CHAPTER VII.

OF MY PRETTY MAID, AND THOSE DREADFUL SOLDIERS WHO WOULD COME TURNING HER HEAD, AND PREVENTING THE POOR THING DOING HER WORK.

“Heigho! heigho! I’m afraid, Too many lovers will puzzle a maid.” “YOUNG SUSAN HAD LOVERS SO MANY, THAT SHE,” &c.

The servant who came in after Norah was a young woman whose godfathers and godmothers (stupid people) had christened Rosetta, as if she had been a Duchess. As of course I wasn’t going to have any of my menials answering to a stuck-up name like that, I gave her to understand that I should allow no such things in _my_ house, indeed, but would take the liberty of altering pretty Rosetta into plain Susan. She was a nice, clean-looking girl, and was--what, I dare say, some persons would call--pretty, for her features were very regular; still it was not my style of beauty. And though her complexion certainly was clear and rosy, still there was too healthy and countrified a look about it to please me; for to be perfectly beautiful, it wanted the interesting air that indisposition always gives the face; for it is universally allowed by all well-bred people that a woman never looks so well as when she appears to be suffering from bad health. She had a pair of very fine blue eyes of her own; but I must confess I never was partial to eyes of that colour, for they always seem to me to want the expression of hazel ones. (Dear Edward says mine are hazel.) To do the girl justice, her mouth was the best feature she had in her face, and yet there was something about it--I can’t exactly tell what--that wasn’t altogether to my liking. Her figure, too, certainly did look very good for a person in _her_ station of life; but all my fair readers must be as well aware as I am that things have lately come to _such_ a pretty pass, and an excellent _tournure_ can be had for _so_ little money, that even one’s maid-servants can walk into any corset-makers and buy a figure, fit for a lady of the highest respectability, for a mere trifle; and such being the case, of course there is so much imposition about a female’s appearance now-a-days, that really it is impossible to tell what is natural and what is not. When the conceited bit of goods came after the situation, she looked _so_ clean, tidy, and respectable, and had on _such_ a nice plain cotton gown, of only one colour--being a nice white spot on a dark green ground,--and _such_ a good, strong, serviceable half-a-crown Dunstable straw bonnet, trimmed very plainly; and _such_ a nice clean quilled net-cap under it; and _such_ a tidy plain white muslin collar over one of the quietest black-and-white plaid shawls I think I ever saw in all my life, that I felt quite charmed at seeing her dressed _so_ thoroughly like what a respectable servant ought to be; and I’m sure I was never so surprised, in all my born days, as when her late mistress (who gave her an excellent character) told me the reason why they parted with Susan was, that she was inclined to be dressy; so that, after what I had seen of the poor girl, I said to myself--Dressy, indeed!--well, if they call her dressy, I should just like to know what dressy is! and engaged her, accordingly.

The first Sunday after she had come into the house, however, I found that her late mistress wasn’t so far out in the character she had given the minx; for lo and behold! my neat, unpretending chrysalis had changed into a flaunting fal-lal butterfly. For after she had gone up stairs to clean herself that afternoon, if my lady didn’t come down dressed out as fine as a sweep on a May-day. Bless us and save us! if the stuck-up thing hadn’t got on a fly-a-way starched-out imitation Balzorine gown, of a bright ultramarine, picked out with white flowers--with a double skirt, too, made like a tunic, and looking _so_ grand, (though one could easily see that it could not possibly have cost more than six-and-six--if that, indeed,) and drat her impudence! if she hadn’t on each side of her head got a bunch of long ringlets, like untwisted bell-ropes, hanging half way down to her waist, and a blonde-lace cap, with cherry-coloured rosettes, and streamers flying about nearly a yard long; while on looking at her feet, if the conceited bit of goods hadn’t got on patent leather shoes, with broad sandals, and open-worked cotton stockings, as I’m a living woman--and net mittens on her hands too, as true as my name’s Sk--n--st--n. I had her in the parlour pretty soon, for I wanted to ask her who the dickens she took me for. Of course, she was very much surprised that I should object to all her trumpery finery and fiddlefaddle; and she knew as well as I did that the terms I made when I engaged her were--ten pounds a year, find her own tea and sugar, and no followers, nor ringlets, nor sandals, allowed; and that if, in the hurry of the moment, I had omitted to mention the ringlets and sandals, it was an oversight on my part, for which I was very sorry; so I told her that I would thank her to go up stairs again, and take that finery off her back as quickly as she could, and never, as long as she remained under my roof, to think of appearing before me in such a disgraceful state again. When she went out that afternoon to church, the girl had made herself look something decent, and was no longer dressed out as showily as if she was the mistress instead of the maid.

Indeed, this love of dress seemed to be quite a mania with the girl; for I am sure the stupid thing must have gone spending every penny of her wages upon her back. And do what I would, I couldn’t prevent the conceited peacock from poking her nasty, greasy bottles of rose hair-oil and filthy combs and brushes all among the plates and dishes over the dresser. And I declare, upon looking in the drawer of the kitchen table one morning, while she was making the beds up stairs, if I didn’t stumble upon a trumpery sixpenny copy of “The Hand-Book of the Toilet,” which soon told me that the dirty messes I had been continually finding in all the saucepans, were either some pomatum, or cream, or wash, which she had been making for her face or hands. And a day or two afterwards, while I was down stairs seeing about the dinner, if the precious beauty hadn’t the impudence to tell me that she wished to goodness that her “hibrows met like mine did, for it was considered very handsome by the hancients;” and in a few minutes afterwards, the dirty puss informed me that the Hand-Book of the Tilet said that you ought to clean your teeth every morning, and that she had lately tried it, and had no hidea that it was so hagreable; and then, with the greatest coolness imaginable, if she didn’t advise _me_ to rub my gums with salt hevery night before I went to bed; for that the lady of rank and fashion who, she said, was the talented hauthoress of the little work, declared that it made your gums look uncommon lovely and red. On which I told her that I was disgusted to find her head filled with such a heap of rubbish as it was.

But really the stupid girl’s vanity carried her to such lengths, that she was silly enough to allow any man to go falling in love with her who liked, although I must say that I don’t think there was any harm in the minx. Still it was by no means pleasant to have a pack of single knocks continually coming and turning the poor thing’s head on your door-step--so that it was really one person’s time to be popping out of the parlour and telling the girl to come in directly, and not stand chatting there with the door in her hand. But when she found that my vigilance had put an end to her courtships on my door-step, she soon discovered another means of corresponding with her admirers in the neighbourhood. For one morning, when I went into the back bed-room to put out some clean pillow-cases, and I happened to go to the window for a moment, I was never so astonished in the whole course of my existence as when I saw that impudent monkey of a footman belonging to the S--mm--ns’s (whose house is just at the bottom of our garden) holding up a tea-tray, on the back of which was written, in large chalk letters, “HANGEL, CAN I CUM TO TEE;” and I immediately saw what the fellow meant by his tricks; so I crept down stairs as gently as I could, and in the back parlour I found, just as I had expected, my precious beauty of a Susan perched on a chair, and holding up my best japanned tea-tray--that cost me I don’t know what all--and on the back she had written with the same elegant writing materials--“HADOORED ONE! YOU CARNT CUM--ALAS! MISSUS WILL BE HIN.” So I scolded her well for carrying on those games, and daring to chalk her nasty love-letters on my tea-trays, telling her that hers were pretty goings on and fine doings indeed.

And really if it hadn’t been for Edward’s aversion to changing, I do believe I should have packed her out of the house--as indeed I wish I had--then and there; for the way in which she went on towards me really was enough to make a saint swear, (though I’m happy to say I did not.) For, in the first place, the reader should know that I’m more particular about my caps than any other article of dress. Indeed, I do think, that of all things, a pretty cap is the most becoming thing a married woman can wear; and if I can only get them _distingué_, (as we say,) I don’t mind what expense I go to, especially as it is so easily made up out of the housekeeping by giving my husband a few tarts less every week, and managing the house as prudently and for as little money as I possibly can. But I declare, no sooner did I get a new cap to my head, and one that I flattered myself was quite out of the common, than as sure as the next Sunday came round, that impudent stuck-up bit of goods of a Miss Susan would make a point of appearing in one of the very same shape and trimming--only, of course, made of an inferior and cheaper material; and though I kept continually changing mine, as often as the housekeeping would admit of my doing so, still it was of no use at all; for the girl was so quick with her needle and thread, that she could unpick hers and make it up again like mine for a few pence; and the consequence was, that any party who had seen either of us only once or twice, would be safe to mistake one for the other--which I suppose was her ambition--drat her. This got me nicely insulted, indeed! for one day, after having had a very nice luncheon of two poached eggs and a basin of some delicious mutton broth, together with a glass of Guinness’s bottled stout, I got up and went to look at the window; and I was standing there with my head just over the blinds, when the policeman came sauntering by, and seeing me--I declare if the barefaced monkey didn’t turn his head round and wink at me! I never was so horrified in all my life; for of course I couldn’t tell what on earth the man could mean by behaving in such a low, familiar way towards _me_; and as I remained rivetted with astonishment to the spot, I saw him stop after he had gone a few paces past the house, and--I never knew such impudence in all my born days!--begin kissing his hand as if he wanted to make love to me. So I shook my fist at him pretty quickly; but the jack-a-napes only grinned; and putting an inquiring look on his face, pointed down to our kitchen window, and made signs with his hands as if he were cutting up something and putting it into his mouth, and eating it. So I very soon saw that my fine gentleman was mistaking me for that stupid, soft, fly-a-way minx of mine down stairs, and only wanted to come paying his pie-crust addresses to Miss Susan and _my_ provisions. So I determined to let him know who I was, indeed; and went to the street-door to show myself, and just take his number, and have the fellow well punished for his impertinent goings on: but no sooner did the big-whiskered puppy see me, than he went off in a hurry, like a rocket, as fast as his legs could carry him. When I had up Miss Susan, and questioned her as to whether she had ever given the man any encouragement, she told me a nice lot of taradiddles, I could see by her manner, which put me in such a passion, that I declared if ever I caught her making up her caps like mine again, I’d throw them right behind the kitchen fire--that I would.

Though, really, when I came to reflect, in my calm moments, upon the girl’s conduct, there was every excuse to be

made for the poor ignorant thing; for being cursed, as the philosopher says, with--what some people would have called--a pretty face, and having been only a year or so up from the country, it was but natural that the silly creature should have been tickled by the flattery of the pack of fellows who, to my great horror, were continually running after her; for what with the young men in the neighbourhood, and what with those dreadful barracks in Albany Street, I declare if our house wasn’t completely besieged with the girl’s lovers. I do verily believe, so long as that good-looking puss remained with us, that from morning till night we had one of the soldiers walking up and down in front of our door, just like a sentinel--for, upon my word, as fast as one went away, another used to come, for all the world as if they were relieving guard in St. James’s Park; and really and truly, the whole of my valuable time was taken up either in answering single knocks, and telling them for about the hundredth time Mr. Smith did not live there, or else in pulling up the windows, and ordering the vagabonds to go along with them, and mind their own business.

And here let me pause for a minute to remark upon the shameful nuisance that those barracks in Albany Street are to all persons living in that otherwise quiet and pretty neighbourhood--for I’m sure there’s not a person whose house is within half-a-mile of the dreadful place that isn’t wherrited out of their lives by them. Upon my word, the Life Guardsmen there are so frightfully handsome, that they ought not to be allowed by Government to wander at large in those fascinating red jackets, and with those large jet-black mustachios of theirs, sticking out on each side of their face, just like two sticks of Spanish liquorice--nor be permitted to go about as they do, breaking, or at least cracking, the hearts of all the poor servant-girls in the neighbourhood, as if they were so much crockery. And what on earth the hearts of the good-looking wretches themselves can be made of is more than I can say; for either they must be as impenetrable to Cupid’s arrows as bags of sand, or I’m sure else they must be as full of holes as a rushlight-shade. I don’t know what the regiment may cost the nation every year, (but of course it’s no trifling sum, and what they do for it except make love to the maids, I can’t see)--but this I do know for a positive fact, that the expense the Life Guardsmen are to the respectable inhabitants of Albany Street and its neighbourhood is actually frightful; for they seem to be of opinion that love cannot live on air, and consequently always begin by paying their addresses to the cooks, and if the larder be good, I will do them the justice to say, that their constancy is wonderful; and really the sum they cost poor Albany Street and its surrounding districts in the matter of cold meat alone is really so dreadful, that I really do think if a petition were got up, and the case properly represented to Government, the Paymaster of the Forces could not refuse to make them a large allowance every year for the excellent rations served out to the soldiers every day by the maids. Really the amiable fellows’ appetites seem to be as large as their hearts--and _they_ are as big as the Waterloo omnibuses, Heaven knows, and will carry fourteen inside with perfect ease and comfort any day. Talk about locusts in the land--I’d back a regiment of Life Guardsmen for eating a respectable district out of house and home in half the time, for positively the fine-looking vagabonds seem to have nothing else to do but to walk about Albany Street, looking down every area like so many dealers in hare and rabbit skins, crying out--“Any affection or cold meat this morning, cook?” I don’t know if any of my courteous readers have ever been in Albany Street when the bugle is sounded for the fellows to return to their barracks, but upon my word the scene is really heartbreaking to housekeepers, for there isn’t an area down the whole street but from which you will see a Life Guardsman, with his mouth full, ascending the steps, and hurrying off to his quarters for the night. Anybody will agree with me that one Don Giovanni is quite enough to turn the fair heads of a whole parish; but upon my word, when a whole regiment of them are suddenly let loose upon one particular locality, the havoc among the hearts is positively frightful; and there isn’t a man in the Life Guards, I know, (unless he’s afflicted with red mustachios,) that isn’t a regular six-foot two Lothario. Besides, Mrs. Lockley, the wife of one of Edward’s best clients, assures me that there was one fascinating monster of a Life Guardsman who, the day after his regiment was quartered in Albany Street Barracks, began bestowing his affection on the cook at the bottom of the street, near Trinity Church, and loved all up the right-hand side of the way, and then commenced loving down the left; and she says, she verily believes the amiable villain would have got right to the bottom of the street again, had he not been stopped by the Colosseum--so that the wretch was actually obliged to remain constant to the cook who lived at the house next to it for upwards of a month, at an expense of at least a guinea a-week to the master, and half-a-crown to the cook, for tobacco, for the gallant servant-killer.

But to return to that poor simpleton, Susan. One day, Mr. Sk--n--st--n having been obliged to go down to those bothering Kingston Assizes, upon professional business, I was, of course, left all alone, with Susan in the house; and really, from the loneliness of the neighbourhood, and the savage looks of those dreadful soldiers, whom I could not keep away from the place, it had such a dreadful effect upon my nerves, that I got quite stupid and frightened, and kept fancying I heard people trying to open our street door with false keys, and others attempting to break in at the back. So I made up my mind, when it was just close upon eight o’clock, that I wouldn’t sit there trembling any longer, and told that girl Susan to eat her supper directly, but on no account to touch the remains of that delicious beefsteak-pie, as I’d set my heart upon having it cold for dinner to-morrow,--for really, I do think it is as nice a dish as one can eat,--and lock up the doors, and get ready to go to bed. And when she had done so, I went down, and having satisfied myself that the house was all safe, saw little Miss Mischief of a Susan up stairs before me; and as I thought there was something odd about her conduct, I saw her into bed, and took the key of her room, and locked her in.

I don’t think I could have been in bed myself above half-an-hour, when just as I was dozing off into a nice, comfortable sleep, I was roused by our area bell going cling-a-ling-ling so gently, that I at once knew something was in the wind somewhere. In about five minutes, there was another pull, louder than the first, and in about three minutes after that, another. So I jumped out of bed, and slipping on my wrapper, threw up the window, when lo and behold! there was one of those plaguy Life Guardsmen waiting to be let in at our area gate. “Who’s there?” I cried, pretty loudly.

“It’s only me, my charmer!” he answered, in a loud whisper.

“Who are you, and what do you want here at this time of night?” I demanded.

“Come, that’s a good ’un, after asking me to supper with you,” he replied. “Come down, I tell you. It’s only Ned Twist, of the Guards.--How about that cold beefsteak-pie, my heart’s idol?”

“Go along about your business,” I said, in a loud voice. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself--you ought.”

“Come, none of your jokes,” he replied; “I am so plaguy hungry. I’m good for the whole of that pie of your missus’s; so come down, and let us in, there’s a beauty.”

“Go along with you, do!” I said, in a very loud voice, “or I’ll call the police.”

“Hush-sh-sh!” he said, in a whisper, “or you’ll be letting that old she-dragon of a missus of yours hear you, and then it will be all up with my beefsteak-pie, angel! And that will never do, for I’ve just refused a splendid offer of tripe and onions from a lovely cook in Osnaburgh-street. So, once for all, do you mean to come down or not?--or I shall have that angel’s tripe all cold before I get back to her.”

“Go along with you!” I cried out, unable to contain myself any longer, now I had heard all he had got to say--“go along with you--I’m that she-dragon of a mistress, and if you are not off, I’ll give you in custody----”

But the words were scarcely out of my mouth, before Mr. Ned Twist ran away as fast as his legs would carry him; and as he turned the corner, I caught a glimpse of the handsome fellow’s face by the gaslight, and knew that he was one of the very men who were always coming and asking if Mr. Smith lived there.

In the morning, when I inquired of Miss Susan whether she was acquainted with one Ned Twist, in the Life Guards, of course she knew nothing about the gentleman; and, unfortunately, I had forgotten to wheedle out of the man the name of the party he really had come to see, so that I could not fix her with anything positive.

But I determined to clear up all doubts about the matter, and so I set a trap, into which my lady fell, and I caught her as nicely as ever she was caught in the whole course of her life. I told her that I was going round to dear mother’s, to tea, (though of course I never intended to be silly enough to do anything of the kind;) and accordingly I left the house, and went to make a few little odd purchases in the neighbourhood, and then returned in about an hour’s time, saying that, unfortunately, mother was from home, (though, for the matter of that, I didn’t know whether she was or not.) It was very easy to see that my lady was quite flustered at my coming back so unexpectedly. Of course I went straight into the parlour, and told her to bring me up the tea-things, and then I shouldn’t want her any more; for I wasn’t going to be such a simpleton as to go down then, as I felt convinced that directly she heard my knock at the door she had stowed away her gallant son of Mars in the coal-cellar. Just as I had expected, the tea things came up in about half-an-hour. When she brought them, I pretended to be fast asleep on the sofa, and about five minutes after she had put them on the table, I crept down stairs so softly that I declare I could scarcely hear my own footstep; and on opening the door suddenly, as if I wanted to go to the wine-cellar, lo, and behold! there my Life Guardsman was, true enough, and as far as I could judge, Mr. Ned Twist himself--and though all the things had been cleared away, still from the gravy and bits of pie-crust that were hanging to the fellow’s mustachios, I could see that my gentleman had been at _my_ beef-steak pie with a vengeance. Miss Susan, however, was far from losing her presence of mind, and was even with me in a minute; for she rose from her chair, and introduced me to Mr. Ned Twist, saying, “My cousin, Mam,” while her cousin (pretty cousin, indeed!) jumped to the other side of the room, and drawing himself as straight up as a six-foot rule, put his hand sideways to his forehead, as a mark of respect to the mistress of his _relation_, (Augh, I can’t bear such deceit!) As he was a great tall man, and I was a poor lone woman, with my husband in the country, I thought it best to be civil to the good-looking monster, (though I could have given it him well, I could!) so I begged of him not to disturb himself, but to sit down quietly, and make himself quite at home with his _cousin_. Then I went up stairs, and putting on my bonnet and shawl, slipped out of the house as quick as I could--though, bother take it, I couldn’t get the street-door to close after me without making a noise. Then I went up to the first policeman I met with, and told him he must come with me that instant, as I wanted to give a man in charge for robbing me of my beef-steak pie. But on going back, the bird had flown; so I had to offer the policeman my thanks and a glass of table-beer,--which, however, the good man would not accept, saying that they were forbidden to drink while on duty. I was so surprised at finding such virtue in the police force--especially when I recollected how I had been treated by that big-whiskered monkey--who had winked at me, that I took a good look at this noble man, and at once knew from the quantity of hair about the jackanapes’ face that he was the identical fellow who had not only kissed his hand to me, but had also wanted himself to partake of whatever there might be in my larder. So I sent him off with a flea in his ear; and then turning round sharp upon Miss Susan, I told her that she would go that day month, as sure as her name was Susan, and that I hoped and trusted she would let this be a warning to her--for I knew very well that I could easily pretend to make it up with her again, and so keep her on a month or six weeks after my confinement.

The next day I received a very proper letter from Edward, informing me he was afraid that business would detain him at Kingston for another week, and a very unladylike and rude letter from Mrs. Yapp, the mother of Edward’s poor dear deceased first wife, telling my husband she would be in town to-morrow, and that she purposed making her dear boy’s house her home so long as she remained in London.

Oh, gracious goodness! I said to myself, what will my poor husband do under this awful visitation? for if one mother-in-law is more than he can bear, what on earth will he do when he finds himself afflicted with two?--and the worst of it all was, that I saw that during my confinement--but, alas! I must reserve this for another chapter.