Part 3

After some delay, during which the anxiety of the Court was terrible to behold, a Marabout arrived announcing that the Faithful Animal and Loyal Servant of the Empire had breathed its last that very hour in its Rooms at St. James’s! The Marabout, who elected to be sworn in the Hindoo manner, that is, formally and without prejudice, recounted with many sobs the last hours of the noble Pachyderm. It was chosen, he assured the Court, on account of its peculiar longevity; it being assumed by His Highness the Maharajah (_here witness bowed once to the Court, once to the Royal Arms, and once to nothing in particular_) that an animal which had outlived the Empire of the Great Mogul would survive the protracted Inquiry upon the Fiscal Relations of the &c., &c. Alas! Providence had otherwise disposed!

In a chastened and humble mood, and dwelling upon the vanity of human affairs, the Court solemnly adjourned. The Duke of Marlborough was heard to murmur, in the words of Burke, “What shadows we are, and what shadows we pursue!” a phrase which Mr. Chamberlain immediately entered in his pocket-book under the heading “p. 273, pop. quota.; mem. Latin original?”

VI.

The sixth and last sitting of the Inquiry upon the Fiscal (skip the rest) was remarkable in many ways, but especially for the fact that Mr. Chamberlain alone appeared.

The audience in the street outside, and the many experts and officials who were privileged to enter the court, were waiting in vain for the advent of at least the Duke of Marlborough or Mr. Austen Chamberlain, when the Colonial Secretary rose, and after remarking that he would detain them for but a very few moments, begged that they would not take alarm at the constitution of the court.

The absence of his colleagues was just the kind of thing that his more virulent opponents might put down to some difference within the Cabinet. Against malicious ignorance of that kind there was no weapon but direct contradiction. He would contradict it here and now, as he had successfully contradicted in the past his connection with the Jameson raid, the stupid story about the garden party at Lord Rothschild’s, and the legend of his having been a Free Trader and a Home Ruler, in some remote past which his enemies found it very difficult to discover. (_Laughter._)

He did not think it seemly that a man should talk too much about himself. He would therefore make no allusion to the services he had rendered his country. Such as they were, they could never be more than the services of one man. A great man perhaps, a loveable man certainly, but after all, only one man.

Lord Beaconsfield had said that men imputed themselves. He was not quite clear what this meant, but,--....

(_Here Mr. Chamberlain took up another little bit of paper, frowned, let drop his eye-glass, fiddled a little with his fingers, frowned again, replaced his eye-glass, and explained that he had mislaid some of his notes._)

Continuing in a more natural tone, and with far less fluency, he proceeded to give in detail the reasons for the absence of each of his colleagues.

The Prime Minister was occupied at Deptford, arguing with some Nonconformists.

Lord Halsbury had retired into a monastery, to make his peace with God.

Lord Lansdowne had been suddenly called to the Foreign Office to translate some Frenchified stuff or other in the Sugar Convention.

The Duke of Marlborough was suffering from brain fever, and, in spite of the terribly contagious nature of the disease, Mr. Gerald Balfour was nursing him with all the tenderness of a woman.

His own son, Austen, had that very morning received a letter from a Mrs. Augusta Legge, of Tooting. It was addressed to the Postmaster-General, and complained that a box of fish, despatched by her ten days ago, had been lost in the post. The Postmaster-General always attended to these things himself. It was in the tradition of hard, silent self-denial in which he had himself been brought up, and in which he had brought up his family.

Under the circumstances he thought he would not call any witnesses ... something much more convincing than any number of witnesses was being prepared in the Horse Guards’ parade.

Mr. Chamberlain cordially invited those present to attend, and sat down after speaking two hours and thirty-four minutes, during the whole of which prodigious space of time he kept his audience entranced and speechless.

At the close of these proceedings, Lord Burnham came forward in his robes, his escutcheon borne by pages, and displaying as supporters, Hummim and Thummim, with the legend “_Nec Nomina Mutant_.” The Venerable Peer presented the Colonial Secretary with a pair of white gloves, according to an ancient and touching custom, which prescribes such a gift when a Court is happily spared the painful duty of delivering a verdict.

Mr. Chamberlain then disappeared through a little door to robe himself as a Roman Emperor, in which character he proposed to address the pageant.

On reaching the Horse Guards’ Parade an enormous crowd was discovered stretching as far as the eye could reach, but leaving between themselves and the grand stand a space, through which could defile the procession which had been arranged. At precisely fifteen minutes to six Mr. Chamberlain rose to address the crowd, and by a fine conception the brass band, the flags, and the various contingents of the procession began marching past at the same time.

It was perhaps on this account that his speech was not very clearly heard. The opening sentence, however, rang high and clear: “I shall detain you,” he said, “for but a very few moments.” What followed was drowned in a blast of trumpets preceding the arrival of----

A dozen miserable Unionist Free Traders. The unhappy men were gagged and driven forward, with their hands tied behind their backs, by a convoy of voters from Birmingham, arranged in blocks of five, and bearing banners ornamented with mottoes in their own dialect.

In the short interval following their passage, several of Mr. Chamberlain’s sentences could be plainly heard:

“I will tell the truth ... that has ever been ... Imperial race ... one united....”

At this moment the contingent of National Scouts, cheering wildly and galloping past the saluting point, drowned the master’s voice.

When the dust they had raised had somewhat fallen, his stern, impassive features were once more discernible, and a few more sentences could be caught above the din, though with increasing difficulty, as the mob were beginning to indulge in that loud horse-play which is inseparable from great popular movements.

“He was not often mistaken.... They could not point to any opinion which he had ... and which had not been....”

Though it was evident from the considerable distension of his mouth that the Great Statesman was still making history, nothing more could be heard: every word was swallowed up, as it were, in the increasing enthusiasm of the crowd.

An effigy of Mr. Winston Churchill, stuffed with straw, was dragged past the grand stand amid hoots and jeers, and finally burnt at the stake in the open space near the Duke of York’s steps.

Fifty-seven enormous vans, drawn by twelve strong horses each, and loaded to the height of at least forty feet with pamphlets and small handbooks, received perhaps a greater ovation than any other section of the procession, until, at its close, and, as though to emphasize that unity among all our fellow subjects, which has been the object of Mr. Chamberlain’s life, a number of Kaffirs, dressed as nearly as possible in the manner of the British working man, appeared on the extreme right, and marched past with colours flying.

When the approaching tramp and order of these brave men fell upon their ears, the crowd could no longer restrain themselves. Loud shouts of “Tweebosch!” and the names of other well-fought fields whereon they had fought and bled for us, rose from the three educated men who were to be discovered in that vast assembly. As the legion passed the stand itself, and turned eyes right to the majestic figure that had enrolled them in the common service of the Island Race, a great song, of which the words were at first indistinct, rose spontaneously from various parts of the parade: within a few seconds half a million undaunted voices were giving forth the great Song of Empire:

“Whoi carn’t every man ’Ave three woives!”

Spurred by such emotions, the crowd broke through the cordon which had hitherto been stoutly maintained by a body of Mr. Brodrick’s recruits, and made a rush for the grand stand; it unfortunately collapsed under the multitude of those attempting to honour their leader by a personal embrace. Perhaps no fitter termination could have been imagined for a scene which marked a turning point in the history of the Horse Guards’ Parade.

The Colonial Secretary, it need scarcely be added, did not remain to receive this last testimony to his popularity, but the beginning of the enthusiastic movement in the crowd was enough to convince him that he had thousands at his back, and, as Napoleon is reported to have said to his coachman after Waterloo, “With such numbers behind him a man should be capable of all things.”

REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE

APPOINTED TO

SIT HARD UPON

THE FISCAL CONDITIONS

OF THE

MOTHERLAND.

_Made to the Cabinet in Full Session, crowned, robed, and regardant, and ordered to be enrolled among the Imperial Archives_

=Under the Great Seal, the Privy Seal, and the Mace Statuant.=

YOUR COMMITTEE--

Did first consider whether they should pursue the course of stating their reasons before their conclusions; or, secondly, their conclusions before their reasons; or, thirdly, their reasons only; or, fourthly, their conclusions only; or, fifthly, a sort of rhodomontade in which there should be neither reasons nor conclusions, as is the more common practice. Your Committee divided upon each of these questions, when it appeared that--

The first course was rejected unanimously. The second course was rejected by acclamation. The third course was rejected by inspiration. The fourth course was rejected by infatuation. The fifth course was rejected by error.

It having thus arrived, in the heat of the moment, that Your Committee had by accident rejected all courses, and had nothing left to go upon--there being no precedent for such a misadventure--

YOUR COMMITTEE

Thereupon decided to begin _de novo et ab ovo_, and there was drawn up by

YOUR COMMITTEE, with the aid of an expert prose-writer, a majority report, in the following tenor:--

=SECTION I.= YOUR COMMITTEE are of opinion, after hearing all the evidence presented to them, that--

_The Empire cannot go on like this._ It is amply proved that not only Great Britain and Ireland, but the Colonies also, are and have been for many years increasing in wealth, population, and power, to the grave detriment of the Christian Virtues of Humility and Holy Dread. It is further proved beyond cavil that the cheapness of goods of all kinds has enabled the mass of the population to live riotously, has destroyed thrift, impaired industry, and even threatened that Sobriety which had hitherto been the chief mark of our race.

=SECTION II.= There is, however, another side of the picture. Not only Great Britain and Ireland, but the Colonies also, are on the verge of bankruptcy; their population is for the most part starving; in many districts, notably in Lancashire, the Isle of Thanet, Manitoba, and the Wagga-Muri country, N.S.W., the wretched populace subsist on grass like beasts of the field, and have lost all semblance of human form. Even the wealthy classes have felt the pinch. Three furnished houses in South Audley Street are untenanted, and it has been necessary to provide out-door relief for the clergy.

=SECTION III.= Gold has accumulated so rapidly of late years as at once to clog the main channels of business, and to make men lose all sense of the value of the precious metal. An increase of five million pounds a year in the circulating medium of the country cannot be regarded without alarm. Innumerable 10_s._ bits are carelessly mistaken for sixpences. Whole sovereigns are dropped in cabs, and capitalists of great prominence allow vast sums to be withdrawn by fraud from their balances at the banks. The precious metals are used in making cigarette cases, medals, and statuettes, and are even wantonly wasted upon objects of superstition in the churches. All these evils undoubtedly proceed from what Professor Macfadden has called “The Plethora of Gold.”

=SECTION IV.= Meanwhile there is an awful and hitherto irresistible drain of gold from every port in the kingdom. Most of our population, even those betraying every outward sign of prosperity, say that “they do not know where to turn for money.” The young men at our universities are all of them deeply in debt, and even the old men are often pretty dicky.

Four Colonial loans have failed during the year.

Mr. Seddon informs us that a paltry reward offered him by a grateful nation had to be raised in no less than five instalments. Indeed, he was for a long time most anxious about the fifth.

It is extremely difficult to get change.

Numerous cases are on record in which gentlemen of good birth have found themselves in omnibuses without the means to pay their fare. Some of them have been thrown out with violence.

Short temporary loans, such as could once be negotiated by friends for nothing, can now only be raised upon ruinous terms--sometimes as much as 60 per cent.--from total strangers.

Paper is everywhere creeping in in the place of metal, in the shape of cheques, bank-notes, stamps, I.O.U.s, and dunning letters: a state of affairs rather worthy of Spain than of a Race which has spread its language over half the new world.

All these evils are most undoubtedly caused by the drain of gold.

=SECTION V.= Foreign nations, in a fit of madness, are perpetually forcing presents upon us, to the ruin of our legitimate trade. Patriots who attempt to refuse these gifts are met by threats.

A well-known alderman, of Peckham, who persistently bought English wine in preference to foreign trash, has recently died in torment under the suspicion of poison.

A promising young clerk and poet, known as Balmy Jim, who dressed exclusively in clothes of his own manufacture, has been discovered hanging to a tree in Richmond Park.

The Rev. Charles Henty, Fellow of St. Barnabas, who broke a lot of glass in Kew Gardens to encourage English glazing, has been incarcerated.

=SECTION VI.= No less than fourteen professors of political economy have pointed out, in a very able manifesto, that they differ from some of the most remarkable of our politicians upon fiscal matters. This alone should show the intense interest aroused by the whole question, and the absurdity of pretending that an inquiry was not demanded.

=SECTION VII.= We are informed by our colleagues that they have been scurrilously attacked by no less than fourteen pedants, whom they believe to be in the pay of foreign powers. This is not the kind of accusation that can be proved or disproved. It suffices to show the importance of the issues before us.

=SECTION VIII.= The Editors of the _Daily Mail_, of the _Spectator_, of the _Standard_, and so forth, have suddenly turned nasty against the Editors of the _Times_, the _Daily Express_, the _Globe_, and what not, whoever they may be. This alone should show, &c., &c.

=SECTION IX.= The Duke of Devonshire has made some most irritating remarks, so has Sir John Gorst. This alone, &c., &c.

* * * * *

YOUR COMMITTEE are, therefore, totally unable to make up their minds what on earth should be done.

It is quite impossible to decide.

They are on the horns of a dilemma.

They are in the utmost perturbation.

They heartily wish you had not asked them to undertake this task.

* * * * *

And Your Commissioners will ever pray, &c.

PRINTED BY R. FOLKARD AND SON, 22, DEVONSHIRE STREET, QUEEN SQUARE, BLOOMSBURY, LONDON, W.C.

Footnotes

[1] Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to our Fellow Creatures However Humble.

Transcriber’s Notes

This eBook makes the following corrections to the printed text:

Page 10 -profit so acquired? +profit so acquired?” Page 10 -tackle him, father.... +tackle him, father....” Page 36 -WITNESS Certainly I refused +WITNESS: Certainly I refused Page 53 -a very few moments +a very few moments.