Chapter 3

I've a very charming dwelling, (You know where without the telling) Decorated in a style that's rather quaint! Smart and quaint! When you pay my house a visit, You may scrutinise or quiz it, But you mustn't touch the paint! Brand-new paint! Mind the paint! Mind the paint! (No matter whether Maple's bills are settled or they ain't!) Once you smear it or you scratch it, It's impossible to match it; So take care, please, of the paint-- of the paint!

[_Rising and coming to the middle of the room, LILY repeats the refrain, dancing to it gracefully. JIMMIE also rises and she, ROPER, VON RETTENMAYER, and DE CASTRO join in the chorus and the dance, the three men very extravagantly. FARNCOMBE looks on, enraptured, while MRS. UPJOHN beats time with her hands._

LILY.

[_Singing._]

I'm possessed of all the graces, Oh, a perfect dr-r-r-ream my face is! (It may owe to Art a trifle or it mayn't H'm, it mayn't!) And I'll cry out for assistance. Should you fail to keep your distance, Goodness gracious, mind the paint! Mind the paint! Mind the paint! Mind the paint! A girl is not a sinner just because she's not a saint! But my heart shall hold you dearer-- You may come a little nearer-- If you'll _only_ mind the paint-- mind the paint!

[_The refrain is repeated as before, MRS. UPJOHN rising and taking a share in it. Then LILY drops on to the settee before the writing-table, laughing and holding up her hands in protest._

LILY.

No more, boys! [_ROPER, VON RETTENMAYER, and DE CASTRO gather round her, applauding her and urging her to continue._] No, no; no more! I've had such a stiff day----

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_With sudden energy, to everybody._] Out you go, all of you; out you go!

JIMMIE.

[_To the men._] Come on; let's mizzle. [_Shaking hands with FARNCOMBE._] Cruel of us to tire her so.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Tapping VON RETTENMAYER on the shoulder._] Now, then, Baron!

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Shaking hands with LILY._] I'm goming.

JIMMIE.

[_Taking VON RETTENMAYER to the door._] Well, _gome_!

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Pulling ROPER away from LILY._] Now, Uncle!

ROPER.

[_Adjusting his coat._] Mind the paint, Ma.

JIMMIE.

[_Calling out._] Good-bye, Lil!

LILY.

[_As she shakes hands with DE CASTRO, calling to JIMMIE._] Good-bye!

[_JIMMIE and VON RETTENMAYER disappear._

MRS. UPJOHN.

Now, Mr. de Castro! [_Moving with ROPER towards the door._] 'Owever d'ye think she's goin' to get through her work to-night!

DE CASTRO.

[_Pausing to comb his moustache._] Quite right, Ma---- [_thoughtlessly_] and a thupper and a danthe afterwardth.

ROPER.

[_Turning upon him quickly._] Sssh! [_In a low voice._] Dam fool!

DE CASTRO.

[_Clapping his hand to his mouth._] Oh----!

[_They glance at JEYES who, hearing de Castro's remark, has left the window and come forward a step or two._

ROPER.

[_Uneasily._] Er-- good-bye, Nicko.

DE CASTRO.

[_To JEYES, in the same way._] G-good-bye.

JEYES.

[_To both, dryly._] Good-bye.

BLAND.

[_Talking to LILY, neither of them having heard de Castro's slip._] That jingle-- an echo of old times, eh?

LILY.

[_Looking up at him._] Yes, but not better times than these times, Vin?

BLAND.

[_Sadly, holding her hand._] Ah, Lil, there are so many tunes in life left for _you_, my dear!

ROPER.

[_At the door, with MRS. UPJOHN and DE CASTRO-- to BLAND._] Come along, Vincent.

[_BLAND joins the group at the door as FARNCOMBE approaches LILY._

FARNCOMBE.

[_Shaking hands with her._] Thank you. [_With fervour._] Glorious!

LILY.

[_Reproachfully._] For shame!

FARNCOMBE.

I mean it.

LILY.

T'sh! [_Lightly._] See you again some day, perhaps?

FARNCOMBE.

Ah, yes--

ROPER.

[_Calling to FARNCOMBE._] Coming our way, Farncombe?

[_ROPER, BLAND, and DE CASTRO depart. FARNCOMBE bows to LILY and makes for the door._

FARNCOMBE.

[_To JEYES._] Good-bye, Captain Jeyes.

JEYES.

[_Who has wandered to the entrance to the conservatory, where he is now standing with his back to the room-- half turning._] Good-bye.

FARNCOMBE.

[_Shaking hands with MRS. UPJOHN._] Delightful! Enjoyed myself amazingly.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Graciously._] Oh, we're always glad when a few folks pop in-- [_he wrings her hand_] if they don't over-stay their welcome.

FARNCOMBE.

Naturally. [_Hurriedly._] Good-bye. [_He vanishes._

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Remaining at the door._] Captain----

JEYES.

[_Advancing._] I want just half a dozen words with Lily, Mrs. Upjohn.

LILY.

[_To MRS. UPJOHN._] Tell Maud to put out my old green frock, mother; I'll be up in a minute or two.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_To JEYES._] Now, you won't keep 'er longer, will you?

JEYES.

[_Grimly._] No, no; I know she won't be in bed till four o'clock to-morrow morning at the earliest. [_MRS. UPJOHN goes out, closing the door, and Jeyes comes to LILY._] So Smythe is giving you a grand feed to-night at the theatre, Lil?

LILY.

[_Arranging the pillows on the settee._] In the foyer.

JEYES.

And a dance, it appears.

LILY.

[_Yawning._] Oh-h-h-h! [_Lying upon the settee at full length._] Who told _you_, grumpy?

JEYES.

Roper and your mother told me about the supper. _You_ didn't.

LILY.

Ha, ha! You were in such a vile mood last night, coming home.

JEYES.

Who will there be to dance _with_ to-night?

LILY.

The men of the Company.

JEYES.

That doesn't sound very inspiring.

LILY.

Rather school-treaty, isn't it!

JEYES.

Nobody from outside?

LILY.

No; it's to be only the men in the theatre and the principal ladies.

JEYES.

_Roper's_ going.

LILY.

Uncle Lal? Oh, well, he's hardly from outside.

JEYES.

And de Castro.

LILY.

Sam?

JEYES.

I'm sure of it, from something I heard him say just now.

LILY.

Sam used to finance Carlton. I suppose they reckon _him_ one of us.

JEYES.

[_Sitting in the chair in the middle of the room._] Smythe might have extended the compliment to _me_, Lil. He knows how I stand towards you.

LILY.

Awfully sorry; _I_ can't help it.

JEYES.

[_Twining his fingers together._] You see, if Roper and de Castro are asked, there may be others.

LILY.

[_Changing her position._] Oh, lal, lal, lal, lal, la!

JEYES.

[_With a set jaw._] Some of the more juvenile "boys," perhaps. [_Examining his nails._] Lil.

LILY.

What?

JEYES.

When did you make the acquaintance of the young sprig o' the nobility who's been here this afternoon?

LILY.

Lord Farncombe? Bertie brought him and introduced him one day last week.

JEYES.

Ha! _He's_ at your feet now.

LILY.

Phuh!

JEYES.

Oh, you may "phuh"! He's in front every blessed night. There he sits, Row B., three stalls from the end, prompt side!

LILY.

There are a few good-looking girls at the Pandora besides your humble servant.

JEYES.

Rubbish! His glass follows you all over the stage. I watched him talking to you in this room----

LILY.

[_Raising herself._] Did you indeed!

JEYES.

[_Beating his clenched hands upon the arms of his chair._] God in heaven! First it's one, then it's another, chasing you!

LILY.

[_Putting her feet to the ground._] Oh, you're maddening, Nicko! You _are_; you're maddening. Last night it was Stewie Heneage you chose to be jealous of, simply because you'd heard him sounding my praises at Catani's! You almost broke the window of the car, you went on so!

JEYES.

I confess I object to Heneage, or any man, raving about you at the top of his voice in a public place.

LILY.

Sakes alive, why _shouldn't_ Stewie rave about me in a public place, if he feels like it! I belong to the public. He might rave about a girl who's a jolly sight less deserving of being raved about, as a girl _and_ an artist, than I am.

JEYES.

Well, we'll dismiss Heneage.

LILY.

Yes, exit Stewie and enter somebody else for you fuss and fume about. This afternoon it's Lord Farncombe, and to-morrow it'll be a fresh person altogether. One 'ud think, to hear you, that I don't know how to take care of myself, and of any poor boy who loses his head over me! [_Rising and walking away._] You're growing worse and worse with your jealousy, Nicko. Stop it! I'm surprised at you, after all these years! It's beginning to fret me, and that's bad for my spirits and bad for me in business. [_At the tea-table, grabbing a piece of bread-and-butter and biting at it._] And now you're making me spoil my dinner-- [_relenting_] and that's not good for me either, you brute!

JEYES.

[_His hands hanging loosely between his knees, sighing heavily._] Oh, Lily, Lily----!

LILY.

Yes, oh, Lily, Lily!

JEYES.

Why-- why don't you put me out of my misery?

LILY.

[_Munching._] Poison you?

JEYES.

Marry me.

LILY.

[_Behind his chair._] Marry you? [_Taking his handkerchief from his breast-pocket and wiping her fingers upon it-- sarcastically._] Have you come to tell me you've got some work to do at last? Break it gently, Nicko; the shock might be too great for me.

JEYES.

Oh, _I'd_ find a billet soon enough, Lil, if only I'd an incentive to hunt for it.

LILY.

Incentive! You _had_ an incentive twelve months ago, when I was willing to engage myself to you absolutely if you could obtain a good secretaryship or something of the sort.

JEYES.

I-- I've no fancy for a beggarly secretaryship.

LILY.

No; all _you've_ a fancy for, seemingly, is for living on your unfortunate people. [_Throwing him his handkerchief and leaving him._] How a man of your age can rest satisfied with being a burden to others passes my dull comprehension!

JEYES.

I-- I _have_ been a bit slack, I own-- I _have_ been a bit leisurely; but----

LILY.

[_Inspecting some of the flowers about the room._] Nicko, that pendant, or whatever it is, you've given me-- I don't want to hurt you, but I won't accept it. You take it away with you; do you hear?

JEYES.

[_Not heeding her, weakly._] Lil----

LILY.

I'm in earnest; you remove it from off my premises.

JEYES.

Lil-- [_she returns to him_] my eldest brother-- Robert-- [_looking up at her_] Bob-- [_She nods inquiringly._] Bob's at me to go out to Rhodesia, to manage a group of stock farms he's interested in near Bulawayo.

LILY.

Oh, why don't you go?

JEYES.

[_Forlornly._] Rhodesia! Bulawayo! [_Looking up at her again with a dismal smile._] Come with me?

LILY.

Don't be absurd.

JEYES.

[_Rising and putting his hands upon her shoulders._] No, you wouldn't care a straw-- not a brass farthing-- if I _did_ go, would yer!

LILY.

[_Softening again._] Stuff! I should miss you horribly. [_Toying with a button of his waistcoat._] Who'd bring me home from the theatre at night then, and from rehearsals; who----?

JEYES.

Ah, _who_! [_His grip tightening on her._] _Who!_

LILY.

[_Wincing._] Ssss! You'll bruise my skin if you're not careful.

JEYES.

[_Taking her hand and crumpling it in his._] Well, it might be that you'd miss me for a while-- the old dog that you're accustomed to find lying on your door-mat; [_pressing her hand to his lips_] but you don't _love_ me, Lil-- not even as much as you did a year ago. You don't _love_ me!

LILY.

[_With a faint shrug of her shoulders._] Perhaps I don't, in the way you mean; [_wistfully_] perhaps it's not in me really to love anybody in a marrying way. [_Meeting his eyes._] Still, as you say----

JEYES.

As I say----?

LILY.

[_Pursing her mouth at him winningly._] I'm _accustomed_ to you, Nicko. [_He draws her to him; but, with a laugh, she checks him by offering him her head to kiss._] There-- [_putting the point of her finger playfully on the crown of her head_] you may _there_. [_As he kisses her._] Now I must run upstairs, or mother'll whack me.

JEYES.

[_Detaining her._] Won't you allow me to fetch you after the dance?

LILY.

Three or four in the morning! No; I'll give you a rest. Uncle Lal or Sam'll take on your job. [_Going to the door._] And don't try to see me to-morrow.

JEYES.

[_Sharply._] Why not?

LILY.

Not till you turn up at night as usual. I shall be a shocking rag all day.

JEYES.

[_Breaking out._] Yes, I expect you'll manage to enjoy yourself thoroughly, and dance yourself off your feet, whoever your partners may be!

LILY.

[_Wilfully._] Expect I shall. [_Tossing her head up._] Ha, ha! I'll do my best.

[_She departs, leaving him standing near the tea-table. He takes out his handkerchief and mops his brow. As he does so, his eyes rest upon the telephone-instrument on the writing-table and he stares at it. He hesitates, as if struggling to resist an impulse; then he goes quickly to the instrument and puts the receiver to his ear._

JEYES.

[_After a pause._] Gerrard, three, eight, four, eight. [_Discovering that LILY has left the door wide open, he lays the receiver upon the writing-table and goes to the door and shuts it. Then he returns to the writing-table and again listens at the receiver._] Is that the office of the Pandora Theatre?... [_Suddenly, imitating the voice of DE CASTRO._] Ith Mithter Morrith Cooling in?... I'm Mithter de Castro ... Tham de Castro ... Gone, ith he?... Oh, ith that you, Mithter Hickthon?... Yeth, you'll do ... About the thupper-party to-night that Mithter Smythe ith giving to Mith Parradell ... Yer there?... I didn't quite underthtand whether ith to be at the theatre or at a rethtaurong ... At the theatre?... Oh, yeth ... A largth party?... Oh, that _ith_ nithe!... Who are the guesth, d'ye know?... Yeth?... Yeth?... Oh, an' the boyth!... oh, thome o' the _boyth_ are comin', are they!... Hey?... Haven't got the litht from Mithter Roper yet?... Oh, _he'th_ been helpin' to get it up!... Oh, we _shall_ have a thplendid time!... The boyth!... Yeth!... Yeth!... ha, ha, ha, ha!... thankth.... goo'bye!

[_He replaces the receiver and stands looking at the door for a moment. Then, with his head bent and his hands clasped behind him, he goes slowly out._

END OF THE FIRST ACT.

THE SECOND ACT

_The scene is an artistically decorated refreshment-saloon-- or "foyer"-- on the first-circle floor of a theatre. The wall facing the spectator is panelled partly in glass, and through the glazed panels the corridor behind the circle, and the doors admitting to the circle, are seen. The right-hand wall is panelled in a similar way, showing the landing at the top of the principal staircase and an entrance to the corridor. Some music-stands and stools are on the landing, arranged for a small orchestra._

_In the right-hand wall there is a double swing-door giving on to the landing; and in the wall at the back, opening on to, and from, the corridor, there is a single swing-door on the left and another on the right. The left-hand door is fastened back into the saloon by a hook. Between the two doors in the back wall runs the refreshment-counter._

_In one of the further corners of the saloon there is a plaster statue representing the Muse of Comedy, in the opposite corner a companion figure of Dancing. In the wall on the left, the grate hidden by flowers, is a fireplace with a fender-stool before it, and on either side of the fireplace there is a capacious and richly upholstered arm-chair. A settee of like design stands against the wall on the right between the double-door and the spectator._

_The counter is decked-out as a sideboard, and at equal distances from each other there are four round tables laid for a supper-party of twenty-six persons. There are eight chairs at one table and six at each of the others, the chairs being of the sort usually supplied by ball-caterers._

_The saloon and the landing without are brilliantly lighted, the corridor less brightly._

[_LUIGI and four waiters-- one of whom has a curly head and a fair beard ending in two flamboyant points-- are putting the finishing touches to the laying of the tables, while MORRIS COOLING, a person of imposing presence displaying a vast expanse of shirt-front, is engaged in placing upon each of the serviettes a card bearing the name of a guest._

COOLING.

[_Referring to a plan of the tables which he has in his hand._] Miss Connify-- Miss Connify-- Miss Connify-- where's Miss Connify? Ah, here you are, my dear-- [_moving to MISS CONNIFY'S chair and putting a card upon her serviette_] next to old Arthur.

[_The four waiters, obeying a direction in dumb-show from LUIGI, go out at the door on the left._

LUIGI.

[_A little, dark, active man-- viewing the tables with satisfaction._] Tables look nice, Mr. Cooling?

COOLING.

[_Absorbed._] Not bad-- not bad-- not bad. [_LUIGI follows the waiters._] Miss Kato? [_Moving to another table and laying a card upon a serviette._] Gabrielle.

[_ROPER bustles in through the double-door, in high feather._

ROPER.

Hul-lo! [_Cutting a caper._] Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and how are you to-morrow!

COOLING.

[_Deep in his plan of the tables._] Hullo, Lal!

ROPER.

[_Surveying the tables._] Splendid! [_Going from one table to another._] Seating 'em, hey?

COOLING.

Mr. Palk-- Mr. Palk-- Mr. Palk? [_Placing another card._] Albert.

ROPER.

Which d'ye make your principal table?

COOLING.

There it is; you're at it.

ROPER.

Ah, yes. [_Examining the cards._] "Miss Lily Parradell--"! [_His jaw falling._] Why, you've gone and put the Baron on her right!

COOLING.

[_Unconsciously._] Well, what's the objection?

ROPER.

Where's Farncombe? Where's Lord Farncombe?

COOLING.

On the other side, with Dolly Stidulph and Enid.

ROPER.

Rats!

COOLING.

What do you mean by Rats? [_Advancing to the principal table-- nettled._] Look heah, Lal----!

ROPER.

My dear fellow, Miss Parradell is the heroine o' the party; the seat next to her is the seat of honour.

COOLING.

That's why I've put the Baron there. With things as they are between England and Germany----

ROPER.

If Germany doesn't like it, she must lump it. Lord Farncombe's the eldest son of an Earl; you can't get over that.

COOLING.

[_Picking up FARNCOMBE'S card._] Oh, have it your own way.

ROPER.

[_Picking up VON RETTENMAYER'S card._] Besides, the Baron's sweet on Enid just now; I'm sure he'd prefer-- [_They exchange the cards and rearrange them._] thanks, ol' man. Sorry I was shirty.

COOLING.

[_Laying down his plan and cards and producing a letter from his breast-pocket._] By-the-bye, the fair Lily-- the heroine of the party, as you call her-- is in a pretty tantrum over the whole business.

ROPER.

Tantrum?

COOLING.

[_Unfolding the letter._] Had this from her ten minutes ago. Listen to _this_. [_Reading._] "My Dressing-room. 11-15. 80 degrees, with the windows open." [_In an injured tone._] Haw, so I should think!

ROPER.

[_Concerned._] What's amiss?

COOLING.

[_Reading._] "Morrie, you pig." [_ROPER whistles._] "Morrie, you pig. I should feel deeply indebted to you if you would kindly inform me why the devil you went out of your way to deceive me last night. You led me to suppose-- and so did that lying worm Lal Roper----" [_looking at ROPER_] _You._

ROPER.

Oh, lord!

COOLING.

[_Resuming._] "--that lying worm Lal Roper----"

ROPER.

[_Testily._] All right, all right.

COOLING.

"--you both led me to suppose that this rotten banquet was to be a family gathering of the ladies and gentlemen of the Pandora Theatre, and no outsiders asked. Now I find that only three or four of the men of the Company are invited, and I hear from Nita Trevenna, who has got it from young Kennedy, that several of the Boys are to be laid on for the occasion. The result is you have made me tell a regular whopper to a particular friend of mine with regard to this affair----"

ROPER.

[_Passing his hand over his brow._] Nicko Jeyes.

COOLING.

"--which I will never forgive you for, Morris Cooling-- neither you nor Lal Roper. As true as I am alive, I have a jolly good mind not to show, but to put on my old rags and go straight home. You are two cads. So take it out of that and believe me, Always yours affectionately, Lil."

ROPER.

[_Walking about._] Well, I'm blessed!

COOLING.

[_Returning the letter to his pocket._] Haw! Tasty document!

ROPER.

Lying worm and a cad! And from Miss Lily Margaret Upjohn! [_To COOLING._] Done anything about it?

COOLING.

No; waited for you. [_Going on with his arrangements at the tables._] _You're_ responsible. What _I_ did last night was simply to oblige a pal.

ROPER.

[_Irresolutely._] I'd better run round to her, and try to smooth her down, hadn't I?

COOLING.

Perhaps you _had_. [_Placing a card._] Mr. Stewart Heneage. [_To ROPER._] Why you wanted to mislead the girl I can't understand.

ROPER.

Damn it, you agreed that that sulky brute Jeyes 'ud be a wet blanket! You blow hot and cold, you do!

COOLING.

There you go! More filthy temper!

ROPER.

If ever I assist in getting up another party----! [_As he reaches the door on the left, he encounters CARLTON SMYTHE, who is entering at that moment, and puts on his humourous manner._] Hul-lo! Here we are again! All change for Oxford Circus!

SMYTHE.

[_A bulky, sleepy-looking man with grey hair, a darker moustache and beard, and a heavy, rolling gait._] Ha, Lal!

ROPER.

I'm just going to have a word with Lil Parradell.

[_He disappears and SMYTHE advances._

COOLING.

[_Approaching SMYTHE._] How are you to-night, Chief?

SMYTHE.

[_A silk hat on the back of his head, an overcoat on his arm-- regarding the preparations with disgust._] Puh! Here's a muck and a muddle!

COOLING.

Don't worry; we'll clear it away in no time. Shall I tell you who are coming?

SMYTHE.

No; I shall know soon enough. What was the house to-night?

COOLING.

[_Producing a long slip of paper and handing it to SMYTHE._] Big. [_SMYTHE scans the paper through half-closed lids and gives a growl of contentment._] Haw! And the weather dead against us.

SMYTHE.

[_Screwing up the paper, and cramming it into his waistcoat-pocket._] There's no bad weather for a good play. [_Looking at his hands._] I'll go and have a wash and brush up. [_LUIGI returns, entering at the door on the left, and goes behind the counter. The waiters follow him, carrying some melons lying upon ice in plated dishes. They deposit the dishes upon the counter and LUIGI proceeds to cut the melon into slices. COOLING resumes, at a table on the left, the placing of the cards. As SMYTHE is moving towards the right-hand door at the back, STEWART HENEAGE and GERALD GRIMWOOD-- two exquisitely dressed youths with blank faces-- enter from the landing. SMYTHE shakes hands with them._] Ha, Mr. Heneage! Ha, Mr. Grimwood! [_HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD murmur some polite expressions._] Excuse me; I'm just going to wash my hands. [_DE CASTRO enters, also at the double-door, and SMYTHE shakes hands with him. HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD drift over to COOLING, who hails them warmly._] How do, Sam! Back in a moment; just going to wash my hands.

DE CASTRO.

[_Detaining him._] I thay, Carlton.

SMYTHE.

Eh?

DE CASTRO.

[_Lowering his voice._] I've been in front again to-night. Magnifithent! Marvellouth!

SMYTHE.

[_Resignedly._] It'll do; I shall get a couple o' years out of it.

DE CASTRO.

There'th jutht _one_ little improvement I'd like to thee, if I may thuggetht it.

SMYTHE.

What's that?

DE CASTRO.

[_Linking his arm in SMYTHE'S._] You're thure you won't conthider me prethumptuouth?

SMYTHE.

Of course not; very kind of yer.

DE CASTRO.

[_In SMYTHE'S ear._] If you _could_ give Gabth-- Mith Kato-- a tiny bit more to do in the thecond act----!

SMYTHE.

[_Nodding._] Ah, yes, yes.

DE CASTRO.

She'th a little lump o' talent, that gal, if you only realithed it; a perfect little lump o' talent.

SMYTHE.

[_Trying to escape._] Er-- I'll think it over.

DE CASTRO.