant staysail, while the other end is fastened to Peter's leg. The band plays "O for the wings of a dove," and Peter is prodded with a marlin-spike till he flies.
3 WEIGHING THE LEAD. The cook brings his scales on to the bridge. The sailors swing the lead in turn, endeavouring to lodge it on the scales. Only the oldest sailors can do it properly, as it requires much knack. When it settles on the scales it is weighed by a waiter.
4 SPLICING THE MAINBRACE. (This is one of the pair worn by the Captain, and often bursts under the strain of responsibility.) The two ends are unravelled, adjusted, twisted, intertwined, and finally wrapped round and round with sailors' yarn. Very telling.
5 SHIVERING THE TIMBERS. The carpenters parade with adzes and belaying pins. The timber is pinned to the running blocks. Carpenters remove their hose. Cold water is turned on to the timber from the hose. If the temperature is too high, it is almost impossible to make the timbers shiver.
THE TOPICAL BUDGET
LIFE IN THE ARMY. BY A SAILOR
1 PHYSICAL JERKS. The Doctor in his dispensary. The Army enters one by one. Each man is recorded as A1, then examined with an empty stethoscope without lenses. He is told he has a tendency to appendicitis, and is given a bottle of N.Y.D. As he leaves the room he jerks the physic through the porthole. Hence the name.
2 CHEWING THE RAG. (All soldiers do it.) Rags of various kinds. The Serjeant-major's. The A.S.C. (more usual). The rag before chewing. It looks _something_ like a ration. Group of old sweats chewing the same. Enter Orderly Officer: "Any complaints?" He vanishes. Chewing is resumed, but the rag is never consumed.
3 DUCK-SHOVING. (Pastime invented by Drake.) A pair of white ducks is tethered to the last post. Each soldier has a drum, which he tries to beat with a duck's drumstick. As soon as one soldier seizes a duck, another soldier pushes the duck away. The game is played with great fierceness, and causes much amusement, especially to the ducks.
4 DRAWING RATIONS. A huge pair of ration pinchers advances on the Purser. A tin of bully is extracted, sounding like a gramophone. An officer intervenes with the remark: "You can't have that; this is a pickle day." He whistles. The tin returns to store. A case of rum is pinched. The officer smiles. He knows it is lime-juice.
5 SQUARE-PUSHING. This sport requires much secrecy, and no soldier will tell you how _he_ does it. The youngest recruit is sent for the key of the square. The older soldiers don special boots for the function. Mounted services wear special spurs, whose rowels sound like an harp. The order is then given, "On the hands, down," and the square is pushed. The older birds slope off.
THRILLING ADVENTURES ROUND THE NORTH POLE
1 THE expedition starts. Josie. Frank Ashburningham. The mascot (a giraffe). The ship sails from Stoke Newington. Portions of the crowd which sees them off.
2 Passing the Hebrides. Off Plymouth Sound. The Mountains of Maughan. Sunrise on Popocatapetl. Icebergs off Bombay. Moonlight effects on Streatham Common. Mascot dies of tonsilitis.
3 First glimpses of unknown land. Closer acquaintance proves it to be Greenland. Josie maintains it is Iceland. The thermometer falls lower than the mercury, which therefore boils under atmospheric pressure. Mascot dies of beri-beri.
4 Crossing the ice. (Note the tracks of Josie's high heels.) A barrier. It is removed. A snow-drift. It is removed. Mascot dies of trench feet. Warm clothing a necessity. Good old Thermos.
5 More ice. The aneroid measures only 1,437 miles from the Pole. Forward! Mascot dies of misfeasance. Josie has a touch of sunstroke. They proceed under great difficulties.
6 The rigour of the North. Nearing the Pole. Cutting it short. Four miles further. Mascot dies of aniline. Waiting for day-break. The start of the last lap. Sighting the Pole.
7 Arrival at the Pole. The Scotsman comes to greet them, and asks for a pinch of snuff. Mascot dies of erudition. The return to Blighty.
THE POLYPHONIC CLOTHING COMPANY, LTD
BARKING ROAD, FIFE
ECONOMY
The Godiva Gown. Heard but not seen.
HEALTH
The Concho Corset. Be concave where now convex.
HOSIERY
Our unmendable stockings.
Unwashable. Untearable. Unmentionable.
Sold in tins with camel-hair brush. One application lasts for years.
GARTERS
Embroidered silk, with phonograph attachment.
BOOTS.
Try our Gondola Shoes for ease and comfort.
Room for luggage within weight allowed to second-class passengers. Scooters extra. Hooters unnecessary.
HATS. HATS. HATS.
May be worn at angle guaranteed to go into any ordinary-sized taxi. Opaque. Indestructible. Grow real flowers which change with season. Special terms for vegetables and exotics.
LINGERIE
The last word in femininity: therefore noisy. So constructed that the rustling distinctly articulates the name of each garment.
BE DISTINGUÉ.
Wearers of our clothing are heard every day in all the papers. See Police Reports.
OUR GREAT NEW FEATURE
SCENES FROM MODERN LIFE
THE Cabinet at work inventing a form to be filled in. The Red Tape Worm (_Toenia Rubescens_) in great form. Its bite poisons with formic acid. H.M. Stationery Office printing forms. Standing Committee sitting on forms.
The Lower Classes learning to count measles. A lesson in defence against offensive tactics. The casual Ward computing death duties. The Crushing Chamber for humorists. Mother of twenty (all under five) trying to remember children's names and ages.
The Upper Classes. How to evade the Law. What is a hundred pounds? What is six months in gaol? Quids or quod? Advantages of wealth. Circumventing the Inquisition. The Reformation. Forms for Bankrupts. The I.O. diform. The abstruser forms. Chloroform. End of the performance. Transformation scene.
The International Correspondence College for Post-Graduate Diplomas in Form-filling. The Principal. The Secretary. Forming fours. Forty-seven thousand of the students. Lectures. Exposition of Form by Maud o' that ilk. Formula for same.
KINEMATIC MATHEMATICS
ARITHMETIC
DECIMALS seated round the Multiplication Table. They perform evolutions and involutions, till one is transformed by a duodenary ulcer. An escape of gas. They find the scenty meter, and measure it with a rule of three feet. They practice. They share stocks out of all proportion. Enter a herring and a half, which they decide to Pendle bury.
MUSIC
Dramatis Personæ: Major C.; a miner; and a common cord. The dominant personality of the Major resolves the miner into such a dire state that he needs a dire tonic. In less than a diminished second his whole tone is raised. (Double sharp work, what?) He takes a breve rest, quavering with a minimum of divergent emotion in the effort to be natural. _Eheu fugue asses!_ They nearly forte, but the discord was inverted by the Major's apologiatura, which was as handsomely chromatic as his socks.
ALGEBRA
Enter a fraction. (Censored, as too vulgar.) Problem plays and multinomial theorems are added to and subtracted from him, when a quadratic (half mulatto, half white) arrives, and removes his brackets. This reduces him to tears and lowest terms, and he is rapidly factorized. Treating the absurd with sum series-ness, he regains his expansion, permuting his functions to accord with the senary. The equation, like justice, is satisfied.
BUILDING
The bricklayer enters an inn and pays his footing with a Flemish Bond. He takes a header through the window, and is carried off on a stretcher, being unable to keep the perpends. The template filled with trench mortar. The bricklayer on the scaffold. His last moments. He falls into a putlog hole. Tying knots in a tiebeam. The falling eaves. Eaves dropping.
GEOMETRY
1 (Euclid I. 5.) Scene, an Isosceles triangle. Enter the two angles at the base. They build a bridge of asses. (This is unnecessary, but usual.) They have a tug-of-war. Neither can move the other. Therefore they are equal.
2 (Euclid I. 20.) Scene, a Triangle. Enter the three sides. Two of these are carrying a large grater. They are therefore greater than the other side.
3 (Euclid I. 46.) Enter a Policeman, model of rectitude, representing a given straight line. His hollowed rearward hand receives a coin. He is squared.
4 (Euclid I. 47.) Scene, a right-angled Triangle. Enter A.B., an hypotenuse. He makes his claim. Enter two other sides, Jachin and Boaz. They square up. A.B. knocks both down, proving that he is equal to both of them together.
PREFACE[C]
The object of this book is to show the educational possibilities of the Kinematograph, as applied to almost any subject. It does not pretend to exhaustiveness, though it will be found somewhat exhausting. Several examples are given of the way in which pedagogic methods should be used, though many matters have been left severely alone.
Before a child walks unaided, he runs. Before he runs he crawls. Let him therefore crawl through his Kinematic Alphabet (omitted from this book) before proceeding to the abstruser Kinematic Nursery Rhymes (which will give him a good groundwork in Kinematic Law). Thence he will skim through Kinematic Languages, Kinematic Mathematics, and certain Kinematic Sciences; and so on to Kinematic Art, Kinematic Politics, and Kinematic Medicine (which form the subject of a separate work).[D]
FOOTNOTES:
[C] Apparently misplaced.
[D] See Vol. II. of this work, "The Donkimatograph," by Pr. Apsnot.
THE POOR YE HAVE ALWAYS
1 A SNOWSTORM. A ragged woman holding a bundle (presumably a fatherless child). She sits on the Embankment steps. A policeman moves her on.
2 She moves on. She goes to the front door of the Hotel Splendide. She sees the lights within. She is turned away.
3 She goes to the Hotel Magnifical. She sees the warmth on the window-panes. She is repulsed again.
4 She moves on. She goes into the Strand and begs from the passers-by. A few give her small coins, many give her nothing.
5 A policeman moves her on. She goes to the Police Station. She is turned away.
6 She goes to her home in Park Lane, and writes a cheque to pay her bridge debts.
DEATHBREATH THE CROOK
A BENT elderly man seated at a table covered with chemical apparatus. Men stand round in gas-masks, for his breath is death.
As his men watch, Deathbreath drinks from a small bottle. He immediately vanishes. A crook rushes forward. Suddenly he throws up his arms and falls. Deathbreath reappears, with arm outstretched, as from punching someone.
"I have discovered the secret of invisibility." He disappears again.
(Film continues for ten minutes, showing nothing.)
ANOTHER EPISODE
OF
DEATHBREATH THE CROOK NEXT WEEK.
WHAT A DRINK IS WORTH
CASTE
Roaring Pete MR. BEERBOHM IRVING. Tootsie Wootsie MISS PORTIA BORDEAUX. The Medicine Man WHISKEY WILSON (Special engagement). Medicine Man's Squaw MME. GLOUGLOU CHIANTI. Cowboys, Indians, Beer.
DEAD DOG GULCH
(Film aborts.)
DEAD DOG
(Film aborts.)
DEAD DOG GULCH, MINING SETTLEMENT
(Film aborts.)
(After several scenes and incidents have passed too quickly for contemplation,)
Bar full of Cowboys. Enter
ROARING PETE,
slouching, head forward, chin projecting, a shooting iron in each hand, bowie between his teeth, swords stuck in his puttees. He is hailed with shouts and cocktails.
THE MEDICINE MAN,
an old Indian, stands on sidewalk, scratching his head with great earnestness and a piece of tile. He looks at bar; smacks his lips; points; evidently intends entering to obtain
FIRE WATER.
He stands with hand on latch, ruminating. A picture of Home rises before him--his old Squaw sitting wistfully in wigwam, grasping old hatchet. He at once enters.
TOOTSIE WOOTSIE,
the saloon-keeper's daughter, comes into saloon: golden hair down to waist, and riding costume. She rushes to Roaring Pete. Roaring Pete rushes to her. Enter Medicine Man, who gets embraced between them. Loud curses. Much gun-play. Exit Medicine Man. Counter, chairs, tables, bottles, hats, boots, and curses, follow him. Boot hits him in rear. He bolts with boot. He swears revenge.
SEEING RED
Indian Encampment. Medicine Man beating drum. Galloping ponies, firing Winchesters and automatics. Ring of stern faces. Background, ring of roses. Medicine Man harangues; shows boot; shows mark where it hit him. Excited execrations. Young chief advances, obviously saying "Wow!" Desperate attention secured at this unusual beginning. He outlines his plan--a night raid to capture Paleface Squaw. Before he finishes, Indians dash for ponies and gallop into the night.
TOOTSIE WOOTSIE
discovered undressing. She removes her blouse. She removes her riding sk----
(Film aborts.)
Tootsie in her dressing-gown, about to say her guileless prayer. Hideous face at window. She screams and shoots. Face shouts with pained surprise. It is Roaring Pete. "What have I done?" Tootsie dashes to window and hurls herself out. As she leaves the sill--
(Film aborts.)
THE START
Dark figures stealing through the bushes. They appear to be searching for something. Chief stubs his toe. Mentions it. Tomahawked immediately by Medicine Man. Fierce rustle of excitement (heard in gallery) as they catch sight of Tootsie kneeling by Roaring Pete. Medicine Man says "Charge!" Tomahawks young Chief for asking "How much?"
CAPTURE OF TOOTSIE WOOTSIE
Proposal that she be allowed to dress is vetoed by unanimous tomahawk. Tootsie Wootsie struggles madly to keep her dressing-gown round her.
THEIR ONE MISTAKE
Medicine Man reaches through window and collars a Gollywog. Child screams and appears at window. Indians vamoose with Tootsie Wootsie, mount their horses, and vanish into the dawn.
Child rushes out in nightshirt to Sheriff's house. Shakes him. Fails to wake him. Seizes brandy bottle and puts it to his lips. Sheriff wakes at once. While he is taking a pull, child explains. "Indians taken my Golly." As Sheriff leaps out of bed--
(Film aborts.)
Cowboys mounting as they gallop off. Sheriff takes child on pommel, and dashes off into the afternoon.
THE INDIAN ENCAMPMENT
A War Dance. Tootsie Wootsie lying bound. She is placed on a pile of faggots. Young brave with torch. Medicine Man, with sacrificial knife uplifted, addresses her: "Will you marry me?" Tootsie simpers:
"This is so sudden."
Medicine Man infuriated. He executes a primordial dance. He repeats: "Will you marry me?" Tootsie Wootsie breaks her bonds, throws her arms about him, and whispers "Yes, dear." Howls of rage. Medicine Man steps back. His squaw hits him with blunt hatchet. Another young Chief steps forward, waving captured Gollywog. Medicine Man seizes it; holds it by off hand; waves minatory knife. Tootsie Wootsie screams again, "Spare poor Golly, and I will release thee." Medicine Man demands it in writing.
THE SAME, CONTINUED
Papyrus and stylo produced. Tootsie Wootsie is about to sign when Medicine Man crumples into heap. Cowboys appear on galloping ponies. Much gun-play. Much cursing. Wild melée. Child seizes gollywog. Indian seizes Tootsie Wootsie, and hurls her over cliff. She falls approximately two miles, when--
(Film aborts.)
... Roaring Pete, struggling towards dropped flask. He reaches it. It is empty. He gets up in a rage. He feels himself. "What's the good of being wounded when the flask's empty?"
He dashes for pony and lights out for anywhere. As he passes foot of precipice, someone falls on his head. Falls off. He rubs his head with curses and quirt, and examines the missile. It is Tootsie Wootsie. (Sensation in the front seats.)
SECOND PART FOLLOWS IMMEDIATELY
A LOVERS' QUARREL
"Please explain how you come to be so far distant from home in your night attire."
Tootsie Wootsie walks off the screen in a huff.
THIRD PART OF THIS THRILLING SERIAL,
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday,
NEXT WEEK.
RINGING THE CHANGES
1 BUNCLE spends a week-end in Mexico. He joins a Revolution. He wins. As a reward he is shown the ancient Aztec Temples. He enters the Cortes, and is initiated into the Mysteries. Poking the hontas. Mounting the Zuma.
2 An old priestess tells him a secret. He retires with a ruddy blush. An old priest gives him a phial, explaining that it contains the Liquor of Creation, enabling the owner to create what he wills. The yarn licks creation.
3 At Brighton Station. A crowd. No seats. Buncle creates an armchair. Seats himself. Angry exclamations. Porter politely requests him to move. He refuses. More politeness. Inspector fetched. Indicates distinction between heavy goods traffic and passengers' luggage. Buncle rises. As porter embraces chair, Buncle changes it into a bag of soot. The train arrives.
4 Buncle seats himself in train, and creates an outsize Newfoundland dog. Inspector objects. Tries to seize dog, which becomes a toy Pomeranian. Inspector grasps air. He sees the Pom, and grabs. Pom becomes hedgehog. Inspector utters cursory remarks and returns to platform. While he examines his hands, hedgehog becomes giraffe, which affectionately licks his ear.