Part 2

Mr. LUTWORTHY (_pleasantly_): Let me make it perfectly clear. (_The whole Committee here leant forward with the utmost attention._) Let us suppose this (_taking up the Book on which he had been sworn_) to be a king-bolt. Each king-bolt has at the centre what is known as a _flange attachment_, as might be this. (_The witness then constructed a complicated thing out of a piece of paper lying near, and stuck it all round the Book._) Now, to attach the flange attachment so as to be attachable and detachable, it is necessary to--(_here the witness looked all round the table anxiously_)--Oh! yes. There; that will do!--(_picking up a pencil_)--to affix either to it or to its bevel a catch, as might be this pencil, so. (_The witness here suited the action to the word._) Now, the Germans, instead of _that_, which is the right way, they drop the counter, lift the main-ratch, and so get all the head-gear into one piece. (_Here the witness paused with a set, angry face; several people in the well of the Court cried “Shame!” and Mr. Balfour’s hand trembled. Then Mr. Lutworthy added in a shaking voice_): One can do nothing against that kind of hitting below the belt.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: And you took that lying down!

Mr. LUTWORTHY (_despairingly_): I had to. What could I do? If the bevel had been galvanised or plated, or even treated with mercury in the original patent, I might have shifted the catch myself. But as it was--(_fiercely_)--Oh! how I have struggled!

Lord LANSDOWNE (_in a deep voice_): It is not for long!

The witness here stood down with a bowed head.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_briskly_): Next!

Sir CHARLES CASTLEGATE, introduced between two policemen, deposed that: As the results of his bankruptcy were still at issue, he must speak guardedly.

Lord HALSBURY (_sympathetically_): We quite understand, Sir Charles ... pray continue.

Sir CHARLES (_hurriedly_): I have been concerned, as a company-promoter and member of the Carlton Club, with gyroscopes, penny-in-the-slot machines, atmospheric double-gear brakes, man-lifting kites, clenched carrying chains, and many other labour-saving devices. I will deal first with the auto-motor-sheaf-binder. It was originally all British. (_At this point Mr. Balfour handed a note marked “Urgent” to a messenger, who rushed from the room._) It was originally all British. Now, what happened? I will make myself clear. In every sheaf-binding machine the essential parts are a “binder” and a “clutch.” Now, the binder is familiar to you all ... (_Here some clamour seemed to rise from the street_) the clutch is more complicated. You must consider these in the clutch. Either the pick and the main-nut or (which is much the same) the spring, the oil-pan, and the “dagger.” I will draw a rough sketch.... (_As the prisoner leant over the paper a loud cry of_ “FIRE!” _was raised without, several fire engines were heard ringing their bells and shouting down Whitehall. Immediately afterwards a four-inch stream of water burst into the room and played upon the Court._

_The Committee rose in the utmost trepidation and alarm, and the whole Court poured down the historic staircase. Several young gentlemen were crushed, one beyond recovery, and a grave tragedy was only averted by the presence of mind of Mr. Balfour and Mr. Chamberlain, who escaped with dignity and composure by another entry, and so relieved the pressure. Nevertheless, the fruits of the day were, it is feared, wholly lost, and no conclusion was arrived at._)

DUMPING.

At the fourth meeting of the Cabinet Committee, appointed by its own members, with right of co-option, to discover by what means our Fiscal Relations--suitable, no doubt, for an earlier age--might be brought into closer relation, or relations, with the modern, &c., &c.... All the members arrived most punctually, several peers waiting outside in the rain for some moments before the doors opened. (_Paragraph._)

When the Bench was seated, silence was imposed by the voice of a herald, and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN rose:

He assured the Court he would detain them but a few moments. Lord Byron had wittily said that still waters ran deep, and he, for his part, after a long life spent in close, hard-headed bargaining, had noticed that the less a man said, the more he was worth. It was a rule he himself had always observed. In his conception of Empire, the silent man, who never spoke, but _did_, should rule until he reached the sky.

(_Here Lord Lansdowne began muttering to himself, Lord Halsbury openly pulled out his watch, Mr. Balfour shut his eyes and crossed his legs, and the Duke of Marlborough said “Hear, hear!” in a subdued voice._)

Mr. Chamberlain, continuing in a manner which combined courtesy with firmness, and which was emphasised by his favourite gesture, said that he felt it his duty to mention two painful incidents. One was the premature announcement in the _Daily Mail_ that he was backing down. He had no intention of backing down till next February, and there was an end of that. The second was the misadventure which had broken up last week’s sitting. He alluded to the false alarm of fire, and especially to the pouring of a four-inch stream of water into a building sacred to his own immortal predecessor, Mr. Pitt, the father of Lord Chatham and the Saviour of Europe--the man to whom we owed Gibraltar, and all that Gibraltar stood for.

Whoever gave that false alarm was unworthy of the name of Briton. A pro-Boer newspaper had gone so far as to ascribe it to a conspiracy against him among his own colleagues. (_Here Mr. Chamberlain looked round, and was met by nervous laughter._) It was like a great deal else that such people said; it was a lie.

He had now passed several years in close intimacy with them all, and he could only say that a more honourable and courteous set of men he had never dealt with. He was sure they would reciprocate the feeling.

He could safely say _this_: After visiting in all its extent the majesty of the Empire, and returning to England, he could only ascribe what had been done in his absence to the loyal support of the men around him.

Mr. Chamberlain here sat down. He rose again, however, in a moment, with the words, “I shall detain you but a very few minutes,” and some time after closed an interesting and fruitful speech by saying that the practice of “Dumping” was universally admitted, and that the business before the Court that day would consist in hearing from witnesses the form which the process took in various industries.

The first witness to be called was--

Mr. HENRY SALTER, manager of Messrs. Garrant and Schüler. He was willing to turn King’s Evidence. (_Murmurs._)

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: I hope the witness will be heard with respect. He is doing his duty, as did our brave allies on the veldt, and as did my old friend Le Caron. (_To witness_) Mr. Salter, I am proud to shake you by the hand. I wish I had known you in 1886. Such men are rare.

Witness, continuing, deposed that for no less than eight years past his employers had given away their German bicycles free.

[_Sensation. A furious voice from the well of the court cried, “Let me get at him!” and an Anglo-Saxon of huge stature was with difficulty prevented from making an ugly rush. He turned out to be a patentee of the old style of high bicycles, who had been ruined by the competition of safeties._]

Witness, further examined, estimated the total number of bicycles he had thus offered free at a little over three millions.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_smiling_): Oh, come, Mr. Salter, come!

Mr. SALTER (_shuffling uneasily_): Business is business, my lord. (_Loud laughter, in which Mr. Chamberlain joined._) There’s nothing to laugh at. Every man must make the best of himself.

Lord LANSDOWNE: How were these bicycles bestowed? Did you ask people to your country house, and give them by way of their private secretaries, or did you forget to send in the bill?

Mr. SALTER: Neither, Sir Thomas; we put an advertisement in the papers, saying, a “£12 bicycle given away free.”

Mr. BALFOUR (_with interest_): I have seen such advertisements, but I never understood what they meant. The words alone seem to make no sense.

Mr. SALTER (_eagerly_): They do, indeed, sir! All the competitors had to do was to send 1_s._ 6_d._ in stamps, and to get orders for ten other bicycles. (_A pause, after which the witness added, anxiously_) Am I free now?

Mr. BALFOUR (_in confusion_): Yes--I suppose so--you may go.

Mr. SALTER: Yes. But I mean----They can’t do anything to me?

Lord HALSBURY (_peevishly_): No! no! no! My good man! All this is privileged, of course.

[_The witness, heaving a deep sigh of relief, walked slowly and rather insolently past two policemen, and sauntered into the street, where he was at once arrested._]

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_briskly_): That settles Bicycles. Now for Powder! Next!

[_At the mention of “Powder” there stepped forward a most popular gentleman, with whom all members of the Committee warmly shook hands._]

WITNESS, examined, swore that while his discovery was still in the experimental stage, a hideous foreigner had appeared at his works, and had proposed “a deal.” This foreigner produced a sample of Powder which exploded practically at any moment the gunner might choose; at other times--in magazines or manufactories--the Powder would not explode. It kept in hot climates, and spread no disease aboard ship. It was certainly a most remarkable product. The foreigner proposed that they should furnish it to the Government as witness’s own, and share profits. (_Indignation._)

Lord LANSDOWNE: And you refused?

WITNESS: Certainly I refused, Lansdowne! I was not given my monopoly to let in foreign spies!

Mr. BALFOUR: We owe you a profound debt of gratitude!

WITNESS (_visibly affected_): Thank you, Arthur. I can only repay you all by loyal service; and I think your kindness will be partly justified when I tell you that I am within sight of producing powder that explodes. Some has already gone off by accident in one of my sheds and killed a German.

[_Witness here shook hands again warmly all round and went out._]

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: Oil! Next!

Mr. ELIHU Z. KAPPER swore that he was an American. In 1872 he first began to import mineral oil into this country. The people took kindly to it, and used it in a thousand ways. By 1880 he was importing 50,000 gallons a year of it. Meanwhile he was chiselled out by Mr. Rockefeller, and left to freeze. Mr. Rockefeller was a great man. He (witness) had then turned his attention to the English field, and had discovered vast lakes of oil in Devon, Norfolk, Denbigh, Cumberland, and Rutland. He had floated ten companies.

Mr. BALFOUR (_aside_): Wasted capital!

WITNESS: They had all gone bankrupt, and their bankruptcy was undoubtedly due to underselling from America. England had more undeveloped oil than any other country in the world.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: Now let me put you a practical question. If we prohibited the import of foreign oil, could you float an eleventh company?

Mr. KAPPER (_promptly_): I have an eleventh floated already, Secretary--I could float a twelfth.

Witness was succeeded by young Mr. GARRY, of Steynton Hall, Rugby, who swore that a foreigner, a Prince, had met him at the Savoy last June, and had given him several articles of foreign manufacture--a cane, a match-box, a dachshund, a wrist-watch, and a dozen of hock. In return he had given nothing. He had lent the Prince sums of money on various occasions, but it had all remained in the country.

The next witness was Lord RUSTINGTON. His lordship was visibly affected by illness, and his face, framed by great whiskers, bore an anxious and even irritable expression. He hobbled on a stick and said “thank you” to an assistant who offered him a chair. He had received the summons. He was willing to give evidence on dumping. It was a growing evil. At first (in his case) tin cans, packing boxes, and paper were the only things to complain of. Last year boots were found.

Mr. GERALD BALFOUR (_puzzled_): How “found”?

WITNESS (_testily_): Please let me finish what I was going to say!... Were found, I say, and occasionally empty bottles as well----

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: But, surely----

WITNESS (_angrily_): Will you let me finish a sentence? Empty bottles, certainly, empty bottles. And this year it was awful. Old rakes, broken wheels, heaps of filthy hats, baskets, and--it might seem incredible--an old mowing-machine.

Cross-examined on the place of origin of these imports, witness said: It was the gipsies. They always camped near that corner of the home farm on the Pulboro’-road. They threw all sorts of things over the hedge----

Mr. BALFOUR (_firmly_): There is some error. This can have nothing to do with our inquiry. My dear Lord Rustentown----

WITNESS: Rustington!

[_At this point the Committee consulted. After a little whispering Mr. Balfour explained with the utmost gentleness that there had been a mistake. The summons should have been sent to Lord Rustentown, the well-known ironfounder, money-lender, newspaper-proprietor, and supporter of the Government. If any apology of his----_]

_Witness_ in a towering passion declared that the fault lay with this Government and their accursed folly in flooding the country with new peers and letting them take any accursed name they fancied. In the course of his remarks witness struck his game foot with his stick, and thereupon became so violent that he was compelled to retire.

There succeeded a dignified silence of some few minutes, at the close of which Lord Halsbury said:

Lord HALSBURY: Humph!

His lordship then rose to his full height and strode solemnly out of the room.

Mr. GERALD BALFOUR was the next to leave. He hurried through the door without a word. The PRIME MINISTER followed him, talking to himself.

Lord LANSDOWNE smiled a little anxiously, looked right and left at his colleagues, tapped on the table with his fingers, and then got up in his turn and went out in a thoughtful manner.

Throughout this painful scene Mr. CHAMBERLAIN sat immovable, with a fixed stare and with set lips. At last, in a tone of characteristic energy and resource, he broke the silence with the cry of “_Next!_” But in the universal uncertainty and alarm no one responded to the summons.

The unnatural tension was relaxed by the abrupt departure of the three remaining members of the Court, Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN preceding his father, the Duke of MARLBOROUGH following his chief.

As the audience dispersed, the gloomiest forebodings arose upon the subject of the next sitting.

THE ANIMALS.

The fifth--and, in some respects, or, as Mr. Balfour has put it, “in many ways,” the most important--meeting of the Cabinet Committee appointed to Inquire upon the Causes of our National Decline, and to suggest some Remedy Therefor, was held at Downing Street in the usual place: the little room on the first floor to the left of the door.

The window, sketches of which have already appeared in the illustrated papers, may be distinguished by the new and perfectly clean panes of glass replacing those broken during the recent alarm of Fire.

A large crowd began to assemble at two o’clock outside the premises wherein the tragedy was to take place, and it was with difficulty that a number of policemen in plain clothes, but shod in the regulation boots, kept a lane open through the anxious though good-natured populace.

Mr. Chamberlain was the first to arrive, accompanied by the Postmaster-General. They came on foot, faultlessly dressed and apparently in the highest good humour.

Shortly afterwards the Duke of Marlborough appeared in the lowest good humour; he was on horseback, and bore several very large volumes precariously under one arm. The crowd waited in vain for the other members of the Committee; they did not come.

Meanwhile it was explained to the Court within that the three members present constituted a quorum, and the sitting was opened by

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN rising and saying he would detain them but a very few moments. He pointed out that his opponents were perpetually harping sordidly upon the mere economic evils which might follow the introduction of Preferential Free Trade. To reply to these criticisms might have baffled a man of less determination; he could not ask volunteers to come forward and submit themselves to the test, and his--he supposed he must call him his honourable--friend had refused to lend the Boer Prisoners still (he was glad to say) in captivity. He had surmounted those difficulties. He would call a number of living animals upon whom the whole scheme, from the recent procedure in Parliament to the effect of cheap tobacco upon the stomach, had been tried. (_To the Door-keeper._) Let loose the----

The proceedings were here interrupted by Counsel for the Cobden Club, who rose and said he had a “replevin et demurrer” to lay before the Court. He believed such action to be cognisable under the writ “de Hæretico Comburendo,” and submitted, in all respect, that it was indictable by the Chartered Secretary of the S.P.C.F.C.H.H.[1] before the Justices in Eyre or in Chambers.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, holding in his hand a little slip of paper, spoke in his legal capacity as member of the Privy Council; still deciphering the said slip, he pointed out that the jurisdiction of the Courts Seizined was inferior to that of the Courts “En Plein” such as was this Court. He was sure of his facts. He would allow no interruption, contradiction, observation, Garrant in Warren or in Main, Bart, Blaspheme or Marraeny, under pain of contempt. He trusted his learned brother (turning to the Duke of Marlborough) would agree with him.

The Duke of MARLBOROUGH, rising with his hands clasped behind his back, spoke in so low a tone that he could hardly be heard. He was understood to say that it was all right.

Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN, speaking _De Auctoritate Suâ_, said they had heard the opinion of the greatest statesman and jurist in England, and also of one who, as one of the highest members of the Highest Court in the Realm--the House of Lords--was an unimpeachable authority.

The Court thus agreeing, Counsel for the Cobden Club was fined a hundred pounds for contempt, and the Inquiry proceeded.

The first witness to be called was a HORSE.

As it was evidently impious to swear the animal, and impossible to take his affirmation with hand lifted over the head in the Agnostic style, he was allowed to pledge himself by proxy that he would do nothing for the sake of gain, prejudice, hate, love, favour, or worldly advantage.

The TRAINER then explained that the horse would prove to demonstration that muzzling produced no ill effect upon living creatures.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: Have you tried the experiment upon Human Beings?

The TRAINER: No.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: No _what_?

The TRAINER: No, your worship.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_sternly_): That is better.... (_Gently_) You have not tried it upon Human Beings because you thought an experiment _in corporis viro_ would suffice?

The TRAINER: ...? ...?

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_testily_): Do you hear me?

The TRAINER (_sulkily_): Yus!

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_to the Court, and especially to the Press_): The Horse, you will observe, is free. He can whinny, neigh, or bite at will. Observe!

(_At this word a gentleman called_ JAMES _ran a pin into the_ WITNESS, _who thereupon lashed out a violent kick against the wall._)

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: He shall now be muzzled.

(_A large leathern bag completely enveloping its head and mane was put over the witness, who thereupon shuffled uneasily, as though bewildered._)

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: Now!

(Mr. JAMES _again touched up the witness with the pin. Instead of kicking, the witness danced in an agitated manner and went through various contortions_.)

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: I think no further proof is needed of the advantage--or at any rate the innoxiousness--of the muzzle or gag. I trust the experiment will put an end to those foolish complaints in Parliament and the Press which have recently caused the continent itself to sneer. Next!

The next witnesses called were TWO PIGS.

The Counsel for the Cobden Club, at the risk of his fortune, rose to protest. His disclaim was not so much against the Pigs themselves (_porcs de soi_), for the Court had allowed them, and he (_emphatically_) was not there to contradict the superior wisdom of the Court. It was rather against the presence of _two_ witnesses in the box at the same time. It was wholly opposed to the spirit of Our English Law. Latterly that spirit had been attacked in a hundred ways: Prisoners could speak for themselves, even solicitors--he was ashamed to say--could plead in inferior Courts, but two witnesses in the same box was more, he thought, than the temper that produced an Eldon and a Halsbury could stand. Let alone the relaxation of the moral bond (for how could these two witnesses feel in common the awful meaning of an individual oath?) let alone the moral bond....

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_suddenly_): You are making a speech!

The Counsel for the Cobden Club was then taken off to prison. The Inquiry proceeded.

The WITNESSES solemnly deposed by another’s mouth (as do infants in baptism) that they were born of one litter in the beautiful old-world village of....

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: Go on! go on!

WITNESSES, continuing, affirmed that they were reared in the same way to the age of six months. It was then determined to feed the one (Tom) in the Protectionist, the other (Bill) in the Free Trade spirit. All manner of food was stuffed into the latter at all hours; the former had a sparse meal once a week of honest English husks and bean-pods, with a little straw. Look at them now! “Kruger,” the free-trader pig, was so fat he could hardly walk. His life was a burden: he implored the release of death. “Roosevelt,” on the other hand, was a frisky, amiable, and active pig, capable of the most amusing tricks, and a fit companion for the best wits of the age.

The WITNESSES then stood down after receiving the thanks of the Court.

A FERRET, two DORMICE, and a CAPERCAILZIE having been heard to little effect,

A BOA-CONSTRICTOR was called to show that indirect taxation was capable of indefinite expansion, and a HIPPOPOTAMUS to satisfy the Court that a broad basis was synonymous with stability.

A TRAINED LION was sworn, and showed, in the most amusing manner, under the artificial stimulus of a trainer with a whip, how in old age, with his teeth drawn and his spirit thoroughly broken, even so dangerous a beast could be put to the most useful work: such as rolling a log, balancing a see-saw, ploughing the sand, wiping something off a slate, doing a little spade work, and even roaring at command more loudly than in youth. The Imperial Brute was dressed in a large Union-Jack, and while it provided instruction afforded also entertainment to the company.

Many other witnesses, subpœnaed at enormous expense, carried conviction to all present, when Mr. CHAMBERLAIN ordered to be introduced the ELEPHANT, presented by our Friend and Ally, the Maharajah of Gûm.