Part 11

DEAR B.,--What will you Aunty-reformers say now. The parlyment is to be berogued, and your hopes are all blyted--now my expectorations are answerd--this is a nice two do--Fulmer, who is on your side, sings what he calls his High Ho Pea hens, but I cant agree with him, because Mr. Ram was a wriggler radical, and so am I, because I do not know no better, and theerfor I redes the _Tims_, and am quite agreable to the pinions of the Head-eater of that pepper.

I have bin to hear the debretts of the peerage--we had seets in the House of Lauds. What a man that Hairy Broom is--what a spich he made, and how thrusty he got--I askd what it was he was a drinking, and they told me a Bishop--he seemd as if he could have swallowed the See. He had the tumblers hin, ot and ot, like the stakes at his Club--but when he went down upon his Marybones, I was quite resolved into tiers, for feer he never coud git up agin.

Lord Grey is a fine cretur, but very grey indeed; I remember him as Lord Howweak many years ago. I saw Lord Monster too, and the Kernel which has the Kopper minds, who is called Lord Dinnerbell, because of his feedin a great Duck at his ouse in Whales.

I had a not from Lord Pummicestone, to tell me he was not gone to resign--he poots hup with a grate deal from Lord Grey and Broom, and even from Lord Drum, when he is well enough to go to the Cabinet--that was a purty scrap he got into about Ninnyveal, the Ditchman; and now I heer he is another two do about the Emperor of the Brass-heels--Lewey Flip does not like given up the Portingal ships, and as we does everything Tallyrong thinks right, why we must not grumble--this is Pummicestone's noose to me. If the King of Spain helps Don M'Gill they say he will suckseed in keeping his hone--the Spanish is all he wants to put him to rites. As for Rooshy and Prooshy, P. says he can't say much about them, only I see that Leaving has not left, and that Bowlow is halso here--but else foraying affairs seems below pa.

The Bishop of Lundun did not vote agin the Bile--I herd why--his first start in life was hoeing to a translation--he wants to try another--this is Greek to me, Mr. B.

I think the people are just shewing their spirt--Honly think of Lord Lunnunderry pooling out a pistole, and fritening such a manny men as he did. They are rong to set phire to houses, and as for the Hayfair at Knottingham Castle, it was absird hin the hextream, for to _my_ mind the surest way of raising the New Castles, is burning down the old ones.

Our friend P. applyed to me to see and ask Fulmer to be made a pier this time; and Lavy would like to be a Vice-countess she says--a Barreness she would not listen to; but I did not like to say anything to F., because Lord P. said "He was wanted to carry the Bill through the House of Lords;"--these are P.'s hone words out of his leather to me, and I _do_ think Fulmer was born and bred to better things than to do porter's work at his time of life--Hif they wants "the Bill carried through the House," why dont they imploy survunts of their hone, without trying to disgrace onest people witch is as good as themselves?

Pray what do they mean by sayin "whipster of a fraction," wenever they talk of Lord John Rustle? I think it is in allusion to some of his impotence in the Ouse of Kommons. Fulmer says that his Ludship can't bear ironing--he sims to me to have been mangled last Wensday--however, I'm all for Refurm, and Lord Grey, and Universal Suffering, and Vote by Ballad. And now the Bill has been rejected, I am ready for another hole Bill, and nothing but the Bill--and you mark my words, Mr. B., you will be hobliged to pool in your orns afore you have dun.

The King must be a good deal wurried, wot with wun thing and hanuther. If I was he, I never would let Minsters hoverrule me--I _would_ have my own whey, and hif I could not master them piecably, I wood do as Fulmer says, "cut the Jordan knot at once, and resolve the Parlyment."

Say somethink in your pepper, that may show me you have got this.--Yours, still in frenchship,

D. L. RAMSBOTTOM.

P.S.--I forgot to tell you my fourth gull, Addlehead, is going to be marred next week to Dr. Pillycooshy, of Peckham.

POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS.

POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS.

[The following is from The Arcadian, a magazine which Hook edited and principally wrote in 1820, and which only reached two numbers.]

CARMEN ÆSTUALE.

A SONG FOR THE SUMMER, TO BE SUNG BY J. C. H----, ESQ.,[19] NOW A PRISONER IN HIS MAJESTY'S GAOL OF NEWGATE.

_Tune_--"Whare ha' ye bin a' the day, my boy Tammy?"

Where have ye been a' the Spring, My boy Cammy? Where have ye been a' the Spring, My boy Cammy? I have been in Newgate keep, Doomed to dine, to drink, to sleep, Side by side with rogue and sweep, In dungeon dark and clammy.[20]

What took you to Newgate keep, My boy Cammy? What took you to Newgate keep, My boy Cammy? I did once my goose-quill take, To shew a Whig a small mistake. Did you do't for freedom's sake? Freedom's my eye and Tammy!

What then did you do it for, My boy Cammy? What then did you do it for, My boy Cammy? Because I thought if I were sent To jail, for libelling Parliament, I might chance to circumvent Next election, Lamby.[21]

How would that throw out George Lamb, My boy Cammy? How would that throw out George Lamb, My boy Cammy? Because, with tag-rag and bobtail, Nothing does but going to jail; We have seldom found it fail; _Voyez vous, mon ami!_

How do you make _that_ out, My boy Cammy? How do you make _that_ out, My boy Cammy? See what all the rest have done-- Abbott, Burdett, Waddington, Blandford, Hunt, and Wat--son, And now, like them, here am I!

Did the Speaker talk to you, My boy Cammy? Did the Speaker talk to you, My boy Cammy? No;--my visit to Papa Wreck'd my prospects of _éclat_; I was never at the bar, Where I thought they'd ha' me.

Why, then, 'tis a stupid job, My boy Cammy? Why, then, 'tis a stupid job, My boy Cammy? No;--because when I come out They'll have a car, without a doubt, And, in triumph, all about, The biped beasts will draw me.

You've mistaken quite your game, My boy Cammy; You've mistaken quite your game, My boy Cammy. Of fulsome stuff, like that, we're sick, Besides, we all see through the trick; Before we drag, we'll see you "kick" Before your prison, d--mme!

ASS-ASS-INATION.[22]

"Write me down an Ass."--SHAKSPEARE.

The Earl of Grosvenor is an Ass- --erter of our freedom; And were he Canterbury's Grace, The Gospels in his Sovereign's face, He'd rather throw, than read 'em.

My Lord of Grantham is an Ass- --ailer of Black Wooler. But, if this blustering York Hussar Were tried in any real war, 'Tis thought he might be cooler.

Lord Enniskillen is an Ass- --enter to Lord Grantham; Bold, generous, noisy, swearing friends-- Till they have gain'd their private ends, And that their patrons want 'em.

The Earl of Harewood is an Ass- --ured help in trouble; For, when his Lordship condescends, Out of a scrape to help his friends, He only makes it double.

The Earl of Morley is an Ass- --istant to Lord Granville; His head outside is rich in shoot; But to beat anything into 't I'd rather thump an anvil.

Crazy Lord Erskine is an Ass- --ortment of all follies: He was the first to slur the Queen; But since his trip to Gretna Green, He's wondrous kind to dollies.

The good Lord Kenyon is an Ass- --uager of dissension; With feeble voice, and maudlin eye, He would have pray'd for infamy, And granted sin a pension.

The Lord Ashburton is an Ass- --iduous attender; No voter for the Queen is stouter, Although he knows no more about her, Than of the Witch of Endor.

The Duke of Leinster is an Ass- --ociate whom she flatters; Though, by two uncles he has seen, To hate a King, and love a Queen, Are rather ticklish matters.

In short, each Whig Lord is an Ass- --emblage of all merit; And to reward their virtuous lives, May all their daughters and their wives The Queen's good taste inherit.

Lord Blessington's a stage-struck Ass- --umer of Lothario; But by his talents, wit, or grace, (Had he but eyes to find his place,) He's fitter for Paddy Cary O!

Lord Steward Cholmondeley is an Ass- --imilate Polonius! He dares not blame "the mob-led Queen," Though he best knows, her loves have been What others call erroneous.

Lord Arden's an official Ass- --ignee of naval prizes; And, as the moon affects the seas, His loyalty obeys his fees, And with them falls or rises.

Lord Hampden is a twaddling Ass- --assin of our patience; This Guelphic Knight, so dire and thin, Rides his white horse in the train of sin, Like Death in the Revelations!

MICHAEL'S DINNER; OR, STAUNCH FRIENDS TO REFORM.

Fair Reform--celestial maid! Hope of Britons!--hope of Britons! Calls her followers to her aid; She has fit ones!--she has fit ones! They would brave, in danger's day, Death to win her!--Death to win her! If they met not by the way Michael's dinner--Michael's dinner!

Lambton leads the patriot van; Noble fellow--generous fellow! Quite the dandy of the clan-- Rather yellow--rather yellow! Of fair Liberty he tells Tales bewitching--tales bewitching; But they vanish, when he smells Michael's kitchen--Michael's kitchen!

Lawyer Brougham is next in rank; Prates like Babel--prates like Babel; He has never eat or drank At Bribery's table--Bribery's table; What, then, now can stop his mouth, In this hot age--in this hot age? 'Tis, if he would tell the truth, Michael's potage--Michael's potage!

Hobhouse, who pretends to _νους_, Cur of Burdett--cur of Burdett; Fired his pop-gun, but the House Never heard it--never heard it; He foresaw, from Canning's lash, Stripes too cutting--stripes too cutting, So he sneak'd away to hash Michael's mutton--Michael's mutton.

Where was, on that famous night, Hume the surgeon?--Hume the surgeon? Who pretends to set us right By constant purging--constant purging; No division yet expecting-- Fond of work, he--fond of work, he-- At the moment was dissecting Michael's turkey--Michael's turkey!

Fergusson his place may choose In the bevy--in the bevy; He's the real Taylor's goose, Hot and heavy--hot and heavy-- He'd out-do, with sword and flame, Senna-cherib--Senna-cherib. What, that evening, made him tame? Michael's spare-rib--Michael's spare-rib.

Thus the social round they form, In Privy-Gardens--Privy-Gardens; And they care about Reform Not three farthings--not three farthings. To yawn and vote let others stay, Who can bear it--who can bear it; They, much wiser, drink away Michael's claret--Michael's claret.

While ye thus, in claret, Sirs, Lose your reason--lose your reason; England will recover hers, Lost last season--lost last season! Faction's mobs--Sedition's hordes Must grow thinner--must grow thinner, When plain Common Sense records Michael's dinner--Michael's dinner!

[Music: MRS. MUGGINS'S VISIT TO THE QUEEN.

TUNE--"_Have you been to Abingdon?_"

Have you been to Bran-den-burgh? Heigh, Ma'am, Ho, Ma'am? You've been to Bran-den-burgh, Ho? Oh, yes, I have been, Ma'am, to vi-sit the Queen, Ma'am, with the rest of the gal-lan-ty show, show; with the rest of the gal-lan-ty show.]

And who were your company--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Who were your company, ho? --We happen'd to drop in, With Gem'men from Wapping, And Ladies from Blowbladder-Row----Row, And Ladies from Blowbladder-Row.

What saw you at Brandenburgh,--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? What saw you at Brandenburgh, ho? --We saw a great dame, With a face red as flame, And a character spotless as snow----snow, And a character spotless as snow.

And what said her Majesty--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? What said her Majesty, ho? --What I understood's, She's come for our goods, And when she has got them, she'll go----go, And when she has got them, she'll go.

And who were attending her--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Who were attending her, ho? Lord Hood for a man, For a Maid, Lady Anne, And Alderman Wood for a beau----beau, And Alderman Wood for a beau.

And the Alderman's family--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? The Alderman's family, ho? --Yes--Georgy, and Kitty, One fat--t'other pretty, And the son who was brought up at Bow----Bow, The son who was brought up at Bow.

And had she no Countesses--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Had she no Countesses, ho? --O yes!--painted Jersey, Who might have worn kersey, Had folks their deserts here, below----low, Had folks their deserts here below.

And had she no other, Ma'am--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Had she no other, Ma'am, ho? --There was one Lady Grey, Whose temper, they say, Like her Lord's, is as sweet as a sloe----sloe, Like her Lord's, is as sweet as a sloe.

Was no one from Croxteth there--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? No one from Croxteth there, ho? --Oh, no--Lady Sefton Would sooner have left town, Both her and her daughters--than go----go, Both her and her daughters--than go.

And had she no Commoners--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Had she no Commoners, ho? --I happen'd to look, And could find in her book Only Fergusson, Taylor, and Co.----Co., Fergusson, Taylor, and Co.

And had she no son-in-law--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Had she no son-in-law, ho? --Yes; time-serving Leopold, A puppet that we uphold, Though neither for use nor for show----show, Neither for use nor for show.

And did they meet tenderly--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Did they meet tenderly, ho? --They were both so intent, About taxes and rent, That they never once thought of their woe----woe, They never once thought of their woe.

And had she no Counsellors--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Had she no Counsellors, ho? --Yes; one Mr. Brougham, Who sneak'd out of her room, Pretending the Circuit to go----go, Pretending the Circuit to go.

How fared he at Lancaster--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? How fared he at Lancaster, ho? --They physick'd and bled, And they blister'd his head, And kept him uncommonly low----low, And kept him uncommonly low.

Had she no solicitor--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Had she no solicitor, ho? --Yes, one Mr. Vizard, Who, being no wizard, She overboard hasten'd to throw----throw, She overboard hasten'd to throw.

And has she two Chamberlains--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Has she two Chamberlains, ho? --Yes! both strapping fellows, Would make a man jealous, With whiskers as black as a crow----crow, With whiskers as black as a crow.

And had she no beggar's brat--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Had she no beggar's brat, ho? --Yes, one, pale and silly, Whom she calls Sir Billy; But whose brat he is, I don't know----know, But whose brat he is, I don't know.

And has she a Clergyman--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Has she a Clergyman, ho? --Yes, one Doctor Fellowes, Who puffs like a bellows, The coals of sedition to blow----blow, The coals of sedition to blow.

And has she no General--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Has she no General, ho? --Yes, poor prating Wilson, Who, if he e'er kills one, 'Tis more by a word than a blow----blow, 'Tis more by a word than a blow.

And has she a Banking-house--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Has she a Banking-house, ho? --When Coutts was unhandsome, She shifted to Ransome, To whom she does nothing but owe----owe, To whom she does nothing but owe.

Has she a good table, Ma'am--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Has she a good table, Ma'am, ho? --There is one Mrs. Wilde, Who her cook-maid is styled, But they say that her soups are so-so----so, They say that her soups are so-so.

And what are her drinkables--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? What are her drinkables, ho? --It being but noon, She said 'twas too soon For any thing else but Noyeau----yeau, Any thing else but Noyeau.

And has she a bed-fellow--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Has she a bed-fellow, ho? --I asked one Vassalli, Who said, "Fi-donc, allez, Ma chère, you no business to know----know, You have no business to know."

How spent she her time abroad--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? How spent she her time abroad, ho? --In hugging her valet, And dancing a ballet, And kissing Pope Pius's toe----toe, Kissing Pope Pius's toe.

Was she at Jerusalem--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Was she at Jerusalem, ho? --She borrow'd an ass, To ride on--but, alas! She couldn't get donkey to go----go, She couldn't get donkey to go.

What did she in Africa--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? What did she in Africa, ho? --She set, at Algiers, All the Turks by the ears, Till they found she was fifty or so----so, Till they found she was fifty or so.

What did she in Lombardy--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? What did she in Lombardy, ho? --Her tradesmen she pilfer'd, Bamboozled Lord Guilford, And choused Marietti and Co.----Co., And choused Marietti and Co.

What did she at Napoli--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? What did she at Napoli, ho? --With sorrow I speak it, She went, mother--naked, And laurell'd the bust of King Joe----Joe, And laurell'd the bust of King Joe.

Will she have a drawing-room--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Will she have a drawing-room, ho? --Oh, yes, I presume, That she might find a room, If she could but find any to go----go, If she could but find any to go.

Will she soon sail for Italy--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Soon sail for Italy, ho? --She'll go there no more, Since what Barbara swore, She fears German spies on the Po----Po, She fears German spies on the Po.

Will she go to Switzerland--Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am? Will she go to Switzerland, ho? --She says that the Swiss, Never tell when they kiss, So she's all for the Paÿs de Vaud----Vaud, She's all for the Paÿs de Vaud.

HUNTING THE HARE.

Would you hear of the triumph of purity? Would you share in the joy of the Queen? List to my song; and, in perfect security, Witness a row where you durst not have been: All kinds of Addresses, From collars of S.S.'s To venders of cresses, Came up like a fair; And all thro' September, October, November, And down to December, They hunted this Hare!

First there appear'd, with the title of visitors, Folks, whom of fair reputation they call, Who, in good truth, and to candid inquisitors, Seem to have no reputation at all, The Woods', hen and chicken, And Damer, moon-stricken, And Russells, come thick in, To greet the fat dame; And the Duchess of Leinster, (Well behaved while a spinster,) With drabs of Westminster, Now mixes her name!

Next, in great state, came the Countess of Tankerville, With all the sons and the daughters she had; Those who themselves are annoy'd by a canker vile, Joy to discover another as bad: So Lady Moll came on, With _ci-devant_ Grammont, And (awful as Ammon) Her eloquent spouse! And frothy Grey Bennett, That very day se'nnight, Went down in his dennett, To Brandenburgh House.

Bold, yet half blushing, the gay Lady Jersey, Drove up to the entrance--but halted outside, While Sefton's fair tribe, from the banks of the Mersey, Who promised to keep her in countenance--shyed! But this never hinders The sham Lady Lindors, Who stoutly goes indoors-- Old Rush does the same; Great scorn of all such is!-- But Bedford's brave Duchess, To get in her clutches, Delighted the dame.

Lank Lady Anne brought her sister of Somerset; The least she could do for the wages she clears: If the merits of either were up to the hammer set, They'd fetch much the same as Lord Archibald's ears. Not so Lady Sarah, For she, under care o' Some Hume or O'Meara, Lies sick in her bed; Yet her name they twist in By means they persist in Of even enlisting The names of the dead!