Part 24

All allusions upon entering a town to the _pound_ and the _stocks_--knowing a man by his gait and not liking his _style_--calling a tall turnpike-keeper a colossus of _roads_--paying the post-boys charges of _ways_ and means--seeing no _sign_ of an _inn_--or, replying, "Sir, you are out," to your friend who says he does--talking of a hedger having a _stake_ in the _bank_--all allusions to _sun_ and _air_ to a new-married couple--all stuff about village _belles_--calling the belfry _a court of a peal_--saying, upon two carpenters putting up paling, that they are very peaceable men to be _fencing in_ a field--all trash about "_manors_ make the man," in the shooting season--and all such stuff about trees, after this fashion--"that's a _pop'lar_ tree--I'll turn over a new _leaf_, and make my _bough_," etc. etc.

Puns upon field sports, such as racing being a matter of _course_--horses _starting_ without being shy--a good shot being fond of his _but_ and his _barrel_--or saying that a man fishing deserves a _rod_ for taking such a _line_; if he is sitting under a _bridge_ calling him an _arch_ fellow--or supposing him a nobleman because he takes his place among the _piers_--or that he will _catch_ nothing but cold, and no fish by _hook_ or by crook. All these are prohibited.

To talk of yellow pickles at dinner, and say the way to _Turn 'em Green_ is through Hammersmith--all allusions to eating men, for _Eton_ men, or _Staines_ on the table-cloth--or _Egg-ham_, are all exploded--as are all stuff about _Maids_ and _Thornbacks_, and _Plaice_--or saying to a lady who asks you to help her to the wing of a chicken, that it is a mere matter of _a pinion_--all quibbles about dressing _hare_ and cutting it--all stuff about a merry fellow being given to _wine_--or upon helping yourself to say you have a _platonic_ affection for roast beef--or when fried fish runs short, singing to the mistress of the house, with Tom Moore,--

"Your sole, though a very sweet sole, love, Will ne'er be sufficient for me,"

are entirely banished.

At the play-house never talk of being a _Pittite_ because you happen not to be in the boxes--never observe what a _Kean_ eye one actor has, or that another can never grow old because he must always be _Young_--never talk of the uncertainty of _Mundane_ affairs in a farce, or observe how _Terrybly_ well a man plays Mr. Simpson--banish from your mind the possibility of saying the Covent Garden manager has put his best _Foot_ forward, or that you should like to go to _Chester_ for a day or two--or that you would give the world to be tied to a _Tree_--or that Mr. _Make ready_ is a presentable actor--all such stuff is interdicted.

In speaking of Parliament, forget Broom and Birch, Wood and Cole, Scarlett and White, Lamb and the Leakes, the Hares and the Herons, the Cootes and the Cruins--such jumbles will lead into great difficulties, and invariably end, without infinite caution, in an observation, that the conduct of that House is always regulated by the best possible _Manners_.

There are some temptations very difficult to avoid--for instance, last Saturday we saw gazetted, as a bankrupt, "Sir John Lade, Cornhill, watchmaker!" Now this, we confess, was a provocation hard of resistance--when one sees a _lad_ of sixty-four _set up_ only to _break down_, and perceives that whatever he may do with _watches_, he could not make a _case_ before the Insolvent Debtors' Court; and moreover, since his taking to watchmaking arose from his having, in the _spring_ of life, gone upon _tick_, and that the circumstance may be considered as a _striking_ instance of a _bad wind-up_--we admit that in the hands of a young beginner such a thing is quite irresistible, but such temptations should be avoided as much as possible.

We have not room to set down all the prohibited puns extant; but we have just shown that the things which one hears, when one dines in the City (where men eat peas with a two-pronged fork, and bet hats with each other), as novelties, and the perfection of good fun, are all flat, stale, and unprofitable to those who have lived a little longer and seen a little more of the world, and have heard puns when it was the fashion to commit them at the west end of the town.

These hints are thrown out for the particular use of some sprightly persons, with whose facetiousness we have been of late extremely pestered--we apologise to our rational readers for the insertion of such stuff, even by way of surfeit to our quibbling patients.

CAUTIONARY VERSES TO YOUTH OF BOTH SEXES.[56]

My readers may know that to all the editions of Entick's Dictionary, commonly used in schools, there is prefixed "A table of words that are alike, or nearly alike, in sound, but different in spelling and signification." It must be evident that this table is neither more nor less than an early provocation to punning; the whole mystery of which vain art consists in the use of words, the sound and sense of which are at variance. In order, if possible, to check any disposition to punning in youth, which may be fostered by this manual, I have thrown together the following adaptation of Entick's hints to young beginners, hoping thereby to afford a warning, and exhibit a deformity to be avoided, rather than an example to be followed; and at the same time showing the caution children should observe in using words which have more than one meaning.

"My little dears, who learn to read, pray early learn to shun That very silly thing indeed which people call a pun: Read Entick's rules, and 'twill be found how simple an offence It is, to make the self-same sound afford a double sense.

"For instance, _ale_ may make you _ail_, your _aunt_ an _ant_ may kill, You in a _vale_ may buy a _veil_, and _Bill_ may pay the _bill_. Or if to France your _bark_ you steer, at Dover, it may be, A _peer appears_ upon the _pier_, who, blind, still goes to _sea_.

"Thus one might say, when to a treat good friends accept our greeting, 'Tis _meet_ that men who _meet_ to eat should eat their _meat_ when meeting. Brawn on the board's no _bore_ indeed, although from _boar_ prepared; Nor can the _fowl_, on which we feed, _foul_ feeding be declared.

"Thus _one_ ripe fruit may be a _pear_, and yet be _pared_ again, And still be _one_, which seemeth rare until we do explain. It therefore should be all your aim to speak with ample care: For who, however fond of game, would choose to swallow _hair_?

"A fat man's _gait_ may make us smile, who has no _gate_ to close: The farmer sitting on his _style_ no _stylish_ person knows: Perfumers men of _scents_ must be; some _Scilly_ men are bright; A _brown_ man oft deep _read_ we see, a _black_ a wicked _wight_.

"Most wealthy men good _manors_ have, however vulgar they; And actors still the harder slave, the oftener they _play_: So poets can't the _baize_ obtain, unless their tailors choose; While grooms and coachmen, not in vain, each evening seek the _Mews_.

"The _dyer_ who by _dying_ lives, a _dire_ life maintains; The glazier, it is known, receives--his profits from his _panes_: By gardeners _thyme_ is _tied_, 'tis true, when spring is in its prime; But _time_ or _tide_ won't wait for you, if you are _tied_ for _time_.

"Then now you see, my little dears, the way to make a pun; A trick which you, through coming years, should sedulously shun. The fault admits of no defence; for wheresoe'er 'tis found, You sacrifice the _sound_ for _sense_: the sense is never _sound_.

"So let your words and actions too, one single meaning prove, And, just in all you say or do, you'll gain esteem and love: In mirth and play no harm you'll know, when duty's task is done; But parents ne'er should let ye go un_pun_ish'd for a _pun_!"

FASHIONABLE PARTIES.[57]

The season of festivities is arrived--the balmy breath of Spring has called the dormant vegetation into life--the flowers are bursting from their buds, the blossoms hang on every tree--the birds sing melodiously, and the sun shines brightly over the fresh foliage; in consequence of the completion of which arrangements, everybody is coming to London, in order to take the dust in the Parks, or pace the burning pavement in the streets. Such is the order of things, and shady groves and cooling grots are abandoned for drawing rooms at ninety-six, and half-a-score sickly orange-trees tubbed on the top of a staircase.

Thursday last was a fruitful day in the annals of our town. Lord Dudley had a grand dinner--so had the Bishop of London--so had Lady Sykes--so had Mrs. Bethel, and so had half a score of the leaders of Ton. The Society for the Relief of Foreigners in Distress (to which his Royal Highness Don Miguel borrowed fifty pounds of Lord Dudley to subscribe) had their anniversary feast at the City of London Tavern; and the Chimney Sweepers of the metropolis held theirs--contrast is every thing--at the White Conduit House!

This last was amongst the most elegant affairs of the season--every thing which could possibly have reference to the profession was interdicted; black puddings and black strap were banished; and when the amiable and excellent Mr. Duck, after doing what few Ducks can do (we mean stuffing himself with sage and onions), called attention to Non nobis Domine--sung, the newspapers say, "by some professional vocalists"--the grace was received by the fraternity with _sootable_ attention; that they did not exactly understand it, Mr. Duck said was a misfortune, not a fault; but as he could almost see from the windows the chimneys--(loud cries of Order interrupted the speaker)--the roof, he meant, of that noble pile, the London University, he did hope that before many years had gone over their heads, he should find the younger branches of the profession to which he had the honour to belong, bringing the dead languages to life, and conversing _flue_-ntly--(Order, order!)--he meant easily, in Latin and Greek."

"The immortal memory of Marshal Saxe and Sir Cloudesly Shovel," were then given by Mr. Figgins, and were shortly followed by the health of Mr. Brougham, who was expected to have favoured the party with his presence, but he was unable to get away from the House of Commons.

Mr. Duck felt it necessary to rise, in order to endeavour to do away with an impression which had got abroad, that the gentlemen of the profession disliked the introduction of machines to supersede the necessity of climbing-boys--he repelled the insinuation, although, added the Honourable Gentleman, "if machines had been invented in my time, I, perhaps, should not have had the honour of being here, for I began at the bottom of the chimney and climbed my way to the very top"--(loud cheers). "I dare say, gentlemen," said Mr. Duck, "you have heard the story of the humane man who proposed to supersede the necessity of climbing-boys by letting a goose down the chimney by a string, which would, by the fluttering of its wings, effectually clean the whole flue--the lady to whom he proposed this plan replied that she thought it would be very cruel treatment of the goose. 'Lord love your eyes, Ma'am,' said the professor, 'if so be as you are particular about the goose, a couple of ducks will do as well!'--and, gentlemen, I never hear that professional anecdote but I think of myself when I was but a duckling, as I may say, and the laudable ambition into which I climbed and climbed, and rose, as I may say, like a phonix out of the hashes, until I reached my grand climacteric."

Mr. Duck sat down amidst shouts of applause.

In the Old Times of yesterday we find the following report of some part of the entertainment, which we were unfortunate enough to miss--we take the liberty of borrowing it:

"Mr. Watson said that he was present, a few evenings since, at a Lecture delivered by Dr. Birkbeck, on the utility of the machine to supersede the necessity of the climbing-boy. The Doctor, he admitted, argued candidly and fairly on the subject, and produced an improvement in Glass's machine, which was unquestionably the best invention of the kind; yet, with all its perfections, he (Mr. Watson) was convinced that it would never answer the expectations of those who entertained such a favourable opinion of its efficacy in cleansing chimnies. In the course of the lecture the Doctor said that the machine must succeed in all cases where it is used, if the prejudices of the master chimney-sweepers did not interfere with the trial. It was true that the machine so eloquently eulogized by the Doctor would answer in cleansing perpendicular chimnies, but where there were impediments from various causes, no machine, however pliable, would overcome them.

"Several master chimney-sweepers addressed the chair in the course of the afternoon. One of them commenced 'I'm blowed, but if we had Dr. Bucbuck, or whatever you may call him, here at our dinner, I think we should soon make a conwert of him to our opinions. Gemmen, I say it is impossible that ere chimney (pointing to the chimney in the room) can be swept unless one of us goes up it; and I'll give you a proof of it now.' The speaker here began to doff his long coat, and would have run up the chimney in earnest, had he not been prevented by some of his brother tradesmen, who caught hold of him by the legs just as his body was about disappearing from the company. When he alighted on the floor, he said that he did not mind a fig getting a sooty shirt, so that he succeeded in showing the strangers present, how little danger was to be apprehended in doing the work as it should be done, and that was by encouraging climbing-boys. He had ascended upwards of 5,000 chimnies in his life, of all sorts and sizes, and never yet met with an accident."

"Archdeacon Pott and the Clargy of Middlesex," were then given.

Mr. Duck then rose and said, "Gentlemen--we all of us have known what it is to climb; and as my honourable friend on the left says--I may say I have been up five thousand chimnies, long and short, and never failed in doing my duty to my employers--but what was it repaid me for my toil--what was it that cheered me in my labour--the sixpence as I got when I kimm'd down?--or the bread and cheese the kitchen-maid would give me afore I went out?--No, sir; it was not that--no--neither the one nor the other;--it was the smile of ooman--lovely ooman, which rules us all;--in her favour there is indeed a sweeping-clause; and I have the pleasure to tell you, that there is a splendid assembly of the dear creechurs a waiting in the next room, ready to trip it on their fantastic toeses--so, if you please, gemmen, we'll wind up the arternoon, by drinking--'Success to the brush and shovel all over the world'--and then join the fair."

To this proposal no possible objection could be made; and the doors being thrown open, a most splendid collection of the dear creechurs appeared ready for the quadrilles, which commenced about five. The principal dancers were--

MR. WILLIAM DUCK, MISS GRIGSON, MR. WATSON, MISS HAWKINS, MR. ROBERT TOTTIE, MRS. TOM DUCKS, MR. WILKINSON. MISS ANNE SMITH.

The refreshments were of the first quality, and the whole day passed off with the greatest hilarity.

A DAY'S PROCEEDINGS OF A REFORMED PARLIAMENT.

IMPERIAL PARLIAMENT,

Anno ----.

HOUSE OF COMMONS, THURSDAY, FEB. 28.

Several new Members took the oaths and their seats; amongst them we observed the Hon. Member for the District of Field Lane and Saffron Hill, whose entrance was greeted with huzzas, clapping of hands, and other demonstrations of joy.

PRAYERS.

Mr. Snob rose and said as how he thought it were a great waste of time to okipy the Ouse with a lot of praying--he thought that it would be quite as well and ample sufficient that every member, on entering the Ouse, should poke his face in his at and mutter a short jackerlation, sich as was done in his parish church.--(Hear.)--He never did no more when he was a churchwarden--(hear, hear)--and he always found that it answered the purpose; and he gave notice that, on Monday next, he intended to move that the present practice be done away with--(cheers).

Mr. Ketch said he would sartinly second the motion whenever it came before the Ouse.

WAYS AND MEANS.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer intimated that on the 22nd of next month he should be prepared to submit his plan of Ways and Means for the year. He could not then, with propriety, enter into details--he would merely state that it was in contemplation to repeal most of the existing taxes (cheers from all sides), and this object would be easily attained by suspending for the present the payment of the interest on the funded debt--(immense cheering)--by the sale of several supernumerary ships of war, and the materials of some of the dockyards.--(Hear, hear.)--He anticipated also a considerable sum from the disposal of superfluous military equipments, cannon, &c., which it would be the height of folly to retain in these "piping times of peace;" it would follow of course that very extensive reductions would take place in the military establishments--(cheers)--_all_ pensions will forthwith be abolished--(Long-continued cheering).--He laid particular stress upon the word _all_, in order that there might be "no mistake"--(a laugh)--and, although there might be an apparent hardship in some few cases, yet his Majesty's ministers had wisely resolved not to incur censure from any person or party by using even the semblance of partiality.--(Cheering, which lasted several minutes.)

A Member, whose name we could not learn, rose, and in the exuberance of his joy exclaimed, "Blow my wig if ever I heard such a speech in all my life."--("Order! Order!")

The Speaker begged to remind the Hon. Gentleman that such expressions were not _strictly_ in accordance with the dignity of the House.

The Member apologized for having been led away by his feelings, but this he would say, that whoever should now venture to assert that His Majesty's Ministers had any other than the benefit of their country in view, told a thundering lie.--(Loud laughter.)

Mr. Gubbins said that he wholly and totally agreed with the G'elman what spoke last--he thought that the thanks of the community and the country at large are due to the Right Hon. G'elman (the Chanciller) for his expozee; and in order that their ancestors might see--(a laugh)--he begged pardon, their posteriors--(roars of laughter)--well then, their children's children and them as comes arter them, might see the estimation in which that House had held him, he would move that its freedom be presented to him in a snuff-box of the value of five sovs., and he would subscribe his bob.--(Cheers, and some laughter.)

The Speaker interposed, and endeavoured to explain to the Hon. Member that there was no such thing as freedom in that House, consequently his motion could not be put.

Mr. Gubbins said he supposed it would be unreglar to argufy that pint with the Right Hon. Speaker, he would therefore bow to the Cheer; he would not however be done out of doing nothing, and with reference to the place represented by the Right Hon. G'elman the Chanciller, he would propose to bestow upon him the title of "The Bermondsey _Screw_."--(Laughter.)

(As _all_ our readers may not understand the point of this pun, we should explain that in the Clink liberty, represented by the Right Hon. G'elman the Game of Skittles is a favourite amusement, and some of the Amateurs have a particular mode of delivering the Bowl, which amongst the cognoscenti is termed "A Bermondsey Screw.")

NEW SOUTH WALES.

Mr. Cobbett having given notice, that on Thursday next he should bring forward his motion (postponed on a previous occasion) for a Committee of that House being appointed, with instructions to proceed to New South Wales, for the purpose of enquiring into the Administration of Religion in that Colony,--

Mr. Lagg rose, apparently under great excitement, and said that he could never consent that such a preposterous motion should be entertained by that House even for a moment. Was the Honourable Gentleman aware of the privations and hardships which the Members of such a Committee would have to undergo? He thought not--for himself, he would say, that he had been a resident in the neighbourhood of Sidney during the greater part of Fourteen Years--(hear, hear)--"and," said the Hon. Gentleman, with much emotion, "I will never willingly consent to go there again, or recommend such a voyage to any of my friends." He said he saw several Honourable Gentlemen around him, whom he knew had been there as well as himself, and, judging from his own feelings, he was quite assured they would bear him out in his opposition.

Mr. Cobbett said, that under these circumstances he should ask leave to withdraw his motion. (Leave given instanter.)

NEW POLICE.

Petitions were presented from several parishes in the outskirts, against the system of Police introduced by a late Administration.

Several Members having risen at the same time to recommend the attention of the House to these petitions, and all asserting, with much vociferation, their right of priority, the Speaker was obliged to interpose and call on Mr. Bumpus.

Mr. Bumpus said he thought there could be but one opinion on the subject of this system, and that was, the sooner it was abolished the better--(hear, hear,)--he said that it required no oration to shew its baneful and unconstitutional character; he thought he could not better exemplify its true character than in using the words of a very intelligent and interesting youth, the son of a tailor-chandler, who was one of the officers of the parish in which he (Mr. Bumpus) resided. "Addressing me" (said the Honourable Gentleman) "you must understand, Gentlemen, this youth lisps very much, these were his very words, says he, Thir, says he, it is a miltuthy thythtem to thupport a arbituthy Government."--(Tumultuous cheering.)

During the Hon. Gentleman's speech much mirth was excited by the waggery of one of the members whom the Hon. Gentleman had superseded. At every pause, the Hon. Member exclaimed, "What a shocking bad hat!" &c., &c.

NEW WRIT.

On the motion of an Honourable Member a new writ was ordered for the district of Golden-lane, in the room of Nicholas Briggs, Esq., deceased--(see our Execution Report of Thursday last). The same Member also followed up his motion by a notice that previously to the next Old Bailey Sessions he should move that the laws affecting life in cases of burglary should be revised with a view to their repeal.

POST-OFFICE.--FRANKS.