SCENE II.

[_To them enter_] MOSCA _and_ NANO [_disguised_, _followed by persons with materials for erecting a stage_.]

_Mos._ Under that window, there ’t must be. The same.

_Sir P._ Fellows, to mount a bank. Did your instructor In the dear tongues, never discourse to you Of the Italian mountebanks?

_Per._ Yes, sir.

_Sir P._ Why, Here shall you see one.

_Per._ They are quacksalvers, Fellows that live by venting oils and drugs. 6

_Sir P._ Was that the character he gave you of them?

_Per._ As I remember.

_Sir. P._ Pity his ignorance. They are the only knowing men of Europe! Great general scholars, excellent physicians, 10 Most admir’d statesmen, profest favourites And cabinet counsellors to the greatest princes; The only languag’d men of all the world!

_Per._ And, I have heard, they are most lewd[1593] impostors; Made all of terms and shreds; no less beliers 15 Of great men’s favours, than their own vile medicines; Which they will utter upon monstrous oaths; Selling that drug for twopence, ere they part, Which they have valu’d at twelve crowns before.

_Sir P._ Sir, calumnies are answer’d best with silence. 20 Yourself shall judge.—Who is it mounts, my friends?

_Mos._ Scoto of Mantua,[1594] sir.

_Sir P._ Is ’t he? Nay, then I ’ll proudly promise, sir, you shall behold Another man than has been phant’sied[1595] to you. I wonder yet, that he should mount his bank, 25 Here in this nook, that has been wont t’ appear In face of the Piazza!—Here he comes.

[_Enter_ VOLPONE, _disguised as a mountebank Doctor_, _and followed by a crowd of people_.]

_Volp._ Mount, zany. [_To_ NANO.]

_Mob._ Follow, follow, follow, follow!

_Sir P._ See how the people follow him! he’s a man 30 May write ten thousand crowns in bank here. Note, [VOLPONE _mounts the stage_.] Mark but his gesture:—I do use to observe The state he keeps in getting up.

_Per._ ’T is worth it, sir.

_Volp._ “Most noble gentlemen, and my (34) worthy patrons! It may seem strange that I, your Scoto Mantuano, who was ever wont to fix my bank in the face of the public Piazza, near the shelter of the Portico to the Procuratia, should now, after eight months’ absence from (40) this illustrious city of Venice, humbly retire myself into an obscure nook of the Piazza.”

_Sir P._ Did not I now object the same?

_Per._ Peace, sir.

_Volp._ “Let me tell you: I am not, as your Lombard proverb saith, cold on my feet; or (45) content to part with my commodities at a cheaper rate than I am accustom’d: look not for it. Nor that the calumnious reports of that impudent detractor, and shame to our profession (Alessandro Buttone, I mean), who gave (50) out, in public, I was condemn’d _a’ sforzato_[1596] to the galleys, for poisoning the Cardinal Bembo’s—cook, hath at all attach’d, much less dejected me. No, no, worthy gentlemen; to tell you true, I cannot endure to see the rabble of (55) these ground _ciarlitani_,[1597] that spread their cloaks on the pavement, as if they meant to do feats of activity, and then come in lamely, with their mouldy tales out of Boccacio, like stale Tabarin,[1598] the fabulist: some of them discoursing (60) their travels, and of their tedious captivity in the Turk’s galleys, when, indeed, were the truth known, they were the Christian’s galleys, where very temperately they eat bread, and drunk water, as a wholesome penance, enjoin’d them (65) by their confessors, for base pilferies.”

_Sir P._ Note but his bearing, and contempt of these.

_Volp._ “These turdy-facy-nasty-paty-lousy-fartical (69) rogues, with one poor groat’s-worth of unprepar’d antimony, finely wrapt up in several _scartoccios_,[1599] are able, very well, to kill their twenty a week, and play; yet these meagre, starv’d spirits, who have half stopt the organs (74) of their minds with earthy oppilations,[1600] want not their favourers among your shrivell’d salad-eating artisans, who are overjoy’d that they may have their half-pe’rth of physic; though it purge ’em into another world, ’t makes no matter.”

_Sir P._ Excellent! ha’ you heard better language, sir? 80

_Volp._ “Well, let ’em go. And, gentlemen, honourable gentlemen, know, that for this time, our bank, being thus removed from the clamours of the _canaglia_[1601] shall be the scene of pleasure and delight; for I have nothing (85) to sell, little or nothing to sell.”

_Sir P._ I told you, sir, his end.

_Per._ You did so, sir.

_Volp._ “I protest. I, and my six servants, are not able to make of this precious liquor so fast (90) as it is fetch’d away from my lodging by gentlemen of your city; strangers of the Terra-firma;[1602] worshipful merchants; ay, and senators too: who, ever since my arrival, have detain’d me to their uses, by their splendidous liberalities. (95) And worthily; for, what avails your rich man to have his magazines stuft with _moscadelli_, or of the purest grape, when his physicians prescribe him, on pain of death, to drink (99) nothing but water cocted[1603] with aniseeds? O health! health! the blessing of the rich! the riches of the poor! who can buy thee at too dear a rate, since there is no enjoying this world without thee? Be not then so sparing of your purses, honourable gentlemen, as to abridge the natural course of life——” 105

_Per._ You see his end.

_Sir P._ Ay, is’t not good?

_Volp._ “For when a humid flux, or catarrh, by the mutability of air, falls from your head into an arm or shoulder, or any other part; take you a ducket, or your chequin of gold, and (110) apply to the place affected: see what good effect it can work. No, no, ’t is this blessed _unguento_,[1604] this rare extraction, that hath only power to disperse all malignant humours, that proceed either of hot, cold, moist, or windy causes——” 115

_Per._ I would he had put in dry too.

_Sir P._ Pray you observe.

_Volp._ “To fortify the most indigest and crude stomach, ay, were it of one that, through extreme weakness, vomited blood, applying only (120) a warm napkin to the place, after the unction and fricace;[1605]—for the _vertigine_[1606] in the head, putting but a drop into your nostrils, likewise behind the ears; a most sovereign and approv’d (124) remedy; the _mal caduco_,[1607] cramps, convulsions, paralyses, epilepsies, _tremorcordia_, retir’d nerves, ill vapours of the spleen, stoppings of the liver, the stone, the strangury, _hernia ventosa_, _iliaca passio_;[1608] stops a _dysenteria_ immediately; easeth the torsion[1609] of the small (130) guts; and cures _melancholia hypocondriaca_, being taken and appli’d, according to my printed receipt. (_Pointing to his bill and his glass._) For this is the physician, this the medicine; this counsels, this cures; this gives the direction, (135) this works the effect; and, in sum, both together may be term’d an abstract of the theoric and practic in the Aesculapian art. ’T will cost you eight crowns. And,—Zan Fritada, prithee sing a verse extempore in honour of it.” 140

_Sir P._ How do you like him, sir?

_Per._ Most strangely, I!

_Sir P._ Is not his language rare?

_Per._ But alchemy, I never heard the like; or Broughton’s[1610] books.

[NANO _sings_.]

Had old Hippocrates, or Galen, That to their books put med’cines all in, 145 But known this secret, they had never (Of which they will be guilty ever) Been murderers of so much paper, Or wasted many a hurtless taper; No Indian drug had e’er been fam’d, 150 Tobacco, sassafras not nam’d. Ne yet of guacum one small stick, sir, Nor Raymund Lully’s[1611] great elixir. Ne had been known the Danish Gonswart,[1612] Or Paracelsus, with his long sword.[1613] 155

_Per._ All this, yet, will not do; eight crowns is high.

_Volp._ “No more.—Gentlemen, if I had but time to discourse to you the miraculous effects of this my oil, surnam’d Oglio del Scoto; with the countless catalogue of those I have (160) cur’d of th’ aforesaid, and many more diseases; the patents and privileges of all the princes and commonwealths of Christendom; or but the depositions of those that appear’d on my part, before the signiory of the Sanita and most (165) learned College of Physicians; where I was authoris’d, upon notice taken of the admirable virtues of my medicaments, and mine own excellency in matter of rare and unknown secrets, not only to disperse them publicly in this (170) famous city, but in all the territories, that happily joy under the government of the most pious and magnificent states of Italy. But may some other gallant fellow say, ’O, there be divers that make profession to have as good, (175) and as experimented receipts as yours: indeed, very many have assay’d, like apes, in imitation of that, which is really and essentially in me, to make of this oil; bestow’d great cost in 179 furnaces, stills, alembics, continual fires, and preparation of the ingredients (as indeed there goes to it six hundred several simples, besides some quantity of human fat, for the conglutination, which we buy of the anatomists), but when these practitioners come to the last decoction, (185) blow, blow, puff, puff, and all flies in fumo:[1614] ha, ha, ha! Poor wretches! I rather pity their folly and indiscretion, than their loss of time and money; for those may be recover’d by industry: but to be a fool born, is a disease incurable. 191 “For myself, I always from my youth have endeavour’d to get the rarest secrets, and book them, either in exchange, or for money; I spar’d nor cost nor labour, where anything (195) was worthy to be learned. And, gentlemen, honourable gentlemen, I will undertake, by virtue of chymical art, out of the honourable hat that covers your head, to extract the four elements; that is to say, the fire, air, water, (200) and earth, and return you your felt without burn or stain. For, whilst others have been at the _ballo_,[1615] I have been at my book; and am now past the craggy paths of study, and come to the flowery plains of honour and reputation.” 205

_Sir P._ I do assure you, sir, that is his aim.

_Volp._ “But to our price——”

_Per._ And that withal, Sir Pol.

_Volp._ “You all know, honourable gentlemen, I never valu’d this _ampulla_, or vial, at less than eight crowns; but for this time, I am content (210) to be depriv’d of it for six; six crowns is the price, and less in courtesy I know you cannot offer me; take it or leave it, howsoever, both it and I am at your service. I ask you not as the value of the thing, for then I should demand (215) of you a thousand crowns, so the Cardinals Montalto, Fernese, the great Duke of Tuscany, my gossip,[1616] with divers other princes, have given me; but I despise money. Only to show my affection to you, honourable gentlemen, (220) and your illustrious State here, I have neglected the messages of these princes, mine own offices, fram’d my journey hither, only to present you with the fruits of my travels.—Tune (225) your voices once more to the touch of your instruments, and give the honourable assembly some delightful recreation.”

_Per._ What monstrous and most painful circumstance Is here, to get some three or four gazettes,[1617] Some threepence i’ the whole! for that ’t will come to. 230

[NANO _sings_.]

You that would last long, list to my song, Make no more coil, but buy of this oil. Would you be ever fair and young? Stout of teeth, and strong of tongue? Tart of palate? quick of ear? 235 Sharp of sight? of nostril clear? Moist of hand? and light of foot? Or, I will come nearer to ’t, Would you live free from all diseases? Do the act your mistress pleases, 240 Yet fright all aches[1618] from your bones? Here ’s a med’cine for the nones.[1619]

_Volp._ “Well, I am in a humour at this time to make a present of the small quantity my coffer contains; to the rich in courtesy, and (245) to the poor for God’s sake. Wherefore now mark: I ask’d you six crowns; and six crowns, at other times, you have paid me; you shall not give me six crowns, nor five, nor four, nor three, nor two, nor one; nor half a ducat; no, nor a (250) _moccinigo_.[1620] Sixpence it will cost you, or six hundred pound—expect no lower price, for, by the banner of my front, I will not bate a bagatine,[1621]—that I will have, only, a pledge of your loves, to carry something from amongst you, to (255) show I am not contemn’d by you. Therefore, now, toss your handkerchiefs, cheerfully, cheerfully; and be advertis’d, that the first heroic spirit that deigns to grace me with a handkerchief, I will give it a little remembrance of (260) something beside, shall please it better than if I had presented it with a double pistolet.”[1622]

_Per._ Will you be that heroic spark, Sir Pol? CELIA, _at the window, throws down her handkerchief_. O, see! the windore has prevented[1623] you.

_Volp._ “Lady, I kiss your bounty; and for (265) this timely grace you have done your poor Scoto of Mantua, I will return you, over and above my oil, a secret of that high and inestimable nature, shall make you forever enamour’d on that minute, wherein your eye first descended (270) on so mean, yet not altogether to be despis’d, an object. Here is a powder conceal’d in this paper, of which, if I should speak to the worth, nine thousand volumes were but as one page, that page as a line, that line as a word; (275) so short is this pilgrimage of man (which some call life) to the expressing of it. Would I reflect on the price? Why, the whole world is but as an empire, that empire as a province, that province as a bank, that bank as a private purse (280) to the purchase of it. I will only tell you; it is the powder that made Venus a goddess (given her by Apollo), that kept her perpetually young, clear’d her wrinkles, firm’d her gums, fill’d her skin, colour’d her hair; from her deriv’d (285) to Helen, and at the sack of Troy unfortunately lost: till now, in this our age, it was as happily recover’d, by a studious antiquary, out of some ruins of Asia, who sent a moiety of it to the court of France (but much (290) sophisticated), wherewith the ladies there now colour their hair. The rest, at this present, remains with me; extracted to a quintessence: so that, wherever it but touches, in youth it perpetually preserves, in age restores the complexion; (295) seats your teeth, did they dance like virginal jacks,[1624] firm as a wall: makes them white as ivory, that were black as——”