Chapter 9

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Joining in the attack upon ROPER._] Yes, if Lal 'ad been content to mind 'is own business----

JIMMIE.

And hadn't meddled----!

MRS. UPJOHN.

_An'_ muddled----!

JIMMIE.

Things might have gone on much the same as before.

MRS. UPJOHN.

An' might 'ave ended different.

LILY.

[_Rising and walking away to the right._] Ah, no, mother----!

JIMMIE.

[_Rising and joining LILY._] Certainly they might.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Rising._] Any'ow I 'ope it'll be a lesson to Lal----

JIMMIE.

_Do_ you, Ma!

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Moving over to the girls._] Not to put 'is fingers into other people's pies.

JIMMIE.

[_To MRS. UPJOHN, with a withering glance at ROPER._] Oh, you _are_ sanguine!

ROPER.

[_Rising and straightening himself out._] Ma-- Mrs. Upjohn-- Lily----

JIMMIE.

[_Scornfully._] Hullo, hullo, hullo, hul-lo----!

ROPER.

[_To JIMMIE._] P'sh! [_Impressively._] Ma-- Lily-- for years-- longer than it's agreeable to count-- I've been a patron of the drama-- particularly musical comedy, of which I've studied the development with especial interest.

JIMMIE.

[_Resting her elbows upon the back of the settee._] Yes, you've studied a lot of development, Lal, in your day.

ROPER.

[_Ignoring JIMMIE._] It's been a fad with me; I put it no higher than that. [_Producing his gloves._] But I've devoted time to it----

JIMMIE.

Any amount.

ROPER.

[_Drawing a glove on._] Often to the neglect of my ventures in the City. Here I am _now_, for instance.

JIMMIE.

That's obvious.

ROPER.

And-- I frankly admit it-- I've had more than one serious dispute with _Mrs._ Roper on the subject. [_JIMMIE softly whistles a few bars of "Rule, Britannia."_] Yesterday, by a coincidence-- [_feeling the outside of his breast-pocket_] letter from the wife-- full o' complaints-- haven't been to Bexhill, to her and the kids, for weeks. And to do Ellen Roper justice, she's not the woman to grumble without cause. [_Picking up his hat and cane which he has placed upon the centre table._] Dash it all, home ties _are_ home ties! [_Polishing his hat with his sleeve._] And, taking one consideration with another-- and after this-- this occurrence-- it's my intention for the future-- my firm intention----

LILY.

[_Running to ROPER and throwing her arms around his neck._] Oh, Uncle Lal, not altogether! We're tired and cross this morning! Not altogether!

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Behind the centre table._] No, no, Uncle, you mustn't----!

LILY.

[_To ROPER._] Forgive us! [_Coaxingly._] Mother and Jimmie are cats----!

MRS. UPJOHN AND JIMMIE.

Oh----!

[_The door on the left opens, and GLADYS enters with a card on a salver._

GLADYS.

[_Advancing to LILY._] Are you _in_?

LILY.

In?

GLADYS.

[_Surveying LILY with mingled disdain and pity._] Oh you _do_ look washed out!

LILY.

[_Going to GLADYS._] Never you mind whether I look washed out or not. Who is it?

[_LILY takes the card, reads some writing upon it, and stands twiddling the card in her fingers._

GLADYS.

They're in the dining-room.

LILY.

[_To GLADYS, after a pause._] W-wait outside-- on the landing.

GLADYS.

Oh, all right. _This_ won't get my silver cleaned.

[_GLADYS withdraws. LILY waits for the door to close and then walks about distractedly._

LILY.

Oh, why can't they leave me alone! What do they want with me now, both of them!

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Moving towards LILY._] 'Oo----?

LILY.

Nicko's downstairs-- with Lord Farncombe.

MRS. UPJOHN.

Lord Farncombe----!

ROPER.

And Jeyes!

LILY.

[_Reading the card again._] Nicko asks me to see him and the boy together. [_ROPER and MRS. UPJOHN go to LILY, one on each side of her, and try to read the card. She pushes them from her and sits in the arm-chair by the centre table._] I won't; I won't.

JIMMIE.

[_Joining MRS. UPJOHN and ROPER._] Yes, yes, Lil; do.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Bewildered._] Wot----?

JIMMIE.

Perhaps they've arrived at a friendly understanding----!

ROPER.

Understanding?

JIMMIE.

[_Excitedly._] And have come to propose that Lil should choose between them!

ROPER.

Great Scot----!

LILY.

I _have_ chosen; I _have_ chosen. It's settled.

ROPER.

_Undoubtedly_ she ought to see them.

LILY.

It's a shame to persecute me so-- a shame!

JIMMIE, MRS. UPJOHN, AND ROPER.

[_Behind LILY'S chair._] Lil! Lily----!

MRS. UPJOHN.

Give 'em a minute, dear.

ROPER.

Hear what they've got to _say_.

JIMMIE.

It _would_ be uncivil _not_ to.

LILY.

Oh--! Oh----!

JIMMIE. }

Buck up, Lil! }

ROPER. } [_To LILY, urgently._]

My pet! }

MRS. UPJOHN. }

'Ark to reason, dearie. }

JIMMIE, MRS. UPJOHN, AND ROPER.

Lil! Lily----!

LILY.

[_Yielding helplessly._] Oh, very well----

JIMMIE, MRS. UPJOHN, AND ROPER.

Ah----!

LILY.

Tell Gladys-- when I ring----

JIMMIE.

[_Flying to the door on the left._] I'll tell her.

ROPER.

[_To MRS. UPJOHN, importantly._] Lucky I was on the spot; lucky I was on the spot.

JIMMIE.

[_On the landing, to GLADYS._] Bring the gentlemen up when Miss Lily rings.

LILY.

[_Rising and pacing the room on the right._] Give me some stockings!

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Hurrying into the bedroom._] Yes, dearie. [_As she disappears._] Maud----!

JIMMIE.

[_Returning and closing the door and then whispering to ROPER._] Bet my boots that's it!

ROPER.

[_To JIMMIE, in a whisper._] Choose between 'em!

JIMMIE.

What else can it be?

ROPER.

_I_ can't----

JIMMIE.

[_Throwing herself into ROPER'S arms._] Oh, if it _is_!

ROPER.

[_Hugging her._] Oh----!

JIMMIE.

[_Suddenly, releasing herself._] Oh----! [_Haughtily._] Thought you were Lily.

[_MRS. UPJOHN returns, carrying a pair of stockings. LILY seats herself upon the fauteuil-stool where, concealed by the centre table, she draws on the stockings with MRS. UPJOHN'S assistance._

LILY.

[_Whimpering._] Oh--! Oh----!

MRS. UPJOHN.

Don't, dearie; don't. Mother's _'ere_.

ROPER.

[_Impatiently._] I-- ah-- I think I'll run downstairs and shake hands with Jeyes and Farncombe while Lily's tidying herself.

JIMMIE.

[_Who has moved over to the right-- to ROPER._] Be careful. I should advise you not to risk it.

ROPER.

[_At the door._] Risk it?

JIMMIE.

If Nicko knows you were the cause of his being shut out of the party last night, he'll simply throttle you.

ROPER.

[_Opening the door._] Throttle _me_! [_Formidably._] Throttle Lal Roper----!

[_He disappears, closing the door, as MAUD enters from the bedroom with a pair of shoes._

LILY.

[_Weakly._] Oh! Oh! Oh! Get me something to keep these up with.

JIMMIE.

[_To MAUD._] Ribbon----

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Snatching the shoes from MAUD._] Ribbon.

[_MAUD opens one of the drawers underneath the further cupboard on the left and finds a roll of bright, new ribbon, while JIMMIE, searching among the objects on the centre table, discovers the case of manicure instruments and takes from it a pair of scissors._

LILY.

[_Putting on her shoes-- to MRS. UPJOHN._] No, no; that's the left foot-- oh----!

MRS. UPJOHN.

Don't agitate yourself, dearie. Mother's _'ere_.

[_MAUD comes to the centre table with the ribbon and JIMMIE cuts off two lengths from the roll._

MAUD.

[_To JIMMIE._] Morning, Miss Jimmie!

JIMMIE.

[_To MAUD._] Morning!

LILY.

[_To MRS. UPJOHN._] Where's the mirror? Where's the mirror?

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Taking the mirror from the table and giving it to LILY._] 'Ere it is, dearie; 'ere it is. An' _I'm_ 'ere too.

LILY.

[_Viewing herself in the mirror and running her hand over her hair._] Oh, how horrid I look! [_JIMMIE goes to LILY with the two lengths of ribbon and MAUD replaces the roll in the drawer._] Ring the bell. [_JIMMIE hands LILY the garters, relieving her of the mirror, and MRS. UPJOHN hastens to the fireplace and presses the bell-push continuously._] That'll do, Maud; _you_ hook it.

MAUD.

[_Going to the bedroom door._] Ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho! That's how I like to hear her talk. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

[_MAUD vanishes into the bedroom, closing the door, and LILY, having tied up her stockings, rises and comes to the settee._

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Still pressing the bell-push._] _Now_ I don't believe I've rung.

LILY.

[_At the uttermost tension._] Ah, stop it, mother; stop it! [_Sitting on the settee._] We're not calling the fire-brigade.

JIMMIE.

[_At the back of the settee, to LILY._] I'll wait in your bedroom till the men have been shown up, and sneak out that way. [_Bending over LILY._] Mind! If Nicko _is_ willing, after all, that you should make your choice----

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Advancing._] Yes, dearie, if 'e _is_ willing----

LILY.

[_Frantically._] I tell you I _have_ made it. I keep on telling you _I've chosen-- I've chosen-- I've chosen!_ [_Clenching her hands._] If you torment me any more, either of you----!

[_MRS. UPJOHN and JIMMIE retreat precipitately to the bedroom door. They open the door and then, standing in the doorway, listen intently._

JIMMIE.

[_Disappearing._] Ah----!

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Partially disappearing._] Ah--! [_Only her head visible, speaking to LILY in a hoarse whisper._] Mother's _'ere_, dearie.

[_The head is withdrawn and the door softly closed. After a pause, GLADYS enters at the other door followed by JEYES and FARNCOMBE. The men are carrying their hats and canes. GLADYS retires, closing the door, and JEYES comes to LILY and shakes hands with her._

JEYES.

[_To LILY, gently._] How are you to-day, Lil? Very fagged?

LILY.

[_Almost inaudibly._] I _am_ a little. [_JEYES turns from her, to lay his hat and cane upon the box-ottoman, and then FARNCOMBE, who has hung back, advances hesitatingly to the further side of the centre table and bows to LILY. She rises and, avoiding his eyes, gives him a limp hand across the table._] How d'ye do? [_To JEYES who, having got rid of his hat and cane, moves away from the ottoman._] Sit down, won't you? [_She resumes her seat upon the settee and JEYES, with a nod, sits in the arm-chair by the centre table. FARNCOMBE remains standing and again she addresses him without meeting his eyes._] And you?

[_FARNCOMBE, with another bow, sits upon the fauteuil-stool. There is a brief silence and then JEYES speaks._

JEYES.

Lil----

LILY.

Y-yes?

JEYES.

In the first place, Farncombe wants you distinctly to understand how it is he's committing this breach of his compact with you. [_To FARNCOMBE._] You promised----?

FARNCOMBE.

I promised never to attempt to come near Miss Parradell again, nor even to enter the theatre.

JEYES.

[_To LILY._] And if I'm any judge of a man, Lily, Farncombe would have kept his promise. He'd have kept it faithfully, but for _me_. I've brought him along-- insisted on it. [_Emphatically._] _I've brought him along._ See?

LILY.

W-w-why, Nicko?

JEYES.

I'll tell you, my dear. You remember, when we left you early this morning, ordering us to walk away together and to part good friends?

LILY.

P-perfectly.

JEYES.

Well, we did walk away together, and we did part good friends. But we didn't part at all till some hours later, in his rooms. We didn't part till I'd made him stand by me and listen to me while I had a long jaw with my brother on the 'phone.

LILY.

[_Wonderingly._] With-- your----?

JEYES.

About that Rhodesian business.

LILY.

What Rhodesian business?

JEYES.

I mentioned it to you yesterday. Bob owns a third, with Peter Chalmers and Tom Dalby, of a group of farms near Bulawayo, and he's been badgering me eternally to cut this and to settle out there as their agent. [_Simply._] And I've accepted, old girl.

LILY.

[_With a blank face._] Ac-cepted?

JEYES.

[_Grimly._] Leaving you to bring an action against me, to recover damages for a broken heart. [_Drawing a deep breath._] Yes, I'm chucking you, Lil. I give you formal notice of my intention; and you can drive down to your solicitors this afternoon and instruct them to writ me without delay. [_Forcing a laugh._] Ha, ha, ha!

LILY.

[_Faintly._] Nicko----!

JEYES.

Unless-- unless you've an idea of consoling yourself shortly with-- with another chap, and prefer not to carry the matter into Court.

LILY.

[_About to rise._] Nicko----!

JEYES.

[_Restraining her by a gesture._] H'sh! No, no, no. [_She sinks back._] Ah, Lil-- Lil-- I know you're full of generous, honest impulses, though I _did_ tear you to rags in Farncombe's hearing a few hours ago. But I'm not going to allow you to sacrifice yourself to them; I-- I-- I've come to my senses, and I'm not going to permit it. [_Bending forward._] Oh, my dear, why should I make you pay for the weaknesses of my character? Because that's what it 'ud amount to. I've bullied you for having played skittles with my life, my career. So you _have_! Damn it, so you have! But you've done it out of blind thoughtlessness; and if I'd been a fairly strong man, with some ballast in me, you _couldn't_ have landed me where I am-- not you nor fifty Pandora girls! [_Sitting erect._] And that-- that's the moral of the tale; and-- and-- [_abruptly, to FARNCOMBE_] There's nothing more, is there, Farncombe?

FARNCOMBE.

[_Brokenly._] Except that-- that I'd like to repeat-- what I've already said to Jeyes-- that I-- [_his elbows on the table, his head bowed_] oh, you make me feel terribly small, Jeyes.

[_Again there is a pause, and then LILY struggles to her feet and holds out her hand to JEYES uncertainly, and at once he rises and takes her in his arms. FARNCOMBE also rises and, standing behind the settee, turns his back to JEYES and LILY._

LILY.

[_To JEYES, choking._] Ah, Nicko-- I can't-- I can't----

JEYES.

[_Patting her shoulder._] Ah----!

LILY.

Why, what-- what would become of my resolutions----?

JEYES.

Resolutions?

LILY.

To-- to raise you _up_, Nicko.

JEYES.

You _are_ raising me up-- setting me on my legs again.

LILY.

[_In a fright._] And-- and drawing Eddie into my net!

JEYES.

Oh, we've talked of that too, he and I. He's given me an account of what passed between you here. My dear girl, your conscience may be quite clear on that point. Nobody can ever reproach _you_ with trying to draw him into your net.

LILY.

They _would_-- they _would_----

JEYES.

At all events, the task you have to face now is to prove to the world-- _his_ world-- that Miss Parradell is equal to playing "lead" on a bigger stage than the stage of the Pandora. [_Holding her at arms' length and shaking her fondly._] And you'll _do_ it! Ho, ho, ho, ho! _You'll_ do it! Ha, ha, ha--! [_His voice dies away miserably and he releases her. Then, pulling himself together, he looks at his watch._] Well, I've got to lunch with Bob at half-past one at the Junior Carlton----

LILY.

[_Agitatedly._] Ah, it's not nearly that, Nicko; it's not nearly that! Nicko--! [_She passes him, moving towards the door on the left as if to intercept him, and then turns to him. A strip of ribbon lies upon the spot where she has been standing. After gazing at it for a moment, he stoops and picks it up._] Oh--! [_He folds the ribbon carefully and puts it into his pocket._] Oh--! [_Hitching up her stocking through her robe, piteously._] Ha, ha!

JEYES.

Ha, ha, ha----!

[_They face one another, laughing, and then she sits upon the fauteuil-stool and drops her head upon the table and he fetches his hat and cane from the box-ottoman._

LILY.

[_Weeping._] Nicko-- Nicko----!

JEYES.

[_Coming to her._] Oh, this isn't good-bye, Lil, not by any manner o' means, my dear. We'll kill the fatted calf several times before I start-- you, I, and the boy. Besides, by-and-by, you and he must take a trip and come out to see me. "Seringa Vale" is the farm where I shall be quartered, Bob tells me. [_Looking into space._] Jermyn Street to Seringa Vale! [_Shaking himself._] Ph'h, there are no great distances in these days! [_To FARNCOMBE, with a change of tone._] Farncombe-- [_FARNCOMBE comes forward._] You dine with me to-night, recollect; it's an engagement.

FARNCOMBE.

Yes.

JEYES.

Eight o'clock.

FARNCOMBE.

Eight o'clock.

JEYES.

Catani's.

FARNCOMBE.

Catani's.

[_Without looking at LILY again, JEYES goes to the door and opens it. FARNCOMBE follows him and the two men halt in the doorway._

JEYES.

[_To FARNCOMBE, with a motion of his head towards LILY._] And afterwards-- _you_ fetch her from the theatre and take her home. That's _your_ job.

LILY.

[_Rising._] Oh----!

[_FARNCOMBE goes out on to the landing with JEYES and parts from him at the top of the stairs. Then FARNCOMBE slowly returns, closes the door, and finds LILY sitting upon the settee in a woeful attitude._

FARNCOMBE.

[_Coming to LILY and standing before her, thoughtfully._] Lily----

LILY.

[_Feebly._] Eh-- eh----?

FARNCOMBE.

I'm afraid there's one thing finer than winning the woman you love and, when you've won her, being prepared to go through fire and water for her.

LILY.

What's that?

FARNCOMBE.

Having the courage to give her up, as Jeyes has done.

LILY.

[_With a renewed outburst._] Oh, Nicko! Poor Nicko! Poor Nicko!

FARNCOMBE.

[_Sitting beside her and taking her hand consolingly._] By George, he's a brick, isn't he!

LILY.

[_After a pause, drying her eyes._] Eddie----

FARNCOMBE.

Yes?

LILY.

If-- if ever we marry----

FARNCOMBE.

[_His jaw falling._] _If----!_

LILY.

W-w-when, then. When we marry, you'll be obliged to resign your commission in the Guards, won't you?

FARNCOMBE.

[_Snapping his fingers._] P'sh! I shan't care a rap about that.

LILY.

[_Snatching her hand away._] The snobs! The snobs! They'd let you marry any bit of trash in your own set; but a Pandora girl, though she's as pure as the Queen of England----! Oh, the contemptible snobs!

FARNCOMBE.

[_Regaining possession of her hand._] H'sh! H'sh! It-- it's the practice----

LILY.

Blow the practice! A cheerful reflection for _me_, it'll be. The arrant snobs!

FARNCOMBE.

[_Stroking her hand._] Ah! Ah!

LILY.

And then-- poor mother! You-- you won't be very proud of poor mother.

FARNCOMBE.

Your mother? [_Boyishly._] Oh, she-- she's an awfully good sort.

LILY.

She hasn't an H. to her name.

FARNCOMBE.

[_Inadvertently._] She _oughtn't_ to have.

LILY.

[_Withdrawing her hand again, sharply._] She calls herself _H_upjohn, you mean!

FARNCOMBE.

[_Distressed._] No, no, no. [_In a difficulty._] Er-- at any rate, h's don't lead you to heaven, do they?

LILY.

[_Gloomily._] You're right; mother's lead _her_ to _'eaven_. [_Rising and walking away._] Well, you'd better go now.

FARNCOMBE.

[_Rising._] And to-night----?

LILY.

No; I'll come home alone.

FARNCOMBE.

Lily----!

LILY.

[_Imperatively._] Please----!

FARNCOMBE.

When----?

LILY.

[_Moving to the door on the left._] Not for two or three days. Give me time to shake down over this.

FARNCOMBE.

[_Taking up his hat and cane which he has left upon the centre table._] Sunday?

LILY.

[_Fretfully._] No.

FARNCOMBE.

Monday?

LILY.

[_Opening the door._] No.

FARNCOMBE.

[_Joining her at the door._] Tuesday?

LILY.

[_Appealingly._] I-- I'll write. [_Again he takes her hand, she keeping him at a distance. He attempts to lessen the distance, but she checks him, shaking her head._] Not just yet, Eddie. [_He smiles at her tenderly and, with a bow, departs. From the doorway, she watches him disappear; then she shuts the door and wanders listlessly to the door of the bedroom. Her hand lingers upon the knob for a moment, and then she opens the door a little way and calls._] Mother! Mother----!

[_She leaves the door and is returning to the settee when MRS. UPJOHN enters._

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_All agog._] Yes, Lil? [_LILY seats herself upon the settee without speaking._] Yes, dearie; yes? [_Advancing to the centre table._] 'Ave they given you your choice?

LILY.

[_Dully._] No; they've given me no choice.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Advancing further._] Wot----?

LILY.

Nicko's going out to South Africa, mother.

MRS. UPJOHN.

South Africa!

LILY.

Well, to Rhodesia.

MRS. UPJOHN.

Then you're free, Lil!

LILY.

No, I'm not.

MRS. UPJOHN.

Not!

LILY.

Nicko-- Nicko's handed me over, mother.

MRS. UPJOHN.

'Anded you over!

LILY.

To-- to Lord Farncombe.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Gasping._] An' you an' the young gentleman----!

LILY.

I-- I suppose so.

MRS. UPJOHN.

Oh--! [_Sinking into the arm chair by the centre table._] Oh, the dear Captain!

LILY.

[_Transferring herself from the settee to MRS. UPJOHN'S lap._] Oh! Oh! Oh! [_Putting her arms round MRS. UPJOHN'S neck._] Oh, poor Nicko!

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Soothingly._] 'E'll 'ave 'is reward, Lil; 'e'll 'ave 'is reward 'ereafter.

LILY.

And poor Carlton Smythe! Oh, poor Carlton!

MRS. UPJOHN.

Poor Carlton----?

LILY.

He's losing every one of his best girls, mother. Gwennie Harker-- Maidie Trevail-- Eva Shafto-- and now _me_! Oh, poor Carlton!

MRS. UPJOHN.

'Ush, dearie; 'ush! Don't consider _'im_! [_Rocking LILY to and fro like a baby._] Think-- think wot a lot o' good you're all doin' to the aristocracy!

[_The door on the left opens and JIMMIE and ROPER look in gleefully and then tiptoe towards LILY and MRS. UPJOHN._

THE END.

_All applications respecting amateur performances of this play must be made to Sir Arthur Pinero's agents, Samuel French, Limited, Southampton St., London, W.C._

Printed By Ballantyne & Company Ltd At The Ballantyne Press Tavistock Street Covent Garden London

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

ERRATA (noted by transcriber)

First Act: I prophesy that Mr. Morgan's picture _text has comma for period_ N-n-o, thank you, Captain, and I-- I'm afraid---- _text has "I I-I'm afraid----": changed to match all others_

Second Act: STIDULPH has seated himself wearily in the armchair _text unchanged: everywhere else hyphenated "arm-chair"_ It _is_ a pleasure, meeting all you girls to-night. _hyphen invisible_ Karl---- _text has no visible punctuation after "Karl"_

Third Act: [_Gazing at DAPHNE stupidly ..._ _"at" printed in Roman (non-italic) type_ Say you'll take time to consider. _final period missing or invisible_

End of Project Gutenberg's The 'Mind the Paint' Girl, by Arthur Pinero