Part 33

"Gad, sir," said he, "I walked off--I admit the Teneriffe to have been potent--and I thought of one thing, and another thing, and I believe I thought of all the things in the world, except the way which I was going. They say, you know, some men have every sense but common sense--my case to a hair. Common sense is like flour; the other sort of sense is like sugar and gilding, and all the rest of those things--beautiful to adorn a cake and embellish the _pâtisserie_, but, without the flour, mere ornaments; now, without the ornaments, the flour will make bread. I never had the flour--never shall have. So you perceive that the sugar and the flummery being my staple, on I went and went, until I began to think I had missed my way, and just then I found myself stopped by a gate opening into--or, rather, shutting me out of--a remarkably well-stocked farm-yard--ricks, stacks, stables, barns--everything comfortable and convenient; with half a million cocks and hens, walking about like ladies and gentlemen, all as happy as happy could be. Over the gate I stepped, waded my way through the straw, and, leaning over the hatch of one of his outhouses, who should I see but the farmer himself. As I advanced, he touched his hat, and civilly asked whether I had had much sport?

"'Not much,' said I, recollecting that the whole contents of my bag now amounted to one elderly rabbit, with a Cape tail; 'I am on my way to Wrigglesworth, and out of it, too, as I think. How far have I to go?'

"'Seven miles, I count,' said the farmer. 'You are coming right away from it, sir. Wrigglesworth lies over there, on your left.'

"'Thank you,' said I, 'thank you. If you will just give me a sort of concise direction,--I am a dab at topography. Merely give me the points, and I'll go across a country I never saw in my life before.'

"'Well, sir,' said the kind fellow, 'if so be as that is the case, I'll tell you. When you get out of the gate down there, turn to your left, and keep on straight till you come to Pussy's Nob; then away to the right, over Sumpter's Green, and you'll soon see the Crooked Billet. Don't go near that, but turn short round by Wheatley's Copse; keep on, till you come to the stile on your left; go over that, through Timsbury's Lane, and that will bring you out by the Three Mackerel, and there they'll be sure to put you in the right road.'

"'Thank you,' said I to the farmer, 'I will follow your instructions most implicitly; but I suppose I shall have no chance of getting a shot, now, in that direction--even at a pheasant-roosting--eh?'

"'No, sir,' said the farmer, 'can't say as how I think you will get many more shots this evening.'

"'Well,' said I, 'now both my barrels are loaded. I've got nothing in my bag but an old buck rabbit with a nob tail; and as I hate going home with no proofs of my sport, and the one head--or tail--that I have bagged takes the domestic character, what shall I give you to have a shot with both barrels at all those ducks in the pond, and the fowls on the side of it, standing here, and to carry away what I kill?'

"'You'll kill a woundy sight on 'em, I think, at that distance,' said the considerate farmer.

"'Perhaps yes--perhaps no,' said I.

"'And to have all you kill?' said he, doubtingly.

"'Yes; all I kill fairly out-and-out,' said I.

"'Why, you shall give me half-a-guinea,' said the man.

"'Half-a-guinea!' echoed I. 'No, no; if I kill three or four of them it will be the outside. No; I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll stand here--won't move an inch; and you shall have a seven-shilling piece for the slaughter.'

"'Well, sir,' said the farmer, hitching up his lower garments, 'a bargain's a bargain. Hand over the twine.'

"Whereupon," said Daly, "I tipped him that beautiful miniature portrait of half-a-guinea, and told him I was ready to take my shots. He nodded assent; and, having pocketed the money, bade me proceed. I did so. Crack went one barrel--bang! slap went the other--bang!--and such a fluttering, and cackling, and squashing, and squabbling you never heard. I ran forward, and secured, as my spoil, four hens in high condition, a very respectable cock, fit companion for my rabbit; and from the pond fished, with the butt-end of my Manton, two extremely corpulent ducks, who had paid the debt of nature in the most decided manner; these I got out, the others I got up, and stuffed them all incontinently into my bag, delighted to think what a display I should make at Wrigglesworth, where it was quite clear I could, by no possibility, arrive in time for dinner. However, that was _my_ joke, and it seemed to be the farmer's; he laughed quite as much as I did."

"Inherent good humour, I suppose," said I.

"Why, as for that," said Daly, "_you_ shall judge. I bagged my birds in the first instance; and then, having secured my booty, began to rally my victim; and having acknowledged his civility in giving me my travelling directions, said to him, with a low bow, 'Thank you for the game, sir.'

"'Yes, sir,' said the farmer, 'you are a deuced sight better shot than I counted upon, considering what you had in your bag afore.'

"'Yes,' said I, 'I think you are what you may call "done." Seven shillings won't pay for the poultry in my pouch, I guess.'

"'No,' said the farmer, 'nor three times the money, I count.'

"'Well, then,' replied I, 'I think I have the best of the bargain.'

"'Not much,' said the man.

"'Not much!' cried I; 'why, a guinea's worth of fowls for a seven-shilling piece----'

"'Yees, sir, that's true,' said the fellow, turning slowly away from the hatch, and grinning as he turned; '_but they are none on 'em mine_.'

"I could have killed him for his roguery; but there was so much fun in it----"

"----So much in your own way," cried I.

"Exactly so," said Daly; "that, instead of breaking his head, which he most righteously deserved, I joined in his infernal horse-laugh, and made the best of my way out of the farm-yard, lest I should be immediately apprehended by the right owner as a robber of hen-roosts."

"And," said I, "you carried home your spoils."

"Not I," exclaimed my unstoppable companion. "Take some wine--help yourself--and listen; for the sequel is most terrible. I had _such_ a night of it!"

"How?" said I.

"Why," said Daly, "out of the gate I went, turned to my left, and got to Pussy's Nob; but it began to get dusk, and very soon afterwards dark; and when I began veering away over Sumpter's Green, I found myself on a wide common, without path, guide, or guide-post. As the darkness increased, so did the declivity; and when I had lost all power of seeing, I was gratified by feeling myself in a sort of quagmire, which, for all I knew, might get softer and thicker every step I took. I looked out for the stars, and saw a few: but they were of no kind of use to me; for I had not the slightest idea what direction, even under their guidance, I ought to take. I resolved to avoid the bogs; and kept edging away, until I at length reached a gap, which, as it led off the infernal common, I hoped might lead me to some habitation."

"Where spring-guns and steel-traps were set every night," said I.

"Not a bit of it," said Daly. "I went on, following my nose, until I found myself at the edge of a copse, which I began to think looked extremely like Squire Bagswash's preserve. However, it was not _that_; but I heard people talking at no great distance, and a call of 'Halloo!' How to act I did not exactly know, with a gun and a bagfull of cocks and hens, and a venerable rabbit to boot. What could I do? To have answered the call would have been to be detected as a poacher in the dark. I resolved, at all events, on getting rid of my poultry in the first instance, and accordingly emptied my store, rabbit, tail, and all, and proceeded somewhat more gaily after having thrown out my ballast; yet not without some apprehension, either of being shot by the keepers for a poacher, or by the poachers for a keeper; I so got clear of the whistling firs and moaning larches as fast as I could, still utterly ignorant of my course."

"And getting late," said I.

"It must then have been past eight," said Daly. "On I trudged; scrambled over the furrows of one field, and through the turnips in another; and so on and on, until at last I was forced to sit myself down on a gate and rest; and, I give you my word, although I have known a great deal of the world, I never was so dead beat in my life as I was then. Not a house could I see. The glimmering of a rushlight in a cottage window would, in my eyes, have been thrice more brilliant than the whole regalia of England collected. But no: there were no cottages--no rushlights; and I do believe I went the length of swearing at my own stupidity in undertaking my solitary excursion. Only one set-off was there to the whole thing;--I had seen the Bagswashes, male and female, and laid in materials for an _historiette_ for the next evening--that is, if I really survived the present one; but I began to feel cold, and hungry, and thirsty. However, it appeared pretty certain that out of the fields I must get, if I went straight on end, and could not well fail of fetching up in a road somewhere at last."

"Which, as you are here alive to tell the tale," said I, "of course you did."

"Why, yes," said Daly, "I did; but it was not for a long time; and then I had come to a full stop; and, striking the butt of my Manton on the ground, I swore, by stock and barrel, that I would not budge from under a huge tree which overshadowed me till daylight came to my aid. I was ravenous--I was chilled--I was wretched--I was tired to death; but why tire myself more?--and accordingly, feeling, and I daresay looking, very like the dear Don of La Mancha, I sat myself down with my back against the trunk, and, if you'll believe me, fell fast asleep."

"Asleep!" said I.

"Fast as a church," said Daly, "and dreamt--dreamt, first, that I was starving,--_that_, I think, must have been a sort of waking vision; then, that I was at a ball; and then I dreamt of being safe back at mine host's hospitable mansion; and then I had a confused, hurly-burly kind of a dream, either that I was Sir Marmaduke Wrigglesworth, or that Lady Wrigglesworth was Mrs. Daly, or something of that sort, and that I tumbled out of bed, which tumble was to me a 'dying fall;' for I rolled over on my side, and woke--in no bed--in no house, but where I had lain me down, under the tree before-mentioned."

"You must have caught your death of cold?" said I.

"No, Dalys and cats are very tenacious," said my jocular friend; "I roused myself--sat up and listened--recollected where I was, and heard at the same moment what was really 'sweet music to mine ear,' the sound of a bell-team. Ho! ho! says I--you are _there_, are you?--where there are bells there are horses--where there's a team there's a waggon--where there's a waggon there's a road--up I jumped, and as fast as I could, just roused from my slumbers, scrambled over brambles and clambered over fences, until I caught sight of the waggoner's lantern waggling on the side of the tilt like a bright pendulum to regulate the wheels; the moment I saw _that_ I knew I was landed, and, after encountering a few of those thumps and bumps which 'flesh is heir to,' found myself on a high road. Waggons, even those called 'flies,' may be overtaken, and although dead beat, and sore of foot, I soon came up with the eight plaited-tailed animals which were dragging the mountain, second only in size to the Juggernaut idol.

"My first object was to ascertain where I was, and what the direction of the vast pile before me. I found, to my particular satisfaction, that I was within two miles of Ripley, and that the edifice was moving towards London--the result was, an involuntary spring upon the shafts of the vehicle, and a look at the waggoner, which, by the light of his revolver, was perfectly intelligible. The gun, the gaiters, the grace, and the gentility, spoke the gentleman, and he gave me leave to assume the post which he himself was prevented by Act of Parliament from occupying. All my sorrows fled the moment I felt myself moved along without any personal exertion, and the smiles which had nearly been exhausted during my toil and trouble, returned, as Moore sings, to 'gild my brow.' 'I have had walking enough,' said I to myself, 'and grieving enough--_nunc est ridendum_.'"

"Excellent wag!" said I.

"Excellent waggon, rather," said Daly, "for so it proved; and after three-quarters of an hour's hard tugging by the '_bell_ assemblée' before me, I was dropped, gun, gaiters, bag, and all, at the door of the Talbot--facing the Green. I tipped my driver--bade adieu to the tilt--and began knocking loudly at the door of mine ostlery."

"And a nice enough inn it is," said I.

"It turned out to be past midnight," said Daly; "and, by the merest luck in the world, the exemplary widow who then occupied it had not gone to her rest, or roost. She personally answered my call, and replied to my knock. After a few preliminary 'Who's there's?' she opened the door; and the moment she recognised me--for I was well known upon the road--her delight, as you may conceive, was unspeakable.

"'Bless my heart, Mr. Daly,' said the widow, 'what a time o' night to be strolling about with your gun! Why, where do _you_ come from?'

"'That,' said I, 'is about the last question in the world I can answer satisfactorily. I have been wandering across a country with which I am not particularly well acquainted--have tired myself to death, and fallen asleep.'

"'Fallen indeed,' said mine hostess, 'into a ditch, Mr. Daly, I should think. Why, dear me, what a condition you are in!'

"'Exactly,' said I; 'recumbent repose in October under an oak, is not particularly delicate; however, my darling, give me some supper, some hot brandy and water, and order me the most comfortable bed in the house, for I am a-tired.'

"'Why, sir,' asked the dear woman, 'where is your servant with your clothes--you cannot think of sleeping here in that condition?'

"'Not exactly,' said I; 'I shall take off my clothes when I go to bed--and as for my servant, he is snug and happy at Sir Marmaduke Wrigglesworth's (where I ought to be too), unless they have sent him out with a rake and a lantern to search for me and drag all the horse-ponds in the neighbourhood. I tell you I am hungry--and tired--and shall be very sleepy;--out with your tit-bits and delicacies--something piquant--nice--savoury, eh--and after that, a comfortable nest.'

"'You shall have something to eat,' said the widow, 'and something to drink, for those I can give you myself; but as for a bed, I haven't one in the house--crammed full from top to bottom.'

"'I'm very tired,' said I; I can sleep compact like a dog on a hearth-rug--half a bed will do for me.'

"'Come, Mr. Daly,' said the landlady, 'none of your nonsense--I have no bed whatever to-night, and here it is almost one o'clock--you had better let me ring up the next turn-out, and get back to Wrigglesworth.'

"'Thank you, Fanny,' said I; 'I used to call her Fanny in her husband's time, and he was killed, switching a rasper, three years before; 'not I--I should not get there till nearly four--all the family "in a deep sleep buried,"--no, no--none of _your_ nonsense--where am I to rest?'

"'I told you the truth,' said the widow; 'there's not a bed disengaged.'

"'Not one?' said I--looking, as I fancied, most insinuatingly, and helping myself to a glass of brandy from a bottle covered with a gilt bunch of grapes, at the same time gently pressing the tip of mine hostess's little finger.

"'Not one, upon my life, Mr. Daly,' replied she; 'indeed, we are so full, that my sister Jane, who is here, is obliged to sleep with _me_.'

"'That's very unfortunate indeed,' said I; 'however, I rejoice that you have so much custom--all's good for trade--at all events, let me eat--let me warm myself--both in the sunshine of those bright eyes, and in the blaze of the parlour fire.'

"Mine hostess proceeded to make me exceedingly comfortable--I ate cold fowl and ham, and drank hot brandy and water, and eventually punch. Mine hostess sipped shrub--a liquor which, if it were _liqueur_, would rank fathoms above either Curaçao or Maraschino--till at last the clock striking two, reminded her it was time to go to bed.

"'Ah,' said I, 'that is extremely just and proper. But, alas! I am like my melancholy little friend who was "very gentil, but whose hair came a leetle through the top of his hat,"--I have no bed to go to.'

"'It's very provoking,' said the landlady, 'so tired as you are, too.'

"'It is, indeed,' replied I--seeing a proposition of some sort or other on the tip of her tongue.

"'Now,' said she, looking remarkably serious, 'can I trust you--will you promise me, if I give you a bed, to do as I bid you, Mr. Daly?'

"'Your commands,' said I, 'shall be obeyed to the letter--only let me rest myself quietly and comfortably--it is all I ask--for never was poor devil so tired in his life as I.'

"'Take a drop more punch, Mr. Daly,' said my landlady, 'it will make you sleep the sounder.'

"'No fear of that,' said I; 'but what do you propose?'

"'Why,' said mine hostess, 'I _have_ one bed unoccupied.'

"'Why didn't you say so before?' cried I.

"'I'll tell you why,' said my fair friend; 'it's a double-bedded room, and the other bed is occupied by a----'

"'----snoring farmer, from Farnham,' said I; 'or perhaps a tight-skinned sailor, walking his way to town from Portsmouth.'

"'No,' said she, looking very pathetic--and very pretty by the way--'by a lady.'

"'A lady,' said I, 'oh, charming thought!----'

"'There it is,' interrupted the lady, 'that's just what I expected, you are all fire and tow--alight in a moment--now I shall not say another word, and you must sleep, if you _will_ sleep here, in the arm-chair by the fire.'

"'No,' said I, 'no--don't be angry--I didn't know--I thought----'

"'Yes, Mr. Daly, that's what you are always thinking, I believe,' said mine hostess, 'but that won't do--the lady who occupies the other bed in the double-bedded room is a sad invalid; she has been stopping here for some time, and the only rest she gets is by dint of laudanum, which the doctor gives her in large doses, and she sleeps soundly during the night, which makes up for the sufferings she endures by day. If you choose to behave well--and, tired as you are, I don't like to turn you out or leave you here--you shall have the other bed. You must go gently into the room, and when you are in bed I will come and take away your candle; and as I sleep in the next room, if you don't remain perfectly quiet I shall insist upon your getting up and coming down again here into the bar.'

"'Agreed,' said I, 'I only ask for a bed--all I want is rest--I am scarcely able to walk or stand, therefore I agree to your condition; let me finish my punch, and marshal me the way I should go.'

"After looking at me suspiciously and hesitatingly for a minute or two, my dear landlady agreed to trust me; and accordingly having seen that my bed was properly prepared she returned, and, lighting a candle, preceded me upstairs, and opening the door of the room put her finger to her lips to enforce silence, whispering me, that when I was in bed I should knock against the wainscot which separated her room from that in which I was to repose, and that she would come and fetch my candle.

"I promised to obey all her injunctions. The curtains of the other bed were closely drawn--I never felt so awkward in my life--but I had promised; yet one peep before the light vanished--no--perhaps the lady would wake and scream, and I should be forthwith ejected. I resolved to keep my faith, at all events till mine hostess was herself asleep, and then see--as far as utter darkness would permit--how the affair would terminate.

"Accordingly, I hurried off my clothes--washed my face, hands, and mouth as gently and quietly as possible, and having concluded my brief preparations for depositing myself on my much longed-for couch, gave the concerted signal, and scarcely was well in my place before my dear landlady entered the room on tip-toe, and, coming up close to the bedside and having whispered 'Now, remember your promise,' took the glimmering light away, and left me in the dark with my fair and slumbering companion.

"There was something very strange in my position; I was tired to death, but somehow I could not sleep. I lay and listened to hear whether my fair _incognita_ would sneeze--or cough--or cry 'hem'--or play off any little coquettish trick which, under the circumstances, I thought probable enough. I durst not move, for _I_ knew I was watched; however, I sat up in the bed and began to wonder. Is it, thought I, an old woman or a young woman?--an invalid is interesting, and, bless her, she must be uncommonly genteel, for she does not snore in the least--a few minutes served to convince me that my landlady did--and I rather rejoiced in the sound of her slumbers, since I thought I might perhaps succeed in attracting the attention of my sleeping partner; and the fact that a gentleman of my very respectable pretensions was so whimsically associated with her--knowing mine hostess's archness--induced me to attribute her readiness to quarter me upon the slumbering beauty, to a foreknowledge on her part that my introduction would not be considered altogether an intrusion.

"After I had satisfied myself that my landlady was really safe, I had recourse to some slight coughs, which do occasionally infest one; but no, my signals were not answered: the dose of laudanum had been particularly strong that night. At last I thought I heard a slight movement. I began to listen till I heard the beating of my own heart, and felt a sort of drumming palpitation in my ears. I held my breath: pshaw, thought I, this woman has been cheating me, the other bed is tenantless,--a trick to try me,--and for what a stupid dolt she will set me down if I don't convince her that I had at least curiosity enough in my composition to ascertain what was in it.

"My feelings fired at the thought. Up I got,--groped my way across the room,--the white dimity drapery being just visible amidst the 'palpable obscure.' I reached the bed,--I paused,--I heard nothing;--I partly opened the curtains at the side, and said in a soft, _very_ soft voice, 'Hem!' No answer. 'Ma'am,--ma'am,' still silent;--'are you there?' said I;--and, placing my hand on the pillow, found she was. Dear, unconscious creature, there she lay, comfortably cuddled up in the clothes, and sleeping, or seeming to sleep, soundly. I was, I admit, on the point of proceeding to awaken her, in order to announce my presence, when, in stepping towards the head of the bed, my foot came in contact with a chair which stood on its right-hand side, which was overthrown with a crash that, in an instant, roused--not my dear opium-drinker--but my lynx-like landlady. I heard her jump out of bed. I jumped into mine, but, in less than two minutes, there she was, like Margaret's 'grimly ghost,' standing before me, loading me with reproaches, and ordering me, in the most peremptory terms, to take the candle, descend the stairs, and dress myself in the parlour behind the bar, and wait until she came down to eject me from the house; seeing that she could have no kind of confidence in a gentleman who had so much confidence in himself.