Chapter 12

Yes, analogies always have a very soothing effect. You will remark to a friend--or whoever may prove handy--something like this: "What do you want me to do anyhow? Suppose that Cecilia and I were living in a nice house, where we felt perfectly comfortable, and which had a splendid view that pleased us very much, and a wonderful garden where we liked to take walks together. And suppose that one of us should feel a desire sometime to pick strawberries in the woods beyond the fence. Should that be a reason for the other one to raise a cry all at once about faithlessness, or disgrace, or betrayal? Should that force us to sell the house and garden, or make us imagine that we could never more look out of the window together, or walk under our splendid trees? Merely because our strawberries happened to be growing on the other side of the fence..."

AMADEUS

And you would make me say that?

ALBERT

Do you fear it's too brilliant for you?--Oh, that wouldn't occur to anybody. Trust me to fix it. In such a play I can do nothing whatever with your musical talent. You see, I can't let you conduct your symphony for the benefit of the public. And so I get both myself and you out of it by putting into your character a little more sense and energy and consistency....

AMADEUS

Than God has given me originally.

ALBERT

Well, it's not very hard to compete with Him!

AMADEUS

I shall certainly be curious about one thing: how you mean to end that play.

ALBERT (_after a brief pause_)

Not very happily, my dear fellow.

AMADEUS (_a little staggered_)

Why?

ALBERT

It is characteristic of all transitional periods, that a conflict which might not exist to a later generation, must end tragically the moment a fairly decent person becomes involved in it.

AMADEUS

But there is no conflict.

ALBERT

I shall not shirk the duty of inventing one.

AMADEUS

Suppose you wait a little while yet...? Perhaps life itself might....

ALBERT

My dear chap, I am not at all interested in what may be done with us by this ridiculous reality which has to get along without stage manager or prompter--this reality which frequently never gets to the fifth act, merely because the hero happens to be struck on the head by a brick in the second. I make the curtain rise when the plot takes a diverting turn, and I drop it the moment I have proved myself in the right.

AMADEUS

Please, my dear fellow, don't forget when writing your play, to introduce a figure on which reality in this case has lavished much more care than on the hero--I mean, the fool.

ALBERT

You can't insult me in that way. I have always regarded myself as closely akin to him.

[_Marie enters with little Peter and the Governess._

PETER

Mamma is coming!

MARIE

The carriage has just stopped outside.

GOVERNESS

It was impossible to make the boy stay in bed.

ALBERT

And look at the fine flowers he has got!

PETER

That's for mamma!

AMADEUS (_takes a flower out of the bunch_)

I hope you permit, sonny ...

CECILIA (_enters followed by the Chambermaid_)

Good evening!--Oh, are you here, too? That's awfully nice!

PETER

Mamma!--Flowers!

CECILIA (_picks him up and kisses him_)

My boy! My boy! (_Then she shakes hands with the rest_)

AMADEUS (_handing her the single flower_)

Peter let me have one, too.

CECILIA

Thanks. (_She shakes hands with him; then to the chambermaid_) Get my things out of the carriage, please. The coachman will help you. He has been paid already.

CHAMBERMAID (_goes out_)

CECILIA (_taking off her hat_)

Well, Marie?... (_To the other two_) Can it be possible that you have been working?

ALBERT

We have tried.

CECILIA (_to the governess_)

Has he behaved like a little man?

PETER

Indeed I have! Have you brought anything for me?

CECILIA

Of course. But you won't get it until to-morrow morning.

PETER

Why not?

CECILIA

Because I am too tired to unpack. To-morrow, when you wake up, you'll find it on your little table.

PETER

What is it?

CECILIA

You'll see by and by....

PETER

Is my little table big enough for it?

CECILIA

We'll hope so.

AMADEUS (_who is leaning against the piano, keeps looking at her all the time_)

CECILIA (_pretends not to notice him_)

ALBERT

You're looking splendid.

CECILIA

I'm a little bit worn out.

AMADEUS

You must be hungry.

CECILIA

Not at all. We had something to eat in the dining car. Almost everybody did. But I do want a cup of tea. (_To the governess_) Will you see to it, please?

AMADEUS

Let me have a cup, too, and please see that I get a few slices of cold meat.

GOVERNESS

I have given orders for it already. (_She goes out_)

CECILIA

Have you really been waiting for me with the supper?

AMADEUS

No ... I haven't been waiting. I ... simply never thought of it.

CECILIA (_to Albert and Marie_)

Why don't you sit down?

ALBERT

No, we are going, my dear Cecilia. Let me congratulate you with all my heart--that will be enough for to-day.

MARIE

You have celebrated regular triumphs, they say?

CECILIA

Well, it wasn't bad. (_To Amadeus_) Did you get my telegram?

AMADEUS

Yes, it pleased me tremendously.

CECILIA

Think of it, children! After the performance I was commanded to appear in the box of His Majesty!

ALBERT

Commanded...? Invited, I hope you mean! Neither emperor nor king has the right to command you.

CECILIA

You old anarchist! But what does it matter? One goes to the box nevertheless. And you would have done that, too.

ALBERT

Why not? One must, if possible, study every form of existence at close quarters.

AMADEUS

And what did the Emperor have to say?

CECILIA

He was very complimentary. Had never seen a better Carmen.

ALBERT

The very next thing he'll order an opera for you from some Spaniard.[5]

[5] This refers to a habit of Emperor William's, from whom the Italian composer, Leoncavallo, among others, once received such an order.

GOVERNESS (_enters_)

The tea will be here in a moment.

AMADEUS

Now you must get back to bed, Peter. It's late.

GOVERNESS (_wants to take the boy away_)

PETER

No, mamma must take me to bed as when I was a little baby.

CECILIA

Come on then!--Mercy me, how heavy you have grown. (_Goes out with Peter and the governess_)

MARIE

My, but she is pretty!

AMADEUS

Haven't you discovered that before?

ALBERT

Well, good-by then!

AMADEUS

Until to-morrow. I shall be expecting you early--between nine and ten.

MARIE (_to Amadeus as she is going out_)

Don't you regret having to leave her again at once?

AMADEUS

Duty, my dear Marie....

CECILIA (_returning_)

Oh, are you really going?--Good-by then--for a little while!

[_Albert and Marie go out._

CECILIA (_going to the fireplace_)

Home again! (_She sits down_)

AMADEUS (_near the door and speaking rather shyly_)

It's a question whether it can please you as much as it does me.

CECILIA (_holds out her hand to him_)

AMADEUS (_takes her hand and kisses it; then he seats himself_) Tell me all about it.

CECILIA

What am I to tell? I haven't left anything untold--or hardly anything.

AMADEUS

Well....

CECILIA

Getting home every night--and it was quite late at times, as you know--I sat down and wrote to you. I wish you had been equally explicit.

AMADEUS

But I have written you every day, too.

CECILIA

Nevertheless, my dear, it seems to me you must have lots to add. (_With a laugh_) To many things you have referred in a strikingly casual fashion.

AMADEUS

I might say the same to you.

CECILIA

No, you can't. My letters have practically been diaries. And that's more than could be said of yours.--Well, Amadeus...? Without frankness the whole situation becomes meaningless, I should say.

AMADEUS

What is there to be cleared up?

CECILIA

Is it really all over with Philine?

AMADEUS

That was all over--(_rising_) before you left. And you know it. I really don't think it's necessary to discuss bygone matters.

CECILIA

Will she be able to stay in the company, by the way--after this scandal in connection with your--pardon me!--predecessor?

AMADEUS

Everything has been arranged, I hear. And she has even made up with her husband again.

CECILIA

Is that so?--That's rather unpleasant, don't you think? At bottom, it matters very little then to have the story all over. In the case of a man who has the disconcerting habit of not finding out certain things until months afterward....

AMADEUS

It is better not to think of such things.

CECILIA

Has she any letters of yours?

AMADEUS (_having thought for a moment_)

Only the one in which I bade her farewell.

CECILIA

That might be enough. Why haven't you demanded it back?

AMADEUS

How could I?

CECILIA

How frivolous you are! Yes, frivolous is just the word. (_Putting her hand on his shoulder_) Now it's possible to talk of a thing like this, Amadeus. Formerly you might have misunderstood such a remark--taking it for jealousy, or something like that.... But, really, I do hope you don't get mixed up in any more affairs of that kind. I don't like to be scared to death all the time on behalf of my best friend. There is nothing in the world I begrudge you--of that you may be sure. But getting killed for the sake of somebody else--that's carrying the joke a little too far!

AMADEUS

I promise you, that you'll no longer have to be scared to death on my behalf.

CECILIA

I hope so. Otherwise I must leave you to take care of yourself.--And seriously speaking, Amadeus, I hope you don't forget that your life has been preserved for more sensible and more important things--that you have a lot more to do in this world.

AMADEUS

Yes, that's what I feel. I don't think I have ever felt it so strongly in all my life. (_Radiantly_) My symphony ...

CECILIA (_eagerly_)

... is done?

AMADEUS

It is, Cecilia. And ... I didn't mean to tell you about it to-day, but it leaves me no peace....

CECILIA

Well, what is it?

AMADEUS

The chorus in the final passage--you know the principal theme of it already--it is led and dominated by a soprano solo. And that solo has been written for you.

CECILIA

My revered Master! How proud your trust in me makes me!

AMADEUS

Don't make fun of it, Cecilia, I beg you. There is nobody in the world who can sing that solo like you.... That solo is yours--and only yours. While writing it, the ring of your voice was in my mind. Next February, as soon as I get back, I shall have the symphony put on, and then you must sing that solo.

CECILIA

Next Feb...? With pleasure, my dear Amadeus--provided I am still here.

AMADEUS

Why?

CECILIA

Oh, you haven't heard everything yet. After the performance last night the Director had a talk with me.

AMADEUS (_disturbed_)

Well?!--There was a hint in the telegram about brilliant conditions.... But, of course, they could only refer to the next season?

CECILIA

If I can break away from here, they want me in Berlin from the beginning of the year.

AMADEUS

But you can't break away!

CECILIA

Oh, if I really want to. The Director does not care to enforce the contract.

AMADEUS

But you don't want to, Cecilia!

CECILIA

That's a matter for careful consideration. I shall be doing a great deal better there.

AMADEUS

Beginning next Fall, I shall--probably be free. You might wait that long, I should think. Then we could make the move together. But....

CECILIA

It doesn't have to be settled to-day, Amadeus. To-morrow we shall have time to discuss the whole matter thoroughly. Really, I am not in a condition to do so to-night.

AMADEUS

You are tired...?

CECILIA

Of course, you must understand that. In fact, I should very much prefer.... (_She looks in direction of the door leading to her own room_)

CHAMBERMAID (_brings in the tea tray and puts it on a small table_)

CECILIA

Oh, that's right!--May I pour you a cup, too?

AMADEUS

If you please.

CECILIA (_pours the tea; to the chambermaid_)

Open one of the windows a little, will you. There's such a lot of cigarette smoke in here.

CHAMBERMAID (_opens the window at the right_)

AMADEUS

Won't it be too cold for you?

CECILIA

Cold? It has turned very warm again.

AMADEUS

And how did last night's performance go otherwise?

CECILIA

Very well. Wedius in particular proved himself inimitable again.

AMADEUS

You have mentioned him several times in your letters.

CECILIA

You know him since your Dresden period, don't you?

AMADEUS

Yes. He has great gifts.

CECILIA

He thinks a great deal of you, too.

AMADEUS

I'm pleased to hear it.

CHAMBERMAID (_goes out_)

AMADEUS (_helping himself to the cold meat_)

Can I help you to some?

CECILIA

No, thanks. I have had all I want.

AMADEUS

Yes, you have had your supper already--all of you, or "everybody," as you put it a while ago.

CECILIA (_ingenuously_)

I had my supper with Sigismund.

AMADEUS

Was he in Berlin all the time?

CECILIA

He got there two days after me, as I told you in my letters.

AMADEUS

Of course--you have told me everything. Once he accompanied you to the National Gallery.

CECILIA

He also took me to see the Pergamene marbles.[6]

[6] A large collection of art works and other antiquities, recovered by excavations on the site of the ancient city of Pergamon in Asia Minor, are kept in the Pergamene Museum, Berlin.

AMADEUS (_facetiously_)

You're doing a lot for his general education, I must say.--But I should like to know by what fraud Sigismund got himself into that reception of the Director's.

CECILIA

By what fraud?

AMADEUS

Well, you wrote me that he created a regular sensation with those waltzes of his.

CECILIA

So he did. But he didn't have to use fraud to get in. Being a nephew of the Baroness, there was no reason why he should resort to such methods.

AMADEUS

Oh, yes, I didn't remember that.

CECILIA

And by the way, the Director asked very eagerly about you.

AMADEUS

He thinks a great deal of me....

CECILIA (_with a smile_)

Yes, he really does. The moment your new opera is ready....

AMADEUS

And so on! (_He goes on eating_) It surprises me, however, that he should ask you about me.

CECILIA

Why does that surprise you?

AMADEUS (_as if meaning no offense_)

Well, it rather surprises me that he should connect our respective personalities to that extent. Hasn't Berlin heard yet that we are going to be divorced?

CECILIA

Why ... what does that mean?

AMADEUS (_laughing_)

Rumors to that effect are afloat.

CECILIA

What? Well, I declare!

AMADEUS

Yes, it's incredible what the popular gossip can invent. It's even in the newspapers. His Highness the Prince Sigismund Maradas-Lohsenstein is going to lead you to the altar. The necessary dispensation will be furnished by the Pope. Idiotic--isn't it?

CECILIA

Yes.--But, my dear, you say nothing about what is still more idiotic.

AMADEUS

And what can that be?

CECILIA

That you are on the verge of believing this piece of idiocy.

AMADEUS

I...? How can you.... Oh, no!

CECILIA

You haven't considered, for instance, that I am three years older than he.

AMADEUS (_startled_)

Well, if it's nothing but those three years of difference in....

CECILIA

No, it isn't that. No, indeed! Even if I were younger than he, I should never think of it.

AMADEUS

But if his devotion should prove more deeply rooted than you have supposed so far?

CECILIA

Not even then.

AMADEUS

Why?

CECILIA

Why...? I know that it couldn't last forever anyhow.

AMADEUS

Have you the end in mind already?

CECILIA

I am not saying that I have it in mind.... But I don't doubt it must come, as it always comes.

AMADEUS

And then...?

CECILIA (_shrugs her shoulders_)

AMADEUS

And then?

CECILIA

How could I know, Amadeus? There are prospects of so many kinds.

AMADEUS (_cowering a moment before those words_)

Yes, that's true. Life is full of prospects. Everywhere, wherever you turn, there are temptations and promises--when you have determined to be free, and to take life lightly, as we have done.... That's what you meant, was it not?

CECILIA

Yes, precisely.

AMADEUS

Tell me, Cecilia.... (_He draws closer to her_) There is one thing I should like to know--whether Sigismund has any idea that your mind is harboring such thoughts--which, after all, would appear rather weird to the other party concerned.

CECILIA

Sigismund...? How can you imagine?! Such things you admit only to your friends. (_She gives her hand to him_)

AMADEUS (_in the same friendly manner_)

But if he should notice anything ... although I think it very improbable that he is the kind of man who would.... But let us suppose that he concluded from various signs that some such thoughts were passing through your head--would you deny them, if he asked you?

CECILIA

I believe myself capable of it.

AMADEUS (_with a shrinking_)

Oh.... Let me tell you, Cecilia.... You are having something definite in mind.... Yes, I am sure of it.... It's a question of some definite prospect.

CECILIA (_smiling_)

That might be possible.

AMADEUS

What has happened, Cecilia?

CECILIA

Nothing.

AMADEUS

Then there is danger in the air.

CECILIA

Danger...? What could that mean to us? To him who has no obligations there can be no cause for fear.

AMADEUS (_taking her lightly by the arm_)

Stop playing with words! I can see through the whole thing just the same.--I know! It has been brought home to me by a number of passages in your letters--although they ceased long ago to have the frankness due to our friendship. That new prospect is Wedius!

CECILIA

In what respect did my letters fail to be frank? Didn't I write you immediately after the "Onyegin" performance, that there was something fascinating about his personality?

AMADEUS

So you have said before, of many people. But there was never any such prospect implied in it.

CECILIA

Everything begins to take on new meanings when you are free.

AMADEUS

You are not telling me everything.... What has happened?

CECILIA

Nothing has happened, but (_with sudden decision_) if I had stayed ... who knows....

AMADEUS (_seems to shrink back again; then he walks to and fro; finally he remains standing in the background, near one of the windows_) Poor Sigismund!

CECILIA

Why pity him? He knows nothing about it.

AMADEUS (_resuming his superior tone_)

Is that what draws you to Berlin?

CECILIA

No!... Indeed, no! The spell has been broken ... it seems....

AMADEUS

And yet you talk of going about New Year....

CECILIA (_rising_)

My dear Amadeus, I am really too tired to discuss that matter to-day. Now I shall say good-night to you. It is quite late. (_She holds out her hand to him_)

AMADEUS (_faltering_)

Good-night, Cecilia!... (_He clings to her hand_) You have been gone three weeks. I shall leave early the day after to-morrow--and when _I_ return, you will be gone, I suppose.... There can't be so very much to your friendship, if you won't stay and talk a while with me under such circumstances.

CECILIA

What's the use of being sentimental? Leave-takings are familiar things to us.

AMADEUS

That's true. But nevertheless this will be a new kind of leave-taking, and a new kind of home-coming also.

CECILIA

Well, seeing that it had to turn out this way....

AMADEUS

But neither of us ever imagined that it would turn out this way.

CECILIA

Oh?

AMADEUS

No, Cecilia, we did _not_ imagine it. The remarkable thing has been that we retained our faith in each other in the midst of all doubts, and that, even when away from each other, we used to feel calm and confident far beyond what was safe, I suppose. But it was splendid. Separation itself used to have a sort of charm of its own--_formerly_.

CECILIA

Naturally. It isn't possible to love in that undisturbed fashion except when you are miles apart.

AMADEUS

You may be able to make fun of it to-day, Cecilia, but there will never again be anything like it--neither for you nor for me. You can be sure of that.

CECILIA

I know that as well as you do.--But why should you all at once begin to talk as if, somehow, everything would be over between us two, and as if the best part of our life had been irretrievably lost? That's not the case, after all. It cannot possibly be the case. Both of us know that we remain the same as before--don't we--and that everything else that has happened to us, or may happen to us, can be of no particular importance.... And even if it should become important, we shall always be able to join hands, no matter what chasms open between us.

AMADEUS

You speak very sensibly, as usual.

CECILIA

If you seduce ladies by the dozen, and if gentlemen shoot each other dead for my sake--as they do for the sake of Countess Philine--what has that to do with our friendship?

AMADEUS

That's beyond contradiction. Nevertheless, I hadn't expected--in fact, I think it nothing less than admirable--your ability to adjust yourself to everything--your way of remaining perfectly calm in the midst of any new experiences or expectations.

CECILIA

Calm...? Here I am ... by our fireplace ... taking tea in your company. Here I can and shall always be calm. That's the significance of our whole life in common. Whatever may be my destiny in the world at large will slip off me when I enter here. All the storms are on the outside.

AMADEUS

That's more than you can be sure of, Cecilia. Things might happen that would weigh more heavily on you than you can imagine at this moment.

CECILIA

I shall always have the strength to throw off things according to my will before I come to you. And if that strength should ever fail me, I shall come to the door and no farther.

AMADEUS

Oh, no, you mustn't! That would not be in keeping with our agreement. It is just when life grows heavy that I'll be here to help you bear it.

CECILIA

Who knows whether you will always be ready to do so?

AMADEUS

Always--on my oath! No matter what befall you, whether it be sad or wretched, you can always find refuge and sympathy with me. But with all my heart I wish you may be spared most of those things.

CECILIA

That I be spared...? No, Amadeus, a wish like that I can't accept. Hitherto--I have lived so little hitherto. And I am longing for it. I long for all that's sad and sweet in life, for all that's beautiful and all that's pitiful. I long for storms, for perils--for worse than that, perhaps.

AMADEUS

No, Cecilia, that's nothing but imagination!

CECILIA

Oh, no!

AMADEUS

Certainly, Cecilia. You don't know very much as yet, and you imagine many things simpler and cleaner than they are. But there are things you couldn't stand, and others of which you are not capable.--I know you, Cecilia.

CECILIA

You know me?--You know only what I have been to you--what I have been as your beloved and your wife. And as you used to mean the whole world to me--as all my longing, all my tenderness, was bounded by you--we could never guess in those days what might prove my destiny when the real world was thrown open to me.--Even to-day, Amadeus, I am no longer the same as before.... Or perhaps I have always been the same as I am now, but didn't know it merely. And something has fallen away, that used to cover me up in the past.... Yes, that's it: for now I can feel all those desires that used to pass me by as if deflected by a cuirass of insensibility.... Now I can feel how they touch my body and my soul, filling me with qualms and passions. The earth seems full of adventure. The sky seems radiant with flames. And it is as if I could see myself stand waiting with wide-open arms.

AMADEUS (_as if calling to somebody in flight_)

Cecilia!

CECILIA

What is the matter?

AMADEUS

Nothing.... The words you speak cannot estrange me after all that I have learned already. But there is a new ring in your voice that I have never heard until to-day. Nor have I ever seen that light in your eyes until to-day.

CECILIA